IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS
Ed O'Neill...............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal..............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate......Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley.............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog.............Buck
Al is sitting on the couch, dressed ready to go on a fishing trip.
AL) It is 5 AM and the morning sun is peeking through the pines of Lake Chunky. But it is no
ordinary morning, the fish must face more than just a sun today! The fish must face Al
Bundy - Bassmaster!
BUCK) Here it comes...
AL) I shall now cast...
Al casts the fishing line and it hooks Buck.
AL) Sorry there, boy! [he re-casts the fishing line] As Al lays his worm upon the waters,
a mighty hush falls over the woodland. What creature would dare disturb him?
Peggy appears at the top of the stairs, coughing.
PEGGY) Hi, honey.
AL) The loon, of course.
Peggy looks at Al's fishing rod.
PEGGY) Al, are you going fishing?
AL) Fishing? What makes you think that? Oh and Peg, by the way, and this is a totally
unrelated topic; If you're looking for me next week, I er, won't be around... I'll er,
be at work.
AL) It's a 5-day, 24-hour, daylight-moonlight, daylight-moonlight, daylight-moonlight madness
PEGGY) Well, then they did go to the right man for the job. Who but you could go daylight-
moonlight, daylight-moonlight, daylight-moonlight without showering or changing his
AL) Hey, the shoe game ain't for sissy boys, baby! Anyhow, in case you're gonna call, which
you never do, but which I know you would, just this once, all wives are strictly
prohibited from calling or coming anywhere near the shoe store for the entire duration of
the sale. Naturally, this has us shoe guys up in arms, especially me, 'cause Peg, Lord
knows, you is my inspiration.
PEGGY) Al, wait a second, honey.
Peg pulls a hair from Al's head.
PEGGY) You just had a hair on your head, don't worry, I got it. So now tell me where you're
AL) You're not tough enough to force it out of me!
Peg glares at Al.
AL) Going on vacation.
PEGGY) Good boy! Now, where we going?
AL) With any luck, to an early grave. But right now I am going to my boss's mountain cabin!
To fish and drink, and drink and fish, and sometimes even drink and fish, and fish and
drink. For one week I'm going to pretend that I am actually alive!
The doorbell rings. Al opens the door to Marcy.
AL) Oh, look Peg, it's the paper boy.
Marcy pushes Al aside and walks over to Peggy.
MARCY) Out of the way, shoe yeti! [putting her hands on her hips, like a chicken] Oh Peggy,
you'll never guess what Jefferson did!
AL) Misunderstood your cries of "pluck me" to the butcher?
MARCY) But clearly, your cries of "pluck me" to the barber did not go unanswered.
AL) Marcy, have the nerve to face me when your speaking to me! Whoops, you are! We gotta get
you a sign that says "front" and "back".
MARCY) Then we should get you one for your pants.
Marcy turns back to face Peggy.
MARCY) Listen to this! Even though Jefferson has a job, he is still charging his lunches on my
credit card... and you should see the size of the tips he leaves the waitresses, and you
know what he said when I called him on it? "Hey babe, I'm good-looking." That's his
answer to everything!
AL) What is his answer to the cries of "Hey there! Where are you going with that little boy?"
MARCY) Go pick your hiney. Women are talking. Anyhow, I refuse to spend another minute alone
with Jefferson. I don't even want to be in the same house as him.
PEGGY) Well then, I think I have the perfect solution.
AL) Peg, if this is what I'm thinking, I will have to unleash my Veto power.
PEGGY) You see, Al and I are going on vacation.
AL) Veto, I say. Veto, Veto, Veto!
Al is holding Peggy's and Marcy's luggage. All three are ready to leave to go on Al's vacation.
PEGGY) Oh, stop pouting, Al. If I don't see a smile, I will forbid you to come with us.
Al forces a smile.
PEGGY) That's better! Now come on.
AL) You didn't forget anything did you?
PEGGY) Nothing that matters.
As they open the front door to leave, Bud and Kelly appear at the top of the stairs.
BUD) What's going on?
PEGGY) Cheese it, the kids!
Al, Peggy and Marcy run out of the house, then a car is heard speeding away.
Bud and Kelly run downstairs to the door. Bud shouts into the street at the speeding car.
BUD) Curse you! I curse you to your worst nightmare, an eternity of being together... and you
can't leave the bedroom... and Grandma's there... and she's out of Depends!
KELLY) Mom and Dad just left us alone. Alone, with no parental supervision!
Bud thinks about this for a second.
BUD) And stay out! [he shuts the door] Yes, finally alone! Free, free to run amuck! [Bud rubs
his hands] Oh the hooters I'll be a-juggling.
