A TSIKET, A TASKET, CAN PEGGY MAKES A BASKET?
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog............Buck
Special Appearances by:
The All-Star Cheerleaders.....Themselves:
Ray Clay.................P.A. Announcer
Roy Fegan................Team Official
Gerald Emerick...........Man behind Al
The Bundy lounge room.
Bud and Buck are sitting on the couch, watching TV.
TV) And in Science news, researchers say it may be true that after several years,
dogs and their masters may begin to... look alike.
BUD) Yeah right.
He looks at Buck, who puts a paw on his knee. He thinks about what the TV said, looks at
Buck, then edges away from him. Peggy comes down the stairs and pats Buck on the head
PEGGY) Hi, Son.
She goes to front door.
BUD) Over here, Mom.
PEGGY) Oh, I'm sorry honey. Anyhow, your father will be home soon and he'll be looking
for dinner. Tell him I hope he finds it. I'm just going over to Marcy's.
BUD) But Mom, you'll miss Dad's latest episode of "A fat woman came into the shoe store
PEGGY) Actually I already knows how it ends. He doesn't get the sale or a life.
Al enters. He has two tickets in his shirt pocket.
AL) Peg! [goes to Buck] Bud.
BUD) Over here, Dad.
AL) Oh, I'm sorry, Son. Guess what happened today at the shoe store?
PEGGY) Did a fat woman come in?
PEGGY) Wow. That was a spine-tingler! Must better than yesterday's "A fat woman walked
PAST the shoe store."
AL) Oh, I'm sorry, Peg, I must've forgot my manners. How'd you do at work today?
[Peg's smile fades] I see. [to Bud] This woman comes into the shoe store, and she
is so fat, she actually has 3 smaller women orbiting around her. So I'm trying to
force a pair of size 13 shoes on her jurassic feet, when she says to me that her
husband just left her.
BUD) Ah! The plot thins!
AL) Pardon me, Son, lets hear about your day at work today! [no response from Bud]
Hmm, that's interesting! So anyway, this fat woman is telling me about how her
husband left her, and she reaches into her purse, moves aside a pastrami sub, and
produces two, 500 dollar, courtside tickets [pulls out tickets from his shirt pocket]
to tonight's All Star charity basketball game!
BUD) You mean the one where they send overpriveledged white kids to Basketball Camp?
The Hands Across the Suburbs! [Al nods] She GAVE you these tickets??
AL) She sold them to me, Son, for a dollar apiece which I didn't have, and Peg,
thank you for that, which I was able to borrow from the mall fountain and the
Charity Mint Box! [takes a mint from his shirt pocket and eats it] So Jerry
Lewis can't afford Rip Taylor this Labor Day... Now it's just a matter of who I
BUD) Well I -
AL) No. And it's not because I don't love you like a son, Buck.
AL) Whatever! See, Son, it's just that you can't anything for me. These are power
seats. I need to talk to somebody with influence and... [snaps his fingers]
I wonder what the doorman at the Nudie Bar is doing tonight!
PEGGY) Well, it's Fall, maybe he's taking his shower.
AL) Call him, Bud, he's on speed dial, listed under "Grandma".
Marcy and Jefferson enter hand in hand. Jefferson sits in a chair and Marcy sits on the
arm of it.
MARCY) Peggy! Do I have the most romantic husband or what. Guess where he's taking me
PEGGY) On the kitchen table?
MARCY) Better. He's taking me to see The Captain and Tennille unplugged!
AL) Gee, you would have thought someone would have plugged them by now.
JEFF) It's their big reunion concert.
MARCY) Guess who's opening for them?
AL) The Carpenter?
MARCY) You saw it in the paper.
JEFF) Yeah, these reunion concerts are great. They stir memories of the good times you've
had with the woman you've always loved, and the great ones of the women you barely
knew! [Marcy scowls] I honestly can't think of another place I'd rather be tonight.
He looks at Al who is smugly holding up the basketball tickets in front of his face.
Jefferson gets up and sits next to Al.
JEFF) Please take me, Al!
Al just laughs at him.
JEFF) Please! Ple-e-ease!
MARCY) What are those tickets to?
MARCY) What a snore.
