THE LEGEND OF IRONHEAD HAYNES
Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Marcy D'Arcy...............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Jefferson D'Arcy...........Ted McGinley
Buck.......................Buck the Dog
Ironhead Haynes............Waylon Jennings
Officer Dan................Dan Tullis, Jr.
Bob Rooney.................E.E. Bell
Woman #2...................Sheila Grenham
Peggy and Kelly have just finished eating and are wiping their mouths with napkins.
KELLY Mmm. Great sandwich, Mom.
Kelly gets up and takes the plates to the sink.
PEGGY Oh yeah. We should all be grateful to our late Aunt Stumpy for leaving us her
refrigirator full of food.
KELLY Mom, she didn't exactly leave it to us. I mean, we took it off the back porch
while everybody else was at the funeral.
Kelly sits back down.
KELLY Don't you think we should tell Dad about the fridge?
PEGGY Oh no. I'm sure he made out fine. It was an open casket. He probably got the
Bud comes in from the garage holding a milk carton and walks over to the kitchen.
BUD Well, refrigirator's hidden in the garage. Dad'll never know it's there. It's
concealed so well even a clever man wouldn't be able to find it.
Bud starts drinking the milk, just as Al comes in. Bud notices him and tries to hide
the milk carton. Al walks over to the kitchen.
AL I hate those complaint boxes they put in at the mall. A woman comes in the
shoe store today, so huge she's protected by Green Peace, and asks for a size
Al faces Bud, who has milk on his beard and moustache. Bud smiles uneasily. Al takes
a beer bottle out of the refrigirator.
AL So, I ask her if she wants to eat them there or take them home. And she has
the nerve to complain about my performance.
PEGGY Honey, I complain about your performance all the time; you don't care.
Sometimes you don't even wake up.
AL Unlike sex with you, this is important to me. The mall manager is threatening
to take away the only joy I have at work.
KELLY They're shutting off the plumbing?
AL The other joy. They're threatening to take away my parking space, the one that's
closer than all the other employees' because I've been there the longest.
PEGGY Oh, so you'll have to walk an extra half mile. It won't kill ya.
AL Oh no, Peg, it won't kill me. That's your job. [sits down] But I earned that
parking spot. It's mine. I started at the end of the lot, by the street, where
it helps to speak Spanish. And ten years later - or should I say, diez anos -
they finally put my name on the best spot: "Al Budny". I was so happy. But now,
if I insult one more woman before the end of the month, they're gonna take my
BUD Maybe you should just call in sick for the next 27 days.
PEGGY Oh, no, no, no. We can't afford that. Then they'd dock his pay and we'd be out
hundreds and hundreds of loose change.
Al gets up.
AL Well, all I know is I am not giving up my parking space without a fight. Anyone
can go three weeks without insulting a woman.
PEGGY Betcha five dollars you can't.
Al holds out his hand.
AL I will take that bet, you bonbon binging bozo!
Peggy smiles and holds out her hand for the money. Al digs around in his pocket.
Aaron and Al are standing near the entrance to the shoe store.
AARON Mr. Bundy, since you lose your parking spot if you get one more complaint, maybe
I should take care of a certain segment of our woman customers today.
AL It's not necessary, Aaron. I've already decided to be nice to women for the next
three weeks. And no one on God's foul earth will come between me and my slab of
Aaron pats Al's shoulder encouragingly. Al turns around to see Marcy standing at the
door, holding a bag of groceries and grinning wickedly.
AL [looking upwards] Don't you have anything else to do?
Al unlocks the door and lets Marcy in.
MARCY Hi, Al. Peggy told me about your little complaint problem.
AL There's no problem, I'm still under my quota.
MARCY Oh, that's very good. 'Course, I don't see any customers here yet. Nope, no one
here but us chickens.
Al's eyes widen. He seems about to say something but stops himself.
MARCY Actually, I was just on my way back from the supermarket.
