0723 (154)


 Regular cast:

Ed O'Neill...............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal..............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate......Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley.............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog.............Buck 

 Guest cast:

Charlene Tilton..........Herself
Buck's Voice.............Kevin Curran
Manager..................Peter Jason
Habib #1.................S. Kyle Parker
Blaub....................Susan Peretz
Habib #2.................Ted Davis
Announcer................Todd McLaren




 Kelly and Bud are sitting on the couch.
 Peggy comes downstairs, hiding something behind her back.

PEGGY  Well, kids, it's Friday afternoon, you know what that means!

 Bud and Kelly both cheerfully shout out.

BUD    We play "Make Believe Daddy". Yay!
KELLY  We play "Make Believe Daddy". Yay!

 Kelly and Bud excitedly bounce on the couch.
 Peggy has a sock on her hand, it has button eyes and a button nose.
 Peggy sits on the couch next to Kelly and Bud.

PEGGY  [Sock Daddy voice] Hi kids, I'm home.

KELLY  Daddy!
BUD    Daddy!

 Kelly and Bud hug and kiss Sock Daddy.

BUD    Would you like your pipe and slippers now, Daddy?

 Bud sticks a miniature pipe and slippers onto Sock Daddy.

PEGGY  [Sock Daddy voice to herself] And what would you like, beautiful?
       [normal voice] Just hold me in your powerful argyle arms.
       [Sock Daddy voice] Kids, go put on some Johnny Mathis and er... get out
       of here.

 Al arrives home, and enters the living room.

AL     Aw no, not the sock again!
       How come he gets a pipe and slippers? I've had a cold for 3 days,
       I get to sleep in the garage.

PEGGY  It's for your own good, Al. You know what they say; "Starve a cold,
       freeze a fever."

 Peggy laughs.

AL     Well I've got a good mind not to tell you what happened at work today.
       [Peggy, Kelly and Bud are silently indifferent]
       Erh, erh, and it was real interesting too!

KELLY  [proudly] Well, Sock Daddy almost got stuck in the lint filter today.

AL     Yep, if marriage stinks, have a kid. If the kid stinks, you have another
       and then everything will be all right.
       Well, let Sock Daddy top this! I've been offered early retirement.
       They've offered to give me a year's pay... a cheque for $12,000.

 Peggy Bud and Kelly cheer "Daddy" and hug Al affectionately.

BUD    Oh, would you like your pipe and slippers now, Daddy?

 Bud removes the miniature pipe and slippers from Sock Daddy, puts the pipe into
 Al's mouth and sticks the slippers to Al's shirt.
 Al leans over toward Sock Daddy.

AL     [to Sock Daddy] HA!

PEGGY  But, I don't get it, Al. You mean they'll pay you just to sit around the

AL     Yes, Peg, quite a little novel idea for you, isn't it? But I don't know
       what I should do.

PEGGY  Well, that's never stopped you from taking me, it shouldn't stop you
       from taking $12,000. Oh, take the money, Al. Look what work has done for
       you, you got lines on your face, your cheeks are sallow, you've lost all
       your hair.

AL     Peg, that's what you've done to me.

PEGGY  But work can't be helping. Besides, just think what we could do with the
       money. Al, we could pay off our Visa! [laughs] Do it for me, baby.
       I don't know how much longer I can go without charging again.

AL     I didn't work 20 years to pay off a Visa bill! Creditors don't get one
       penny! [Al and Peggy sit on the couch] How dare they expect us to pay
       for five year old items? I mean, If they're stupid enough to give me
       credit, let them raise the interest and let the honest people pay for it.

 The Bundys all laugh together.
 Marcy bursts in and Jefferson stands behind her.

MARCY  All right, we've had enough! Everyday our paper is missing.
       We never see you take it, but we know it's you. We have many signs that
       point directly to you; our stoop smells, our roses have been used as a
       rest room and I keep finding all of these loose hairs [Marcy holds up a
       handful of hairs] all over the porch... which look like they were once,
       [Marcy places the hair on Al's head] here, [places hair on Al's ear] here
       [places hair on Al's nose] or in there!

AL     How dare you accuse me... or any member of my law abiding family...
       I demand an apology!

