T-R-A SOMETHING SOMETHING SPELLS TRAMP
Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peggy Bundy................Katey Sagal
Marcy D'Arcy...............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Jefferson D'Arcy...........Ted McGinley
Buck.......................Buck the Dog
Peggy is sitting at the kitchen table, pouring sugar into her cup. There is a radio on the table
beside her and we can hear the D.J. talking.
D.J. [v.o.] You're spending your Saturday night listening to Oldies Radio WZ. Pretty pathetic,
Peggy laughs bitterly.
D.J. [v.o.] Here's one you have to be hovering around forty to remember.
PEGGY Well, then I couldn't possibly remember.
"My Guy" by Mary Wells starts playing on the radio and Peggy immediately starts to sing along.
After singing the first "my guy, my guy" she looks over at Al, who is sitting on the couch with
a pair of q-tips stuck in his ears. She turns the radio off, gets up and sits down on the couch
next to Al.
PEGGY Honey? Al?
Al doesn't react. Peggy takes the q-tips out of his ears and kisses him. He screams in shock and
wipes his mouth on the back of his sleeve.
AL Oh my God, is it our anniversary again?
PEGGY No, Al.
AL Well then what gives you the right to touch me?
PEGGY 'Cause I'm tired of touching myself.
AL Ah, who could blame you.
PEGGY Al, I wanna talk. And I want the same attention that you'd give one of your burps.
AL And you think you've earned that right?
PEGGY Look, Honey, I know you love your burps. We all do. But if we could just put your gas
aside just this once...
Al looks like he's farting.
PEGGY Ugh. After that one, of course. Now come on, Al. It is Saturday night and we are sitting
at home doing nothing. Didn't use to be like that. Remember when we were young?
PEGGY Out every night, living, loving, taking big mouthfuls of life... [laughs] And then we
met. But we had some great times, and we can again. Whatever we did then, we can do now.
AL No we can't, Peg, because now when we make love I don't get to go home. Peg, you're old.
Revel in it. Get yourself some q-tips and burp yourself to the grave, baby! Saturday
night is for the young, not you. [reminiscing] Oh yeah, youth. Every kid in the world's
got somewhere to go on Saturday night.
Bud comes down the stairs in his pajamas.
BUD Hi Mom. Hi Dad. You got any popsicle sticks? I'm building a house.
Al and Peggy look at Bud pityingly.
BUD Save your pity. I'm not the only boy in this town without a date.
The doorbell rings. Seven appears at the top of the stairs, all dressed up.
SEVEN Don't move, amigos. This one's for me.
Seven runs to the door and opens it. A girl slightly taller than him is standing outside,
holding a bouquet of flowers. Seven takes the flowers from her and they walk over to behind the
couch with their arms linked.
SEVEN [to Al] Saturday night is the night for amorč.
Seven and the girl cross to Bud.
SEVEN [to Bud] Got me an older woman.
Seven and the girl go upstairs.
PEGGY Ah, now Bud's even more depressed. Say something to him, Al.
AL Son, "F-Troop"'s on.
BUD [bitterly] "F-Troop". Of course! I'll have plenty of dates once "F-Troop" is over.
Plenty, I said! Oh, and by the way, guess you're wondering why I'm in my pajamas. I
always wear 'em under my clothes, so I'm ready when a chick wants to go to bed.
Bud slowly heads up the stairs, talking to himself as he goes. Al and Peggy watch from the
BUD [to himself] They know you're lying. [second voice] No they don't! Just stay cool. [first
voice] I don't think we can pull this off. [second voice] Yes we can. We've got them
fooled. We've got everybody fooled. [first voice] Are you sure? [second voice] What's the
difference? We still have each other.
Bud hugs himself and disappears upstairs.
PEGGY Al, we have to do something.
AL Well, there's nothing left to do, Peg, except pick out the dress you want to wear when
Dan Rather asks you why your son shot the president.
PEGGY I am talking about us. We have to improve our social life. And I have the answers right
AL [indicating Peggy's boobs] Now, Peg, those weren't the answers since they stood up by
PEGGY They're not alone in that, you know.
Peggy picks up a magazine.
PEGGY Look. I just bought the new issue of "Cosmo".
Al gets up.
AL [growing increasingly nervous] Oh, now, Peg, no, now. Now look here, those articles about
married couples having sex every - every month , that's just a bunch of sensationalistic,
just a bunch of sensationalistic lies, perpetrated on the public to sell magazines. It's
just a bunch of hooey, that's all. Hooey! No normal man could -
PEGGY [cutting Al off] Oh, relax, Al. I'm not talking about sex.
Al wipes his brow with a handkerchief, clearly relieved. He sits back down.
