THE WORST NOEL
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog............Buck
No guest cast.
The Bundy Christmas tree - A single, small branch with a couple of baubles on it - is
placed on the desk.
Bud enters from the garage and sits on the couch next to Al, who is watching TV.
TV And now for your Christmas viewing pleasure, channel two presents...
AL Anything but "It's A Wonderful Life"!
TV ..."It's A Wonderful Life"!
Al changes the channel.
TV "It's A Wonderful Life"!
Al changes the channel again.
TV "It's A Wonderful Life"!
Al changes channels once more.
TV It's "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly"...
TV ... right after "It's A Wonderful Life".
Al can't believe it.
BUD Dad, it's Christmas Eve. Shouldn't you be out shoeing the homeless or something?
AL Quite the noble gesture, Son, but Christmas Eve is a time you should spend with
your loved ones.
Bud and Al sit quietly for a few moments.
AL I say that's enough time. Go away, I'm trying to watch TV.
BUD Dad, every year you and Mom sit here on the couch and end up fighting over what
to watch. Now, why don't you take her on down to Almost Steak and treat her to the
"All You Can Keep Down" Christmas Special.
AL Then where would we go for our anniversary?
BUD Dad, its Christmas Eve, there's nothing on.
AL Of course there is. I've got 40 channels here. The spirit of Christmas has got to
be on one of them.
Al selects a channel.
TV And now, live, the great ladies of the Squared Circle present Christmas Oil
Al laughs happily.
AL See that? [Looks at TV] Ooh, look at those chestnuts.
Bud gets up and meets Kelly at the garage door.
BUD He won't budge, Kel. What are we gonna do?
KELLY Well, you're the one who wanted to get them a big old jukebox for Christmas.
She points to the jukebox in the garage.
BUD Hey, if a really cool watch had fallen off the truck, I would've gotten them that
instead. I just hope they like it.
KELLY Well, they should. It's got all those geezer records on it. It's even got one from
way back when Cher used to sing with her son!
BUD Well, we can't leave it in this freezing garage all night.
KELLY Well, we can take it upstairs and hide it in one of our rooms?
BUD Oh, no problem. Just let me eat some spinach first.
KELLY We'll do it together. We'll just take it up behind Dad. Look, he's watching oil
wrestling, he seems to be pretty focused.
Al is watching the TV intensely.
AL She's down!! Her breasts are touching! Her breasts are touching!
BUD It's kind of nice to see Dad getting into the Christmas spirit. [quietly] Okay,
come on, let's do it.
Bud and Kelly go into the garage.
Peggy enters with a lot of shopping bags.
PEGGY Al, guess what I've got!
AL You got a Christmas present for me?
PEGGY Uh, no... But I can go back out again. Do you have any money?
AL Well, I was saving up for a bullet.
PEGGY That can be from me.
Peg sits next on the couch next to Al.
PEGGY Is this wrestling?
AL Uh no, Peg, it's C-SPAN. That's Sandra Day O'Connor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg
settling their differences. Of course it's wrestling!
PEGGY Well, you know, I don't really...
AL [cutting her off] Peg, hold it, I know what you're going to do. In a little while
you're going to say "is this all that's on?" then you're gonna make me change it
because you know I like it.
PEGGY Al, that's just not true. [a few moments later:] Is this all that's on?
AL Yes, Peg. It's Christmas Eve, it's all that's on and I like it.
PEGGY Well, change it.
Al changes the channel.
PEGGY Oooh, look, "It's A Wonderful Life."
AL Peg, I hate this movie.
PEGGY How can you hate "It's A Wonderful Life"?
AL Because it's a horrible life. You know the reason they never made a sequel?
Because when the guy came back he killed himself! And this time he took that angel
with him. This must be written by a woman. This stinks, it bites, it blows. But if
you wanna watch it, Peg...
PEGGY Oh, never mind, just turn it.
Al changes channel again.
AL See, told you there was nothing on. I'm going back to wrestling.
Al changes channels again.
Bud and Kelly are seen coming out of the garage behind Al and Peg, wheeling the jukebox on
PEGGY Honey, how come you never wrestle with me?
AL Because either I end up on top of you or you end up on top of me and either way
The jukebox is put down and it lands on Bud's foot. Bud reacts.
BUD [quietly, in pain] Kel!
BUD It's on my foot!
KELLY Which foot?
