SHIP HAPPENS (PART TWO)
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog............Buck
Teresa Parente..........Miranda Cardinal
Leilani Jones Wilmore...Reporter #1
Keith Sellon-Wright.....Reporter #2
Kevin McBride...........Reporter #3
Scott Hartman...........Reporter #4
Melissa Chan............Reporter #5
Gilbert Gottfried, a fat woman named Joy, Al, Peg, Jefferson and Marcy (from left to right)
are seated in a lifeboat which is floating in the middle of the ocean.
AL Did I thank you for inviting me on this cruise, Peg?
PEGGY Well, as a matter of fact, you haven't.
AL Ah, then maybe a simple stake through the heart would suffice.
JEFF Look, this is no time to turn on each other.
AL We're alone in the middle of the ocean... it's a perfect time to turn on each other.
JEFF Why don't you look on the bright side? It's a balmy summer day, we're on vacation...
AL Well, now we know who we're going to eat first.
JOY Dibs on the thighs!
MARCY [grasping Jefferson's knee] Look, you cookie-isle of a woman: if you hadn't gnawed
through 12 inches of bulkhead to inhale some jerked chicken, none of us would be
here. So if anyone's gonna feed on my husband's dead thighs, it's gonna be me!
JEFF Thanks, gumdrop. [kisses Marcy on the cheek]
AL I can't stand this for one minute more.
PEGGY Oh, come on, Al, it's a perfectly calm sea.
AL Not the sea, Peg. It's... Gilbert Gottfried.
GILBERT So I'm on a cruise. My agent says to me: "Go on a cruise. You don't have to follow
Sinbad, and you don't have to follow Carrot Top. And you get to eat with the
captain." So, am I eating with the captain? Am I eating? Am I even on a cruise
anymore?? Somebody get my agent!!
AL [miserably] Somebody get my spear gun.
JEFF [chuckling] I think he's funny.
AL Make it two spear guns.
PEGGY So what do we do now?
MARCY We bob around in the sea until the sun bakes us like cookies.
AL Quiet, sea hags! Now, first thing we have to do is pick a leader. Who knows the
most about the sea?
GILBERT David Hasselhoff.
AL Okay, Gilbert's disqualified. Anyone else?
MARCY Oh, what difference does it make? We're just gonna wind up with seagulls pecking
out our salt encrusted eyes.
AL Thank you, Kathie Lee Gifford.
PEGGY Well, you know, Al really doesn't know much about the sea, so I think we're gonna -
AL Excuse me, Loch Ness hairdo. I know two things about the sea. Number one: when you
flush, it ends up here.
Jefferson, who had been washing his hair in the ocean waters, sits back up and spits out water.
AL And two: I've watched all 3000 episodes of Gilligan's Island.
PEGGY How do you find the time?
AL I don't have sex with you.
JEFF Then it's decided: Al's captain.
JOY Well, captain, now what?
AL Well, as my first official act, I'm declaring my marriage null and void. And secondly,
I think we should strike out for land. Er, which way is land?
Each of the boat's five other passengers point in a different direction.
AL [with sarcasm] Good, then we're on our way.
MARCY This is useless. Al couldn't find land if he was skydiving. We're in the hands of a
AL That's "Captain Blithering"!
GILBERT Look, perhaps a brief comical interlude will help brighten the moment. I hope you
can hear my jokes over the rumbling in my stomach.
[He pounds on the side of the boat] Is this thing on? Right before we went down, I
took a bunch of serving trays as props.
AL Oh, much better than taking food.
JOY Why couldn't have Gallagher been the entertainer? I mean, at least then we could
have had watermelons.
AL [smiling bitterly] Yeah, like we would've gotten any.
GILBERT Anyway... Mickey Mouse on acid:
He holds the two red serving trays above his head at both sides, so they look like Mickey Mouse ears.
GILBERT [screaming] Oh, I'm freaking out! Somebody help me! I'm having a bad trip! Ooh! [in
his normal voice again:] A midget, putting a dime in a pay phone:
He holds up both trays together so that they look like a giant coin, and pretends to
be laboring to lift them.
GILBERT Clark Gabel:
He holds the trays on both sides of his head.
GILBERT Vincent Van Gogh:
He puts down one of the trays. Jefferson laughs hysterically. Al places a noose around his neck.
