Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog............Buck
Robin Francis Robin.....Man
Peg is sitting on the couch, reading a magazine. Al comes in with his head
hunched between his shoulders.
PEG Hi, honey. How was work?
AL I didn't quite make it to work this morning, Peg. You may not have
noticed, since you were too busy sleeping. The city towed my car away
again this morning. They keep thinking it's an abandoned car. Why, Peg?
PEG It's a Dodge, Al. Any time you see a Dodge, you think it's abandoned.
By the way, where's your neck?
AL Well, that's an amusing little side story, Peg.
Al sits on the couch next to Peg.
AL You see, when I got to the impound lot I saw my car was in line for the
wrecking ball. So I ran over and jumped in, trying to stop it. But I was
too late. But I did get a free sunroof. Both for my car and my head.
Straighten me out, for God's sake, Peg.
PEG Oh, honey.
Peg pulls Al's head towards her and it straightens with a crack.
AL Thanks, Peg. You got any aspirin?
Peg picks up a bottle of pills from the cushion beside her and pours its
contents onto her palm. She holds up her palm for Al to see.
PEG Oh, just two.
Peg swallows the two pills she's holding.
PEG You know, your stories always give me such a headache.
Bud comes running down the stairs.
BUD Hey, Dad, can I borrow your car? I gotta go through a rough part of town.
I found if I turn my hat backwards and drive your car, even the gangs
cut me a wide path.
AL Dodge says something very special about you!
PEG Yeah. It says: "Damn right, I failed."
We hear a motorcycle's tires screeching outside, and then a thump. The
viewpoint shifts to the Bundys' vernada, where Marcy is pinned to the door by
a motorcycle driven by Kelly's boyfriend Frank.
KELLY Are you okay, Mrs. D'Arcy?
MARCY Well, I was, till I was swept up by this huge machine which now knows me
as few men have. Do you mind backing it up?
FRANK Sure, mister.
Frank backs up his motorcycle a bit and Marcy stands up. Jefferson comes
running over to Marcy.
JEFF Marcy, I saw what happened, I ran right over. [to Frank] Nice bike!
Jefferson and Frank high-five.
MARCY Aren't you gonna ask me how I am?
JEFF I asked you this morning. How many times a day do I have to ask you how
you feel? I care, okay?
MARCY [to Frank] Young man, do you have insurance?
FRANK [laughing] Of course not.
Frank and Kelly laugh together.
MARCY Oh, I suppose having insurance isn't cool anymore? Come on, Jefferson.
JEFF [to Frank] I drove a Mo-ped in college, so I understand the outlaw
mentality. But the next time you run over my wife, you better have
JEFF Nice bike. [quietly, to himself] Punk.
Jefferson leaves. Kelly gets off the motorcycle and walks to the door.
FRANK So, uh, did you have a good time today?
KELLY Yeah. I always have fun watching sausages being made. You know, I never
knew how many fingers went into them.
FRANK Listen, uh, I want to take you out tomorrow, 'cause it's your birthday
KELLY [emotionally] Aw, and they say that jail hardens a man.
Kelly and Frank start to kiss.
Al opens the door. Kelly and Frank fall in towards him.
KELLY Oh, hi, Daddy. Do you remember Frank?
AL I barely remember Bud. Now, your boss called, you're late for work.
KELLY Oops, I gotta run. Daddy, give Frank a kiss for me, okay?
AL Of course, Pumpkin.
Kelly goes upstairs.
AL Relax, Frank. I don't kiss anyone who doesn't cook for me. Ask the wife.
FRANK Sir, I hope you don't mind I'm taking your daughter out tomorrow for her
AL No kidding. It's her birthday? What is she, twelve? Thirty? Ah, who
really cares. Just take her someplace special. Wait a minute.
Al reaches for his pocket. Frank holds out his hand. Al takes out a
handkerchief and blows his nose. He then shakes Frank's hand.
