0819 (176)


Regular Cast:
Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Marcy D'Arcy...............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Jefferson D'Arcy...........Ted McGinley
Buck.......................Buck the Dog

Guest Cast:
Aaron .....................Hill Harper
TV Announcer ..............Tiiu Leek
Sascha ....................Julie Benz



 The Bundy living room.
 Peggy is watching TV, swaying her head in time to a country tune that's playing.
 We see the commercial Peggy is watching. It starts with a closeup of a sign that reads: "PEST
 BOYS / EXTERMINATION CO. / EST. 1993 / CALL 1-312-555-SCAM". Then the camera pans to Kelly,
 dressed as The Verminator.

KELLY	Hi. I'm The Verminator, and guess what I've got for you. [reading off the teleprompter]
	"Show can". Okay...

 Kelly smiles and turns her rear towards the camera. Someone, presumably the director, shouts at
 her from off screen.

MAN	[O.S.] The spray can, you spokes-idiot!

KELLY	I knew that. Anyway, we've got a brand new poison, and we like to call it [holds up can
	for the camera] "Springtime In Baghdad". How new is it? It's so new that it hasn't even
	been tested on unsuspecting American citizens yet. Just one spray of this on your dog or
	cat, and they'll never have fleas again. And to prove it, I have volunteered my dog-or-
	cat, Buck, to demonstrate.

 We see Buck chained to a post next to Kelly.

KELLY	[to Buck] Are you ready, boy?

BUCK	Help meee.

KELLY	Here we go!

 Kelly covers her nose and mouth and sprays Buck from the cans on her back. Gas fills the room.
 We go back to Peggy.

PEGGY	Isn't this great, Buck? And you didn't wanna do it.

 We see a Chinese Shar-Pei dog - Buck - sitting on the small couch.

BUCK	Yeah, this is great. I look like Oprah after she dropped the weight.

 Marcy comes in, excited.

MARCY	Hi, Peggy! Now, I don't want to rub this in, because you're poor and married to Al, which
	is of course redundant, [laughs] but guess what? I'm rich!

PEGGY	Rich? Well, how'd you do that? Maybe I could do it to.

MARCY	I worked for it.

PEGGY	[disappointed] Oh.

 Marcy sits on the couch next to Peggy.

MARCY	You see, Trans-Mexican Motors has been looking for a place to build their new car, the
	Haguar GT, and I found them a piece of property right next to Polk High School. It is a
	four-hundred million dollar deal, and I get a finder's fee.

PEGGY	Well, how much is that?

 We see Jefferson standing in the doorway, dressed as a sailor.

JFRSN	1.3 million dollars, [laughs] plus a brand new Haguar for each of us.

 Marcy gets up.

MARCY	[to Peggy] Oh, but don't think this is going to change us. We'll still be the same humble
	people we always were.

 Marcy walks over to Jefferson and they hold hands.

JFRSN	Just in a better part of town.

MARCY	[to Peggy] Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you: we're moving!

 Marcy and Jefferson start jumping up and down joyously.

MARCY	[still jumping up and down] And we just came by to tell you how sorry we are about

 The D'Arcys finally stop jumping.

MARCY	Oh, Jefferson, this is the happiest day of my life. Isn't this a great country?

 Al comes in.

AL	This country sucks, Peg!

 Al sits on the couch next to Peggy.

AL	And I'll tell you why: we're giving it away faster than we can take it from other people.
	I was driving by Polk High today to catch a glimpse of the scoreboard which once 
	proclaimed my glory and fight with the homeless for nickels, and guess what sign I saw on
	the school fence?

MARCY	"Life: 50, Al: 0"?

AL	Hey Marcy, I see they drank a lot at "Zippy Cuts".

 Marcy reacts. Jefferson laughs behind her back. She turns towards him and he tries to cover by
 pretending to be coughing.

AL	The sign said: "Future Home of the Haguar".