Marcy takes six-egg set out of her bag of groceries.
MARCY It seems I was all out of eggs.
Marcy holds the eggs in front of Al's face. Al controls himself with considerable
MARCY Some of the girls are gonna be stopping by later for what I guess you could call
a hen party.
Al again seems about to say something but stops himself in time.
MARCY Oh, come on, Al. You know you can't keep this up all month. Eventually some poor
calorically-challenged woman is gonna come through those doors and you are gonna
insult her, because you don't know the first thing about Politically Correct
AL What does that have to do with obnoxious fat women?
MARCY Today's obese woman simply feels that it's her right to be heavy and does not
want to be insulted.
AL So when some moo-cow thunders in here with a pie under each chin, I'm not
supposed to ask if that's the Star Spangled Banner she's belching so I know
whether to sit or stand?
MARCY All I'm saying - oh ye of little deodorant - is that you must learn to treat all
people the same.
AL Even midgets?
MARCY Everyone, you wiener-head. Now, I would really love to stay and see you go down
for the third time, but I have to get home.
Marcy starts walking jerkily, like a chicken.
MARCY I, uh, promised Jefferson I'd cook him a frier for dinner.
Al bites his fist.
MARCY I so wanted it to be me.
AARON That was close.
A thin woman comes in.
AL [to Aaron] Now I'll take care of this one. You go in the back room and do
whatever it is you do back there for hours on end.
AARON It's called 'inventory'.
AL Heh. You call it whatever you want to.
Al walks over to the thin customer.
AL Uh, excuse me, madam, how may I serve you?
The customer holds up a shoe.
WOMAN1 Do you have this in an 8AA?
AL Well, I'll have to check.
WOMAN1 Well you'll have to hurry. I don't have much time.
Al walks into the stock room. The woman waits for a short while, then looks at her
watch impatiently and leaves. A fat woman comes in and sits down where the thin woman
sat. Al comes out of the stock room, sees the fat woman and jumps back, startled.
AL Excuse me, Miss... Are you sitting on someone?
AL Oh, no, I'm sorry, excuse me. How - how - how may I serve you?
The fat woman holds up the shoe the thin woman was admiring earlier.
WOMAN2 How do you think this would look on me? I wear a size four.
The fat woman sticks her bare foot in front of Al's face. Al's face covers with sweat.
Suspenseful music starts playing.
WOMAN2 I have tiny toes, don't you think?
AL Oh yes indeed... for sausages!
The words "sausages" echoes several times as the camera zooms in on Al's face.
A "NO MA'AM" meeting in the garage. Al, Barney, Jefferson, Roger, Bob Rooney and
Officer Dan are present.
Al hammers on the desk for silence.
AL Now, before we get to the main topic of tonight's meeting - which is "what in
the hell is this country coming to when a man can't speak his mind without
losing his parking space" -
The others express their agreement.
AL - we'll hear the minutes of our last meeting. Jefferson...
Jefferson stands up.
JFRSN Thank you. [reading from his notes] The meeting was called to order at 8
o'clock. We discussed the pros and cons of the single urinal versus the trough.
At 8:15 we voted on whether or not we'd rather do Ann-Margaret or Alan Arkin.
Jefferson sits down, then stands up again.
JFRSN Uh, that should be "Ellen Barkin".
Jefferson sits down. Everyone starts talking. Al hammers on the desk for silence.
The view changes to the Bundy living room. Peggy is sitting on the couch with a food
tray and Kelly is sitting next to her. Bud, who has been standing by the garage door,
walks over to them.
BUD Damn. Dad's in the garage with a bunch of his friends. How're we supposed to
get to our refrigirator?
KELLY Are they all men?
KELLY No problem.
Kelly gets up.
KELLY You see, there are several genetic flaws in all men that can be acted on for
reasons of distraction.
Kelly picks up a football.
KELLY I shall demonstrate the strangest one.
Kelly walks into the garage.
