Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Marcy D'Arcy...............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Jefferson D'Arcy...........Ted McGinley
Buck.......................Buck the Dog

Guest Cast:

Griff .....................Harold Sylvester
Bob Rooney ................E.E. Bell
Officer Dan ...............Dan Tullis, Jr.
Ike .......................Tom McCleister
Pam .......................T.C. Warner
Geronimo ..................Barry Wiggins
Chopper ...................Michael Philip
Tom .......................Joseph Reitman
Senator Furman ............J. Patrick McCormack



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 The darkened Bundy living room. Caption: "5:00 A.M."
 Al comes sneaking down the stairs, in fishing gear. He flips a switch on the wall and
 the lights go on.

AL	[whispering] Washington DC, here I come.

 Al walks over to the couch, where Bud and a girl named Pam are making out.

AL	[whispering] See you, son.

BUD	[muffled] Bye, dad.

 Al continues towards the door, the camera moves and we see Kelly lying on the other 
 side of the couch with a guy named Tom on top of her, kissing her neck.

AL	[whispering] See you, Pumpkin.

KELLY	Bye bye, daddy.

 Al halts, suddenly aware of the situation. He puts his fishing equipment on the
 floor near the door and walks back to the couch.

AL	[to Tom] Come here.

 Al picks Tom up by his jacket collar, walks him over to the door and smashes Tom's 
 head into the door. He then turns Tom around and punches him in the stomach and in the 
 face.
 Tom falls to the floor and Al pulls him up again by his jacket collar.

TOM	[disoriented] Well, I can see by the stars on the wall it's time to go.

 Tom tries to catch an imaginary star.

TOM	See you, Kelly.

AL	[to Tom] Come here.

 Al leads Tom to the door, opens it, smashes Tom's head into the side of the door and
 pushes him out. He closes the door. Kelly gets up and walks over to Al.

KELLY	Thanks a lot, dad. Now I'll never know his name.

AL	Pumpkin, you have to understand, part of being a parent is protecting the morals
	of my children.

 We hear Bud giving Pam directions offscreen.

BUD	[offscreen] Okay move... no, don't move... okay, move... Wait, wait! [pause] Oh,
	damn!

 Kelly looks disgusted.

AL	Now, Pumpkin, as you know, as you know daddy's going away to Washington to make
	America safe for Psycho Dad. Now when your mom wakes up - and she will, 'cause
	she knows I hate that! - Remember: you haven't seen me.

KELLY	So it's like I'm doing you a favor?

AL	Exactly!

 Kelly walks over to Bud, who is asleep on Pam's lap.

KELLY	Aha. Hey Bud, did you hear that? Dad wants us to do him a *favor*.

 Bud snores. Kelly kicks him and he wakes up.

BUD	I'll call you. I mean it. I love you.

 Bud falls asleep again. Kelly walks back over to Al.

KELLY	What he means is, is that if we do you a favor, than we should get one in  
         return. You know, squid pro quo.

AL	No party.

KELLY	[calling out] Mom!

AL	Oh, wait, Pumpkin! [holds his hands up] Just try to keep the party small this 
         time...

KELLY	Oh thank you daddy. [hugs Al] I promise. I mean, how much fun could it be? 
         Bud's gonna be there.

 Kelly runs up the stairs, just as Peg is coming down.

PAM	Tell me about it.

 Pam drums her fingers on sleeping Bud's back. Al starts to pick up his fishing 
 equipment.

PEG	Al...

AL	Oh no.

 Peg walks over to Al.

PEG	Al, it is five in the morning. Where are you going?

AL	Fishing, Peg. Ice-fishing, to be exact.

PEG	You never used to like ice-fishing.

AL	Am I not permitted to grow as a human being, Peg?

PEG	Well, I don't know, Al.

 There's a knock on the door.

AL	Well, if you don't believe me, here's one of my ice-fishing friends.

 Al opens the door. Jefferson is standing outside, in hunting gear.

JEFF	Hey, buddy. You ready to go deer-hunting?

