Ed O'Neill..................Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.................Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.........Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..............Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley................Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog................Buck
Paul Eisenhauer.............Alderman Johnson
Shannon K. Dunn.............Monique
(Peg is sitting alone on the couch watching TV and eating a big bowl of popcorn.)
TV: Next up on the Home Shopping Network, boyfriends of Cher collector plates.
PEG: Ew. Who'd want to eat off of Gregg Allman.
(Al enters through the front door. His car is still heard running.)
AL: You wouldn't believe what they're doing at the mall now.
PEG: Putting a sign in front of the shoe store that says, "Over two pairs sold"?
AL: That hurts, Peg. Not as much as seeing you first thing in the morning, but that still
hurts. Anyway, they're making us all carpool. Damn this Cleaner Greener Chicago
program. Do you realize that they even want us to conserve water?
PEG: Well, did you tell them about how much water you save on showers?
AL: I did. You know, this conservation crap has gone a little too far. Why did we take this
country from the Indians for in the first place if we're not going to use it? Do you
know the kind of people that are doing this, Peg?
(Marcy enters through the front door wearing a CLEANER GREENER CHICAGO T-shirt. Sound of a motor still running.)
AL: ...People who won't chop down one tree but mow their heads are the kind of people
behind this madness.
MARCY: Al Bundy, why would you let that landfill you call a car running after you come home?
AL: I didn't. It just takes a while to stop. I mean, when you cut a chicken's head off it
still runs around a room. (Motor pops and then dies) There, it's off.
MARCY: Well, it's cars like yours that make carpooling necessary. Which is why I'm glad my
bank is one of the Cleaner Greener sponsors.
AL: Marcy, it is a man's God-given right to drive alone in his car. A man's car is his
PEG: Well, I thought that a man's home is his castle.
AL: It is if he can slay the dragon that's living there. Besides, too many people in one
car spells trouble. I mean what are we supposed to do when someone cuts us off? Are we
all supposed to give him the finger?
MARCY: No, just whichever one of you can get it out of his nose first.
AL: A man's nose is also his castle. In my America, a man's car and his nose is his castle.
MARCY: Well, in my America, there's one giant bus that the whole world gets on to ride to work
together. And on this bus, I greet people from different lands (waving) each in their
own native language.
AL: You're talking about the city bus.
MARCY: Well, I can see that this is certainly falling on a pair of deaf and furry ears.
AL: This carpool outrage will not go unchallenged. You want to get something cleaner and
greener? Wash my underwear.
AL: Hey, wait a second, that was a shot at me.
PEG: Well, if it makes you feel any better, it can be from me.
AL: Peg, whatever happened to the time when a man could burn a tank of gas backing out of
his own driveway? When a man could take a hooker to a steakhouse and no one would blink
an eye. Peg, why can't we go back to simpler times?
PEG: Al, look at this place. Any simpler and we'd be Bushmen.
AL: You know who I really feel for, don't you? The kids. I mean, what's the point of being
young when you can't get into a big old car with a really dumb girl?
(Bud enters through front door.)
BUD: Dad, I got straight A's and made the Dean's List.
AL: Son, I wish you could have been alive back when I was. 'Course I probably wouldn't have
let you hang out with me but. Back in the time when a man could be a man and a car
could be a car. When we had one hand on the wheel, and one hand on the girl, and one
hand on the stick. That's what I liked about the old days. We... had more hands.
BUD: Uh-huh. Mom, I made the Dean's List.
PEG: Oh, and I'm very proud of you. Now tell me, honey, who is this Dean? Is he a nice boy?
(Kelly enters through front door.)
KELLY: Mom, Dad, I am getting a raise at the extermination company. (Peg and Al cheer.) And I
was also voted employee of the month so Pest Boys is gonna hold this big award ceremony
for me in a few weeks. Oh, I gotta go tell my friend. They might even put my name on
the golden flyswatter. (Kelly runs upstairs.)
PEG: Oh, Al. Our little girl is all grown up.
AL: Kinda puts this Dean's thing in perspective, doesn't it?
BUD: Kinda puts my genetic make-up in perspective.
AL: Listen to that, Peg. Now he's using make-up.
PEG: First this Dean thing and now this. (Peg starts to cry.)
AL: Now look what you've done. You get out of here. You've upset your mother.
(Bud goes upstairs. The doorbell rings.)
AL: Don't answer it, Peg. That's the representative of the mall. They're coming over here
to tell me who I have to carpool with. Far as I'm concerned, they can sit out there and
PEG: Come in!
AL: Or they can rot in here with me.
(Naomi enters, played by guest star March 1991 Penthouse centerfold Sandra Korn.)
