HONEY, I BLEW UP MYSELF
Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Marcy D'Arcy...............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Jefferson D'Arcy...........Ted McGinley
Buck.......................Buck the Dog
Patrick....................Michael Anthony Vaccar
The shoe store
Al is sitting opposite a fat woman named Enid, struggling to put a shoe on
her foot. Al picks up a spray can and sprays Enid's foot.
AL Okay, Enid, work with me here. Pull in... pull in your talons, we're
Al labors and finally manages to put the shoe on. They both sit back, panting.
ENID See? I told you I was a four.
AL No, ma'am. "Four" is what you'll have to yell when the shoe pops off
your foot. Are we finished here?
ENID Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.
AL I'll tell you what I'll do, then. We'll stand you in front of a mirror,
I'll begin strangling you. When you've reached the shade of blue that is
satisfactory to you, you yell "moo" and I'll stop.
ENID That's it! I'm taking my business elsewhere.
AL May I suggest Jenny Craig?
The fat woman gets up and leaves. On her way she shoves the shoe into the arms
of Aaron, who is just coming in, holding a package with cyan wrapping.
AARON So, how much do you figure you owe this store on commissions?
Al chuckles and takes the shoe from Aaron.
AL I'm not selling shoes for the money, Aaron. I'm in it to torture fat
women. Where've you been?
AARON To buy you a birthday present. Here.
Aaron gives Al the package and Al opens it and takes out a video cassette.
AARON It's "Hot Dog: The Movie".
AL I'd prefer "Hot Dog - the hot dog".
Al throws the cassette behind him.
AARON Well, that's due back at 10am tomorrow.
AL Yeah, I know how it feels. But at least you didn't sing "Happy Birthday"
to me. I hate that. Nothing to do but to stand there like an idiot till
the damn thing is finished. I hope I get through the day without someone
singing "Happy Birthday" to me.
Jefferson comes in and walks over to Al, singing.
JFRSN [singing] Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Al
Happy-py-py birthday to you.
JFRSN Hey, Aaron.
AARON Hey, Mr. D'Arcy.
JFRSN [to Al] Anyway, Marcy and I just wanted to wish you many happy returns.
Actually, Marcy wanted to wish you you get caught down wind from your
own feet and die, but "I" wanted to wish you many happy returns.
AL Oh, thanks, Jefferson. Oh, and if you see the wife - floor it.
Jefferson fishes out an envelope from his jacket pocket and hands it to Al.
JFRSN Here you are, buddy. Happy birthday.
AL What's this?
JFRSN It's a car wash coupon.
AL Well, thanks, Jefferson, but you know they won't let me go through the
car wash in the Dodge.
JFRSN Not a regular wash, Al. This is a topless car wash.
Al opens the envelope and takes the coupon out.
AL [reading from coupon] "Soapy Headlights - where only the cars wear
Al hugs Jefferson.
JFRSN And it's conveniently located just seventy miles out of town, at the
end of a long dirt road.
AARON But I don't understand: both of you guys are married. Can't you just
look at your wives topless?
Al and Jefferson both look at Aaron weirdly.
AL Have you seen his wife?
JFRSN Have you seen his wife?
Al walks over to Aaron.
AL Aaron, let me explain something to you. When you've been married as
long as I have, you do not want to see your wife topless. Speechless,
maybe. Headless, naturally. But never ever topless.
JFRSN Come on, Al. Marcy's car could use a good buffing.
JFRSN As could I. Come on, let's go now.
AL No, I can't. I promised I'd go home for my birthday party. 'Course
that's where the kids are gonna give me a lot of godawful presents.
You know, sometimes I think that there actually might be a store out
there with presents just for me that's named "Godawful". And then to
top horrors, Peg is probably gonna make me a cake as only she can.
Peg is standing by the kitchen table, pouring whipped cream over a ready-
made cake's cardboard box. Bud is standing next to Peg and Kelly is sitting
at the kitchen table. Both are holding presents.
KELLY Mmm, cake looks good this year. What kind is it?
PEG Well, it's either chocolate or Uncle Ben's Minute Rice. Now do we have
BUD Nope. Dad said no candles this year, because of last year's little mishap.
KELLY Hey, I just thought that Roman candles meant that they were imported.
You know, from Romany.
BUD It's amazing. Dad's looks and Buck's brains.
BUCK At least I've never tried to date one of my plastic toys.