BUD The one that's as flat as your head, now help me back out the door with this
KELLY Your stocking's going to be as empty as your bed, young man!
Bud and Kelly push the jukebox back into the garage, but Bud pushes it too fast and Kelly
is heard screaming. A crash is also heard.
AL Damn carollers.
PEGGY You know, I have just one thing to say about oil wrestling...
PEGGY Do we have to watch this?
AL What is it, you look over and see a smile on my face, you say I can't have this?
PEGGY No, Al, I just thought it would be nice if we could enjoy something together.
AL We tried that on our honeymoon, Peg, remember how we cried?
PEGGY Just change the channel.
Al chooses different channels very quickly.
PEGGY Oh, now, now, there you go, you're going to fast. [Al doesn't stop] Come on, Al...
What was that? What was that? What was that??
AL [very quickly] A "Bewitched" with Dick York, not Dick Sargent, as Darrin; a
"Gilligan" where a gorilla came to the island; a "Full House" family Christmas
story when they were snowed in at the airport; and a study of the mating habits of
the Amazonian catfish with Phillipe, not Jacques, Cousteau.
PEGGY You can see all that, and yet you can't see the rim around the toilet?
AL I see what I wanna see, Peg.
Marcy pops her head in the front door. Music is heard coming from the D'Arcy house.
MARCY It's me!
Marcy enters carrying an esky.
AL And I don't want to see that. Marcy, are you having a Christmas party this year?
MARCY Nope, sorry. Uh, by the way, can I borrow some ice?
PEGGY Oh sure, help yourself.
Marcy walks over to the freezer.
AL You know, it's a damn shame you're not having that Christmas party. I had a good
time at that last one. Remember I got 95 cocktail weenies in my mouth?
MARCY Yeah, that was real funny, Al.
Marcy open the freezer door, and uses a hammer to smash the ice-filled freezer to get a
block of ice for her esky.
AL You know, I would've got 96 in there if I didn't have to sneeze. You remember the
look on your boss's face?! Ah, I wish you were having a party, I really enjoyed
it. It's a shame too, because I've got a whole new batch of dwarf jokes this year.
MARCY That makes me all the sadder that we're not. Uh, can I take this chair?
PEGGY Sure, go ahead.
Marcy takes one of the Bundy's kitchen chairs.
MARCY Uh, say, what are you guys doing for Christmas?
PEGGY Well, you know, I like to spend my time with the less fortunate, so I'll be
staying home with Al.
AL What about you guys?
MARCY Oh, nothing. Uh, we'll just be at home having a quiet evening.
Marcy opens the front door to leave. Music is heard from next door.
Somebody calls out to Marcy.
PERSON Hey, Marcy! Great blow-out!
Marcy smiles at the Bundys and leaves.
AL Damn shame about that party.
PEGGY Give me the remote.
AL Ah, here we go. Now I know what you're gonna do. You're gonna go real slow and
aggravate me. Please don't do this, Peg.
PEGGY I'll go fast, I promise.
Peggy turns the channel once and lets it play.
TV This is PBS. If you want more bad English television that your friends will insist
is better than bad American television, please send your pledges in either cash,
cheque or can food to...
AL Ah, Pookie?
PEGGY What, Al?
AL Just out of curiosity, why are we watching this?
PEGGY Well, you know, I've -
AL TURN IT!!
Peggy changes the channel once more.
PEGGY There. "I Love Lucy".
AL I hate Lucy. The real star was Fred. They should've killed off Ethel and Lucy and
that illegal alien... They should've made Fred a single guy and called it "Mertz's
World". But if you want to watch it...
In the backyard, Bud and Kelly are preparing their plans to lift the jukebox into Bud's
room. Bud has a rope.
BUD Alright, Kel, now look. This is what we're gonna do. You're gonna tie this rope
around the jukebox, I'm going to go upstairs, and you're ready, I'll pull it up.
KELLY Okay. We wouldn't be having this problem if we had just used a seesaw.
BUD We wouldn't be having this problem if Dad used a condom. Just tie it.
Bud gives Kelly the rope and she gives him a dirty look.
Bud walks around to the front of the house.
Inside, Al and Peg are still watching.
Someone on the TV is singing "Silent Night" horribly.
AL God, is that Michael Bolton screaming "Silent Night"? What's his next number gonna
be, "Hark the Hairy Angels Sings"?
