ASSAULT AND BATTERIES
Ed O'Neill..................Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.................Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.........Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..............Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley................Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the dog................Buck
Cheech Marin................Voice of Buck
Jean Speegle Howard.........Old Lady
Jan Hoag....................Checker #1
Brian Reddy.................Checker #2
Cynthia Frost...............Customer #1
Craig Benton................Customer #2
Al comes down the stairs, picks up the phone and dials.
AL [on the phone] Hello Jefferson, are you busy? [listens] You're having sex with
Marcy. What, is she holding a gun? [listens] Okay, I'll wait. [He waits for a
while] Let's go, let's go! Now look, it's my day off, and the Brute Channel is going
to show "Hondo"; John Wayne's greatest movie of all time. Now, I know Peg wants me
to fix the basement steps, so I need a favor. I want you to come over and hide in
the bushes, then I'm going to open the door and say "My, the clouds are looking
fluffy today." That's your cue to come rushing in, say you're having an appendicitis
attack and need me to rush you to the hospital. Then we'll go to your house and
watch "Hondo". Tee hee! [listens] What do you mean "faster, faster"? I'm talking as
fast as I... hello??
Al hangs up the phone with disgust and sits on the couch.
AL Ew, sex in the morning! Ew, sex with Marcy! EW, sex in the morning with Marcy!!
Peg comes in from the garage holding a jar containing a red note and a white
PEGGY Hi, Honey.
Peggy sits next to Al on the couch.
PEGGY It's time to get some chores done. Now, to be fair, we'll both pick from the job
jar. I'll pick the red one.
AL That's where I went wrong...
Peggy takes out the red note and reads it.
PEGGY "Continue sitting on couch." [laughs] Ooh, lucky. All right Al, your turn.
[shakes the jar] Gee, I wonder what it'll be.
Peggy gives the jar to Al. He reluctantly takes out the remaining note.
AL "Fix basement step."
PEGGY Mmm, tough break, honey.
AL Well, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. [gets up] Excuse me, Peg, [goes over
to the front door] I'm just gonna get a little fresh air first. [opens the door and
looks up] "My, the clouds are looking fluffy today." [a thunder and lightning storm
starts. Al looks at Peg, who smiles at him expectantly. Al turns and looks outside
again] Ahem. "My, the clouds are looking fluffy today." [thunder crashes again and it
starts to pour with rain. Al glances at Peg, who is still smiling expectantly. Al
looks outside again and shouts] I - I said, "MY, THE CLOUDS ARE LOOKING FLUFFY
TODAY", you ear-less moron!!
Jefferson runs past Al to get out of the rain. He is soaking wet, due to the
and his trousers are around his ankles.
JEFRSN [shouting] Al, Al! [pulls up his pants] It's an emergency! I need you to, uh...
AL Rush you to the hospital?
Al glances at Peg again.
JEFRSN Uh, yes, yes, I'm in great pain.
PEGGY What's wrong, Jefferson?
AL Oh, he has an appendicitis, Peg, see?
Al elbows Jefferson, who grunts and doubles up in pain.
JEFRSN [painfully] Thank God it's not a groin pull.
Al pats Jefferson on his back.
A paramedic comes to the door.
MEDIC Hey, I'm a paramedic. I heard you yelling. Good thing I was parked on the street
avoiding my supervisor. [looks down at Jefferson] Come on, we'll have that appendix
out in no time.
The paramedic starts to lead Jefferson outside.
JEFRSN Well, no, no, you see, we were, see I was helping Al, tell him I was...
Al shuts the door.
PEGGY Well, honey, now you can fix the basement step.
AL Peg, Hondo is coming on at 3:30.
Peggy looks at Al blankly.
AL "Hondo", Peg... John Wayne's best movie... it only comes on once every 17 years!
Oh Peg, please let me watch "Hondo".
Al sits next to Peggy on the couch.
PEGGY Oh now, Al. It's only 9:30. You can fix the steps and watch your stupid "Hondo".
AL All right, I'll fix the step. Where are my tools?
PEGGY Well, in the tool chest.
Al gets up, lifts the cushion that he was sitting on, and takes out a screwdriver.
Al then heads towards the basement.
PEGGY You know, there's something else that needs fixing down there.
Al goes into the basement and closes the door.
We hear him falling down the stairs, screaming.
AL [shouting from the basement] Light bulb out?
PEGGY Yeah, that's it!
AL Can you get me the flashlight, Peg?
PEGGY Al, how am I supposed to do my job and yours? I tell ya, now I know how Hillary feels.
Peggy gets the flashlight from under the cushion and holds it up for Al to
PEGGY [shouting] All right, Al, I've got it. Now what?