PEGGY Honey, look. There's an article here: "Is Your Marriage Dead? Talk It Alive". This says
that we should talk every Saturday night, and that's what we're gonna do, starting
tonight. Now, we had plenty to talk about when we first met...
AL Well, Peg, that was before I got to know you, there was a lot of things I had to find
out, you know, stuff like, uh, "How far will she really go on a six-pack?", and, you
know, um, "Would it be any fun for you to watch me and your friend Joan?", uh, "Did she
actually see 'Deep Throat'?", hmm, you know...
PEGGY Yeah, and there was that thing that I always kept wondering, you know: how could a man
with such big feet have such a teeny-weeny, tiny, little, itsy -
AL [cutting Peggy off] Peg!
PEGGY Brain, Honey. Oh, come on, Al. Let's talk!
AL Fine. We'll talk.
Al and Peggy sit in silence for several moments, then Al tries to turn the TV on. Peggy snatches
the remote control from his hand.
PEGGY Don't you dare! We are talking here.
Al and Peggy start wrestling over the remote control.
AL Well, Peg, I refuse to talk to my wife when I have a TV in the house.
PEGGY Al, I wanna talk!
Al wins the remote control back and turns the TV on. Peggy puts her arms around his throat and
starts choking him.
PEGGY [rocking Al back and forth] Talk to meeeee!
A dirt road somewhere in the woods. Night.
A convertible in which Kelly and her date Ralph are sitting comes to a stop at the side of the
RALPH Uh-oh. I'm out of gas.
KELLY Aren't you supposed to turn the car off before you say that?
RALPH Well, what's the difference? I mean, we both know I'm not out of gas.
KELLY Oh, very nice. *Now* we both do.
Ralph turns the car off.
RALPH [to himself] God, I hate women. Alright: [louder] Uh-oh. I'm out of gas.
KELLY For real?
KELLY Wow, what a coinkidink, huh?
Kelly laughs. Ralph leans toward her and puts his arm on the back of her seat.
RALPH Come here.
KELLY Don't you wanna talk first?
RALPH No. If I wanted to talk I'd be hanging out with the guys, and I wouldn't have had to
KELLY "C'mere"? If I wanted to listen to one-word sentences I would've been out with the girls,
and *I* wouldn't have had to shave.
RALPH You know, Kelly, I'm sure there is a lot more to you than meets the eye...
RALPH Unfortunately, I don't really care about that part, so why don't you just put out or get
KELLY [sweetly] Well, girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, huh?
Kelly punches Ralph in the face and gets out of the car.
KELLY [with pretend-sweetness] It was good for me, was it good for you?
RALPH Have a nice walk home, tramp.
Ralph starts the car and drives off.
KELLY "Tramp"? But I got out...
Kelly starts walking down the road. She comes to a sign that reads 'CHICAGO 15 MILES'.
KELLY [miserably] Oh, no...
Kelly continues walking down the road.
Kelly is still walking down the dirt road in the woods.
KELLY Left, right, left, right, left, right, right, right...
Kelly nearly trips and stops walking.
KELLY Must've forgotten a 'left' somewhere. Oh God, this walk has totally discomboobled me. But
as I learned long ago, doesn't matter where you walk, just as long as you don't walk and
chew gum at the same time.
Kelly spits out her gum and resumes walking, much faster now.
KELLY Okay. Left, right, left, right. God, it's so much easier. Look at me go! Left, right...
Kelly comes to a sign that reads 'CHICAGO 14 MILES'.
KELLY 14? It was 15 before! It's just getting less! [in frustration] Oh, doody!
Fade to some time later...
Kelly is still walking down the road, more slowly now.
We hear an owl hoot.
KELLY Goes the owl.
We hear a cow moo.
KELLY Goes the cow.
We hear a girl moaning. Kelly stops for a moment to look.
KELLY Goes the girl with the ride home.
Kelly continues walking.
The living room, later that evening.
Al and Peggy are still sitting on the couch. Peggy is holding a pen in one hand and a notepad in
PEGGY So, we've certainly learned a lot about each other. We have no opinions on politics,
religion, science, starving people, nuclear holocaust or recycling. The only thing that
we seem to feel strongly about is we both hate that painting behind Jay Leno.
Al and Peggy begin to simultaneously diss the painting.
AL I do hate that thing. It's a terrible thing. I don't know what they even put it there for
in the first place.
PEGGY It's a terrible thing. I don't know why they put it there.
PEGGY Well, now that we've broken the ice, let's talk about us.
Al says nothing. We hear Bud from upstairs.
BUD [o.s.] Yes!
Bud comes down the stairs, dressed up now, holding a house made out of popsicle sticks.
BUD Mommy! Daddy! I did it, I did it. I got a date.
Bud smashes the popsicle stick house on the floor.
BUD [rubbing his palms together] Yep. No more sticky fingers for me.
