'TIS TIME TO SMELL THE ROSES
Ed O'Neill...............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal..............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate......Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley.............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog.............Buck
Buck's Voice.............Kevin Curran
Habib #1.................S. Kyle Parker
Habib #2.................Ted Davis
Kelly and Bud are sitting on the couch.
Peggy comes downstairs, hiding something behind her back.
PEGGY Well, kids, it's Friday afternoon, you know what that means!
Bud and Kelly both cheerfully shout out.
BUD We play "Make Believe Daddy". Yay!
KELLY We play "Make Believe Daddy". Yay!
Kelly and Bud excitedly bounce on the couch.
Peggy has a sock on her hand, it has button eyes and a button nose.
Peggy sits on the couch next to Kelly and Bud.
PEGGY [Sock Daddy voice] Hi kids, I'm home.
Kelly and Bud hug and kiss Sock Daddy.
BUD Would you like your pipe and slippers now, Daddy?
Bud sticks a miniature pipe and slippers onto Sock Daddy.
PEGGY [Sock Daddy voice to herself] And what would you like, beautiful?
[normal voice] Just hold me in your powerful argyle arms.
[Sock Daddy voice] Kids, go put on some Johnny Mathis and er... get out
Al arrives home, and enters the living room.
AL Aw no, not the sock again!
How come he gets a pipe and slippers? I've had a cold for 3 days,
I get to sleep in the garage.
PEGGY It's for your own good, Al. You know what they say; "Starve a cold,
freeze a fever."
AL Well I've got a good mind not to tell you what happened at work today.
[Peggy, Kelly and Bud are silently indifferent]
Erh, erh, and it was real interesting too!
KELLY [proudly] Well, Sock Daddy almost got stuck in the lint filter today.
AL Yep, if marriage stinks, have a kid. If the kid stinks, you have another
and then everything will be all right.
Well, let Sock Daddy top this! I've been offered early retirement.
They've offered to give me a year's pay... a cheque for $12,000.
Peggy Bud and Kelly cheer "Daddy" and hug Al affectionately.
BUD Oh, would you like your pipe and slippers now, Daddy?
Bud removes the miniature pipe and slippers from Sock Daddy, puts the pipe into
Al's mouth and sticks the slippers to Al's shirt.
Al leans over toward Sock Daddy.
AL [to Sock Daddy] HA!
PEGGY But, I don't get it, Al. You mean they'll pay you just to sit around the
AL Yes, Peg, quite a little novel idea for you, isn't it? But I don't know
what I should do.
PEGGY Well, that's never stopped you from taking me, it shouldn't stop you
from taking $12,000. Oh, take the money, Al. Look what work has done for
you, you got lines on your face, your cheeks are sallow, you've lost all
AL Peg, that's what you've done to me.
PEGGY But work can't be helping. Besides, just think what we could do with the
money. Al, we could pay off our Visa! [laughs] Do it for me, baby.
I don't know how much longer I can go without charging again.
AL I didn't work 20 years to pay off a Visa bill! Creditors don't get one
penny! [Al and Peggy sit on the couch] How dare they expect us to pay
for five year old items? I mean, If they're stupid enough to give me
credit, let them raise the interest and let the honest people pay for it.
The Bundys all laugh together.
Marcy bursts in and Jefferson stands behind her.
MARCY All right, we've had enough! Everyday our paper is missing.
We never see you take it, but we know it's you. We have many signs that
point directly to you; our stoop smells, our roses have been used as a
rest room and I keep finding all of these loose hairs [Marcy holds up a
handful of hairs] all over the porch... which look like they were once,
[Marcy places the hair on Al's head] here, [places hair on Al's ear] here
[places hair on Al's nose] or in there!
AL How dare you accuse me... or any member of my law abiding family...
I demand an apology!
Buck enters with a newspaper in his mouth.
AL That's... um... That's a bad dog.
BUCK Yeah, I stole, but at least I wasn't the one that wet the bushes.
