DIAL B FOR VIRGIN
Ed O'Neill...............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal..............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate......Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley.............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog.............Buck
Beverly Archer...........Miss Hardaway
Bodhi Pine Elfman........Clerk
Phill Lodwick............Security Guard
Al is sitting on the couch, changing TV channels with the remote control.
TV And now, stay tuned for the show too good for television...
Al changes the channel.
TV We now return to Wings.
Al changes the channel again.
TV Our Wings marathon!
Al quickly changes the channel, then watches with disbelief.
TV [Chinese language] ...Wings.
Al switches the TV off.
AL Ahh, I'd cancel my cable if I wasn't stealing it from the D'Arcys.
Bud comes in through the front door.
BUD Dad. I got a problem. [sits on the couch with Al] I, er, I did something
AL Oh, Son. You didn't... marry, did you?
BUD God, no. No, I volunteered for this programme at college where they
assign you community service work for extra credit. Well, I was hoping
to get "Save The Brazilian Rain Forest"...
AL Why, what do you care?
BUD I wanted to see naked women from Rio.
AL Well, you can do that during Wet Gaucho Night at the Nudie Bar.
BUD Well, the Brazilian course got filled by the football team, so they
assigned me to the only charity they had left open.
AL Which is?
BUD I can't even tell you, it's too humiliating to talk about. I'm just
thankful the word hasn't hit the streets yet.
Kelly rushes in through the front door.
KELLY Hey, Daddy, guess what? Bud has been assigned to the Virgin Hotline.
Kelly laughs loudly and sits on the couch with Bud and Al.
BUD But we do know, however, that word has hit the old mattress behind the Y.
AL Virgin Hotline!? What the hell is a Virgin Hotline?
BUD Well, Dad, you probably don't know this, but today there's a big
movement towards celibacy.
AL Know it? Hell, I started it!
BUD No, Dad, this is 'no sex before marriage.'
You see, the hotline was set up so that when virgins felt in danger of
losing their... well, their innocence, they could call someone to be...
KELLY Nipped in the Bud.
Kelly laughs out loud again.
BUD ...or counselled, for those of us who breathe through our noses.
KELLY Ask him what the phone number is, Dad.
AL Now, now, Sweetheart, the least we can be is a little sensitive here.
What is the phone number, Pumpkin?
KELLY 1-800-ZIPP UP.
Al and Kelly burst out laughing.
BUD Yeah, that's right, Gomer [Kelly] and Piles [Al]. Yuck it up.
[stands up] Now, if I can ask a favor; Can we please keep a lid on this
one? My answering the phones has got to be completely anonymous, and I
just assume no-one else knew it was me.
Jefferson bursts in through the front door.
JEFFSN Hey, Bud! I heard on the radio; you're on the Virgin Hotline.
KELLY They said Bud's name on the radio?
JEFFSN Well, actually it was a jingle; er, let me see, how did it go...
[sings] If you're a virgin with hormones surgin',
keep on your undies and call Bud Bundy's... Virgin Hotline.
Jefferson sits down on the arm of the couch.
AL That's catchy.
BUD [sarcastically] Thank you. Well, self esteem intact, I'm gonna get ready
for my orientation now. Kelly...
KELLY Mm mmm?
BUD Would you be so kind as to insult me up the stairs, please?
Kelly, eager to oblige, follows Bud upstairs.
KELLY Aww, my pleasure. Now, when people call up, do you merely talk them out
of sex, or do you send them a picture of yourself and scare the pants
back on them?
Peggy enters through the front door, carrying a newspaper. She sits next to Al
on the couch.
PEGGY Hey, Al, guess what? They're having a sale at the video store. See,
Peggy shows the newspaper to Al. On the page facing us, is a full-page advert
for the Virgin Hotline that includes a big picture of Bud.
AL So, what do I care? I don't go to the video store.
PEGGY Well, I want you to come with me.
