GUESS WHO'S COMING TO BREAKFAST, LUNCH AND DINNER?
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog............Buck
Tim Conway..............Ephraim Wanker
Kathleen Freeman........Peg's Mom (V.O.)
Bud is sitting on the edge of his bed next to a girl named Jamie, trying to undo her bra.
We hear a snap and she yelps out in pain.
JAMIE Bud, have you ever done this before?
BUD What? You mean, "have sex"? Yeah, hundreds of times.
JAMIE No, I mean WITH someone.
BUD Well, girls don't usually ask me that until after the deed.
JAMIE I'm sorry. I'm just a little nervous what with your parents right next door.
BUD Look, Jamie -
He gets up and walks over to his bedroom door.
BUD You see these locks? [points] I have never, ever been caught doing anything with
He realizes what he's just said and looks uneasy.
BUD Look, no one can possibly disturb us.
JAMIE Well, I guess I'm just being paranoid. And the truth is [lies down] I do want you.
BUD Then that is how you shall have me.
He gets on the bed and they start kissing. At that moment, all the locks on the door are
opened from the other side and Al comes in.
AL Oh, hi, son.
Bud and Jamie jump up, startled.
AL Don't mind me, just keep on doing what you're doing.
He walks over to Bud's bed and starts looking for something underneath it.
AL I can't find my "Big 'Uns". You haven't seen any Big 'Uns, have you, son?
BUD [angrily] No, Dad, and obviously I won't be seeing these 'uns [points at Jamie's
AL See, it's a special edition: "Big 'Uns Behind Bars". In my humble opinion, the best
damn magazine ever published.
BUD Why would I need that kind of stuff? You know I slay the babes.
Al pulls out Bud's rubber doll from under the bed.
AL Yeah, I see that.
He puts the doll down on Jamie's legs and she kicks it away with disgust.
AL Ah, here it is. My "Big 'Uns".
He pulls out a magazine from under the bed and skims through it.
AL [excitedly] Oooh, Chain Gang!
He runs back to his bedroom. Bud closes the door after him.
He notices the rubber doll on the bed and throws it on the floor.
BUD Where were we?
JAMIE I was just buttoning up my cut-offs and saying goodbye until you got your own place.
She gets up and starts to leave.
BUD Jamie, Jamie, no, no, listen, listen!
He puts his arms on her shoulders.
BUD Listen, the reason I'm living at home is... is to help out with dad. [emotionally]
See, he um... he hasn't been himself since... well, since Desert Storm.
JAMIE He was there?
BUD [pretending to be on the verge of tears] No, but he, um... he watched the whole
thing on CNN.
JAMIE [nearly crying herself] Oh, I am so sorry.
She lies back down on the bed.
JAMIE Take me now.
They start to kiss, but then Peg comes in.
PEG Bud, have you seen my red bra?
The Bundys' living room, which is decorated with balloons and a "Bye Bye, Bud" sign.
Peg and Kelly are sitting on the couch. Al and two movers carrying a large chest come down
the the stairs.
MOVER1 Well, we got all the stuff out of your son's room. Where do you want us to move this
AL Don't know, don't care. The boy said he'd have an apartment by six, so in the words
of his loving mother: "Keep moving till I tell you to stop".
PEG Or in the words of my loving husband: "The sooner it's outta here, the better".
The movers leave with the chest.
PEG Oh Al, I can't believe our baby boy is finally moving.
AL "Baby boy", Peg? He's older than you tell people you are.
PEG I was very young when I got married.
AL Uh-huh. And I was veeery drunk.
He sits on the couch next to Peg. Jefferson and Marcy come in. Jefferson is holding a plant
and Marcy is holding a basket of fruits.
JEFF So, where's the cool guy who's ready to leave home and bag some babes?
AL [smiling] Right here!
MARCY Please. You can't even bag your own wife.
AL Oh, I can bag her, but it doesn't seem any good. I remember what she looks like.
Peg gets up and walks over to Marcy.
PEG Oh, Marcy! Fruits!
She tries to grab the basket.
MARCY Oh, Peggy, this basket is a gift for Bud.
PEG Well, that's very thoughtful, but I'm sure he wouldn't want it if I touched it.
She touches some of the fruits in the basket.
AL Or coughed on it.
Al and Peg cough on the basket.
KELLY [laughing] Or throw dirt all over it!
She takes the plant from Jefferson, pours some dirt on the basket and then throws the plant
outside, laughing madly.
