EPISODE 0726 (157)
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
The darkened Bundy bedroom.
Peggy and Al's voices are heard.
PEGGY Al, why isn't anything happening?
AL It will, you just have to be patient.
PEGGY I don't want to be disappointed again.
AL Any minute now, trust me! I know how this works.
A moment later, the light in the room comes on.
PEGGY Al, you did it! You DID pay the electric bill!
AL Of course. Happy Anniversary, baby.
Al kisses Peg on the cheek.
PEGGY Aww. Thank you, Al. It's the perfect present for the gal who already has
nothing. Now, is there something I can do for you?
AL Yeah. Get in position, baby.
PEGGY Oh, Al!
Peggy and Al slide under the covers ready to sleep. Peg turns off the light.
Their butts are touching.
AL I can still feel ya, Peg.
Peggy moves over towards her side more.
PEGGY I love you, Al.
AL Yeah, thanks.
Kelly and Bud enter in their nightclothes and turn on the light.
KELLY Hey Mom, Dad?
PEGGY Kids! Don't just burst in like that! What if we'd been doing something
Kelly and Bud look at each other and burst out laughing. Al and Peg then do the same.
KELLY No, we have to turn on the television. [turns it on] That lady, Coco's on.
You know, the one with the beauty empire?
BUD Yeah, she said she graduated from Polk High. She's supposed to be the most
famous graduate Polk High ever had.
AL The SECOND most famous graduate! I don't think this Coco broad scored four
touchdowns in a single game! Or would've played pro ball if it wasn't for a
bummed knee and an even bummer wife.
PEGGY [looking at the TV] Oh, there she is!
On the TV, Coco is being interviewed by a talk show host.
HOST I have to say, you look great. Would you stand up for us?
Coco stands up and twirls around.
HOST So, you attained this perfection by dieting and using your own products?
COCO I'm very lucky. I can eat anything I want and then get it all sucked out. But
my beauty products are just as good as surgery and [she smiles at the camera]
the money goes to me.
The audience applauds.
Al Oh my god, I recognise her. Her name isn't Coco! It's Helen Granowitter! Peg,
you remember her, she was a year behind us at high school.
PEGGY I don't remember her. You really know her, Al?
AL Well, I don't wanna say anything in front of the kids, but she uh... she
co-piloted the Star Ship Bundy a couple of seasons! [to Bud and Kelly] What do
you think of your old dad now?
Bud and Kelly burst out laughing again.
BUD Oh come on, Dad. You've never had a beautiful woman in your whole life.
Peggy turns away, offended.
BUD Seriously, Mom. Could you picture Dad with even a mildly attractive woman??
Peggy tries to ignore him.
KELLY I mean, Mom, look at him. What kind of woman do you think he possibly could
get? [Peggy leans towards her and Kelly's smile fades] You didn't let me
finish. I was gonna say, "he's got you... so why would he want a beautiful
PEGGY Get out.
KELLY What I do? I was just insulting Daddy.
BUD They hear what they wanna hear.
The Shoe store.
Someone's voice shouts outside
VOICE Hey, somebody stop that guy! He stole my lunch!
Al runs into the store, carrying the stolen lunch and a drink. He hides behind the
counter. A man and two cops run past. Al eats the sandwich.
Coco enters the store.
Al spills the soda in his lap. he then looks at the floor to find Coco's feet.
He slowly looks up at her.
COCO Hi, Beautiful.
Al giggles. He stands up, but now he has a big stain on his crotch.
AL Hi, baby! [notices the stain] Oh, it's... just soda, it'll dry soon and leave
a little stain. But let's cut the charade, we both now why you're here... Why
are you here?
COCO I've traveled the world trying to find a man who can satisfy me the way you
She walks up to him suggestively. Al suddenly starts twitching, trying to shake something
out of his pants.
AL Wait a sec, wait a sec, something's out of line in here... [An ice cube falls
out of his pant leg] Oh, it's just an ice cube, I thought I was passing a
COCO God, you're a pig! I love it. I want you, Al. Travel the world with me. Make
love to me the way that only YOU did.
Coco puts her arms around Al's neck.
A customer enters the store.
CUST Excuse me...
AL GET OUT!!
The woman turns around and leaves.
AL [to Coco] So you were saying?
COCO I want you.
AL Well, I wish I could say I was shocked. And dry...
Al grabs a small portable fan off the counter and starts fanning his wet pants with it.
