0817 (175)


Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Marcy D'Arcy...............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Jefferson D'Arcy...........Ted McGinley
Buck.......................Buck the Dog

Guest Cast:

Officer Dan................Dan Tullis, Jr.
Bill Ellis.................Todd Susman
Lisa.......................Stefanie Ridel
Fanatic....................Richard Assad
Japanese Business Man......Michael Hagiwara
Criminal...................Bert L. Cook
Mobster #1.................David Graubard
Wino Gal...................Maray Ayres
Wino Guy...................William Bookston



 Bud comes in to the living room, holding hands with a girl named Lisa.

BUD    Well, here we are, my dear: Casa De Bundy, otherwise known as "Home of
       the Whopper."

LISA   I don't know, Bud. What if your parents come in?

BUD    Relax, babe. They're in Milwaukee. It's the first stop on Oprah's Fat-a-
       Palooza tour. They're displaying the weight she lost in giant glass
       jars. Many giant glass jars. They're taking the Dodge. Actually, it's
       Dodgenstein - made from the parts of other dead Dodges. Now...

 Bud claps his hands and music starts playing. He holds Lisa's hands.

BUD    What say me and you slip out of these dry clothes and into a wet me and

 Lisa sighs and claps her hands. The music stops.

LISA   But what if your sister comes in?

BUD    I wouldn't worry about her. I've given her a little task.

 Kelly comes in from the garage, holding a "Where's Waldo" book.

KELLY  [calling out] Waldo? [to Bud] Okay, he's not in the garage, that much we

BUD    You just keep looking, Kel. You're doing a great job.

KELLY  I know: maybe he's upstairs.

BUD    Maybe so, maybe no. That's what makes finding Waldo such a great game.

KELLY  Well, he can run, but he can't hide, 'cause no one can outsmart me once
       I start using the old gray matress.

 Kelly points to her head. She goes upstairs.

BUD    [to Lisa] That's my sister Kelly. She's, ah... very special. Now where
       were we? 

 Bud claps his hands and the music starts again. Lisa claps her hands to stop it.

LISA   I'm scared, Bud. I mean, you don't know how strict my dad is. Last time
       I got caught like this, I was grounded for six months, and the team
       couldn't go to the Rose Bowl.

Bud gives her a strange look.

BUD    We can't get caught! Come here.

 Bud leads Lisa to the couch and they sit down.

BUD    Listen, why don't we put those pretty little lips to something more
       useful, like me?

 Bud and Lisa start to kiss. Al and Peg come in.

PEG    Lisa Pruner. I am telling your father.

LISA   [to Bud] Can't get caught, huh?

 Lisa slaps Bud on both cheeks and the song "Lonely Boy" starts playing again.
 Lisa runs outside. Al sits on the couch next to Bud, smiling widely. He claps
 his hands to stop the music.

AL     Women. Can't live with 'em... the end.

BUD    What happened to the tour?

PEG    Well, your father hit a speed bump, and the Dodge couldn't make it to
       the top. It was awful, Bud. We rolled backwards uncontrollably, sometimes
       reaching speeds upwards of two miles an hour. Fortunately, we were
       jolted to a halt by an anthill, which survived the impact.

AL     You know, Peg, I'm starting to sense you're not too fond of the Dodge.

PEG    No, Al. I'm not too fond of war and injustice. I freakin' hate the Dodge.

 Peg sits on the couch.

PEG    Now look, I know I've said this before, but this time I'm serious: I  
       want you to sell that car.

AL     Sell the Dodge? My Dodge? I will never sell the Dodge, Peg. 

 Al gets up.

AL     That car is tied up with some of the greatest memories of my life. Why,
       who can forget the tailorgate party before the Bears' championship game?

PEG    Oh, the game we missed because the engine caught on fire?

AL     Okay, well, how about that Christmas at the lake?

PEG    You mean Christmas IN the lake, when the brakes failed.

AL     Fine. Well, how did you get to the hospital when Bud was born?

PEG    Taxi.

AL     And why? Because I drove to the pool hall in the Dodge!

 Kelly comes down the stairs holding the "Where's Waldo" book and walks over
 to Al.

KELLY  Daddy, I need your help. Listen, I'm hot on the trail of this weird guy
       named Waldo. 

 Kelly opens the book and shows it to Al.

KELLY  Have you seen him?

 Al gives Kelly a long look.

AL     [to Peg] She's gonna be with us till we die, you know!

PEG    She's not important right now, Al. Now look, what is wrong with getting
       a slightly newer car? I hear they're coming with all these new fancy
       options these days. You know, like dashboards, and paint...