AL Oh oh oh, no. That's why we have cable, Peg. You can see the best and
never leave your house... [switches on the TV] watch.
TV Tonight: Tom Selleck in Mr. Baseball. Then John Goodman is King Ralph.
But first, Wings.
Al switches off the TV and then Peggy and Al get up off the couch to leave.
AL I'll drive.
JEFFSN Hey, you guys mind if I hang out? If I go home, Marcy will know I'm not
at my Unemployed Anonymous Meeting.
AL Uh ah, yeah, have a good time.
Al and Peg pick up their coats to go to the video store.
Jefferson switches on the TV.
TV Welcome to the Naked Jell-O Wrestling Championship!
Al tries to go back into the house to watch the TV.
AL Hey, that's a...
Peggy drags Al out of the house.
The Virgin Hotline office.
Bud enters timidly.
BUD Hi. I'm here for the, er, Virgin Hotline. I'm, er...
HARDWY Bud Bundy. I know. Your face has chastity written all over it.
BUD Really? [wipes imaginary writing from his face] That damn Kelly!
HARDWY My name is Miss Hardaway, [shakes hands with Bud] I am the founder of
Virgin Hotline - not that I haven't had opportunities, but it's just
that I prefer to save myself for marriage.
BUD [confused] Whose?
HARDWY People don't understand virgins these days, Mr. Bundy. They don't
realise that we can have just as much fun as they do, while remaining
vertical with our toes uncurled and the saliva of our passions held
firmly in our proud unsullied mouths. [Bud looks doomed]
And there are so many more exciting things to do, besides having sex.
Have you ever felt the soft down of a new born baby duck? Ever collect
little ceramic unicorns? Ever play yahtzee?
BUD No, you see, I'm not a virgin.
HARDWY [laughs with disbelief] Come now, Mr. Bundy. [hands a book to Bud] Here
is your Virgin Hotline handbook. Memorise it's pithy wisdom.
BUD [reading from the book] Reach out and touch yourself???
HARDWY I love the nineties. Well, time to take calls. You man Line 1, it's our
busiest. [Bud sits down at a desk and blows clouds of dust away from the
phone] And remember, Mr. Bundy, you will be counselling these people in
their weakest moment. You must be their shelter in a storm, their anchor
in rough seas, their cold shower during heavy Jimmy Smits re-runs of
LA Law. You, Mr. Bundy, are their last line of defence. Can you do it?
Bud is staring blankly at Miss Hardaway, and his mind starts to wander.
BUD [thinking to himself] You know, with a little more make-up, and her hair
done, and some soft music...
HARDWY Mr. Bundy!
Bud snaps out of it and back to reality.
HARDWY Can you do it?
BUD Well, if the room was real dark, I might... [Miss Hardaway recoils in
horror] Oh, you mean the phones. Yeah, I can do the phones, no problem.
[the phone rings] Watch.
Hello, you're on the Virgin Hotline. This is your counsellor, er, Eugene.
CALLER Hi, my name is Isis J. Blow-Up-Doll, and my boyfriend, Bud, hasn't been
able to keep his hands off me ever since I came out of the box. Now
should I try to stay firm, or, just explode and go to pieces?
BUD Ha, very funny, Kel, but don't let me keep you; I'm sure the trucker
paid for the whole hour. [slams down the phone]
HARDWY Ah. Yes, we occasionally get those too. Usually from mean people who
have had sex. But remember, Mr. Bundy, they mock us because they envy us.
BUD Yeah, right.
[phone rings again and Bud answers] Virgin Hotline.
CALLER Hi, this is Buck. I'm wearing nothing but my fur. I miss you, Bud. I
miss our special times together. [pants]
BUD Kelly! Kelly, Please!
CALLER [singing] I love you truly, woof woof woof woof wooof!
Bud hangs up, ashamed.
HARDWY Oh, now, come now, Mr. Bundy, chin up. People used to call me and say
they were my shower head.
The phone rings and Bud picks it up, annoyed.
