TRANSCRIPT:

0608 (113)

GODíS SHOES

 
Regular Cast:
 
Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Marcy DíArcy...............Amanda Bearse
Jefferson DíArcy...........Ted McGinley
 
 
Guest Cast:
 
Scary Mary.................June Foray
Dr Blue....................Larry Jacobson
Bob........................Brad Parker
Lola.......................Megan OíHara
Sidney Rimhollow...........Tim Kazurinsky
 
 
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
 
The Bundy Living room.
Kelly is sitting on the couch watching T.V.
Bud rushes in.
 
BUD:††† [excitedly] Dadís coming, Dadís coming.
 
Kelly laughs.
 
BUD:††† Donít giggle, youíll give it away. [he walks over to the couch and sits] Heís not
††††††† supposed to know Mom commissioned a painting of herself for $2500.
 
Kelly laughs louder.
 
BUD:††† Really, donít.
 
Bud and Kelly both laugh hysterically.
 
BUD:††† Ok, ok. Did you leave the price tag on?
 
Kelly nods.
 
BUD:††† No really, really, donít. This could kill him you know.
 
They both laugh.
 
KELLY:Wait Bud, donít we have a loyalty to the man?
 
They both laugh again.
 
BUD:††† Shh! I think heís coming. Keep a straight face.
 
They both stop laughing and sit quietly on the couch.
 
Al enters.
 
AL:†††† Hi kids.
 
Bud and Kelly burst out laughing.
 
AL:†††† What? WHAT??? [he checks the sole of his shoe]
 
KELLY:[still laughing] Nothiní. I guess we just love you so much.
 
AL:†††† Iíve had a rotten day and Iím in a foul mood. A fat woman came in and said she was a
††††††† size five. I shoved her hoof in a shoe, my thumb got stuck in the back of the shoe,
††††††† she panicked reared up and galloped round the store dragging me on the floor behind
††††††† her. Thank God a stick of butter popped outta her purse and I was able to grease my
††††††† way outta there.
 
Al heads upstairs.
 
KELLY:[to Bud] You know we canít do this to the man, we have to warn him. [to Al] Daddy.
 
Al stops on the stairs.
 
AL:†††† What?
 
KELLY:Nothing.
 
Bud and Kelly laugh.
 
AL:†††† By the way, is your Mom upstairs?
 
KELLY:No Dad.
 
AL:†††† Good. Thank goodness I donít have to look at her tonight.
 
The scene changes to Al and Peggyís bedroom.
Al enters.
 
AL:†††† Feet, women, womenís feet, women. Painting?
 
Al notices a large painting of Peggy hanging on the wall.
It still has its $2500 price tag attached.
 
The music from the Psycho shower scene plays as we cut from Alís horrified face, then to the
painting, then to the price tag and back to Alís face.
Al is so shocked he loses control of his limbs and staggers backwards towards the window.
 
The scene changes back to the Bundy living room with Bud and Kelly still on the couch.
 
BUD:††† I donít understand, surely you think heíd be screaming by now.
 
KELLY:Well, maybe we donít give Dad enough credit. I mean maybe he realises heís being
††††††† neglecting Mom lately and heís probably pondering that now as he gazes fondly upon the
††††††† face of his one true love.
 
Outside the patio doors we see Al fall head first into the ground.
 
AL:†††† [falling] Oh no!
 
Bud and Kelly look around.
 
KELLY:Or maybe not.
 
 
SCENE TWO
 
The Bundy living room.
Al, Bud and Kelly are sitting on the couch. 
Al has an ice-pack on his head.
 
KELLY:How do you feel Daddy?
 
Al takes the ice-pack off his head.
 
AL:†††† Like any man whoís just fell two stories and landed on his head, grateful not to be
††††††† with your mother. How long was I out?
 
KELLY:Two hours.
 
AL:†††† Why didnít you call 911?
 
KELLY:I couldnít remember the number.
 
AL:†††† Well it doesnít matter. You know what happened when I was unconscious?
 
BUD:††† Yeah! Kelly opened a Coors bottle with your teeth.
 