BUD So what did you get Dad this year, Mom?
PEG Well, I was in the mall, and there it was. There's this new photography
studio called "Sex You Up", and they specialize in boudoir photos. You
know, where they like lay you on a bed and dress you up real sexy...
BUD Oh, you mean like the picture on Kelly's driver's license.
KELLY That may be, but I've never gotten a ticket, now, have I?
PEG Gee, I hope I did the right thing. You know, he said what he really
wanted was an oil filter. But what's he gonna do with a silly thing
like an oil filter?
Al's car is heard backfiring outside.
PEG Daddy's home!
Peg, Bud and Kelly run to the door. Bud opens the door and smoke fills the
PEG Is it him?
BUD I can't tell. It's either Daddy or there's a new Pope.
Al comes in.
BUD Happy bir -
PEG Happy bir -
KELLY Happy bir -
AL Shut up! Well, let's get this charade over with. Where's my
BUD It's over on the table, Dad.
We see Buck licking the whipped cream off the cardboard box.
AL Anybody want to light the dog? I'll make a wish.
Al sits on the couch.
KELLY No, wait, Daddy, you've gotta open your presents first.
Kelly and Bud sit down next to Al and hold up their presents, smiling. The
word "Godawful" is written on the wrappings of both presents.
AL "Godawful". I knew it!
KELLY I really think you're gonna love this, Daddy.
BUD Happy birthday, Dad.
Kelly and Bud open their presents simultaneously to reveal two ties,
identical to the one Al is already wearing. Al takes the ties out of the boxes
and holds them up next to his own tie.
AL Two of something I don't want.
Al puts the ties back in their boxes.
AL That's the second time that's happened.
BUD Well, um, we can exchange them for you, Dad.
KELLY Okay, but I don't know what good it's gonna do.
Kelly switches presents with Bud and holds up the present, smiling. Al rubs
BUD Ahem. Excuse us.
Bud gets up and leads Kelly by the arm to the door.
BUD We can't be related.
Bud and Kelly leave.
AL So what did you get me this year, Peg? My usual "get out of sex free"
PEG No, honey. This year I got you something really special. Now I'm a little
nervous about this...
Peg sits on the couch next to Al and picks up a framed picture from the
PEG Happy birthday, Al!
Peg holds up the picture, which shows her lying down in a blue velvet robe,
for Al to see.
AL Oh, Peg!
PEG You like it?
Al takes the picture from Peg.
AL I love it! Who is she?
PEG It's me!
Al looks at the picture again with surprise.
PEG Now, come on, honey. Tell me what you really think.
AL Well, I... I think you look...
A frame appears around Peg's face, with the words "Wife-O-Meter" written at
the top. Below it is written "well, I think you look...". Four options and
their expected consequences appear successively on the screen:
A. Old - consqeunces: Groin pull... possible head trauma.
B. Good after ten beers - consequences: Groin pull. Definite head trauma.
C. Beautiful - consequences: Groin pull... after failure to keep straight
D. Nice - consequences: Meaningless compliment accepted. Meaningless marriage continues.
A red X appears after the first three options. A green tick appears after the
PEG Oh, Al.
Peg moves closer to Al and leans against him.
AL Whoa, Peg, please don't touch me on my birthday.
PEG Now, I want you to take this to work with you and hang it up, so I can
be with you all day long.
AL Well, that kinda defeats the purpose of going to work, doesn't it?
PEG No more than your paycheck does.
PEG Oh, I'm just kidding, you big birthday lug you. Now I'm gonna put this
right here, so you can remember to take it with you.
Peg puts the picture on the coffee table and gets up.
AL I'm not taking it! It's my birthday, I'm putting my foot down.
Al is hanging Peg's picture on the shoe store wall. Aaron is watching.
AARON So what's wrong with it? I think she looks... nice.
AL That's not the point. You know why women want men to hang up their
AARON So we appreciate -
AL No! It's to mark their territory.
Al hangs a bag to cover Peg's picture.
AARON Are you sure the reason you don't want that picture up there is so
other guys can't see how good she looks?
AL Oh yeah, that's it. You see, Aaron, I've been married to Peg for over
twenty years. I've seen her from the front, I've seen her from the back.
I've seen her in a chair, I've seen her in a sack. I've seen her stand,
I've seen her crouch, I've seen her on her stupid couch. I do not like
her in the mall, I do not like her in the hall. I do not like her in my
life, I do not like my big red wife! Listen kid, you're single, you
don't understand. See, married men are never jealous of their wives. That
picture could be up all over town. Wouldn't mean a hill of beans to me.
