TRANSCRIPT:

1011 (218)

THE TWO THAT GOT AWAY




Regular cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Lucky the Dog...........Lucky

Guest cast:

Shannon Tweed...........Herself
Joey Sagal..............Randolf
Leland Orser............Director [JB]
Alden Millikan..........The Trash [Reporter 2]
Shae Marks..............Inga
Jasmin Paul.............Star Disher [Reporter 1]
Donna D'Erico...........Helga
Joey Dente..............Daily Scandal [Reporter 3]
Mary Harper-Johns.......Stage Mom
Kim Weiskopf............Voice of Lucky



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Bud is at the counter, on the phone to a director.

BUD     Look JB, you see, I'm a reasonable man.

Kelly enters, hangs up her coat and walks over to Bud.

BUD     See, if you don't give my client this audition, I'm gonna have to send a dozen roses to
        your wife, in your girlfriend's name... Thanks, babe, see, I knew you'd see my way.

He hangs up the phone and jots down some notes.

KELLY   Hey, what is it? Did you get me an audition?

BUD     You? No no no no, I've discovered a major new talent. I'll give you a hint: he just peed
        on the D'Arcy's roses.

KELLY   Dad?

BUD     No... Lucky. 

KELLY   Yeah, well, isn't it unprofessional for agents to date their clients?

BUD     Very funny, Million Man March. It's a dog food commercial. Now all Lucky has to do is
        learn a few simple tricks and pretend to like the stuff.

LUCKY   Mmm, no problem. I lick your face and pretend to like you.

Al and Peg come downstairs. Al is wearing a suit and carrying a suitcase.

PEGGY   Gee, Al, I've never heard of a three day funeral.

AL      Perchance you don't remember our honeymoon.

PEGGY   Yeah, something certainly died back then, unfortunately it never got buried. I just want
        you to look me in the face and tell me that you are not going fishing.

Al turns around and looks Peggy in the eye.

AL      Peg, I lie about a lot of things. Who I'm married to, who my kids are... what that smell
        was, but I would never ever lie about Aunt Betty's funeral!

PEGGY   I thought you said it was Aunt Nell.

AL      Double funeral, Peg. Which is why it's gonna take three days - or four if they're biting
        - I mean, Cry-ING! [he pretends to wipe a tear from his eye]

Marcy and Jefferson enter. Jefferson is wearing fishing gear and has a camera around his neck.

JEFF    OK Al! You ready to go fishing?

AL      Ah, what Jefferson means Peg, is that the family said, "In lieu of bringing flowers we
        should all bring... fish."  Let's go, Jefferson!

JEFF    No, no Al, my days as a cad and a bounder are over. I feel very strongly that you should
        never lie to your wife and for one very good reason. [pauses] Ah, what was it again,
        Marcy?

MARCY   A lie may give you temporary pleasure but honesty will bring you happiness at the end of
        the day. And I was so happy that Jefferson told me the truth about his trip that I've
        given him something very special.

AL      Nobody wants to hear about your filthy chicken love.

JEFF    No, Al. It's a new telephoto lens for my camera! [quietly to Al] Look, trust me, Al. I
        know honesty goes against all we guys stand for, but women eat it up!

AL      Alright, I'll give it a shot. [turns to Peg] Peg, I'm going to be honest with you, I'm
        going fishing this weekend. And every Saturday when I take the garbage out, I throw away
        one of your shoes.

PEGGY   Well, you know Al, I'm going to honest with you too. I knew you were going fishing. And
        at night, when you're sleeping, I pluck out your hairs so you'll bald faster!


ACT ONE 

SCENE TWO

The Lodge.
Al (now wearing his fishing clothes) and Jefferson are walking up to the entrance to the lodge
and singing "Old Smokey".

AL      [singing] On top of Old Smokey! All covered with snow, I naw nah nah nah nah nah na-nah
        nahhh...

Jefferson laughs and takes some photos.

JEFF    Oh God, I love this place, Al. It was a stroke of genius having me cash in Marcy's IRA to
        pay for luxury vacation.

He takes more pictures.

AL      Jefferson, could you stop taking pictures so we can enjoy this place?

Two blonde, huge-hootered Swedish babes (Helga and Inga) come out of the lodge.

AL      Jefferson, would you start taking pictures so we can enjoy this place!?

HELGA   Willkommen!
INGA    Welcome!

HELGA   We are your Swedish Masseuses. I'm Helga.

INGA    And I am Inga.

AL      And I'm Alga!

JEFF    And I'm gaga.

INGA    May we carry your bags?

AL      Yes, may we carry yours?