KELLY:Donít listen to him Dad, it was only a soda. [she slaps Budís arm] You had some too.
 
BUD:††† Shut-up. Right in front of Dad.
 
KELLY:You started it.
 
AL:†††† Oh please! It doesnít matter what you did. It only matters that I actually saw God.
 
BUD:††† Ok. [to Kelly] Kel, he may not be able to sell shoes anymore but maybe we can get him
††††††† a gig going cuckoo for Coco-pops.
 
AL:†††† But I really did see him.
 
BUD:††† Look Dad, please donít tell any one else about this, because no one is dumb enough to
††††††† believe you. Actually...
 
KELLY:[cutting Bud off] What does God look like, Dad?
 
AL:†††† I donít know. I couldnít take my eyes off his shoes.
 
BUD:††† You saw Godís shoes?
 
AL:†††† They were perfect, kids. Close fitting, surrounding each toe individually, probably a
††††††† soft worked kid leather.
 
KELLY:What did you say to God?
 
AL:†††† I said, ĎWhereíd you get those shoes?í.
 
BUD:††† You had one chance to talk to the eternal creator of time, space and the infinite
††††††† universe and all you asked is where he got his shoes.
 
KELLY:Well did you tell him your football stories?
 
AL:†††† It was God you idiot, he knows my football stories. Actually I asked him something
††††††† very important. I said what socks he wore with those, you know what he said? ĎYou
††††††† donít need them, theyíre sewn iní.
 
KELLY:[with amazement] Zowie!
 
BUD:††† Must I be the meat in an imbecile sandwich?
 
Kelly slaps Bud on the arm.
 
KELLY:[to Bud] Bud, this is important. [to Al] Now Daddy, next time you speak to God ask him
††††††† whoís really buying Dockers.
 
Bud looks at the tag on his jeans guiltily.

AL:†††† Come on. God canít be concerned with these trivialities, weíre talkiní shoes here. [Al
††††††† stands up] Kids, I now know what my mission in life is. God chose me to make the
††††††† perfect shoes, Godís shoes. Kids, bring me pen and paper at once.
 
Bud and Kelly just sit and stare.
 
AL:†††† Thank you. Take this down quickly. Thou shalt have shoes with toes stitched in, thou
††††††† shall have socks attached to yon shoes and thou shall have a lot of other stuff that
††††††† will come forthwith. [he starts to walk up stairs] So itís I, I Al Bundy who shall
††††††† shod the unwashed masses, I shalt not rest until every foot sings the praises of thine
††††††† shoes. Halleluiah I say, Halleluiah. [he heads up stairs]
 
KELLY:I donít think Iíve ever been prouder of him.
 
BUD:††† Well God created both of you, think of the pride heís feeliní.
 
 
SCENE THREE
 
The Bundy living room.
 
Bud and Kelly are sitting on the couch.
Marcy is sitting on the back of the couch, Jefferson stands behind her.
 
MARCY:So, let us understand. Your father has locked himself in his room to build Godís
††††††† shoes.
 
Bud and Kelly both nod.
 
MARCY:And Peggy?
 
BUD:††† Well sensing Dadís delicate condition she took back the painting, kept the money and
††††††† went to the Mardi Gras.
 
JEFF:†† Heís really been up there 40 days and 40 nights?
 
BUD:††† Actually 40 days and 39 nights. He took a break to watch ĎPlanet of the D-cupsí.
 
KELLY:He said God told him to.
 
BUD:††† Think heíll be alright, Mrs DíArcy?
 
MARCY:How much worse could he be?
 
Al appears at the top of the stairs. He is wearing a blue bath robe and a laurel wreath on his
head. In one hand he has a pair of extraordinary shoes that look like large gold feet with
leather sandals on, he holds up his other hand like a biblical prophet.
 
AL:†††† Behold, I hold Godís shoes.
 
BUD:††† [to Kelly] But who holds Dadís brain?
 
Al walks down the stairs.
 
AL:†††† Yay! So it cometh to be that I laboured 40 days and 40 nights. Let the rains come,
††††††† thou shalt have shoes.
 
MARCY:This should do wonders for my property values.
 