PEGGY Look, you don't have to worry about us stealing anything anymore. Al
just got $12,000 for early retirement.
MARCY Oh, that's great, Al. Why, you could live off the interest... see, if
you don't touch your capital, your interest could be as much as $12 a
AL [eagerly interested] Really??
JEFF And you could use the time off, old paint. Don't wind up like my dad,
the man worked through his seventies, everyday of his life, his back
bent from work.
AL Was he a coal miner?
JEFF No, a gigolo. He was always going to retire... but then it was too late,
he tragically died preparing for a job -- burned to death in a tanning
bed. But at least he died the way he always wanted to - with no tan lines.
Jefferson sighs and appears to be upset.
Marcy stands behind Jefferson and pats his shoulders.
MARCY Jefferson still has the cotton balls that were between what used to be
his dad's toes.
JEFF I can't tan or eat a well done steak without thinking of that man.
Marcy kisses Jefferson's head.
MARCY My poor baby. His was a close, but tragic family. His mother was an
Exotic Dancer. She was swallowed whole by her snake during a break at
Airport Totally Nude.
JEFF I can't wear a belt or buy expensive boots without thinking she's in
MARCY Come, Jefferson, in honor of your parents, come dance naked for me and
then pleasure me.
JEFF Yes, yes, I'll do it for Mom and Dad! I just hope that wherever they
are... they're watching.
Marcy and Jefferson leave.
AL You know, I think we might be better off if we bought our own newspaper
and get those people the hell out of here. But you know, there's some
thing to be learned from Jefferson's extra crispy dad. Comes a time when
a man has accomplished all he can do.
PEGGY I think you already have.
AL I fear you're right. But you know, it wouldn't be bad [Al uses the tiny
pipe to dig out his ear] to have a little extra money in the bank around
this time, so I'm going to do it. I'm gonna retire, and then I'll have
more time to pursue my real hobby.
[Al puts one hand down his pants and talks to his other hand]
Hey, what are you doing out here? We've got room for you too - right here,
in Retirement Village.
Al puts his other hand down his pants.
Al comes downstairs wearing an Hawaiian shirt and shorts.
AL [singing] Day - O, Day-a-ay - O.
Daylight come and I work-a no more.
Daylight come and I work-a no more.
Al sits on the couch and picks up the TV remote control.
Peggy arrives home carrying shopping bags.
Al looks at Peg and continues to sing his song.
AL I see deadly red tarantula,
but I sit here with my hand in my pant-ula.
Al puts his hand down his pants.
PEGGY Happy, Honey?
PEGGY Good, 'cause I think you've had enough time to relax. You slept late
and you sat down. Now it's time to get another job.
Peggy goes into the kitchen and puts her shopping bags down.
AL But Peg, we've got $12,000.
PEGGY Honey, how long do you think $12,000 is going to last? I mean, we've
only had that money for an hour, and already it's down to $10,000, and
that is just for hair, nails and $1,800 worth of junk.
[Peg sits on the couch]
Now honey, am I gonna spend all of this money before you realise it's
time to get a new job? But, you know, it doesn't have to be just any job.
It should be something you can be proud of, a step up. That's why I made
an appointment for you. You see, there's an opening for a guy to separate
garbage into paper, plastic and spit. If you hurry, you could be that guy.
AL But, Peg, why can't getting a job wait until tomorrow?
PEGGY Al, there's a lot of competition out there in the job pool. Why, every
day, more illegal immigrants - some of whom speak English - are out there
flooding the job market. If you were a customer, what would you rather
hear? [macho American voice] "Yeah, yeah, I'll get you a Slushy", or
[polite Indian accent] "Please Sir, I will gladly serve you a Slushy.
Thank you for not killing me."
[normal voice] Believe me, honey, I love you and I wouldn't hire you to
put phone sex cards under windshield wipers.
Besides, you know, ten thousand dolla...