 Al smiles to Peg. 

AL	[to Jefferson] You mean 'ice-fishing', don't you, Jefferson?

JEFF	[whispering] I voted 'no' on ice-fish -

 Al steps forcefully on Jefferson's foot. Jefferson cries out in pain and doubles 
 over.

JEFF	[painfully] Did I say 'deer-hunting'? I meant 'ice-fishing'.

AL	Yeah Peg. See, Jefferson forgot the big part of ice-fishing is getting the bait.
	And in this case it's... deer.

JEFF	Fish... love deer.

 There's a knock on the door.

JEFF	Well, let's go.

 Jefferson opens the door and Griff comes in, wearing skiing clothes and holding a 
 pair of skis.

GRIFF	Hey guys, ready to go skiing?

 Peg folds her arms expectantly. Al forces a smile.

AL	Excuse us one minute, Peg.

 Al, Griff and Jefferson huddle. The frame flips...
 We now see all six No Ma'amers standing in a half-circle by the door. Ike is wearing
 camping gear, Bob Rooney is in a diving suit and Officer Dan is dressed as an Indian
 chief.

AL	Ready?

GUYS	Ready!

 Al turns to Peg and forces another smile.

AL	So you see Peg, after Jefferson gets the deer bait [Jefferson mimes shooting a
	gun], Griff [Griff steps forward] has to ski it down to the lake, where Ike [Ike
	steps forward] has set up camp. And Bob Rooney [Bob Rooney mimes diving] scuba 
	dives it into the lake, to see which fish are the hungriest, telling Officer Dan
	[Dan holds up his hand], so he in turn can smoke-signal the information back to
	me, so I can ice-fish with utmost confidence.

PEG	Of course. Have a nice time, boys.

AL	Let's go! Move on out! March!

 The guys start to leave, chattering excitedly.

PEG	[calling out after Al] Catch a big one, Al.

 Al stops at the door.

AL	Oh, I already have, Peg.

 Al leaves and closes the door. Peg walks over to the phone and dials.

PEG	[talking on the phone] Hello, Marcy? Yeah, they just left for DC. [listens] All
	right, I'll meet you at the airport around noonish? [listens] Great. See ya!

 Peg puts the phone reciever down and heads upstairs. The camera centers on Bud, who 
 is still sleeping on Pam's lap.


SCENE TWO

 Night time
 We see a window and hear gunfire and the wailing of police sirens in the distance.
 Caption: "OUR NATION'S CAPITOL".
 The camera zooms out to reveal the darkened interior of a hotelroom. The door opens
 and Al and the No Ma'am guys come in. Al turns the lights on.

AL	Here we are, boys. City of brotherly love.

JEFF	No, that's Philadelphia.

AL	Well, what's Washington?

DAN	A team without a quarterback.

 Al walks over to the window and looks out.

AL	You guys are so cynical. Here we are in the capital of the greatest nation on  
         the free earth, and you can't even appreciate - everybody down!

 The guys throw themselves to the floor and a burst of gunfire is heard. One of the 
 windows shatters.

GRIFF	[to Al] Nice room you got us! Was the John Hinkley Arms booked?

AL	Relax, we're not gonna be here that long. 

 They all start to get up.

AL	Tomorrow we address the senate, get Psycho Dad back on, strap some fish on the
	hood of the Dodge and [snaps his fingers] back in Chicago. The big apple.

IKE	Look, I don't wanna rain on anybody's parade, but what makes you think we can
         get into Congress without any credentials?

BOB R	Sonny Bono did.

DAN	Besides, Jefferson said he could get us in. And you've gotta trust a guy that's
	named after a president.

IKE	[to Jefferson] I thought you were named after Sherman Helmsley. That's what you
	told me.

JEFF	[defensively] Yeah, you know, well my mom got the idea -

AL	Guys, guys. Let's not argue. We're in Washington. Let's take advantage of what
         it has to offer. Griff, check out room service. Ike, fix that TV so we don't
         have to pay for the porn channel.