KELLY Oops. I'm sorry, I didn't know you guys were in here. Oh look, a football.
The guys react with great excitement. Kelly throws the football to Barney and the guys
start playing enthusiastically. Unnoticed by them, Kelly opens the concealed
refrigirator's door, takes some food and leaves, just as the football explodes in Bob
AL Oh well, come on. We have important business to discuss.
The guys all sit back down. Al hammers on the desk.
AL Now as you know, I lost my beloved parking space just because I chose to speak
The express their sympathy.
AL Today, you're supposed to write to the organization of bald people just to ask
permission to call them 'chrome domes'.
The guys agree.
AL And you're supposed to fax the fatso society and ask permission to assign
zipcodes to each thigh.
Bud comes in holding a paper airplane.
BUD Excuse me. Dad, I just thought you guys might wanna see this paper airplane
that I made.
AL Son, we've all seen a paper airplane before.
BUD Made out of Miss January?
The guys jump up excitedly and gather around the paper airplane, shouting "Hooters!
Hooters!" Al unfolds the picture and shows it to the others. Bud gets a chicken from
the refrigirator and leaves.
AL [looking at the back of the picture] Hey Roger, this looks like your wife.
ROGER You think so?
AL Oh, oh, I'm sorry. No, I - I was looking at this picture of Dick Butkus on the
Al shows Roger the picture and laughs. Roger advances towards him threateningly, but
the others seperate between them.
JFRSN Come on, guys, we're in a meeting here!
AL He's right. We've got work to do.
They all sit down.
AL Now... [hammers on the desk] What we need to do, is to find someone who can
tell us how to fight this insanity.
ROGER That's right. We need a man's man.
BOB R Right. Someone who's always called his own shots.
JFRSN A leader to lead us through the '90s.
DAN A man among men.
They fall into deep thought, then all get up and say "Ironhead Haynes!", except for
Jefferson, who remains seated.
JFRSN [getting up] Who's Ironhead Haynes?
AL The gruffest, toughest man that ever graduated from Polk High.
ROGER He had a beard in the seventh grade. And a wife.
DAN Took out his own appendix with a pocket fisherman.
AL Could've been a great football player for Polk High, but he refused to take off
JFRSN He wore boots to play football?
AL No boots. Just spurs.
BOB R Well, you know, they can't all be football stars like we were.
The guys agree.
JFRSN Or cheerleaders, like I was.
The guys look at Jefferson oddly.
JFRSN Hey, I did some very dangerous flips.
The guys are far from impressed.
JFRSN [trying to sound more macho] And I, uh, I helped fire the cannon after each
This finally gets Jefferson some encouraging reactions from the others. Everyone sits
ROGER Well, uh, where can we find this Ironhead Haynes?
DAN Rumor has it he lives alone, on top of the highest mountain in Illinois.
AL Well, then we'll go tomorrow and seek his guidance.
We hear Peggy calling out to Al from the living room.
PEGGY [v.o.] Al, I need someone to move the clothes dryer away from the wall.
AL [calling out] Coming, dear.
Al and the guys leave in a hurry. Peggy and the kids enter the garage. We hear Al
calling out from offscreen.
AL [v.o.] Hey, wait a second. We don't have any clothes dryer!
PEGGY [calling out] Uh, did I say "clothes dryer"? I meant "take out the trash."
We hear tires screeching and a car speeding away. Peggy and the kids smile at each
other and walk over to the hidden refrigirator.
The "NO MA'AM" gang are on their way to the mountain top.
BOB R [to Al] Hey, wait. Look, how do we know that Ironhead Haynes is even up there?
JFRSN Yeah. This legend could just be made up.
ROGER That's true, Al. He could be as phony as your wife's hair color.
AL Or as real as your wife's hair color, Roger. I know it's real 'cause it matches
Roger and Al start towards each other but again the others seperate between them.
DAN [shakily] Look guys... Are we going on or not?
