0824 (181)


Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..................Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.................Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.........Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..............Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley................Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the dog................Buck

Guest Cast:

Cheech Marin................Voice of Buck
Jean Speegle Howard.........Old Lady
Jan Hoag....................Checker #1
Brian Reddy.................Checker #2
Biff Yeager.................Man
Gary Simpson................Paramedic
Cynthia Frost...............Customer #1
Craig Benton................Customer #2



 Al comes down the stairs, picks up the phone and dials.

AL     [on the phone] Hello Jefferson, are you busy? [listens] You're having sex with
       Marcy. What, is she holding a gun? [listens] Okay, I'll wait. [He waits for a
       while] Let's go, let's go! Now look, it's my day off, and the Brute Channel is going
       to show "Hondo"; John Wayne's greatest movie of all time. Now, I know Peg wants me
       to fix the basement steps, so I need a favor. I want you to come over and hide in
       the bushes, then I'm going to open the door and say "My, the clouds are looking
       fluffy today." That's your cue to come rushing in, say you're having an appendicitis
       attack and need me to rush you to the hospital. Then we'll go to your house and
       watch "Hondo". Tee hee! [listens] What do you mean "faster, faster"? I'm talking as
       fast as I...  hello??

 Al hangs up the phone with disgust and sits on the couch.

AL     Ew, sex in the morning! Ew, sex with Marcy! EW, sex in the morning with Marcy!!

 Peg comes in from the garage holding a jar containing a red note and a white

PEGGY  Hi, Honey.

 Peggy sits next to Al on the couch.

PEGGY  It's time to get some chores done. Now, to be fair, we'll both pick from the job 
       jar. I'll pick the red one.

AL     That's where I went wrong...

 Peggy takes out the red note and reads it.

PEGGY  "Continue sitting on couch." [laughs] Ooh, lucky. All right Al, your turn. 
        [shakes the jar] Gee, I wonder what it'll be.

 Peggy gives the jar to Al. He reluctantly takes out the remaining note.

AL     "Fix basement step."

PEGGY  Mmm, tough break, honey.

AL     Well, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. [gets up] Excuse me, Peg, [goes over
       to the front door] I'm just gonna get a little fresh air first. [opens the door and
       looks up] "My, the clouds are looking fluffy today." [a thunder and lightning storm
       starts. Al looks at Peg, who smiles at him expectantly. Al turns and looks outside
       again] Ahem. "My, the clouds are looking fluffy today." [thunder crashes again and it
       starts to pour with rain. Al glances at Peg, who is still smiling expectantly. Al
       looks outside again and shouts] I - I said, "MY, THE CLOUDS ARE LOOKING FLUFFY 
       TODAY", you ear-less moron!!

 Jefferson runs past Al to get out of the rain. He is soaking wet, due to the
 and his trousers are around his ankles.

JEFRSN [shouting] Al, Al! [pulls up his pants] It's an emergency! I need you to, uh... 
       uh... What?

AL     Rush you to the hospital? 

 Al glances at Peg again.

JEFRSN Uh, yes, yes, I'm in great pain.

PEGGY  What's wrong, Jefferson?


AL     Oh, he has an appendicitis, Peg, see?

 Al elbows Jefferson, who grunts and doubles up in pain.

JEFRSN [painfully] Thank God it's not a groin pull.

 Al pats Jefferson on his back.
 A paramedic comes to the door.

MEDIC  Hey, I'm a paramedic. I heard you yelling. Good thing I was parked on the street
       avoiding my supervisor. [looks down at Jefferson] Come on, we'll have that appendix
       out in no time.

 The paramedic starts to lead Jefferson outside.

JEFRSN Well, no, no, you see, we were, see I was helping Al, tell him I was...

 Al shuts the door.

PEGGY  Well, honey, now you can fix the basement step.

AL     Peg, Hondo is coming on at 3:30.

 Peggy looks at Al blankly.

AL     "Hondo", Peg... John Wayne's best movie... it only comes on once every 17 years! 
        Oh Peg, please let me watch "Hondo".

 Al sits next to Peggy on the couch.