AL [angrily] Well, you can shove it up -
Al emerges from the basement.
AL Never mind.
PEGGY Come on, hurry Al. This flashlight weighs a ton.
Al snatches the flashlight from Peggy.
AL That's not the flashlight.
Al starts to go back into the basement and stops.
AL Wait now Peg, it doesn't work. Peg, do me a favour. [Al grabs Peggy's coat, which is
draped over a chair, and throws it at her] Go to the store and get me some
Peggy gets up.
PEGGY Well, what are you gonna do?
AL Don't worry, Peg, I'm not gonna be having a good time. I'll just see what I can in the
PEGGY Uh, like during sex?
AL No, Peg, I can't fake fixing a step.
Peg gives him a look and leaves.
Al tries to work the flashlight again, standing in the open basement door.
Bud enters through the back door, shuts the basement door, and in doing so, pushes Al down
the stairs. Bud stands behind the couch.
BUD [shouting up the stairs] Hey, Kel, Have we got any D batteries?
KELLY [shouting from upstairs] Yeah, I think there's some in the tool chest.
Bud walks to the front of the couch and lifts the cushion. He takes out the
a wrinkled paper. Kelly comes down the stairs and walks over to him.
KELLY Did you find it?
Bud unfolds the paper and reads it.
BUD Kel, check this out. [shows her the paper] It's Buck's birth certificate
KELLY Wow. According to this, he was born ten years ago. God, that would make him...
ten years old.
Buck is sitting on the chair next to the couch.
BUCK Mmph. And they wanted to neuter me.
KELLY Hey, I've got an idea.
BUCK Oh, please don't say, "let's do something nice for him."
KELLY Let's do something nice for him.
BUD What can we do, though?
BUCK Food would be nice...
KELLY I know: Let's take him out for some exercise.
BUCK Oh, good! The very thing you need food for!
BUD Maybe we can take him to the park, where all the dogs play together.
BUCK You mean, where the Rottweilers hunt?
Bud and Kelly start to lead him outside.
KELLY Come on boy, we're going to have the time of your life.
BUCK But I hate Rottweilers. Hey, can't I play with the drug-sniffing dogs? You know,
they're so laid back.
Al is sitting on the couch holding an ice-pack to his head.
Peggy comes in through the front door.
PEGGY Okay Al, I got your batteries.
Al gets up and takes the batteries from her.
AL Peg, these are A's. I needed D's.
PEGGY A's, D's... What's the difference?
AL They're too small!
PEGGY Then use a lot of them!
AL Better yet, I'll exchange them [picks up his jacket] for bullets!
PEGGY Well, I'm going with you.
AL No, Peg, if you go, you'll wanna shop. I'm just gonna run in, get the new batteries
and go out.
PEGGY Look Al, I was just at that store. There is absolutely nothing I want there. Now
AL But Peg, "Hondo" is coming on!
Peggy pushes Al outside and closes the door behind them.
The Sav.Som Discount Store.
Peg pushes an overflowing shopping cart towards Al, who is standing in line to pay.
Al looks down at Peggy's shopping cart.
AL Peg, do we really need Christmas icicles? It's May.
PEGGY Well, you'll thank me in December.
AL Only if you leave me in November.
Peggy notices a display near the checkout desk.
PEGGY Oh, look Al, they're doing a "Full House" in 3D.
Peggy picks up a pair of 3D glasses and puts them on.
AL Is the third dimension the funny one?
PEGGY Gee, I don't know. But these glasses are annoying.
AL [shrugs] Well, at least you look stupid.
Peggy gives Al a look and takes the glasses off.
PEGGY I'm bored. I'm gonna go get some ice-cream and wait in the car. Don't put back those
Peggy goes outside.
AL I won't!
Al shoves the shopping cart, without looking, down the aisle and it smashes into something.
Al notices a shorter line and rushes over to it.
An old lady walks up to Al and taps him on his shoulder.
O'LADY Excuse me, uh, my 26 cats are waiting for these three cans of liver-feast. [holds up
a small shopping basket containing the 3 cans] Do you mind if I cut in?
AL [smiling] Well, age before beauty.
O'LADY [sweetly] Thank you, Beauty.
AL [dejectedly] You're welcome, Age.
The old lady walks back to the shopping isle and retrieves 4 fully loaded shopping carts.
Al looks on in disbelief.
AL Hey, uh, hey, lady, you know, "Hondo" is coming on pretty soon. You know, it's a
story about the Wild West. You remember the Wild West, don't you?
O'LADY [shouting] Aren't you that mean shoe salesman at the mall!?