[Peg is interrupted by the telephone ringing]
Hello? Oh, yes, I did place that order. Thank you.
[puts down the receiver]
...Nine thousand dollars is really not a lot in this day and age.
Especially since we put it in my name to hide it from the creditors.
AL Well, Peg, that reminds me, where IS my money?
PEGGY Yeah, like I'm really gonna tell you. The way you just fritter it away...
[Peg is interrupted by the phone ringing again] That'll be for me. I
ordered the entire Elvis Plate Collection from the Franklin Mint.
There's no guarantee they'll go up in value... but all the others have.
Al is in the Employment Office, sitting at the desk of a Ms. Blaub, whom is a
AL ...and so, er... [Al checks the name written on a name plate] Miss, er,
BLAUB [angrily] MS! Blaub.
AL Er, yeah, I'm sorry. Your name was partially obscured some... er, errant
flesh. As I was saying, I'm just not going to take just anything, un-like
you at a buffet. So um, what do you have for me?
BLAUB Some Mennen Speed Stick in my desk.
AL Well, let me give you a tip: it goes under your arms... if you can ever
get them horizontal.
BLAUB Well, I see that you are a "people" person, so let's get you the hell
out of here as quickly as possible. How many years of college did you
have? [laughs hysterically] Just entertaining myself. So, did you go to
AL Polk High... and while I find you fat and repulsive, I will gladly
regale you with tales of my "four touchdowns in one game."
BLAUB Oh, how rare it is to have someone who played high school football at an
AL Look, Blob...
BLAUB [yells] BLAUB!
AL I know your name. That was a er... descriptive term. Look, I'm putting
myself in your sweaty, bloated hands. I'm looking for a career, not just
a job. You know, like, a doctor or a guy who plays with hooters all day.
BLAUB That would be an anaesthesiologist. Well, don't worry, I think we have
something perfect for a man of you qualifications. Tell me, do you have
AL Well, I'm er... naturally inquisitive, erm... for instance, I'm
wondering just how strong that chair is you're sitting on?
BLAUB I have the perfect job for you.
The Homeplate Athletic Shoe Store.
The manager blows a whistle to signify an inspection of his employees.
We see 3 Indian guys lined up ready for inspection. They are all wearing
MANAGR OK, Line up. The customers will be in soon! You ready?
The manager walks around the line up, inspecting them.
We then see Al, also wearing an Umpire's uniform, standing at the end of the
The Homeplate Athletic Shoe Store continued.
MANAGR All right, Bundy, meet the people you'll be working with. I like to call
them "The 3 Habibs".
The manager leaves them to meet each other.
AL That's management for ya. They're all alike. Never get to know your real
HABIB1 No, it's true, we are all named Habib.
AL How do I tell you apart?
HABIB1 It is easy, you just call us Habib and point to the one you wish to
speak to. That's what we do. Is that not right [points to Habib2] Habib?
HABIB2 Yes, it is [points to Habib1] Habib.
HABIB1 Learn our names quickly, Old One. Soon we will be Ownership Habibs. This
shoe store is for sale and we are saving our money to buy it.
AL [dismissive] Ah, just go ahead and play the lottery.
Listen, Beebs, there's no money in shoes!
I was selling shoes when you guys were just gleams in a New York taxi-
cab driver's eyes.
The manager walks over to them.
MANAGR Bundy! I'm being called away on urgent business. One of the prostitutes
I use is free. I'm putting you in charge, the whistle is yours.
The manager hangs the whistle around Al's neck.
Al appears to be proud of this honor.
AL Management! I'm the boss! Finally, somebody's mistrust in foreigners has
put me in charge! OK, huddle up!
We see Al and the 3 Habibs huddle, from a ball game view.
AL All right, I'm running this team now. And remember, there is no "I" in
shoe store. Now, here's what we're gonna do; we're gonna play a zone.
Habib [points to Habib 1] you cover running shoes.