AL) Well, it may not have that same gripping excitement as "My Daddy Saw My Behind" on
Oprah week, but, ah, it gives me a reason to live.
JEFF) I want a reason to, Al. What will it take?
AL) What have you got?
JEFF) Marcy's Discover card. I'm over the limit on her Visa.
MARCY) You're going to be over the limit on your health insurance deductible if we're not
arm in arm singing Muskrat Love in a couple hours!
JEFF) I can't go, Al.
AL) I didn't invite ya.
PEGGY) Al, how come we never go to concerts?
AL) It's because we don't like the same people. For instance, you like you. But Peg,
Peg, I can promise you the day they put The Captain and Tennille on a life support
system, we'll be among the first to see them unplugged!
Al and Jefferson laugh and Jefferson tries to get the tickets from Al, but Al holds them
MARCY) If we didn't need them for sex, they'd make great compost.
PEGGY) Well, in that case you can just grind mine up right now. Oh, Al. What is the big
deal about going to a Basketball game? I mean, you watch it on TV all the time.
AL) 'Cause Peg, there is nothing like being there in person. Besides, this All Star game
is a once a year thing. I mean, it transcends basketball. It's limos...
JEFF) It's bright lights...
PEGGY) [eagerly] Celebrities? There's going to celebrities??
AL) Er, no Peg, I meant, uh, "celeries". Celeries is the official vegetable of the NBA.
PEGGY) Uh, Al, I think I wanna go to this game.
AL) Uh, no, Peg, can't go. Uh, er, Achmed, the doorman is going.
Bud hangs up the phone and walks back over to the couch.
BUD) Dad, Achmed can't make it. It's Silicon Madness Night at the Nudie Bar.
AL) Tonight? Damn!!
JEFF) Tonight? Damn!!
PEGGY) Well then it's settled! I'm going!
AL) Can't, Peg, there's a league rule: No women allowed.
Kelly races down the stairs wearing a sexy red dress.
KELLY) I'm going to be late. I'M going to the All Star game tonight.
Peg glares at Al.
Kelly and Bud go to the closet and Kelly puts on a red jacket.
BUD) Hey, wait a minute. Now how did you get a ticket?
KELLY) I don't need a ticket. I'm young, available and I look like this!
BUD) Kel, when are you going to give up? I mean, every year you try to marry a basketball
player and every you just get older. And another crop of girls turn 18. Now,
pretty soon you're going to be girding your loose loins in leather, and sitting
the Pathetically Passed Their Prime section with Dyan Cannon.
KELLY) Ho, ho, Pimplestiltskin. Oh, by the way, the Eagles Scouts called. Your merit badge
in celibacy just came in. Well, if I'm not home tonight then my mission was
accomplished. And you may forever refer to me as Mrs. Vlade Divac!
She leaves happily. Peg sits next to Al.
PEGGY) So, Al, what do you think I should wear to the game tonight?
AL) You can wear your robe and you bonbon bib for all I care, but you're absolutely,
positively staying home!
The scene flips to Al and Peggy sitting in one of the Basketball stands, Al looking
miserable and Peggy smiling happily while surrounded by NBA flags and other memorabilia.
PEGGY) Now, isn't this fun!
Al doesn't say anything.
The basketball stadium.
A group a basketball players walk past and Peg shows Al her new toy.
PEGGY) Look, Al. It's my very own Patrick Ewing Groin Pull Doll!
She pulls on the doll's leg and smiles.
She doesn't pay attention to Al.
AL) That's nice, Peg. At least you won't be doing that to me now. Now listen. This is
the first time you've been do a game, so let me explain the rules of basketball.
Rule number 1: No talking. And when you break rule number one - and you will -
there's rule number 2, which is, if I look at pretty girls walking up and down
the isles - and I will - you can't say "Are they prettier than me?" Always know
that the answer will be "Yes, she is" and in some cases, "Yes, HE is."
Al looks at Peg.
PEGGY) I'm sorry, honey, I was pulling on Patrick. Did you say something?
AL) Not a word.
The NBA announcer's voice comes over the PA.
P.A.) All, please rise.
The crowd stands.
P.A.) Tonight singing our National Anthem is Miss Tina Turner!
Tina Turner steps out onto the court with her back to the crowd. Music starts to play and
she turns around. It is Kelly. She dances a bit then runs to stand next to Vlade Divac and
starts singing the National Anthem, out of tune.