AL Uh... no. You must have me mistaken for someone else.
An announcement is heard in the store.
ANOUCE "Check-stand 2 is now open."
Al sees an opportunity for revenge.
AL Ha! Yes, I am that shoe salesman! And I don't need your stinking place in line!
Eat shoe and die!
Al laughs and the old lady gasps with shock.
Al walks to the new line, but two other people get there in front of him. He
AL Gotta see "Hondo", gotta see "Hondo". [to the person in front of him] Sir, would
you let me in front of you please?
The person turns around and we see it's Marcy. She gives him a long look.
MARCY Don't call me "sir", you cliff-dweller. It's bad enough you ruined my morning.
AL Oh yeah, well, you think hearing you scream "Ride me like a show horse" did me any
good? Look, let me go in front of you and I'll be out of what's left of your hair.
MARCY Just relax. This is what it's like to be part of civilisation.
The camera moves to the man at the front of the line.
MAN Wait, I have a coupon.
MARCY [shouting furiously] UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE! There's always one!!
MAN Don't, don't worry, I'm paying cash.
AL Thank God.
The man takes out a jar full of coins.
MAN My wife and I put a penny in it every time we make love. [smiles] We're
AL Good. On Easter I'll dip you both in chocolate and break your heads off.
A man with a very long grey beard is in front of Marcy at the check-out.
He hands some money to the checker.
CHEKR1 [looking at the money] Gee, we don't, uh, see that much Confederate money around
Al rolls his eyes impatiently, and Marcy becomes angry.
MARCY What happened to just paying and leaving? People just have too many options!
Marcy pushes her item forward.
MARCY [to checker] This vaporiser is 39.99 here, but I found it somewhere else for 39.98,
and you say you'll beat any...
Al cries out in frustration and goes back to the previous line.
The checker has just finished totalling the old lady's bill.
CHEKR2 [to the old lady] That'll be $753.84.
The old lady pulls up a cart with two very large jars filled with coins.
O'LADY Every time my husband and I make love...
Al is frustrated.
Marcy leaves the store with her purchase. It's finally Al's turn.
AL [to checker] My wife bought the wrong batteries, and since I can't exchange her,
I'd like to exchange [holds up the old batteries] these for [holds up the new
Al gives the checker the batteries and the checker tries to scan their barcode.
AL You know, in my days, you'd just push them buttons a little bit, the register went
"ching ching" and the drawer popped out.
CHEKR2 That's a fascinating story, Sir, but these days we have computers, and they make
things a lot easier and quicker.
The lights flicker for a moment and the checker's scanner stops working.
CHEKR2 Computer's down. Sorry sir, you'll have to wait.
Al is shouting at the checker.
AL I can't wait for the computer to come on. I gotta get home for "Hondo". Just add it up.
CHEKR2 I can't do that.
AL You can't add??? Good career choice!
CHEKR2 I don't have to take this! If I knew how, I would call security.
AL Well, don't learn a new skill on my account. Just keep the stinking batteries. I'm
taking my business elsewhere!
Al starts to walk outside and crashes into the closed door. He bangs on the
his fists angrily.
AL [to checker] Open these doors!
CHEKR2 Can't - the computer controls them too.
A woman walks over to the checker.
CHEKR2 And you just lost your place in line.
The Bundy living room.
Bud and Kelly enter through the front door.
KELLY Well, that was fun. It's good to get out and watch Buck run.
BUD Yeah. He must've had a great time.
Buck comes in, panting heavily.
BUCK Call 911! K-911!
KELLY Well, now what do you wanna do with him?
KELLY Hey, I know! Let's play...
BUCK Anything but frisbee!
Buck shakes his head.
BUCK Nooo! Not the disc of death!
BUD Ohh, look at his eyes light up.
Bud starts stroking Buck.
BUCK [laughs bitterly] I'd tear out both your hearts if my teeth weren't in a glass in
KELLY Come on, boy.
They head towards the backyard.
The Sav.Som Discount store.
Some of the shoppers have pulled up chairs and gathered round in a circle.
CUSTM1 You know, in these stressful times, it's nice to have a quiet moment to get to know
AL [banging on the door] I want out! It's 90 minutes to "Hondo"!
He sees Peg on the other side of the store window.
PEGGY Al, are you gonna be long? "Hondo" is on in 90 minutes.
AL [shouting but muffled by the glass door] I know, Peg, the doors won't open!
PEGGY I know the stores are open. That's where I got this lovely dress.
Peggy shows Al the dress.
AL [shouting] No more! No more!
PEGGY What's that? "Buy more, buy more"?