 Buck enters with a newspaper in his mouth.

AL     That's... um... That's a bad dog.

BUCK   Yeah, I stole, but at least I wasn't the one that wet the bushes.

PEGGY  Look, you don't have to worry about us stealing anything anymore. Al
       just got $12,000 for early retirement.

MARCY  Oh, that's great, Al. Why, you could live off the interest... see, if
       you don't touch your capital, your interest could be as much as $12 a

AL     [eagerly interested] Really??

JEFF   And you could use the time off, old paint. Don't wind up like my dad,
       the man worked through his seventies, everyday of his life, his back
       bent from work.

AL     Was he a coal miner?

JEFF   No, a gigolo. He was always going to retire... but then it was too late,
       he tragically died preparing for a job -- burned to death in a tanning
       bed. But at least he died the way he always wanted to - with no tan lines.

 Jefferson sighs and appears to be upset.
 Marcy stands behind Jefferson and pats his shoulders.

MARCY  Jefferson still has the cotton balls that were between what used to be
       his dad's toes.

JEFF   I can't tan or eat a well done steak without thinking of that man.

 Marcy kisses Jefferson's head.

MARCY  My poor baby. His was a close, but tragic family. His mother was an
       Exotic Dancer. She was swallowed whole by her snake during a break at
       Airport Totally Nude.

JEFF   I can't wear a belt or buy expensive boots without thinking she's in

MARCY  Come, Jefferson, in honor of your parents, come dance naked for me and
       then pleasure me.

JEFF   Yes, yes, I'll do it for Mom and Dad! I just hope that wherever they
       are... they're watching.

 Marcy and Jefferson leave.

AL     You know, I think we might be better off if we bought our own newspaper
       and get those people the hell out of here. But you know, there's some
       thing to be learned from Jefferson's extra crispy dad. Comes a time when
       a man has accomplished all he can do.

PEGGY  I think you already have.

AL     I fear you're right. But you know, it wouldn't be bad [Al uses the tiny
       pipe to dig out his ear] to have a little extra money in the bank around 
       this time, so I'm going to do it. I'm gonna retire, and then I'll have 
       more time to pursue my real hobby.
       [Al puts one hand down his pants and talks to his other hand]
       Hey, what are you doing out here? We've got room for you too - right here, 
       in Retirement Village.

 Al puts his other hand down his pants.



 Al comes downstairs wearing an Hawaiian shirt and shorts.

AL     [singing] Day - O, Day-a-ay - O.
       Daylight come and I work-a no more.
       Daylight come and I work-a no more.

 Al sits on the couch and picks up the TV remote control.
 Peggy arrives home carrying shopping bags.
 Al looks at Peg and continues to sing his song.

AL     I see deadly red tarantula,
       but I sit here with my hand in my pant-ula.

 Al puts his hand down his pants.

PEGGY  Happy, Honey?

AL     Yeah!

PEGGY  Good, 'cause I think you've had enough time to relax. You slept late
       and you sat down. Now it's time to get another job.

 Peggy goes into the kitchen and puts her shopping bags down.

AL     But Peg, we've got $12,000.

PEGGY  Honey, how long do you think $12,000 is going to last? I mean, we've
       only had that money for an hour, and already it's down to $10,000, and
       that is just for hair, nails and $1,800 worth of junk.
       [Peg sits on the couch]
       Now honey, am I gonna spend all of this money before you realise it's
       time to get a new job? But, you know, it doesn't have to be just any job. 
       It should be something you can be proud of, a step up. That's why I made
       an appointment for you. You see, there's an opening for a guy to separate 
       garbage into paper, plastic and spit. If you hurry, you could be that guy.

AL     But, Peg, why can't getting a job wait until tomorrow?

PEGGY  Al, there's a lot of competition out there in the job pool. Why, every
       day, more illegal immigrants - some of whom speak English - are out there
       flooding the job market. If you were a customer, what would you rather
       hear? [macho American voice] "Yeah, yeah, I'll get you a Slushy", or
       [polite Indian accent] "Please Sir, I will gladly serve you a Slushy. 
       Thank you for not killing me."
       [normal voice] Believe me, honey, I love you and I wouldn't hire you to
       put phone sex cards under windshield wipers. 
       Besides, you know, ten thousand dolla...
       [Peg is interrupted by the telephone ringing]
       Hello? Oh, yes, I did place that order. Thank you.
       [puts down the receiver]
       ...Nine thousand dollars is really not a lot in this day and age.
       Especially since we put it in my name to hide it from the creditors.