AL Ugh... Look, I, uh... I know I look much the same as I did when I was a
strapping, sexy high school football star, so it doesn't surprise me when you
say you want me. [Puts the fan down] But... look closely in the dead that are
my eyes. You'll see I'm married.
COCO I'm sorry to hear it.
AL I'm sorry to say it. But uh, would you come home and meet my family? You know,
tell them you know me? You know, the sex stuff. I like to impress the kids,
AL Good! Now, I want you to come home for dinner. We're having pizza... you bring
Al, Peg, Kelly and Bud are sitting on the couch.
PEGGY So, you are telling us that Coco, world famous millionaire, is madly in love
with you and bring us a pizza??
AL Not as hard to believe as that I could have had a beautiful millionaire and
instead ended up with you! Lucky, huh?
The doorbell rings, and Al answers it.
Coco is standing outside with a pizza.
AL [pointedly to the others] Hello, Coco!
Peggy, Bud and Kelly stare at Coco in awe and disbelief.
Al takes the pizza and starts eating it.
AL [to the pizza] Ohh, I'm so happy to see you! Mmmmm, mmmmm. Coco, meet the
Coco walks over to the other Bundys and extends a hand, but the three of them start
milling around her, sniffing her and studying every inch of her body, her clothing,
AL [Sitting on the couch, still eating the pizza] Aaaaahhhh.
Bud clasps his hands around one of Coco's legs.
BUD Hey, you guys have to touch these stockings. I think they're really made out of
Peggy and Kelly join Bud in examining Coco's legs.
COCO I'm not wearing stockings.
The three Bundys look up at her.
PEGGY Uh, come with us into our formal dining room.
Peggy, Kelly and Bud lead Coco to the kitchen table. Al speaks as they pass him.
AL Hey, I told you extra cheese. I've never met a woman yet who can order a pizza
right. Extra cheese. How tough is it!?
At the table:
COCO You have a lovely home.
PEGGY Yeah, right.
AL Enough meaningless girl small talk.
Al coolly makes his way over to the table. He has a piece of cheese hanging from his
AL Tell her about the legend of Al Bundy. Tell 'em about OCD. One Cool Dude.
PEGGY Al, you have a disgusting piece of cheese on your chin!
Al fumbles for the cheese, but Coco beats him to it; removing the cheese from his
chin and eating it.
COCO Everything tastes better from Al's mouth.
KELLY Catch me, Bud, I think I'm gonna faint.
BUD Okay, Kel.
Kelly faints, Bud holds his arms out. Kelly falls on the floor, due to Bud
intentionally not catching her. Bud laughs.
PEGGY Kids, please. Not in front of rich, world famous company. [Kelly stands up
again] Uh, Coco - and I think I can call you by your first name, since you
just ate off my husband's chin - tell me, why are you here?
COCO Because no one has ever satisfied me like your husband.
KELLY Catch me, Bud, I think I'm gonna faint.
BUD Okay, Kel.
Again, Kelly falls without Bud catching her. Bud again laughs.
COCO I'll put this as plainly as I can. I've still got the hots for the big lug,
and I want to buy him from you.
Peggy and Bud look at each other, then fall over backwards, fainting.
Coco strokes Al's chin.
Al, Kelly and Bud are gathered by the counter.
Peggy leads Coco to the couch and they sit.
PEGGY So, let me get this straight. You want to BUY him?
COCO He's all that's missing in my life.
PEGGY Well, he's missing in everybody's life, but... nobody wants to buy him.
AL Wait a second, I think we're missing what's important here. You people are
treating me like a piece of meat and I must say that I like it! Oh, I'm sorry,
girls, I think I dropped a nickel...
Al bends over suggestively, his butt facing Coco.
Marcy and Jefferson enter.
MARCY [Looking at Al's rear end] Oh my God! I thought the moon was made of green
cheese and it is!
Al quickly straightens and sits on the couch.
AL Jealous little ironing board.
JEFF Hey, you're Coco, aren't you?? I buy all your products! [He sits next to her]
You've been on parts of my body even she [gestures to Marcy] hasn't touched.
MARCY It's an honor to meet you. I write you checks for a thousand dollars every
month. I owe my man's softness to you.
PEGGY My man's softness comes naturally. [she pats Al's knee]
JEFF I'm glad you're here. I'm being driven to the brink of madness by my dry thighs.
I cream and I cream and I cream! But still my pants wanna stick to my thighs.
COCO Perhaps you should let the cream dry before putting on your pants.
Jefferson looks as though he's discovered the meaning of life.