AL There. Now beat it.
Al pushes Frank outside and closes the door.
PEG Al, that attractive young thug has shamed us. We forgot Kelly's birthday
AL So? Bundys don't celebrate birthdays. Oh sure, it causes irreparable
emotional scars, but it saves a few bucks on presents. Bud, are you
thinking what I'm thinking?
BUD Luscious hooters?
AL [looking confused] No, I wasn't thinking that. I should've been. I was
thinking about your sister's birthday. And we're missing a grande
opportunity here. I say we should ask to take Kelly out. She'll say she
has plans, and she'll actually think we care.
Al sits on the couch next to Bud and Peg.
PEG And then we can just forget Kelly's birthday forever. 'Cause if she
complains, we'll say: "Well, we offered to take you out, but you broke
our hearts when you turned us down."
Al, Bud and Peg laugh and high-five.
AL Bud, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
BUD Kelly's a sucker?
AL No, I was thinking of luscious hooters. I moved on. [shouting] Kelly,
come down here. Hurry up.
Kelly comes down the stairs in her waitress uniform. Al, Peg and Bud stand
up, smiling like idiots.
KELLY Smile all you want, I am not pulling any of your fingers.
AL Well, I guess one surprise will have to do, then. Sweetheart, tomorrow
is a very important day. It's my little girl's birthday.
KELLY Congratulations, Bud! [laughs] I'm just kidding. I mean, who would care
about his birthday? But I can't believe you guys remembered mine.
AL Not only did we remember it, but we wanna celebrate it by taking you to
the movies. You know, with the family.
KELLY Well, I have a date with Frank, and I really like him a lot.
AL Oh, she's busy.
PEG Oh, she's busy.
BUD Oh, she's busy.
Al, Peg and Bud sit on the couch.
PEG It's all right, honey. We understand.
KELLY But I am going to cancel my date with him and go to the movies with you.
I mean, you guys are like a family to me.
Kelly blows them a kiss and leaves. Peg hits Al on the shoulder.
PEG [to Al] Happy now, Bonehead? Now this one's gonna want something for his
PEG [to Bud] Well, forget about it, we don't even wanna know when it is.
Fortunately, he has no friends to tell us.
AL He has no friends!
Al and Peg laugh and Bud looks sad.
Al, Peg, Kelly and Bud enter the cineplex.
AL 18 movies in this cineplex and the only one not sold out is "Coffee Cups
For Two". Gee, I guess that must mean it's gonna be real good.
Peg's eyes widen as she notices some bonbons at the food counter.
PEG Oh lordie.
AL Wait a minute, Peg. We can't afford that!
The Bundys push their way to the front of the line at the food counter.
PEG Excuse me, Americans coming through.
Peg, Kelly and Bud get to the front of the line.
AL We're on a limited budget here.
AL Peg, it's three times more expensive here than anywhere else.
AL [reluctantly] Bonbon.
All of the Bundys start talking together, making various requests to the
salesgirl, who starts piling food on the counter.
SLSGRL That'll be one-hundred dollars.
AL Ah-ha. But, um... well, we don't need this dog here.
The salesgirl takes the hot dog and turns around to return it. As soon as
she does, all four Bundys hurriedly start eating everything on the counter
they can get their hands on. After a few seconds the salesgirl turns back
around and gets a shocked look on her face. The Bundys freeze, their mouths
full of food.
AL [to salesgirl, with his mouth full] How dare you try to sell us empty
boxes? [chews] I brought this from home. [to the family] Let's go.
The Bundys turn around and see a small boy with a lollipop, looking at
them with horror. Al walks over to the boy and grabs him by the collar.
AL You didn't see nothing, kid, do you understand me? Nothing!
The boy nods. Al motions to the other Bundys to go ahead, then takes the
lollipop from the boy's hand and follows them.
The Bundys enter the movie theater and sit down.