 Al stands up.

AL	Which means, Peg, that they will be building automobiles on the football field where I
	scored four touchdowns in a single game. Where pert cheerleaders in stuffed bras and
	short mini skirts used to sing: "1-2-4-3, give the ball to Al Bundy". This is madness, I
	say! How could this have happened?

MARCY	[walking over to Al] Two town meetings, a suitcase full of unmarked bills and it's pretty
	much a done deal.

AL	You were involved?

MARCY	I was.

AL	Well, you're not going to get away with this. If it's a war you want, it's a war you'll
	get. But you and your fellow Hag-whites should know one thing: 'Al' is the first word in

PEGGY	Al, we lost the Alamo.

AL	Aw, Peg, nobody remembers that!



 The Bundy living room.
 Peggy is once again watching a Pest Boys commercial, enjoying the country tune.
 We see the commercial she is watching. It again begins with a closeup of the Pest Boys sign,
 then Kelly - in Verminator costume - comes into view.

KELLY	Hi. Verminator here again. Now, a few of you viewers have expressed concern over alleged
	side-effects of our new bug poison [holds up can] "SPRINGTIME IN BAGHDAD" - now with

 Kelly's teeth glisten and a 'bling' is heard.

KELLY	Well, I'm here to tell you that these allegations of genetic mutations are completely
	false. And to prove it, my brother Bud here -

 The camera zooms out and we see Bud, gagged, chained and struggling to break free.

KELLY	- who I love like a brother, has graciously volunteered to be sprayed directly in the
	kisser with this stuff.

 Kelly aims her hose at Bud.

KELLY	Are you ready, Bud?

BUD	[muffled] I'll kill you if you don't untie me!

KELLY	[to camera] See? He can't wait. Let's do it.

 Kelly covers her face and sprays Bud. He screams and hollers as gas fills the room. We return
 to the Bundy living room.

PEGGY	You were great, Bud! People are gonna recognize you wherever you go.

 The camera pans out and we see Bud sitting next to Peggy with huge breasts.

BUD	C'mon, ma, tell the truth: do you think these'll turn girls off?

PEGGY	Oh, come on, honey. Don't let a little thing like a couple of breasts get you down. It's
	not like they're permanent. I mean, it's been a whole week, and look how much better
	Buck is getting.

 We see a turkey - Buck - perched on the small couch.

BUCK	I sure hope this crap wears off before Thanksgiving.

BUD	Maybe you're right, ma. I'll just hide for a while.

 The doorbell rings. Bud gets up and walks to the door.

BUD	[dejected] It's not like I had any plans this week.

 Bud opens the door. A pretty girl, Sascha, is standing outside. Bud quickly hides behind the

SASCHA	Hi, Bud. It's me, Sascha. The girl you've wanted every day and night of your life since
 	the first grade. Well, I'm about to enter a convent, and I wanted to be with a real man
	for my first, last and only time. [sensuously] Take me, Bud! Take me now!

BUD	[breathlessly] Well, you caught me at a bad time. Goodbye.

 Bud closes the door on a heartbroken Sascha. He looks down at his breasts and heads upstairs.

PEGGY	Where are you going?

BUD	To cop a feel and kill myself.

 Bud exits. Kelly comes in.

KELLY	Hi, Mom. Bud still have boobs?

 Peggy nods.

KELLY	Oh. Then I'll be sleeping at Cindy's. Where's dad?

PEGGY	Oh, he's down at the city council meeting. You know, he's really steamed about them
	paving over his football field.

 Kelly grunts.

KELLY	I just hope he doesn't make a testicle out of himself.

PEGGY	You mean 'spectacle', honey.

KELLY	No, I mean 'testicle'. I'm used to the spectacle thing.

PEGGY	Well, let's just hope that if he's gonna make a fool of himself, at least he'll do it
	in the privacy of his own home.

 Peggy turns the TV on. We see a news reporter standing in a field.