KELLY) Oh, say can you see... [to Vlade] There's more to see than this. [into microphone]
By the dawn's early light... [to Vlade] But you'll be too tired to wake up. [into mike]
What so proudly we hail... [stops singing] who wrote this song?
PEGGY) Hey, Al, doesn't like that look like it could be -
AL) Shut up, Peg! At least it's better than Roseanne.
Kelly smiles at Vlade, then starts to sing again as two security guards pick her up and
carry her out.
KELLY) And the home of the brave! [stops singing] Call me, Vlade!
Vlade shakes his head in disbelief.
P.A.) And that concludes tonight's National Anthem.
Al are Peg are still sitting in the stadium.
P.A.) And now, it's time to meet your NBA All Stars... and Danny Ainge.
The crowd applauds.
PEGGY) Al, I have to go to the bathroom.
Al doesn't say anything but hands Peg the cup he has in his hand. Peg pushes it away.
PEGGY) Come on, Al, I want you to go with me.
PEGGY) To keep the men from leering at me.
AL) Peg, they're not leering at you, they're laughing at me!
Peg starts bobbing up and down in her seat.
PEGGY) Honey, I really have to goooo!
AL) Oh, all right, Peg! But I don't want to miss the start of the game.
PEGGY) I promise you won't. Come on, hurry. We'll be quick.
They get up and leave. The scene then flips to Al practically shoving Peg
back into her seat and then the man behind Al is heard commenting to his
friend next to him.
MAN) What a game! That was the most exciting quarter and a half of basketball I've ever
AL) Not nearly as exciting as me getting arrested for loitering in front of the ladies
PEGGY) Well, you know what I've told you about putting your hands down your pants in
AL) Well, it's the only fun I've had in this game so far, Peg! So, now what I'd like to
do is watch the rest of it in complete, total and uninterrupted silence, okay??
Peggy mouths "OK".
Al stands and yells to the players.
AL) Hey, Reilly! Nice hair! What are you using, 30 weight now!? Hey, Barkley, you're
playing "Like a Virgin"!
Peg motions for Al to sit down and he does.
PEGGY) Al, you're being obnoxious!
AL) Peg, you're supposed to act that way at a game. The players love it, it shows you
appreciate the sport.
PEGGY) Oh. [she stands] Hey, Baldie! Are you a real player, or did Sinead O'Connor get a
The player she insulted, Xavier McDaniel (a black, bald player), turns around and glares
AL) That's the wrong guy, Peg. That's Xavier McDaniel, they call him the X-Man. He's
coming this way, Peg! You don't know me!
Al cowers in his seat and Xavier makes his way up the stand and approaches Peg.
X MAN) Excuse me, but I couldn't help but overhear your little witticism.
PEGGY) Ahh, [points to Al] he made me say it.
Al looks up, alarmed.
X MAN) My mistake.
Xavier picks up Al by the collar.
PEGGY) Ah, you know, Mr. X, I might leave him alone. He played High School football.
X MAN) You hear from me, he'll be leaving the game on a stretcher!
AL) Ah, couldn't we sort things out as friends? Could you help me get Shaquille O'Neal's
The crowd watches as Xavier throws Al into the air and he lands head first in the
basketball ring. Peg looks on.
PEGGY) You know, it IS better being here in person!
Al and Peg are still in the stands, Al asleep with a ice pack on his head and Peg is
looking at another stand .
A loud horn awakens Al.
P.A.) And that's the end of the first half with the scores tied at 81-81!
AL) Oh, that's good, I came to at just the right time.
PEGGY) Hey Al, can you change seats with me? I can't see.
AL) Can't see what, Peg? It's half time.
PEGGY) Yeah, but I think that's Joe Piscopo over there. [points]
AL) No, Peg, that's an usher. What a second, that is Joe Piscopo!
PEGGY) Oh, come on, honey, change seats with me, I won't ask you for another thing, I
AL) Oh, come on.
The announcer speaks as Al and Peg fumble their way to each other's seat.
P.A.) Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to play "Basket O' Cash"! Some lucky fan
will get a change to shoot from the free throw line for 10,000 dollars! And tonight's
lucky contestant is sitting in section 8, row B, seat 2!
