AL ON THE ROCKS
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck....................Buck The Dog
Patron #1:..............Sherlock Ganz
Bud is sitting on the couch reading a magazine. Buck is on his armchair.
Kelly comes downstairs in her nightgown, yawning.
KELLY What time is it?
BUD [checking his watch] Three thirty.
KELLY A.M. or B.M.?
KELLY You know, I don't know why they call it B.M. Why don't they call it P.M. for Post Meridian?
[sits next to Bud] God. Sometimes I feel like I am the last bastion of good sense in this
forsaken outpost of humanity. By the way, are my shoes on the right feet?
BUD [looking down] No.
KELLY Oh, so that's why they hurt. Where's Mom?
BUD She's out with Seven. He sneezed, Mom panicked and she took him to a doctor.
KELLY Doctor? She never took us to the doctor. I remember I had a 109 degree temperature and all she
did was bleach my hair.
BUD That's because her mom always told her, "bleach a cold, raise a beaver."
KELLY Gee, I thought it was, "feed a pimple, raise a troll."
Peg enters, cooing over Seven.
Peggy's wearing her coat and Seven is wrapped up in a jacket, scarf and beanie.
PEGGY Coosh coosh coosh, my little sweet man! Look, Honey, it's Al's children.
Neither Kelly nor Bud look pleased.
BUD Hi, Mom. Everything go alright?
PEGGY [hanging up her coat] Oh God, what an ordeal. I took Seven to a dozen specialists. They all
agreed: he just sneezed. You can't put a price on that kind of news! 'Course those doctors
sure did. But I guess I just overreacted. I won't make that mistake again.
Bud suddenly sneezes. Peggy shields Seven with her arms.
PEGGY Get out of my house! Get out of here before you infect this child!
BUD Mom, it was just a feather at the end of my nose.
PEGGY Well, that's what they said when the black plague started. Now, I'll have none of that here.
Just wait outside 'til it passes.
Bud starts out the front door as per Peggy's orders.
KELLY Gee, Bud, sometimes life's a girl, huh?
PEGGY And I want you out, too.
KELLY Why me?
PEGGY You were talking to Bud, you might've been infected.
Kelly reluctantly starts out.
KELLY Mom, it's freezing out there!
SEVEN Gee, then I better shut the door.
Seven slams the front door shut with a shivering Bud and Kelly on the other side.
PEGGY Oh, hi, Buck! We're home. Now you can play with Seven.
BUCK Oh my God. I better sneeze!
Peggy opens the front door. Buck, laughing, walks out to join Kelly and Bud on the porch.
PEGGY I can just feel the mommy in me.
Peggy, laughing happily, takes Seven over to the couch with her.
KELLY So you'll talk to Mom about letting us back in?
AL [either not listening or not caring] Yeah, sure.
Al hangs up his jacket.
SEVEN Hi, Daddy. I had a question but Mommy said to ask you. Where do babies come from?
AL Well, generally speaking a six-pack and two horny teenagers.
PEGGY He's just kidding. He really has no idea. Now, go play with Daddy's pennies. But don't lose
any, they're for our retirement.
SEVEN Daddy, what's retirement?
AL Uh, it's what men do when they die and women do when they marry.
Seven exits upstairs.
Al sits next to Peg on the couch.
PEGGY Aw, Honey, feeling a little glum? Well, this'll cheer you up. You know how you're always
saying if I want money I should get it myself? Well, today I needed money to pay Seven's
doctor bills. Get ready to be proud of me. [Al raises a hand to his forehead] All by myself,
I took cash that was sitting doing nothing out of that pretty red envelope.
AL You mean, the one in the mailbox? That was addressed to our mortgage company Eviction Trust?
PEGGY Well, I wouldn't know about that, Honey. When I open envelopes not addressed to me, I just
take the money. But I never read them. I feel that would be an invasion of privacy.
AL And yet you have no problem living in my bedroom. Peg, don't you see the envelope was a
pretty red one because the bank is a little mad at us because we haven't paid them low these
many months. But, on the good side, we'll be moving to a roomier space now. It goes by the
Kelly and Bud open the door and peer in, freezing cold.
KELLY Uhh, are we ever gonna be let back in the house?
AL No, kids. None of us are. See, Mommy spent all of our mortgage money.
Kelly and Bud nod in despair and shut the door.
PEGGY Well, Al, you'll just have to do something.
AL Alright, I will. [starts screaming like a baby] No-o-o-oooo! I want my Mommy! Ahh!