PEGGY You know, you don't like anything.
AL Starting with you!
Bud enters the house and runs upstairs quickly.
BUD Merry Christmas!
PEGGY Who's that?
AL I don't know. Damn, I wish the D'Arcys were having a Christmas party this year!
Jefferson and a few other men enter, drinking beer. Music is still playing outside.
JEFRSN Do you mind if we just borrow the rest of these chairs?
AL Oh sure, buddy. No Christmas party this year, uh?
JEFRSN Oh, afraid not. Say, can we take the table?
JEFRSN Any beer?
AL Ah, gonna have sex with the wife tonight, eh? [The rest of the guys start taking
the chairs and table out] Oh, you'll need a couple of six-packs. You want a bag?
JEFRSN No, I'll just carry it.
AL No, I meant a bag for your wife.
Al and Jefferson laugh.
JEFRSN Eh, no, no thanks.
AL What are gonna do? Just stay home?
JEFRSN Yeah, yeah, just uh, [walking to the door] me and the little lady and your chairs
and table and stuff. See ya!
He leaves and joins the party.
AL You know, Peg, if I didn't know any better I'd swear they were having a party.
Outside, Kelly is finishing tying the rope around the jukebox.
Bud calls to her from his bedroom window above the patio.
BUD Alright Kel, did you tie the rope around the jukebox?
BUD Okay. Now toss it to me.
KELLY The jukebox?
BUD The rope, you lug nut.
KELLY Oh, gotcha. Ready? Okay.
Kelly throws the ropes to Bud, who catches it, and puts the end of it through a pulley
that is hanging to his window frame. He wheels the end of the rope down to Kelly while
keeping hold of it.
BUD Okay, now, pull on it and make sure it's tight.
KELLY Oh, alright.
Kelly looks at the two lanes of rope she has in her hands and pulls the end that Bud is
hanging onto very sharply.
Bud screams as he falls out of his window. Al and Peg don't notice as Bud lands
on the patio.
BUD Why did you pull on the rope that way?
He gets up.
KELLY [Cringing] Because I wanted to see if it was tight on your end too.
BUD [holding his head] Upstairs.
BUD Get upstairs.
Kelly runs around to the front of the house.
Inside, Al is watching Psycho Dad and singing along happily to the theme.
TV Who's that riding in the sleigh?
Who's that firing along the way?
Who's got the most popped on Christmas Day?
Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad, Psycho Dad...
AL Look, Peg, it's the Christmas episode of Psycho Dad!
PEGGY Oh, not again.
AL Peg, it's a classic. This is the one where you find out how he got the eight
reindeer heads on the walls of his cabin.
Kelly enters and runs hastily up the stairs.
KELLY Merry Christmas.
PEGGY Who was that?
AL I don't know.
PEGGY Al, I am not watching Psycho Dad.
AL Argh, Peg!
PEGGY I'm turning it!
AL Well then, I'm going to the bathroom.
Al gets up from the couch.
AL [to the camera] And I really hate this commercial.
Al comes down the stairs, looking suspicious.
He sits on the couch next to Peg, who is now wearing a party hat.
AL You know, I swear I heard noises coming from the D'Arcys. I think they got a party
going on over there!
PEGGY Oh, don't be silly, Al. You know if they had a party, they surely would've invited
AL Well, that's true...
Al slowly looks at the hat that Peg is wearing, looks away and looks back again.
AL Say, Peg... Did you have that hat on before I went to the bathroom?
Peggy realises she's wearing the hat.
PEGGY Uh... Why yes. Yes I did. You know what, Al Bundy? You never look at me.
AL Oh, yes I do. Yeah, I remember it now.
Peggy takes off the hat and quickly tosses it behind her.
AL Switch the channel, would ya?
Peggy changes channels.
PEGGY Ooh, the Christian Shopping Network.
TV Have your next supper on our Last Supper plates! Service for 13. Only $49.95.
Outside, Bud steps unknowingly into the coiled rope on the ground.
He starts fixing the rope. Kelly is in his room.
KELLY Okay, I'm ready. Hey, what are you doing?
BUD I'm gonna re-tie your knot. Now, don't lift it until I say.
KELLY Don't what?
BUD Lift it. [Realises, and looks at the camera] Uh oh.
Kelly pulls on the rope, causing Bud to hang upside down in the air.
BUD Kelly! Kelly, let me down, you moron! Let - me - down!
