VALENTINE'S DAY MASSACRE
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck....................Buck The Dog
Julie Conrad Douglas....Crystal
Peggy is at the kitchen table, which is covered in Valentine's Day cards. Kelly comes downstairs
and joins her.
KELLY Hey, Mom. Whatchya doing?
PEGGY Oh, I'm just looking through the Valentines I've gotten from your father over the years.
He was really quite the romantic in his day.
Peggy hands a card to Kelly.
KELLY [reading] "I like coffee, I like tea. I like you, I like me."
PEGGY He was really stuck on us. [continues sorting] Ohh, here's something you don't see every
KELLY What, a Valentine's for Bud?
PEGGY Yes. [gives it to Kelly]
KELLY Oh wow. It's never even been opened.
PEGGY Well, hold it up to the light, see who it's from.
KELLY Oh, good idea.
Kelly takes the card out of the envelope, opens it and holds it up to the light, to read it.
KELLY Bernice Windchester... Hey, I remember this. Bernice gave it to me and I was supposed to
give it to Bud.
KELLY Six years ago.
PEGGY Well, you can just give it to him today. Unless he's gotten some new ones.
KELLY Well, we'll know soon. I think I hear him checking the mailbox now.
BUD [o.s.] Damn you! Damn you all! Damn the whole... damn world.
KELLY I'll give it to him today.
Bud enters. He holds the empty mailbox and looks depressed.
BUD I take it there's no mail?
KELLY Well, actually, you got a Valentine's Day card.
BUD Yeah right.
Bud starts walking upstairs.
PEGGY Bud, there really is a card here for you.
BUD [excitedly] Really, Mommy? Really? [he begins to open it] It's not another one from
Grandma? Or [to Kelly] Buck?
Buck lifts his head up lazily.
BUCK Hmm, what? Dinner? No? Okay.
Buck puts his head back down.
KELLY Listen, before you open it, there's something I should tell you. Now, I was supposed to
give this to you six years ago, but I forgot. Well, 'cause quite frankly, you repulsed
me. [Bud gives her a look and opens the card] Oh, come on, Bud, it's just a stupid
Valentine's card, it's not like you missed out on some once in a lifetime opportunity.
Bud reads the card.
BUD "Dearest Bud. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity." [Kelly cringes] "My parents
won't be home tonight, and I need you more than anything. Please don't stand me up, it
would destroy me. Love, Bernice Windchester."
Bud looks threateningly at Kelly, who smiles nervously.
BUD Kelly, do you know who Bernice Windchester is?
KELLY Yeah, she's a girl we went to school with who liked you, and, coincidentally, got kicked
in the head a lot during soccer.
BUD Not quite, Miss Festival Seating. For your information, Bernice Windchester is now
KELLY Crystal Brooks, the pop star??
PEGGY And she likes our Bud? [off Bud's look] I mean, of course she likes our Bud. Who
wouldn't? Bud sizzles.
BUD Well, I'm gonna find Crystal. I'm gonna find her and tell her I never got her card!
Al enters and hangs up his coat.
AL Peg, something weird's going on. Dogs are going wild, men are openly weeping and women
are storing chocolate in their cheeks. Is it Winter?
PEGGY Al, do you know what day it is today?
AL [quickly] Well, sure I do. It's, it's our anniversary.
PEGGY It's Valentine's Day. I take it you got me nothing.
AL Ah, come on, Peg, I knew it was Valentine's Day. I got you something right here... [he
frantically digs around in his pockets and pulls out a dollar bill] I got you this here
dollar. Now, this dollar... is a special dollar Peg. Uh, 'cause if you see, the serial
number ends in a... D, and D means Happy Valentine's Daaayyyy. Daaayyy, Peg.
PEGGY [snatching the dollar] You stink, Al. Stiiiiinnnk.
AL It's the smell of fear, Peg.
PEGGY Come on, honey. You were so romantic in high school. [picks up a card and gives it to
Al] Why, just look at this.
AL [reading] "I love your hooters, I love your ass. What's say we meet after class?" [both
smile] I was the silver tongue devil, wasn't I?
Al and Peggy giggle.
PEGGY I want you to be like that again.
AL Well, Peg, I want you to be like that again.
Peggy gets up and heads for the stairs.
PEGGY Oh, never mind.