Al is on the phone.
AL I don't want no excuses, I want that five bucks you owe me! I don't care. I'll see you in
prison, Mom! [hangs up] Deadbeat. [to himself] Gotta get a second job. Gotta get something
to pay for all this.
Al sits on the couch and picks up a newspaper.
AL Alright, here we go.
Jefferson enters. Kelly and Bud are still outside.
JEFF Hoo! Hey, Al. Came over to borrow some ice but I'd just chip it off your kids. [sits next to
Al and looks at the newspaper] Ahh-ew, the want ads. Husband's second worst fear. The first
of course is hearing "Oh God. What am I supposed to do with that. It scares me!" But you
get over that fear after a thousand women have said it.
AL Listen, Jefferson, let me ask you something.
AL How does Marcy let you get away with not working?
JEFF Well, Al, I'll tell ya. Whenever the subject comes up, I just... give her a ride on the ol'
Jefferson Airplane. Yep, yep.
KELLY Help us.
MARCY I can't, I'm a Republican.
Marcy shuts the door.
JEFF Wha-hey, here's my little frequent flyer now.
MARCY Jefferson, where have you been? Now, you know what a difficult day I was going to have. And
all I asked was for you to fix me a bath and some supper and serve it to me in your bicycle
shorts. But you did absolutely nothing.
JEFF Nothing? [feeling his arm] You think that my skin is naturally this smooth? Takes work,
Jefferson indicates the smooth skin on his right arm. Al decides to have a feel too.
AL Hey-hey! That is pretty smooth. Hey, you wanna tell Peg what you're using here? Well, this
JEFF Oh, thanks, Al.
AL Well, thank you!
MARCY Oh, please. Now listen, Missy. I am through paying for your fanny buffs. [walks over to get
in between Al and Jefferson] Would you mind getting your hand off my husband?
Marcy gives Al a smack.
MARCY [to Jefferson] And you! It's time you got your little apple butt in gear and got a job.
JEFF [getting up] Well, why don't we talk about this at home, Marcy? Harken, I think I hear your
flight boarding right now. [sexily] We'll have you strapped in in a minute, baby.
MARCY [getting turned on] Well, alright. But we are gonna talk about this job thing.
JEFF Oh, yeah. Feel this, Marcy.
Jefferson sticks his butt out and Marcy rubs it.
MARCY Oh my goodness. [beat] What was I saying? Oh well, it couldn't have been that important.
Listen, I'm gonna go home and get ready for take off.
JEFF [to Al] Get a wax, baby. You never look back.
Jefferson exits too. The kids are still freezing outside.
Al goes back to the job ads in the paper.
AL Alright, let's see here. Uh-huh. "No education, no experience and no drive necessary." Now,
what kind of stupid job could that... [reading again] Oh yeah, shoe salesman... Hey, here's
one! "Bartender in a topless bar." Well, I think I could handle that. All it takes is a
little maturity and as we know, I am a mature man. [laughs giddily] Hehehehe! [cups his
hands] I'm gonna see boobies!
A bar called "Manhole". There are some women seated at the bar.
The boss, a woman called Gladys, sits at a table, writing. Al enters and approaches her.
AL You the boss?
GLADYS Yeah. What can I do for you, sweetcheeks?
Gladys seems to staring at Al about crotch level.
AL Well, for one thing you could look at my face when you're talking to me! And for another,
I'm here for the bartending job.
GLADYS [standing; looking Al up and down] You'll do. You'll do just fiiine.
AL [punching the air with joy] Hot doggie! When do all the topless babes get here? [to the
boss] Oh my God, it's not you, is it?
GLADYS No, it's not me. [smiling] It's you.
Al gives a startled look to the camera.
Still at the bar. The women are awaiting more drinks.
PATRON Hey bartender, let's hurry up with those drinks!
Al peeks out from the behind the employees entrance. He closes it again, then bravely enters.
He is topless alright, with just a bowtie around his neck. He also wears blank pants and is carrying
a tray of drinks. The women in the bar scream. He tries to conceal his nakedness by his arms but is
still pinched by a woman as he passes her.
PATRON Awww, he's shy. Let's see it, baby. Honk Honk!
Al changes his mind.
AL Well, if you've got it, traunt it!
Al loses his modesty and goes for it. He parades around the bar serving drinks.
Music: "Tuff Enuff" by The Fabulous Thunderbirds.
A hord of screaming women surround the bar. They move apart and we see Al in a Cocktail-like scene.