KELLY [Holding the rope] Okay...
BUD [to the camera] Uh oh.
Kelly lets go of the rope, causing Bud to crash down to the ground again.
He sits up, spitting out snow.
KELLY Are you down?
BUD Yes. And so are you!
Bud starts pulling the rope.
Bud's dresser is seen sticking out of the window.
KELLY Wait, don't pull it, Bud! I tied it to the....
Bud sees the dresser coming out of the window towards him.
The dresser is heard falling onto Bud. Only Bud's legs are seen from underneath it.
Meanwhile, Al and Peg are still watching TV.
TV And now, the Black Entertainment Channel presents "It's A Malcolm X-Mas."
AL Argh, come on, Peg! I can't stand it anymore. Give me the remote.
Al snatches the remote from Peg and changes channels rapidly.
PEGGY Al, you're going too fast again. Oh, this just isn't working. I go to slow, you go
too fast. Gee, what does that remind you of? Look, let's just try this together,
Al and Peg both hold the remote.
PEGGY Oh, now you're taking up more than half the remote.
AL Well, you're taking up more than half the couch!
They select a channel.
TV For those of you who missed the first 53 airings, NBC is proud to present
"Cheers", the final episode.
PEGGY What does "Cheers" have to do with Christmas?
AL What does NBC have to do with television?
AL Change it.
PEGGY Change it.
They change the channel.
AL Ah, not the Sally Struthers Feeds The Third World channel. Sally, open your purse
up. I'm sure there's enough ding-dongs and ho-hos in there to start a new 7-11!
It's all these starving kids need, someone like Sally standing there saying "Are
you gonna finish that?"
AL Change it.
PEGGY Change it.
They select another channel.
PEGGY Oh, this is the TV Movie version of "It's A Wonderful Life." It's from a female
perspective, starring Suzanne Plechette.
AL Who plays the female?
She is wearing a racy Santa dress outfit, fishnets, and a silvery wig with mistletoe
hanging off it. She is stinking drunk.
MARCY Merry Christmas!
She takes a sip from the drink she holding.
Marcy stands behind Al so that the mistletoe is hanging over his head.
MARCY Okay Al... Guess who's under the mistletoe!
She kisses him on the cheek.
AL Argh, she pecked me, Peg! [To Marcy] Now I know you're having a party over there.
MARCY [defensively] I am too! Do you have any contraceptives?
Al picks up a magazine and gives it to Marcy.
AL Well, I've got a magazine with Whoopi Goldberg on the cover.
MARCY That'll do. And to all a good night.
Marcy turns around and leaves. She has a flashing MERRY CHRISTMAS sign on her backside.
AL I am almost positive they're having a party over there.
Al changes the channel.
TV Now on Home Shopping Channel we're offering this gold plated necklace. We've been
offering it for 49 dollars, but in the next 10 minutes you can buy it for 49 cents.
AL Look what they put on TV. Look how hideous this stuff is! Do they actually think
that women will go for this?
Peg is on the phone, ordering.
PEGGY Ah, yes, I'd like three, please... Yes... Oh yes, I would love a Brazilian
Christmas Tree emerald ring.
Al takes the phone from her.
AL How dare you try to sell this crap to women who might actually wear it!? Hey guys,
you still got that Pocket Fisherman?
Peggy snatches the phone back and hangs it up.
Kelly comes running down stairs and out the door.
KELLY Happy Birthday!
PEGGY Who was that?
Peg takes the remote and changes the channel.
TV A&E, the Arts and Entertainment Channel, present "It's a Hitler Christmas".
AL Arts and Entertainment channel? I thought we had that blocked!
PEGGY Just a few more left. Let's keep going.
She changes channels again.
TV Now available on CD, cassette and yes, 8-Track - It's A Country Christmas. Here's
such hits as "Let's Put the Lights on the Trailer."
TV [singing] Let's put the lights on the trailer...
TV "Is That Rudolph's Nose or Daddy's?"
TV [singing, with Peg miming along] Is that Rudolph's nose or Daddy's?
Al looks at Peg oddly.
TV "Grandma's Frozen on the Porch Swing."
TV [singing, now Al reluctantly mimes along] Grandma's frozen on the porch swing...
Al mimes putting a gun to his head.
Meanwhile, Bud and Kelly are now both on the ground, pulling the jukebox up via the pulley.