AL     Well, Peg, that reminds me, where IS my money?

PEGGY  Yeah, like I'm really gonna tell you. The way you just fritter it away...
       [Peg is interrupted by the phone ringing again] That'll be for me. I 
       ordered the entire Elvis Plate Collection from the Franklin Mint. 
       There's no guarantee they'll go up in value... but all the others have.



 Al is in the Employment Office, sitting at the desk of a Ms. Blaub, whom is a
 large woman.

AL     ...and so, er... [Al checks the name written on a name plate] Miss, er,

BLAUB  [angrily] MS! Blaub.

AL     Er, yeah, I'm sorry. Your name was partially obscured some... er, errant
       flesh. As I was saying, I'm just not going to take just anything, un-like 
       you at a buffet. So um, what do you have for me?

BLAUB  Some Mennen Speed Stick in my desk.

AL     Well, let me give you a tip: it goes under your arms... if you can ever
       get them horizontal.

BLAUB  Well, I see that you are a "people" person, so let's get you the hell
       out of here as quickly as possible. How many years of college did you
       have? [laughs hysterically] Just entertaining myself. So, did you go to
       high school?

AL     Polk High... and while I find you fat and repulsive, I will gladly
       regale you with tales of my "four touchdowns in one game."

BLAUB  Oh, how rare it is to have someone who played high school football at an
       employment office.

AL     Look, Blob...

BLAUB  [yells] BLAUB!

AL     I know your name. That was a er... descriptive term. Look, I'm putting
       myself in your sweaty, bloated hands. I'm looking for a career, not just
       a job. You know, like, a doctor or a guy who plays with hooters all day.

BLAUB  That would be an anaesthesiologist. Well, don't worry, I think we have
       something perfect for a man of you qualifications. Tell me, do you have
       any skills?

AL     Well, I'm er... naturally inquisitive, erm... for instance, I'm
       wondering just how strong that chair is you're sitting on?

BLAUB  I have the perfect job for you.



 The Homeplate Athletic Shoe Store.
 The manager blows a whistle to signify an inspection of his employees.
 We see 3 Indian guys lined up ready for inspection. They are all wearing
 Umpire uniforms.

MANAGR OK, Line up. The customers will be in soon! You ready?

 The manager walks around the line up, inspecting them.
 We then see Al, also wearing an Umpire's uniform, standing at the end of the



 The Homeplate Athletic Shoe Store continued.

MANAGR All right, Bundy, meet the people you'll be working with. I like to call
       them "The 3 Habibs".

 The manager leaves them to meet each other.

AL     That's management for ya. They're all alike. Never get to know your real

HABIB1 No, it's true, we are all named Habib.

AL     How do I tell you apart?

HABIB1 It is easy, you just call us Habib and point to the one you wish to
       speak to. That's what we do. Is that not right [points to Habib2] Habib?

HABIB2 Yes, it is [points to Habib1] Habib.

HABIB1 Learn our names quickly, Old One. Soon we will be Ownership Habibs. This
       shoe store is for sale and we are saving our money to buy it.

AL     [dismissive] Ah, just go ahead and play the lottery.
       Listen, Beebs, there's no money in shoes!
       I was selling shoes when you guys were just gleams in a New York taxi-
       cab driver's eyes.

 The manager walks over to them.

MANAGR Bundy! I'm being called away on urgent business. One of the prostitutes
       I use is free. I'm putting you in charge, the whistle is yours.

 The manager hangs the whistle around Al's neck.
 Al appears to be proud of this honor.

AL     Management! I'm the boss! Finally, somebody's mistrust in foreigners has
       put me in charge! OK, huddle up!

 We see Al and the 3 Habibs huddle, from a ball game view.

