Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog............Buck
Joey Lauren Adams.......Janie
Al is sleeping in bed. He wakes up slightly to hear a sexy voice calling him.
Al turns to find a beautiful girl, Natalie, beside him.
AL [smiling] I knew you'd come back. They always come back.
GIRL You're poison, Al. But you're my kind of poison.
AL I'm hip! Pleasure me, baby.
He and the girl start getting it on.
THE SCENE BLURS
Al is now cuddling Peg; it was all a dream. Al doesn't realise it yet.
PEGGY Oh, Al!
Al's smile fades. Moments later, he look cautiously at who is there.
He sees that it's Peg and reacts in horror.
AL Aa-rgh! How dare you wake me up that way??
PEGGY Who'd you think you were kissing?
AL [thinks before answering] You.
PEGGY I want you to tell me the truth.
AL [sitting up] Oh, alright. I was kissing my dream girl. She was a magnificent young beast
with a great body and luscious hooters.
PEGGY Oh, Al. You do dream of me!
AL All too often.
PEGGY [sitting up] Now, honey, you might want to freshen up, we're going to your cousin Jimmy's
wedding. [grabs a toothbrush off her bedside table] Alright, open up.
Al opens his mouth and Peg brushes his teeth. Al then lifts his arms and she brushes the hairs
in his armpits.
PEGGY Oops, missed a spot.
She brushes Al's teeth again.
PEGGY There you are! Now you're all minty fresh.
AL No tartar under my arms!
AL Where's my suit?
PEGGY Oh God. Men never know where anything is. [gets up] A woman always knows.
[she walks around to the foot of the bed, to where Buck lies] Get up, Buck! Go on! [Buck
gets up] Good boy.
[Peg picks up Al's suit from underneath him and hands it to Al] Well, at least it doesn't
smell like you were wearing it.
AL Where's my dress shirt?
PEGGY Where it always is, honey, at the bottom of the hamper.
Peggy goes to bathroom hamper, tosses out four items of clothing, finds Al's shirt and hands it
PEGGY There y'are. You know, I swear, if your head wasn't attached to your body -
AL Yeah, Buck'd be sleeping on it. [Peg gives him a look] The shirt needs to be ironed, Peg.
PEGGY I don't feel like ironing.
AL But it's a wedding, Peg!
PEGGY Oh, alright.
Peg takes the shirt and puts it on the bed, then sits on it. Al holds her by the shoulders and
moves her around, then bounces her up and down - using her butt as the iron - then helps her up.
PEGGY There. I hope you're happy. [picks the shirt up] I'm exhausted. Now get dressed.
AL What for? You're just gonna go in there [points to bathroom] and make yourself over for
three hours till you look exactly the same way you do know. Where's my socks?
PEGGY Right here, sweetie. Here ya go.
She hands Al two mismatched socks. One has a big hole in the tip of it.
AL But Peg, they don't match! And look here, look at this! [he puts his hand through to the
tip of the sock with the hole in it]
PEGGY Alright, well, [picks up a pair of scissors from the dressing table and cuts the top off
the other sock] There you go. Now they match!
The lounge room.
Bud and Kelly are dressed in their wedding clothes, Kelly is wearing an off-white bridesmaid's
dress. There is a clock all wrapped up on the table. Kelly puts a bow on it.
KELLY Feels good to give someone something nice for a wedding.
BUD Yeah. They're gonna love this clock. It's an antique.
Marcy and Jefferson enter.
MARCY Have you seen our antique cuckoo clock?
Kelly and Bud stand and try to conceal the clock.
KELLY Do you have a warrant?
BUD If my sister could form a thought, what she meant to say was, we are sick and tired of
being accused of stealing every time someone jimmies open your back door with a crowbar
and takes a clock and a pastrami sandwich! Now we demand an apology!
KELLY Yeah. Yeah, and it wouldn't hurt to have pickles in your refrigerator either!
Bud looks at her.
BUD In other words, it wasn't us.
JEFF Well, you know Marcy, we really don't have any proof...
The bird pops out of the clock, breaking through the wrapping paper, and making a cuckoo noise.
Marcy runs over to it and sees that it is her clock. She rips open more of the wrapping paper.