AL Peg, you wanna give this one tug?
He places both trays under his armpits and moves them back and forth quickly.
Kelly is sitting on the couch watching TV. Bud comes down the stairs.
KELLY Oh, no, no, no! Bugs, don't go into that deserted mine! Yosemite Sam just threw
dynamite in there! [She covers her eyes] Oh, God, I hope this is a re-run!
BUD God, I hope you marry someone with money. Now, move over, I wanna watch the news.
Bud sits next to Kelly on the couch and switches the channel.
TV And in close-to-showbiz news, radio personality and ex-pimple cream spokesman
Wolfman Jack was found bound and gagged in a dumpster behind Planet Hollywood last
night. [Bud and Kelly both look guilty] Police found several clues but instead
opted to go inside, where it was warm.
BUD It's the last time I let you hit someone with a shovel.
TV In another late breaking story, the luxury cruise liner "Sea Dodge" went down last
night in perfectly calm waters, somewhere in the Carribean.
BUD Kelly, that's the ship Mom and Dad are on!
TV All passengers have been accounted for, except one lifeboat, reportedly carrying
comedian Gilbert Gottfried and some other people, including a woman with really
silly red hair.
KELLY Oh my God, Gilbert Gottfried and one of the Judds are lost at sea!
BUD It's not one of the Judds, you zagnut. Kelly, do you know what this means?
KELLY Mom and Dad! Oh my God, what are we gonna do? How're we gonna eat? How are we gonna
pay the mortgage? Our lives are gonna be... exactly the same.
BUD Look, we can't - we can't just sit here. We gotta get to the Carribeans somehow.
They get up and put on their jackets.
BUCK Uh, don't forget to leave some food for the dog.
KELLY How long are we gonna be gone?
BUD I dunno. Maybe weeks.
BUCK Uh, yo, dog here! Yo.
Bud opens the door. A news reporter is standing outside.
RPTR#1 I'm from the Chicago Examiner. Are you the people whose parents are lost at sea
with the voice of Yabu the parrot, Gilbert Gottfried?
RPTR#1: [to the reporters standing behind her] Soup's on!
A large group of reporters and photographers storm in.
BUD What's going on here?
RPTR#1 You are! We're here to bring the country live, minute-by-minute coverage of your
anguish at the loss of Gilbert Gottfried.
RPTR#2: ...Yeah, and your parents.
KELLY They might still be alive!
RPTR#1: Yeah. And ???Haffa's/Half of us has??? eaten at Denny's.
BUD Wait a second now! You people can't just barge in here and invade our privacy.
Kelly, show these people out.
RPTR#1 We'll pay you a million dollars for your exclusive story.
BUD Kelly, get these people a Snapple.
He sits on the couch and the reporters gather around him. Bud starts talking.
Back to the lifeboat. Al and Jefferson are urinating into the ocean. They finish and sit back down.
MARCY It's been 24 hours. I'm starved.
JEFF Ohhh. Me too. Hey Al, why aren't you hungry?
AL 'Cause I've got a natural appetite suppressant: 25 years of marriage.
PEGGY Yeah, and since he doesn't brush, he can always mine his teeth for food.
JOY Well, I'm starting to get hungry.
AL Big surprise.
PEGGY Some captain you are. If you're not gonna go down with the ship, at least do something.
AL Oh, excuse me, Miss We-never-do-anything-together. We're dying together, Peg, are
you happy now?
GILBERT Well, just don't look at me to cheer anybody up anymore. You bent my props!
He holds up two bent trays.
GILBERT As far as I'm concerned, we can float out here sans comedy and die a miserable,
JEFF Now look what you've done, Al. You've upset the entertainer!
AL Good. Maybe he'll walk.
JOY Hey, I know: we could try to catch a fish!
AL How? We got no rod, we got no hooks, we got no bait...
Everyone looks at Gilbert Gottfriend, who smiles uneasily.
AL Well, we got no rod and hooks.
Peg holds up a flare gun.
PEGGY Hey, we've got this.
AL Peg, Peg, Peg, that's a flare gun. We only use that when the rescuers try to find us.
PEGGY Oh. But I don't want them to see my hair.
Peg throws the flare gun into the water.
