DEATH OF A SHOE SALESMAN
Ed O'Neill.................Al Bundy
Katey Sagal................Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse..............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate........Kelly Bundy
David Faustino.............Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley...............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog...............Buck
Dan Castellaneta...........Funeral Director
James R. Sweeney...........Priest
Bill Applebaum.............Voice of Newscaster
Bud, Al and Kelly are watching a western on TV. Al has made imaginary guns
with both his hands and is "shooting" away happily. Bud and Kelly look glum
AL Ho ho ho! Isn't this great? Ah, look at The Duke. One of his finest
films: "I Shoot 'Em 'Cause They're Injuns". [to Kelly] As a woman
viewer, what's your opinion, Pumpkin?
KELLY Daddy, I would rather be reading. Does that tell you anything?
AL It tells me you're a girl, which means your opinion means less to me
than the dog's. [to Bud] Bud, what do you think?
BUD Well, Dad, I'm thinking this Duke guy walks a lot like you when you
have to go to the bathroom.
AL I copied that walk! 'Cause I figured the reason he does it like that
was that no one in these movies ever goes to the bathroom. That's what
the folks in show biz called subtext. You know, I wonder what kind of
toilet paper they used to use in the Old West.
KELLY [to Bud] Thank you for getting him started on this.
Peg comes in and gives the TV a look.
PEG Oh my God. It's The Duke. Now he's gonna start wondering where they went
to the bathroom.
AL And who invented the toilet bowl. I'll tell you, it'd make a better
movie than that damn Columbus. I mean, after all, America was already
here; it takes some thought to think up a toilet bowl.
BUD Dad, does this Duke guy still make movies?
AL [sadly] No, Duke is dead.
Bud and Kelly let out a sigh of relief. Kelly points at the TV screen.
KELLY What about that guy, Daddy? Does he still make movies?
AL Hehe, Blackie Rabinovitz, king of the bad guys. Alas, he's dead too.
BUD What about the white guy playing the Indian?
Bud points at the TV screen.
AL He's dead.
KELLY What about the white guy playing the black guy?
BUD And him?
BUD And him?
Bud points again.
AL Dead. They're all dead. Everyone in every movie I like is dead. Only me
and Charlton Heston are still alive.
A mule is heard bleating on TV.
AL Wait! It's Fuzzy! See the way his hat's turned sideways? That's how you
know he's a sidekick.
Al laughs joyfully.
AL Look at it, Fuzzy's riding his mule Dadgummit backwards. [chuckles]
Fuzzy McGee, the greatest of the sidekicks. Now look, he's gonna chew
On the TV, we hear Fuzzy McGee spit, and then we hear his mule bleat.
AL He's hit that mule on the foot. Now watch, now watch, he's gonna go
We hear Fuzzy McGee go "wooooah" on TV. Al laughs.
AL Fuzzy McGee! He's still alive. Matter of fact, he's still working. He
just made a commercial just the other day. You know, that one for adult
diapers, "Soak 'Ems". You remember - "when you just can't quite say
'woooooah' anymore." [chuckles] Oh, Fuzzy McGee. He'll outlive us all.
TV We interrupt "Western Geezer Theater" for a special announcement.
Chicago's beloved Fuzzy McGee, better known to our younger viewers as
Sheriff "Soak 'Ems", died today. [Kelly and Bud high-five behind Al]
Fuzzy is survived by his trusted mule Dadgummit.
Al gets up and goes to sit at the kitchen table, next to Peg.
AL I can't believe it. Everybody's dead. Makes you think about things, Peg.
Life and death... where we're headed, what's it all mean... why when a
woman's shoe size is 9, her sock size is 10-13? It just doesn't make
any sense. I think that's the one that bothers me the most.
PEG Don't worry, honey. You know, men have confusing sizes too. I mean,
look how big your thumbs are, and yet, uh... hmmm...
Al looks irritated.
At the graveyard. We see a close-up of a tombstone that says "Fuzzy McGee,
1902-1992". The camera zooms out a bit to show the priest who is standing
behind the tombstone.
PRIEST Fuzzy McGee. Fuzzy was married three times, he had 10 children and 22
grandchildren. Not to mention millions of fans all around the world.
Never was a man so beloved. Well, I guess we're all here...
The camera zooms out and we see that only Al and the mule Dadgummit are
attending the funeral. Al wipes his eye with a tissue, and then wipes the
PRIEST Anyhow, he died. So will you, so will I. I'm depressed. I'm going home.
The priest leaves. Al walks over to the grave.