AL     All right, I'm running this team now. And remember, there is no "I" in
       shoe store. Now, here's what we're gonna do; we're gonna play a zone.
       Habib [points to Habib 1] you cover running shoes.
       Habib [points to Habib 2] you cross trainers.
       And Habib [points to 3rd Habib] you cover a hot dog with mustard and you
       bring it back here.
       Ready... Work!
       [Al looks down into the camera] I like this, I like this so much I'll
       tell you what I'm gonna do; I'm gonna buy this shoe store and be the
       last American in this country to own his own business.

 Al wipes a tear from his eye.



 Peggy, Kelly and Bud are sitting on the couch, staring intently ahead.
 We hear the voice of Charlene Tilton as if it is coming from the TV.

CHARLE Hi, I'm Charlene Tilton and I'd like to introduce you to the Abdomenizer.

 As the camera moves away from the Bundys on the couch, Charlene is revealed to
 be laying on the floor where the TV should be.

KELLY  Mom, how'd you ever get Charlene Tilton to come exercise in our living

PEGGY  Well, I called to order one of those things, [Abdomenizer] but I wasn't
       sure that I wanted to buy it. So she rushed right over to answer all my

CHARLE It's easy and fun!

 Bud crawls off the couch and over to Charlene.

BUD    You've just described me, you former Dallas cutie.
       I like to call myself [turns his cap backwards] Abdomenizer B. I don't
       need no stinking exerciser, I get plenty of exercise up in my room.

CHARLE Yes, but with the Abdomenizer, for the first time you can have some

 Al arrives home and heads straight for the kitchen.

AL     [greeting] Peg, kids, Charlene Tilton.
       [Al stops behind the couch]
       Peg, I now know what's been holding me back all these years!

PEGGY  [to Bud and Kelly] That would be us. I bet he has a new plan to change
       his future.

AL     I should have killed you years ago.

CHARLE [to Al] If you really want to change the future, start with your stomach.
       I wouldn't be here if I didn't believe in it.

AL     Aww, c'mon! You'd be here for a slice of cheese on a Ritz cracker.
       [Charlene nods in silent agreement]
       Now, Peg, I know you'll never guess, so I'm just gonna tell you; I want
       to buy a shoe store. It's a gold mine... no, I don't want your opinion,
       give me the money.

PEGGY  Al, what woman would give her husband his money? Honey, it just isn't

AL     Peg, I need it, and I need it now, baby! Can't you see, Peg, I'm actually
       really excited about something.

PEGGY  Well, believe me, Al, I'm the expert on this. Wait about 30 seconds,
       you won't be anymore.

AL     Peg, I'm not gonna beg for it. It's MY money and I DEMAND it!
       [Peggy silently ignores Al] Peg, I'm begging you, give me my money.
       [still no response] OK. Let's have a vote.
       Who doesn't want me to have my money?
       [Peggy, Bud and Kelly raise their hands, then Charlene slowly raises her
       hand] Now, that hurts, Charlene. All right. I now know what I have to do.

 Al takes off his shirt.

PEGGY  Oh, Al, you're so cute. You think you're gonna earn it by having sex
       with me!

 Al walks around to the back of the couch.

AL     Nope, I'm gonna take off my pants, get a lawn chair and sit in my
       underwear over at [to Bud] YOUR college and tell everyone I'm your
       Then I'm gonna go over the diner where [to Kelly] YOU work, pull up my 
       Hanes and tell everyone I'm your father.
       And then, I'm going prancing around [to Peggy] YOUR beauty parlour. And
       then I'll go to... Oh, and did I mention by then I won't be wearing any
       [to Charlene] And just for the heck of it, I'm gonna have a big sign
       that says; "I've used the Abdomenizer - 2 years, and this is what I look
       Now. Let's vote: Who wants Daddy to get his money?
       [they all raise their hands] I knew you were all behind me!
       Now, Peg, help me out here. What time is it?

CHARLE Time to buy an Abdomenizer!

 Al makes a fist at Charlene.

PEGGY  It's 6:30, honey.

AL     [thinking out loud] All right, 6:30, 6:30, that's fine. Right, the stores
       are closed - I have to go tomorrow, that's fine. There may be another
       buyer. It's gonna be the biggest day of my life.
       Peg, the only thing you have to do, honey... You have to make sure I
       wake up at 8:00. Will you do that for me, baby?

