LOOKING FOR A DESK IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES
Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Marcy D'Arcy...............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Jefferson D'Arcy...........Ted McGinley
Buck.......................Buck the Dog
Topsy .....................Renee Tenison
Mrs.Garcia ................Terri Hoyos
Mopsy .....................Rosie Tenison
Bathsheba .................Lisa Saxton
Jorge .....................Seth Dillon
Salmoe ....................Tonya Offer
A "baby meeting" in the kitchen
Closeup on Peggy
PEGGY Hear-he, hear-he. I am now officially opening the weekly Bundy baby meeting, which we all
look forward to so much. [chuckles]
We see that the other three Bundys are asleep with their heads on the kitchen table.
PEGGY [calling out] Dinner time!
Al and Bud wake with a start.
PEGGY Just kidding. [laughs]
AL I love you, Peg.
AL Just kidding.
PEGGY [talking to her belly] That was your daddy. I know he doesn't sound like much, but ooh,
he brings in the big bucks. [to others] Now we shall begin with the traditional
Al and Bud get up.
AL&BUD [with a complete lack of enthusiasm] Hail baby.
They sit back down.
PEGGY The baby is not fooled.
Al and Bud get up again.
AL&BUD [shouting while doing a little dance] Hail baby!
They sit back down.
PEGGY Good! Very good. [chuckles] Now the secretary can read the minutes from our last baby
BUD You must forgive Kel, Mom, but she might just come to life if you say: "I just got paid
and I wanna get -"
PEGGY [cutting him off] That's enough. Now Bud, I'm promoting you the temporary secretary. You
may read your sister's minutes.
BUD [sarcastically] I'm truly honored.
Bud takes Kelly's notepad and gets up.
BUD Hail baby. [reading out loud] "I can no longer write down the insane bellowing of what
used to be my mother". [becoming interested] "This baby is a curse to us all. Wait, I'm
supposed to rise and give a 'hail baby'. There, I've done it. I feel cheaper than I've
ever felt, and that's saying something".
Peggy snatches the notebook from Bud's hands and hits Kelly in the head with it. Kelly wakes up.
KELLY [automatically] Hail baby. I will now read the minutes.
She notices that Peggy has her notebook.
KELLY Uh-oh. [worriedly] Hail baby?
PEGGY You will say ten 'hail baby's in the privacy of your own room.
Kelly hangs her head.
PEGGY And now we will hear from the treasurer.
Al clears his throat and gets up.
AL According to my research, it takes $780,000 to raise a baby from birth to college.
Thankfully, since I sold a shoe last week, I am proud to anounce that we're now just
short $780,000. Thank you very much.
Al sits down, then gets up again.
AL Hail baby.
Al sits down. Jefferson and Marcy enter. Marcy is holding a shopping bag.
MARCY You'll never guess where we went. To a store called "The Sharper Infant". Everything for
the upwardly mobile baby. Their motto is: "Don't believe the father. You really can
PEGGY That's right. Nothing's too good for your children.
Bud and Kelly beam.
PEGGY Well, I didn't mean you two.
Bud and Kelly get up and head upstairs.
KELLY Boy, I will be so happy when this kid is older than we are. Then maybe we'll get some
PEGGY [to Al] Al, we're gonna talk, so could you go sit next to Jefferson, or the dog, or
AL Hey, this is my house. I sit where I want to.
MARCY Look at the catalog.
Marcy puts an open catalog down in front of Peggy.
MARCY [points] Nursing bras. And they're sexy!
AL I want to sit over there now. [points]
Al gets up, crosses to the couch and sits down next to Jefferson. Jefferson nudges Al, smiling
widely and gesturing towards the wives.
AL [to Buck, who is lying on the stairs] Hey Buck, any room for me over there, boy?
BUCK Please don't. I just ate.
JEFF You should have seen this place. Nothing but pregnoids. I mean, I - it's been six months
since I've seen a woman with a waist.
AL Mmm, yeah. Women are never sexier than when they're pregnant.
We see Peggy and Marcy scratching themselves.
AL You know what I'd do if I was president?
AL I'd get me a big, empty state no one's using. You know, a state like Idaho. Then I'd get
every pregnant woman in the country, I'd stick 'em into a donut truck, and I'd convoy 'em
AL And since nobody cares any about Idaho anyway, I'd change the name to 'Pregnaho'.
Al and Jefferson laugh. Peggy and Marcy watch from the kitchen table.
PEGGY He must be talking about his Idaho plan again. [flips page in catalog] Oh, Marcy, there's
so many things I want. I mean, look at this baby bedroom set. [points] I just gotta have
MARCY Well, Peggy, that's $10,000! Do you think Al can afford it?
