I WANT MY PSYCHO DAD
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog............Buck
E.E. Bell...............Bob Rooney
Dan Tullis, Jr..........Officer Dan
Andrew Prine............Psycho Dad
Teresa Parente..........Miranda Cardenal
Bill Lee Brown..........Cameraman
Bud and Kelly are standing next to the kitchen table. Bud is adding chemicals to an unseen
object using a dropper.
BUD Di-sodium quanulate... di-acidal teteric acid...
KELLY You know, I don't feel good about this, Bud. I mean, I know we're mad at Dad for
not letting us have a party and everything, but even he doesn't deserve this. This
cool and unusable punishment.
BUD Desperate times call for desperate measures, Kel. Now, just a little peridoxine
hydrochloride... and voila! Snack mountain.
Bud holds up a tray filled with various kinds of junk food.
BUD Now, once Dad washes this down with tonight's episode of Psycho Dad, he'll
say "yes" quicker than you do on a first date.
Bud puts down the tray on the coffee table.
KELLY Sure hope you're right.
Kelly places the bowl of chips she's holding on the coffee table too.
Peg comes down the stairs.
PEGGY Good morning, kids. Gee, you guys are up early. What time is it?
BUD Five PM.
PEGGY Darn. I slept through my afternoon nap. So what are you up to?
KELLY Oh, just trying to bribe Daddy into letting us have a party.
PEGGY You know, that could be tough. I don't think he's forgotten the last one.
She sits on the couch next to Bud and Kelly.
PEGGY You know, the night-sticks, the sirens, the strip-searches... not to mention
what happened after the police got here.
KELLY Mom, a woman only turns twelve once. I'm much more of an adultress now.
BUD So, do you think Dad will go for it, Ma?
PEGGY Well, I don't know. But at least you have his two favorite food groups here:
greasy and salty.
BUD And to seal the deal, Psycho Dad's on tonight.
KELLY Yeah, well, for the sake of the party I hope he still likes the show.
Al comes in, wearing a Psycho Dad cowboy hat, and hangs his jacket.
AL [singing] Who's that riding into the sun?
Who's the man with the itchy gun?
Who's the man who kills for fun?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad.
Hi Bud, hi Kelly, hi Couch-monster. Does anybody know what night it is?
PEGGY The night the rest of your body secedes from your armpits?
AL You know, Peg, how do you think of those and fight gravity at the same time?
Anyway, tonight there's a very special episode of the Dad on. He caught his
wife and the school marm teaching his son housework, but he's only got one
cartridge left. What does he do? [smiles] What would any of us do?
Bud holds up the tray of food for Al to see.
BUD Dad, did you notice we made you some Psycho Dad vittles?
KELLY Yes, a veritable coronary copia of your favorites.
BUD We're sorry, but they were out of the twice-fried gristle logs.
AL Ah, you two are the best kids any father accidentally ever had. Now come on,
beat it! Psycho Dad's coming on.
Bud and Kelly get up and stand near the couch. Al sits down on the couch next to Peg.
KELLY [quietly, to Bud:] When do we ask him about the party?
BUD As soon as Psycho Dad is over.
TV And now, ladies and gentleman...
Al Psycho Dad!
TV ... will not be seen tonight, so we may present the all-Barbara special. Stay
tuned as Barbara Walters interviews Barbara Streisand, Barbara Bush and then
Barbara Streisand again!
AL No Psycho Dad?? How can this be? Peg, what moron is behind this?
Marcy comes in and takes off her gloves.
MARCY [singing] Who's the guy who's show is done?
Who's TV hero's on the run?
Who'll be watching VH1?
Loser Al, loser Al, Loser Al!
She sits on the couch next to Al.
PEGGY Marcy, I don't think this is a very good time.
MARCY Are you kidding? This is a great time! My women's group finally helped get
Psycho Dad cancelled.
AL Cancelled?? You got it cancelled??
KELLY [to Bud:] Now can we ask him?
KELLY Why not? The show couldn't be more over.
AL Why, Marcy?
MARCY Because Psycho Dad was the most violent program on TV. Did you know that
they portrayed an average of 84 killings per one-hour show?