He flips two bottles and catches them. He pours a drink into a mixer. The woman scream and wave
money around. Some stuff it into Al's pants. Al is clearly enjoying himself. He mixes the drink and
shakes it above his head.
Bud and Kelly are the kitchen table, wrapped in blankets. Both are ill.
Kelly has a thermometer in her mouth. Bud sneezes a couple of times.
BUD What's your temperature?
Kelly tries to measure the distance on the thermometer with her fingers, going cross-eyed as she
KELLY This long.
BUD Kel, that's not how you do it. It's not how long it is.
KELLY Yeah, right.
BUD Or how smart it is. [pats her head] Let's see what the thermometer says.
Bud takes the thermometer out of Kelly's mouth and looks at it.
BUD Kel, this is a meat thermometer.
KELLY Well, what am I supposed to do? I'm not a fish. [she looks dizzy]
BUD Kel, you don't look so good. You're not going to pass out or anything, are you?
Kelly faints. Peggy comes downstairs.
BUD Mom, I think Kelly passed out from her fever!
PEGGY Oh, my. Well, after I feed Seven, I'll bleach her hair.
Al enters. He is wearing a black overcoat and sunglasses. He takes off the coat to reveal his attire
- black leather pants and vest. He takes off his sunglasses coolly. He saunters to Peggy.
Peggy holds her hands up as to encourage Al away. Al just grabs her hand, dips her and gives her a
AL How's it feel, Peg, to get for free what every other woman in Chicago has to pay for? Go
ahead, touch it, Peg. Touch the tush that sets Chicago a-fire.
Al displays his tush for touching.
PEGGY Well, if you don't mind...
Peggy points to her own tush.
PEGGY And no on to you, Honey. Tell me, is that money in your pants or are you, uh... Well, let's
face it. It could only be money.
AL Yep, there's another kind of green in my underwear now, Peg!
Al pulls out a wad of money from his pants and gives it to Peggy. She starts counting it.
PEGGY Oh my God, Al. After all these years of experimenting, you've finally something to do with
your pelvic area.
AL Wait, Peg, there's more.
PEGGY Oh, Al. You've been saying that for years. I think it's time we dropped the senseless
charade. But it's fine, Honey, really it is.
AL It's better than fine, Peg. It gives change!
Al swings his pelvis around and we hear coins rattling. Peggy excitedly picks up some of the money.
AL [laughing] Oh, Peg. Yeah, I feel good, yeah I do! I quit my show job, Peg. No time for it,
really. Don't regret the shoe business though, t'was a pleasant little intelude, 'til I
found my true calling: Shakin' Al Junior and The [does a funny move and points to his butt]
PEGGY [orgasmically] Ohhh!
Peggy sits on the couch still holding Al's wad of cash.
PEGGY You know, Al, I'm not sure, but... I think I might've just had one.
Peggy finds some random bits of paper in with Al's money and reads them.
PEGGY Hey... Mary? Doris? Beth? Al, these are other women's phone numbers. I don't know if I like
AL Do I see the red-headed monster of jealousy?
PEGGY Well, I don't know. Should I be jealous?
AL Well... yes! I mean, look what they're all seeing, Peg. Same thing God saw in his
imagination when he said "let there be man." But Peg, as ugly as these women are I still
come home to you.
PEGGY I don't know, Honey. I love this money and I know those women are ugly. But, y'know, the
truth is I'm not a very good wife. I don't do anything for you. I mean, what if these other
women finally started paying attention to you? It's a long shot, but I can't take that
chance. I want you to quit.
AL Oh, Peg. It's hard to tell these to quit!
Al poses and flexes his biceps.
Marcy and Jefferson enter. Marcy starts laughing at Al.
AL What's the matter?
MARCY Oh, nothing, I just had a Village People flashback.
AL People pay to see me like this.
MARCY Oh, okay. So will I. [giving him money] Here's a dollar. Sing YMCA. No, wait, here's two
dollars. [gives him another dollar] Put a shirt on. I can't stand to see you topless.
AL At least people know when I'm topless. My back has bigger breasts than you.
MARCY No, you're front has bigger breasts than me.
PEGGY You leave me Alsie alone! He has to dress like this for his second job.
MARCY Second job? Jefferson, don't you think it's time you got a first job?
JEFF Uh, come on, Marcy. Let's go do the "Oh Jefferson".