PEGGY Well, what's it to me? Let's go get one.
MARCY Well, actually, I'm not buying new furniture for the baby. My daughter will inherit all
the precious heirlooms that were passed on to me, including a beautiful baby desk in hot
pink with a ruffle.
PEGGY Well, what if your baby is a boy?
MARCY Then let his father get him something. [reminiscing] Oh, my desk. I used to have this
little tea service, and at my desk I would hold teas for all my imaginary friends. There
was Jennifer. The most popular girl in the school. Well, she would never really be my
friend, but at my desk she'd drink four or five cups of my tea. She'd have to. I'd make
her. Then there was Robert, the cutest guy in the school. Normally he'd just throw his
milk in my face, but not at my desk. Ahh, I can see him now, kissing my four-year-old
feet. Lick 'em, baby! Lick 'em! Lick 'em like a dog! Oh, the times I would have at my
little desk, with my little chair, and my little pottie, where I'd shove Imaginary
Jennifer's face every day. Yeah, new stuff is fine, but how can you put a price tag on
memories like those?
Peggy chuckles uneasily.
PEGGY Well, I see since your pregnancy you've stopped taking your little pills, haven't you?
Angle on Al and Jefferson
AL So now we've got 'Pregnaho'...
AL ...and we've got 'PMSachusetts', but where we live is called 'Breast Virginia'.
Al and Jefferson laugh heartily. Peggy and Marcy give them hard looks. Jefferson stops laughing.
JEFF [sternly] That's mean, Al.
Marcy and Peggy nod their approval and go back to chatting.
AL She's got you shaking like a Frenchman in a thunderstorm.
JEFF Oh yeah? Yeah? Well, last month I stopped paying for her storage unit, took the money and
went to the track. Now does that sound like a man who's afraid of his wife?
Peggy and Marcy cross to the living room.
MARCY Jefferson, can I have the keys to the storage unit?
JEFF [to Al] Watch me con my way out of this one. [to Marcy] What storage unit?
MARCY The storage unit where I keep my precious, irreplaceable baby furniture.
AL [to Jefferson] Good night, sweet prince.
MARCY Can I have the keys? I wanna show Peggy.
Jefferson stands up and faces Marcy.
JEFF I love you so very deeply.
MARCY What have you done to my baby furniture, which means more to me than five of you?
Al and Peggy are really enjoying themselves watching the D'Arcys argue.
PEGGY [to Al] And you didn't want them to come over.
AL I was wrong!
Angle on Marcy's face.
MARCY [furiously] You let them auction off my baby furniture? My memories?? My life???
Angle on Al and Peggy
AL And there's the windup, and the pitch...
We hear Marcy punch Jefferson. He crashes on the floor, with only his feet visible above the
AL That's out of the park!
MARCY [to Jefferson] Now, I am going to go and get my furniture back. I want you to remain on
the floor and think about what you've done. Now Peggy and I are gonna go to the storage
company and get a list of the people who bought my heirlooms.
PEGGY Well, why me?
MARCY Because when I get back I wanna strip him of every ounce of human dignity, and only you
can teach me how.
AL Yeah, she's the best. She debased me.
PEGGY You're making me blush. [gets up] You know, it's true. When we were married he was so
cute: he demanded three meals a day, clean clothes and pillows. [laughs] It took me three
long days, but baby, look at him now.
Peggy and Marcy leave.
AL [to Jefferson] You can get up now, Jefferson.
JEFF She told me not to.
Al is standing by the kitchen table. Bud and Kelly are seated on either side of him.
AL Hear-ye, hear-ye. I call the third weekly Bundy anti-baby meeting to order. If we may
begin, we should don our ceremonial hats.
Bud and Kelly stand up, and all three put on black hats with an anti-baby logo.
ALL Set sail, baby.
They all sail their arms down and then clap once. They sit down.
Continuation of the anti-baby meeting.
AL Now we may begin. Secretary may read the minutes from our last meeting.
Kelly gets up, holding her notepad.
KELLY [reading] "After feeding Mom into a donut coma, and setting pudding traps should she
awaken, we officially booed the baby and began the meeting. Dad, my daddy, once again
wept with shame at his involvement in the pregnancy".
AL I tell you, I didn't know what hit me!
KELLY [reading] "And then Daddy said: "I tell you, I didn't know what hit me". Bud, my brother,
recited from the bible, quoting the story of Moses. He suggested we place the baby in a
basket with a couple of quarters and a blanket and float it down the Ohio river verily to
They all "set sail, baby" again. Kelly filps the page and continues reading.