AL Well, a man's gotta re-load...
MARCY My point, ear-wig, is that violence on TV desensitizes people.
AL Well, so does marriage, and they haven't cancelled that yet! Despite all my
letters. And I don't wanna hear all that politically correct rooster poop
that television is the cause of all our problems. People don't act a certain
way just because it's on TV.
PEGGY You know, that's true. Al watches a lot of sex on HBO.
AL And Peg watches a lot of "Models Inc."
MARCY Al, violence has no place on the streets or on TV, and we've gotta start
Marcy gets up.
MARCY Today Psycho Dad, tomorrow... everything else that men enjoy.
She laughs and leaves. Al throws his bowl of potato chips at her but she closes
the door before it hits her.
KELLY [to Bud:] Okay, now can we ask him?
BUD Are you for real? Or has someone switched you with a pod from Planet Bimbo?
And if so, are there more like you?
Bob Rooney and Griff come in, also wearing Psycho Dad cowboy hats.
GRIFF Hey Al, what gives?
BOB R Yeah, did they take off Psycho Dad on your TV too?
He notices the potato chips on the floor, picks one up and eats it.
BOB R Ooh. Hey... hey... mmm, ranch-style.
PEGGY Stand back, kids. Hewey, Dewey and [Looks at Al] Ewey are here.
Al gets up and walks over to Bob Rooney and Griff.
AL Men, listen up. They've cancelled Psycho Dad.
BOB R What??
AL Yes. And you know who's behind it?
AL No. Marcy D'Arcy, chicken at large. Well I say there's no way we'll give up
our Psycho Dad.
Bob R: What can we do?
Griff: We can write letters.
Al: Oh, real men don't write letters.
Griff: They do to Penthouse.
Bob R: They've got letters in Penthouse?
Bud: Of course they have letters in Penthouse. So you have something to do right
He stops and looks around with embarrassment.
Bud: Right after you... you've finished reading the interviews.
Bob R: They've got interviews in Penthouse??
Al: All right, come on everyone, think. We're men. Let's use the power of our giant
Al, Griff and Bob Rooney fall into deep concentration.
Al, Griff and Bob Rooney are still concentrating.
Bud, Peg and Kelly are sitting on the couch watching them.
Bud: Ma, they've been like that for hours now. Should we get the jumper cables?
Peg: No need.
Peg picks up a can of beer and opens it. The three men snap out of their concentration.
Al: I got it! We'll picket the TV stations. Once the word gets out, our fellow men will
come from every part of the country. Men, gather the troops. This will be the
biggest demonstration Chicago has ever had!
Outside the studios of WHBZ.
We see several signs ("Boycott WHBZ", "Save Psycho Dad", "Bring Back Psycho Dad", "Honk If
You Love Psycho Dad" and "John 316") appearing above a tall pile of snow. Al and Griff are
heard talking from behind the pile of snow.
Griff: [V.O.] Hey, Al?
Al: [V.O.] Yeah?
Griff: [V.O.] Remember that letter-writing idea that I had?
Bob Rooney, Ike, Jefferson, Al and Griff are walking around in circles outside the WHBZ studios,
holding their signs and chanting.
All: [chanting] Bring back Psycho Dad. Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bob R: Bring back the feeling in my feet!
Al: All right, have a two minute break.
They break up the circle and put down their signs.
Ike: How long have we been here?
Al: Counting the break? Two and a half minutes.
Jeff: Say, Al, don't think that I'm not grateful for your dragging me out of a warm pool
hall to picket on this balmy winter morn, but are you sure that anyone is giving,
oh, say, a rat's patute about this?
Al: Boy, you don't know anything about America, do you?
Griff: Well, we know that its landscape will be littered with frozen dead guys if we don't
get the hell out of here.
Al: Well, for your information, ladies, this country was founded on the power of
protest. From the Boston Tea Party to the March of Dimes, the strong and the brave
have always stood up to make their voices heard. And Al Bundy, too, will make his
voice heard. I will stand! I will fight! I will - boys, here comes the cops. Ditch
They all put their signs away. Officer Dan arrives.
Al: Hey, Officer Dan! How's the wife and kids?
