TRANSCRIPT:

0607 (112)

IF I COULD SEE ME NOW


 
Regular Cast:
 
Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Marcy D'Arcy...............Amanda Bearse
Jefferson D'Arcy...........Ted McGinley
Buck.......................Buck the Dog
 
Guest Cast:
 
Wally......................Robert Fieldsteel
TV Announcer...............Gene Baxter
 
 
 
ACT ONE
 
SCENE ONE
 
The Bundy living room.
Al comes in and takes off his jacket.
 
AL††† As God is my witness I will never drive anyone in this family anyplace ever again. All
I get from you is complaints. [moves over to the couch and sits] I think you kids are
nuts. I didnít think it was scary.
 
Bud and Kelly enter. Their hair is standing on end.
 
BUD†† Get some glasses, Dad.
 
AL††† For the thousandth time, I do not need glasses. Youíre over reacting, ask anyone.
 
KELLY Fine! Buck.
 
Buck enters, his hair is also standing on end.
 
AL††† Iím telliní you I do not need glasses, my vision was checked in the fourth-grade and
itís perfect.
 
Bud and Kelly join Al on the couch.
 
KELLY Then how come you missed that big sign?
 
AL††† One sign, Bridge and Seher street.
 
BUD†† That was Ďbridge ends hereí Dad.
 
KELLY Daddy I have never been so scared in my life. I thought I was gonna die. Worse than
that, I thought I was gonna die with my family. How uncool is that?
 
AL††† Well, we didnít go all the way into the river.
 
KELLY Close enough to hear the fish hacking. Come on Daddy, why donít you break down and get
some glasses? What are you afraid of? All it says is youíre blind and old.
 
BUD†† Dadís not old. I mean he can still do everything he used to, see him sittiní there?
Just like when we were babies. Way to go Dad. 
 
AL††† And it never occurred to anyone here that I read Ďbridge ends hereí just fine and
floored it anyway. Now Iím gonna prove my prowess by reading TV Guide. [holds TV Guide
at arms length, he squints and screws-up his eyes as he tries to read] TV Guide. There,
any more doubters?
 
BUD†† Whoís on the cover?
 
AL††† [Desperately trying to focus on the front cover] Raymond Burr.
 
KELLY Itís DELTA BURKE!
 
AL††† Raymond Burr Ė Delta Burke, tell me Iím the first one to make that mistake.
 
Bud and Kelly mumble their agreement.
 
BUD†† Well, OK
KELLY Well, OK
 
AL††† Aha! Now whereís my remote control?
 
Bud takes a banana from the fruit bowl and hands it to Al.
 
AL††† Glasses, Ha!
 
Al starts trying to change TV channels using the banana.
 
AL††† What the hellís wrong with this thing now?
 
Bud and Kelly laugh.
 
BUD†† You know, it doesnít seem right making fun of Dad without Mom. Well, she was in a food
coma when we left so she should be awake soon.
 
PEGGY [v.o.] Iím hungry.
 
KELLY Yup! Right on time. Well, I guess itís time for a trip down to Cake And Cow.
 
Bud and Kelly get up to leave.
 
AL††† Damn remote, kids get me some batteries when youíre out.
 
Jefferson enters just as Bud and Kelly are putting on their jackets.
 
JEFFHey, is Al busy?
 
BUD†† Well, heís been spendiní a lot of time thinking about mans ultimate place in the
universe.
 
Al is watching ĎThe Facts of Lifeí on TV.
He sings along with the theme tune.
 
AL††† [singing] "The facts of life, the facts of life".
 
BUD†† [to Jefferson] he must be on a break.
 
Bud and Kelly exit.
Jefferson walks over to Al and sits on the couch.
 
JEFFHi Al, Iím sorry to bother you, I thought maybe weíd catch a ball game or somethiní.
Iím not allowed to watch sports at home, Marcy feels itís a bad influence on the
foetus.
 
AL††† Hmmm - whatís she watchiní?
 
JEFFChippendales video.
 
Al switches over the TV.
 
AL††† There ya go Ė sports, good all American entertainment. Ya know the problem with women
is theyíll watch anything, weíre more selective.
 
JEFFWhoís playing?
 
AL††† I dunno.
 
TV††† "Weíll be right back with our Cuban little league game of the week."
 
AL††† This could be good.
 
TV††† "And donít forget to order our fabulous sports bloopers that werenít quite funny enough
to make it on the twenty other tapes that weíre selling. And now lets have our sports
quiz for the day, and the first caller with the correct answer wins $100."
 
JEFF100 bucks! Hey Al, you know a lot about sports maybe you could win the hundred and
buy yourself a newer Dodge.
 
AL††† No chance! Those questions are so obscure that youíd have to have no life whatsoever
to get the answer.
 
TV††† "Who played centre field for the Chicago White Sox in the í59 world series."
 