BUD What's the matter, Kelly, is your bed closed for repairs?
CALLER Er, is this the right number? My name is Esther, and I thought I was
calling the Virgin Hotline.
BUD Really? [to Miss Hardaway] It's a real call. [to Esther] Er, yeah, your
on the Virgin Hotline.
CALLER Well, I've been trying to wait till marriage, but everywhere you look is
sex, sex, sex.
Bud picks up a pen.
BUD Well, er, where exactly are you?
CALLER Home, watching TV. Oh God, they're doing a Bugle Boy Jeans commercial!
Bud moves the receiver so that Miss Hardaway can hear Esther.
HARDWY You're losing her, Mr. Bundy. [opens the handbook for Bud] Quick, do a TV
Bud looks a the book for guidance.
BUD A TV talk-down? OK, Esther, now listen to me. We're gonna have to take
your mind off of sex. Now... now think of the guy from the Zima
CALLER I can't. Ahh, now Melrose Place is coming on! Uhhh, Billy's taking his
Miss Hardaway races to get a cap.
HARDWY I think we have a Code Red. We're going to have to act fast. I'll keep
her talking. You go to her house.
BUD Say what???
HARDWY Don't argue. Take your handbook [puts the cap on Bud's head] and your
"Never had it, never will" Virgin Hotline cap.
CALLER Hurry, or I'm gonna have to call my boyfriend.
Miss Hardaway takes the phone from Bud and hands him the keys to her car.
HARDWY Take my car, I'll call with the address. And Bud... you have a really
Bud gets scared and leaves.
Bud arrives outside Esther's house.
BUD [to himself] Friday night, and what am I doing... talking a girl OUT
of sex. Oh my God. I am my father's Oldsmobile. Oh, well, let's get this
over with. [knocks on the door and checks the name on a piece of paper]
Esther. With a name like that, I should have brought a chew toy.
A beautiful young girl opens the door.
ESTHER Hi, I'm Esther, save me.
Esther flings her arms around Bud and hugs him tightly. Bud doesn't know where
to put his hands.
The video store.
Peggy and Al enter.
Peggy notices a stand filled with videotapes of the movie "Dutch". There's a
picture of Ed O'Neill, with a sticker over his face that reads "Free Video".
Peggy picks up one of the tapes, looks at it and tosses it back.
PEGGY Now, all we have to do is find one movie that we can both watch.
Al looks down at a shelf of tapes.
AL Hey, here's one; [reads from the case] "Die, Scum Sucking Pig, Die", Ray
Walston and Sherman Hemsley in a haunted house, Peg!
PEGGY Al, you have rented that 25 times already.
AL Well, it's good.
Peggy picks up a tape from a different shelf.
PEGGY Oh, how about this: Four Weddings and a Funeral.
AL That's kinda like 5 of the same thing, isn't it?
Hey! How about; [shows the case to Peggy] Wrestlemania Bloopers.
PEGGY You could have taped our honeymoon for that.
You know, Al, maybe you should go your way, and I'll go mine.
AL Really... after all these years? Thank you, Peg!
Al turns to leave the store. Peggy chases after him.
PEGGY Al, I mean, IN the video store. Now go find a movie we both can enjoy.
And be serious, Al.
Al and Peg separate. Al goes out of view.
AL Hey! Dwarf on Skiing.
Bud and Esther are sitting either end of the couch in Ester's living room.
BUD So, virgin, ah?
ESTHER I just can't tell you how tough it is today for a woman to maintain her
chastity. Every single girl is know is just preoccupied with sex...
they'll have it with anyone, anywhere, anytime.
BUD Really? Well, if you just give me their names, [gets ready to write in
the handbook] their photos and their phone numbers; I'll get to the
bottom of them... I mean, I mean, of "it"... the "bottom of it".
Esther sits next to Bud.
ESTHER Oh Bud, please don't leave before my mother gets home. If I take my eyes
off you, I know I'll get all horny again.
BUD [disappointed] Glad to be of service.