Al and Peggy look at Bud oddly.
BUD You know, from the popsicle sticks.
Al and Peggy seem unconvinced.
BUD Anyhow, I called every girl in college, and finally, when I got to the most beautiful
girl in school, she's the one who said: "Thank you, Bud. Please, please take me out". So
I guess I got something special after all. So, where's a good place to take a girl with
AL You know, Son, you're a mighty strange young fellow.
Peggy nods in agreement.
BUD Maybe so, maybe so. But a strange young fellow with a date.
Bud pats Al's shoulder, and heads for the door.
BUD I know she's got a fever now, but, uh, wait till she feels the relief from a cool, long-
necked Bud against her head.
AL Peg, I'm beginning to think the kid might have a problem or two.
PEGGY Yes, but we don't have the right kind of training or concern to handle it. So Al, tell
me: what do you talk about with your friends? You can talk about those things with me...
AL Well, Peg, I don't talk to my friends. You don't let me have any. I don't talk to
anybody. I'm just not a talker. It's not you, Peg, it's just the way I am.
Jefferson and Marcy enter.
JEFF Hey, Al.
AL Jefferson, Jefferson, Jefferson, how are you doing.
JEFF Hehe, alright.
Jefferson pats Al's knee and he and Marcy sit down on the couch.
AL See the Bears game?
JEFF Sure did. Hey, you think Perot's gonna be back in '96?
AL Not a chance. Doesn't talk issues, my man. Oh, by the way, remind me to give you back
that book you lent me. As you said, it - the ending was anti-climatic, but the read
getting there was frankly compelling.
JEFF Hm. You know, I got that camera that you recommended, and the F1.2 lense was worth the
AL Well, the faster the lense, the more available light you can use. Oh, by the way, did you
know that Pavarotti is back in town?
Peggy elbows Al.
PEGGY Hey! You've got a brain that you're not using with me? That makes two things you're not
using with me. Now come on, Al, it's not like I wanna be your friend or anything, I just
want you to talk to me.
MARCY Communication problem, eh? That started to happen to us. That is, until we read "Cosmo"'s
wonderful, penetrating article: "Is Your Marriage Dead? Talk It Alive". It certainly
helped Jefferson. I didn't need any help, because I'm naturally perky and quite
fascinating. Actually, I don't really need "Cosmo". But poor Jefferson does. [to
Jefferson] Honey, tell everyone how that article on temporary male impotence has given
you the courage to try, try again. [to Peggy] You should see him, he's so cute going, "I
think I can, I think I can, I think I can."
Marcy laughs. Jefferson forces a laugh.
JEFF [to Al] Of course, that's after four times of making her shake like a California quake.
MARCY And like Los Angeles, I'm still waiting for the Big One.
PEGGY Well, I'd settle for an aftershock.
Marcy and Peggy point at Al and laugh heartily.
PEGGY Oh, you should see Al.
MARCY No I shouldn't.
PEGGY [to Al, cooing] Oh, Snuckums. [to the rest] It's kind of cute, though. It's like
Groundhog's Day. Peeking out, seeing its own shadow, getting scared and running away.
AL Not the shadow it's scared of, Peg.
PEGGY [cooing] It's cute as the Dickens, though.
AL Yeah, well, not as cute as my little Bermuda Triangle.
Peggy laughs bashfully.
PEGGY Al, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
AL Well, I just might be.
PEGGY This talk stuff doesn't work for us. Let's go upstairs.
AL Well, that doesn't work for us either, but it's quick, we can get back down here and
PEGGY Oh, Al! [laughs]
AL You said it, baby!
Peggy and Al get up and head upstairs, laughing. They stop halfway up the stairs.
PEGGY But you know, Al, it is Saturday night, so I must insist on foreplay.
AL Oh, all right, here we go.
Al chases Peggy upstairs, patting her bottom and shouting "Goose! Goose!". Jefferson and Marcy
remain seated on the couch.
JEFF Well, you think we oughta go home and do it?
Marcy looks uneasy. Peggy reappears at the top of the stairs.
PEGGY Uh, make yourselves some coffee, we'll be back in a second.
AL [o.s.] Come on, Peg! I'm rounding third, baby!
Peggy laughs bashfully again.
PEGGY [to the D'Arcys, waving] Gotta go!
Peggy disappears upstairs. The D'Arcys both look uneasy.
Kelly is still walking in the woods, singing to herself.
KELLY [singing] Eighty-nine bottles of beer on the wall, eighty-nine bottles of beer... If one
of those bottles should happen to fall... [stops walking, thinks a beat] Eighty-ten
bottles of beer on the wall.
Kelly continues walking and reaches a deer crossing where two girls, one called Lorraine and the
other unnamed, are waiting.
KELLY Hey. What are you guys doing?