AL††† Jim Landis! I know that, Jim Landis.
 
TV††† "The number is on the bottom of the screen."
 
Al moves closer to the screen but struggles to read the number.
 
AL††† 9 Ė 0 Ė 0 Ė 5 Ė 5
 
JEFFWhatís the matter Al, canít you see that?
 
AL††† Yeah, I can see it, but thereís too many damn numbers there.
 
Al runs over to the phone and starts dialling.
 
AL††† Hello! Jim Landis. Huh! No Iím not Jim Landis, Iím answering the question, Jim
Landis. [pause] Whatcha mean fish? Fish didnít play centre field, Fish was a spin-off
from Barney Miller. [pause] Thatís ridiculous, why would I call the fish store?
 
Al hangs up and returns to the couch.
 
JEFFI think you got the wrong number Al.
 
AL††† No I didnít. [points at the TV.] I saw those numbers as plain as I see Bea Arthurís
face on that TV.
 
JEFFThatís Fidel Castro.
 
AL††† Thatís an honest mistake.
 
TV††† "Nobodyís answered our question yet, someone should know this. Weíre gonna flash the
number one more time."
 
Al moves down on his knees and edges closer to the screen, he eventually sees the number.
 
AL††† Got it!
 
Al rushes towards the phone but Jefferson is already there.
 
JEFF[on phone] Jim Landis.
 
TV††† "Hold everything, we gotta winner."
 
JEFF[on phone] My name? Jefferson DíArcy.
 
AL††† Thatís my money.
 
JEFF[to Al] Iím sorry, you gotta be quicker. Itís a young man's world.
 
Jefferson and Al both laugh, Alís laugh becomes a grimace.
 
 
SCENE TWO 
 
Al is sitting on the couch using binoculars to watch TV.
The front door has a Jefferson shaped hole in it.
Kelly comes to the door and looks through the hole.
 
KELLY Daddy, what happened to our door?
 
AL††† A young man went through it.
 
KELLY Oh. [she enters and sits next to Al] Daddy, what are you doing?
 
AL††† What does it look like honey? Iím watching TV.
 
KELLY Well turn it off for a second, I wanna talk to you.
 
AL††† [putting down the binoculars] But sweetheart, the sports question is about to come on.
 
KELLY This will only take a minute.
 
Al turns off the TV.
 
KELLY Now I want to talk to you about glasses.
 
AL††† I DONíT NEED GLASSES!
 
KELLY No Daddy you do not want glasses, and I know why. You donít want glasses because
youíre vain, because your feeling old and ugly. You donít wanna be called a four-eyes,
a geek, an owl-boy, professor, dork-o, poindexter, Magoo. Letís see, what else?
 
AL††† Goofus?
 
KELLY No, thatís more if your ears stick out.
 
Kelly pulls a goofus face and starts laughing.
 
AL††† Go away!
 
KELLY Iím not done yet, Dad. Let me tell you a little story about a boy I used to date in
the forth grade. He was very handsome, tight little butt, big blue bedroom eyes...
 
AL††† This was in the fourth grade?
 
KELLY Well, he was left back a year.
 
Bud appears on the landing.
 
BUD†† Hey! Dad, who was the guy who played for the Celtics they called the best sixth man in
Basketball?
 
AL††† Frank Ramsey.
 
BUD†† Thanks, Dad.
 
Bud runs upstairs.
 
AL††† [to Kelly] Go ahead, Pumpkin.
 
KELLY Anyway this guy was great. He was the most popular boy in school, and then one day
he got glasses.
 
AL††† And you liked him anyway.
 
KELLY God no, I dumped him right away. He looked like an idiot with those glasses, everyone
laughed at him, ruined his life. Think he ended up in an institution or something.
Itís a sad story I guess, I donít know. 
 
AL††† Is there a point to all this?
 
KELLY Yes there is. Now if a guy who had everything to live for got glasses, thereís
certainly no reason for you not to. For to see is more important than to be. Finee.
 
Kelly smiles and is very happy with her words of wisdom.
She puts her head on Alís shoulder.
 
AL††† Youíre never leaving home, are you?
 
KELLY I donít think so.
 
Al turns on the TV.
 
TV††† We have a winner. The answer to our quiz was Frank Ramsey. Congratulations to todayís
winner, Bud Bundy.
 
Bud comes down stairs and stands behind the couch.
Al switches the TV off.
 
AL††† Well, lets go out and get olí Dad some glasses.
 
BUD†† What for?
 
AL††† So I can see the expression on your face when Iím choking you.
 
Al grabs Bud by the throat and starts choking him.
 
 
 
ACT TWO
 
SCENE ONE
 
At the opticians.
 
Al, Bud and Kelly enter.
Al is looking nervous.
 
AL††† I canít...
 
Al starts to leave but is restrained by Bud and Kelly.
 