 Ike walks over to the TV, takes out a screwdriver and starts working on the TV. The
 others scatter around the room.

JEFF	[to Al] Hey Al, don't you wanna call home, make sure Peg and the kids are okay?

AL	Ah, relax, Jefferson. Nothing's gonna happen.

 We hear a news anchor speaking on the television.

TV	Late word today from Chicago, where a simple house party has spread like a 
         virus, in what's been described as a 'Woodstock without the music'. Police have
         been put on tactical alert -

 Ike whacks the TV and the channel changes. We hear muzak and then a sensual female 
 voice talking.

TV	Ohhh, Santa. Who's been very very bad?

 We hear the lashing of a whip from the TV. The guys hoot and cheer.

AL	Hey guys, we've got porn on the TV, we got the clothes on our back, we got the
	beds to ourselves. Dare I say it - it doesn't get any better than this.

 The door opens; Marcy and Peg are standing outside with their arms folded, looking 
 sore.

AL	[stiffly, without turning] What took you so long?

PEG	Ice-fishing, huh?

AL	Well, we were on our way and Ike said he had never seen the Washington
         monument...

 Marcy and Peg come in and walk over to the TV.

MARCY	Speaking of the Washington monument... what is that?

 She points at the TV screen.

JEFF	C-Span is broadcasting the Senate page tryouts.

AL	[to Marcy and Peg] Anyhow, what are you doing here?

MARCY	We came to stop you from embarassing yourselves.

 The picture changes to Bob Rooney, who's being jarred forcibly by a vibrating bed.

MARCY	Too late.

PEG	[to Al] Now what makes you guys think that the Congress of the United States 
	could possibly care what you have to say?

MARCY	Don't you head lice realize that the people of America have spoken? And America
         is definitely anti-violence. [she looks out the window] Look out!

 Everyone ducks. Rapid gunfire is heard again. Officer Dan gets up, runs to the window,
 smashes it and fires three shots outside with his pistol. He looks out the window and
 smiles with satisfaction.

DAN	Damn postal workers. [shouting outside] Hey! We're from Chicago! Don't you know
	we invented random violence?

 Everyone gets up.

PEG	I still say that you will never get into the senate.

AL	We will so. Jefferson said he knows people in high places.

MARCY	Jefferson knows jack. [to Jefferson] When are you gonna stop telling the 
         buffoons these fanciful James Bond-ian tales of daring do?

 Two men in black suits and sunglasses come in behind Marcy as she speaks and walk over
 to Jefferson's side.

MARCY	You know, if you were half as creative with your job resumes as you -

 Marcy notices the men and stops short.

CHOPPER	[to Jefferson] Good evening, Bullwinkle.

JEFF	Hello Chopper, Geronimo. 

GERONIM	Long time no see.

CHOPPER	What's up?

JEFF	Iraq, Iran, I married...

 Chopper and Geronimo laugh briefly and resume their solemn posture.

GERONIM	So, what time do you need the bird?

JEFF	0600 will be fine.

CHOPPER	Cool.

GERONIM	Over.

JEFF	Out.

 The men leave.

MARCY	[to Jefferson] You know, we are really gonna have to talk about your past 
         someday.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 We see an outside view of the US Capitol. Caption: "THE NEXT DAY"
 The picture changes to an inside view of the Senate hall. The doors open and Chopper
 and Geronimo lead Peg, Marcy and the No Ma'amers inside.

CHOPPER	Ladies and gentleman, I give you the United States Senate.

AL	[awe-stricken] Look at it, guys. This is where it all happens. The power, the
	intrigue, the chicks...

MARCY	Look guys, there is no way the US Senate is gonna put aside the important 
         business of running this nation to discuss something as moronic as "Psycho Dad".

 Geronimo walks over to Senator Furman, who is running the meeting, and whispers 
 something in his ear. Furman nods and hammers on his anvil.