INGA    Ya, sure!

Al and Jefferson are extremely happy.

AL      Ah, Jefferson! We died and went to the Land of Milk and Honeys!

Randolph, the Innkeeper, comes out of the lodge.

RANDO   Ah, um Mr. Bundy and Mr. D'Arcy. I'm Randolph the Innkeeper and I've been trying to get
        a hold of you. There's been a slight change in your cabin assignment.

JEFF    Ah, what's the change?

RANDO   You don't have one.

AL      Oh, that's OK, we'll bunk in with Helga and Inga!

HELGA   Ya sure!
INGA    Ya sure!

RANDO   Helga, Inga, you're late for Topless Happy Hour.

HELGA   Ya sure.
INGA    Ya sure.

The wave goodbye to Al and Jefferson and go inside.

JEFF    [to Randolph] Hey look, you can't bump us, see, we made our reservations over a year ago.

Jefferson gives Randolph their receipt as proof and he looks at it.

RANDO   Oh, oh, so you did.

He rips it up, smiling.

RANDO   Let me explain something. You're nobodies and you had a reservation. Shannon Tweed is a
        famous actress. She didn't have a reservation. Explanation over.

Randolph starts his way inside but Al and Jefferson stop him.

AL      Shannon Tweed?! Star of Night Eyes 2, Night Eyes 3 and every other fantasy I've ever had
        since I got cable?!

JEFF    Ah, Shannon Tweed got me through many a long night of sex with Marcy.

Shannon Tweed comes out wearing a dressing gown.

SHANN   Oh, Randolph! 

RANDO   Yes, Ms. Tweed.

SHANN   Are those the two gentlemen who had reservations for my cabin? 

RANDO   Yes, Ms. Tweed. 

SHANN   Oh, good. I did so want to meet them.

Al and Jefferson are very happy and excited.

AL      Jefferson, I told you she'd straighten this thing out. Just like she straightened out
        Andrew Stevens in Night Eyes 3.

SHANN   Well, just as I thought. A mangy shoe salesman and a chronically unemployed ageing pretty
        boy. Have them thrown off the property immediately.

Shannon leaves.

AL      Jeez, I can't believe she said that!

JEFF    Me neither. "Ageing"??? Now Redford, that's ageing!

RANDO   Now gentlemen, to show you I'm not totally without feeling, here's your deposit back. 
        [He gives it to them] Oh, and here are your complimentary mints, I suggest Mr. Bundy have
        them both. [Al takes them] And you have exactly two minutes to get off the premises. Good
        day.

Randolph leaves and Al seems angry.

AL      Now who the hell does he think he is? He can't throw us out of here!

JEFF    I'm afraid... I'm afraid he can, Al. [he points to the big sign saying "Private Property
        - No Trespassing"] Private Property.

AL      I'll show him some private property.

Al unzips his fly and starts peeing on the garden. Jefferson takes more photos.


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

Text: THREE DAYS LATER
The Bundy house.
Lucky is lying on the floor and Bud is sitting on the couch trying to teach Lucky some simple
tricks.

BUD     Lucky, if you're gonna be in this commercial, you're gonna have to learn to sit. Now SIT!

Lucky stays put. Bud slumps onto the couch and doesn't see Lucky.

BUD     Ah, I'll never get this dog to sit.

Lucky sits.

BUD     What am I gonna have to do, beg?

Lucky begs.
Kelly enters. Lucky is back to his original position.

KELLY   Hey.

BUD     Kelly, I cannot get this dog to do what I want him to do.

KELLY   Well, maybe you need a rubber dog. Hey, let me try. I'll show him by example.
        [Kelly bends down like a sitting dog] Alright Lucky, sit!

BUD     Oh, Kelly please, that's not going to work. I've already tried doing all that -

Bud stops when he sees that Lucky is sitting.

KELLY   Come on, Lucky, let's go outside and Iíll teach you some more tricks.

LUCKY   Give me a bone with some meat on it, I'll jump over the house!

Bud, Kelly and Lucky go out the backdoor.
Al and Jefferson enter with photos.

JEFF   So, getting bumped from the fishing cabin wasn't all that bad, was it, Al?

AL     Well, nothing drowns your sorrows better than a three day binge at the Nudie Bar!

They sit on the couch and look at their photos.

JEFF    Wow, look at this picture I took of the Lake... Oh, here's the woods... here's the Nudie
        Bar?

AL      Wait a second, Jefferson, we didn't take any pictures at the Nudie Bar.

JEFF    Yeah, you're right, And the Nudie Bar isn't in the woods. And it doesn't have Shannon
        Tweed and Randolph in the hot tub!