AL:†††† Are thine worthy to gaze upon yon shoe?
 
MARCY:Oh brush your teeth. Nobody cares about your stupid shoes and nobody for a minute
††††††† believes that...
 
JEFF:†† [bowing in front of Al and holding the shoes] Let me gaze upon the shoes. [he kisses
††††††† the shoes]
 
Marcy rushes over to Jefferson and pulls him away by the ear.
 
MARCY:Surely you can not be serious!
 
Jefferson frees himself and stands up.
 
JEFF:†† Marcy, donít you understand? Donít you see the glory and the majesty of what I just
††††††† saw? The perfect marketing hook, and Iím in on the ground floor. I can see the
††††††† billboards now. ĎAl knows God and God knows shoesí. Itís a sales bonanza Marcy. How
††††††† much money do we have? 
 
MARCY:Well, I have several thousand dollars, you have change for coffee.
 
Al opens the front door and starts to leave.
 
AL:†††† [in the style of a prophet] I shall go forth to the people to reveal Godís shoes and
††††††† multiply upon them.
 
Jefferson walks over to Al.
 
JEFF:†† Let me come with you Al and learn. How much are we gonna charge per pair?
 
AL:†††† I will hear nothing of price. Thatís your job, youíre the marketing guy.
 
JEFF:†† Right.
 
Al strikes a Ďprophetí pose. Jefferson lifts up the tail of Alís robe and they both walk out.
 
 
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
 
The Bundy living room.
Bud is in his ĎGrandmaster Bí guise and is talking on the phone.
 
BUD:††† [on phone] I was wondering if you would like to join me in the back seat of a moving
††††††† vehicle for a ride so wild you gots to be twenty-one. [as Bud listens to the answer we
††††††† see his smile fade] Eh, yes that was my father walking the freeway in his robe.
††††††† [pause] Goodbye.
 
Bud hangs up the phone and takes his baseball cap off. He walks over to the couch to join
Kelly.
 
BUD:††† [to Kelly] Boy, they talk about an illiterate society, well it seems to me everyone
††††††† reads the newspaper.
 
He sits next to Kelly.
 
KELLY:Well I donít, and I still believe in Dad. Well not quite as much as I did with his
††††††† failure to walk across Lake Michigan and spread the shoe to Canada. But he is going
††††††† into production on these shoes, five thousand pairs. I wonder where he got the money?
 
Marcy enters.
 
MARCY:Did I leave my new Rolex over here?
 
Marcy walks over to Bud and Kelly and sits.
 
MARCY:God, Iím just so scatter-brained lately. I mean, first I misplace my watch and then I
††††††† canít seem to remember this $25,000 cheque made out to cash that I seem to have
††††††† written in someone elseís handwriting. By the way, has anyone seen my soon to be late
††††††† husband?
 
Jefferson enters carrying a shoe box.
 
JEFF:†† Well, who wants to touch the prototypes? [he holds up the shoes] We got thousands of
††††††† these babies rolliní off the assembly line now.
 
Marcy stands up and walks over to Jefferson.
 
MARCY:Hu! Jefferson, before I tell the baby why his father is buried in four or five
††††††† separate graves. Can you tell me where every cent I have is?
 
JEFF:†† Advertising baby. [he and Marcy sit on the couch] We contacted all the big talk shows
††††††† too about having Al on. He should be on any minute.
 
MARCY:Just what big-time talk show did you book him on to?
 
Jefferson picks up the remote and turns on the TV.
We cut to a view of the TV, it is showing the ĎScary Maryí show. Scary Mary is a low budget
horror show fronted by a cheap sock puppet dressed like a witch. The set has all the typical
horror show items, cobwebs, candles, skulls, etc.
 
S MARY: [cackles] He he he he. Welcome back to Scary Maryís real scary mummy movie matinee.
††††††† Now before we get back to our feature called ďWhatís that in the bathroom? Ēwe have a
††††††† special treat for you kids. Our special guest is Al Bundy shoe salesman.
 
We pan back to see Al, still wearing his blue bathrobe and laurel wreath. He is holding a pair
of Godís shoes.
Scary Mary turns to stare at him.
 
