SO THIS IS HOW SINATRA FELT
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Peggy, Kelly and Bud (and Buck) are sitting on the couch watching TV.
TV) And we'll be right back with our winning lottery numbers. Don't forget, this
week's jackpot is up to 32 million dollars.
PEGGY) Ooh, 32 million dollars. That's a lot of money, even split three ways.
BUD) Aren't we forgetting someone?
PEGGY) Oh God, I'm so embarrassed. I meant four ways. 'Course we'll give some to Buck.
BUD) I now what I'm gonna do with mine. I'm going to share mine with the poor and
unfortunate. Yep, the poor, unfortunate babes who haven't yet experienced
waking up with a Bud in their hands.
KELLY) Well, at least you have. Besides I don't think you deserve a full share. I
mean, after all, you were left on our doorstep by trolls.
BUD) Well, at least when I was born and the doctor spanked me, I cried instead of
saying, "Thanks, I like it rough."
KELLY) Mom, did I talk to the doctor when I was born?
PEGGY) Of course not, honey. You didn't learn to talk until you were ten.
Kelly pokes her tongue out at Bud.
PEGGY) Now kids, I want you to be nice to each other. I'm not always going to be
around, you know. [to herself] Especially if these numbers come up.
KELLY) [looking at the TV] They're flashing the numbers! They're flashing the numbers!
Read 'em, Bud, read 'em!
Peggy grabs a pencil and the Lotto tickets and ticks off the numbers as Bud reads them.
BUD) OK, we've got a 7...
All three are getting more excited.
More excited still.
BUD) And 34! How many did we get?
PEGGY) [checking the ticket] None.
KELLY) Wow. Nothing for 12 weeks in a row. Is that some kind of a record, Mom?
PEGGY) [chuckling] Not for me!
Al enters coolly.
AL) [to Bud] My child. [to Kelly] My child. [to Peg] My God!
PEGGY) Al, this is the third day in a row you've come home happy. Now, I just had
physical and I'm fine. So what are you so happy about?
AL) What if I said I've come to grips with my job and I've come to appreciate
what the three of you mean to my life?
PEGGY) We'd say you were lying.
AL) And you'd be right!
PEGGY) Al, spit it out. What is it?
AL) Oh, alright, I guess it can't do any harm to tell ya. A pretty girl has come
into the shoe store every day this week and flirted with me! I think she likes
Bud and Kelly look at each other and burst out laughing.
AL) I'm not kidding, she's a shoe groupie.
KELLY) Shoe groupie!
BUD) Shoe groupie!
AL) What's so funny about a shoe groupie?
BUD) Oh nothing, Dad. A lot of people think rock stars get the best groupies. But
now it's clear. Nothing gets them antsy like a shoe horn in your pantsy!
They laugh some more. Peggy looks upset.
BUD) What's wrong, Mom?
PEGGY) You're father's cheating on me.
AL) I am not!
PEGGY) I know you are. You waited until I was a tad over thirty and you cheated on me!
AL) I have two things to tell you. I would never cheat on you, and if you think
you're just a tad over thirty, then I was just a tad drunk at our wedding!
Peggy gives him a look.
AL) Oh, Al right, if it bothers you I won't mention my groupie, it's no big deal.
He strides coolly up the stairs and stops about halfway.
He continues on his way up.
PEGGY) Kids, I have to know the truth. I also have to go to the bathroom, so I'll make
this quick. I want you to break into the shoe early tomorrow morning and spy on
everything your father does.
KELLY) OK, we'll do it, Mom, but I am telling you, he is not cheating on you.
A shower is heard running.
KELLY) What's that sound?
PEGGY) Oh my God, it's the shower.
BUD) Uh oh, he's bathing. She's lost him.
Peggy hangs her head while Bud and Kelly comfort her.
The shoe store. It is still dark.
Kelly and Bud stick their heads up from behind the counter.
KELLY) Isn't there a better place to hide? I mean, he has to come here every time he
sells a shoe.
Bud points out the cash register which is covered with cobwebs and dust.
Al arrives at work and unlocks the door.
BUD) Well, this should be interesting. I always wondered what Dad does all day.
They hide back behind the counter.
Al enters, turns on the lights, turns over the Open/Closed sign near the door and throws
his coat on the back of one of the chairs.
AL) Open for business!
He sits down on a foot stool then puts his head in his hands.
Text on screen: Four hours later.
Al is in the exact same position with Bud and Kelly looking on.
BUD) Quite an advertisement for college, eh Kel?
KELLY) What do you mean?
Bud doesn't bother to explain it to her.
Text on screen: An hour later
Al is still in the same position.
KELLY) God, he hasn't moved!
BUD) Three dollars and twenty-five cents an hour. How can they afford to pay him?
KELLY) Oh wait. I think he's moving.