ESTHER Can I get you something to drink?
BUD You got anything, er... [looks at Esther's hooters] fresh squeezed?
Esther goes over to a drinks cabinet.
ESTHER I'll see. I'm really sorry to drag you out on a Friday night like this,
but I can't tell you how much I appreciate an organisation like yours,
Bud. I don't understand what's wrong with the world. Everywhere you look
Esther bends over to open a refrigerator.
Bud gets a tempting view.
BUD [thinking out loud] Zima guy, Zima guy. No, no, I mean, I mean, I mean,
At the video store.
Al and Peggy are still choosing movies.
Al hands a tape to Peggy.
Peggy reads from the case.
PEGGY Dieselhead. A man and a monster truck exchange brains???
AL Like Emilio Estevez would make a bad movie?
PEGGY Look, Al, you have said "no" to every movie that I have chosen...
AL Because every movie you choose sucks!
PEGGY "Fried Green Tomatoes" sucks???
Everyone in the store answers Peggy.
PEGGY Now look, obviously we are not going to agree on anything, I mean, why
should movies be any different than sex?
AL You can't eat popcorn when your having sex, Peg.
PEGGY Al, let's just find something to please both of us - and do NOT go into
the adult section.
Peggy wanders off to continue the search.
AL I don't even know where the adult section is.
[Al quickly side steps to his left and steps backward into the Adult
Ahhh, here are the classics; [reads some of the titles on display]
Schindler's Lust; Booty and the Beast; and my favorite, Forrest Hump.
[Al takes a closer look and trips over someone looking at the bottom
shelf] Oh, excuse me.
Marcy, wearing dark glasses as a disguise, stands up.
MARCY No problem.
Marcy takes off her disguise.
MARCY Al. It's not what you think.
AL Well, that's good, 'cause I think I'm gonna heave.
MARCY I've just been... monitoring porn for my Women's Group. We are sick of
films that exploit and degrade women, and we are not going to take it
The store clerk enters.
CLERK Here are the tapes you asked us to hold for you, Ma'am. Er, Silence of
the Loins, and the Joy Slut Club. Shall I just charge those to your
[to Al] I'm taking these home to erase them. That'll show you men.
[Marcy turns and leaves the section with the clerk]
[to the clerk] Do you have condoms?
PEGGY Oh, Al, look what I found; [holds up a tape] Like Water For Chocolate.
It's a love story.
AL What a coincidence, Peg, I found a love story too; [holds up a tape]
PEGGY All right, Al, that's it! [slams down the tape on the shelf] You get
what you want. I'm going home.
Peggy storms out of the Adult Section.
Al chases after her.
AL Oh, now, wait, Peg! This could be good. Big Uns magazine guide gives
this "2 things up."
Peggy takes the tape from Al.
PEGGY Al, I am not checking out porn. [tosses the tape over her shoulder, it
lands in a bag belonging to a lady standing behind Peggy] Now, you would
think that in a video store of 10,000 tapes, we could find at least 1
movie that we would like...
Peggy turns around and they both see the same videotape.
AL Butch Cassidy.
PEGGY Butch Cassidy.
Peggy picks up the tape.
PEGGY Oh, Al, now, here's a movie we can agree on. You remember when we were
dating, and we saw this at the drive-in?
AL I remember that we saw half of it.
PEGGY [laughs] You know, I still have the imprint of the Dodge logo on my
back. I can't believe you still have that car.
AL Well, I can't believe I still have you. Wh-where were we, Peg?
PEGGY Sharing a tender moment.
AL Oh yeah.
PEGGY You remember how they kicked us out for making too much noise?
AL Well, you were hurting me, Peg.
PEGGY Well, we certainly made up for it that night - in my father's hall
closet! [they both laugh] Oh, Al, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
AL Mrs. Assfire?
AL All right, Butch Cassidy it is.
PEGGY Oh good. I heard it had a happy ending.