AL      [snatching the photo] Holy Moses, Jefferson! Do you know what this means? 

JEFF    [taking back the photo] Yeah. Cosby's right, Kodak paper does make a difference!

AL      Not that, idiot! It's payback time! Nobody bumps us, baby! Shannon Tweed is about to get
        bumped herself, right onto the front page of the National Enquirer!!


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Al and Jefferson are still on the couch and admiring the photo of Shannon Tweed and Randolph.

AL      Look at this picture of Shannon Tweed. Jefferson, isn't she a babe?

JEFF    Ah, come on Al, I'll bet our wives in this beautiful mountain setting, with the steam
        rising up off the hot tub would look just as good.

They nod in agreement then burst out laughing.

JEFF    No way!
AL      Nah!

AL      Jefferson, how much do you think this picture of Shannon Tweed is worth to the tabloids?

JEFF    Well, let's see. Your typical celebrity nude photo brings in, oh, say upwards of a 
        thousand dollars, but in this case, in this case, it's a celebrity doing the "humpty
        dance" with the help. That's gotta fetch at least about ten thousand. 

Al and Jefferson cry out in joy and slap hands.
Then a sneaky expression spreads across Al's face.

AL      Yeah, you see but Jefferson, even though we did get bumped from our cabin, I mean, this
        is a little heartless and cold, huh, even for us.

Jefferson gets a similar sneaky feeling.

JEFF    Yeah... yeah, you're right Al. You know, the honest thing to do would be just throw this
        away and pretend like it never happened.

AL      You got it.

Al and Jefferson put the photo and its envelope in the bin.

JEFF    Well, you feel better about yourself now?

AL      Much! Ah, see ya later, buddy. You know, I think since Peg's not home... since Peg's not
        home it's probably safe to go up there and take a little nap.

He pretends to yawn.

JEFF    Well, Marcy is home, so I think I'll go back to the Nudie Bar.

The head off in opposite directions.

AL      Later, buddy.

JEFF    Back at ya, pal o' mine.

AL      You da man.

JEFF    No, no, YOU da man.

Jefferson opens the front door and closes it without exiting and Al stops on the stairs, each
thinking the other has gone. They both sneak over to the bin to retrieve the photograph and catch
each other in the act and fight over it.


ACT TWO
 
SCENE TWO

The dog food audition.
There are other people and dogs gathered around, and the director.
Kelly and Bud enter with Lucky on a leash.
A bulldog is trying to run the obstacle course but knocks off one of the planks he's supposed to
walk across.

DIRECT  [into his megaphone] Next!

The fat woman owner of the dog walks over to him.

WOMAN   How dare you reject my dawg! He's "Eddie" on Frasier, you know!

DIRECT  Ma'am, Eddie is a Jack Russel Terrier, your mutt is a near-blind bulldog.

WOMAN   He looks different in person. You're in the business, you know the camera adds fifteen
        pounds.

DIRECT  Yeah, and so will the donuts you stuffed in your purse during the audition. Now get out.

WOMAN   [to her dog] Let's go... "Eddie".

DIRECT  Jeez, you'd think there'd be at least one half-starved mongrel in this town who can make
        it through this obstacle course.

The other owners take their dogs away. The Director approaches Lucky.

BUD     Ah, Lucky can do it.

DIRECT  Oh yeah? And I suppose he plays "Murray" on Mad About You?

KELLY   Oh no, he hates Paul Reiser.

DIRECT  In that case, I'll give him a shot. [into his megaphone] Hungry Puppy Dog food audition,
        number 2073. Action.

Kelly takes Lucky's leash off.

KELLY   Now, run the course! 

Lucky stays put.

KELLY   Come on, Lucky. Just get into character. Be a hungry puppy.

LUCKY   Oh, there's a stretch.

BUD     Come on, Lucky, don't you want to be in a commercial and make a lot of money?

LUCKY   Oh, I know how this works. I get in the commercial, you get the money and I end up
        sharing a jail cell with the cast of Diff'rent Strokes.
  
DIRECT  [in his megaphone] Next!

KELLY   No wait, wait, he can do it! I promise. He just, he just needs a little motivation.

The director gives them an exasperated look.

KELLY   Just watch and follow me.

BUD     What? Ohhhhh...

Bud sees that Kelly is doing the obstacle course so Lucky can follow her. Lucky follows her and
runs the course beautifully. 

KELLY   Come on. I love Hungry Puppy!

DIRECT  Well, that was great! The auditions are over! We have our Hungry Puppy!
 