MARCY Gee, I can't imagine why Bud would ever want to leave here... but God, I do remember
my first apartment. My roommate and I were both single, bursting with ripe flowering
womanhood. The sexual revolution was in full swing and we were a-happening!
PEG Wow, I bet you were having sex all the time.
MARCY No. That cheap slut of a roommate stole all my boyfriends. I've never forgiven Mom
JEFF Well, let me tell you a little bit about my own swinging bachelor pad. Mirror ball
on the ceiling, waterbed on the floor, fake medical degrees on the wall... [laughs]
Oh God, I have fun at that place.
MARCY "Have"? Jefferson, you don't still own that place, do you?
Jefferson turns to Al quickly and Al gives him a look.
JEFF No! And it's not where I go Thursdays when I say I'm playing racquetball...
KELLY Hey, hey, you guys, here comes Bud across the lawn.
AL Okay. Everybody get down and be quiet.
They all get down.
MARCY Oh, I think it would make him feel really good if we all yelled "surprise".
AL Forget that, we're gonna yell "get out!"
Bud comes in, looking depressed. Everyone gets up and yells "Get out!"
AL Yup. Turn in your key, all your stuff's in the street. Here's a lovely fruit basket
from your mother and father.
He holds up the basket.
BUD Hold on to your filthy grapes, Dad. [he pushes the basket away] I couldn't find an
apartment I could afford.
AL You know, son, the best way to ruin a heartfelt goodbye party is to stay where
you're not wanted. Now, we bought you a lovely cake. The least you can do is get
out. The most you can do is take your mother with you.
He pushes Bud outside.
PEG Al, you cannot just throw him out in the cold.
BUD No, no, no, Dad's right. He deserves to be Menendez, but he's right. No, I can't go
on living upstairs. Guess I'll just go find a box somewhere.
AL [indifferently] Fine!
Kelly walks over to Bud.
KELLY Oh Bud, don't be so down. Listen, I have the perfect place for you to move in to.
It's lonely, it's grungy, it's creepy, it's you. The basement!
BUD [thoughtfully] Kelly, you may have just hit on something, and for once it's not a
married man. The basement! Lots of cool guys live in the basement, right?
KELLY Oh yeah, yeah, the coolest! Uncle Fester, Cousin Itt, that silly guy with the
butterflies from "Silence of the Lambs"...
BUD [getting excited] It's gonna be the coolest pad in town! It's gonna be the Mecca of
Chickdom! The North Pole of Nookie! [heading into the basement] I'm gonna put in a
new carpet, a new light... [goes into the basement]
KELLY [calling after him] A new third step?
BUD [hollering] Oh my God!!
Bud is heard tumbling down the stairs.
MARCY So, Peggy, what are you gonna do with Bud's old room?
Peg: Well, you know, I've always wanted some place where I can stretch out and do
AL Well, get in the car, I'll take you to the morgue.
JEFF Come on, Al. You should be proud that your son is moving out and becoming a man.
AL My son is burrowing down and becoming a mole.
The phone rings. Peg goes to answer it.
AL Besides, as bad as this is, you just know that something worse is gonna happen.
Don't you know that all horrible things happen in three's? Celebrity deaths, Pauly
Shore movies, Wilson-Phillips... And in my own case: marrying Peg, Bud not moving
out, and... 3, 2, 1...
PEG Al, something horrible has happened.
AL [with mock surprise] The hell you say!
Peg sits on the couch next to Al.
PEG That was Dad. He and Mom had this big fight, and now Mom left and he can't find her!
AL Did he look behind the Rockies?
MARCY Excuse me, Oink-Boy, but aren't you the least bit concerned about your
AL Oh, I know where the blubbering beast doth blow.
A coffee cup on the coffee table starts shaking, and a moment later tremors shake the whole house
and creepy music starts playing. The doorbell rings. Al, Marcy and Jefferson look towards the
door in horror. Peg smiles happily.
MOM [V.O.] Margaret, open the door! It's your mother, and I'm hungry.
The Bundy living room. Peg and Buck are sitting on the couch. Al is trying to mend the
stairs' damaged railing with the piece of wood from the banister.
Caption: "A few days later".
AL You know, Peg, I hate it when your mother weebles down here for her little midnight
snacks, which last till nine in the morning.
PEG Mom does not eat between meals.
AL I know, Peg, because in order to eat between meals, the first meal has to end.
PEG Al, don't you know how traumatic this is for me? I now come from a broken home.
AL [gesturing towards the stairs] As do I!
PEG Oh, give Mom a break. She's distraught.
AL She is humongous!
MOM [V.O.] I'm just retaining water.