KELLY Thank you, family, this is the bestest birthday I ever had.
Kelly turns around and sees Frank sitting at the back of the cinema with
Still at the movie theater.
Kelly is watching Frank and his date. She turns around and looks upset.
KELLY I can't believe he's here. I am so upset.
PEG Well, honey, it's kind of a family thing... We couldn't leave Daddy home.
KELLY No, Mom. Look, it's Frank. God, just because I broke a date with him,
he's out with another girl. And he has that talking-about-his-uncle's-
sausages look on his face.
PEG Don't worry, honey. You're gonna have a great time. You're with your
Al and Bud blow on candy boxes and laugh.
BUD Well, Dad, enough of this bonding. I got a captive audience here. I'm
gonna go bother me some girls.
Al and Bud give a thumbsup. Bud gets up and goes to sit next to a girl
named Liz. He clears his throat.
BUD Hello. Allow me to introduce myself: I'm your new boyfriend.
LIZ Well, I'm your new ex-girlfriend.
Liz slaps Bud, who falls to the floor.
BUD Call me.
Bud gets up and sits next to another girl.
BUD Reginald Bundy, critic for The Times. You know, I get so few chances to
see films with the public. This time I wanna watch a film exactly as the
people do. So, uh... if you don't mind...
Bud starts to put his arm around the girl's shoulder. The camera shifts to the
other three Bundys. We hear a slap and Bud goes flying above the audience and
crashes to the floor. Bud gets up with a plastic wrapper stuck to his cheek.
Al gives him thumbs up and Bud also sticks up his thumb. He throws the wrapper
to the floor, straightens up and goes to sit next to another girl named Lil.
BUD I see you're alone. Well, don't worry, 'cause me and my beard make just
an excellent friend.
Lil's huge boyfriend, Lon, returns with popcorn and coke and sits on top of Bud.
LON Here's the popcorn you wanted, Lil.
Lon gives Lil the popcorn and coke.
LIL You know, some boy was bothering me before. I wonder where he is now.
Bud is heard screaming.
LON Hmm. Well, let me know if you see him.
Lon shifts about in his seat uncomfortably.
LON Damn, I'm sitting on something lumpy. Probably a milk dud.
Lon gets up and absent-mindedly throws Bud to the other end of the theater.
Bud gets up from the floor with a candy wrapper stuck in his ear, throws down
the wrapper and sits next to Al dejectedly. Al offers him a bon-bon box and Al
and Bud start blowing on their bon-bon boxes again. They laugh and all four
Bundys put their feet on the seats in front of them. An usher walks over to them.
USHER You people have to keep your feet down!
All the Bundys start to object loudly.
USHER Thank you for your cooperation.
The usher leaves.
ANOUNC Ladies and gentleman, our theatres are participating in a send-a-kid-to-
the-movies program. An usher will be collecting at the end of this
feature. Thank you.
A man in the row behind the Bundys addresses them.
MAN Hey, the movie's starting. Shut up!
AL Save my seat, Peg.
Al climbs his seat and proceeds to vigorously beat up the man who spoke to the
Bundys. The man loses consciousness and Al takes his popcorn and returns to his
AL Gave me his popcorn.
ANOUNC And now, our feature presentation.
KELLY Mom, did this ever happen to you when you dated?
PEG Uh, yes. Once. I was out with your dad, and we saw this really cool boy
that I was dating out with another girl. So I had your daddy beat him up.
You know, that's what I love about your dad. He's like a big stupid
guard dog. He didn't even ask why he was beating the guy up. He just
loved it so.
Peg laughs and pats Al's shoulder. They smile to each other.
PEG Honey, men are to be ignored. Just pretend you're married to this guy.
You won't care what he does.
KELLY Well, it's not so easy. I mean, I wear my heart on my sleaze. [to Al]
Daddy, what makes men cheat on women?
AL Women. Ah, pumpkin, don't take it personally. See, men are different.