AL     Just more things to go wrong. Listen to me, Peg: you can nag, you can
       cry, you can whinny, bleat and moo, but I will never sell the Dodge.

The scene flips to:



 Al and Jefferson are sitting at the kitchen table holding beer bottles. Al 
 has a notepad in front of him and there is a "For Sale" sign on the table.

JEFF   Finally selling the Dodge, huh?

AL     Yeah. It's like giving up one of your children, but none of the joy.

JEFF   Well, for my money, you still can't beat a European sports car. Marcy
       and I are nuts about ours. Rack-end pinning steering, four-wheel
       independant suspension, and 310 of the sexiest Euro ponies that ever
       hurdled a Yankee from zero to sixty in under five seconds. 

 Jefferson chuckles and pounds the table.

JEFF   Oh man, what a car.

AL     Where is it?

JEFF   It's in the shop.

AL     Still? Jefferson, you've had the car five months. It hasn't been off the
       rack yet. What's wrong with it?

JEFF   Well, they don't know, but it's something very sophisticated, very
       expensive and very very Euro. [laughs] I'm telling you, I'm on top of 
       the world with that car. You can ask anybody on the bus how happy I am.

 Al jots down something in the notepad.

JEFF   So how's your ad coming?

AL     Done. Here.

 Al hands Jefferson the notepad.

JEFF   [reading ad] "Used car of indeterminate year. Forced to sell by used
       wife, also of indeterminate year." 4000 dollars?

AL     What? You don't think I can get 4000 dollars?

JEFF   I don't think you can get dollars.

AL     Jefferson, let me tell you something -

 Al is interrupted by Kelly, who walks by in the garden, shouting.

KELLY  Waldo! Waldo!

AL     Let me tell you something. I'm a salesman. Consequently, I know sales.
       When this ad hits the papers, baby, they'll be lined up around the
       block. Trust me.



 Al and Peg are sitting on the couch. Peg is reading a magazine. The doorbell
 rings. Al gets up and opens the door to a couple of winos.

WINO1  Hi. We're a couple of winos. We don't wanna drink and drive...

WINO2  So we wanna buy a Dodge. Here's... here's your forty bucks.

 The wino gal hands Al some bills.

AL     Forty? It was supposed to say "four thousand".

 The wino guy takes the money back from Al.
WINO1  Hey, we're not that drunk!
 Al closes the door.


 Al opens the door to two mobsters, one of whom is carrying what appears to be
 a corpse.

MOBSTR Does your trunk leak?

 Al closes the door.


 Al opens the door to two eastern-looking men in white robes. One of them is
 holding a ticking bomb and keeps looking at his watch.

FNTC   We've no time to haggle. We want car, and directions to Sears tower.
       Here's forty dollars.

 Al closes the door with fright.


 Al opens the door to Kelly, who is holding the "Where's Waldo" book. 

KELLY  Hi, I'm looking for a guy named -

 Kelly notices that it's Al.

KELLY  Daddy! Oh boy, I thought this house looked familiar.

 Kelly slaps her forhead. Al closes the door with despair.


 Al opens the door to a Japanese businessman.

JAPMAN Dodge. American motorcar.

 The man bursts out laughing. Al closes the door and sits on the couch
 next to Peg.

PEG    This is going well.

AL     You know what the problem is, don't you?

PEG    Sure. The blind don't drive.

AL     Too bad the mute don't marry.

 The doorball rings. Al gets up and opens it. A man in a black suit is
 standing outside.

BILL   Mr. Bundy, I'm Bill Ellis from the Dodge corporation. We just need to
       verify a couple of things about your ad.

AL     Listen, I know what you're going to say, but it wasn't my fault. I
       clearly told them seat, comma, then belts.

BILL   Oh, that's not important.

AL     I didn't think so either. Come on in.

 Bill Ellis comes in and sits in the chair.

BILL   [to Peg] Hello Ma'am. [to Al] Is it true she's gone over 999,000 miles?

 Al looks at Peg.

PEG    He means the car, you wildebeest.

 Al nods.

BILL   I'll get right to the point, Mr. Bundy. Congratulations. It's not every
       day that a Dodge reaches a million miles. This is something very special
       to us. You, Mr. Bundy, are very special to us, and we wanna be there on
       that momentus occasion when your speedometer reads all zeros.

PEG    You mean, you want us to be in a commercial?

BILL   Yes.

AL     Oh, fine. A lot of free publicity for you guys. What's in it for us?



 The set of the Dodge commercial.
 There is a red Dodge Viper parked in front of a fake tropical beach 
 background. A blonde model in a bikini is standing next to the car. Al, Peg 
 and Bill Ellis are standing nearby.