AL Well, what's the matter, Peg?
PEGGY I want romance.
AL Well, what is romance?
PEGGY You figure it out!
She continues upstairs.
AL That takes me back to the honeymoon. Don't tell me what's romantic, I know what's
Kelly enters from the kitchen. Al follows her to the couch.
AL Kelly, what's romantic?
KELLY Daddy, you know. Women like candy and flowers and cards... and not the kind with some
naked fat chick on it going, "I know it's around here somewhere."
AL I liked that one.
The doorbell rings.
KELLY [going to the door] Daddy, it's Valentine's Day. Women like men to be sweet and
Kelly opens the door to her date, Mayhem.
MAYHEM Whoa babe, your knobs look huge. You ready?
KELLY Yes, and don't call me "babe". Daddy, this is my Valentine's date, Mayhem.
Kelly and Mayhem leave.
They pass Jefferson, who enters with a box of chocolates and a bunch of flowers.
JEFFRSN Ah, to be young and free. Ah, what the hell. I'm good-looking and kept. Ha.
He puts his gifts on the armchair and sits next to AL.
AL Ah, Jefferson, you Judas. You knew the beast of all holidays was upon us. Now where can
I go get some Valentine's Day crap?
JEFFRSN Look, Al, it's seven-thirty on Valentine's Day. The malls are picked clean.
Bud comes downstairs.
BUD Hey, Mr. D'Arcy.
BUD Dad, you tell Kelly I found Crystal Brooks. She's performing here in town and she's
staying at the Emperor Hotel. I'm gonna go see her and set things straight. Ha ha,
witchy woman, bite me.
AL Did you get that?
JEFFRSN Ah, yeah, he wants Emperor Crystal to bite him. Anyway, look, Al, here's what you better
do, you better get thee to the Valentine's Store.
AL [getting up] Good idea!
Al leaves, but he comes straight back in and sits down again.
AL What's a Valentine's Store?
JEFFRSN Well, it's a specialty shop that caters to rogue husbands like you. It's a little more
expensive. Their motto is, "you're so desperate we don't need a motto." Ah. Well, next
time, you ought to think and shop ahead like me.
Jefferson reaches for his Valentine's gifts only to find that they have disappeared.
Bud steps out of the elevator with Jefferson's chocolates and flowers.
He walks down the corridor only to meet with Crystal's tall, hunky bodyguard.
BUD Good day, uh, good day, my good man. Uh, would you be so kind as to tell Miss Brooks
that Bud Bundy's here at last, here at last, Thank God Almighty, he's here at last.
The bodyguard does not respond in any way.
BUD Well, I see someone's "Hooked On Phonics" tape was lost in the mail. No problem. [speaks
slowly and clearly] You tell Miss Brooks that Bud is here, and there's a cool nickel in
it for ya. Now what do you say?
The bodyguard smiles slyly.
Bud, screaming, is then sent flying on a cart down the corridor back into the elevator. He
crashes into some people inside the elevator, one of whom punches Bud in the face as the cart got
him in the crotch.
Bud, now dishevelled and carrying the broken and torn flowers and chocolates, staggers down the
corridor to meet the bodyguard again.
BUD Hello again, my good man. I think perhaps you mistook me for either one of Miss Brooks'
eager young groupies, or something made by Whammo. Now, if you'll notice, I have here a
hand-written card from our Miss Brooks that should prove beyond a doubt that not only do
I know her, but one time could've even boinked her. Now, you have three seconds to
GUARD [o.s.] It's Bud Bundy!
Bud is once again sent flying down the corridor on the cart and into the elevator. There are two
wrestles inside, one of whom gets hit in the crotch.
The Valentine's store. Al is standing around with some other men, including one named Mac.
An man with an accent named Omar is auctioning off some chocolates.
OMAR I have here this last box of twelve bite-size assorted chocolates. [The men all "oooh"]
The opening bid is twenty-five dollars.
MAC Get a move on, Omar, it's after nine.
OMAR In that case the opening bid is thirty-five dollars.
AL [copying Omar's accent] Tirty-five dollars!
OMAR Do I hear forty-five?
OMAR Do I hear sixty-five?
AL [reluctantly] Seventy-five.
OMAR Do I hear eighty-five?
MAC Oh, I'll...