TV ANN	And on the lighter, more pitiful side of the news, self-proclaimed football legend Al
	Bundy is leading a protest against a proposed Trans-Mexican auto plant by handcuffing
	himself to a goal post on his old high school playing field.

 The camera zooms out and we see Al standing solemnly, his hand chained to a goal post.

TV ANN	He has vowed to stay chained to this post until the project is moved or - quote -
	"Marcy has lips".

 We see Peggy and Kelly watching TV grimly.

PEGGY	What a testicle.



 The field, some time later.
 Al is still standing there, chained to a goal post. Bud approaches him, wearing a long coat.

AL	Bud. 

 Al pats Bud's shoulder.

AL	I'm glad you're here to share my moment of triumph.

 Al gestures around. We see that the field is empty.

BUD	You, uh, you got someone working crowd control, Dad?

AL	These things take time, son. You think people came when Paul Revere rode nude through
	the town yelling "the Beatles are coming"? No. He had to chain himself to the Old North
	Wind and throw up in the harbor first. But like old Paul, you'll be reading about me

BUD	[muttering to himself] Yeah, once TIME Life comes out with the "Great Idiots" series.

AL	Huh?

BUD	Anyway, I just came over 'cause mom was wondering if you wanted any food.

AL	[hopeful] Did she bring me something?

BUD	No, she was just wondering.

AL	Well, you tell your mother that my stomach is full of pride. Pride and the baloney
	sandwich I ate a couple of weeks ago. By the way, it's warm out here tonight - why the

BUD	I, uh, was just coming down with something.

AL	Chest cold?

BUD	[quickly] No! No, this coat just makes them sensitive.

 Al looks confused.

AL	Well, anyway, son, I'm glad you're here. I want you to help me pass out the rest of those

 Al points to a pile of flyers on a desk nearby.

AL	Take them to all the places old high school athletes hang out.

BUD	You mean like bars, unemployment offices and pie-eating contests?

AL	Yes. And don't forget freeway underpasses. Tell them to bring candles and a cheeseburger.

BUD	Anything else?

AL	Yes. I want you to take the keys to the handcuffs out of my back pocket so I'm not

 Bud does so.

BUD	Dad, you sure this protest thing is gonna work?

AL	Son, I'm not sure of a lot of things in this life. I'm not sure why I was born, I'm not
	sure why you were born and I'm also not sure of why I felt a pair of breasts on my back
	when you took those keys out of my pocket. But I am sure that this will work. Tonight,
	fueled by the flames of ten thousand candles and several cheeseburgers, I will be

 Al raises his free arm. Bud reacts to the smell from Al's armpit and walks away.



 The field, that night.
 We see a close-up of Al's somber face, lit up by a fire. The camera pans out and we see two
 homeless men eating next to a burning trash can.

AL	I don't get it. A great historical landmark is about to fall and no one turns out. But
	let some moron hit an ice-skater in the knee and a million reporters show up.

 Aaron approaches Al, wearing a Polk jersey.

AARON	Hey, Mr. Bundy.

AL	Aaron! I knew I could count on someone who played for Polk High.

AARON	Well, I saw your flyers.

AL	Good. Then Bud is doing his job.

AARON	He is if you told him to stuff them in a trash can about a block from here. But all the
	guys from the gym are talking about it.

AL	Great! What are they saying?

AARON	They hear Haguar pays 15.40 an hour plus medical. They're really psyched!

AL	Doesn't anybody care about preserving our heritage?

AARON	Well, I thought selling out to the highest bidder was our heritage.

AL	Not when it's our field! Why is no one here? [gets an idea] Wait a second. I know what
	the problem is. I just realized I chained myself to the visitors' end of the field. No
	one would ever recognize me down here!

AARON	Don't they change sides after half time?

AL	I never played after half time. We were always too far ahead. Now, go get Bud, and bring
	the keys back here. I wanna switch goal posts.