The scene cuts to the Bundy living room.
Bud, Kelly, Jefferson and Marcy are watching the ĎScary Maryí show on TV.
 
KELLY:Iíve seen this show, itís excellent.
 
MARCY:This is what you booked him on???
 
JEFF:†† Well every time I called Oprah it seemed to be lunchtime. Weíre on our way baby, weíre
††††††† on our way.
 
We cut back to the ĎScary Maryí show.
 
S MARY: Kids, Al here says that he was scared out of his bedroom window by a picture of his
††††††† wife. [she cackles] He he he he. Al says he saw God after he hit the pavement. [Scary
††††††† Mary stares at the camera] Then what happened Al?
 
AL:†††† Well Scary Mary, I saw Godís shoes.
 
S MARY: Tell us all about it Al.
 
AL:†††† Well Mary, believe it or not, people mock me for me having seen Godís shoes. They
††††††† throw things, shoot pellets at me, set dogs at me, [to camera] and donít think I donít
††††††† know some of you kids out there are the ones responsible for it Iíll get you I swear.
††††††† [to Scary Mary] But I just persevere with my message.
 
S MARY: A-ha, well there you have it boys and girls. Al Bundy, you might wanna check under
††††††† your beds for him tonight. And now back to our movie.
 
AL:†††† Wait a second. I was told I could sell my shoes an this show, your producers
††††††† promised me.
 
S MARY: [in puppeteers normal voice] Look buddy, what do you want from me? Iím just a hand in
††††††† a crummy sock.
 
AL:†††† Well youíll be a sock full of Bundy knuckles if I donít get to pedal my shoes here.
††††††† Iím on a holy mission.
 
S MARY: [trembling] Hey stage hands, stage hands, help out Scary Mary here.
 
As the stage hands move for Al he stands up and talks directly to the camera.
 
AL:†††† Godís shoes, theyíre real comfortable, see the socks are already built in.
 
The stage hands start to grapple with Al as he desperately tries to get his message across.
 
AL:†††† See theyíre great. I wear them my self.
 
The stage hands pull Al back to his seat, Al grabs Scary Maryís throat and she starts to
scream.
Across the bottom of the screen a message reads, ďTO HELP SCARY MARY CALL 911Ē.
 
We cut back to the Bundy living room.
Bud, Kelly and Marcy are watching with disbelief, Jefferson is very enthusiastic.
 
JEFF:†† [to TV] Sell it baby, sell it. [to others] Next stop Ted Coppell, I bet Coppell gives
††††††† him the whole half-hour.
 
MARCY:Well maybe fifteen minutes. The rest will be taken up by the headless-man-found-in
††††††† -lake story.
 
JEFF:†† When did that happen?
 
MARCY:Soon, honey!
 
KELLY:[to TV] Point your staff at them, Dad. Turn them all into snakes.
 
BUD:††† Thatís not a staff Kel, itís a branch one of the neighborhood kids threw at him.
 
JEFF:†† Whatís the difference. [he points at the TV] Heís still got the shoes pointed at the
††††††† camera. Way to go buddy.
 
MARCY:Idiot. You sunk all of my money into this manís vision.
 
JEFF:†† Hey, trust me just a little babe. This is just to get him to loosen up in front of the
††††††† camera. Iím gonna plaster his face all over the tube.
 
 
SCENE TWO
 
The scene starts with a view of a TV, on screen is the title caption for the programme ďPEOPLE
TO LAUGH ATĒ.
The scene cuts to the TV studio.
The presenter [Dr Blue] is sitting behind a desk, to his right are a young man [Bob], a blonde
babe [Lola] and Al. Al is still dressed in his blue bath robe and laurel wreath, he is holding
a pair of ĎGodís shoesí.
 
DrBLUE: Welcome to ďPeople to laugh atĒ, Iím Dr. Jonathan Blue. Todayís panel is made up of
††††††† people who have had head injuries and claim to have seen God, letís start with Bob
††††††† here.
 
