THE CHICAGO WINE PARTY
Ed O'Neill ............. Al Bundy
Katey Sagal ............ Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse .......... Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate .... Kelly Bundy
David Faustino ......... Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley ........... Jefferson D'Arcy
Kari Coleman ........... Muffy
Pearl Shear ............ Volunteer #1
Cynthia Allison ........ News Anchor
Hartley Silver ......... Storekeeper Jim
Michael Goldfinger ..... Doug
Ed Burke ............... Man
Flora Burke ............ Volunteer #2
Jim Chiros ............. Activist #1
Cynthena Sanders ....... Activist #2
Cindy Margolis ......... Beer Girl #1
Robin Killian .......... Beer Girl #2
Tonya Poole ............ Beer Girl #3
Funky, sultry blues music is heard. Al walks down the streets of Chicago. Al steps on a piece of
gum. He tries to lift his foot and in doing so we can see how bad a condition his shoes are in.
Al manages to scrap the gum away and keeps on walking. He stops in his tracks when he finds a
penny on the ground. He picks it up.
AL Hotcha! [he flips the penny in the air] Another penny closer to retirement.
Al continues walking. There are lots of "VOTE" signs around. Al passes a man on the street.
MAN Hey Bundy, car broken down again? No one will give you a ride, heh?
AL Well, maybe I should've asked your wife. She always gives everyone a ride.
Al walks up to a newsstand.
AL Hey, Jim.
JIM Hey, Bundy.
AL Did the, uh, new copy of "Girls With Big'Uns" come in yet?
Jim gestures to a pile of magazines on the counter. Al picks one up.
AL I just think I'll, uh... look before I purchase...
Al turns away. He whips out a miniature camera and takes a picture of the pictures inside. He
gives the magazine back to Jim.
AL I think I'll uh... I'll bring it tomorrow, Jim.
Al continues on his way. He passes several tables with activists trying to get Al to sign things.
ACT #1 Hey mister, sign this petition and save the trees.
AL Who cares?
ACT #2 Hey mister, sign this petition to save the world from nuclear holocaust.
AL Who cares?
A man named Doug mans another table.
DOUG Hey buddy, they're gonna raise our beer tax two cents.
AL Oh my God! Well, this has to be stopped!
DOUG Let's us give you a beer and we'll tell you all about it.
AL Why ask why?
Doug gives Al a beer.
DOUG Would you like to watch our movie "The Story of Beer"?
AL God, would I!!
The man prepares the movie. Al quickly grabs another free beer.
The movie comes on. It says "The Story of Beer" and music plays. Then we see three hot babes in
bikinis on the beach. They all say "BEER!" Then these words appear on screen: The End.
The Bundy house.
Marcy is giving a political speech to Peggy, Kelly, Bud and Jefferson.
MARCY And even for people like you, Election Day is very important. So I'm hoping you'll put up
some of these campaign signs outside your home.
Marcy hands some signs to Peggy.
PEGGY That is a wonderful idea, Marcy. This one can cover the bird doodie at the front of the
house. [she hands the sign to Bud and looks at another] Oh, and this is a pretty one! We
can put this on the porch where the plaster's coming away from the wall, you know, where
Al likes to kick it before he comes in.
BUD Wait a minute, Mrs. D'Arcy. [holds up a sign] Support Toxic Waste Dumps? You'd ne - you'd
never vote for this.
MARCY Of course not. I've given you posters of the issues that I oppose. Because if people
think the Bundys are for 'em, we know the whole neighborhood will vote the other way. We
like to call it "Harnessing Hate."
PEGGY Well, anything short of voting, we'd be glad to help.
MARCY Oh, Peggy, you really should vote. This year we can really make a difference. This is the
year of the woman. Everyone I know is going to vote for a woman regardless of her
qualifications or her stance on the issues. Right, Jefferson?
JEFRSN Sure! Actually, I wouldn't mind having a woman as President. Especially if it was you,
Marcy. [he hugs her] 'Cause I'd make a great First Lady. yep, and I'd have a big
important issue like uh, "no littering"... or, uh, "Nice hair for everybody." You know,
National Hair Care Centers.
KELLY [in awe] God, how cool!
JEFRSN Oh, I think I could do a lot of good being in bed with the President. And I really think
that if anybody could, I could make them forget about Jackie Kennedy! And you know I
don't mind prancing it for the voters. [he dances on the spot] And then, [to Marcy] when
you get shot... [Marcy looks curiously worried] Oh, I'd marry a rich Greek. 'Course,
she'd have to shave her legs, and under her arms... oh, and her lip. And she'd die and
leave me a fortune and I'd become an editor.