AL [shouting] Don't buy anything!
PEGGY "Buy a dinner ring"? You know, I hadn't thought about jewellery before, but I guess
AL [shouting] No! Don't buy!
Peggy laughs and walks away.
AL [to the checker] My wife is out there unsupervised with credit cards! Where's your
CHEKR2 Out there. [points outside] He can't get in.
Al turns around and sees a small boy in a suit holding a suitcase standing outside.
The boy waves at Al, then Al looks back at the checker with despair.
The Bundy backyard.
Kelly is standing next to Buck and Bud is standing a few feet away from them, holding a
BUD Okay Buck, here it comes, boy. Catch it!
Bud throws the frisbee towards Buck, but Buck ignores it as it flies past him.
KELLY Why didn't you jump?
Kelly goes to get the frisbee.
BUCK I did!
BUD You know, Kel, I think the problem is Buck's getting too old to jump.
They crouch beside Buck and stroke him.
KELLY I know... I know, you throw it to him, and I'll lift him.
Bud takes the frisbee from her and goes back to where he was standing.
BUCK Hmm. This will be good.
Kelly puts her arms around Buck's belly and gets ready to lift him.
BUD Okay Buck. Here it comes, boy.
Bud throws the frisbee.
We hear a thump and Bud cringes. Then we see Kelly lying on her back with the frisbee
in her mouth and Buck sitting beside her. Bud kneels beside Kelly and holds her hand.
BUD Kelly, Kelly, speak to me!
Bud takes the frisbee out of Kelly's mouth.
KELLY [weakly] Come closer.
BUD [kneeling closer] Hmm? What, what is it?
Kelly grabs Bud's throat and they start to fight.
Buck watches Bud and Kelly fighting.
BUCK Oh, come on, she's never gonna get that frisbee to fit there.
BUCK Well, I'll be damned.
The Sav.Som Discount Store.
The customers are sitting down, watching Al hitting the door with a baseball bat.
Passers-by laugh at Al trying to break the door down.
CUSTM1 [to the other customers] Someone hasn't been eating their fibre!
Peg waves at Al as she goes by with an entire rack of clothes.
Al swings the bat at the window, aiming at Peg, as she passes.
CUSTM2 [to Al] Hey, come on, fella. Put the bat down. Come sit around the ol' bochi, swap
some stories, huh?
AL You want a story? [pointing with the baseball bat] I got a story for you; about a
little place I like to call America. Before scanners and barcodes and computers,
Black and White Story Sequence:
It takes place in an old-western store, and Western music is heard.
Peg is sitting in a rocking chair, knitting and eating bonbons.
Bud is serving behind the counter.
Everybody is both dressed in old-west-style clothes and throughout the sequence they
speak with a western accent.
Kelly, as a western girl, enters and walks up to the counter.
BUD Can I 'elp ya? Pretty but fallen lady?
KELLY I 'ope so. They want me to do the Can-Can down at the saloon, so I guess I'm gonna
need some cans.
BUD You've got yourself some fancy book-learnin', ain't ya?
A handsome, Westernish, well-dressed Jefferson enters.
JEFRSN Hi there, my honest young merchant friend. I need a few things. I need a deck of
marked cards, some loaded dice and some genuine cow-hide condoms. Although, in these
simpler times we don't need 'em, but 'eck, they feel so good, we don't need the woman
PEGGY Hey! Not in front of the boy, Mr D'Arcy, you'll put ideas in his 'ead.
Peggy takes a big bite out of her bonbon.
KELLY Yeah, next thing you know, he'll be out behind the barn with his wooden woman.
[to Bud] Hey, order me up a couple of jugs, too?
Jefferson and Kelly, arm in arm, leave.
Peggy is staring into a wooden box on the floor.
Bud walks over to Peggy.
BUD Ma, now you know you scare the customers when you stare into that box like that.
PEGGY Yeah, I know. I just get this feeling that one day there's gonna be people small
enough to fit in there.
The Evil Bank President (Marcy) comes in holding a box. She's dressed in a suit and wearing
a black derby hat, and has a moustache. She twirls her moustache.
MARCY Afternoon, barefoot bumpkins.
BUD Afternoon, Miss Evil Bank President.
MARCY It has come to my attention that these simple times are going far too easy for
you folks. Let's see if that changes when you have to use this.
Marcy places the box on the counter.
BUD What in tarnation is that?
Marcy opens the box.
MARCY It's a computer! And we're gonna make you use them whether you like it or not!
Marcy laughs fiendishly, twirling her moustache.
Al appears at the door, dressed as a cowboy.
AL Now, hold on a second, Pilgrim.