Al lifts his head up, checks his watch and returns to his position.
Text on screen: An hour later.
Kelly and Bud look concerned.
There is a line of shoes along the floor and Al sits at the end of it.
AL) All aboard! Woooooooooooh, wooooooooooooh! hahahahaha.
Text on screen: An hour later.
Al is back to his position on the foot stool.
A very fat woman, Leona, comes in with a pair of broken shoes.
KELLY) It's the groupie! It's the groupie!
BUD) It's the groupie! It's the groupie!
The fat woman stands behind Al.
AL) Take a number.
Leona pulls out a ticket number.
AL) What is your number?
AL) How may I serve you?
LEONA) I want my money back. These shoes you sold me are as useless to me as a comb is
to you. I only wore them once and they split at the sides!
She gives the shoes to Al.
AL) Well, let me explain. See, it's just like an elevator, there's a two tonne
weight limit on these shoes. What say I nail the soles directly to your feet?
It'd give you more traction when your pulling the ice wagon.
LEONA) You'll be hearing from my attorney!
AL) Is that the law office of Häagen and Dazs?
Leona leaves angrily.
AL) Serving number two? Number two? [no response] Oh God.
He slumps back onto his stool.
BUD) Well, Kel, I think we can go home now. The only person Dad's cheating on Mom is
They begin to leave but stop when they see an attractive young woman, Ricki, entering
with a tray of muffins.
BUD) Excuse me, but that must be my dinner.
Kelly restrains him.
KELLY) Easy now, Hoppity. She's not Buck, she'll run away.
They hide again and Ricki walks over to Al.
RICKI) You're looking handsome today, Al.
Al laughs delightedly.
RICKI) I brought you some muffins.
Al laughs, eats a muffin and mumbles approvingly.
AL) Pretty as you are!
KELLY) God. It is disgusting what a woman in a short skirt can do to a man.
Bud is staring at Ricki hungrily, licking his lips and rubbing his chest.
RICKI) Could you show me something in a four inch heel?
AL) I can!
Al walks over to some shoes, wiggling his buttocks as he does. He bends down, sticks
his butt out, grabs a shoe and while walking back, tosses it behind his back to catch it
in front of him.
He puts the shoe on Ricki's foot.
AL) Now. How does that feel?
RICKI) Like heaven. I love to see a man on all fours. You know, I felt a lot of hands
on my feet, but yours were so strong, yet so yielding.
AL) That's high school football. When I was on the team and the play called for
strong but yielding hands, the coach...
RICKI) I don't want to hear about sports. Tell me something exciting. Tell me about
AL) I remember a cold day, winter of '68. I was just a young heel then, hohohohoho!
RICKI) Don't stop, baby!
KELLY) You know, Bud, she just may be the shoe groupie.
BUD) You're gonna to make some guy a fine end-table one day, Kel.
Kelly smiles proudly.
AL) So I looked her right in the foot said, "I don't need no stinking shoe sizer,
you're a size seven, baby!"
RICKI) Oh God!
AL) Yes, I know, I know.
KELLY) Bud, we've got a real problem. How do we tell Mom?
BUD) And DO we tell Mom?
Ricki is tickling Al under his chin. He giggles.
The Bundy house.
Peggy is impatiently flipping through a magazine. Bud and Kelly enter.
KELLY) Hi Mom.
BUD) Hi Mom.
PEGGY) Well, whatchya find? Whatchya find?
BUD) [thinking] Let's see. She deserves to know, but then she'll be mad at Dad. And
she'll be hurt. Do I betray Dad without hearing his side of the story? What a
dilemma. I wonder what Kelly's thinking?
From inside Kelly's mind we hear some dialogue from "Rocky And Bullwinkle".
She smiles, looks at Bud and gets serious.
PEGGY) Well, kids! Did you find anything??
BUD) Well, he sat there for hours, he went to the bathroom, he looked at his watch
and he insulted a fat woman.
KELLY) Oh, uh, don't forget the pretty woman who was all over him.
Peggy looks distraught.
BUD) Oh yeah. [nudges Kelly] And that. But nothing happened.
KELLY) Yeah, they didn't have intercourse or anything.
BUD) Just tickled her feet, ate her muffins and she left.
PEGGY) Oh my God, it's not just sex, he's eating with her, too?
KELLY) Don't worry, Mom, it's nothing. I mean, Bud's done more with a girl. BUD.
PEGGY) [sadly] What did she look like, Kelly?
KELLY) Well, she..
BUD) Hang on a second, put this groupie thing aside here for a second. [to Kelly]
Now, you know damn well that I've had more women...
Bud stops speaking when Al comes in.
PEGGY) Al, you can forget about having sex with me ever again!
AL) Already did! What I do?
PEGGY) You were seen eating the muffins of your mistress.
KELLY) I think it's time for us to get out of here.