Bud looks at Jefferson uneasily.
JEFRSN Oh, well what are you staring at? Like you've never thought about becoming First Lady.
Bud looks quickly around the room, then down in shame.
MARCY Honey. Shut up and look beautiful.
JEFRSN I'll sign that, Bill!
Jefferson smooths his hair and sits down.
Al enters. He's covered in various VOTE and BEER badges and is stinking drunk. He carries a big
bunch of bananas.
AL [looking around the room] Hi, Peggy! Bud. Kelly. Jefferson. [to Marcy] Bud. I just found
out what's wrong with America! [checks his watch] Seemed to have lost about three hours
of my day... Bought this bunch of bananas...
PEGGY Ah, kids, take the banana upstairs with the tangerines Daddy bought the last time he got
Kelly and Bud take the bananas from Al and start upstairs.
KELLY God, I hate to see him like this.
BUD I know. I don't like to see him happy either.
They leave. Al addresses the others.
AL Family, did you know that along with an election coming up, there's something big going
on! They're trying to sneak by a two cent beer tax. Two cents! And what really gets to me
is, that the money they're gonna raise is gonna go for education! Well, I'll be damned if
I'm paying two cents for some moron to learn how to read! I mean, when is it gonna end? I
mean, pretty soon they'll be taxing... income!
MARCY Well, Al, it's nice to see you care about something besides wondering whose back is
hairier - yours, or your dog's.
AL Or whose chest is hairier - mine or yours.
Al laughs, then walks around to Jefferson, tripping on his way.
AL Jefferson, can I depend on your support?
JEFRSN Oh, I'm sorry, Al. I don't get a ballot. Marcy sends mine out absentee so she's sure who
I'm voting for. But I'm gonna be First Lady, you know!
AL Give 'em hell. Come on, Marcy, you above all people should be concerned about all this
tax. I mean, after looking at yourself in the mirror all day you must drink!
Al laughs again.
MARCY I do not drink. I occasionally imbibe. And only wine. And only with a fine meal. Or a
good cheese. Or to enhance sex. Or if I'm only for fifteen minutes... But luckily they're
not trying to increase the tax on wine. That would unfair to the rich. [smiles]
AL So. Wine is free, hey? The workingman pays for everything. But, a few French people and a
couple of guys who don't like girls, they get off for free!
MARCY Peggy, can you talk some sense into him?
PEGGY [getting up] I'm sorry, Marcy, but I have to agree with Al one hundred percent. [stands
near Al] Y'see, if it wasn't for beer we probably wouldn't even be married. In fact, the
only time Al touches me is when he's had eight to ten beers. [Al's hand slowly comes into
view and starts groping Peg's hair and shoulder] Ohh, he's an animal.
Al leaps on a smiling Peg and starts licking her shoulder and biting her.
PEGGY Oh God, I love it! Would you excuse us!
Al and Peg fall behind the couch, out of view. Moments later, Peggy cries out.
PEGGY Oh, Al! You were MAGNIFICENT!
Al is heard grumbling sleepily.
PEGGY Honey, No! You can't go to sleep now. We have company. Come on.
Peggy stands up, laughing, and pulls Al up with her, who rubs his eyes.
MARCY Well, I guess I can't persuade you on the beer tax since it brings you so many seconds of
pleasure... But this is an important election. I mean, it's all gonna come down to just a
few votes. So, I need to mention some of the other issues. For instance, a tax that will
go towards purifying Chicago's air.
AL They want me to pay so people like you can breath fresh air. Peg, write that down.
PEGGY Got it. [she retrieves a pad and pen] "No" on clean air.
MARCY Alright... well, would you consider the plight of the speckled songbird? To preserve it's
melodious tone, we must protect this area from further development.
AL So those little bastards can sit outside my window and sing all night and I don't get no
sleep? Peg, write that down.
PEGGY "No" to nature. Got it.
AL Now Marcy, how do these moronic issues ever even come to the public?
MARCY Well, they're suggested by your elected officials. Your councilmen, your senators, even
AL So it goes right to the top, huh? Well, something has to be done! Kids! Get down here
right away. I have something very important to tell you.
Bud and Kelly start downstairs.
KELLY Finally, he's gonna to tell me I'm not really his daughter!
BUD No. He's going to tell me I'm not his son.
KELLY But you look just like him.
BUD That was pretty low.
KELLY I'm sorry. I went too far. I'm really sorry.
Kelly hugs Bud. They continue their way downstairs.
KELLY Good luck! I hope you're not his.