An alarm goes off as the lady with the tape that Peggy tossed into her bag
innocently leaves the store.
GUARD All right, spread 'em, thief.
Al looks over at the security guards arresting the suspect.
AL Look at that, Peg.
PEGGY You know, some people have no respect for the personal property of
Peggy picks up a box of Raisinettes and pours them into her mouth, then returns
them to the sales stand.
Esther and Bud are playing scrabble.
ESTHER M, E, L, O, N, S. MELONS. Your turn.
Bud looks at the letters that he has. They spell the words: TAKE HER.
ESTHER So, what have you got?
Bud knocks the letters off the stand.
BUD N-Nothing I can use.
Esther's mother, Judy arrives home.
JUDY Hi, Honey, I'm home.
ESTHER Hi, Mom. This is my new friend, Bud. He's from...
JUDY I know; The Virgin Hotline! I saw your picture on the side of a bus.
BUD Great. You wouldn't happen to know where that bus is so I could throw
myself in front of it.
JUDY Oh, they're everywhere, Hon. And I am so glad that you were here to held
Esther in her time of need.
Now, young lady, it's time for you to do your homework.
ESTHER OK, Mom.
[shakes Bud's hand] And thank you, Bud.
Esther leaves to do her homework.
BUD Keep in touch. [to Judy] Wh, I didn't mean with me... I meant with
herself, well, not with herself, but with her school work. See ya.
Bud tries to make a quick exit, but Judy calls after him.
JUDY Well, I'd like to thank you too, Bud. If there had been a Virgin Hotline
when I was her age, I might have known who her father was.
BUD Well, knowing who your father is isn't all it's cracked up to be.
JUDY Is there any way I can repay you?
BUD No, Ma'am, no. According to the book; [holds up the Virgin Hotline
handbook] we're not allowed to take any kind of compensation.
JUDY Even if it's these?
Judy opens up her jacket right in front of Bud.
Bud tosses the handbook over his shoulder.
BUD It didn't say anything about 'tips'.
Bud turns his cap backwards.
The Bundy living room.
Buck is sitting on the couch and the Butch Cassidy videotape is playing
("Raindrops are Falling on my Head" is heard) in the VCR.
Kelly comes down the stairs.
KELLY Mom, Dad, I'm going out! Mom, Dad? [picks up the videotape case and
reads the title] Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid.
[thinks out loud] Now, why would you rent a movie and not watch it? It's
like renting a hotel room and not ripping off the honor bar.
[puts down the case and goes to get her coat from the hall closet] Old
people do the dumbest things. [When Kelly opens the closet, Peggy is
inside and she hands Kelly's coat to her] Thank you.
The closet door closes and Kelly stops dead in her tracks.
Co-Producer David Castro
Producer Larry Jacobson
Supervising Producer Stacie Lipp
Co-Executive Producer Richard Gurman
Executive Producer Katherine Green
Michael G. Moye
Directed by Amanda Bearse
Written by Wayne Kline
Created by Michael G. Moye
Co-Producer Michael Greenspon
Produced by John Maxwell Anderson
Creative Consultant Ralph Farquhar
Story Editor Alison Taylor
Casting Vicki Rosenberg
Music by Jonathan Wolff
Art Director Richard Improta
Assistant Art Director Jim Yarmer
Associate Director Sam W. Orender
Stage Managers Richard Draney
Edited by Larry Harris
Production Associate Kitty Rourke
Production Co-ordinator Carl Studebaker
Technical Director Robert A. Bowen
Director of Photography Thomas W. Markle
Audio J. Mark King
Laura Osborn King
Cameras Vance Brandon
Re-recording Roy Pahlman
Production Staff Rochelle Staten
Bert L. Cook
Costumes Marti M. Squyres
Property Master Michael Semon
Make-up Kathy Rogers
Hair Stylist Dottie McQuown
Dog Trainer Steven Ritt
Copyright 1994 ELP Communications.
Transcribed by Ade Bundy
would you like to contribute a script?
home on the range