AL Well, boy, I guess you and me are the only one who cares.
The mule leaves. Al spits at it and the mule bleats. Al chuckles.
AL Well, I guess it is up to I to speak at Fuzzy's last roundup. Fuzzy
McGee. There was a man. And a great sidekick. Where are today's sidekicks?
Oh, the potential of a young Rick Moranis, or Steve Guttenberg or Martin
Short. Oh, the goofy, limping, word-mispronouncing sidekicks they could
be. But instead they wanna be stars. Well, good luck. Short couldn't
even hold his own in "Three Amigos". But Fuzzy knew his place. He was a
sidekick. He was a wuzzy wuzzy sidekick, was he? He really was. Well,
Fuzz-man, this one's for you.
Al starts singing.
AL [singing] Happy trails to you, until we meet again. Happy trails to you...
An Italian family walks over to Al. One of them addresses Al.
MAN Excuse me, sir, my grandfather died. He loved "O Sole Mio". Two
dollars, you sing to him?
AL [singing] O sole mio, o so -
Al stops singing.
AL We're talking about cash, right?
AL [singing] O sole mio.
Al starts walking away with the Italian family.
Peg is at the kitchen, fixing a drink. She takes a milk carton out of the
refrigerator, sniffs it, makes a disgusted sound and puts it back in the
refrigerator. Al comes in.
AL Peg! Good news.
PEG They've raised minimum wage for the bald?
Al walks over to the refrigerator.
AL You don't deserve it, but I'll tell you in a second. I've been singing
all day, my throat is parched.
Al takes the milk carton out of the refrigerator and drinks from it. Peg turns
away in disgust. Al offers her the milk carton but she declines.
AL Does the body good. Mmm, mmm, got some milk stuck in my teeth.
Al wipes his mouth on the back of his hand.
AL Peg, I need to talk to you. After watching that movie the other night,
it made me think about where I wanna spend my final resting place. So I
went right out today and I bought a plot. I couldn't wait, 'cause I've
decided that I want to spend eternity next to someone that I really
PEG Oh, Al.
AL So I decided to be buried next to old Fuzzy.
Peg laughs bashfully. Al looks baffled.
PEG Oh, honey!
AL And the mule!
Peg laughs harder.
PEG Oh sweetheart. You know, honey, they really don't need their own plot.
Very sweet of you to think of 'em, though.
AL The hell are you talking about? I'm gonna be buried next to Fuzzy McGee
and Dadgummit the mule.
PEG Well, what about me? Ah, come on, Al, let me be dead with you. You know,
we never do anything together anymore.
Al and Peg sit on the couch.
PEG If this is the way you re-pay my love, when you die I'm gonna bury you
in a dress. With white hose that make your legs look thick.
Marcy and Jefferson come in.
MARCY We were just wondering: do you know where Seven is?
PEG [indifferently] No.
MARCY Well, let me put your mind at rest. He's been living with us for the
last three days. He walked in and wouldn't leave.
JEFF He's improving slowly. He still can't read, write or use a knife and
fork, but he has learned how to chant "Kill the Bundys" with the other
MARCY If you don't mind, we were thinking of renaming him Henry, after my
PEG Sure, that's okay. Whatever.
AL What do we care? Do what you want.
MARCY What we want is for you to come and get him. He's irritating. He calls
us "dad" and "little dad".
PEG Marcy, we don't have time for this now. We're in the middle of an
argument. Al doesn't wanna be buried next to me. Isn't that the most
ridiculous thing you've ever heard?
MARCY Well, frankly, yes. I think when two people take the marriage vows, it's
sacred. That's why I'm going to be buried next to my husband Steve.
JEFF Uh, my name is Jefferson, and I'm your husband now. And oh, by the way,
we are not in bed so there's no excuse for calling me "Steve". He is
MARCY Oh, don't take it personally. Every woman screams out "Steve" during
sex, don't they, Peggy?
PEG Not me. It's too long a name.
MARCY [to Jefferson] Oh, now, don't pout. You've got all this now, you're
already in heaven.
AL Ew, God.
MARCY Why worry about later?
JEFF Oh, so I'm just the one whose sharing a bed with you in these, your
declining years? Marcy, I want you to take care of me when I'm dead.
I want my hair done by my own hairdresser, not the guy down at the
mortuary. You know, the guy who does Al's hair. I'm warning you, Marcy:
I'm not gonna soap up and dance for you until this is provided for.
MARCY You have to tonight. My mother's coming!