PEGGY  Oh now, Al. It's only 9:30. You can fix the steps and watch your stupid "Hondo".

AL     All right, I'll fix the step. Where are my tools?

PEGGY  Well, in the tool chest.

 Al gets up, lifts the cushion that he was sitting on, and takes out a screwdriver.
Al then heads towards the basement.

PEGGY  You know, there's something else that needs fixing down there.

 Al goes into the basement and closes the door.
 We hear him falling down the stairs, screaming.

AL     [shouting from the basement] Light bulb out?

PEGGY  Yeah, that's it!

AL     Can you get me the flashlight, Peg?

PEGGY  Al, how am I supposed to do my job and yours? I tell ya, now I know how Hillary feels.

 Peggy gets the flashlight from under the cushion and holds it up for Al to
come and 
 collect it.

PEGGY  [shouting] All right, Al, I've got it. Now what?

AL     [angrily] Well, you can shove it up - 

 Al emerges from the basement.

AL     Never mind.

PEGGY  Come on, hurry Al. This flashlight weighs a ton.

 Al snatches the flashlight from Peggy.

AL     That's not the flashlight.

 Al starts to go back into the basement and stops.

AL     Wait now Peg, it doesn't work. Peg, do me a favour. [Al grabs Peggy's coat, which is
       draped over a chair, and throws it at her] Go to the store and get me some 
       D batteries.

 Peggy gets up.

PEGGY  Well, what are you gonna do?

AL     Don't worry, Peg, I'm not gonna be having a good time. I'll just see what I can in the

PEGGY  Uh, like during sex?

AL     No, Peg, I can't fake fixing a step.

 Peg gives him a look and leaves.
 Al tries to work the flashlight again, standing in the open basement door. 
 Bud enters through the back door, shuts the basement door, and in doing so, pushes Al down
 the stairs. Bud stands behind the couch.

BUD    [shouting up the stairs] Hey, Kel, Have we got any D batteries?

KELLY  [shouting from upstairs] Yeah, I think there's some in the tool chest.

 Bud walks to the front of the couch and lifts the cushion. He takes out the
batteries and 
 a wrinkled paper. Kelly comes down the stairs and walks over to him. 

KELLY  Did you find it?

BUD    Yeah.

 Bud unfolds the paper and reads it.

BUD    Kel, check this out. [shows her the paper] It's Buck's birth certificate

KELLY  Wow. According to this, he was born ten years ago. God, that would make him... 
       ten years old.

 Buck is sitting on the chair next to the couch.

BUCK   Mmph. And they wanted to neuter me.

KELLY  Hey, I've got an idea.

BUCK   Oh, please don't say, "let's do something nice for him."

KELLY  Let's do something nice for him.

BUD    What can we do, though?

BUCK   Food would be nice...

KELLY  I know: Let's take him out for some exercise.

BUCK   Oh, good! The very thing you need food for!

BUD    Maybe we can take him to the park, where all the dogs play together.

KELLY  Yeah.

BUCK   You mean, where the Rottweilers hunt?

 Bud and Kelly start to lead him outside.

KELLY  Come on boy, we're going to have the time of your life.

BUCK   But I hate Rottweilers. Hey, can't I play with the drug-sniffing dogs? You know,
       they're so laid back.



 Al is sitting on the couch holding an ice-pack to his head.
 Peggy comes in through the front door.

PEGGY  Okay Al, I got your batteries.

 Al gets up and takes the batteries from her.

AL     Peg, these are A's. I needed D's.

PEGGY  A's, D's... What's the difference?

AL     They're too small!

PEGGY  Then use a lot of them!

AL     Better yet, I'll exchange them [picks up his jacket] for bullets!

PEGGY  Well, I'm going with you.

AL     No, Peg, if you go, you'll wanna shop. I'm just gonna run in, get the new batteries 
       and go out.

PEGGY  Look Al, I was just at that store. There is absolutely nothing I want there. Now 
       let's go.

AL     But Peg, "Hondo" is coming on!

 Peggy pushes Al outside and closes the door behind them.



 The Sav.Som Discount Store.
 Peg pushes an overflowing shopping cart towards Al, who is standing in line to pay. 
 Al looks down at Peggy's shopping cart.