KELLY) Yeah well, don't hurt your hand on the staples. But don't worry, End Of The Rainbow, you
can do anything you want. I mean, we have never been left entirely alone since we were in
diapers. Bud, we're free, with no responsibility to anyone but ourselves!
Their celebrating is cut short when Seven appears at the top of the stairs.
SEVEN) Hey guys, what's for breakfast?
Kelly shouts into the street at the long-gone vacationers.
KELLY) Curse you! Curse your mangy hides and the horses you rode in on. Look what they did to us,
[refering to Seven] they left us alone with this little walking booger.
SEVEN) I'm hungry.
BUD) Well, Kelly's stupid and no one's helping her.
KELLY) Yeah, and believe me, my mind was a terrible thing to taste. What if Mom and Dad didn't
leave us any food or anything?
BUD) Come on, Kel. Now I know Mom and Dad is not way up there on the evolutionary scale,
[Bud walks over to the refrigerator] but even Dung Beetles wouldn't go on vacation
without providing for their young.
Bud opens the refrigerator door and then comments on it's entire contents.
BUD) See? Who wants some baking soda on a cracker? That's not a cracker - it's a cockroach!
[the carton of baking soda starts to move] It's coming right at me!
[slams the door shut and moves away from the refrigerator] To tell you the truth, I'm not
sure which was moving which!
Seven is sitting on the couch.
SEVEN) Feed me, or I'm gonna be really annoying.
BUD) What are we gonna do, Kel?
Kelly goes over to the closet and takes out a blanket.
KELLY) The parakeet trick! It's what Mom used to use on you when you got hungry during her soaps.
BUD) What is it?
KELLY) Well, when a parakeet makes a noise you throw a blanket over it's cage, so they think it's
night and they go to sleep.
BUD) Come on, Kel, now that can't possibly work.
Kelly hands the blanket to Bud.
SEVEN) Food, food, food, food, food, food!
Bud throws blanket over Seven's head, and he falls asleep.
BUD) Well it's gonna be a week, maybe we should get him a little mirror and a perch?
KELLY) Well that's fine for him, What about us? I mean Mom and Dad didn't leave us any money.
What are we gonna do for food?
Bud and Kelly join Seven under the blanket.
Peggy, Marcy and Al arrive at the cabin.
MARCY) Boy, this ought to teach Jefferson a lesson, he didn't even know I slipped out of bed
AL) Well, maybe he's still out cold, having seen you slip into it. OK, Brunhildas... family
meeting! Lets go! Lets go! Gather around! [nobody moves] All right, stay there, I'll come
to you! That's better. Now, it's time to lay down the ground rules of the house. Rule
number 1: There are 2 bedrooms, I get one alone. You two can share one if you keep the
door closed while your changing, I don't wanna kill my bait. Rule 2: Speaking to me...
PEGGY) Al. Nobody's gonna speak to you. Nobody wants to speak to you. Nobody will speak to you.
That's why it's so great that Marcy came along. Women are much better company for each
other than men.
MARCY) Men really do just get in the way, don't they? Just think if they were all were dead,
there would be no more sports, no burping, no Howie Mandel... what a wonderful world it
PEGGY) Yeah, but maybe we could keep the gay guys, they're so much fun at lunch and really good
AL) Well, without straight guys to wrong you women, Where would they get those delightful
stories for those wonderful made for TV movies?
PEGGY) [to Marcy] Oh maybe we shouldn't have brought him along. Thank god we have each other!
MARCY) I know. We're best friends and sisters.
Al leaves them and heads for his cabin bedroom.
MARCY) And we will be forever. You know, women's relationships throughout history have been much
more supportive then those of...
Al closes the bedroom door behind him and looks up.
AL) My own room... Look Dad, it's all mine!
Al wipes a tear from his eye and sits on the bed.
AL) Got my own bed! I always wanted to have a bed of my own. How come I never had one? Ozzie
had his own bed, Father from "Father Knows Best" had his own bed, Mr. Donna Reed had his
own bed! Well Mr. Peggy Bundy's gonna have his own bed! I'm gonna go out there, right now,
and ask Peg if I never have to sleep with her again!
As Al leaves his bedroom, he walks in on a very heated argument between Peggy and Marcy. They
are both yelling at each other simultaneously.
MARCY) How dare you!
PEGGY) How dare you!
MARCY) I say you're responsible...
PEGGY) Well I think YOU were responsible...
MARCY) How dare you call me a Freeloader...
PEGGY) Nobody talks to me that way...
MARCY) I could have gone on my own vacation...
PEGGY) And if I want advice from you, I'll ask for it!
MARCY) Well I think I should have!
They notice Al.
MARCY) Oh Al, DO SOMETHING!