They start their way upstairs.
BUD) [to Kelly] Now, seriously, I've had plenty of babes. You just don't see them
because I like to keep my sex to myself.
KELLY) Oh, well you're doing a good job, nobody's guessed what your sex is yet.
Bud chases Kelly the rest of the way upstairs.
PEGGY) Well, Al, you want to explain yourself?
AL) [sitting on the couch] Well, I left high school, lost the will to live and here
I am! What are we talking about?
PEGGY) You cheated on me with that shoe groupie!
AL) Oh, so this what this is about. I never touched her. Look, she likes me. I can't
help that, I can't hide what I've got! It's not my fault if my butt has the
classic shoe man’s shape. Moulded from years of getting down, getting up, getting
down until it's the firm, round apple you see before you. Let us all blame
the bird for flying.
Marcy and Jefferson enter.
MARCY) We've heard all about it. Now, if anyone wants to talk, I think you know that I
can be a calm and objective ear.
AL) Well, I'd like to...
MARCY) Out of my way, pig!
Marcy pushes Al back down again. She helps Peggy to the kitchen table.
MARCY) I know these must be trying times for you, come tell me everything. I can be a
good shoulder to cry on.
PEGGY) Oh Marcy, I'm so upset.
Marcy gets a tape recorder out of her pocket.
MARCY) Into the mike, hon, the girls at the beauty parlor have a right to know.
They sit down and Peggy speaks to the microphone.
PEGGY) I feel so betrayed. Am I speaking loud enough?
Jefferson is sitting next to Al on the couch.
JEFF) Al, I just want you to know that I'm not pre-judging you.
AL) Well, thanks, buddy.
JEFF) So how was she?
AL) I never touched her.
JEFF) So she did all the work? God, I love that!
Cross to the kitchen.
PEGGY) And that's not all. He ate muffins. He never eats anything I make! I tell ya,
if I'd ever actually done anything for him I'd be feeling the fool right now.
Hi Betty, hi Mavis. I'll see you on Tuesday. Anyhow, I'm hurt. Hurt, I say!
Al and Jefferson are staring at her.
AL) Does anyone wanna hear my side of this?
MARCY) No need. You, sir, are a cheat and a liar. [to Peggy] Now, I have the name of a
women attorney who will chew Al up and spit him out. That's who I would use to
bleach my husband's bones if he so much as looked at another woman while he was
wearing my brand. [turns to Jefferson] Isn't that right, Cinnamon Buns?
JEFF) That would only be fair, Bonbon Bottom. [to himself and Al] I see now I have to
AL) Alright, that's enough. I have a little announcement. Now, I can understand why
you all think I was cheating on my wife, after all, she did bear my children.
We hear Kelly's voice from upstairs.
KELLY) Bud and nobody sitting in a tree. K-I... something something something
AL) But I'm a man of my word and I say I did not cheat. Now I expect apologies from
all of you. Which one's going to be first?
Peggy and Marcy look away.
AL) Very nice. If Buck could talk he'd take my side.
BUCK) If I could talk, I would've taken the Carson job.
AL) May the shoe business take you all, I shall now take my leave.
Al starts to walk up the stairs and wiggles his buttocks once more.
AL) And none of you, have earned the right to look at my hiney.
Al walks into his bedroom, sits on his bed and starts undressing.
AL) They all think I'm guilty, I should have done it! I've got a good mind to go to
back to the shoe store and eat some muffins and before I fall asleep, give her
the best thirty seconds of her life. Opportunity never comes when you want it.
Al starts to undo his tie.
A hand reaches out from under the covers on Peggy's side of the bed and starts to help Al with his tie.
Al discovers the hand, then realises that Ricki is in the bed.
RICKI) Take me, Shoe Man!
She comes out of hiding, but keeps her naked body covered with the bed quilt.
AL) How did you get in here?
RICKI) By ladder. It was hanging outside your daughter's window.
AL) Are you wearing anything under there?
RICKI) Just a pair of high heels.
Al has a look under the cover.
AL) Now look here, miss. I want stand this kind of behavior. [takes another peak
and speaks while transfixed on Ricki] This is a sex-free house and by God it
will be for the breast of my life!
RICKI) Talk shoe to me.
AL) It was a warm day in August, the shoeboxes were throbbing... No! I can't.
I married a woman named... something! You're gonna have to leave.
RICKI) There's nothing you can do that'll make me leave.
AL) Now, I don't want to get tough with you, miss, but you leave me no choice.
Al takes off his shoe and Ricki smells the stench.
RICKI) Ooh! Take off the socks, the SOCKS!
Al looks horrified.
Peggy is heard from downstairs.
PEGGY) Al, do you have your shoes off up there? There are people breathing down here
for God's sake.
RICKI) She doesn't deserve a man like you. Try me out for size.