MARCY It's Petey! See, I told you they stole my clock. Jefferson, they must be punished.
Something cruel and highly unpleasant.
JEFF How 'bout you sit them down and talk to them for a while? That's something they'll never
MARCY So you don't like our little talks? Well, we'll just have to talk about that. Admit it,
you've always hated Petey!
JEFF Now, why would I hate something that pops out every 15 minutes screaming "Cuckoo!
Cuckoo!" Every hour, every day, every week, "Cuckoo! Cuckoo!!" Keeps me up half the
night. I've seen Dionne Warwick and her damn Psychic Friends Network a thousand times.
Because of that clock. And look at my eyes. [he shows Kelly and Bud his eyes] Look at
them. Do you know how many cucumbers it takes to keep the puffy and the swelling down?
Well I do.
MARCY So, last spring, Petey really didn't just "fall" into the toilet bowl, did he?
JEFF I hated that clock. YES, I TRIED TO KILL HIM! I wanted him out of my life. Along with
your Elvis plates. And you whips and your paddles and your big...
MARCY OK, honey, I don't think this is appropriate talk to have in front of the little thieves.
Where are your parents?
Kelly and Bud shrug just as we hear Al and Peg's voices from upstairs.
AL [o.s.] Peg, leave it alone! It happens to be mine!
PEGGY [o.s.] But it just hangs lifelessly. Let me fiddle with it, I'll straighten it out!
AL [o.s.] For God's sake, Peg, you're gonna pull it off!
Kelly, Bud, Jefferson and Marcy all have disgusted looks on their faces.
Then we see Al and Peg -- they are fiddling with his tie.
AL [holding up his tie] Now it's too long!
PEGGY Most women like it that way!
AL I don't care what women like! I'm the one who's gotta lug it around!
He swings his tie back and forth.
Back to the lounge room.
MARCY How can these children possibly know right from wrong? They need a strong male figure in
JEFF What are you gonna do, Marcy, move in? [laughs]
MARCY What exactly do you mean by that? Do you think I'm bossy? 'Cause I don't think I'm bossy,
not bossy at all, Missy! Or are you calling me masculine? 'Cause I'm not masculine, I'M
FEMININE! [she puts her hand on her hands] Now, if you don't want a hook [punches the
air] to the liver, little man, you'll pick up the clock and march on home!!
Marcy looks insane as she points at the door.
Jefferson sheepishly gets up and tries to pick up the clock, but fails.
JEFF It's kinda heavy, Marcy
MARCY [sighing] Just get the door.
Jefferson opens the door, Marcy picks up the clock very easily and marches out past Jefferson.
JEFF [to Bud and Kelly] I can lift it. Yeah, and I can lift it when it comes time to dump Ol'
Petey in the toilet! [closes the door] Hey Petey. Surf's up.
He walks off.
The Bundys' bedroom.
Al is sitting on the bed, clearly bored. He is dressed in everything but a jacket. Peg comes out
of the bathroom in a black dress and is carrying two pairs of shoes, one gold, one black.
PEGGY [holding out the shoes] Which shoes do you like better?
AL I don't care.
PEGGY Which shoes do you like better?
AL I don't care!
PEGGY Come on, Al, I'm your wife. I'm a reflection of you and I wanna look good for you.
Besides, you are a shoe professional and I'd like your opinion.
Al feels privileged by Peg's comment.
AL Well, considering the color of your hair, the color of the dress, the time of the day and
the nature of the event, it is my professional opinion that... I like the gold.
PEGGY Fine, then I'll wear the black. [she throws the gold shoes on the bed] Now hook me up.
She points to her dress and turns around. Al stands and does up her dress.
AL You know, why is it that women buy clothing that fastens in the back so they need help to
get dressed? I mean, you don't hear men in the locker room say, "Hey, Fred, gimme a hand
with this zipper."
PEGGY They're just saying, "Hey Fred, smell this. I don't need a shower do I?" [turns around to
face Al] So how do I look?
AL Mmm... you look nice.
PEGGY Then I have to change.
Peggy goes into the bathroom. Al calls out after her.
AL I was only kidding ya, Peg; you look terrible! I'm embarrassed to be seen with ya. Come
on Peg, let's go!