Habib [points to Habib 2] you cross trainers.
And Habib [points to 3rd Habib] you cover a hot dog with mustard and you
bring it back here.
[Al looks down into the camera] I like this, I like this so much I'll
tell you what I'm gonna do; I'm gonna buy this shoe store and be the
last American in this country to own his own business.
Al wipes a tear from his eye.
Peggy, Kelly and Bud are sitting on the couch, staring intently ahead.
We hear the voice of Charlene Tilton as if it is coming from the TV.
CHARLE Hi, I'm Charlene Tilton and I'd like to introduce you to the Abdomenizer.
As the camera moves away from the Bundys on the couch, Charlene is revealed to
be laying on the floor where the TV should be.
KELLY Mom, how'd you ever get Charlene Tilton to come exercise in our living
PEGGY Well, I called to order one of those things, [Abdomenizer] but I wasn't
sure that I wanted to buy it. So she rushed right over to answer all my
CHARLE It's easy and fun!
Bud crawls off the couch and over to Charlene.
BUD You've just described me, you former Dallas cutie.
I like to call myself [turns his cap backwards] Abdomenizer B. I don't
need no stinking exerciser, I get plenty of exercise up in my room.
CHARLE Yes, but with the Abdomenizer, for the first time you can have some
Al arrives home and heads straight for the kitchen.
AL [greeting] Peg, kids, Charlene Tilton.
[Al stops behind the couch]
Peg, I now know what's been holding me back all these years!
PEGGY [to Bud and Kelly] That would be us. I bet he has a new plan to change
AL I should have killed you years ago.
CHARLE [to Al] If you really want to change the future, start with your stomach.
I wouldn't be here if I didn't believe in it.
AL Aww, c'mon! You'd be here for a slice of cheese on a Ritz cracker.
[Charlene nods in silent agreement]
Now, Peg, I know you'll never guess, so I'm just gonna tell you; I want
to buy a shoe store. It's a gold mine... no, I don't want your opinion,
give me the money.
PEGGY Al, what woman would give her husband his money? Honey, it just isn't
AL Peg, I need it, and I need it now, baby! Can't you see, Peg, I'm actually
really excited about something.
PEGGY Well, believe me, Al, I'm the expert on this. Wait about 30 seconds,
you won't be anymore.
AL Peg, I'm not gonna beg for it. It's MY money and I DEMAND it!
[Peggy silently ignores Al] Peg, I'm begging you, give me my money.
[still no response] OK. Let's have a vote.
Who doesn't want me to have my money?
[Peggy, Bud and Kelly raise their hands, then Charlene slowly raises her
hand] Now, that hurts, Charlene. All right. I now know what I have to do.
Al takes off his shirt.
PEGGY Oh, Al, you're so cute. You think you're gonna earn it by having sex
Al walks around to the back of the couch.
AL Nope, I'm gonna take off my pants, get a lawn chair and sit in my
underwear over at [to Bud] YOUR college and tell everyone I'm your
Then I'm gonna go over the diner where [to Kelly] YOU work, pull up my
Hanes and tell everyone I'm your father.
And then, I'm going prancing around [to Peggy] YOUR beauty parlour. And
then I'll go to... Oh, and did I mention by then I won't be wearing any
[to Charlene] And just for the heck of it, I'm gonna have a big sign
that says; "I've used the Abdomenizer - 2 years, and this is what I look
Now. Let's vote: Who wants Daddy to get his money?
[they all raise their hands] I knew you were all behind me!
Now, Peg, help me out here. What time is it?
CHARLE Time to buy an Abdomenizer!
Al makes a fist at Charlene.
PEGGY It's 6:30, honey.
AL [thinking out loud] All right, 6:30, 6:30, that's fine. Right, the stores
are closed - I have to go tomorrow, that's fine. There may be another
buyer. It's gonna be the biggest day of my life.
Peg, the only thing you have to do, honey... You have to make sure I
wake up at 8:00. Will you do that for me, baby?