PEGGY  I'll do it for you, baby.

 Peggy laughs and they hug.



 The afternoon of the next day, Peggy is serving cheese puffs on the Abdomenizer
 to Kelly and Bud.

PEGGY  You know, Charlene was really right about this Abdomenizer thing. It
       does work!

 Al comes downstairs, still dressed in his pajamas.

AL     Peg, Peg, thanks for waking me right on time. You know it's 4:00 in the

PEGGY  Well, honey, if I could handle responsibility, I'd have a job.

AL     Well, no harm done. I called to see if they sold the place without me,
       and [laughs] they did. They only sold it this morning, how about that!
       Well, who cares? It was just a life dream.

PEGGY  You know what, Al? Next time you have a dream, let me know about it...
       I'll wake you up. [laughs]

AL     But you know, the guy also bought my old shoe store, but it's hard to
       find a guy with 20 years experience who'll work for minimum wage, so I
       got my old job back.

KELLY  [half heartedly] Oh yay Daddy.

AL     Well, at least the slow one is trying. But you'll all be rejoicing
       pretty soon! Because I have $6,000 and I'm gonna invest it for the
       future of my family.



 The Bundys are sitting on the couch with a mountain of lottery tickets on the

BUD    $6,000 worth of lottery tickets, Dad??

AL     Think "winner", Son.

 The result of the lottery is heard announced on the TV.

ANNOUN We've just been handed a bulletin. We have a winner in this week's
       Illinois State Lottery. The winner lives right here in the Chicago area.
       And who more deserving to win the $60,000,000 than the lowest form of
       human life, a shoe salesman.

PEGGY  Al, I think it's you!!

 They all hold hands excitedly.

AL     It's me, It's me, I know It's me! I know, at last, an American can dare
       to dream.

ANNOUN And the winner is...
       [We see the 3 Habibs on the TV screen, they are holding up a giant State
       of Illinois Lottery cheque]
       ...Habib, Habib, Habib!

 The Bundy's excitement quickly dissolves.
 Bud scratches a ticket.

BUD    Dad! I found a 7 and an 8. I think we won five dollars!

 The Bundys all join hands again and celebrate their lucky victory.



Co-producer  Stacie Lipp
Creative Consultants  Richard Gurman, Michael G. Moye
Supervising Producer  Kevin Curran
Co-executive Producers  Katherine Green, Arthur Silver, Ellen L. Fogle
Executive Producer  Ron Leavitt

Directed by  Gerry Cohen
Written by  Kevin Curran
Created by  Ron Leavitt and Michael G. Moye
Produced by  John Maxwell Anderson

Executive Story Editor  Larry Jacobson
Casting  Tammara Billik C.S.A. and Steven Craig
"Love and Marriage" Music and Lyrics by Sammy Cahn and Jimmy Van Helsen
Music Supervisor/Composer  Michael Andreas
Art Director  Richard Improta
Associate Director  Sam W. Orrender
Assistant Director  Jim Yarmer
Stage Managers  Richard Draney  Stephanie Scott  Paul Markoe
Production Co-ordinator  Carl Studebaker
Production Associate  Kitty Rourke
Edited by  Larry Harris  Tim Clark
Technical Director  Robert A. Bowen
Director of Photography  Thomas W. Markle
Audio  J. Mark King
Cameras  Mike Culp, Mark LaCamera, Bob Erbeck, Dennis Turner
Re-recording  John Bickelhaupt and Roy Pahlman
Production Staff  Rochelle E. Statten, Gabrielle Topping, Fran Kaufer,
 Bert L. Cook, Mary E. Stewart, Don Beck, Gary Bowren, Helen Pai, Carson Smith
Costumes  Marti M. Squyres
Property Master  Michael Semon
Make-Up  Patty Bunch
Hair Stylist  Dottie McQuown
Dog Trainer  Steven Ritt
ELP Communications is the author of the film/motion picture for purposes of
Article 15(2) of the Berne Convention and all national giving effect thereto.

Transcribed by Ade Bundy


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