GIRL We have been by this deer crossing forever, but one hasn't come yet.
LORR Maybe we should just go.
KELLY No. Don't. Could be a trap. We could start to cross and then a cop will throw a deer out
here, and then we'll all be in the pokey sharing a cell with Mike Tyson.
The other two react with disgust.
KELLY So, what are you guys doing here? Are you a Car Broken Down - CBD, or Put Out Or Get Out
KELLY Well, I guess that makes us the three POOGOteers: Athos, Porthos and Moe.
Lorraine and the unnamed girl laugh.
GIRL Who are they?
KELLY Uh, they're these guys from this book based on the candy bar. Well, we could wait here
forever for a stupid deer to cross, but, uh, I guess we should do the sensible thing:
let's sit down and wait.
The three of them walk over to a nearby fence and lean on it.
KELLY This road brings back memories of my old boyfriend, Tony DiBeteto.
GIRL Did you use to come here with him?
KELLY No, why would you think that?
We hear a car approaching. The three girls smile at it. The driver calls out to them:
DRIVER [v.o.] Tramps!
We hear the car drive away.
KELLY [calling after the car] Hey, wait, officer! We need a ride home! Damn. [to the other
girls] Who does he think he is, calling us tramps?
GIRL [arranging her cleavage] Yeah, I resent that.
LORR I mean, must a girl wear underwear to get respect in this town?
GIRL I mean, why do men call us tramps?
KELLY Because they're morons. I mean, men are the real tramps. They'll do it for anyone,
The other two express their agreement.
KELLY Oh, for instance: I was walking home from a date one time through the cemetery, and I
heard these people wailing: "Oh Grandpa! Oh Grandpa!", and everybody's weeping and
everything. And then I hear this guy go: "Hooters at five o'clock". And so everyone turns
to look at me, the pall bearers drop the casket, Grandpa's head comes rolling out - it
was a railroad accident - and all the men from the funeral come running up to me, going:
"God, I loved Grandpa. Let's do it in his casket." Men are tramps.
LORR Well, they sure are. And we do not, as rumored, spend our lives on our backs. [looks at
the sky] Hey, isn't that the constellation Orion?
GIRL I can't tell. Wait a second.
The unnamed girl lies down on the road and looks up at the sky.
GIRL Yep, it is. Pretty.
We see Ralph's car approaching.
KELLY There's a car, there's a car.
LORR [to Ralph] Hey! Hey! Hi!
KELLY [to Ralph] Come on, stop!
Ralph stops the car near the girls.
RALPH Hi, Kelly.
Ralph turns the car off, gets out and walks over to Kelly.
RALPH I know you've been punished because, uh, you had to spend the last hour Ralphless. But,
being that I'm a forgiving guy, I'm willing to let you hop in and partake in the nectar
that is I.
KELLY [enticingly] Hey, how about this: I'm with my friends, so, uh, why don't we all go into
the field, and we can fight over you. You know, pull each other's hair and roll around
till our dresses ride up or get ripped to shreds or something?
RALPH Well, I guess I'm Ralph enough for three.
Kelly and the girls start to run towards the field, giggling.
KELLY Oh, wait! And Ralph, um, why don't you pull your pants down, you know, to further fire
RALPH All right. But hold each other's hands, I don't want anyone to get frightened.
Ralph pulls down his pants. Meanwhile, behind his back the girls hide behind a neaby bush.
RALPH All right, here comes a big slice of heaven!
Ralph starts walking towards the field with his pants around his ankles. The girls emerge from
behind the bush and get in Ralph's car.
RALPH Hey, stupid tramps, that's not the field! That's my car.
KELLY And that is not even Ralph enough for one.
The girls laugh. Ralph glances down. Kelly starts the car.
KELLY So long, sucker!
RALPH W-w-w-wait a second! How am I supposed to get home?
KELLY Walk in these, Butthead!
Each of the girls throws one of her high-heeled shoes at Ralph and they drive away. Ralph starts
to pull his pants up as Bud comes walking down the road, whistling. Bud stops beside Ralph.
RALPH Hey, buddy. How's it going?
Ralph zips up his fly.
BUD [smiling] Car broke down.
RALPH So what are you so happy about?
BUD 'Cause it broke down on my way home from the date. I just got me some.
RALPH Well, I, I was, well, uh... I was out with this girl. I bought her popcorn, took her to
the movies, everything. She wouldn't put out. Some tramp named, uh, Kelly Bundy.
Bud gives Ralph a look.
BUD So I guess it was her loss, huh?
Bud shakes Ralph's hand and gives him a hug.
BUD Well, uh, I'd better get on home. I just got the measles and I'm really contagious.
Bud smiles, then coughs in Ralph's face several times.
BUD Consider that a present from Kelly.
Bud smiles wickedly.
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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