Behind Al, a huge ad for the "Sex You Up" studio with Peg's boudoir photo is
lowered into place outside the shoe store.
AL They could put it on the side of a milk carton, they could put it on
the side of the Sears tower. They can even put it on the side of -
Al turns around and sees the ad.
AL [with shock] Great Caeser's ghost!
Al, Aaron and Jefferson are standing by the shoe store window, looking at
Peg's enlarged photo.
JFRSN I'd do her.
AL Oh, you're a guy with high standards. You'd do Marcy! Jefferson, I gotta
get them to get that sign down.
JFRSN How come?
AARON He's jealous.
AL I am not jealous! I just respect other men's rights not to turn to stone
in front of my store, that's all. Now, Jefferson, I want - will you stop
leering at my wife??
AL Now listen, you're good at talking people into things. I mean, you
talked Marcy into believing you married her for her looks. Go to that
photographer and get him to take that sign down.
JFRSN Hey, maybe I can get him to replace it with this.
Jefferson takes a photo out of his jacket pocket and shows it to Al.
JFRSN Picture I took of the girls at the topless carwash.
AL Where's your car?
JFRSN Oh, I took the bus over there. As long as I went "vroom vroom vroom" as
I went through it, they didn't seem to know the difference.
Al pushes Jefferson outside impatiently.
AL Aaron, Aaron, it's very important that sign come down before Peg sees
it. What I want you to do is go outside and look for her, and yell when
you see her.
Peg, Bud and Kelly come in behind Al as he speaks. Aaron screams.
AL No, not her picture, not her picture, her.
Al turns, sees Peg and screams.
PEG Hi Al. Did you see it?
AL Yes, Peg, I saw it. Ray Charles would see it. But why is it up there?
PEG Well, the photographer asked if he could use one of my shots to
advertise his business. I just didn't think he was gonna make it that...
PEG Well, I was gonna say gorgeous. Kids, what do you think?
BUD Well, I think you look... nice.
KELLY [quietly to Bud] You could see her from space.
BUD You would know. Dad, we'd love to hang around and share your proudest
moment, but anything just came up and we gotta go.
KELLY Oh, wait. Before we do, we just wanna apologize for yesterday's little
birthday boo-boo. It's all fixed now. Here you go.
Bud and Kelly open the presents they're holding, to reveal to indentical blue
shirts just like Al's.
AL [chuckling] Kids, come. Come here now.
Bud and Kelly come closer to Al. Al puts his arms around their shoulders
and then bangs their heads together.
AL Get out.
Bud and Kelly leave, holding their foreheads.
KELLY Bye, Dad.
BUD [weakly] Happy birthday.
AL Now, Peg, I haven't asked for much, and God knows I've gotten it.
But I really think that picture oughta come down. Now, I like it myself,
but some people have been complaining about it.
A man named Dabbs walks by the store, looking at Peg's photo. He notices Peg
inside the store and walks over to her.
DABBS Excuse me, miss. Hope you don't think I'm being to forward, but you are
truly one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.
DABBS Now that I see you in person, that photograph doesn't do you justice.
Dabbs kisses Peg's hand.
DABBS It's been a pleasure to bask in your presence. Good day.
AL See, Peg? I told you that people were complaining.
PEG You know what I think, Al? I think you're jealous.
AL Jealous, Peg? I'll tell you what I'm jealous of. I'm jealous of any man
who can come home after work to a cold beer and a warm meal. And a wife
somewhat smaller than the Bullwinkle balloon in the Macy's day parade.
But if you think for one second that I'm jealous of that picture, you're
out of your nine-foot mind!
Two men named Sloan and Patrick walk by the store and stop in front of Peg's
SLOAN Boy, I'd love to put the top down and test drive that for a weekend.
PATRIC Yeah. Nice airbags, too.
AL 'Scuse me, Peg.
Al goes outside, punches Sloan in the face and Patrick in the stomach, and
goes back inside the shoe store.
AL Now that we have this jealousy garbage out of the way, that picture
comes down. Aaron, get me a blowtorch.
PEG Only if you'll admit that you're jealous.
AL I'm not jealous!
PEG Fine! Then you won't mind if it stays.