As soon as Peg sits down she immediately stands up again.
PEGGY) That's me! THAT'S ME!!
AL) It's me! It's you?!?
A NBA official approaches them.
MAN) Congratulations, Miss. Right this way.
AL) No, no, wait a second, no, she's not me, I'm her. See, that was my seat, we
switched! Tell him, Peg.
PEGGY) It's me, it's me!!
AL) That's not fair, she doesn't have a chance in hell of making the shot!
MAN) That's the way we like it! Right this way.
Peggy pushes Al up the steps.
PEGGY) Come on, let's go!
P.A.) And now the precision choreography of our own All Star Cheerleaders!
All but one of the cheerleaders come out onto the court and start to dance to the song
"There It Is". A few moments later, Kelly comes out dressed as a cheerleader, stands in
the group and tries to follow their dance steps. She continues this until she sees Vlade
Divac walk past and she runs up to him.
KELLY) Hi Vlade, my name is Kelly. I can make you very happy.
VLADE) You can show me how to set my VCR?
KELLY) If necessary. Here's my phone number.
She turns around and displays the back of her leg to Vlade. He reads it.
VLADE) There's only six numbers.
KELLY) Well, come on, I'm not easy!
Two security guards come and pick Kelly up and take her away again.
KELLY) Aw! Call me, okay? We can make it happen. Ooh, there it is! Ooh, there it is!
Peg, Al and the Official with a basketball come out onto the court.
MAN) Now, Ms. Bundy we'll be shooting in about five minutes. Here are the rules: You
get one shot from the free throw line. Make it, and you'll win ten thousand dollars.
PEGGY) Sounds easy.
MAN) Any questions?
PEGGY) Yeah, just one. What's a free throw line?
The Official laughs and gives the basketball to Al.
MAN) Don't spend it all in one place.
AL) She'll be ready, wise guy.
The Official leaves and Al looks around.
AL) Peg, shave your head, give me your hair, I'm taking the shot.
PEGGY) Don't be ridiculous, Al! I'm sure if I practice, I could be just and good as that
Smokin' Joe Lewis or any of those other Quarterbacks.
AL) [looking at the sky] Another slow day, eh, God? [he turns Peg around] All right,
now, Peg, pretend that I'm the basket.
PEGGY) I don't know, honey. I've pretended you're a lot of things. A cowboy, a Knight,
Mr. T, dead, but a basket...? [she shakes her head]
AL) Peg, concentrate! This is $10,000! You know what I could do with $10,000??
PEGGY) Take 10,000 trips to the Nudie Bar?
AL) No, Peg. Just one great one! [he gives Peg the ball] Now Peg, take aim, bend your
knees, and let the ball roll slowly off your fingertips.
Al has his arms in the shape of a basketball ring. Peg follows Al instructions but instead
she throws the ball way over Al's head, and it hits Xavier McDaniel in the back of his head.
He turns and glares. Al and Peg point at each other. Xavier comes over and picks up Al by
the collar again.
X MAN) Perhaps I didn't make myself clear the first time!
Xavier spins Al around in a circle then throws him along the counter where some NBA officials
are sitting. Al stops when he lands head first in a bucket of water.
AL) [to the camera] NBA action -- it's fantastic!
The crowd in the stadium.
P.A.) And now it's time to play "Basket O' Cash"! Tonight's lucky contestant is a woman!
P.A.) From Chicago, Ms. Peg Bundy!
Peg comes out onto the court wearing a Hands Across the Suburbs t-shirt. She is very
happy and waving to everybody.
P.A.) Ms. Bundy says she's married to a successful doctor, and not to Al Bundy, the
Peg clarifies this by shaking her head and hands in the way of "no".
P.A.) And now presenting the "Basket O' Cash" ball: A sturdy guard for the Portland
Trailblazers and a proud member of America's Olympic Dream Team - Clyde, the Glide,
The crowd cheers as Clyde Drexler bounces the ball onto the court and slam dunks it into
the ring, then walks over to Peg.
PEGGY) You know, anyone can do that! I have to make it from here!
CLYDE) Don't worry about it. Just think of that line from that famous commercial.
PEGGY) Oh, you mean "Just do it"?