JEFF I feel just like I did when I was a little boy and my father said, "shake it,
son, and the women will pay."
MARCY You know, we have 8mm film of his father fan dancing for J. Edgar Hoover.
AL Hey, she didn't come here to talk shop! She came here to purchase me as a sex toy.
MARCY Oh, this is impossible. Someone wants you for sex? What do you have, a pet
orangutang who's lonely? And not picky?
AL Oh, I'm sorry, you two weren't properly introduced, I don't think. This is
Marcy, our next door neighbor. As you can see, she's probably used some of
your vanishing cream on her breasts. See, not a trace!
Marcy gives Al a stern look.
MARCY Jefferson, pretend you're a man. What are you gonna do about this??
JEFF Well, I'm gonna do what every real man ought to do for his woman. I'm gonna
let the cream dry before I put on my pants.
Jefferson and Marcy start to leave.
MARCY Oh yeah, I tell you the same thing, but when a celebrity tells you, you run,
don't walk, to cream. Suck up.
MARCY Take me.
Marcy jumps onto Jefferson, wrapping her legs around him. They kiss madly and make
their way out the door, Marcy's legs shaking all the while.
Al sits on the couch next to Coco.
AL You know, it could be worse. Our neighbors could've been Seigfried and Roy.
COCO [To Peggy] Let me cut to the chase. I want to buy your husband. I'll pay you
five hundred thousand dollars.
Peggy and Al faint, falling to each side of the couch.
Al, Peggy, Kelly and Bud are still in the living room, but now Coco has left.
Peggy is examining Al, pressing on his chest and stomach.
PEGGY Five hundred thousand dollars for this? I don't get it! But then I haven't
been getting it for 20 years, so what's the difference? [She sits on the
couch] We can't sell Daddy.
KELLY Uh, Mom? When you say "we", I hope you mean "oui" as in French for, "Hell yes,
we'll sell Daddy and collaborate with the Germans"? Ergo, which is French for,
"Yes, take our country, but please let us live to make our creamy sauces," I
say we take the five hundred thousand and bid Daddy adieu. Which is French for
"a deer, a female deer." So, in closing, I'd like to say one simple thing.
[acting out her cheer] S-E-L-L! Sellllll Daddyyy! Yayyy.
She takes a bow and walks off.
Bud approaches Al.
BUD Dad, take a long hard look at yourself, pal. You tell me what other possibility
there is out there for a man made of fudge. [Bud slaps Al twice across the face]
Snap out of it, man! Sell your worthless damn body and soul. It's better than
selling shoes. At least we'll finally be able to tell people what you do. You'll
be Al Bundy, male hooker.
The Bundy's bedroom.
Al is lying on the bed in his pajamas. Peggy is packing a suitcase.
PEGGY Now, Al, promise me you won't do anything with Coco.
AL Hey, she paid five hundred grand. She wants the boodle, baby.
PEGGY Well, promise me when you're in bed with her you won't enjoy it. Because I
think I can assure you that she won't. Now, honey, this is a wonderful thing
you're doing for your family, and I want you to know we're all very proud of
BUD [O.S.] Mom! The limo's here!
PEGGY Ooh, Al. That's our limo! To take us to our new lakeshore condo. Well, honey,
don't be a stranger, you know where we live. Well, actually, you don't. Oh well.
Peggy takes her suitcase and heads out the door, but stops.
PEGGY Gee, uh... I'll miss ya, Al.
AL I'll miss you too, Peg.
Peggy pokes Al's stomach.
Al pokes Peg's finger.
They flap their hands at each other.
PEGGY Well, goodbye.
Peggy leaves the room.
Al gets up and looks at himself in the mirror.
AL Oh, why oh why was I cursed with these good looks? [He lifts up his shirt and
taps his stomach] This rock-hard body, [grabs his butt] this "hold me" hiney,
this... face that's a homing signal for hooters. You are one fine five hundred
thousand dollar piece of beef.
Coco enters. She is wearing a dressing gown.
She takes off the gown, revealing herself to be wearing a pale pink negligee.
COCO I've waited a long time, Al.
She lies down on Al's side of the bed. Al walks over to her.
AL You're... you're on my side of the bed.
COCO What's the difference?
AL I don't know... What if I roll out in the middle of the night, get confused
and go to the bathroom in the hall?
COCO Okay, I'll move over. [She moves over] Here. Is this better?
Al mumbles and lies next to her. He tries to get comfy.