NAOMI: Hi. Are you Al Bundy?
AL: (getting up eagerly) Why yes I am.
AL: Oh and that's my, uh, my-my housekeeper Consuela. Oh, Consuela, upstairs-o.
PEG: I'm his wife.
AL: It's a marriage of convenience, unfortunately, not mine. I'm deporting her. Um, can I
get you a drink or a-a condominium?
NAOMI: No thanks, Mr. Bundy. My name is Naomi and I'm with Victoria's Secret.
AL: Oh, I love your work.
NAOMI: I know. I've seen your face prints on the window. The mall sent me over here to ask you
if you would join us in our carpool.
AL: I'm in. Har-har. Let's go. Adios, Consuela.
NAOMI: Actually, I'm not driving, but several of our models do live in the area.
AL: They do? Oh, Consuela. We live model adjacent!
PEG: Oh, blot your chin. And your pants.
AL: So uh, when do my models come to get me?
NAOMI: Seven AM.
AL: Oh that's good because I don't have to be there til 10 which gives me a lot of time for
coffee, cartwheels, and a cold shower.
PEG: He's just kidding about the shower.
NAOMI: Here are your models' names.
AL: Why thank you.
(Naomi leaves through front door.)
AL: Alexis, Monique, and Paulina. Oh my! Alexis, Monique, and Paulina, oh my! Alexis,
Monique, and Paulina, oh my! (Al dances his way upstairs.)
(Cut to car interior. Al is sandwiched between plus-size models Monique and Alexis in the back
seat while the models scarf down sodas and fried chicken. Paulina is driving.)
AL: Alexis, Monique, and Paulina, oh my! They tell me you girls are models for uh,
PAULINA: Oh we are.
ALEXIS: We're Victoria's Big Secret.
AL: Victoria couldn't keep a secret this big.
MONIQUE: It's a new line of lingerie for the full-figured woman. Cause you know what they say.
You're never too big to be sexy.
AL: Oh do you know who says that? Fat girls.
ALEXIS: So do you always go to work wearing a suit and smelling of Hai Karate?
AL: No. Do you always go to work wearing curtains and smelling of Mars Bars?
MONIQUE: Sounds to me like you're full of self-hate, Mr. Bundy.
AL: Well, at least I'm full. Would you mind turning on the radio. I feel a crying jag
PAULINA: Say please.
AL: There's a Chunky in it for you.
(Paulina turns on radio.)
MONIQUE: Oooh, I love this song. It reminds me of that summer in Hawaii with Tony. Gawd,
what a lover! Oh man, he could do it all night long.
ALEXIS: Did I ever tell you about that time me and Jean-Claude joined the Mile High Club? I was
wearing this frilly little skirt and not much underneath. Well...
AL: Pull over!
AL: Pull over. I've got to heave.
ALEXIS: Shut up or I'll pound you like a scallopini. We're almost there.
(Flashing lights and sirens emanate from rear of car.)
MONIQUE: Uh oh, the police. What did we do?
AL: Well, I don't know, maybe me missed a truck scale. But on the positive side, maybe
they'll get me out of here before I turn into a diamond.
(Cut to outside the car shot with Al, Paulina, Monique, and Alexis walking toward a police car.)
PAULINA: What seems to be the problem, officers?
JOHNSON: Hi, I'm Alderman Johnson. Would you four be carpooling?
AL: No, I'm their lunch. What's up?
JOHNSON: Uh well, we were following you, and uh, laughing and pointing, and as it turns out,
despite our best efforts, you're the only people carpooling in all of Chicago.
AL: We're also the only people eating Snickerdoodles by the gallon.
JOHNSON: Well, we'd like you and your friends to represent the city in its new media campaign
"Everybody Into The Carpool".
AL: Forget it. You've got the wrong guy.
JOHNSON: Uh well. That's too bad because your first promotional appearance would have been
courtside at the Chicago Bulls playoff game.
(Al and models pose for a photograph.)
AL: Say cheesecake!
(Peg, Kelly, and Bud are watching TV in the living room.)
PEG: Oh, here comes your daddy.
(Cut to TV frame. Al jukes imaginary defenders on a trash-littered field.)
AL: Hi, I'm Al Bundy. Many of you know me as (quarterback pose) Al Bundy. There was a time
I scored four touchdowns in one game on this field. But now I can't run four feet
without being tackled by someone else's garbage. Be a part of my team.
(Alexis, Monique, and Paulina whoop and run onto field dressed as cheerleaders.)
A/M/P: Two, four, six, eight. Pick up litter. Clean your plate. Yay. Keep Chicago clean!
(Paulina does splits but regrets it and beckons for the other two to lift her up.)