AARON	Oh, he doesn't have the key. He gave it to me.

AL	Well, good. Give it here.

 Al holds out his hand.

AARON	Can't. I gave it to Kelly.

AL	Why?

AARON	It was bright and shiny and she liked it.

AL	Go get her, bring her back here and hurry. [miserably] I have to go to the bathroom.

 Aaron rushes off. Al moves about impatiently.



 The field, some time later. Caption: "Several Hours Later".
 Al, still chained to the same goal post, is moving about very restlessly.

AL	Oh, what was I thinking. Have a big gulp, then chain myself to the goal post. Good move,
	Al! Well, no one's around. Maybe if I, maybe if I hurry...

 Al turns around and unzips his fly. We hear a car approach and its headlights shine on Al. He
 quickly zips and turns back around. The car comes to a stop next to Al. It is an orange VW
 Beetle bearing the "Pest Boys" logo and driven by Kelly. On its roof is a giant fake bug. Kelly
 comes out of the car.

KELLY	Hi, daddy. Guess what?

AL	My dreams of having a daughter with her own insect car have finally come true?

KELLY	You guessed! 

 Kelly laughs.

KELLY	Anyway, it's called The Bug Mobile and the company said that I could take it whenever I 

AL	[restlessly] That's great, sweetheart. Could you unlock me now please?

KELLY	Wait. First, guess where I went today?

AL	The moon?

KELLY	Better: the Chicago Institute of Bugs and Vermin. They have some of the rarest and most
	dangerous bugs in the world there. Like, take these African pang beetles over here -

 Kelly holds a jar up to Al's face. He withdraws.

KELLY	There's only six of them in the entire world. It's a good thing, because one bite from
	these babies will nuke your entire metabolic system.

AL	[terrified] Honey, could you back the jar up a little bit?

KELLY	Don't worry about it, daddy. I made sure before I took them that I made the holes too
	small for any -

 Kelly stops and studies the jar.


AL	What??

KELLY	Did I say six? I guess I meant five. So, how was your day?

AL	Oh, just a typical day. Didn't sell any shoes, didn't get to pee... you know. Could you
	please unlock me now?

 Kelly hangs her head.

AL	Oh no.

KELLY	Don't get mad, okay? But before I went to the museum I went down to the railroad tracks
	with some of my friends, and they were putting pennies on the tracks and watching them
	get squished, but I didn't do that because you told me never to waste money.

 Kelly smiles proudly.

AL	But a key isn't money, is it, sweetheart?

KELLY	[still smiling proudly] No.

 Kelly shakes her head and laughs.


 Kelly takes the very flattened key out of her pocket and holds it up for Al to see.

KELLY	It's kinda awesome when you think about it, huh? The pressure it took to do this...

AL	[whimpering] Mm-hmm... but how am I gonna get out of here now?

KELLY	I thought about that too. All we have to do is take the lock, put it on the tracks and
	squish that too. Then the key should fit.

 Al gives Kelly a long look.

AL	I have a better idea, sweetheart. Since the lock is attached to the goal post, why don't
	you go down, stand on the railroad tracks and try to get them to bring the train over

KELLY	Gotcha.

 Kelly heads for the car.

KELLY	Oh, oh, daddy, one more thing. If you see a brown bug with three sixes on its belly,
	that's the African pang. It's very deadly, so run for your life, okay? Bye!

 Kelly gets in the car, starts it and drives off. Al looks around nervously and tries to run off,
 only to find he's still chained to the goal post. He shakes a fist in Kelly's direction.

AL	Oh well, one killer beetle loose in a city this size... what are my odds of getting bit?
	I mean, even my luck couldn't be that bad.

 Al looks around and turns around to pee. We see a large bug on his back.