AL Not if it doesn't bother you, it doesn't bother me. Other than that low-
PEG All right, then. I'll be seeing you. And you'll certainly be seeing me.
Peg starts to leave. A man in a long raincoat walks by Peg's photo, flashes
it and walks on.
PEG [to Al] Why can't you ever say nice things like that?
AARON Mr. Bundy, why don't you just tell your wife you're jealous and get it
AL Aaron, let me explain something to you: you don't know anything! Even if
a man is jealous, he can never ever tell that to a women. Why, that's
like saying: "Here's a hand granade, put it down my pants"! Once they
know you're jealous, they've got you by your bobbit. You have lost your
last ounce of dignity, and like the once-mighty Mahi-Mahi, you will end
up on a poo-poo platter in the Tikki Hut of life! Any questions??
AARON Do you wanna lay down for a while?
AL No! I don't have time to lie down. Gotta get that picture down. I know
Jefferson can do it. He can con anybody.
Jefferson comes in.
JFRSN Hey Al, guess what? The Sex You Up photographer said I've got the best
set of cheekbones outside of Rob and Fab of Mili Vanili. He's giving me
a thousand headshots for half price. And I'm not giving any of them away.
AL I know now what I have to do. Truly go where no man has gone before.
The D'Arcy living room.
Al is standing behind a counter, in front of a group of women. There is a
"F.A.N.G Feminists Against Neanderthal Guys" sign on the wall behind Marcy.
AL Fellow Fangsters. I come before you this evening not as a man -
The women clap their hands.
AL But as a friend who understands the plight of today's feminists. True,
we have had our differences in the past, but I have seen the light -
and luckily there's not too much in here.
All the women frown at Al.
AL But to prove to you that I have changed, I would like to extend an
olivebranch of peace. A symbol of truce. You ladies would recognize
them as moustache combs.
Al throws some moustache combs to the women, who remain frowning and
AL [chuckling] Everyone gets one. Anyway, ladies -
MARCY We prefer to be called Gyno-Americans.
AL Then Rhino Americans it is! Anyway, a grave injustice has been going on
down at the New Market Mall. A real woman's body is being exploited, by
men, for profit.
All the women gasp.
AL Now, hang on to your flannel panties, there is still time to act. I want
every gynoceros in this room to charge down to the New Market Mall and
stop this dastardly deed. Show them, as only you can, that a woman's body
is not to be appreciated, but to be feared, reviled, and, in the case
of most of you, kept totally covered at all times. Hurry, my sisters,
down to the mall. But remember: not more than three in the elevator at
Marcy steps behind the counter in front of Al.
MARCY What our hunting and gathering friend here is trying to say, is that we
have important work to do. We must strike a blow -
Marcy turns around and kness Al between the legs.
MARCY For all women. This cannot be a slap -
Marcy hits Al in the face with the back of her hand.
MARCY On the wrist. It must be a punch -
Marcy turns around again and punches Al in the stomach.
MARCY In the labanza to all oppressors. And thank you for bringing this to
our attention, Al.
AL [painfully] You're welcome.
MARCY Skin him.
The women get up and start advancing towards Al.
Al and Peg are sitting on the couch watching TV.
TV And in other news, crazed feminists charged the New Market Mall and
pulled down an oversized boudoir photo they deemed sexist. After
storming into a photographer's studio where local man Jefferson D'Arcy
was allegedly posing nude on a bareskin rug. Mr. D'Arcy was dragged
by an unnamed body part and flung into the mall fountain by the
Al turns the TV off.
AL Women. Can't live with them, can't herd them all into Canada.
PEG Al, did you have anything to do with those women taking down my picture?
AL Peg, on your mother's life: no. If there's anything I hate, it's women's
bodies being exploited. It has to stop for all our sakes, Peg.
Al gets up.
PEG How very liberated of you. Where are you going?
Al puts a pair of binoculars around his neck and walks to the door.
AL To the carwash.
Al is sitting on the couch. Bud and Kelly come in, holding presents.
KELLY Happy birthday.
AL Let me guess: Pants.
Bud and Kelly nod.
AL That look like this?
Al points to his pants. Bud and Kelly open their presents and inside both
are pants like the ones Al is wearing.
KELLY [to Bud] I told you he had pants.
BUD You didn't tell me he had gray ones like that.
Bud and Kelly start to leave.
KELLY Yes, I have seen him wear pants before!
Bud and Kelly exit.
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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