We're loners, rogues, great white hunters, roaming wild and free, like
our ancestors, the mighty monkey. We need variety. In fact, women like
us that way. They want us to be that way. Women don't respect men unless
they cheat. That's why your mother doesn't respect me. But honey, if
it'll make you feel any better - boobie, I saw a boobie!
PEG Al, that is a forehead with a zit on it. Put on your glasses.
Al squints at the screen.
AL Ah, this is too much. I'm gonna go get some more popcorn, and complain
to the manager there's not enough hooters in this otherwise undistinguished
Al gets up and leaves.
KELLY God, I've never been cheated on before. Mom, am I losing it?
PEG Oh no, honey. You don't lose it till you're, like, fifty or sixty. I
mean, look at me - I am getting sexier, and yes, classier, every year.
Peg wipes her nose with the back of her hand and then wipes her hand on her
KELLY I can't be losing it. I gotta see something.
Kelly gets up and goes to sit next to a guy named Lex and his girlfriend.
KELLY Excuse me. [to Lex] Would you leave her for me?
LEX You bet!
Lex's girlfriend slaps him and leaves. Lex sits closer to Kelly and puts
his arm around her shoulder.
Kelly gets up and returns to her seat.
KELLY Well, that helped a little bit. I hate men.
PEG So does God. That's why he made 'em want us.
Bud throws his bonbon box on the floor so he can look up a girl's dress.
A guy walks by and steps on Bud's hand. Bud sits up and holds his hand in pain.
PEG Not to change the subject from men, but where is your father?
Al enters a dark movie theater and looks around.
AL [whispering] Peg! Kids! The hell are ya?
Al sees a woman with a hairdo that's similar to Peg's, and sits next to her.
AL Well, I complained to the stupid manager about the lack of hooters in
this film. You know, Peg, you're lookin' good in this dim light. Remember
what we used to do at the movies? Honk honk!
The woman screams. Al screams too and gets up.
AL [shouting] You're not Peg! Peg, help me!
PEG [shouting offscreen] Al!
AL [shouting] Peg!
PEG [shouting offscreen] Al!
AL [shouting] Peg!
PEG [shouting offscreen] Al, you're in the wrong theater again.
AL What?? Damn multiplexes.
AL Oh my gosh, I think I see a boobie. [shouting] Peg! Wait, I'll be over
in a minute. I think I'm seeing hooters over here.
The viewpoint returns to the theater where the other Bundys are sitting.
AL [shouting offscreen] I am seeing hooters here!
All the men in the theater get up and leave.
The movie theater where Peg and Kelly are sitting.
Caption: "45 minutes later". All the men who left return to the theater and
sit down, including Al and Bud.
AL [to Peg] That was a beautiful, lovely movie. I saw 22 hooters, bunch of
guys were killed, had no story at all. [emotionally] It had - it had
Al wipes a tear from his eye.
Jefferson enters and sits next to a blonde woman whose face isn't visible to us.
Soon they start to make out passionately.
KELLY Oh my god! It's Mr. D'Arcy! What, is everybody cheating on everybody?
You know, I have got half a mind to give him half the half of my mind.
Kelly gets up and walks over to Jefferson and the blonde woman.
KELLY You. Neighbor boy.
Jefferson and the woman freeze. The woman gets up, with her back to Kelly.
KELLY How dare you cheat on your miserable, flat-chested, aged, skinny little
wife with this obvious slattern? I mean, look at her! That hair, that
Kelly looks down and notices she is wearing the same dress as the blonde
KELLY Well, the dress is okay.
The blonde woman turns around and takes off her wig, and we see that it's
MARCY [whispering] Go away, you idiot!
KELLY [quietly] Oh, I see. You guys are role-playing. [shouting] Hey, Mom,
Dad! The D'Arcys are role-playing to get themselves hot!
Kelly returns to her seat. The D'Arcys look around sheepishly.