AL Got my pillow all warm, I don't like that!
Al turns his pillow over and settles back.
COCO Fine. Let's get down to business.
Coco leans over to kiss Al, but he stops her.
AL Uh, you know, maybe you could get a glass of water?
COCO Okay, in a glass or on the front of your pants?
AL Uh, we don't use glasses, but paper cup'd be nice.
Peggy enters, clearing her throat.
PEGGY Uh, it's just me. Hope I'm not interrupting anything, I just forgot a few things.
Peggy makes her way to the bathroom, and turns to look at Al sadly. Al looks back at her.
Peggy gets a few things from the bathroom and comes back out with a cup of water for Al.
PEGGY He gets thirsty.
She gives Al the water and he takes a sip. Peggy walks over to Al's side of the bed.
Al leans forward and Peggy turns over his pillow.
PEGGY He likes his pillow cool. [Al settles back] Well... bye. [She turns to leave,
but stops to get her own pillow from behind Coco's head] Oh, and I, I don't
believe that you bought MY pillow!
She takes the pillow and leaves. Al puts the water down.
COCO Well, Stud. Giddy up!
Coco turns the light off and gets ready.
Peggy suddenly comes back in and turns the light back on.
PEGGY Alright. Get up! Get up!! That's MY bed and MY husband. Here's your check and
Peggy hands Coco a piece of paper. Coco looks at it.
COCO This isn't my check, it's just a piece of paper.
PEGGY Gee, huh. It's amazing how a page out of TV Guide can look like a check. Well,
here. [She gives Coco her real check] Go buy yourself your own ring-around-
the-collar worker. This big lug is mine.
Coco starts her way out.
COCO It's times like this I'm glad there's a Ben 'n' Jerry's.
PEGGY You're gonna buy icecream?
COCO No, I'm gonna go buy Ben and Jerry.
Peggy sits next to Al on the bed.
PEGGY Gee, Al, I hope you're not mad at me. I just couldn't stand the thought of you
with someone else. Even if it meant we were gonna get rich.
AL I guess I couldn't be with anybody else either, Peg, even though she had more
to offer than you in every possible way.
PEGGY Well, I guess we're just meant to be together, huh?
AL Yeah, I guess.
They look at each other.
PEGGY You know what I wanna do right now?
AL Yes, I do and it's exactly what I want to do.
Al and Peg both turn over and settle into bed. Their butts are touching. Peggy turns
off the light.
AL Can still feel ya, Peg.
Peggy moves over towards her side more.
PEGGY I love you, Al.
AL Yeah, thanks.
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER RON LEAVITT
DIRECTED BY GERRY COHEN
WRITTEN BY ARTHUR SILVER
CREATED BY MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT
PRODUCED BY JOHN MAXWELL ANDERSON
CO-PRODUCER STACIE LIPP
CREATIVE CONSULTANT RICHARD GURMAN
CREATIVE CONSULTANT MICHAEL G. MOYE
SUPERVISING PRODUCER KEVIN CURRAN
CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER ARTHUR SILVER
CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER ELLEN L. FOGLE
CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER KATHERINE GREEN
EXECUTIVE STORY EDITOR LARRY JACOBSON
CASTING BY TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A AND STEVEN CRAIG
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISOR/COMPOSER MICHAEL ANDREAS
ART DIRECTOR RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR JIM YARMER
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR SAM W. ORENDER
STAGE MANAGERS RICHARD DRANEY, STEPHANIE SCOTT
EDITED BY LARRY HARRIS
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION CO-ORDINATOR CARL STUDEBAKER
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR ROBERT A. BOWEN
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO MARK J. KING
CAMERAS MARK CULP, MARK LACAMERA, BETTINA MYLENEK, DENNIS TURNER
RE-RECORDING ROY PAHLMAN, JOHN BICKLEHAUPT
PRODUCTION STAFF GABRIELLE TOPPING, FRAN KAUFER, HELEN PAI, MARY E. STEWART,
ROCHELLE E. STATEN, DON BECK, GRRY BOWREN, BERT L. COOK, CARSON SMITH
COSTUMES MARTI M. SQUYRES
PROPERTY MASTER MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP PATTY BUNCH
HAIR STYLIST DOTTIE MCQUOWN
DOG TRAINER STEVEN RITT
COPYRIGHT 1993 ELP COMMUNICATIONS
All Rights Reserved
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company
ELP Communications is the author of the film/motion picture for purposes of Article
15(2) of the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effect thereto.
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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