NAUGHTY BUT NIECE
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Heather Paige Kent......Cherise
The Bundy living room.
Bud enters with a tall, blonde babe named Breezy.
BUD I'm so glad you're my Physics lab partner, Breezy. Ah sure, I could've gotten an easy A
teaming up with a Korean kid, but uh... I prefer a challenge.
Breezy giggles and strokes Bud's beard. They sit on the couch.
BREEZY Oh Bud. I've watched you everyday in Quantum Mechanics. [takes Bud's hand] I just love
the way you glide your fingers sensuously over your Texas instrument. [they smile] Take
Bud and Breezy start making out.
Bud reaches his hand out...
The scene dissolves. Bud was dreaming. He and Al are sitting on the couch, only Bud is asleep
with his head on Al's shoulder. Bud's hand is groping Al's chest and starts opening his shirt.
Al looks down to Bud. Bud eventually wakes up and looks up at Al.
BUD Another dream, Dad?
AL Another dream, Son.
BUD Why didn't you stop me?
AL There's a game on!
BUD I'm sorry about that, Dad. I just haven't slept much 'cause I'm studying for a
scholarship. The test is tomorrow and if I ace it, I'll get to study at Oxford. You have
heard of Oxford?
AL Heard of it? Hell, I've been selling them for years!
BUD Actually, Dad, Oxford is a university...
AL [looking at the TV] Whoops! Cheerleader routine, Son. [leans forward]
BUD [gathering his books] Okay, fine. But I gotta study. So can you try to keep it down?
Bud sits at the desk. Al watches the TV.
AL Cut to the left! Cut to the left! Now! Go for the end zone!
BUD I thought you were watching cheerleaders?
AL I am. Damn cameraman's shooting their faces.
BUD Dad, remember, the scholarship?
AL Son, remember, your room? Why don't you study upstairs?
BUD Because Kelly's blasting music in her room. Some band she wants to see - Otitis Media.
AL What a stupid name.
BUD Otitis Media?
AL No, "Kelly". Never liked that name. Always wanted to call her "Spike". 'Course, I wanted
a son, never got one, damn wife...
BUD Dad, can you stop seniling around and turn this game off long enough for me to study?
AL Son, this game is important. The Bears are playing the Rams, and if you lose to the Rams
you get thrown out of the league.
BUD [to himself] Why am I fighting? I know where the quietest place in the world is.
Bud is sitting on a chair in the shoe store. He's reading a book. Then, he falls asleep and he
starts to dream again:
A hot babe named Cherise enters the store and stands in front of Bud.
CHERISE Bud, I've come to make love to you. [Bud smiles at her] I want you to rub my tootsies
and then show me something in a size six.
BUD I only carry a nine.
Cherise puts her leg out and Bud starts kissing her foot and calf.
The scenes dissolves back to reality and Bud is really kissing the leg of a model dummy.
BUD [stroking the leg] Ohh, this is so exciting for me, mon cherie.
Griff enters from the stock room, with the other leg.
BUD Now, if you'll allow me to nibble on your love grapes...
Bud is about to nibble on the toes.
GRIFF I found this one in back if you want to make the one you got jealous.
Bud wakes up.
BUD Who are you?
GRIFF Name's Griff. I work here.
BUD That's funny. Dad never told me he hired another guy.
GRIFF And who are you?
BUD Bud. Al Bundy's my father.
GRIFF That's funny. He never told me he had a son.
GRIFF Not living.
BUD Four touchdowns in one game?
GRIFF Oh hell yeah! That's why I told him to go home. I couldn't stand it anymore.
BUD Look, uh, it's not what you think. I've just been studying so hard for this scholarship
that I tend to fall asleep.
GRIFF Well, if you're looking for some peace and quiet, I won't bother you anymore.
Bud smiles and goes back to his studying.
GRIFF Yeah, I'm just here because I don't have any other place to go.
As Bud reads, Griff walks over the adjoining chair and sits.