AL: Score a touchdown for Mother Earth. Let's help keep Chicago green and clean. (Al turns
to camera with a fake tear on his right cheek just like the Keep America Beautiful
Crying Indian Commercial.) Please.
('Keep Chicago Beautiful' appears on screen, soon followed by, '...make checks payable to "CASH"'.)
PEG: What a load.
BUD: Mom, isn't Dad being just a tad hypocritical? I mean that was the first time I've even
seen him walk the field without taking a whiz.
KELLY: Yeah, ever since he's been on billboards and the sides of buses, he has been an
insufferable pig. Whoa, that was a big word.
BUD: There are no big words, just little heads.
PEG: Now kids. Maybe we should give your father the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he's learned
something. Maybe he really does care about the environment.
(Al enters through front door, wearing a suit and sunglasses, singing "I'm in the money" and
eating a bag of chips. He throws the empty bag out the front door.)
AL: Did I tell you about the cutest thing Paulina did at the mayor's office today?
BUD: Uh, we don't want to hear about your fat friends.
AL: They're not fat. They just eat way, way too much. You know, I don't get it. Everyone in
this town loves what I'm doing but you guys...
(Marcy barges in the front door.)
MARCY: You swine!
AL: ...and our next door McNugget.
MARCY: Do you realize that you have cost me my job at the bank again? They have demoted me to
drive-up teller again.
PEG: What happened?
MARCY: Al called the bank president and asked, "How could you call yourself environmentally
correct and yet have an employee who would disconnect the smog device on her car? I'll
have you know that I religiously get my car tuned up and I will expose you for the liar
that you are! (Jefferson saunters guiltily into the open front door.) I will prove
myself innocent of these false allegations! My car is no gas guzzler and is clea as a...
JEFRSN: Marcy? I disconnected your smog device.
MARCY: Did you? If I may I be so patient as to ask why?
JEFRSN: (shrugs) I'm a guy.
MARCY: Well, just come with me and we can disconnect that too.
(Marcy goes out the front door.)
JEFRSN: Al, I told you that in the strictest confidence. What are you doing?
(Marcy comes back in and grabs Jefferson by the shoulder.)
JEFRSN: Marcy, the smog device can be put back on if you just give me your credit card. Please?
(Marcy pulls Jefferson out the front door.)
AL: Man, I love this gig. I never realized how much power I've got.
BUD: Yeah but Dad, if you don't really believe in this ecology stuff, doesn't that make you
a lying bag of sleaze?
AL: Yes, son, but a RICH, lying bag of sleaze. You see, we celebrities don't really believe
the stuff we're paid to say.
KELLY: Well then why do you do it?
AL: To make money and get out of the house. That is the American dream and by God, I'm
living it. I'm so happy, I could almost cry. In fact, I am crying. (Al points to the
fake tear on his right cheek.) Ha-ha-ha-ha.
(Al is standing in a driveway next to a car, apparently taping a commercial.)
AL: My friends and I are doing the right thing. Why? Because we're carpooling. (Al opens
the rear door of the car and gets in.) Morning ladies.
ALEXIS, MONIQUE, PAULINA: Morning, Al.
AL: When I'm off to work, I'm not selfish because I drive to work with my - ugh
(Al squeezes into the back seat between Paulina and Alexis.) - my friends.
MONIQUE: How about some doughnut holes, Al?
AL: Thank you, Monique. (Al barely tastes the doughnut hole before Monique grabs it back.)
MONIQUE: That's enough.
AL: As you can see, when you have a lot riding on your tires, you help not only the
environment, but you make friends. And after a leisurely breakfast of doughnut holes
and sorghum, you can sit back and enjoy the ride. (Al and the three women each slide
their hands into their waistbands.) Mother Nature says, "Hey!"
(Cut back to living room.)
PEG: Father Time says, "Yikes!"
AL: Don't worry, Peg. You'll have your moment in the sun when they start couch-pooling.
Now, the girls are coming over to discuss next week's itinerary. Remember, no fat
BUD: But they're-they're fat.
AL: They're not fat. They just have cream filling. (Doorbell rings.) Come in ladies!
(Alexis, Monique, and Paulina enter through front door with raucous giggling and squealing.)
ALEXIS: Got any munchies?
AL: Right over there.
(Alexis and Monique start to eat whip cream pies on the bar.)
ALEXIS and MONIQUE: Mm-mm!
PAULINA: I'll get some milk. (Paulina gets a milk carton out of the refrigerator and sets it in
front of Alexis.) Here.
(Alexis picks up milk carton and inspects a picture of a missing child which happens to be
Seven from season seven.)
PAULINA: Al, wait'll you hear this.