Dan: Warm. Why aren't I?
Al: Well, if by that you mean what are we doing here, well we, uh... tell him,
Jeff: Al made us come.
Al: Thanks, Jefferson, nice cover.
Dan: Okay, boys, let's head for the squad car.
Griff: Aren't you even gonna search us?
Dan: It's 13 degrees out here. I don't even care what I've got concealed.
Al: Oh, come on, Dan, give us a break. We're just protesting, that's all.
Dan: Protest or no protest, you just can't gather a -
He notices the sign Griff is holding ("Save Psycho Dad").
Dan: Psycho Dad? They took off Psycho Dad??
The others nod. The frame flips and we see the guys, now including Officer Dan, walking
around in circles again, holding their signs and chanting.
All: [chanting] Bring back Psycho Dad. Bring back Psycho Dad.
Al: I don't understand it, the press must have gotten wind of this by now. What could
be keeping 'em?
Griff: Polar bears, maybe?
Al: All right, a couple of more times around and we'll take a few... months off.
Bob R: Hey, look, I think I see another protester coming.
Al; Okay, snap to, boys. Make him feel welcome.
Bud joins the circle, holding a "Party Animals For Psycho Dad" sign.
All: Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bud: Let your kids have a party!
All: Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bud: Let your kids have a party!
All: Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bud: Let your kids -
Al: Hey, now!
They stop circling. Al pulls down Bud's sign and removes his face mask.
Al: Sargent-At-Arms Ike, eject the infidel.
Bud is thrown over the snow pile, screaming.
Ike: Hey all, I've got an idea. Bob Rooney's got a heated garage.
Al: Yeah, and he's got the profile of a mantity, too. What's your point?
Ike: Well, we can protest there and be warm.
Al: Hmm. Protest in Bob Rooney's garage... but how can we be sure our message will
reach the people?
Ike: We'll leave our signs outside.
The others mutter in agreement and they all leave. As soon as they do, Miranda Cardinal
and her cameraman arrive.
Mrnda: Now, let's see. It's forty degrees below zero with 20 mile an hour winds. Who do we
send outside today? One of our many Arian anchormen, or the woman from a country
named after the Equator?
Cameraman: [shivering] You're on.
Mrnda: Hi! This is Miranda VeraCruz de la Jolla Cardinal, and we are here live outside the
studios of WHBZ, where some sort of pro-violence demonstration was supposed to be
held. But the only evidence we could find is a crumpled copy of Penthouse magazine,
and the name Al mysteriously written in the snow. So, once again, it seems the joke's
on me! Ha ha ha ha ha. This is Miranda VeraCruz de la Jolla Cardinal, saying: I'd
have that anchor job by now, if I had just slept with Peter Jennings instead of
Al is sitting on the couch in blankets with a thermometer in his mouth, shivering.
Bud and Kelly come in. Kelly sits next to Al.
Kelly: Hi, Daddy. How're you feeling?
Al: Well, let's see...
He takes the thermometer out of his mouth and looks at it.
Al: Ah-ha, I'm dead.
Kelly: Oh good. Now, what would you say if I told you that Bud and I got Psycho Dad back on
Al: You got Psycho Dad back on the air? You better not be kidding or you're gonna have
to outrun the Dodge.
Buck: Rush Limbaugh can outrun the Dodge.
Bud: No, seriously, Dad, if we can get Psycho Dad back on the air, would you let us throw
Al: Son, if you got Psycho Dad back on the air, not only will I let you throw a party,
I'll provide the fake vomit.
Kelly: Well, break out the barf, Dad, because we got Psycho Dad back on the air and it's on
Bud: Ooh, but, uh, close your eyes first, Dad, 'cause there's still a few minutes left of
"Saved By The Bell: The Prison Years".
Kelly covers Al's eyes, while Bud inserts a video tape into the VCR. The Psycho Dad theme
song is heard playing.
Bud: [in an announcer's voice] And now, the return of your favorite western, Psycho Dad.
Al: Well, shut my mouth and call me married, that is Psycho Dad! [laughing with joy]
That is Psycho Dad! Uh oh...
Bud: What? What's wrong?
Al: Ah, it's just my stinking luck. It's a re-run.