JEFF Marcy, I made that video tape for her so she wouldn't have to come over.
Oh, I'm telling you, I think I feel a headache coming on.
MARCY Oh, all right. You know I can't say "no" to you.
Marcy and Jefferson kiss.
MARCY Oh Steve.
Jefferson takes Marcy by the hand and leads her towards the door.
JEFF All right. We are going home, and I am gonna rock the Steve out of you,
MARCY [smiling] It always works.
Marcy leaves and closes the door.
PEG Why don't you ever rock me, Al?
AL 'Cause I'd rather stone you. You know, Peg, I've been thinking. I've got
one pair of clean underwear from that three-pack you bought me in the
spring of '79. I'd like to be buried in that.
PEG Fine. Impress Fuzzy with the underwear that I bought you for our 13th
anniversary. You know, you male corpses are all alike. Never a thought
for the women who spent her life getting you into that grave. You have
no idea what it's like out there. A dead woman, alone. No man is
interested in a dead woman. And if he is, he wants a dead young woman.
Boy, my life is over. I'm gonna be a dead woman with children. Oh my
God. Who will wanna marry a dead woman with children?
AL Well, maybe Mickey Rooney.
PEG By the time I'm dead, I'll be lucky if it's Andy Rooney. I'm not
kidding, Al. I wanna be buried with you.
Al shakes his head.
PEG I feel a whine coming on.
AL Oh God, no.
PEG Yep. Yep. I feel it coming.
AL Peg, don't.
PEG [whining] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal! Aaaaaaaaaaaal! I don't wanna be alone!
You don't love me!!!
AL All right, Peg. You've already ruined my whole life. May as well ruin my
PEG Oh, Al!
AL [glumly] "Oh, Al" indeed.
At the funeral house.
The funeral director is showing some caskets to a couple named Harry and
DRCTR Here's a fine casket.
HARRY Very nice.
DRCTR And this one is top of the line. Solid bronze, with a comfy velvet
The funeral director opens the casket and we see Al lying inside.
LORR Oh my God, there's a dead man in it. Harry, he looks like somebody dug
Al sits up.
AL How long was I out?
Harry and Lorraine run away, screaming. On their way out they pass by Peg,
Kelly and Bud, who are standing nearby.
PEG Gee, they must've smelled your father's socks.
BUD Mom, if I may be so bold: set aside the funds you were gonna spend
today, and trust us to handle the details when the dark day comes.
KELLY [to Bud] I thought you said that we were just gonna throw them on a
grill and flush their ashes down the toilet. Have you changed your
mind? What, are you getting soft?
Peg looks at Bud and Kelly and laughs. They laugh too.
PEG [laughing] You two scamps certainly have a fine sense of humor.
Peg hurries over to Al.
PEG [to Al] Honey, we have to buy, and we have to buy today.
She turns around and waves to Bud and Kelly, laughing. They laugh and wave
back, but start scowling as soon as she turns her back to them.
PEG So, you like this one?
AL Yes I do.
PEG Well, I don't. I'd like to see something else. We need a little more
room up top. You know, for my hair.
DRCTR Oh yes. Well, with a little customizing we can give you a bubble top,
designed to bring big hair safely into eternity.
PEG Gee Al, I have a bubble top.
AL Hehe, and you will, as long as they make strong bras.
PEG You love The Guys.
AL I do!
Al and Peg play around with their hands.
DRCTR I must say, you two are planning your funeral a bit early. You must
have some terminal disease.
The funeral director laughs wickedly, while stroking the coffin.
AL Yes. Marriage.
DRCTR Ah, yes. We get quite a few of those. Most people feel that marriage
eases the transition to death. If you'll excuse me, I see some customers.
The funeral director walks over to Bud and Kelly.
KELLY [to Bud] So we are gonna burn them to a crisp?
BUD Yes, that's what I was trying to tell you.
DRCTR Say, you kids dying?
KELLY No, virgins are just pale.
BUD Thus the healthy hue on her face.
DRCTR So, you're brother and sister. Well, it's never too early to plan your
funeral. With the world being what it is today, let's face it: you kids
don't stand a chance. Can't say that I'm not pleased about it, though.
[chuckles] A lot of young people are planning their funeral nowadays.
It's the "hep" thing to do. In the funeral business we say: "Can you dig
The funeral director laughs.
KELLY Sir, you are one cool ghoul.
DRCTR Yes indeedy, oh so. Let's talk coffins, shall we? Ah. This one just
screams you, young fella.