BILL   A 1994 Dodge Viper.

Al and Peg stare at it in wonder.



 Al is sitting inside the red Viper on the commercial set. He gets out and 
 walks over to Bill Ellis.

AL     Now, let me get this straight: when my Dodge goes over a million miles,
       you give me that car?

BILL   Well, first we wanna film your car crossing the one million mile mark,
       but after that, Mr. Bundy, the Viper is yours.

AL     Oh, Peg! I'm so happy I - I could shake your hand.

PEG    Al, it only has two seats! What about the kids?

AL     It's got a trunk... [to Bill] Oh, Bill, speaking of family, who's gonna
       play my young blonde wife in the commercial?

PEG    Hey! What about me?

AL     Well, you don't play my wife in real life. Besides, you hated the Dodge.

 All the executives on the set gasp.

PEG    I did not!

AL     Weren't you the one that got me that license plate holder that said "I'd
       rather be driving"?

PEG    Well, that just shows you how close I am to the Dodge. [to Ellis] We kid 
       like that all the time.

AL     Oh, no, Peg. You laughed at the Dodge. You mocked the Dodge. 

 Al walks over to the blonde model.

AL     She shot the Dodge, but she didn't shoot the deputy!

PEG    What does that mean?

AL     I don't know, Peg. I'm just babbling like this because I'm staring at
       her cleavage.



 Peg is sitting on the couch in the living room. Outside we can hear the Dodge
 driving back and forth. Marcy comes in holding an envelope.

MARCY  Peggy, what is going on? Al has been driving up and down the street for
       twelve hours.

PEG    Well, the Dodge people told him that when his speedometer hit all nines,
       to call them and they'd send out a camera crew. So, much like in bed, Al
       wants to get it over with as quickly as possible.

MARCY  Well, I still say a foreign car is the way to go. 

 Marcy sits on the couch next to Peg.

MARCY  You've gotta see the new pictures they sent of ours.

 Marcy takes some picture out of the envelope and holds them up for Peg to see.

MARCY  Here's the diagnostic crew waving at us in front of the big box they're
       gonna send it back to Stuttgart in.

 Al comes in.

AL     I did it, Peg. 999,999.9. The Dodge is ready for the commercial now. I
       even backed it into the garage. Think of it, Peg. Tomorrow I will drive
       out "Al Bundy, old Dodge owner", and drive back in "Al Bundy, Viper

MARCY  Yeah, but the bottom line is you'll still be Al Bundy. Tragic, isn't it?

AL     Marcy, I didn't see you come in. Pull up an egg, I'll be with you in a
       few minutes.

 Al walks over to the phone, picks up the receiver and dials.

AL     [on phone] Al Bundy here. The mighty Dodge is at all-nines. [listens] 
       Great! See you in the morning.

 Al puts the receiver back down.

AL     And now, to bask in the joys of anticipation; sweeter, some say, than
       the actual cash.

 Al sits on the couch and puts his right hand down his pants.

MARCY  You're so calm. I mean, if it were my Dodge, I'd be worried that
       lightning was gonna strike it, or a tree was gonna fall on it, even
       before the camera crew could get here. I wouldn't be able to sleep a
       wink. And here you've got twelve hours to go and you're not even nervous.

 Al chuckles.

AL     That's the difference between you and me, Marcy. I'm not the worrying
       kind. That, and if I do this -

 Al pushes his chest inwards with his hands.

AL     It appears that I have breasts.

MARCY  You don't need to do that.



 We see a shot of the Bundy house from outside in the night, with the caption
 "2 A.M."
 The viewpoint moves into the living room, where Al is sitting on the couch in
 his pajamas, eating. Peg comes down the stairs.

PEG    Al, what are you doing?

AL     That damn Marcy. She got me so worried something's gonna happen to the
       car, I can't sleep.

PEG    Well, I know what would help you sleep...

AL     Thanks, Peg. Now I can't eat!

 Al puts down his sandwich.

PEG    This is going well. I'm surprised you haven't called the police!

 Peg goes upstairs. Officer Dan comes in, with a criminal handcuffed to his arm.

DAN    Did someone call the police? We got a call about a shooting.

AL     Yes, I did, but I lied. See, I need someone to guard the Dodge, and a
       cop is cheaper than a Doberman.

DAN    [to criminal] Excuse me. I may need both hands to pound this guy into

 Officer Dan unlocks the handcuffs.

DAN    But if you ever take a shot at my partner again, you're going in.

CRMNL  Gotcha.

 The criminal runs outside.

AL     But you don't understand! I've got a terrible feeling something's gonna
       happen to my Dodge.