MARCY [not falling for it] Fine. Oh, Jefferson, get a job! You may be cuter than I am, but it's
time you started pulling your own weight around here. I mean, if I wanted peanuts, I'd fly
JEFF Look, Al, you gotta help me.
AL Alright, alright. When you're with Marcy, shut your eyes real tight and picture one of The
Golden Girls. That oughta be a step up from reality.
JEFF Thanks, Al, I'll do that, but I'm talking about this work thing. I mean, I'd die, I'd just
die if I had to give up my prime two P.M. manicure appointment. If I miss it even one, I
just know some damn woman's gonna scarf it up.
PEGGY Ohh! So you're the bitch with two o'clock! You know, I've been wondering who that blonde was
Eduardo is so in love with.
JEFF C'est moi.
BUD Dad, do you think now that you've discussed Mom and our stupid neighbor's problems, don't
you think you could pull a dollar out of your g-string so we could have some aspirin?
AL Son, are you here?
Al shakes his head and turns his attention back to Jefferson.
AL Jefferson, I might be able to find you something - and - at night.
Al takes Jefferson's arm and leads to the couch with Peggy.
AL Peg, you gotta feel this.
Al holds out Jefferson's arm and Peggy feels it with her finger.
PEGGY Well, of course it's soft, Al. He's Eduardo's pet.
AL Well, I'm just trying to tell you that it's enchanting.
JEFF Gee, Al, you sure know how to make a man feel good.
AL Well, it's easy when I'm around you.
Al and Jefferson realise they're smiling at each other. They straighten themselves out and try to
AL Hey, you know the Bears are playing?
JEFF Yeah, football. What a game, huh?
Jefferson crosses his legs, then uncrosses them. Al and Jefferson try not to let their arms and
AL Anyway... you stick with me tonight, and you'll see the Dalai Lama of guy do his thang.
The Manhole bar. Music: "Tuff Enuff" by The Fabulous Thunderbirds.
A crowd of women are again screaming and waving money. The crowd parts and it is Jefferson they are
now screaming over. Jefferson is topless and wearing a bow tie, like Al. He throws a bottle behind
his back and catches it. He pours a couple of drinks, all the while accepting the bills being
stuffed in his pants.
At a nearby table, Al sits, alone and depressed.
JEFF Oh, hey, remember, ladies, I do weddings and bar mitzvahs.
Jefferson kisses a woman's hand and the ladies all sigh. One woman approaches Al, who stands ready
AL Yes, ma'am?
WOMAN Would you give this to the cute one?
She slaps a note to Al's chest, not taking her eyes off Jefferson.
AL [making a fist] Why, if you were a woman, I'd...
Jefferson throws two ping pong balls in the air and catches both in his jeans.
Al looks sad and miserable.
Peggy is sitting on the couch.
Al enters. He is still sad, but now he has "GO HOME" written in lipstick on his chest.
PEGGY [sadly] Did you get any more phone numbers Mr Casanova Bundy?
AL Well, Peg, I uhh... I was thinking about what you were saying, you know, about being jealous
and all, and, uhh... So for you, I uhh, gave up my topless career... [looks down] and, uhh,
wrote "GO HOME" on my chest.
PEGGY You got fired, huh?
AL [sobbing] Yes, I did! [sits next to Peg] Jefferson took all my women and now there's
no-noth-nothing in my pants!
PEGGY You have no money and you want me to console you? God, what a woman you are. Well, Al, I
have some good news and some bad news.
AL Oh, It's not a good time now, Peg.
PEGGY I understand. Anyhow, Seven coughed, so I took him a dozen doctors. Specialists actually.
The good news is, he's fine, but the bad news is, those specialists were very expensive. But
don't worry, Honey, I took care of it myself. I just took money out of that envelope that
you were gonna use for your car insurance.
A car is heard swerving outside, then a crash.
MAN [o.s.] Damn Dodge!
The car drives away.
PEGGY Gee, Honey, that might've been your Dodge.
AL Uh-huh. Well, maybe I could get my old job back. Unbelievably enough the position has not
been filled! Oh my God, I'm a shoe salesman again.
Al buries his face in his hands.
PEGGY Oh, Al. Well, Honey, if it's any comfort at all, no matter how bad it gets at least you
won't be alone.
Peggy puts her arm around Al's shoulders.
Al sneezes. Peggy, aghast, removes her arms. Al looks up at her.
Al is now outside, with a huge chunk of ice hanging off his nose.
He, Kelly, Bud and Buck are all there shivering, freezing cold and covered in ice and dew.
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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