The funeral director leads Bud and Kelly to a coffin with a turtle-shell top.
DRCTR This is our Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle coffin. I understand Michael
Jackson got one for Macaulay. Ssh, it's a surprise.
KELLY Oh, my brother doesn't need a coffin. You can just put him into a Trix
BUD [to the funeral director] She only says that 'cause I do it like a
PEG Kids, don't you think that Daddy should wear his wedding ring when he's
AL I married you 'til death do us part. Which means when I'm dead, I'm free
Al, Peg and the funeral director are standing in the graveyard, next to Al's
PEG This is it? This is your final resting place? Well there's no spot for
AL That's why it's called a resting place.
PEG Well, it sucks. I wanna be buried above ground. I don't like all these
insects bothering me. They always bite me. It's 'cause I'm so sweet.
AL [to the funeral director] Maybe it's because of the 200 bonbons she puts
away every week.
PEG I want another spot.
AL Well, fine, Peg, get yourself another spot. But I have my spot. I'm
going to be buried next to the Fuzzball.
DRCTR You'd better let me know if you don't want it, because Fuzzy McGee was
considered a genius in France. I believe they called him "Le Grande
Fuzz". And when news of his passing hits Paris, this place will be
swarming with a lot ruder people than you two.
AL I was smart to buy when I did.
PEG Would you tuck that big hair back into your nose?
Al grabs his nose. Peg pushes past him and walks over to the funeral director.
PEG [to the funeral director] Now do you see why I ordered a bubble top for
him too? By the way, I have heard that your nose hairs continue to grow
after death, so could you bury him face up? That way, the nose hairs
can sort of break through and it'll be like we have our own tree.
AL And it'll be free.
PEG Anyway, I wanna be buried next to Al, so this is what we're gonna do.
We're just gonna move Fuzzy over. Who's got that one next to him?
DRCTR That's reserved for his beloved mule.
PEG Well, certainly we can move the mule. We'll just chop him up, and bury
him in some crummy cans of dog food. That way, everybody's a winner.
Then, we dig up the Fuzzter, put him into the mule-hole, and I will go
Peg pats Fuzzy's tombstone.
PEG Then Al and I can be together forever.
AL Hasn't it already been forever?
PEG Honey, just pretend we're in bed and let me take care of everything.
[to the funeral director] How much for everything?
DRCTR All right, let's see.
The funeral director takes out a calculator and starts typing.
DRCTR That's bubble tops, digging up dead man, ignoring deceased's last wish,
grinding of mule into pulp... tax plus tip... let's say: 27,000 dollars.
AL [chuckling] Well, we might have to cut out a few frills. How much is it
if it's just for the two plots and you toss us in?
DRCTR That depends. Are we doing the digging or are you?
AL Well, I figured the wife would.
DRCTR Let's cut to the bottom of the grave, Sir: what do you have to spend?
AL A hundred dollars.
DRCTR You looky-loos. It's people like you that take the joy out of death.
The funeral director turns around and notices some other customers.
DRCTR [to the people offscreen] Oh, say! You folks look real sick. And your
daughter looks like she'd be mighty greatful to save a buck. If you know
what I mean...
The funeral director walks away.
AL Peg, it's a shame. We don't have enough money to bury you. But I'm gonna
be dead alone. Oh man, I can't wait!
PEG Well, what about me?
AL Well, Peg, I don't care about you. You work it out for yourself. Bury
yourself wherever you want. I'm not moving.
Al lies down on his plot. He rolls sideways to face Fuzzy McGee's grave.
AL Well, Fuzzy, just me and you now. Thank God. She'd have driven you
crazy. And by the way, in case you overheard, I never would've let her
move Dadgummit. I love that damn mule. Hey, by the way, we might be
getting a tree! Oh, man, the time we're gonna have. I'll tell you about
all my high school football stories, and you can tell me where they used
to go to the bathroom in the old west. My guess is it's by the horse, so
you could blame him.
Peg returns with the funeral director.
PEG Okay, Al. We took care of everything. And it's only going to cost you
a hundred dollars.
AL It doesn't involve moving me?
PEG Nope, you can stay right where you are, next to Fuzzy.
AL Fine, then I don't care.
Peg lies down on top of Al, so they're face-to-face.
AL What are you doing, Peg?
PEG Well, I'm just showing you where I'm gonna be. We're gonna share a
grave. They're gonna stack us. Isn't that great? And whoever dies first
is on the bottom.
AL That'll be me!
PEG I know!
The camera zooms onto the sign: "Reserved For A. Bundy".
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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