Al, John Wayne style, walks inside.
AL [points at that computer] What is that gizmo?
MARCY That's not a gizmo, it's a computer!
Al takes a step backwards and reaches for his guns. Marcy runs out of Al's firing line.
Al pulls out his guns and fires six shots at the computer, shattering its screen.
He then blows on the barrels of his guns and replaces them.
AL Now it's a gizmo. Now you take your prairie chicken hide and cluck on outta here.
MARCY Well, I'll be back, and next time I'm bringing muzak.
Marcy twirls her moustache and runs outside, cackling.
BUD Thanks, Bundo.
PEGGY Oh, Bundo, you are just the kind of man we need in these sweet and innocent times.
Now, if there's anything I can do for you...
AL Well, there is one thing...
Peggy throws her knitting on the floor and starts to unbutton her dress.
PEGGY [to Bud] Get the powder, boy.
Bud leaves to fetch the powder.
AL Uh [chuckles] not that. No, I'm looking for a copy of that new girlie magazine,
"Bare Ankle". I hear they're coming out with a new 3D issue.
Al picks up an old fashioned 3D viewing device and looks into it.
End of Story Sequence.
Back at the Sav.Som Discount Store, everyone has fallen asleep while listening to Al's yarn.
AL Now, I say, we should do what John Wayne would have done. Let's show these machines
[gestures with the bat towards the computers] who's running things. I say we kick
some computer butt!
Al picks up a computerised cash register, lifts it above his head and staggers towards
AL [shouting] For "Hondo"!
Al hurls the computer at the door. It bounces back and hits him on his head.
Al stumbles and falls, unconscious, to the floor.
Al is sitting on the couch holding an ice-pack to his head.
Peg is sitting next to him reading a magazine.
AL [dazed] Oh, my head.
Al suddenly snaps out of it and looks at Peg.
AL What time is it? "Hondo"!
Al switches the TV on.
TV ...and that's the conclusion of the classic western "Hondo". Join us February 18th,
2011, for the encore showing of...
Al turns the TV off and gets up.
AL Well, I might have missed "Hondo", but at least I stood up for what I believed in.
PEGGY Well, honey, you'd better sit back down again, because that computer you destroyed
is gonna cost $4,000.
Al sits back down.
AL Well, thank God I make that much in a... in a year.
Bud and Kelly come in from the backyard.
They are both carrying a pair of rollerblades.
BUD Mom, Dad, you guys seen Buck? We're gonna take him rollerblading.
They hear Buck bark.
KELLY He's in the basement. Let's get him.
They run into the basement and fall down the stairs.
Buck comes in from the backyard.
BUCK [laughs] Yeah, I may be old, but I still throw my voice with the best of them.
The following occurs during the end credits:
Al and Peggy walk to the screen, wearing 3D glasses, and they watch the 3D credits roll.
They both reach out to touch the writing and look very puzzled. When the credits finish,
Peg takes off her glasses.
PEGGY I don't get it.
They shake their heads in agreement.
Creative Consultant Richard Gurman
Co-Producer Larry Jacobson
Producer Stacie Lipp
Supervising Producer Kim Weiskopf
Co-Executive Producer Katherine Green
Executive Producer Michael G. Moye
Directed by Sam W. Orender
Written by David Castro
Created by Michael G. Moye and Ron Leavitt
Associate Producer Michael Greenspon
Produced by John Maxwell Anderson
Creative Consultant David Castro
Story Editor Nancy Neufeld
Casting Vicki Rosenberg and Gregory Orson
Music by Jonathan Wolff
Art Director Richard Improta
Assistant Art Director Jim Yarmer
Associate Director Bob Priest
Stage Manager Richard Draney, Stephanie Scott, Niles Goodsite
and Michael Shea
Edited by Larry Harris
Production Associate Kitty Rourke
Technical Director Robert A. Bowen
Director of Photography Thomas W. Markle
Audio J. Mark King, Laura Osbourn,
Scott Glickman and Alan Zema
Cameras Mike Culp, Mark LaCamera, Jim Lunsford, Bettina
Mylenek and Dennis Turner
Re-Recording Roy Pahlman and John Bickelhaupt
Production Staff Rochelle Staten, Carl Studebaker, Fran
Kaufer, Helen Pai, Gary Bowren, Don Beck,
Bert L. Cook and Carson Smith
Costumes Marti M. Squyres
Property Master Michael Semon
Make-up Kathy Rogers
Hair Stylist Dottie McQuown
Dog Trainer Steven Ritt
3-D Television System by 3-D America
Copyright (c) 1994 by ELP Communications.
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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