As Mac raises his hand to bid again, Al elbows him in the stomach.
OMAR Sold! To the... shoe salesman?
AL [hissing] Yes.
OMAR For seventy-five dollars.
AL I won! I won! I bought chocolates for seventy-five dollars. Gimme.
Omar hands Al a single piece of chocolate.
The elevator opens and a bellboy steps out, carrying a bottle of champagne in a bucket.
A hand reaches out and grabs the bellboy and yanks him out of view.
The scene flips, and now Bud is dressed as the bellboy and carries the champagne. He stops
outside a room, and prepares to meet the bodyguard again.
BUD Okay, Sasquatch. It's checkout time.
The door Bud is standing in front of opens and a rather large, flashy woman named Rita steps out.
RITA Oh good, they sent a cute one this time.
BUD Huh? Wha? Oh, for the love of God, no! No!
Rita pulls Bud into her room and shuts the door.
BUD [o.s.] Help me-eee!
Rita puts a Do Not Disturb sign on her door. Inside, a lot of commotion is heard.
BUD [o.s.] Mommeeeeeeeee!!!
The Valentine's store.
A ding sounds, and the "Now Serving" sign moves on.
GRETA Now serving number 2009.
AL That's mine! [approaches the elderly lady Greta at the register] I'd like uh, one dozen
GRETA [calling] One bouquet of wallet-breakers.
Two policemen step out holding the roses.
GRETA Okay sir, now how do intend to pay? Cash, cheque or deed to your house?
AL Do you take blood?
Greta smiles and points to an extremely pale, old man in the corner who is giving blood.
AL What can I get for fifty bucks?
Greta holds a packet of seeds up to show Al and puts them in pot.
Bud comes out of Rita's room. He is again dishevelled.
BUD Now I know how Tom Arnold feels.
As Bud walks back to the elevator, a posh lady named Betty comes out of the next room.
BETTY Well, it's about time you got here. You must walk my Winky.
BUD I'm not your bellhop. You can walk your own Winky.
BETTY I'll pay you fifty dollars.
BUD Here, Winky. Here, Boy. [whistles]
Betty gives Bud the money and hands him a leash. Bud takes the leash and then Winky, a huge
Doberman, runs out of the room and takes Bud for a run around the hotel.
The William Tell Overture plays.
BUD Whoa, boy, whoa. Winky!
Bud keeps screaming as he is dragged towards the elevator. The doors open and a women holding a
cat is inside. Winky barks, the cat hisses. Bud is dragged into the elevator and the doors close.
At the valentine's store, several men are beating each other up and they try to claim to last
available card. Al manages to secure it, but is still punched a few more times.
"My Funny Valentine" plays.
The bodyguard is reading a newspaper.
A food cart rolls down the corridor of the hotel. There is a hamburger on top. It rolls towards
the bodyguard. He spies the burger. As looks around behind him, the cart rolls backwards. The
bodyguard steps towards it. As he looks around again, the cart rolls backwards; in front of
Rita's door. The bodyguard takes the burger and begins eating.
Bud appears for underneath the cart. He sees the bodyguard eating the burger, then knocks on
Rita's door. She opens it.
RITA This is a good hotel!
Rita takes the hamburger and pulls the bodyguard inside the room with her.
GUARD Oh. oh. [noises are heard inside] Mommeeee!!!
Bud finally makes it to Crystal's door. He knocks on it. A pretty girl answers.
BUD Hi there. It's me, Bud Bundy. Well, I guess you don't recognise me 'cause I've bulked up
a little since the last time you saw me. Let me refresh your memory. Six years ago, you
sent me a touching Valentine which I never received until today. Now, I know we can
never be lovers... [he looks at her hopefully. She does not react] If it's any
consolation at all, I would've come over that night. And we would've made beautiful,
passionate, hot monkey love.
The girl looks back into the room.
GIRL Crystal? Someone's here to see you.
Bud looks confused as the real Crystal steps out.
BUD Hi there. It's me, Bud Bundy. I guess you don't recognise me -
CRYSTAL I heard you, Bud. It was a long time ago. I've moved on.
BUD Well, so have I. I have plenty of women in my life, too. Just five minutes ago I had...
group sex. Look, I-I just came to apologize. I, I guess there's nothing else to say.