AL     Peg, do we really need Christmas icicles? It's May.

PEGGY  Well, you'll thank me in December.

AL     Only if you leave me in November.

 Peggy notices a display near the checkout desk.

PEGGY  Oh, look Al, they're doing a "Full House" in 3D.

 Peggy picks up a pair of 3D glasses and puts them on.

AL     Is the third dimension the funny one?

PEGGY  Gee, I don't know. But these glasses are annoying.

AL     [shrugs] Well, at least you look stupid.

 Peggy gives Al a look and takes the glasses off.

PEGGY  I'm bored. I'm gonna go get some ice-cream and wait in the car. Don't put back those

 Peggy goes outside.

AL     I won't!

 Al shoves the shopping cart, without looking, down the aisle and it smashes into something.
 Al notices a shorter line and rushes over to it.
 An old lady walks up to Al and taps him on his shoulder.

O'LADY Excuse me, uh, my 26 cats are waiting for these three cans of liver-feast. [holds up
       a small shopping basket containing the 3 cans] Do you mind if I cut in?

AL     [smiling] Well, age before beauty.

O'LADY [sweetly] Thank you, Beauty.

AL     [dejectedly] You're welcome, Age.

 The old lady walks back to the shopping isle and retrieves 4 fully loaded shopping carts.
 Al looks on in disbelief.

AL     Hey, uh, hey, lady, you know, "Hondo" is coming on pretty soon. You know, it's a 
       story about the Wild West. You remember the Wild West, don't you?

O'LADY [shouting] Aren't you that mean shoe salesman at the mall!?

AL     Uh... no. You must have me mistaken for someone else.

 An announcement is heard in the store.

ANOUCE "Check-stand 2 is now open."

 Al sees an opportunity for revenge.

AL     Ha! Yes, I am that shoe salesman! And I don't need your stinking place in line! 
       Eat shoe and die!

 Al laughs and the old lady gasps with shock.
 Al walks to the new line, but two other people get there in front of him. He
stomps his 
feet impatiently.

AL     Gotta see "Hondo", gotta see "Hondo". [to the person in front of him] Sir, would 
       you let me in front of you please?

 The person turns around and we see it's Marcy. She gives him a long look.

MARCY  Don't call me "sir", you cliff-dweller. It's bad enough you ruined my morning.

AL     Oh yeah, well, you think hearing you scream "Ride me like a show horse" did me any
       good? Look, let me go in front of you and I'll be out of what's left of your hair.

MARCY  Just relax. This is what it's like to be part of civilisation.

 The camera moves to the man at the front of the line.

MAN    Wait, I have a coupon.

MARCY  [shouting furiously] UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE! There's always one!! 

MAN    Don't, don't worry, I'm paying cash.

AL     Thank God.

 The man takes out a jar full of coins.

MAN    My wife and I put a penny in it every time we make love. [smiles] We're

AL     Good. On Easter I'll dip you both in chocolate and break your heads off.



 A man with a very long grey beard is in front of Marcy at the check-out.
 He hands some money to the checker.

CHEKR1 [looking at the money] Gee, we don't, uh, see that much Confederate money around 
       here anymore.

 Al rolls his eyes impatiently, and Marcy becomes angry.

MARCY  What happened to just paying and leaving? People just have too many options!

CHEKR1 Next!

 Marcy pushes her item forward.

MARCY  [to checker] This vaporiser is 39.99 here, but I found it somewhere else for 39.98,
       and you say you'll beat any...

 Al cries out in frustration and goes back to the previous line.
 The checker has just finished totalling the old lady's bill.

CHEKR2 [to the old lady] That'll be $753.84.

 The old lady pulls up a cart with two very large jars filled with coins.

O'LADY Every time my husband and I make love...

 Al is frustrated.



 Marcy leaves the store with her purchase. It's finally Al's turn.

AL     [to checker] My wife bought the wrong batteries, and since I can't exchange her, 
       I'd like to exchange [holds up the old batteries] these for [holds up the new
       batteries] these.