BUD I hope you're not.
They stand in front of Al.
BUD Dad, who's our real father?
AL Well, about a thousand blood tests say it's me.
Bud and Kelly look disappointed.
AL Now, kids. The USA has been run too long by people who know the issues. People that watch
the news on TV, read books, generally pay attention... well, no more. 'Cause now it's
time that WE had a say in the future of America. Family... [he puts his arms around his
family] the Bundys are gonna elect a President.
The voting booths, actually a dry cleaner's.
A female anchor named Muffy is giving a news report in the room.
Off camera, there are two tables with ladies sitting behind them. One table has a sign that says
"A-J", the other, "K-Z".
MUFFY The polls have been open across the nation for six hours, but it's now official [gestures
toward the empty booths] that not a single person in America has yet turned out to vote.
Not only that, Bob, but I understand that nobody's even watching our election coverage.
So I've been told to do whatever it takes to get you to tune in.
Muffy lifts up her skirt to reveal her stockings and garter belt. The cameraman eagerly kneels
down to film them.
MUFFY You won't see that on F-Troop, folks.
She drops her skirt but the cameraman is still filming her legs. She gestures for him to stand
MUFFY Now that I have your attention, be aware. If any people show up to vote today, the future
of this country is in their hands.
The Bundys enter. All four are wearing patriotic red, white and blue clothing.
AL Voters coming through. Make way [pushes the cameraman aside] Make way. Voters coming
through. Family, breathe the democracy. [they all take a deep breath and sigh, satisfied]
This is where it all happens. Yes, in a dry cleaner like this they elected Washington and
Lincoln. And [turns around] at a round table where this volunteer sits, they signed the
Declaration of Independence. And from the looks of her, she was probably there to see it.
Peg, get a picture of me and Betsy Ross here.
Al stands next to the elderly volunteer and makes her pose. Peggy takes a picture.
AL Ah-hah-right! Now, down to business. [he walks around to the front of the table] I'm
Bundy, Al Bundy, and I'm here to serve my country.
VOL #1 Then please consider a minty mouthwash!
AL Just give me a ballot, you crone.
The lady gives Al a ballot. He tucks it under his arm and heads towards the toilet.
VOL #1 Not there, Mr. Bundy, that's the bathroom!
PEGGY That's alright, ma'am. That's where he makes all his big decisions. Uh, my name is Bundy,
Peggy Bundy. And I would strongly advise you to learn the lesson that my Uncle Herald
learned the hard way: If you're wearing a pacemaker, do not follow him into the bathroom.
Peggy takes her ballot and leaves. Kelly approaches the table.
VOL #1 What's your name?
VOL #1 Oh, you should be in the Ks.
KELLY Oh, thank you.
Kelly moves to the next table.
VOL #2 Name?
VOL #2 You should be in the Bs.
KELLY Oh, thank you.
She goes back to the first table.
VOL #1 Your name?
VOL #1 You should be in the Ks.
KELLY They don't want me over there.
Kelly moves to the other table anyway, and Bud approaches.
VOL #1 Your name please.
BUD Ah, Bundy. Bud Bundy.
VOL #1 Is this your first time?
Bud's smile fades.
BUD Are you kidding? Why does everyone look at me and just assume I'm a virgin? 'Cause I'm
not! Could a virgin tell you the name and the last book read by every Playboy centerfold
in the last ten years?? I've been there and back, baby. I know the female body like I
know my own hand.
The volunteer looks uneasy.
BUD I mean, the back of my hand. "Bud, oh Bud!" they scream. Why, once, I even took a girl...
VOL #1 Sir! I just meant... is this the first time you're voting?
BUD Oh. I guess that's something I can admit to. Yes, yes it is. Tell me, where do I go and
what do I do with it?
VOL #1 I bet that's not the first time you asked that!
BUD [leaning in] I know what you're doing. You're trying to tear me down because you want me.
All girls do that. I know you're twitching under your girdle. Well, dream on, Methuselah!
Bud rips a ballot from the pack and heads off. Kelly returns to the table.
VOL #1 What's your name?
Kelly starts crying under the pressure.
VOL #1 Oh, honey, it's okay! [giving Kelly a ballot] Here, take a ballot. Hell, this is Chicago.
She gives Kelly another ballot.
Al, Bud, Kelly and Peggy are voting in their respective booths.
KELLY [v.o.] Hey, is it yellow in everybody's booth? [pokes her head through the curtain] Oops,
never mind, just had hair in my eyes.
Peggy starts crawling on the floor along the booths, passing Kelly and Bud.