AL Well, now I know why Jacques Cousteau only has men on the Calypso.
GILBERT Ah, that's not why.
JEFF Hey. Hey, we've got an oar!
JOY And there's dozens of little fish swimming around the boat. We just hit 'em with
the oar, and dinner is served!
AL Without cooking it?
JOY Why bother? I mean, cooking just makes them smaller.
PEGGY Al, just go hit a fish, will you?
AL Oh, all right!
He picks up an oar and moves to the front of the boat.
AL It's always: "Al, I'm hungry. Al, I'm horny." Why can't it for once be: "Al, wake up,
it's Cindy Crawford, I'm hungry and horny."
Al holds the oar above his head and waits.
PEGGY Well, what are you waiting for?
AL A red one. There it is!
He hits the fish with the oar.
AL Gotcha! Hey, where'd she go?
MARCY Where all dead fish go.
GILBERT To The Red Lobster?
MARCY No, Nimrod, to the bottom.
Al sits back down.
JEFF Hey, Al, I just remembered the one thing I knew about the sea: if you beat a fish
to a bloody pulp, it tends to attract other fish, bigger fish... fish with no known
A shark's fin appears behind the lifeboat and moves back and forth.
AL Well, this is nice.
MARCY Does anyone know how to repel a shark?
AL Go ahead, Gilbert, do your impressions.
GILBERT Okay. Jerry Lewis: [screaming shrilly] Oh yeah! Oh yeah, drumroll! How much money
did we make?
The shark quickly leaves.
The Bundy living room, which is cluttered with media people. Someone is brushing another
person's hair with a bright pink brush. A male reporter and a female reporter come down the
stairs, straightening their clothes. Miranda Cardinal is standing in front of the couch, where
Bud and Kelly are sitting, talking to reporters.
MIRANDA Hello! This is Miranda Vera Cruz de la Jolla Cardinal, live at the home of Kelly
and Bud Bundy, who are anxiously awaiting news on whether their parents will be
found alive, or if their decomposing corpses will be found weeks later in some South
Florida bog. Oooh. [She sits on the couch] Bud and Kelly, I know that this is a
difficult time for you, but can you tell me how you're feeling? And please be as
graphic as possible.
BUD We refuse to answer this line of questioning until we find out if they are alive.
MIRANDA I apologize if I seemed insensitive. So tell me, did your parents ever abuse you?
RPTR#3 [to Kelly] Well, surely your father must've seen your hiney.
KELLY Well, yeah, when I was a baby...
All the reporters gasp.
RPTR#4 Did Michael Jackson ever touch you?
RTPR#5 Did Bob Barker ever touch you?
RPTR#6 Tom Arnold?
RPTR#2 George Plimpton?
The other reporters make sounds of appraisal.
BUD What is wrong with you people? Whatever happened to the noble image of the fourth
estate? People like Edward R. Morrow and then Walter Cronkite.
BUD Wal - Walter Cronkite?
None of the reporters seems to be familiar with the name.
RPTR Was he ever touched by Michael Jackson?
BUD Get away from me, you ghouls! What was I even thinking, letting you people in here?
Me and my sister will not sell our parents out for money. Right, Kel?
Kelly is talking to a reporter, who is putting bills in her hand as she talks.
KELLY Well, then Daddy had Senator Packwood chase me around the bed... or was it Senator
Mike Tyson? Yes, yes, it was both of them!
It is night time at the lifeboat.
GILBERT Okay, Jerry Seinfeld. [impersonating Jerry Seinfeld] Why do people drive buses?
[Jefferson laughs hysterically] Who are these people? And where do they find exact
Jeff [laughing] Hey, can you do Ted Kennedy?
GILBERT Sure: Anyone wanna hold my pants?
Jefferson laughs again.
AL Look, Peg. It's obvious we're not gonna be rescued. And it's even more obvious why.
Well, look, one of us is gonna swim for help. Any volunteers?
There is a long silence.
MARCY Okay, okay, we should draw straws. Did anybody bring straws?
JOY I have straws.
She gives several straws to Al. Al gives her a funny look.
AL Thank you. All right, whoever picks the short one - like we don't know who that's
gonna be - swims for help.
They all pick straws. Al is left with the short one.
AL Gee, I can't believe how small it is.
PEGGY Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that.