 The field, next morning.
 Al is sleeping on the grass, hand still chained to the goal post. His face is covered with
 insect bites. We hear his dream. In it, an announcer is talking over the sound of a zealous

ANNOUN	[V.O.] Ladies and gentleman, announcing your all-time, all-pro America's Dream Team.
	Quarterback: Joe Namath. Halfback: Jim Brown. Fullback: Al Bundy.

 Al smiles. We hear the crowd chant "Al Bundy, Al Bundy". The chants fade into the voice of
 Marcy, who is standing over Al.

MARCY	Al Bundy! Al Bundy! Al Bundy!

 Al wakes up and looks up.

AL	Oh. Marcy. Thank God it's you. I thought the goal post had grown unsightly stubble.

 Al gets up.

MARCY	Y'know, I admire you, Al. I didn't think you'd last this long.

 Marcy looks at her watch.

MARCY	The ground breaking is in a couple of hours, and a squirming shoe salesman under a
	bulldozer will not look good in the papers, so we're prepared to make you an offer.

AL	An offer? You mean money? Al Bundy is not for sale. I'm not standing here for myself
	alone, but for every guy that ever scored a touchdown. 

 Marcy holds up a fast-food meal.

MARCY	Oh, look. A double cheeseburger with fries.

 Al stares at the meal a beat, then overcomes the temptation and continues his speech.

AL	For every dad that ever took his kid to a game. For every man that ever married the
	wrong woman.

 Marcy continues holding the meal close to Al's nose.

AL	Is there bacon in there? [then] I don't even care if those are curly fries! Are they
	curly fries?

 Marcy nods.

AL	[fighting back the temptation] Never mind! I stand fast. If you want to build a factory
	here you'll have to build it over me.

MARCY	Alrighty. [to someone offscreen] Plow him under!

 A bulldozer slowly nears Al, encouraged by Marcy. Al recoils in horror.

AL	[to Marcy] I'll always have my memories. What is the offer?

MARCY	This burger.

AL	Done.

 At Marcy's signal, the bulldozer stops and a construction worker comes and clips Al's chain. Al
 takes the fast-food meal from Marcy.

MARCY	Gee, Al, those insect bites look pretty nasty.

AL	Insect bites? Well, thank God. I thought they were hickies from that bum over there.

MARCY	I'll tell you what I'll do. Insofar as I'm moving out of the neighborhood and will
	never see you again, I'll take you to the hospital. 

AL	You'd do that for me?

MARCY	Sure, but I just had my car detailed, so climb in the trunk.



 The Bundy living room.
 Peggy, Bud, Buck, Kelly and the D'Arcys are watching the news. Bud and Buck both have huge
 animal ears. Bud scratches under one of his ears and twitches his leg in tandem.

TV ANN	[V.O.] And in an ironic twist of fate, it took the near death of plant protester / 
	women's shoe salesman Al Bundy to halt the construction of the proposed Haguar plant,
  	when it was determined that the bites covering his body were caused by the rare and
        poisonous African pang beetle.

 Kelly reacts. We see the reporter from before standing in the field on TV.

TV ANN	Though no one gave a damn about Mr. Bundy's protest, environmentalists insist the Polk
	field must now be protected, since this useless but endangered insect has apparently
	established a colony there.

 We go back to the Bundy living room.

JFRSN	I can't believe it. I mean, how did these beetles get here from Africa, anyway?

KELLY	[nervously] Well, there's no way they could've escaped from the Institue of Bugs and
	Vermin, 'cause - 'cause that place is a fortress.

TV ANN	Plans for the Haguar factory have officially been moved to Canada, with a loss to this
	community of 21,000 jobs and millions of dollars.

 Everyone watching hang their head.

TV ANN	[V.O.] The plant would have benefitted every segment of the economy, from housing to shoe
	sales. Truly, this is a story with no winners - only losers.

 They all turn their heads to look at Al, who is sitting happily in an isolated plastic tent near
 the kitchen, wearing a robe and tossing a football. The frame freezes as he gets in throwing

Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis


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