 Al gives the checker the batteries and the checker tries to scan their barcode.

AL     You know, in my days, you'd just push them buttons a little bit, the register went
       "ching ching" and the drawer popped out.

CHEKR2 That's a fascinating story, Sir, but these days we have computers, and they make 
       things a lot easier and quicker.

 The lights flicker for a moment and the checker's scanner stops working.

CHEKR2 Computer's down. Sorry sir, you'll have to wait.



 Al is shouting at the checker.

AL     I can't wait for the computer to come on. I gotta get home for "Hondo". Just add it up.

CHEKR2 I can't do that.

AL     You can't add??? Good career choice!

CHEKR2 I don't have to take this! If I knew how, I would call security.

AL     Well, don't learn a new skill on my account. Just keep the stinking batteries. I'm
       taking my business elsewhere!

 Al starts to walk outside and crashes into the closed door. He bangs on the
door with 
 his fists angrily.

AL     [to checker] Open these doors!

CHEKR2 Can't - the computer controls them too.

 A woman walks over to the checker.

CHEKR2 And you just lost your place in line.



 The Bundy living room.
 Bud and Kelly enter through the front door.

KELLY  Well, that was fun. It's good to get out and watch Buck run.

BUD    Yeah. He must've had a great time.

 Buck comes in, panting heavily.

BUCK   Call 911! K-911!

KELLY  Well, now what do you wanna do with him?

BUD    Hmmm...

KELLY  Hey, I know! Let's play...

BUCK   Anything but frisbee!

KELLY  Frisbee.

 Buck shakes his head.

BUCK   Nooo! Not the disc of death!

BUD    Ohh, look at his eyes light up.

 Bud starts stroking Buck.

BUCK   [laughs bitterly] I'd tear out both your hearts if my teeth weren't in a glass in 
       my doghouse.

KELLY  Come on, boy.

 They head towards the backyard.



 The Sav.Som Discount store.
 Some of the shoppers have pulled up chairs and gathered round in a circle.

CUSTM1 You know, in these stressful times, it's nice to have a quiet moment to get to know
       each other.

AL     [banging on the door] I want out! It's 90 minutes to "Hondo"!

 He sees Peg on the other side of the store window.

PEGGY  Al, are you gonna be long? "Hondo" is on in 90 minutes.

AL     [shouting but muffled by the glass door] I know, Peg, the doors won't open!

PEGGY  I know the stores are open. That's where I got this lovely dress. 

 Peggy shows Al the dress.

AL     [shouting] No more! No more!

PEGGY  What's that? "Buy more, buy more"?

AL     [shouting] Don't buy anything!

PEGGY  "Buy a dinner ring"? You know, I hadn't thought about jewellery before, but I guess

AL     [shouting] No! Don't buy!


 Peggy laughs and walks away.

AL     [to the checker] My wife is out there unsupervised with credit cards! Where's your
       computer expert?

CHEKR2 Out there. [points outside] He can't get in.

 Al turns around and sees a small boy in a suit holding a suitcase standing outside. 
 The  boy waves at Al, then Al looks back at the checker with despair.



 The Bundy backyard.
 Kelly is standing next to Buck and Bud is standing a few feet away from them, holding a

BUD    Okay Buck, here it comes, boy. Catch it!

 Bud throws the frisbee towards Buck, but Buck ignores it as it flies past him.

KELLY  Why didn't you jump?

 Kelly goes to get the frisbee.

BUCK   I did!

BUD    You know, Kel, I think the problem is Buck's getting too old to jump.

 They crouch beside Buck and stroke him.

KELLY  I know... I know, you throw it to him, and I'll lift him.

 Bud takes the frisbee from her and goes back to where he was standing.

BUCK   Hmm. This will be good.

 Kelly puts her arms around Buck's belly and gets ready to lift him.

BUD    Okay Buck. Here it comes, boy.

 Bud throws the frisbee.
 We hear a thump and Bud cringes. Then we see Kelly lying on her back with the frisbee 
 in her mouth and Buck sitting beside her. Bud kneels beside Kelly and holds her hand.

BUD    Kelly, Kelly, speak to me!