BOB:††† Well I was eating in this restaurant and this waitress hits me in the head with a
††††††† tray, and I saw God in my highsour soup. He told me ďDonít order the meatloafĒ.
 
DrBLUE: Good Bob, [to Lola] Lola.
 
LOLA:†† I fell off this table I was dancing on, and there he was. I gave him change for a
††††††† five.
 
DrBLUE: Thank you Lola. And now not just a man who saw God but a man whoís actually gone into
††††††† business with him, Al Bundy.
 
AL:†††† Ladies and gentlemen, I will demonstrate the power of the shoes. I shall release them
††††††† so you may see them hover and fly about me. 
 
Al holds up the shoes and lets them go, they fall to the ground.
 
DrBLUE: Thatís great Al. Letís get to some callers shall we? [he presses the button for the
††††††† first caller] Our first caller is Gerry, a trucker from Iowa. What would you like to
††††††† ask of those who have been touched?
 
GERRY:Iíd like to see the girlie dance.
 
Lola stands up and starts a sexy dance.
 
DrBLUE: Letís go to our next caller.
 
Lola stops dancing and sits down.
 
DrBLUE: Derrick from Peoria. Derrick, do you have a question about an out-of-body experience?
 
DERR:†† Yeah, I got this í85 Bonneville and the side mouldings just wonít stay on...
 
DrBLUE: [interrupting] Derrick thatís out-of-body experience not auto-body experience.
 
DERR:†† Oh! Well can I see the girlie dance?
 
Lola stands and starts her sexy dance. She dances over to Dr Blueís desk, he hands some money
to Lola and she puts it down her cleavage.
 
AL:†††† Er doc, I think we got another caller.
 
DrBLUE: Okay, okay.
 
He waves Lola away and she sits.
 
DrBLUE: Go ahead, caller.
 
The voice of the next caller sounds remarkably like Bud.
 
CALLER: Yeah, this is for the insane guy with the shoes.
 
AL:†††† Yes.
 
CALLER: My nameís Bu... er... Bu... Yeah Bu. Listen did you ever once think what your insanity
††††††† is doing to your family, especially your son? Put on your pants for heavens sake. Go
††††††† to work ya bum.
 
AL:†††† Bud? Bud is that you?
 
CALLER: Iím warning you Dad, I will not live like this. Donít you understand itís hard enough
††††††† to get a date without...
 
AL:†††† [interrupting] These people are morons. Letís go to the next caller.
 
Dr Blue tries all the buttons on his phone, there are no more callers.
 
DrBLUE: No more calls? [he looks over at Lola] Okay baby, dance.
 
Lola stands and starts to dance.
Al picks up a pair of Godís shoes and throws them into the air but they refuse to fly.
 
 
SCENE THREE
 
The Bundy living room.
Bud, Kelly, Jefferson and Marcy are sitting on the couch having just watched Alís performance
on TV.
 
JEFF:†† All in all, not bad.
 
Marcy gives him a look.
 
JEFF:†† Come on babe, I still think this God angle is gonna bring in the suckers.
 
MARCY:Oh please! The only thing biblical about this is the proportion of its failure.
 
KELLY:Ahem, ahem. If I may be so old as to interject here. I will grant you that Godís shoes
††††††† is... somewhat, well... silly. But not any sillier than the pet rock, the mood ring,
††††††† or of course NBCís Sunday night line-up. [the others nod in agreement] Now the point
††††††† here is why donít we just give Dad a chance? It might just work.
 
The scene cuts to Al and Peggyís bedroom.
Al and Kelly are sitting on the end of the bed, they are surrounded by boxes of Godís shoes.
 
AL:†††† [rubbing his temples] Why didnít it work?
 
KELLY:Because it was a stupid idea, Daddy. I mean, if you think about it God probably doesnít
††††††† even need shoes, he can afford good carpeting. And if he ever needed anything, like a
††††††† Big Gulp or batteries or somethiní Iím sure the 7-11s up in heaven donít have that
††††††† sign that says, ďNo shirt, no shoes. No serviceĒ . And even if they did, whoís gonna
††††††† yank a slim-jim outta Godís mouth? Or is all this kinda goiní over your head?
 