GRIFF I used to have a place to go. [Bud looks up, slightly annoyed] Then I got divorced. Now
I got two places I don't go. Yep! Divorced. She got the house, the car, the money.... I
got the right to remain silent. But that's fair, I guess. [Bud continues reading]
'Course, what really ticks me off... [Bud looks up, irritated] that even Michael
Jackson's married and I'm not. [looks At Bud] But I'm not bitter. You go on back to your
Bud starts studying again. Griff puts his head in his hand and starts crying.
Bud picks up his things to leave.
Back at the Bundy house, Al is watching the game on TV. Bud enters.
BUD Dad, I've gotta study, alright?
AL Go ahead, who's stopping ya?
The phone rings.
AL Get that, will ya?
Bud reluctantly gets the phone.
AL Why do I suddenly feel I'm in the presence of great evil?
BUD [on phone] Hi, Mom.
Al knows why.
PEGGY [from Wanker County] Hi, Bud. Look, I can't talk long, honey, I just called to give you
a Grandma update. The doctors have told us that she can take those long walks in the
woods again, as long as she wears the orange drop cloth.
Peggy keep talking as Bud listens in despair. A small clock appears on the screen and winds
forward almost an hour as Peggy speaks.
PEGGY Oh yes, and Aunt Sadie is making you the cutest sweater. [giggles] You know, her eye has
stopped leaking now...
Peggy keeps on talking as her voice speeds up until the aforementioned hour has passed.
PEGGY And we're hoping with any luck they'll be able to separate the twins next Friday. So
honey, what's going on there?
BUD Well, actually there's this scholarship...
PEGGY Oops! [she taps the receiver on the phone so it makes a ding sound] Times up. Gotta go.
They hang up.
Kelly comes running down the stairs, listening to a Walkman. She sits next to Al and speaks
KELLY Daddy, guess what I just heard? Otitis Media is in concert right here, and I have to go.
Please? It's only a couple hundred dollars!
AL Kelly, at least have the decency to take the headphones off when I say "no" to ya.
Kelly removes the headphones.
KELLY [still shouting] Please, Dad, I have to go! It's the greatest band in the world!
AL [shouting] Kelly, will be quiet? Your brother's tryna study!
KELLY [yelling to a pissed off Bud] Sorry!
BUD [yelling back] Thank you!
Marcy and Jefferson enter.
MARCY Guess what? We're going to have a new addition to our family.
AL Well, shouldn't you be sitting on it, waiting for it to hatch?
Kelly gets up.
KELLY Mrs. D'Arcy, you're going to have a baby?
JEFFRSN Better. We're going to have a teenager.
KELLY [to Marcy] Then can I strongly recommend that you have a caesarean?
Jefferson leaves Marcy to answer Kelly and sits on the couch with Al.
MARCY No, Kelly. My niece, Amber, is coming from Los Angeles to stay with us for a while.
[walking over to Bud] Bud, you met Amber six years ago when she was thirteen, you
Marcy takes out a photo and shows it to Bud. Bud screams.
MARCY Well, I think she's beautiful.
AL Yeah, but you think Jefferson works.
JEFFRSN I don't know about you, but when I sweat and don't enjoy it, I call it work.
MARCY Anyway, Amber's parents think she's been hanging out with the wrong crowd in L.A.,
getting a little too wild. So, I'm going to teach her traditional, mid-western values.
AL Like what? Wearing print dresses, serving lots of tuna casserole and gettin' fat?
MARCY Exactly. And while she's here you, Al Bundy, are not to offend her in any way. And that
includes going outside with your shirt off... or bending over and showing us that
vertical smile we've come to know and love.
AL You know, if you don't like it, why don't you put Amber on the other side of your house?
MARCY Because our second bedroom is the place for her.
JEFFRSN Uh, excuse me, Marcy, but that's my billiard room.
MARCY Not anymore.
JEFFRSN Even my little solarium where I sit by the window and watch people go to work? [getting
down on his knees] But I've waved to you each morning till you've rounded the corner.
You'd take that joy away from me? What am I gonna do?
MARCY Get a job?
JEFFRSN No, really, what am I gonna do?
MARCY It's Amber's room.