CLYDE) Well, no, I was thinking of "Lego my Ego". But yours is better.
He gives Peg the ball and she bounces it.
P.A.) Okay, good luck, Miss Bundy. Don't be nervous!
Peg is about to throw the ball but gets distracted by the announcer.
P.A.) TEN THOUSAND dollars riding on this shot!
Peg bounces the ball again and gets ready to throw the ball but gets distracted once again
by the announcer.
P.A.) TEN THOUSAND people rooting for you... or against you.
Peg starts to look worried. She bounces the ball one more but again gets distracted
by the announcer.
He sounds like he's being choked. Peg stops and waits to see what happened.
Al's voice comes over the P.A.
AL) Go ahead and shoot it, baby. The court's all yours, Peg!
Peg is happy. She throws the ball and it is being shown flying threw the air in slow motion.
AL) [thinking] Ten thousand dollars! Gee, I wonder if I could get a cheerleader for that?
PEGGY) [thinking] Ten thousand dollars! Gee, I wonder if I could get player for that?
CLYDE) [thinking] Hey! If we'd had her instead of Ainge, we'd have won the Championship!
The ball, still in slow motion, bounces on the back of the ring, then on
the side, then off the ring altogether. Peg looks sad and Al approaches her with the
ball under his arm.
AL) Ah now, Peg, now, that's alright. [he puts his arm around her] You gave it your best
PEGGY) You're not disappointed, Al?
AL) Disappointed, Peg? It's the only way it could be. I wanted it, I needed it, I
deserved it, how else could it have turned out?
PEGGY) Then it's your fault!
AL) From the minute I said "I do."
PEGGY) You know, honey, I'm really sorry about the money. I guess basketball's just not my
AL) Nah, guess not, Peg. Come on, sweetheart, let's go home.
Al gives the ball to Peg. As they walk away, Peg casually throws the ball over her head and
it goes straight throw the basketball ring.
EXECTUTIVE PRODUCER: MICHAEL G. MOYE
DIRECTED BY: TONY SINGLETARY
WRITTEN BY: KIM WEISKOPF
CREATED BY: MICHAEL G. MOYE & RON LEAVITT
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER: MICHAEL GREENSPON
PRODUCED BY: JOHN MAXWELL ANDERSON
CREATIVE CONSULTANT: RALPH FARQUAH
CREATIVE CONSULTANT: RICHARD GURMAN
CO-PRODUCER: LARRY JACOBSON
PRODUCER: STACIE LIPP
SUPERVISING PRODUCER: KIM WEISKOPF
CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: KATHERINE GREEN
CASTING BY: TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A. & STEVEN CRAIG
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC: JOHNATHON WOLFF
ART DIRECTOR: RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR: JIM YARMER
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: SAM W. ORENDER
STAGE MANAGER: RICHARD DRANEY
STAGE MANAGERS: STEPHANIE SCOTT, NILES GOODSITE & PAUL PAOLASSO
EDITED BY: LARRY HARRIS
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE: KITTY ROUKE
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: ROBERT A. BOWREN
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO: J. MARK KING, LAURA OSBORN, SCOTT GLICKMAN & ALAN ZEMA
CAMERAS: VANCE BRANDON, MIKE CULP, BETTINA MYLENEK & DENNIS TURNER
RE-RECORDING: ROY PAHLMAN & JOHN BICKLEHAUPT
PRODUCTION STAFF: ROCHELLE STATEN, CARL STUDEBAKER, FRAN KAUFER, HELEN PAI,
DON BECK, GARRY BOWREN, BERT L. COOK & CARSON SMITH
COSTUMES: MARTI M. SQYRES
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP: DAVID ABBOTT
HAIR: DOTTIE McQUOWN
DOG TRAINER: STEVEN RITT
COPYRIGHT (C) 1993
ELP COMMUNICATIONS PRODUCTION
All Rights Reserved
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company
ELP Communications is the author of the film/motion picture for purposes of Article 15(2)
of the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effect thereto.
This motion picture is protected under the laws of the United States and other countries
and its unauthorised duplication distribution or exhibition may result in civil habilty and
The characters and incidents portrayed and the names used herein are fictitious and any
similarity to the name, character or history of any person is entirely confidential and unintentional.
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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