FURMAN	We'll have to table this debate on the Arab-Israeli peace accords. The men from
         "No Ma'am" are here to lobby on behalf of "Psycho Dad".

 Marcy looks shocked.

MARCY	[to Jefferson] We are *really* gonna have to discuss your past.

FURMAN	Would the group approach the chair and take a seat, please.

AL	[to Marcy and Peg] Hey, wait a second now. Where are you two going?

PEG	Well, up there with you.

MARCY	I mean, you can't possibly think that we're gonna let you fight for "Psycho Dad"
         without us having our say, do you?

AL	[to Jefferson] Oh, Bullwinkle...

 Al smiles to Jefferson. Jefferson nods. 
 Frame flips to Marcy and Peg bound and gagged, being watched over by Chopper and
 Geronimo. Chopper starts to read a newspaper. The camera zooms in on the headline, 
 which reads: "CHICAGO HOUSE PARTY RAGES UNCHECKED! National Guard To Seal Off Area!"
 The No Ma'amers approach the room's front.

FURMAN	Good morning, gentlemen. My name is senator Furman, and I am chairman of the
	presidential sub-committee for taste in television.

 Bob Rooney turns to Al.

BOB R	[whispering to Al] Hey Al, 'taste in television': T-I-

AL	[to Bob Rooney] Shut up!

 Al and Bob Rooney turn to face Furman again.

FURMAN	And you six are here to argue on behalf of a television show that was recently
         canceled due to excessive violence, namely "Psycho Dad". Now, who'll begin?

AL	I will, sir.

 Al walks over to Furman's podium and stands in front of it, facing the senate. The 
 other five stand in a line in front of Al.

DAN	Remember Al, short and to the point.

JEFF	Yeah, and don't say anything that'll make us look stupid.

AL	Well, no problem. [to the Senate] Senators and senatorettes...

 The other No Ma'amers look embarassed.

AL	Since man has evolved from the mighty atom, he has searched endlessly for two
	things. The other is entertainment. Entertainment was easy for the simple
         caveman. Man brought home food, woman burned it. Giant pterodactyle swoops down,
         chases woman, she falls in mud, a good laugh was had by all. 

 Senator Furman hammers on his anvil.

FURMAN	Sit down, Mr. Bundy.

AL	[bowing] Yes, Your Majesty.

 Al walks down from the podium.

FURMAN	Anyone else?

 All the other No Ma'amers raise their hands.

FURMAN	You there, with the moons.

BOB R	Yes, sir.

 Bob Rooney faces the senate.

BOB R	Well, uh, we just think you should bring back Psycho Dad because, well, he 
	symbolized everything that's great about this country. I mean, like, like take
         the time he went charging into that Indian village that was filled with unarmed
         women and children, right? [getting excited] So he's blasting away -

 Griff pulls Bob Rooney towards him. He and Officer Dan look nervous.

GRIFF	What the total stranger standing beside me is trying to say is, nobody talks 
         about the good side of Psycho Dad.

BOB R	Yeah!

FURMAN	Gentleman, is it not true that the lyrics to the Psycho Dad theme song in part
	reads: [reads from a paper on his desk] "he's quick with a gun, but he loves his
	son, so he killed his wife 'cause she weighed a ton"?

 Al walks over to Furman, raising his hand.

AL	In Psycho Dad's defence, when he married her she wasn't fat, Your Bigness.

 Al walks backwards away from Furman, bowing all the way.

 Officer Dan puts on a face mask and walks over to the center.

DAN	[to Furman] Sir?

 He turns to face the Senate.

DAN	As a police officer who's proud to be a "No Ma'amer", I think we have to 
	distinguish between real violence and cartoon violence.

 Ike walks over to Dan and puts his hand around his shoulder.

IKE	Yeah, like, like last night, when Dan here emptied his .38 into a crowd of     
         punks, they knew this man and his hot lead were for real. Now, a cartoon Dan, 
         in the first place would have to be much better looking.

 Ike removes Officer Dan's face make. Dan looks shocked.

IKE	I submit this sketch -

 Ike holds up a drawing. 