Al gives her a look.
PEGGY Oh Al, I'm just kidding. This is the bravest thing I've ever seen. You know, honey,
we've been through a lot. Good times and bad times... and you know, if I never see
you again, I just really want you to know that I love -
Al rolls back into the water and swims away.
MARCY Boy, he's a fast swimmer!
JEFF Yeah, look at him go! Well, what do we do now?
GILBERT Well, there is a matter of my cheque. You see, just because the boat sinks, doesn't
mean a comic has to work for free.
MARCY Put a tray in it, Gilbert!
JEFF Well, he's right, sweetheart. Give the man a twenty.
MARCY Fine. Get me my wallet.
JEFF Okay, where is it?
MARCY On the ocean floor. Don't you realize that we are stuck out here a million miles from
nowhere? It's gonna be weeks before we see any sign of life.
SENATOR Ahoy there! We're a yacht full of congressmen wasting our constituents' tax dollars.
You need any help, or liquor or anything?
JOY We're saved!
She hugs Gilbert.
The Bundy living room.
Peg is sitting on the couch with Miranda, surrounded by reporters.
Somebody fixes Miranda's makeup then she shoos them away.
MIRANDA That's enough, go away. [To Peggy] It's been two days since you were rescued, Mrs.
Bundy, and they still haven't found your husband.
How do you fill about that? [Covers the mike when her hand] Cry if you can.
PEGGY Well, of course we all want Al back. We thought he'd washed upon to the beach, but
it turned out to be just a giant jellyfish. [Miranda egdes her to cry and she does
RPTR#2 Well, Mrs. Bundy, if your husband does turn up dead, we're willing to pay you a
fortune for your exclusive story.
PEGGY Really? Well, how much?
RPTR Depends. What did he do for a living?
PEGGY He was a shoe salesman.
RPTR#5 Fifty bucks. Unless, of course, he abused you...
The reporters all shove their microphones towards Peggy eagerly.
PEGGY How much is that worth?
RPTR 500,000 dollars.
Peggy gets up.
PEGGY Well, you know, he did make us drive around in that Dodge, and he made us live in
this house. Is that enough?
The reporters mutter in agreement and compassion and a photographer starts taking pictures of
Peg. Al comes in with torn clothes.
Kelly runs to Al. She and Bud hug him.
PEGGY Oh Al... vin.
She puts her arm around Al's shoulder.
PEGGY Alvin Bundy. My late husband's identical twin. How nice of you to drop by on such a
AL [out the corner of his mouth] How much, Peg?
PEGGY Enough to make it worth you a while to walk out that door and never come back.
AL F-five dollars?
RPTR#3 Nice try, Mrs. Bundy.
RPTR#4 And Mr. Bundy.
RPTR#1 Who's for rooting through Oprah's trash?
All of the reporters leave, except for Miranda and her cameraman.
MIRANDA Well, perhaps some of our viewers, who sit way too close to the screen, might find
your rescue story interesting.
AL Well, it - it - it is, really.
Al and Miranda sit on the couch.
AL I swam for hours, and then, when I didn't think I could go on any longer, suddenly
I was surrounded by a school of man-eating sharks, where miraculously some dolphins
chased them away and swam me to safety. Man and dolphin, working together against a
MIRANDA And did any of them abuse you?
AL No, they saved my life.
MIRANDA Ugh. Turn the camera off.
She gets up and starts to leave.
BUD Where are you going?
MIRANDA It's Sweeps, guys. Unless that dolphin was Michael Jackson's love child, we've got
Miranda and her cameraman leave.
AL Uh, Peg, by the way, thanks for that all-out effort to find me after you were rescued.
PEGGY Well, I wanted to wait to find you, but I was outvoted five to nothing. [She lowers
her eyes] I mean, four to one.
KELLY Mom, you shouldn't talk like that to Dad's twin. You know he's gonna tell.
AL Peg, I'm only gonna say this once, because I'm tired, and I think I have a clam in
PEGGY Don't flatter yourself.
AL No more magazine contests. As I've said before, no good can come of it.
The doorbell rings. Al gets up and opens the door.
Gilbert Gottfried is standing outside holding a giant cheque.
GILBERT Congratulations. I'm Gilbert Gottfriend and you've just won one...
Al slams the door shut.
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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