AL Of course we're going on. Name me one good reason why we shouldn't.
Officer Dan pushes aside a bush to reveal a sign with a skull painted on it that
reads: "GO AWAY".
AL Well I'm going on.
JFRSN Yeah? Well I'm... staying here.
BARNEY Yeah. We'll see you when you get back.
Barney passes the bag he's holding to Jefferson, who quickly passes it to Officer Dan,
who quickly passes it to Bob Rooney.
BOB R Yeah, have a nice trip.
Bob Rooney gives the bag to Al.
AL Thank you, candy asses.
Al heads up the mountain.
DAN Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm no candy ass.
JFRSN Well, think we'll ever see him again?
DAN It's hard to say. This mountain has killed before. It could kill again.
They fall silent for a momnet.
DAN Trail mix, anyone?
They all gather around Officer Dan enthusiastically.
Al, grunting with effort, climbs up some rocks and reaches the mountain top, where
Ironhead Haynes is standing. Al straightens up and faces him.
AL You must be Ironhead Haynes!
I.H. Yep. And you must be some idiot who don't know there's a road on the other side
of this mountain.
AL Al Bundy, Polk High. And I brought you some gifts. Me and my buddies wanted to
give you a token of our esteem.
Al opens the bag and shows Ironhead Haynes its contents.
AL In here I got some beer nuts, and here's a tire gauge, and, um... Oh, here's the
football that I scored my first touchdown with at Polk High. So go out, go out...
Ironhead Haynes takes a few steps back but remains with his arms folded. Al throws the
football to him but he doesn't move and the football flies past him and disappears from
I.H. Not my game.
AL Oh. Well, then, uh, the - the beer nuts can be from me. Oh, and, uh, here's
something here... [takes out a rolled silk shirt] Jefferson didn't know what to
get you so he got you a silk shirt, y'know...
Ironhead Haynes unrolls the shirt and looks at it.
I.H. I've never had one of these before.
Ironhead Haynes blows his nose, using the shirt as a hankerchief. He puts the shirt down
next to him.
I.H. It's not bad. Now what can I do for you?
AL Well, Ironhead, things have gotten pretty rough for us free-thinkers back in civil-
ization. Old people getting mad at you if you call 'em old, foreign people getting
mad if you tell them to go home... You'd be surprised the slightest thing will set
a gimp off these days. I - I suppose that's why you moved up here, isn't it?
I.H. No, I moved up here to get in touch with my feminine side.
Al raises his eyebrows.
I.H. I'm kidding. I'm just teasing.
AL Oh. Well, unfortunately, many can't move to a mountain because, uh, they're
married to one. But we need your wisdom to help guide us through our daily hell.
Tell us what you believe.
I.H. I believe that when you gotta spit, you gotta spit. And right now I gotta spit.
AL [writing this down] Oh, this is good stuff.
Ironhead Haynes spits upwards. We hear a bird screeching and a moment later it crashes
to the ground. Ironhead Haynes shrugs.
I.H. And I believe that everybody that's got more money than they can hold in both
hands oughta give it all to me.
Al continues to write.
I.H. I believe that all animals were put on this earth to - to make faces at me.
Al stops writing and gets a weird look on his face.
I.H. And I really believe that that damn doctor didn't have to put this plate in my
Ironhead Haynes taps his left temple.
AL [laughing uneasily] Well... doctor knows best. But - but tell us, what can we do
to fight back?
I.H. Well, I don't know. Maybe this song will say it the best.
Ironhead Haynes picks up his guitar, strums a few chords and sings "nothing".
He puts the guitar back down.
AL That - that's it? That's - that's the message?
I.H. That's it. You know, men like us are dinosaurs. Real live dead dinosaurs.
Al gets up.
AL Wait a sec. I got buddies down here waiting for you to give us a plan of action.
Al walks over to the edge of the mountain and looks down.
AL [longingly] My football...