KELLY See, I told you it was easier if we both did the pulling.
BUD Oh, great, Kel. Now who's going to be upstairs to lift it through the window since
we're both down here?
KELLY Oh, you're right. Hey! I'll go do it.
She runs off, leaving Bud holding the rope alone. Bud screams in anticipation as he is
pulled up due to the lack of weight on his end. The jukebox crashing down onto the patio.
Bud follows soon after.
Inside, Al is flicking through the channels while Peg is asleep with her head resting on
Al's shoulder. She suddenly wakes up to catch Al changing channels.
PEGGY I was watching that.
AL That's it, that's it. I've had it, Peg. Every year we sit here, every year it's
the same thing. TV at Christmas time reeks. I wish that they would just shut it
off. I wish there wasn't any such thing as TV.
The power goes out and Al and Peg are left in darkness.
AL Oh my God, Peg, the power's off. What are we gonna do, Peg? There's no TV!
PEGGY Well, we could cuddle.
AL Be serious, Peg! There's no TV, now, I'm sorry I said that about the TV. [nearly
crying] I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
The power and lights come back on.
AL Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you!
PEGGY Well, what are we gonna watch, Al?
AL Oh, I don't know. Everything stinks. They ought to just shut it off!
Kelly and a dishevelled Bud enter. Kelly is carrying a record.
KELLY Uhm, Mom, Dad... we have something to tell you.
BUD [Giving Al and Peg the record] Yeah, we're really sorry, but this is the only
AL [Taking the record] Hey, now. You kids bought us a record?
Kelly and Bud exchange a glance.
KELLY Yeah, we got you a record!
BUD Well, yeah, that's what we got ya!
PEGGY [reading the label] Wow, "Nat King Coles sings The Christmas Song." It's been so
long since I've heard Nat without Natalie.
BUD I'll put it on.
Bud takes the record and goes to put it on.
KELLY So, did you get us anything?
PEGGY [thinking quickly; taking the watch from Al's wrist] Uh, yes, honey, we did.
[she gives the watch to Kelly] There you go. And Bud?
BUD [expectantly] Yeah, Ma?
PEGGY ... Merry Christmas!
Bud looks disappointed.
The Christmas Song intro starts playing.
Al puts his arms around his family.
PEGGY Oh, kids.
AL Ah, it really is a wonderful life.
The lyrics of The Christmas Song start. Al and Peg mouth along with the words, only to
stop at the fourth word, as the record is broken and gets stuck at that point.
Al and Peg look disappointed while Bud and Kelly look a bit guilty.
The broken record continues to play while the DIRECTED BY/PRODUCED BY credits are displayed.
DIRECTED BY AMANDA BEARSE
WRITTEN BY LARRY JACOBSON
CREATED BY MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER MICHAEL GREENSPON.
PRODUCED BY JOHN MAXWELL ANDERSON
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER MICHAEL G. MOYE
CREATIVE CONSULTANT DAVID CASTRO
STORY EDITOR NANCY NEUFIELD
CASTING VICKI ROSENBERG AND GREGORY ORSON
'LOVE AND MARRIAGE' MUSIC AND LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC BY JOHNATHAN WOLFF
'SILENT NIGHT' SUNG BY RICK RISO
ART DIRECTOR RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR JIM YARMER
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR SAM W. ORENDER
STAGE MANAGERS RICHARD DRANEY, STEPHANIE SCOTT, NILES GOODSITE
EDITED BY LARRY HARRIS
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE KITTY ROUKE
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR ROBERT A. BOWEN
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO J. MARK KING, LAURA OSBOURN, SCOTT GLICKMAN, ALAN ZIMA
CAMERAS VANCE BRANDON, MIKE CULP, JIM LUNSFORD, BETTINA MYLENEK, DENNIS TURNER
RE-RECORDING ROY PAHLMAN, JOHN BICKLEHAUPT
PRODUCTION STAFF ROCHELLE STATEN, CARL STUDEBAKER, FRAN KAUFER, HELEN PAI,
GARRY BOWREN, DON BECK, BERT L. COOK, CARSON SMITH
COSTUMES MARTI M. SQUYRES
PROPERTY MASTER MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP KATHY ROGERS
HAIR STYLIST DOTTIE MCQUOWN
DOG TRAINER STEVEN RITT
COPYRIGHT (c) 1993
All Rights Reserved
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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