PEGGY) Oh Al, DO SOMETHING!
Peggy and Marcy run over to Al and hug him for solace.
Al is sitting between Marcy and Peggy, whom are still insulting each other.
PEGGY) You evil snippet!
MARCY) Eat yellow snow!
AL) Girls, girls, girls..."Girls"! Who am I kidding? - Seahags! Now what are you fighting
about? And it better not be stupid.
MARCY) It's not.
AL) Well, then go on.
PEGGY) OK, without looking in the cupboard, tell me, which way should the coffee cups be facing?
AL) And I thought it was just stupid.
MARCY) What's "stupid", is a woman who stacks them right side up so they collect dust!
AL) Well, at home, uh, in her defence, we recycle dust and make hot cocoa. In a few weeks it
PEGGY) It's not about the cups at all is it? What's really bothering you is the way my clothes
mould themselves to my body.
MARCY) Spare me the voluptuous rap, you Sasquatchian nightmare!
PEGGY) Chill out, chicklet chest!
Al throws down his hat and leaves them to continue their argument.
MARCY) How dare you talk to me about my cups...
PEGGY) I don't put my cups up side down so it don't collect any dust...
MARCY) Visitors come from miles around to see my cups...
PEGGY) You know, my cups are put away the way it suits me...
MARCY) Flying down the Grand Canyon!
PEGGY) Right side up!
MARCY) Up side down!
PEGGY) LET'S ASK AL!
MARCY) LET'S ASK AL!
Al tries unsuccessfully to hang himself.
Bud, Seven and Kelly are all still asleep on the couch underneath a blanket.
The doorbell rings, and Jefferson lets himself in.
JEFF) Anybody home? Hello?
Jefferson walks in, looks around and removes the blanket.
BUD) Feed me, feed me, feed me.
KELLY) Feed me, feed me, feed me.
SEVEN) Feed me, feed me, feed me.
JEFF) Yeah well, I guess this would be unusual in any other home but all things considered,
I'll just let this pass.
Jefferson takes some candy from his pocket and puts it into each of the hungry mouths.
JEFF) Bud, have you seen Marcy lately? I spent all day and night in bed yesterday cuddling with
her pajamas 'til I realised she wasn't in them. I was wondering why she was docile, I mean
she let me do anything I wanted.
Jefferson realises that Seven is listening.
JEFF) Uh, You know, like... have candy and stuff.
[to Bud and Kelly] You know where she might be?
BUD) She went on vacation with Mom and Dad, and left us here to starve with [referring to
Seven] this miserable little grub.
SEVEN) Hey, who are you calling miserable you little...
Bud puts the blanket back over Seven's head and he falls asleep again.
JEFF) Imagine the nerve of that woman, leaving me just because she's mad at me for using her
credit card... I mean, so what if I leave big tips with her money. What's the difference
if I do wrong? I'm good looking.
KELLY) You know, the attractive should have special rights. I think we should have or own parking
spaces. They could have a little circle with a sparkly smile, because looking at us makes
BUD) Ain't it the truth.
Kelly and Jefferson start laughing.
BUD) What? What are we attractive people laughing at?
KELLY) Not you, good lookin'!
Kelly and Jefferson start laughing again.
BUD) [To Jefferson] You ain't bad yourself.
JEFF) No kidding. How dare Marcy deny me anything! [Jefferson takes out Marcy's credit card
from his pocket] Besides I have every right to use this credit card, look at it, it says
right here, "Marcy D'Arcy"... D'Arcy - that's me!
KELLY) You know, I have a thought.
Bud and Jefferson laugh.
JEFF) That's almost as funny as you [referring to Bud] being attractive.
They all laugh. Bud catches on and stops laughing.
KELLY) Oh god, I needed that! Anyhow, here's my idea... I forgot it. But wait, here's another
one: I think that you should spend an enormous amount of money now, that way, when your
wife comes back, she'll appreciate how little you spent before.
BUD) Yeah, how mad can she get? We're good looking.
Kelly and Jefferson laugh.
They all laugh again.
Al is laying on his cabin bed, fed up.
Peggy and Marcy are still arguing in the next room. Al covers his ears with pillows.
Marcy and Peggy burst into Al's bedroom and snatch away the pillows from Al.
PEGGY) Al, would you settle an argument for us?
Peggy and Marcy sit either side of Al.
PEGGY) Al, sweetie. Which one has a loud obnoxious voice, me or Marcy?
MARCY) Wait a second! "Al, Sweetie"?
PEGGY) He's my husband, I'll call him what I want.
MARCY) Why don't you call him some of the things you call him when he's not around?
PEGGY) Al, you know I'm not proud of you, why would I talk about you?