Al turns back to Ironhead Haynes.
AL I can't just tell them it's all over, that life as we know it is gone and will
never be like this again...
I.H. Well, if it isn't Mr. Sunshine. The only problem with being a dinosaur is there
ain't no future in it. But there is one hell of a past. Now what you need to do is
act like the mighty Tyrannosaurus and leave deep prints.
AL [slowly] Leave deep prints.
Al writes this down.
I.H. That's it. Let 'em know that you've been there.
Al gets up.
AL I got it! Oh, wait a second... What if my buddies don't believe that I met ya?
Is there something here that you can give me to prove that we met?
I.H. Well, how about that sack of flour?
Ironhead Haynes gives Al his sack of flour.
AL Well, anything without mealybugs in it?
I.H. I guess that leaves my beard out... All I got left now is this guitar [holds up
the guitar] that my dearly beloved departed grandmother left me, and my Victoria's
Ironhead Haynes contemplates which to give Al, and finally hands him the guitar.
I.H. Here. I can give up the songs I write...
AL Thank you, Ironhead. And I'll see to it that your legend lives on. You're still my
idol. Because you're afraid of nothing.
I.H. Well, now, that's not necessarily true. I'm deathly afraid of magnets. If a big
one wants to roll by here right now my head is history. I suggest that you get
back on down that mountain in a hurry.
AL Why, is it gonna rain?
I.H. No, but I do feel another spit coming on.
It is now night time. The other "NO MA'Am"ers are sitting around a small campfire.
We can hear the sound of crickets and the occasional howl.
DAN Do you think something horrible's happened to Al?
JFRSN Why would you say such a terrible thing?
DAN Well, 'cause if he's dead, we can eat his croissant.
The guys all agree: "he's dead." Suddenly thunder strikes and we hear Al's voice.
AL [v.o.] Don't eat the croissant!
The guys all get up. Al comes down the mountain. His hair has turned white, his shirt
is torn, and he is holding the two halves of Ironhead's guitar's body the way Moses
held the Tablets of the Covenant.
JFRSN Al! Is - is that you?
AL It is I! I have come from Ironhead Haynes.
The guys all bow.
AL With words for hard working people who don't give a rat's ass about political
Rule 1: It's okay to call hooters 'knockers' and sometimes 'snack trays'.
Rule 2: It is wrong to be French.
Rule 3: It is okay to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder.
Rule 4: Lawyers - see rule 3.
It is okay to drive a gas-guzzler if it helps you get babes.
Everyone should carpool except me.
Bring back the word 'stewardesses'.
Synchronized swimming is not a sport.
Mud wrestling IS a sport.
Those are your ten commandments.
JFRSN But Al, that's only nine.
AL Those are your nine commandments.
Officer Dan gets up.
DAN Well, I can live with that. I say we all go back and spread the word. And help
Al get what appears to be flour out of his hair.
ROGER It's stupid to start back now. It'll be pitch black before we reach the bottom.
JFRSN Yeah, well, if we're gonna stay here, we better keep this fire going. Now does
anybody have something we can throw in the fire?
BARNEY All I have is my Victoria's Secret catalog.
ROGER Yeah, me too.
BOB R Me too.
Officer Dan takes Bob Rooney's copy of Victoria's Secret from him.
DAN Well, then all we have is these, or these sacred commandments.
Dan thinks about this, then gives Bob Rooney back his catalog and he and Jefferson take
the two guitar halves away from Al's hands and throw them in the fire.
AL Sinners! Blasphemers! Heathens! Sinners!
Jefferson hands Al a Victoria's Secret catalog.
AL Hooters! Hooters!
Al sits down. Some of the guys wave their catalogs to strengthen the fire.
As the closing credits roll, Al is seen sneaking into the garage in his pajamas.
He turns on the light, walks over to a large tool bench and pushes it aside to reveal
a hidden fridge. Al opens the fridge and smiles in delight at all the food in it.
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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