Al: Yeah, yeah, I recognize this episode. This is the part where he's gonna shoot his
wife, she ducks and he accidentally kills president Lincoln instead. Damn women!
Kelly: Well, that's no problem. I'll just fast-forward the tape to the part you don't
Kelly fast-forwards the video tape a bit, before realizing the mistake she's made.
Bud: Dad, we only did this to make you happy.
Kelly: Yeah, it wasn't to trick you into letting us have a party, or that nifty vomit
thing, or anything.
Al: I knew it was too good to be true.
Kelly: So can we have a party?
Al: Be gone, children of the corn.
Bud: [to Kelly] Way to go, VCR minus.
Kelly: Oh well, like they say in France, "comme ci, comme di."
Bud and Kelly go upstairs. Jefferson, Ike, Bob Rooney, Griff and Officer Dan come in and
gather around Al.
Jeff: Al, turn on the TV, Psycho Dad's on.
Al: Yeah, and my wife and kids are just figments of Stephen King's imagination.
Griff: No, really, it's on the news. He's holding a press conference.
Al: He is? He is? I knew he wouldn't take this lying down. Hey, I bet he got my letter.
Dan: You wrote Psycho Dad a letter?
Al: Well, not actually a letter, but I cut out some letters from the newspaper and taped
it in, you know. Like the way Psycho Dad did when he kidnapped the circuit judge, so
there couldn't be no wedding. I knew the Psychester wouldn't let his biggest fans
We see the press conference being held with the man playing Psycho Dad.
P.Dad: Sure, the cancellation was a shock. I felt hurt, I'd been rejected... I thought:
"Well, nobody cares anymore about a simple saga of a guy run amok in the old west".
Al: Man's a freaking poet.
P.Dad: And while I was at my lowest, this letter arrived.
He holds up a letter.
Al: Maybe that's my letter.
P.Dad: It came postage due.
Al: It is my letter!
P.Dad: I'd like to read it to you now. "Dear Psycho Dad" - spelled S-Y-K-O.
The others look at Al oddly.
Al: Well, you try to find P's and H's in USA Today.
P.Dad: [reading the letter out loud] "Hi. My name is Al. I'm just a regular joe. Sure, I
scored four touchdowns in a game once, but that's not the point. The point is: I
like you, Psycho Dad. I really, really like you. No, not in that way. So please don't
let them take you off, I beg you, fight this thing like you would fight a varmit or
an ex-wife. Your friend, Al. PS: What does Barbara Eden look like naked?"
Jeff: Barbara Eden??
Bob R: She's a thousand!
Al: I didn't mean now!
P.Dad: Ladies and gentleman, this letter has made clear to me that if Psycho Dad elicits
this kind of response from the public, there's only one thing I can do.
All: Fight! Fight!
P.Dad: Yes, quit. Quit, apologize, and renounce forever the character of Psycho Dad. If
this is the kind of following that I inspire, then I'm afraid I must stop leading.
However, since the network's offering me big bucks, be sure to watch me in my new
show: "Lefkowitz: Special Education Teacher's Aid". Thank you. And to you, Al:
goodbye, and, uh, get help.
Ike: I can't believe Psycho Dad would sell us out.
Al: That's not Psycho Dad talking. He doesn't use words like "character" or "education"
or "Lefkowitz". He's been brainwashed by people like Marcy and her do-gooders. Well,
we've got to think of something!
Griff: Use the power of our giant manly brains?
Al: No, that'll take too long.
Dan: Yeah. What would Psycho Dad do if he were one of us?
Bob R: He would, uh... he'd take some women hostage and make them do laundry.
Al: No, Psycho Dad don't have no laundry. He's been wearing the same psycho suit for
Griff: And now he's hanging it up for good.
Al: Well, we can't just sit here and let it happen.
Jeff: What do you want us to do? We're not going back to Ice Station Zebra again.
Al: No. I'm taking this fight to the place that stands for liberty. That stands for
freedom of expression.
Jeff: The Nudie Bar?
Al: No. Well, maybe first. Then we're going to our nation's capital. Gentleman, No
Ma'am is going to Washington!
The guys cheer.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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