ACT TWO   

SCENE THREE

The Bundy house.
Al is standing behind a lectern with an auctioneer's gavel. Jefferson is showing various press
people into the house, then he closes the door.

JEFF    Attention, media whores - Ah, I mean, esteemed members of the press. The auction for the
        Shannon Tweed Hot Tub photo is about to begin.

The press people mumble positively edging them on to show the photo. Al bangs his hammer.

AL      Alright, all in good time! Before I get to the main event however, I would like to start
        with a genuine picture of the Loch Ness Monster. 

Al gets out a photo and the media demand to see it.

JEFF    My God, Al, that's horrific. What the hell is that?

AL      It's a picture of Peg's mom in the bathtub.

JEFF    I don't see a bathtub in there.

AL      Trust me, Jefferson, it's under there somewhere.

A woman looks at it.

WOM 1   That's not the Loch Ness Monster, it's not that big.

MAN 1   So what? We'll slap over Roseanne's head on it and say she lost weight. I'll give you
        fifty bucks.

He hands out money and Al takes it.

AL      Sold! Now, ladies and gentlemen, the main event. Shannon Tweed as you've never seen her
        before [he reveals a bit of the photo] Now, we will start the bidding at...?

The auctioneers yell out their prices.

MAN 2   A thousand dollars.

AL      I got a thousand dollars here, do I hear more?

WOM 1   Three thousand.

JEFF    Oh come on, you pay twice as much for Brett Butler pulling out a wedgie. Come on.

MAN 2   I'll give you five thousand.

MAN 1   Make it ten!

AL      Ten thousand dollars! We have ten thousand dollars going once, ten thousand going twice..
        So-ooo... [the doorbell rings] ...ooo close to a sale! 
 
MAN 2   Make it twelve five.

AL      Jefferson, keep the fleecing going. If I'm not back, you send my mail to King Al, Hammock
        One, Isle of Yap!

Al answers the door, taking the photo with him. Shannon Tweed stands outside. Al steps outside
and closes the door, bewildered at the sight.

AL      Shan-Shannon Tweed? Here in my house?

SHANN   Mr. Bundy, I know you're gonna find this hard to believe but I came here to apologise for
        the way I treated you at the lodge. 

AL      [checking his watch] Well, ah, apology accepted. I gotta go now, bye!

He tries to go back inside but Shannon stops him.

SHANN   Oh no, Mr. Bundy, wait! Look, you know being a famous actress I guess I've just gotten
        used to having my own way and, well, I may have forgotten that other people have feelings
        too. But without those people I'm not a famous star, I'm just an average woman.

AL      With way above average hooters.

SHANN   Well, thank you. God and Doctor Markowitz have been kind. Anyway, I felt so bad after I
        got home that I talked it over with my, my shrink, my herbalist, the counter boy at
        Starbucks, and they all agreed. "Shannon, you're a taker", they said. "You've got to 
        start giving."

AL      Well, you were giving pretty good in that shower scene in Indecent Behavior!

SHANN   Well, thank you, but that was acting, this is real. If I only reached you in some way
        [she rubs Al shoulders] I'd feel so much better about myself.

AL      Oh, ah, you've, you've reached me!

Shannon continues to rub her hands all over Al's chest and shoulders.

SHANN   Oh god, you're so sexy, if you weren't married...

AL      [quickly] Oh, I'm not married! No, I-I live alone with my red-headed mother.

SHANN   Oh, what am I talking about? There I go, selfishly giving into my insatiable lust for
        you.

AL      In-in-in-insatiable lust? For me?

SHANN   Oh yeah.

AL      Well, that's understandable! You know, I played a little high school ball!

SHANN   Oh! It really shows.
 
AL      Shannon, you may not understand what I'm about to do. But always remember, that I do this
        for you.

Al pulls out the photo and shoves it in his mouth.
     
SHANN   Al, what are you doing with that envelope?

Al swallows very painfully.

SHANN   Did you swallow that whole thing?

AL      Yep!

SHANN   It looked like there was a photograph in it.

AL      Yeah.

SHANN   Of... me in a hot tub?

AL      Ah, yeah.

SHANN   You blue-collared, brown-panted, shoe-selling yokel! Despite what Siskel and Ebert would
        say, I am quite an accomplished actress as you so clearly demonstrated today. So the next
        time you want to see me in a hot tub, you rent my upcoming straight-to-video classic,
        Ernest Pays for Sex. And don't forget to rewind!

She marches off. Al remembers the auction and starts to do the Heimlich maneuver on himself.
Jefferson comes out from the house just as the photo gets stuck in Al's throat.
 