PEGGY I'll do it for you, baby.
Peggy laughs and they hug.
The afternoon of the next day, Peggy is serving cheese puffs on the Abdomenizer
to Kelly and Bud.
PEGGY You know, Charlene was really right about this Abdomenizer thing. It
Al comes downstairs, still dressed in his pajamas.
AL Peg, Peg, thanks for waking me right on time. You know it's 4:00 in the
PEGGY Well, honey, if I could handle responsibility, I'd have a job.
AL Well, no harm done. I called to see if they sold the place without me,
and [laughs] they did. They only sold it this morning, how about that!
Well, who cares? It was just a life dream.
PEGGY You know what, Al? Next time you have a dream, let me know about it...
I'll wake you up. [laughs]
AL But you know, the guy also bought my old shoe store, but it's hard to
find a guy with 20 years experience who'll work for minimum wage, so I
got my old job back.
KELLY [half heartedly] Oh yay Daddy.
AL Well, at least the slow one is trying. But you'll all be rejoicing
pretty soon! Because I have $6,000 and I'm gonna invest it for the
future of my family.
The Bundys are sitting on the couch with a mountain of lottery tickets on the
BUD $6,000 worth of lottery tickets, Dad??
AL Think "winner", Son.
The result of the lottery is heard announced on the TV.
ANNOUN We've just been handed a bulletin. We have a winner in this week's
Illinois State Lottery. The winner lives right here in the Chicago area.
And who more deserving to win the $60,000,000 than the lowest form of
human life, a shoe salesman.
PEGGY Al, I think it's you!!
They all hold hands excitedly.
AL It's me, It's me, I know It's me! I know, at last, an American can dare
ANNOUN And the winner is...
[We see the 3 Habibs on the TV screen, they are holding up a giant State
of Illinois Lottery cheque]
...Habib, Habib, Habib!
The Bundy's excitement quickly dissolves.
Bud scratches a ticket.
BUD Dad! I found a 7 and an 8. I think we won five dollars!
The Bundys all join hands again and celebrate their lucky victory.
Co-producer Stacie Lipp
Creative Consultants Richard Gurman, Michael G. Moye
Supervising Producer Kevin Curran
Co-executive Producers Katherine Green, Arthur Silver, Ellen L. Fogle
Executive Producer Ron Leavitt
Directed by Gerry Cohen
Written by Kevin Curran
Created by Ron Leavitt and Michael G. Moye
Produced by John Maxwell Anderson
Executive Story Editor Larry Jacobson
Casting Tammara Billik C.S.A. and Steven Craig
"Love and Marriage" Music and Lyrics by Sammy Cahn and Jimmy Van Helsen
Music Supervisor/Composer Michael Andreas
Art Director Richard Improta
Associate Director Sam W. Orrender
Assistant Director Jim Yarmer
Stage Managers Richard Draney Stephanie Scott Paul Markoe
Production Co-ordinator Carl Studebaker
Production Associate Kitty Rourke
Edited by Larry Harris Tim Clark
Technical Director Robert A. Bowen
Director of Photography Thomas W. Markle
Audio J. Mark King
Cameras Mike Culp, Mark LaCamera, Bob Erbeck, Dennis Turner
Re-recording John Bickelhaupt and Roy Pahlman
Production Staff Rochelle E. Statten, Gabrielle Topping, Fran Kaufer,
Bert L. Cook, Mary E. Stewart, Don Beck, Gary Bowren, Helen Pai, Carson Smith
Costumes Marti M. Squyres
Property Master Michael Semon
Make-Up Patty Bunch
Hair Stylist Dottie McQuown
Dog Trainer Steven Ritt
COPYRIGHT (C) 1993
ELP COMMUNICATIONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
ELP Communications is the author of the film/motion picture for purposes of
Article 15(2) of the Berne Convention and all national giving effect thereto.
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
A SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company
Transcribed by Ade Bundy
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