DAN    Al, how long have I known you? What, seven, eight years? I've arrested
       you, what, eleven, twelve times? You're a load in my pants, you know
       that, Al? No one wants your crummy car. No one even believes this house
       is occupied. Now, either go to bed, or let me blow you away, so I can go
       to bed.

 Officer Dan reaches for his gun but finds a doughnut in the holster.

DAN    On second thought, I gotta go. I might've left something at the doughnut

 Officer Dan starts to leave. Kelly and Bud come down the stairs, Kelly holding
 the "Where's Waldo?" book. 

KELLY  [to Officer Dan] Hold it!

 Officer Dan halts. Kelly looks in the book and then at Dan's face.

KELLY  Never mind.

 Officer Dan leaves.

BUD    Dad, it's two o'clock in the morning. Gotta take some tests tomorrow.

KELLY  Yeah, Dad. I gotta go to the doctor's too.

AL     Uh, kids - or should I say, "lackyeast of the Red Devil" - I need your
       help. The Dodge is in trouble.

KELLY  So? Who hasn't been?

AL     Come, my children - and Kelly - to the garage. We'll guard the Dodge.
       We proud Bundys three will guard against those who will pillage and
       plunder and joyride in the Dodge.

BUD    Do we get to drive the Viper?

AL     No!

BUD    Why should we help you guard the Dodge, then?

AL     Because we're family, damn it.

BUD    So are the Jacksons. Good night.

 Kelly and Bud go upstairs.

AL     Fine. I'll guard the Dodge myself.

 Al goes into the garage.

AL     Four hours. I can do that. First I'll open the garage door, let a little
       fresh air in.

 Al pulls down a lever and the garage door opens. Al takes a deep breath and
 starts to cough.

AL     Or out. Nothing like a little music to help pass the time.

 Al turns the radio on and we hear a country song playing.

RADIO  "And that's when my hound dog started looking good to me."

AL     Ah, who's the genius that let West Virginia become a state?

 Al turns the radio off.

AL     Okay. No problem. I'll just entertain myself with one of my many
       challenging hobbies.

 Al sits upright and pulls in his stomach.

AL     Marlon Brando.

 Al drops his head and lets his belly bulge out. He then sits back upright and
 pulls his stomach in again.

AL     Alfred Hitchcock.

 Al lets his belly bulge out, holds up his head and puffs his cheeks.



 Al is still sitting in the garage playing his game. It is morning.

AL     Elvis.

 Al lets his stomach bulge and then pulls it back in.

AL     Refrigerator Parry.

 Al lets his stomach bulge and then pulls it back in.

AL     Elizabeth Taylor.

 Al pulls his stomach in and out several times. The radio clock buzzes. 
 Al gets up.

AL     Six A.M.! I did it! I beat the night! They'll be here pretty soon. I'll 
       never have to work again.

 Al sits inside the Dodge and puts his hands on the steering wheel.

AL     [getting increasingly sleepy] I'll just drive my Viper. I'll drive it
       here and there. To and fro. Out and about. To my millions of fans, I'll
       be known as "La Grande Vipe". I'll be famous. I'll fight crime, if it
       doesn't scratch the paint...

 Al falls asleep. His arm slips and pushes down the gear lever. The Dodge starts
 rolling forward.



 The Bundy kitchen.
 Marcy, Jefferson, Peg, Bud, Kelly and a guy that looks like Waldo are all 
 gathered around the kitchen table.

BUD    Mom, he was so close. What happened?

PEG    Well, he fell asleep, and then the Dodge rolled out of the driveway.
       So now the speedometer reads 000000.9. Which means no commercial and no
       new car.

KELLY  How did he finally stop?

JEFF   Well, luckily, there was a brand new foreign car parked outside, which
       had finally been fixed but never driven.

MARCY  Well, it's good to get that first broad side out of the way.

BUD    Well, he still made it over a million miles, though. I mean, aren't they
       gonna give him anything?

PEG    Well, yeah. They gave him a car phone as a consolation prize. And you
       know, there's one thing you have to say about Al. He is determined not
       to let this little setback beat him.

 The phone rings. Peg gets up to answer it.

PEG    [on the phone] Hello, Al? Is that you?

 We see the Dodge driving in the desert.

AL     [V.O.] Hello, Peg. I'm here in Burnt Scrotum, New Mexico. And guess what:
       I'm over a thousand miles, babe. I'm gonna drive till I hit another 

PEG    [V.O.] And then you'll be home, Al?

AL     [V.O.] Then I'll be home, and the Viper will be mine. Do you hear me?
       Mine, I tell you! Mine! Mine!


The end credits features the Dodge still driving through the desert.

Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis


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