ALEXIS: We've been invited to Los Angeles. We're going to be on Vicki!
PAULINA: And do guest voices on "Captain Planet." Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
MONIQUE: I haven't been this happy since...
BUD: ...you installed seats in your refrigerator?
AL: Uh, allow me to introduce my family. This is my wife, Peggy. This is my son, Sheckie.
(Al pulls Bud's hair.)
ALEXIS: Oh, Al, we're going to L.A. Just think of the things to see. Wendy's, Winchell's, Der
PAULINA: Ha-ha! It's so exciting! Ha-ha-ha!
(The doorbell rings and Al opens the door for Alderman Johnson.)
JOHNSON: Ah, Congratulations Mr. Bundy. You and your gals have practically put Chicago on the
PEG: Hey, Chicago was already on the map.
JOHNSON: (To Peg) Do you vote?
JOHNSON: Then I wasn't talking to you. (To Al) Now, before you go to L.A. we'd like you to kick
off our new campaign by making a speech in front of the most toxic plant in Chicago.
We want you to tell the world that our program is going nationwide, that polluters
like this may soon no longer exist. Huh? What do you say?
ALEXIS: Will there be shrimp?
JOHNSON: There will.
PAULINA: We're there. Ha-ha-ha!
(The gals play Ring Around the Rosie around Al. Kelly enters front door.)
AL: In here, Pumpkin. Tomorrow I'm giving a speech and what with you getting Employee of
the Month and Bud on the Queen's List...
BUD: That's Dean's List. (Bud is fitting the refrigerator with a Club anti-theft device.)
AL: Yeah, like there's a difference. It's gonna be a banner day for the Bundys.
KELLY: That's just it, Dad. I may not be Employee of the Month. See, tomorrow a certain
environmental group is gonna be speaking in front of the extermination company. And
when they find out that a certain spokesman is related to a certain Verminator, I'm
going to lose my job.
AL: Oh no. I'm speaking at a horrible toxic waste plant.
KELLY: The hell do you think we are? I mean, until last week that's how we advertised.
AL: But, Pumpkin!
PALINA: Pumpkin? Pie? Where?
(Monique and Paulina rush to the refrigerator. Monique casts aside Bud while Paulina breaks the
PEG: Al, you know what you have to do.
(Al takes out his fake tear, sticks it on his cheek, and frowns.)
(Al and Kelly are walking in a park.)
KELLY: (Sigh) You are the greatest daddy in the whole world. You gave up all your dreams for
AL: Well I lo-lo...
KELLY: Love me?
AL: No, pumpkin, I was gonna say I lost my mind. So I don't get my fifteen minutes of fame.
That just means Pauly Shore gets a half hour.
KELLY: He is funny, isn't he?
AL: Ha-ha-ha. No. But Pumpkin, my job as a parent is not to be famous. It's just to do the
best that I can so that my children can have the things I never did. The world I leave
behind. That is my legacy to you.
(Camera switches to wide shot showing the littered park with a guy in silver Hazmat suit
rooting through a barrel garbage can. A drunk sits against a rock and totters his head. Al
leans down to a drinking fountain, but recoils upon seeing its rust-colored water.)
AL: (to Kelly) You first, Sweetheart.
Directed by Sam Orender
Written by Nancy Neufeld
Created by Micheal G. Moye and Ron Leavitt
Associate Producer Michael Greenspon
Produced by John Maxwell Anderson
Creative Consultant David Castro
Story Editor Nancy Neufeld
Casting Vicki Rosenberg and Gregory Orson
"Love and Marriage" Music and Lyrics by Sammy Cahn and Jimmy Van Heusen
Performed by Frank Sinatra
Music by Jonathan Wolff
Art Director Richard Improta
Assistant Art Director Jim Yarmer
Associate Director Bob Priest
Stage Managers Richard Draney and Stephanie Scott
Edited by Larry Harris
Production Associate Kitty Rourke
Technical Director Robert A. Bowen
Director of Photography Thomas W. Markle
Audio J. Mark King, Laura Osborn, Scott Glickman, Alan Zema
Cameras Mike Culp, Jim Lunsford, Bettina Mylenek, Dennis Turner
Re-Recording Roy Pahlman and John Bickelhaupt
Production Staff Rochelle Staten, Carl Studebaker, Fran Kaufer, Helen Pai, Garry Bowren,
Don Beck, Bert L. Cook, Carson Smith
Costumes Marti M. Squyres
Property Master Michael Semon
Make-up Kathy Rogers
Hair Stylist Dottie McQuown
Dog Trainer Steven Ritt
Copyright (c) 1994 by ELP Communications
Transcribed by Ernest Hong
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