He sits on bed, defeated.
The living room.
Bud and Kelly are sitting on the couch, Kelly filing her nails.
BUD Kel, I need some help. There's going to be some girls at this wedding and I'm planning on
buttering one up. What do you think would be my best pick up line?
KELLY Alright, how 'bout this, "Hey Miss, I'm the Keebler Elf! Would you like some free
cookies? If you've got the time, I've got the hollow tree."
BUD Yeah, maybe I asked the wrong person. You're used to responding to "Yo. Here."
KELLY Oh, okay, you little gibbon. How 'bout this. When you see a girl, but before she sees
you, stand on her feet so she can't run... They you say to her "I think you are the most
beautiful girl I've ever seen. I'd like to share a night of incredible sex with you. No
names, no questions, no regrets. Come be one with me."
BUD You really think that's better than, "Let's do it. I have my own bedroom in my parent's
Kelly does not look to sure about that approach.
The doorbell rings and Kelly goes to answer it. Two other girls [Corky and Heidi] in bridesmaid
dresses are there, one in pale green, one in pink. They are all excited.
GIRLS Hi! Hi! Everybody looks so great, so great...
Kelly closes the door.
KELLY The three of us are going to make one beautiful bridesmaid!
KELLY Hey, wait a minute. Are we in different colors?
They look at their dresses.
CORKY Well, you'd know, you're the smart one.
KELLY Let's color co-ordinate.
The three of them run upstairs, Bud watches them. They stop on the stairs at look at Bud.
HEIDI Who's he?
CORKY I don't know! From up here he looks like an ant.
They laugh and go upstairs.
The doorbell rings again. Bud answers it and there is a pretty girl dressed in jeans and a
t-shirt waiting outside.
JANIE Hi. Where did Corky and Heidi go?
Bud closes the door as Janie came inside.
BUD Uh, one of them had an idea and the others are crowning her Queen.
JANIE Well, they were supposed to come right back out; I'm driving them to the church.
Bud walks around Janie, studying her.
JANIE See anything you like?
BUD 'Deed I do.
Bud takes Kelly's advice and steps on Janie's foot so she can't run away.
BUD I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I'd like to share a night of
incredible sex with you. No names, no questions, no regrets. Come be one with me.
JANIE What? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. I was distracted by the pain. You're standing on my
Bud removes his foot.
JANIE Did anyone ever tell you how much you look like the Keebler Elf?
BUD Well, you wanna come upstairs and see how cookies are really made? What am I saying.
'Course you wouldn't.
Bud turns and starts to leave but Janie reaches out and grabs Bud's tie, whips him around and
JANIE Let's go upstairs and bake.
Bud runs eagerly half way up the stairs, stops, then comes back down and grabs Janie's hand.
BUD You should come too.
They run upstairs.
We see the exterior of the Bundy house.
KELLY [o.s.] Now thanks to me, we match.
Now the interior of the house, as Kelly, Corky and Heidi come down the stairs dressed in
identical short black leather dresses, each with a different belt. Heidi goes to the front door.
KELLY I think we made an excellent choice. Nothing says "Bridesmaid or easy" like short, black
HEIDI Hey, Janie's not in the car.
CORKY Well, we can't wait for her, we'll be late for the wedding.
KELLY Relax, they can't start the wedding without her, she's the bride!
The living room.
Kelly is on the phone. Corky and Heidi are sitting on the couch.
HEIDI Well, she couldn't have gone anywhere, her car's still outside.
Kelly hangs up the phone and sighs.
KELLY I just called Information. They are morons. They didn't even know that Janie was getting
married! They didn't know anything. They didn't even know who I was! God, they should
call themselves "Stupidnation".
CORKY Where could she be?
KELLY [picking up the phone] She's in here with the time lady and the weather guy and that jerk
who goes "beeep beeep beeep" when you leave the phone of the hook!
She hangs up the phone and sits on the couch.
KELLY Sometimes I wish I could yell real loud so I wouldn't need a phone at all.
CORKY Uh, Kel, I was talking about Janie. God, what could a bride be doing before her wedding?
Janie comes down the stairs, hitching up her pants. Her hair is slightly tousled.