PEGGY [pushing their legs asides] Excuse me, haha. Sorry kids, I just have to ask Daddy a
Peggy stands up when she gets to Al's booth. Only their legs are visible.
AL Hey, woman! What are you doing in here? This is sacred... Hey now Peg, that's sacred too.
PEGGY Take me, Al. Right here with the fate of democracy in your hands!
Al, grunting, sits up on the bench.
In the streets, the Bundys are watching the election results on a TV in a department store
ANCHOR And now for the election news. There's good news for those who think Americans no longer
care about the electoral process. In the largest turnout in the last three national
elections, a full one half of one percent of all registered voters actually did vote.
Give 'em hell, America!
The Bundys high-five.
ANCHOR Now let's look at some local returns. The beer tax passed 25,000 to 10,000. [the Bundys
look upset] And the closest race, the so-called Save The Earth clean air amendment passed
by a vote... of 5 to 4. And now, we're going to hear from our President elect, as we take
you live to his campaign...
The Bundys walk away, defeated.
BUD We lost everything.
KELLY Not one single thing we wanted passed. I guess Bundys don't count.
BUD Or add, nor read.
KELLY Or get a woman.
PEGGY Or a man.
KELLY What a waste of a day. [Al walks past them] It's all Dad's fault. I mean, he made us part
of the electrical process. Once again, we learn that we mean nothing.
PEGGY Hmm. [walking over to Al, the kids following her] Well, at least we tried.
BUD And failed, as usual.
MAN Kid's right - give up. We did.
AL No, we can't quit.
MAN Are you saying we should try again next year?
AL No! To tell you the truth, I'm never voting again. Like marriage, no matter who you
choose it turns out bad. Unless you're rich. They get everything they want - well, fine!
Let them have their birds and their air and their - even their Presidents. We cared about
beer. And they took it away from us. [people start to gather around Al] Yeah, sure, what
do they care if a man who sells shoes or fixes cars or totes that barge or spears that
doodie in the park has to use his whole pay check to buy one beer... what do they care?
They're at their outdoor restaurants eating their little pizzas and drinking some fine
wine in the No Smoking section with their sexy skinny second wives. But we're breeding
with peasant stock! [to the offended Peggy] No offence, Peggy. One thing I know: we're
never going to win through the system. Voting has never been the American way. We didn't
get away from that pansy country England by voting! We did it by throwing their stinkin'
tea in our American habor! [the crowd cheers] And why? Because Americans don't like tea.
We like coffee. And Americans don't like wine. We like beer! Ice cold... Ice-cold-best-
So let's show 'em how a beer man votes. Let's get blitzed and take it to the streets.
Let's strike a blow anywhere they dine al fresco. Anywhere they eat brie cheese. And
anywhere they wear their pants up high around their waist in the [with disgust] European
way. [the crowd nods in agreement] The only thing that Americans understand is mindless
Tom 'n' Jerry cartoon-like violence! So let's go kick some elite butt. Give me beer, or
give me death! Or both. Let's pillage.
The crowd cheers eagerly and sets off.
The Bundys are watching the riot on TV. A Frenchman (and his poodle) is seen being chased by some
Americans. A frantic Marcy is seen being chased also.
Muffy comes into view to give a report.
MUFFY And in the biggest election related story, people are being urged to eat at home or at a
rib joint. Whatever you do, stay away from any restaurant that starts with "Chez".
Frenchmen, as if they had to be told, should stay at home. [A workingman joins the
anchorwoman] An angry mob lead by a balding madman screaming, "I sell shoes, damnit, and
I'm stinking drunk!" has run amok, and they've turned the streets white with foam.
The man at Muffy's side puts his arm around her. Another man hands her a beer. Another man,
looking at a centerfold, is seen approaching.
MUFFY [reading the label on the beer] Beer forever. [takes a sip] Mmmm, woohoo!
The man with the centerfold shows the picture to the still-smiling anchorwoman.
MUFFY Oh, that's lovely. Thank you. [the man walks off] Anyway... [she pushes the guy's arm off
her shoulders] the two percent beer tax that was overwhelmingly voted in is being
reconsidered in a special midnight session of a cowering city council.
The Bundys, now on their couch, were watching the broadcast.
AL Heh heh heh. Well... it looks like the little man finally might've won one. You know,
it's amazing. I feel more like an American now than ever before. By the way, does anyone
know who was elected President? [Peggy, Bud and Kelly all shake their heads] Ah, what's
the difference. [to the camera] But whoever you are... read my lips: [slowly] Don't tax
Al puts his arms around his family and they smile.
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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