JEFF    Al, I got them up to 25 thousand. Now, I think we should make like Water World and close
        immediately.

AL      I'm choking!

JEFF    Why are you joking?

AL      I SAID I'M CHOKING!

JEFF    Oh, you're choking! Okay, let me help you out.

Jefferson slaps Al on the back, causing him to swallow the photo again.

JEFF    There, did you swallow what was stuck in your throat?

AL      Yes, Jefferson, I did.

JEFF    Good, so you're not choking anymore.

AL      No. But you are!!

Al grabs Jefferson's throat and starts choking him.


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

Peg is sitting on the couch, reading Dream magazine.
Jefferson and Al enter. Al is wearing a hospital gown.

JEFF    Come on.

PEGGY   So, how was the hospital? Any luck getting the negative out?

JEFF    No, Al's stomach acid dissolved it. But they did find 3 quarters of a commemorative Slim
        Jim left over from Superbowl XII.

AL      That's what I've been tasting all these years? Well, despite losing the twenty-five 
        thousand dollars, the cost for the visit to the hospital, the vintage Slim Jim, on the
        bright side, when you're down, there's always TV to pick you back up.

Al turns on the TV.
Bud and Kelly enter.

BUD     Hey everybody, listen. The Hungry Puppy commercial's gonna come on.

Bud changes the channel and the commercial comes on. 

TV      Is your puppy hungry? Then get him Hungry Puppy dog food. The only food that puppies
        prefer to their own tails.

Then we see the dog. It's not Lucky -- it's Kelly in a dog suit.
She runs the course while the jingle plays:

TV      If doggie's nose is dry 
        And his tongue is black 
        And his ribs are showing through his back. 
        Give him Hungry Puppy - a bite or two 
        And your starving mutt will be good to you. 
        Give him Hungry Puppy - a bite or two 
        And your starving mutt will be good to you. 

Kelly the dog scratches herself in front of the dog bowl.

KELLY   Meow! I mean, woof! I love Puppy Hungry!

DIRECT  [o.o.] That's Hungry Puppy.

KELLY   Yeah, what he said. Moooooo! [scratches herself again]

TV      [jingle] Hungry Puppy, Hungry Puppy, Hungry Puppy!

The living room.
Kelly is very content with herself while Peg, Al, Jefferson and Bud turn to look at her.



THE END


DIRECTED BY: AMANDA BEARSE
WRITTEN BY: AL AIDEKMAN
CREATED BY: MICHAEL G. MOYE & RON LEAVITT
CO-PRODUCER: MICHAEL GREENSPON
PRODUCED BY: JOHN MAXWELL ANDERSON

EXECUTIVE CREATIVE CONSULTANT: MICHAEL G. MOYE
SUPERVISING PRODUCER: RUSSELL MARCUS
CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: STACIE LIPP
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: RICHARD GURMAN
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: KIM WEISKOPF 
CONSULTING PRODUCER: JIM HERZFELD
CONSULTING PRODUCER: CALVIN BROWN, JR.
CASTING BY: RICK MILLIKAN, C.S.A.
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN; PERFORMED BY FRANK SINATRA
MUSIC BY: JONATHAN WOLFF
ART DIRECTOR: RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR: HEATHER ROSS 
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: SAM W. ORENDER
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY, STEPHANIE SCOTT, STU GOLDMAN
EDITED BY: LARRY HARRIS 
PRODUCTION ASSOCATE: KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: CARL STUDEBAKER
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: ROBERT A. BOWEN
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: TIM DAVIS
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO: J. MARK KING, DAVE FARAGHER, SCOTT GLICKMAN, ALAN ZEMA
CAMERAS: STEVE CASALY, MIKE CULP, S.O.C., JIM LUNSFORD, DENNIS TURNER
RE-RECORDING: ROY PAHLMAN, JOHN BICKLEHAUPT
PRODUCTION STAFF: FRAN KAUFER, GARRY BOWREN, CARSON SMITH, CHRISTY LATUSEK, BERT L. COOK, 
PETER ALEXANDER.
COSTUMES: MARTI M. SQUYERS
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP: KATHY ROGERS
HAIR STYLIST: DOTTIE McQUOWN
DOG TRAINER: STEVEN RITT
CHECK OUT MARRIED WITH CHILDREN ONLINE AT: http://www.sony.com
COPYRIGHT (C) 1995
ELP COMMUNICATIONS
All Rights Reserved
ELP Communications is the author of this film/motion picture for purposes of Artcle 15(2)
of the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effect thereto.
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISON
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT production

Transcribed by Marriedaniac


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