JANIE Hi guys. Uh, Bud was just showing me around your house. Wow. Cool outfits! Nothing says
"Bridesmaid or easy" like short black leather! Well, come on, let's get me married!
The others get up and Corky and Heidi links arms with Janie.
HEIDI Are you nervous?
JANIE Not anymore, I'm loose as a noodle!
Kelly calls upstairs to Bud because she knows exactly what Janie meant...
Bud comes down the stairs in his robe, smoking a pipe. When he gets to the bottom of the stairs,
he chokes and coughs. He recovers, raises his head proudly and sits on the couch.
KELLY [angrily] What did you do!?
BUD A gentlemen never tells. [pauses] I HAD SEX! With a girl!! And I did it good!
KELLY Oh my God.
BUD That's what she said. Twice!
KELLY What, once you got undressed and again when you put on your bunny slippers?
BUD Save your barbs for someone who's not getting any. Like Mom. I feel good. Yep I do! Talk
all you want. Nothing can bring me down.
KELLY You just had sex with your Cousin Jimmy's bride!
Bud's smile fades.
BUD Well, that did it!
Al is lying on the bed and Peg is standing at the foot of it. She now wearing a leopard print
PEGGY God, I looked great! [looks in the mirror] I am so glad I'm not one of those women who
needs a lot of make-up.
Al looks at her a moment.
AL Oh please! Only Tammy Faye, Cza Cza and Bozo use more!
He stands and moves over to Peg.
PEGGY Oh come on Al, admit it. I look great!
Al shoves Peg out of the way so he can look in the mirror. Peg stands behind him.
AL Hey, I'd look great too if I used make-up. I'd be one dynamite looking babe. In a
masculine way. I could highlight my eyes, they're my best quality. Baby blue. Like
Sinatra, Newman, the sea. Oh, that may be my second best quality, 'cause I'm known for
my killer butt.
Al flexes his butt in the mirror.
PEGGY Oh yeah, it's very nice, honey. And has more hair on it than your head.
AL That's 'cause my butt doesn't wake up in the morning looking at you!
PEGGY That's not your butt?
She laughs and Al cringes.
PEGGY [straightening Al's collar] Oh god, we have so much fun together. Especially when we're
belittling you. [she laughs and shove Al out of the way to look in the mirror again] But
I really do. I think I looked as good as I did the day we got married.
AL Well, that's your opinion, you take the calls.
Peg turns to Al.
PEGGY Now, come on, Grumpy. You know you love me. Go on, say it.
AL I don't want to.
PEGGY Come on, Al.
AL I love beer, I love bowling. I don't wanna cheapen the meaning of the word.
PEGGY Alright then, don't say it. Just kiss me. And make it a good one.
AL Well, I'd almost kinda rather say it. [Peg keeps looking at him] Oh, alright.
Peggy raises her hands to her lips.
PEGGY Oh Al, now you've ruined my make-up! Oh, I'll have to start all over. I'd never thought
you'd really kiss me. God, what an idiot!
Peg goes into the bathroom. Al can't believe what has just happened.
AL [stuttering] Oh, Peg! Ah!
He stutters and mutters, then slumps onto the bed, grabbing his tie like a noose around his neck.
The living room.
Bud is pacing up and down the room. He sighs.
BUD I can't go to the wedding! I must never see Janie again. Although the poor girl might
kill herself if she find out she can never touch this again [gestures to his body] I know
I would if I couldn't touch me again. [runs his hand over one of his pecs] Oh God! [feels
his bicep] Oh God!
Janie enters in her wedding dress.
JANIE Boy, that really is safe sex. Bud, there's something I have to tell you. I think what we
did might have been wrong, you know, the wedding and all. Look, I made a mistake. I don't
know how I couldn't done this.
BUD Don't blame yourself. Blame god for giving me this body!
Bud rips open his robe to expose his chest, blinding Janie.
JANIE No, it was my fault. I wanted a final fling with somebody I could never be interested in
or attracted to, and you were perfect.
BUD Thanks, baby! Knew it was perfect. But your right. We can never do this again. For
JANIE And ours. Since we both know he was a psychopathic ex-con.