 Bud takes the frisbee out of Kelly's mouth.

KELLY  [weakly] Come closer.

BUD    [kneeling closer] Hmm? What, what is it?

 Kelly grabs Bud's throat and they start to fight.
 Buck watches Bud and Kelly fighting.

BUCK   Oh, come on, she's never gonna get that frisbee to fit there.

 Bud screams.

BUCK   Well, I'll be damned.



 The Sav.Som Discount Store.
 The customers are sitting down, watching Al hitting the door with a baseball bat.
 Passers-by laugh at Al trying to break the door down.

CUSTM1 [to the other customers] Someone hasn't been eating their fibre!

 Peg waves at Al as she goes by with an entire rack of clothes.
 Al swings the bat at the window, aiming at Peg, as she passes.

CUSTM2 [to Al] Hey, come on, fella. Put the bat down. Come sit around the ol' bochi, swap 
       some stories, huh?

AL     You want a story? [pointing with the baseball bat] I got a story for you; about a
       little place I like to call America. Before scanners and barcodes and computers, 
       and wives...

 Black and White Story Sequence:

 It takes place in an old-western store, and Western music is heard.
 Peg is sitting in a rocking chair, knitting and eating bonbons.
 Bud is serving behind the counter.
 Everybody is both dressed in old-west-style clothes and throughout the sequence they 
 speak with a western accent.
 Kelly, as a western girl, enters and walks up to the counter.

BUD    Can I 'elp ya? Pretty but fallen lady?

KELLY  I 'ope so. They want me to do the Can-Can down at the saloon, so I guess I'm gonna 
       need some cans.

BUD    You've got yourself some fancy book-learnin', ain't ya?

 A handsome, Westernish, well-dressed Jefferson enters.

JEFRSN Hi there, my honest young merchant friend. I need a few things. I need a deck of
       marked cards, some loaded dice and some genuine cow-hide condoms. Although, in these
       simpler times we don't need 'em, but 'eck, they feel so good, we don't need the woman

 Jefferson laughs.

PEGGY  Hey! Not in front of the boy, Mr D'Arcy, you'll put ideas in his 'ead.

 Peggy takes a big bite out of her bonbon.

KELLY  Yeah, next thing you know, he'll be out behind the barn with his wooden woman. 
       [to Bud] Hey, order me up a couple of jugs, too?
 Jefferson and Kelly, arm in arm, leave.
 Peggy is staring into a wooden box on the floor.
 Bud walks over to Peggy.

BUD    Ma, now you know you scare the customers when you stare into that box like that.

PEGGY  Yeah, I know. I just get this feeling that one day there's gonna be people small
       enough to fit in there.

 The Evil Bank President (Marcy) comes in holding a box. She's dressed in a suit and wearing
 a black derby hat, and has a moustache. She twirls her moustache.

MARCY  Afternoon, barefoot bumpkins.

BUD    Afternoon, Miss Evil Bank President.

MARCY  It has come to my attention that these simple times are going far too easy for 
       you folks. Let's see if that changes when you have to use this.

 Marcy places the box on the counter.

BUD    What in tarnation is that?

 Marcy opens the box.

MARCY  It's a computer! And we're gonna make you use them whether you like it or not!

 Marcy laughs fiendishly, twirling her moustache.
 Al appears at the door, dressed as a cowboy.

AL     Now, hold on a second, Pilgrim.

 Al, John Wayne style, walks inside.

AL     [points at that computer] What is that gizmo?

MARCY  That's not a gizmo, it's a computer!

 Al takes a step backwards and reaches for his guns. Marcy runs out of Al's firing line.
 Al pulls out his guns and fires six shots at the computer, shattering its screen. 
 He then blows on the barrels of his guns and replaces them.

AL     Now it's a gizmo. Now you take your prairie chicken hide and cluck on outta here.

MARCY  Well, I'll be back, and next time I'm bringing muzak.

 Marcy twirls her moustache and runs outside, cackling.

BUD    Thanks, Bundo.

PEGGY  Oh, Bundo, you are just the kind of man we need in these sweet and innocent times. 
       Now, if there's anything I can do for you...