JEFFRSN [upset] Ohh! Oh, this is just great. Now everybody's got a room but me. Kelly's got a
room, Bud's got a room, Al's got a... So now I'm no better off than Al??
Everybody starts arguing loudly at once. Bud stands up.
BUD OKAY, PEOPLE, ENOUGH!!
Everyone shuts up.
BUD I'm gonna put a stop to this right now.
Bud reaches into his pocket.
JEFFRSN [hiding behind Marcy] He's got a gun!!
Bud gives them a look and pulls out his wallet.
BUD Now here's what we're gonna do. This is all the money I have. So Dad, here. [Bud gives
Al money from his wallet] Take some money and go to the Nudie Bar.
AL Game's not over!
TV And the Rams take the field.
AL Okay, it's over. [stands] Thanks, Son.
BUD [giving money to Kelly] Kelly, go get yourself some concert tickets.
KELLY [excitedly] Thank you, Bud! If you weren't my brother, I would...
BUD Yeah, I know. You'd be surrendering your body for an ice cream and a pony ride.
BUD [giving Marcy money] Mrs. D'Arcy, take Amber to the groomers... Uh, I mean, the movies.
Marcy leaves. Bud puts his wallet away. Jefferson lingers around Bud.
JEFFRSN Hey, Bud?
JEFFRSN Can, can I go to the Nudie Bar with Al?
Bud reluctantly takes out some money. Jefferson takes it gingerly and leaves.
Bud settles back at his desk.
BUD Oh, finally! Some quiet. Just you and me now, Buck boy.
BUCK Uh oh. I've seen porno films that start like this.
There is a knock at the door.
BUD [annoyed] What is it?
Amber enters. She is a babe.
AMBER Hi. I'm Marcy's nice, Amber.
BUD You're Amber?
AMBER Yeah. [closes door] I'm hiding from my aunt. Do you mind if I got out of these sticky
clothes and take a shower?
Bud just looks at Amber as he sits on the arm of the couch.
Amber, with her hair up in a towel, sits on the couch and moisturizes her legs. Bud sits next to
her, looking on.
BUD So. Now that you've showered, lotioned up... and eaten a banana in front of me... What
uh, what brings you to Chicago?
AMBER Aunt Marcy sent me first class plane tickets.
BUD Must've been a great trip.
AMBER It was. I cashed them in a hitchhiked. [laughs] But, believe me, hitching across the
country is not as safe as it sounds. I mean, there were some people so freaky, I almost
didn't get in the car with them. For instance, there was this one guy who picked me up
outside El Paso. Not that I mind sharing...
Bud's mind starts to wonder as Amber talks on.
Bud dreams that he and Amber are dancing in a black 'n' white nostalgia setting. Music plays.
Bud is dressed up, Amber is her current clothes. They dance and kiss.
AMBER I guess I should've dressed up.
BUD Hey, it's my fantasy. You'll wear what I want you to wear.
They smile and continue dancing. Breezy and the Cherise dance by. Both girls are wearing
bright red bikinis. Amber gives Bud a look.
BUD Again, my fantasy.
Bud's fantasy ends. He is staring at Amber with his mouth agape.
AMBER [continuing her story] So I said, "There must be something besides my blouse you can use
as an oil rag."
BUD [drooling] Huh?
AMBER [checking her watch] Ooh, look at the time. I gotta go. If Aunt Marcy caught me here,
there's no telling what she would do. But I'm sure it would be boring.
Amber pulls the towel off her head and hands it to Bud.
AMBER See ya.
BUD See ya.
She blows Bud a kiss as she leaves. Al enters just as Amber exits.
AL Cute girl. What happened, wrong house?
BUD Dad, that was Mrs. D'Arcy's niece. That was Amber.
AL Marcy's niece? Must be from the unfeathered side of the family.
BUD [smiling] Dad, uh... you think she and I could ever...
AL [smiling] Not a chance, Son.
BUD Thanks, Dad.