JANIE I mean, ten years up the river...
BUD Oh, that's right, he killed once, I heard he did a drive-by...
JANIE Well, I gotta go now.
BUD Good luck.
They shake hands.
Al is asleep without his shirt or jacket on. He is cuddling a pillow. He smiles. He is dreaming.
AL I knew you'd come back. They always come back. But they don't always bring their sisters!
Al grabs another pillow and cuddles that too.
Peg comes out of the bathroom.
Al wakes up and realises where he is.
AL Ohh, you again.
He gets up.
PEGGY Come on, honey, let's go. And they say women are the slow ones. You know, this is an
historical first. We are actually in the bedroom and we're waiting for you to finish.
AL Peg, if I need the time, I will take the time, because I care about what I look like.
Al puts on his shirt, jacket and tie at the same time, as they are inside one another.
He scratches his forehead.
AL I'm ready.
PEGGY [half-heartedly straightening his tie] Honey, do you ever think about what it would be
like if we never got married?
AL Actually, I was thinking about that right now, Peg.
PEGGY Seriously, Al?
AL Seriously, Peg!
PEGGY Oh, come on. Your life would be hell without me and you know it. You couldn't find anyone
better than me. Come on, admit it. I'm your perfect mate, admit it!
PEGGY Alright then, why don't you give me a picture of what your ideal mate would be.
AL Fine. A magnificent young girl, with a beautiful face, slim thighs, and a firm apple of a
hiney, and a set of delicious scrumptious hooters.
They smile at each other.
PEGGY Oh, Al, it's me! Oh honey, you would marry me again.
She walks out of the room.
SCENE FIVE [same scene continued]
Peggy and Al enter from their bedroom and start to head downstairs, but stop when Bud and Janie,
arm in arm, round the corner.
BUD Hi Mom, hi Dad.
Bud and Janie stop in front of Bud's bedroom and start kissing passionately.
Al and Peggy watch them.
PEGGY What a beautiful bride.
Bud and Janie go in Bud's room, still kissing, and shut the door.
AL Looks like we have a little time before the wedding.
PEGGY Good. I didn't like this dress anyhow.
Peggy goes into the bedroom to change.
Al cringes and throws his hand on the doorframe in despair.
EXECTUTIVE PRODUCER: RON LEAVITT
DIRECTED BY: GERRY COHEN
WRITTEN BY: ARTHUR SILVER
CREATED BY: MICHAEL G. MOYE & RON LEAVITT
PRODUCED BY: JOHN MAXWELL ANDERSON
CO-PRODUCER: STACIE LIPP
CREATIVE CONSULTANT: KATHERINE GREEN
CREATIVE CONSULTANT: RICHARD GURMAN
CREATIVE CONSULTANT: MICHAEL G. MOYE
SUPERVISING PRODUCER: KEVIN CURRAN
CO-EXECTUTIVE PRODUCER: ELLEN L. FOGLE
CO-EXECTUTIVE PRODUCER: ARTHUR SILVER
CASTING BY: TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A. & STEVEN CRAIG
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS & MUSIC BY SAMMY CAHN & JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISOR/ COMPOSER: MICHAEL ANDREAS
ART DIRECTOR: RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR: JIM YARMID
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: SAM W. ORENDER
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY & STEPHANIE SCOTT
EDITED BY LARRY HARRIS
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE: KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: CARL STUDEBAKER
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: ROBERT A. BOWEN
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO: J. MARK KING
CAMERAS: MIKE CULP, MARK LaCAMERA, BETTINA MYLENEK & DENNIS TURNER
RE-RECORDING: ROY PAHLMAN & JOHN BICKELHAUPT
PRODUCTION STAFF: GABRIELLE TOPPING, FRAN KAUFER, MARY E. STEWART, ROCHELLE E. STATEN,
DON BECK, GARRY BOWREN, HELEN PAI, BERT L. COOK & CARSON SMITH
COSTUMES: MARTI M. SQYRES
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP: PATTY BUNCH
HAIR: DOTTIE McQUOWN
DOG TRAINER: STEVEN RITT
COPYRIGHT (C) 1993
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
A COLUMBIA PICTURES PRODUCTION
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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