AL††† I donít wanna be a poindexter.
 
BUD†† Relax Dad, plenty of cool guys were glasses.
 
A very nerdy salesman wearing glasses approaches and stand next to Kelly.
 
WALLY Iím Wally. Please donít want me, Iím married.
 
KELLY Good. Then thereís hope for my brother.
 
Kelly turns to Al and moves him towards Wally.
 
KELLY Daddy, show him your prescription.
 
Al takes his prescription from his pocket and gives it to Wally.
Wally looks at the prescription and then stares at Al with disbelief.
 
WALLY Can you see me?
 
AL††† Just gimmme some glasses.
 
WALLY Of course, Sir. [he leads Al over to the glasses selection] You just go through our
veritable myriad of hip and trendy frames. Mine, for instance, are from our ĎCasanovaí
††††† line. I get more chicks than my friend whoís a dry-cleaner.
 
Wally leaves.
Al returns to Bud and Kelly.
 
AL††† Kids, listen. I need some help pickiní out my frames, Iím afraid I may not know what
cool is any more.
 
BUD†† You lie! I mean your shirt, the pants, those shoes, surely those are no accident?
 
AL††† No, no, on clothes Iím confident, but I need help with the glasses. Gee Iím couniní
††††† on you guys help me pick out somthiní cool yet understated.
 
KELLY Count on us big guy.
 
 
SCENE TWO
 
MONTAGE SEQUENCE Ė MUSIC ĎSHARP DRESSED MANí by ZZ Top
 
Kelly is moving her hips in time with the music while selecting some glasses. She selects
a pair and takes them over to Al, who is sitting with his back to the viewer, Kelly puts
the glasses on Al. He turns round and we see him wearing large rhinestone framed Elton John
styled glasses. Al stands up and dances to the music.
Al dances over to Bud who holds out his hand. Al gives Bud his frames and takes new ones
from Bud. Al turns round and we see him wearing very jazzy frames that look like he has
blue paint splashed across his eyes, he moves his head in time with the music.
Wally taps Al on the shoulder and exchanges the blue jazzy frames for large horned-rimmed
frames. Bud and Kelly laugh and make ĎGogglesí gestures with their hands.
Al sits down next to a mirror. Bud hands him some yellow sportsmanís goggles. Al tries them
on and he looks at himself in the mirror.
Kelly dances over to Al and hands him another frame. Al puts these on and looks in the
mirror.
This time he is wearing hologram lenses as he moves with the music we can see the hologram
eyes open and close.†††† 
Al takes the glasses off and dances across the selection rack. He wiggles his butt as he
puts on some black and white striped frames.
Bud and Kelly are both wearing ridiculous glasses and are doing a ZZ Top hitchhiker dance.
Al is now wearing frames with large yellow and pink feathers. He air-guitar-walks across to
Bud and Kelly. All three then air-guitar to the music.
 
 
SCENE THREE
 
Bud and Kelly enter the Bundy living room.
 
BUD†† Buck! May I present the man with the go-go-googly eyes. Specks Bundy.
 
Al enters, he is wearing glasses and laughing.
 
AL††† I canít believe how cool I look, eh kids?
 
BUD†† Pretty proud moment eh Kel, this is how the young Redenbockers must feel.
 
Al sits on the couch.
 
AL††† Hey, kids, watch this. TV guide, s'il vous plait.
 
Bud and Kelly join Al on the couch.
Bud hands Al a TV guide.
 
AL††† There he is, big as life. Raymond Burr.
 
KELLY Itís Delta Burke Dad.
 
AL††† Delta Burke, Raymond Burr, City of Seattle. Whatís the difference? Now, who wants to
take a ride with Daddy in the car and read some billboards from very long distance?
 
BUD†† Wow! You mean a chance to cruise in the Dad-mobile? Listen Dad, if we pick up on some
chicks will you put your sunglasses on and say: [in hillbilly voice] You is one fine
woman.
 
KELLY Yeh! Iíll go too Daddy, but only if we can cruise by some of my friends and you stick
out your teeth like a horse and go. [sticking out her teeth] Hi girls Iím Kellyís Dad. 
 
AL††† So your suddenly ashamed to be seen with olí Dad.
 
BUD†† I wouldnít say suddenly.
 
AL††† You know you people reek. Whatís botheriní you is not that I have glasses, but that
Iím happy. Well get ready for a life of misery because I shall continue to be happy
with my new 20/20 vision. [Al stands up and walks towards the door] Now Iím about to
go out and partake of some of the beauty that our fair city affords us. If you need me
Iíll be at the nudie bar.
 
Al picks up his jacket and leaves.
 
 
SCENE FOUR
 
CAPTION Ė THE NEXT EVENING
 
Bud is on the phone.
Kelly is standing behind him listening.
 