AL The Hoover Dam is retaining water -
He sits on the couch next to Peg.
AL She is retaining Skittles!
MOM [V.O.] Did someone say "Skittles"?
PEG Al, I don't want to come from a broken home. Mom said she'd take Dad back if he'd
come here and apologize. [begging] Please, go to Wanker County and bring my daddy
AL Peg, you know I hate going to Wanker County. I could end up as pie filling!
MOM [V.O.] Did someone say "pie filling"?
AL On the other hand, the same thing can happen upstairs. Okay, I'll go, Peg!
He leaves. Bud and Kelly come out of the basement.
KELLY Well, you know what, Bud? I have gotta hand it to you. Your new room looks pretty
BUD When Jamie gets here she's gonna want to sleep with me, huh?
KELLY Well, no. I said your room looks good; you still look like you. [laughs]
PEG [holding a red paint roller and paint tray] Kelly, could you help me give Grandma a
KELLY Sure, Mom. [to Bud:] What's the point? It's not like Grandma can even see her feet.
Kelly and Peg go upstairs. The doorbell rings. Bud takes out an air-freshener, sprays his
mouth and then inside his pants, and opens the door. Jaime is standing outside.
JAMIE [breathlessly] Bud, what was so important that I had to drop everything - which
happened to be my baby brother - and rush right over here?
BUD I did it. I found a new place, and I was hoping you and I could christen it, if you
know what I mean.
JAMIE Ooh, Bud, that sounds great. Oh, I hope it's by the lake. I used to date this guy
that lived by the lake, and every time I went through the front door, all I wanted
to do was rip off my clothes and make love.
She puts her arms aruond Bud's neck.
JAMIE So where's your place?
BUD [nervously] It's by the lake.
JAMIE Let's go!
BUD Um, well, we can't. The, um, the bidet, it's - it's not firing properly. But I have
an - an equally romantic suggestion: let's do it right here.
JAMIE You're such a kidder! Call me when your place is ready.
She pats him on the chest and leaves.
Ephraim Wanker's place in Wanker County.
Ephraim is hanging a sign that says "Deevorce Sale".
A guy named Twichy is looking at a lamp for sale.
TWITCHY Hey Ephrum, how much do you want for this here reading lamp?
EPHRAIM That ain't no reading lamp, Twichy. That's my wife old eating lamp. [sniffs] She
used to use it at night while I was asleep. I'd be counting sheep, and she'd be
TWITCHY Okay. How much you want for this here eating lamp?
EPHRAIM That ain't for sale! It's my wife's and I miss her. Now give it to me!
He grabs the lamp from Twichy's hands.
A trap is heard snapping.
AL [screaming offscreen] Hey, now! Hey, now!
Al comes in with a trap snapped shut on his behind.
AL Who the hell would put a bear-trap in an outhouse?
EPHRAIM They wouldn't. That ain't no bear-trap, that's a human-trap.
AL Well, why would you want to trap a human?
EPHRAIM I don't know, ask the bears, them was the ones who put it in there.
AL [in pain] Can you get it off me, Ephrum?
EPHRAIM The bear trap, or that tarantula you've got there on your neck?
Al straightens up quickly and grabs his neck, and the trap falls off.
EPHRAIM [laughing] That works every time, don't it? So Al, what do you hear from my bigger
AL Plenty! She's moved in with me!
EPHRAIM Oh? Huh. Well, I might've knowed, huh. Yeah. She always thought you were hot stuff.
Mr. City-Slicker with your [with contempt:] shoes.
AL Ephrum, I'm not dating her. No, I'm caging her.
TWITCHY Ephrum, how much you want for that wading pool? [points]
EPHRAIM That ain't no wading pool. That's my little darling's shower cap. That ain't for
sale, you son of an onion.
AL Ephrum, if you're not selling anything of your wife's, what the hell are you having
a divorce sale for?
EPHRAIM Well, because I'm lonely, and my psychotherapist told me that either I ought to try
this or get up on that water tower and start picking off cousins.
All the people at the divorce sale get up and leave hurriedly.
AL You know, Ephrum, it's my impression that A) you've got some serious toxins in your
well water, or B) you still miss the wife.
EPHRAIM Well, A) I don't drink nothing but sour mash and robatussin, and B) when it does
wear off, I do kind of miss her. [sobs] 'Course, I don't cough no more.
AL There's still a light at the end of the tunnel.
EPHRAIM She swallow a comet again?
AL No, she misses you and she wants you back. All you gotta do is say you're sorry.