AL) Ugh, Peg! PEG!
Al takes his shoe and runs away from Ricki.
He runs hurriedly downstairs to Peg, who is sitting on the couch.
Marcy and Jefferson have left.
AL) Peg! Peg!
PEGGY) What is it, Al?
Al looks upstairs, then at his shoe, then hides it behind his back.
AL) Nothing! Where's Marcy and Jefferson?
PEGGY) In my anger, I let it slip out that you still cry at the end of Bambi. They're
out spreading the word.
AL) I thought we had a trust.
PEGGY) Well, so did I, Cheater.
AL) Peg, we have to talk.
Al hides the shoe and sits next to Peg.
PEGGY) Well, I don't know what we have to talk about. I can understand those other
times you cheated. That ten-cents-a-week-raise you pocketed for yourself back
in '72. Those M&Ms that you had hidden in the aspirin bottle. Yep, I know about
that! But this is different, Al. How could you do this to me? Especially when
you know how sensitive I am.
Peggy gives Al a whollop of a punch.
AL) Now listen, Peg, if I was ever going to leave you, it wouldn't be for another
woman. I don't want another woman! Wouldn't mind having another TV though.
You know what I'd really like, one of those picture-in-a-picture jobs. You know,
sometimes they got a game on and at the same time they've got a good hooter
movie, and flipping back and forth between the two channels makes me kinda...
anxious. Oh well, maybe some other time. I never have, nor will I ever, cheat
PEGGY) Really, Al?
AL) Really, Peg. But I did have the opportunity.
PEGGY) What stopped you?
AL) I don't know!
PEGGY) Well, I do. It's because we've been married for twenty years. We have twenty
years of the same memories, the same disappointments, the same life. Anyone
else would have left us by now. But we can't. And we never will, because you
know that we were meant for each other.
AL) [in shock] Oh my God, that is it. I've never been so depressed.
PEGGY) Oh Al, you do love me. Give me a kiss.
AL) Aw Peg, I've warned you before about touching me.
PEGGY) Come on, honey, let's go upstairs.
AL) Well, why not. Already hit rock bottom.
Al takes Peggy's hand and stand up. Then Al realises that Ricki is still in their
bedroom, and stops suddenly in his tracks.
PEGGY) What is it, Al?
AL) Um, can't go upstairs!
PEGGY) Why not?
AL) Um, um... because I'm so hot, I want you here, right now!
He pushes her back down on the couch.
PEGGY) Oh Al! Let me just get comfortable.
Peggy starts preparing herself.
Al looks up to see Ricki coming down the stairs wearing a trench coat.
Al distracts Peg's attention.
AL) No sweetheart, I-I-I want a cuddle first.
Al hugs Peggy and puts his leg over her knees.
Ricki stands behind them.
PEGGY) Al, honey, tell me something. Were you ever tempted by that woman? Y'know,
even a little bit?
Al looks at Ricki, who then opens her coat to reveal herself in a negligee.
Al cringes. Ricki closes her coat and heads to the door.
AL) [high pitched and pained] No!
PEGGY) 'Cause you know, at your age, that was probably your last chance.
Ricki waves goodbye to Al and leaves quietly.
Al looks miserable.
AL) I know.
DIRECTED BY: GERRY COHEN
WRITTEN BY: STACIE LIPP
CREATED BY: MICHAEL G. MOYE & RON LEAVITT
PRODUCED BY: BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER
CREATIVE CONSULTANT: MARJORIE GROSS
STORY EDITOR: STACIE LIPP
STORY EDITOR: LARRY JACOBSON
CASTING: TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A
CASTING ASSOCIATE: STEVEN CRAIG
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" MUSIC AND LYRICS BY: SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISION: MICHAEL ANDREAS
ART DIRECTOR: RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR: JIM YARNER
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: SAM W. ORENDER
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY, STEPHANIE SCOTT
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE: KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: CARL STUDEBAKER
EDITED BY: LARRY HARRIS
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: JERRY WEISS
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO: LAURA OSBORN
CAMERAS: MIKE CULP, MARK LACAMERA, JILLAYNE PAUTSCH, DENNIS TURNER
RE-RECORDING: ROY PAHLMAN, CARROLL PRATT
PRODUCTION STAFF: GABRIELLE TOPPING, ROCHELLE E. STATEN, P. SHARON, HOLLY HESTER,
MARY STEWART, RUTHIE PIPER HARDEE, BERT L. COOK
COSTUMES: MARTI M. SQUYRES
PROPERY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP: NINA KENT
HAIR STYLIST: DOTTIE MCQUOWN
DOG TRAINER: STEVEN RITT
COPYRIGHT (C) 1991
All Rights Reserved
ELP Communications is the author of this film/motion picture for purposes of Article
15(2) of the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effect thereto.
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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