BUD†† [on phone] Hey babe I guess olí Grandmaster B can fit you into his schedule.
††††† [Bud flips through his little black book] Let's see, how's Friday at nine? [pause]Well
tenís ok too. Well look it doesnít have to be Friday. Uh-huh. Well, thatís settled. I'll
call you again. [pause] Well do you have any idea when hell is supposed to freeze over??
Hello!
 
Bud hangs up.
 
KELLY Aw! There there, Crossdresser B.
 
BUD†† Real close Kel. Itís Grandmaster B.
 
Kelly walks over to the table
 
KELLY I didnít mean to insult you, Grandpappy B, but I do have something that might cheer you
up.
 
BUD†† Oh! What? You made customer of the week at the free clinic again?
 
Bud joins Kelly at the table.
 
KELLY Your quite a jester, Bellringer B. Anyhow, I was doing a little research, well actually
I was talking to the girls about how ugly you are, and it came to light that mother
nature has yet to play her cruellest joke on you. Now we knew way back when you were a
baby that you would be like Dad and be bald when youíre twenty. But guess what? Odds
are youíll be blind and need glasses too. Now just so youíre not surprised when this
happens we worked on a little computer composite of you at thirty.
 
Kelly holds up a computer print-out of a grotesque, geeky, hunchbacked figure.
 
BUD†† Ya know Kell! Iíd draw a picture of you at twenty-five, but I donít have a large enough
piece of paper.
 
Al enters wearing his glasses. He looks unhappy.
 
BUD†† Thank God Dadís home heíll put an end to the cruelty in this house. [to Al] Howís it
going, Bottles?
 
Bud and Kelly laugh.
Al walks over to the fridge and gets a beer.
 
AL††† You know kids I say thereís a curse. You can see everything. My car for instance, have
you ever noticed how ugly Daddyís car is?
 
KELLY You gotta catch it on the right day. You know, the sun glinting off the rust, the cloth
that you use as a gas cap flapping gently in the wind, as itís being proudly towed
towards itís destination.
 
AL††† Yeh! Well, try and explain my job. Let me tell you somethiní - people who work putting
shoes on fat women who wear dresses should not have 20/20 vision. I saw things on human
legs today that wouldíve put a white flag in Schwartzkopfís hand. And you know the worst
part...
 
BUD†† You actually saw your pay check?
 
AL††† Yeh! But I sent that back. It just canít be right.
 
Al sits.
 
AL††† Anyhow. Everyday at three oíclock I see this girl that works in the aerobics shop. You
know, she flirts with me I flirt with her, itís nothiní; it gets you through the day.
Anyway I always thought she was pretty but today I saw her. Sheís forty, I mean forty,
I mean sheís old.
 
KELLY But Dad, youíre over forty.
 
AL††† Yeah, but Iím a guy so itís totally different. I canít believe it, sheís not a girl
sheís a woman.
 
KELLY Does she like your new glasses?
 
AL††† What the hell do I care what a forty year old woman thinks? Then I come home [he gets
up and walks around the room]. I mean look at this place, look at the furniture, that
table... [he picks up a photograph of Peggy] What the hell is this?
 
BUD†† Thatís Mom, Dad.
 
AL††† Oh! This is just too much!!
 
Al moves across the room. He sees himself in the mirror.
 
AL††† And look at me. Wrinkles, now I never saw those before. [he puts his hand on top of his
head] What happened to the top of my head?
 
Kelly rubs Buds head and smiles in a knowing way.
Bud looks worried.
 
AL††† Iím an old man. My life is really over.
 
Al takes off his glasses and looks through blurred eyes.
He puts his glasses back on, when he sees his reflection in focus he grimaces.
He walks round the room looking at things with his glasses on then off, he shudders each time
things come into focus.
He walks over to Bud and Kelly, who are smiling. He takes off his glasses and looks at a
blurred Bud and Kelly, puts his glasses on and winces.
He walks over to the photograph of Peggy and picks it up. He once again removes his glasses
and looks at a blurred image.
He looks round the room with his glasses on. He becomes frightened and confused with what he
sees.
He takes off his glasses throws them on the floor and stamps on them.
 
AL††† I feel better already.
 
He moves over to the couch and sits down and puts his hand down his pants.
 
AL††† Al Bundy is back. [to Bud] Whereís my remote control?
 
Bud walks over and hands Al a banana.
Kelly stands behind the couch with the remote.
As Al presses the banana Kelly switches on the TV.
 
AL††† Ya know kids. This is a lesson. I may not see too well, I may kill a few people on the
streets and occasionally drive into a river, but itís better than lookiní stupid. Ya
know somthiní, I feel younger already.
 
Al watches TV. A western is on.
 
AL††† I didnít think there was this much action on ĎDesigning Womení!
 
 
 
THE END
 



Transcribed by SingleGuy


back


would you like to contribute a script?


home on the range