MARCY) Oh yeah? Who said "What's the difference between Al and an egg? - An egg takes three
minutes to be done."
PEGGY) I said "Two minutes"... [to Al] and I didn't say that!
Peggy and Marcy start arguing again.
AL) Silence, feline beasts! Now we have been here ten hours, and in that ten hours the two of
you have only been quite twice. Once, when I asked "How come my luggage forgot to be put
in the car?", and then the other time for the hour that Oprah was on - which I find
remarkable since we don't have a TV!
PEGGY) Oh, alright Al, but I just have one more question: Which one of us has the firmest hiney?
Peggy and Marcy bend over on the bed, with their butts in the air.
Al screams and covers his eyes.
AL) Ah ah, I'm blind! I'm blind!
The Benny Hill melody commences and on screen captions list the following days:
Marcy and Peggy argue as Al sits at the dining table with a beer.
Marcy and Peggy argue as they follow Al into his bedroom, and then they follow him into
Al emerges from the bathroom, closely followed by Marcy and Peggy who are still arguing.
Day Five and Six
Al is surrounded by multiple images of Marcy and Peggy arguing.
The final caption reads: Al misses the shoe store.
Jefferson is in the Bundy's living room, and he is pouring himself a glass of wine. Seven is
sitting at the dining table, eating a huge meal.
JEFF) Are you happy now, Seven?
SEVEN) Mmmm, mmmmm.
JEFF) Are you happy, Kelly?
Kelly is laying on a table, having her back massaged by a hunk.
KELLY) Mmmm, mmmmm.
JEFF) How about you, Bud, are you happy?
BUD) I will be soon.
Bud claps his hands and in comes Mindy, a scantily clad Lingerie Store model.
BUD) May I see the back, please?
Mindy turns around and Bud falls of his chair.
MINDY) This is very unusual, Sir. Department Stores normally have Lingerie Shows - not guys in
their living room, but then, you Kennedys go your own way.
BUD) Please, "Kennedy" is so formal, just call me "Bud-Bud".
Jefferson is still placing orders over the telephone.
JEFF) That's right, 6 dozen roses. That's right, from me. That's right, to me. [laughs] Eh,
what the hell, send another dozen to a pair of pajamas - same address.
Marcy and Peggy arrive home and talk on the Bundy porch.
PEGGY) Oh, Marcy, that was the most relaxing vacation I've ever had.
MARCY) That's the thing about women, we can get in an argument and then talk it through
rationally and then work it out in a civilised manner like the sisters we are.
PEGGY) God bless us.
MARCY) He did, he made us women. To tell you the truth, I was just lost without my Jefferson.
I mean, so what if he tips big - he's good looking. I could forgive him anything.
Peggy and Marcy enter the living room, and stop dead in their tracks.
Jefferson has a very worried and guilty look on his face.
MARCY) Jefferson D'Arcy, I better not be paying for this! Do you have anything to say before I
JEFF) Er... Goodnight.
Jefferson puts the blanket over Marcy's head, but the Parakeet Trick does not work on chickens.
Jefferson peeks under the blanket, and then Marcy removes it.
JEFF) Are you still mad, honey?
MARCY) Do you know what a Melvin is?
MARCY) Then let me show you.
Marcy turns Jefferson around and pulls his underwear up his crack.
JEFF) Aaahrg! Oh yeah, we used to call them "wedgies".
Marcy marches Jefferson out of the house, still gripping his underwear.
Peggy storms over to Kelly.
PEGGY) Kelly, I wanna talk to you this minute.
Kelly quickly jumps up off the massage table.
KELLY) Yes, Mom?
Peggy dives onto the table to have her back massaged by the hunk.
PEGGY) [to the masseuse] Rub, dear!
KELLY) Hey, Mom, where is... eh... What do we call him... starts with an L?
KELLY) Yeah. Where is he?
PEGGY) Well he kept complaining how we ruined his vacation so I decided to let him stay up there
by himself for two whole days. I just left the key on the table while he was out chopping
wood. I hope he's finally happy.
The cabin key is locked inside the cabin, on the table, next to a radio.
The radio has been left switched on and a weather report is heard.
RADIO) Well, folks, get ready for another 8 feet of snow. But we'll let the poor saps who are
outside worry about that, right folks?
The camera pans over to the cabin door. Al is standing outside buried up to his
shoulders in snow. Al drools as a squirrel eats a nut right in front of him.
Directed by Sam W. Orender
Written by Michael G. Moye
Created by Ron Leavitt and Michael G. Moye
Produced by John Maxwell Anderson
Transcribed by Oscar Widegren
Revised by Ade Bundy and Marriedaniac
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home on the range