AL:†††† No honey, no itís not. Itís dancing around in there with some of your other
††††††† ponderings. You know, like what would a chair look like if our knees where in the back
††††††† of our legs?
 
KELLY:I made a teacher retire with that one.
 
They both laugh.
Al stands up and walks over to the window.
 
AL:†††† Yeah. [looking out of the window] Oh well, at least thereís something.
 
Kelly stands up and walks over to join Al at the window.
 
KELLY:What, Daddy?
 
AL:†††† Theyíre repossessing Marcyís car.
 
KELLY:I didnít know they had a hood ornament.
 
AL:†††† Ha, no. Thatís just whatís left of Jefferson. Well at least heís out of his pain now.
 
KELLY:You know, I sense your getting down on your self Daddy and thatís wrong. I mean look
††††††† on the bright side, most men with your string of failures would have long since tasted
††††††† the cold, cruel blade of his own jinsu by now. But not you Daddy, you keep on trying
††††††† and thatís what makes you Daddy Daddy. And as long as you donít tell any of my
††††††† friends, I love you.
 
AL:†††† Well thank you, Pumpkin. That makes olí Dad feel a lot better.
 
Al leans out of the window.
 
KELLY:Thata-Daddy.
 
Kelly slaps Al on the back and he tumbles out of the window.
 
The scene changes to the Bundy living room.
Bud is sitting on the couch reading Playboy. In the background we see Al fall head first past
the patio windows.
 
The scene changes back to Alís bedroom, with Kelly at the window.
 
KELLY:See thatís what I was talkiní about. Most men wouldnít bother to flap their arms but
††††††† you keep trying... Daddy?
 
 
SCENE FOUR
 
The scene is the afterlife with the spirit of Al moving through clouds.
Al looks about with wonderment, through the cloud he sees a pair of Godís shoes.
 
Al:†††† You again!
 
As the camera pulls back we see a man [Sidney] lying on the cloud. He is wearing Godís shoes,
White robes and a pair of very nerdy glasses.
 
AL:†††† Youíre God?
 
SID:††† No. Iím Sidney Rimhollow. [he sits up] I was a shoe salesman outside Tulsa. I got the
††††††† idea for these shoes back in 1925, didnít sell a one. But luckily I had a loving wife
††††††† and two children who hired a hit-man to kill me.
 
AL:†††† Why didnít you tell me the shoes were no good?
 
SID:††† Well you thought I was God, so I went along with it.
 
AL:†††† Well youíre not gonna get a way with it, Ďcos Iím telliní God. Where is he?
 
SID:††† No, no, no, no. He canít be disturbed, heís watching Knots Landing.
 
AL:†††† I always wondered why that show was never cancelled.
 
Al sits next to Sid.
 
AL:†††† Well whereís my cloud, my harp, and my virgin.
 
SID:††† Sorry Al, youíre not dead yet.
 
AL:†††† [disappointed] Aww!
 
SID:††† But this time weíre not sending you back empty handed. Listen...
 
Sidney leans over to whisper in Alís ear.
 
The scene fades to the Bundy living room.
Al, Bud and Kelly are sitting on the couch, Al has an ice-pack on his head.
 
AL:†††† ...so you see kids thereís really no reason to worry about me any more. [he takes the
††††††† ice-pack off his head] I have divine guidance now. Sid and I put our heads together
††††††† and came up with a now idea, ĎShoe Horn O' Plentyí. See kids itís a combination shoe
††††††† store and burger joint, while you eat you try on shoes. Oh! By the way, did I say the
††††††† burgers coming down the chute will be shaped like a shoe-horn?
 
BUD:††† No Dad, you didnít.
 
AL:†††† Oh well. I canít take credit for that idea, that was John Wayne. You know what our
††††††† motto will be? ďIf youíre not shod the mealís on GodĒ. I guess that will put to rest
††††††† the rumors of my insanity.
 
Al starts laughing insanely.
Bud and Kelly hold their heads in their hands.
 
AL:†††† [insanely] He, he, he, he, he, he, he.
 
 
THE END
 
 
Transcribed By Ephraim McBundy


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