AL     Well, there is one thing...

 Peggy throws her knitting on the floor and starts to unbutton her dress.

PEGGY  [to Bud] Get the powder, boy.

 Bud leaves to fetch the powder.

AL     Uh [chuckles] not that. No, I'm looking for a copy of that new girlie magazine, 
       "Bare Ankle". I hear they're coming out with a new 3D issue.

 Al picks up an old fashioned 3D viewing device and looks into it.
 End of Story Sequence.

 Back at the Sav.Som Discount Store, everyone has fallen asleep while listening to Al's yarn.

AL     Now, I say, we should do what John Wayne would have done. Let's show these machines
       [gestures with the bat towards the computers] who's running things. I say we kick 
       some computer butt!

 Al picks up a computerised cash register, lifts it above his head and staggers towards 
 the door.

AL     [shouting] For "Hondo"!

 Al hurls the computer at the door. It bounces back and hits him on his head.
 Al stumbles and falls, unconscious, to the floor.



 Al is sitting on the couch holding an ice-pack to his head.
 Peg is sitting next to him reading a magazine.

AL     [dazed] Oh, my head.

 Al suddenly snaps out of it and looks at Peg.

AL     What time is it? "Hondo"!

 Al switches the TV on.

TV     ...and that's the conclusion of the classic western "Hondo". Join us February 18th,
        2011, for the encore showing of...

 Al turns the TV off and gets up.

AL     Well, I might have missed "Hondo", but at least I stood up for what I believed in.

PEGGY  Well, honey, you'd better sit back down again, because that computer you destroyed 
       is gonna cost $4,000.

 Al sits back down.

AL     Well, thank God I make that much in a... in a year.

 Bud and Kelly come in from the backyard.
 They are both carrying a pair of rollerblades.

BUD    Mom, Dad, you guys seen Buck? We're gonna take him rollerblading.

 They hear Buck bark.

KELLY  He's in the basement. Let's get him.

 They run into the basement and fall down the stairs.
 Buck comes in from the backyard.

BUCK   [laughs] Yeah, I may be old, but I still throw my voice with the best of them.


The following occurs during the end credits:

 Al and Peggy walk to the screen, wearing 3D glasses, and they watch the 3D credits roll.
 They both reach out to touch the writing and look very puzzled. When the credits finish,
 Peg takes off her glasses.

PEGGY  I don't get it.

 They shake their heads in agreement.


Creative Consultant  Richard Gurman
Co-Producer  Larry Jacobson
Producer  Stacie Lipp
Supervising Producer  Kim Weiskopf
Co-Executive Producer  Katherine Green
Executive Producer  Michael G. Moye

Directed by  Sam W. Orender
Written by  David Castro
Created by  Michael G. Moye and Ron Leavitt
Associate Producer  Michael Greenspon
Produced by  John Maxwell Anderson

Creative Consultant  David Castro
Story Editor  Nancy Neufeld
Casting  Vicki Rosenberg and Gregory Orson
Music by  Jonathan Wolff
Art Director  Richard Improta
Assistant Art Director  Jim Yarmer
Associate Director  Bob Priest
Stage Manager  Richard Draney, Stephanie Scott, Niles Goodsite
               and Michael Shea
Edited by  Larry Harris
Production Associate  Kitty Rourke
Technical Director  Robert A. Bowen
Director of Photography  Thomas W. Markle
Audio  J. Mark King, Laura Osbourn,
       Scott Glickman and Alan Zema
Cameras  Mike Culp, Mark LaCamera, Jim Lunsford, Bettina
         Mylenek and Dennis Turner
Re-Recording  Roy Pahlman and John Bickelhaupt
Production Staff  Rochelle Staten, Carl Studebaker, Fran
                  Kaufer, Helen Pai, Gary Bowren, Don Beck,
                  Bert L. Cook and Carson Smith
Costumes  Marti M. Squyres
Property Master  Michael Semon
Make-up  Kathy Rogers
Hair Stylist  Dottie McQuown
Dog Trainer  Steven Ritt
3-D Television System by  3-D America
Copyright (c) 1994 by ELP Communications.

Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis


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