DAN	You -

 Dan charges at Ike but the others quickly separate between them. 

FURMAN	[in despair] Is there anything else, gentlemen?

AL	Yeah, uh, look, I know we could've been a little more articulate if we had taken
	notes like I wanted to do, instead of staying up all night watching "The Panty
	Clause" -
 
 The others smirk among themselves.

AL	- but our point here is we know where real violence comes from. And it's not
         from that magic box I like to call TV. Oh sure, the tube can be blamed for a lot
         of things: Brent Musberger; "Full House"; any show where overweight female cops
         dress up as hookers... But violence? That's too easy. We've all been brought up
         on Roadrunner cartoones and The Three Stooges, but how many of us have run a saw
         across a bald guy's head? How many of us have drawn a tunnel on the side of a
         mountain, only to watch our loved ones smash themselves into it? And you know
         why? Because we had parents, ladies and gentlemen, parents who said "don't do
         what TV tells you to do, do what we tell you to do, or it's five across the
         eyes!" Anyway, I say if there's a problem with TV today, it's because parents
         aren't saying that anymore. Take my kids. Please.

 There is a long silence.

AL	[to Jefferson] Thanks for the joke, Jefferson.

JEFF	Kennedy's on the floor.

AL	Kennedy is always on the floor. Anyway, my kids may not be angels, but when they
         screw up, I don't blame TV. I put the blame squarely where it belongs - on their
         mother.

 The other No Ma'amers nod in agreement.

IKE	And rap music.

AL	And rap music.

GRIFF	I like rap music!

 The guys start to argue.

AL	Guys, guys! I'm talking to the Senate.

 The guys fall silent.

AL	So in conclusion, I'd like to say the next time you want to find the source of
	violence, try looking on the other side of the screen. Thank you, and God save
         the Queen. 

 Al bows and mimes lifting the edges of a skirt. He walks off the podium and joins the
 rest of the No Ma'amers in a huddle. Behind them Furman confers with several other 
 senators.

GRIFF	What happens now?

AL	Well, unfortunately Griff the wheels of justice move very slowly.

 Furman finishes conferring and hammers on his anvil.

FURMAN	We've reached a decision, Mr. Bundy. Violence is not acceptable in a civilized
         society. Psycho Dad's gone and this meeting is adjourned.

 Al stares in shock for a moment, then makes a frustrated face.


SCENE TWO

 Outside the senate hall
 We see two senators leaving, each accompanied by two girls.
 Al, Griff and Peg are sitting on a bench. Al is trying to console Griff, who is
 weeping.

AL	Ah, take it easy, Griff. We might have lost "Psycho Dad", but we will win the
         war!

GRIFF	[sobbing] It's not that. To tell the truth, I never even liked "Psycho Dad".

AL	Well, what is it, then?

GRIFF	[sobbing] I really thought we were going ice-fishing!

 Griff leaves.

PEG	Al, if it means anything -

AL	It won't.

PEG	Let's go.

 Al and Peg stand up.

AL	We will win this thing, Peg. Commonsense will prevail.

PEG	I know, dear.

 Al and Peg start to leave and then halt in their tracks.

AL	Hey, Peg. Hey, look at that.

 We see a thug threatening Senator Furman in the corner of the hallway. Al walks over to
 the thug, punches him and knocks him out.

FURMAN	Why, thank you Mr. Bundy. I would've been lost without my Discover card. Is 
         there anything I can do for you?

AL	Well, you can try to put guys like that in jail. Or cancel "Blossom", maybe 
         that's where he got the idea to wear the hat.

 Al and Peg leave arm in arm. On their way they pass by a sleeping security guard. 
 The camera zooms in on the radio at his feet.

RADIO	And in our continuing coverage of the mother-of-all-parties, the Chicago blowout
         has now engulfed a major portion of the upper midwest. The National Guard has
         begun setting backparties in hopes of containing the {{inaudible word; possibly 
         'main blaze'}}.




 THE END