Ephraim gets up and faces Al.
EPHRAIM [gravely] I'm sorry.
AL Not to me, you corn nut! To her! You just come on back with me, say you're sorry,
she'll take you back... I'll even throw in a pair of my shoes.
EPHRAIM Will you show me how the work, too?
EPHRAIM Let's go!
He starts to leave.
AL Hey, Ephrum, hang on a second. You know, you're a braver man than I am. If my wife
left me I'd be dancing on the deck of the Good Ship Hooter-Pop. With a smile on my
face, and my face on a smile. Ah, the times that I'd have. But you know, in a
strange way I have to respect your loyalty. It's not every man who would stand by a
woman who's large enough to have her own fire escape. No, Ephrum, I've gotta hand it
to you. You're -
He notices Ephraim isn't there.
AL Gone. Ephrum, get back here, you son of an onion!
Al starts to leave and steps on the bear trap.
AL Ooh, bear trap.
He starts screaming.
Peg is pacing back and forth in the Bundys' living room. Al comes in and walks straight past
AL Hi Peg. I'm back. Good night.
PEGGY Al! Where's Dad?
AL Oh, he's not coming, Peg. Good night.
He starts heading upstairs but Peg stops him.
PEGGY Hey! What happened?
AL Well, Peg, he - he was all set to come back, and then -
They sit on the couch.
AL Somehow or another, someone, I'm not saying who, said something about Good Ship
Hooter-Pop, and before you know it, there was a 70-year-old hillbilly popping
wheelies on a thresher and saying how he'd never marry a family member again.
PEGGY This is all your fault. You have ruined a perfectly happy marriage.
AL Yet I remain in a perfectly dreadful one.
PEGGY If you men only knew what we do to keep a marriage alive. Watching Oprah all day so
that we have something interesting to talk to you about. Dressing like this
[gestures at herself] to keep you excited. Taking beauty naps to reverse the aging
process. And spending all your money so you feel like a good provider. That is how I
sacrifice for you, Al Bundy. It is a thankless, exhausting job but I do it. And the
only thing I ask in return is that you bring Dad back here. And you fail! You know
what this means.
She grabs him by the arm and leads him upstairs.
AL [panicked] Oh no Peg, Peg no sex now, Peg! Please, I just need a little more time.
I'll find him!
PEGGY I want you to help me give Mom a sits-bath.
Al's eyes widen in horror.
AL Can't we have sex instead?
PEGGY Later. Right now Mom needs her bath.
She pushes him towards the kitchen. He puts on goggles and picks up a bucket and a scrubbing
PEGGY Would you ever leave me, Al Bundy?
AL First chance I get, Peg!
They head upstairs.
PEGGY Fine! Then you can scrub her front!
Peg pushes him upstairs. Al wails and they disappear upstairs. The door opens and Bud leads
a blindfolded Jaime inside, while spraying the air with water.
BUD Can you just feel the mist from the lake?
He plays the sound of a ship's horn from a tape recorder he's holding.
JAMIE Can I take this off now?
BUD Oh, allow me.
He starts unbuttoning her top.
JAMIE I meant my blindfold, you horndog.
BUD Not yet. It'll spoil the surprise.
He puts his arm around her shoulder and leads her a few steps forward.
BUD Okay. Now we're in the lobby, walking past my trusted doorman, Rodney. Uh, Rodney,
this is Jaime.
He pinches her butt and she yelps.
BUD Rodney, you lout! Take that!
He strikes a fist at the palm of his other hand to make a punching sound, then runs to Jamie's other side.
BUD [with a deep British accent] Sorry, Lord Bundy.
He runs back to her other side.
BUD [pushing her forward] Okay, now we're, uh, getting into the elevator here.
He starts playing crummy elevator music from his tape recorder.
JAMIE Doesn't feel like it's going up.
BUD Oh, it is...
A short while later...
Bud and Jaime come down the stairs into the basement.
He takes off Jaime's blindfold.
BUD What do you think?
JAMIE I think you did a great job fixing up your parents' basement.
BUD When did you know?
JAMIE Um, when you put the blindfold on me, sat in the driveway and went "vroom, vroom"
for twenty minutes. But I think what you did was very sweet, and to tell you the
truth, it turns me on.
BUD Well, it is private. So as they say at the lakefront: "let's do the wiggly".
They get on the bed and start to make out. Al comes running down the stairs.
AL Everybody duck and cover. Your grandma just got out of the tub; she's about to shake
The house starts shaking and bits of ceiling fall on them.
AL Thar she blows!!
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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