Good luck with your career. I'm going to college myself. Unlike people who go to college
together. No chance on that lover thing?
BUD I guess I'll see ya.
The bodyguard, dishevelled, comes out of Rita's room just a Bud leaves Crystal.
BUD Don't bother -- I'll throw myself out.
Bud grabs his own collar. Rita appears in her doorway.
GUARD Oh, right behind ya!
The bodyguard also grabs his own collar and runs out after Bud.
Peggy and Marcy are sitting on the couch.
MARCY Oh, so what if Al forgot Valentine's Day. He's not an elephant, he's a pig. Besides,
Valentine's Day is degrading. It's just another commercial holiday made up by Merlin
Olson and the Hershey candy mob to fatten their wallets on our guilt. It's just
PEGGY Is Jefferson getting you anything?
MARCY If he knows what's good for him. I would've gotten him something too, but I seem to have
misplaced my credit card.
Jefferson enters. He is holding a crystal penguin with a red ribbon on it.
JEFFRSN Happy Valentine's Day, honey.
MARCY Oh, Jefferson. [Jefferson gives Marcy her present and a kiss] A crystal penguin. It's
beautiful. Must've cost a fortune.
JEFFRSN Hey, price means nothing to me.
Jefferson pulls out a credit card and drops it on the floor
JEFFRSN Say, uhh, isn't that your credit card?
MARCY [picks it up] Why yes! Oh, this is my lucky day. Let's go home, honey, because I have a
special Valentine treat for you too.
JEFFRSN Eh, what's that?
MARCY Well, that all depends on whether or not this bird was charged on my credit card.
Marcy walks out. Jefferson follows her.
JEFFRSN Marcy, it's not me, it's the voices! They compel me!
Kelly comes downstairs.
KELLY Hi Mom.
PEGGY Kelly, I thought you were out with Maytag.
KELLY Mayhem. He was my eight o'clock date. My real date is Pinworm. He's picking me up at
eleven. Well, if he makes bail.
Al, bruised and battered, enters.
AL Happy... what is it?
PEGGY Valentine's Day.
AL Valentine's Day! [he sits next to Peg and gives her the gifts] Here's your... Here's
your candy, here's your card... and if you get this in the ground by Spring, here's your
Peggy sniffs the seeds.
PEGGY Bean sprouts! [she giggles] Oh, Al, you're wonderful.
She kisses him on the cheek.
AL You're a little slice of heaven yourself. Can I go now, Peg?
PEGGY Oh, let's go upstairs together.
Peggy takes Al's hand and leads him up.
AL Hey, no, wait, we had a deal - no sex!
PEGGY That was on Easter.
AL What's this??
AL Oh, Peg!
Peggy drags Al upstairs.
Bud enters, rubbing his neck.
KELLY Hey, Bud. What happened with Crystal?
BUD Well, I apologized, she understood, and then her bodyguard skee-balled me the entire
length of the building. [he puts an icepack on his neck] I did, however, meet a lovely
woman named Rita. And I learned something: in space, no one really can hear you scream.
KELLY Bud, I'm really sorry. Listen, if anyone ever gives me a love note for you again, I
promise I'll deliver it, okay?
BUD And you're not just saying that because you know I'll never get one?
Kelly hangs her head.
Bud goes upstairs just as the doorbell rings. Kelly answers it to Crystal.
CRYSTAL I'm Crystal Brooks.
KELLY Oh, hi.
CRYSTAL Is Bud here?
KELLY Yeah, do you want me to get him?
CRYSTAL No, I've got to get to my concert. Howie Mandel opens for me and the crowd hates it when
I'm late. [hands Kelly a note] Will you please give him this message. Tell him to meet
me at the hotel after the concert.
KELLY Don't worry, I will.
CRYSTAL If he stands me up this time, he's had it.
KELLY Okay. Bye.
KELLY [calling] Hey, Bud?
BUD [o.s.] Yeah?
Kelly's date, Pinworm, arrives at the door.
PINWORM Whoa, babe, you're butt looks bitchin'. You ready?
KELLY Yeah. Wait, there was something I was supposed to do. [taps her head with Crystal's note
as she thinks] Oh, my coat. [gets her coat] I would forget my head if it wasn't attached
to... Oh, I forgot what it's attached to.
Kelly and Pinworm leave.
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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