AL Hey, what's a father for? But lookin' on the bright side. Amber's living right next
door, so sooner or later you'll probably get to see her naked. But whatever you do,
don't look at Marcy. I did one time and was clinically dead for an hour and a half.
Bud is sitting up in bed, studying. His eyes close and he falls asleep again.
Amber appears outside Bud's window and goes "psst" twice to get his attention. Bud opens his eyes
and looks under his bed.
BUD Damn leaky rubber woman!
AMBER Bud, it's me, Amber.
Bud walks over to the window.
BUD Amber, what are you doing over here?
AMBER [climbing in] Well, I had to go somewhere. And since Aunt Marcy said "never ever ever"
to come over here... [she jumps in] Here I am!
AMBER [rubbing her neck] Ooh, I hurt my neck climbing over the fence. Could you rub it?
Amber sits on the foot of Bud's bed.
BUD Wi-with my hands?
AMBER Surprise me.
BUD [thinking] Wait a minute. I know what's happening. I'm dreaming again. Yeah, that's it.
As soon as I touch her I'll be in school without my pants on.
AMBER Come on, Bud, rub me. Hurry.
Bud sits down behind her and starts massaging her neck and shoulders.
BUD [thinking] Hey, this is great. Gee, I hope I don't wake up with the whole family staring
at me. Again.
AMBER Ooh, your hands feel so strong. Especially the right one. Do you work out?
BUD Kind of. [thinking] Odd, I don't usually make fun of myself in my dreams. Still, this
can't be real. Oh well, there's only one way to know for sure.
Bud stops massaging Amber's neck.
BUD Amber? [she turns to face him] Wanna have sex?
Bud looks to the camera.
BUD [thinking] Yep, it's a dream alright. But who cares?
Bud takes Amber's hand and pulls her towards him and the start making out.
Bud is lying upside down on his bed, asleep. Amber is not in the room. Bud wakes up.
BUD Oh, wow! My first dream where the girl actually said yes!
Bud takes his pillow and cuddles it, about to go back to sleep again.
Amber comes out of Bud's shower room, brushing her hair.
AMBER Hi, Bud.
Bud's eyes open and he sits up.
AMBER Shh. 3 am. [she sits on the bed in front of Bud] Look, I've gotta go. But I just want
you to know that you're by far the best lover I've ever had. [smiles] It's like you
really know your body.
BUD Yeah, well you can chalk that up to experience. I mean, with women. Not that I lay here
at night and feel myself up. That would be really pathetic and dumb.
The arm of Bud's rubber woman has some air left in it so it moves. Bud tries to kick it back
under his bed. Bud looks a bit sheepish.
AMBER Well, I better get back.
BUD Um, Amber? Can I see you tomorrow?
Amber walks over to Bud and gives him a long, passionate kiss.
AMBER We'll see.
She turns to leave. Just as Amber is about to go down the ladder outside Bud's room, Genghis
appears in the window.
BUD Next window.
Genghis nods and goes down the ladder.
The Bundy living room.
Bud, Al and Kelly are sitting n the couch, reading Bud's report card.
AL I can't believe it. After I went out of my way to be quiet so you could study, you
didn't even get the scholarship. Now you'll be here forever like your mother. Like me!
KELLY Don't forget me, Daddy.
AL Like Spike here.
Amber is seen sneaking in through the back door.
AL You were supposed to be the Bundy that made it.
KELLY Yeah. The Great White Pope.
Al looks at Kelly.
AL Don't help Daddy, Pumpkin.
Amber backs quietly up the stairs and enticingly gestures for Bud to follow her.
AL Why do you think we even had a second child? We knew that nothing was going to happen
here. [gestures to Kelly]
BUD I guess I should be punished then.
AL Yes, you should. But how?
KELLY I say we put him up in a sack and throw him off the Sears Tower.
AL Where the hell am I gonna get a sack?
BUD Dad, whatever you do. Just don't send me to my room. Especially for a whole week. That
would kill me.
Al thinks carefully for a moment.
AL You go to your room! For one week!
BUD You're a cruel but, uh, fair man.
Bud holds out his hand and Al shakes it. Then Bud runs upstairs happily.
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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