The camera focuses on Bud's face.
BUD [thinking] How am I supposed to score, sitting with my parents? I mean,
I'm a cool guy, and nobody knows it 'cause I'm with my parents. Next
time I'm gonna sit alone. Yeah! Babes can't resist a guy who sits alone
at the movies. Maybe I'll wear a raincoat...
Bud nods to himself, smiling. The camera moves on to Al.
AL [thinking] How long is this thing? She loves him, he loves her... I
can't take it. I'm gonna run amok and start dismembering everyone.
Al looks at Peg.
AL [thinking] And I'm gonna start with her.
Al puts his arm around Peg's shoulder.
PEG [thinking] Gee, this film has really touched Al. [emotionally] I see a
tear in his eye. I think I actually may get some tonight. Thank you,
Cosmo, you really do know men.
The camera moves on to Kelly, who's got some of her hair in her mouth.
KELLY [thinking] I like the way my hair tastes tonight.
Kelly turns her head and looks at Frank and his date, who are kissing.
KELLY I can't take this anymore. It's like Chinese waiter torture. I have to
Kelly gets up and walks over to Frank.
KELLY Hello, Frank.
Frank sits back, alarmed.
FRANK Kelly! Oh, uh... It - it's not what you think... You see, uh... I was
planning on using her dentist and I was just checking out his work.
KELLY Yeah, well, I might have bought that if I didn't know that you already
see an excellent dentist. But you know, it's okay. I mean, at first I
was hurt to see you with someone else, but, after all, I canceled the
date. It's my birthday, and it's time to handle my life maturely. I just
wanna let you know that I understand what happened and it's okay.
Kelly returns to her seat.
KELLY [to Al] Daddy, beat him up.
AL Of course, pumpkin.
Al gets up, walks over to Frank while his girlfriend quickly runs away, beats
him up for a while and returns to his seat.
AL And that's why cable will never replace the movie-going experience.
Al puts his arms around his family and they all smile.
The Bundys are still sitting in the movie theater, watching the credits roll by.
KELLY Oh, Richard Improta. He's supposed to be great.
AL Mmm. Sam W. Orender... sounds like a cartoon lizard.
PEG Hey, Richard Draney. He's legendary.
BUD Kitty Rourke and Thomas W. Markle... I heard they're secretly married.
AL Hey, look at that thing go. Mike Semon, my man. Whoa, here comes the
Directed by Gerry Cohen
Written by Ellen L. Fogle
Created by Ron Leavitt and Michael G. Moye
Produced by John Maxwell Anderson
EXECUTIVE STORY EDITOR: LARRY JACOBSON
CASTING BY TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A. AND STEVE CRAIG
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" MUSIC AND LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN REUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISOR / COMPOSER MICHAEL ANDREAS
ART DIRECTOR RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR JIM VARMER
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR SAM W. ORENDER
STAGE MANAGER STEPHANIE SCOTT
STAGE MANAGERS RICHARD DRANEY, SAL BALDOMAR, NILES GOODSITE
EDITED BY LARRY HARRIS
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE KITTY ROURKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR CARL STUDEBAKER
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR ROBERT A. BOWEN
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO J. MARK KING
CAMERAS MIKE CULP, MARK LACAMERA, BETTINA MYLENEK, DENNIS TURNER
RE-RECORDING ROY PAHLMAN, JOHN BICKELHAUPT
PRODUCTION STAFF GABRIELLE TOPPING, FRAN KAUFER, HELEN PAI, MARY E. STEWART,
ROCHELLE E. STATEN, DON BECK, GARRY BOWREN, BERT L. COOK, CARSON SMITH
COSTUMES MARTI M. SQUYRES
PROPERTY MASTER MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP PATTY BUNCH
HAIR STYLIST DOTTIE McQUOWN
DOG TRAINER STEVEN RITT
COPYRIGHT (C) 1993
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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