KELLY "Then we had a two-to-one vote to replace our Mom with a huge-hootered Oriental woman,
who had no vocal chords, no uterus, but can fry a steak like a Texan. Then Mommy woke up
and wanted to know what we were laughing at. We said Bud. He trolled up the stairs in a
little huff, and the three of us laughed at him till dawn." Oops, that was the beginning
of our anti-Bud meeting.
AL [calming Bud down] Hey, hey, now, Bud, now, hold on. She's only kidding you. Only
kidding. [to Kelly] Sit down. Now what's wrong with you? Don't you know how he feels?
Right in front of him?
They mime Bud trolling up the stairs. Bud sulks.
AL All right now, let's get on with the new business. Has anyone come up with a new name for
KELLY Shark bait.
KELLY That's cruel, Dad. That's really mean.
BUD That's a low blow there.
Jefferson is still lying on the floor with only his feet visible above the couch.
JEFF [v.o.] I'd like some water.
AL Why don't you get it yourself?
JEFF [v.o.] Marcy told me not to move.
AL Now, kids, I want you to take a good look over there, and you tell me what that teaches
Bud and Kelly glance over at Jefferson.
AL No! It is that this is the thing that can happen if you let pregnasaurs rule the earth.
Now, we've got one at our very home. Are we going to let our own great red Pregzilla do
this to us? Huh?
Kelly and Bud shake their heads.
AL Are they going to find us with our legs up in the air?
BUD Well, I can't speak for Kelly, but they won't find me like that.
KELLY Yeah, right. Like I've never seen you like that before whenever Pebbles Flintstone wears
a leopard mini dress.
Bud and Kelly start at each other but Al pushes them back to their seats.
AL Hold it now! Now, kids, we're not out here to attack each other. We're here to attack the
Bud and Kelly shake hands and apologize to each other.
A dark alley
Peggy and Marcy are pushing a cart loaded with miscellaneous junk. Marcy stops and points at a
MARCY Look, it's my blanket.
The bum blows his nose on Marcy's blanket. Marcy and Peggy approach him.
MARCY Mr. Edwin Johannsen?
MARCY Sir, I understand that you recently attended an auction, where you purchased my old baby
blanket, which was knitted by my gamma Judy, and which I used to comfort myself and to
suffocate my imaginary friend Jennifer. I can see that it means a great deal to you by
the way that it houses your collection of broken glass and mucus, but I must have it
back, at any price.
BUM A hundred grand.
MARCY [threateningly] How about a chop to the Adam's apple?
Peggy pushes Marcy aside.
PEGGY Easy, Marcy. Let me handle this. [to bum] Now look, Al - oh, I mean Edwin. [to Marcy]
Gee, I wonder how I could've made a mistake like that. [to bum] I have here a gift
certificate for a free pair of women's shoes.
BUM [with sarcasm] I've dared to dream it and now it comes true. [shakes head]
MARCY Peggy, no. I feel guily. I can't have you spend your coupons on me.
PEGGY Oh, Marcy, don't worry about it. I've got thousands of these. I steal 'em out of the cash
register when Al's not looking. [to bum] So wadaya say, Edwin?
BUM Make it five hundred dollars' worth of shoes and we've got a deal.
Peggy gives the bum a handful of coupons.
MARCY Five hundred dollars??
PEGGY Oh, Marcy, I give away more than that at Halloween. Kids just love 'em. [to bum] Gimme
Peggy takes Marcy's blanket from the bum and hands it to Marcy, who adds it to the cart. The two
of them start to leave, then stop and turn back to the bum.
PEGGY Uh, tell me, sir, how has society turned its back on you? The plant closed down, the farm
went under, what? Can I help you get a job?
BUM I already have a job: school teacher.
Peggy pats the bum's shoulder consolingly and hands him a few more coupons. She and Marcy walk
Al, Bud and Kelly are still having their anti-baby meeting around the kitchen table. Al is
making a list.
AL Well, demand 340... What else do we want?
KELLY Love and affection.
AL No, we said it had to be something we all want.
BUD Hey, I want clean dry sheets.
Al and Kelly look at him oddly.
BUD [uneasily] Well, you know, 'cause it gets humid in my room.
KELLY Yes, dancing with a rubber woman can make any room a jungle.
Al writes Bud's demand down. We hear Jefferson moan from the living room. The three Bundys look
over. Jefferson, now sitting on the couch, appears to be daydreaming.
AL Ah, look at him over there. He's probably just sitting there thinking up of ways to make
it up to Marcy.
KELLY Yeah. It is kind of sweet when you think about it.
Dissolve to: Jefferson's daydream
Jefferson, holding an acoustic guitar and wearing a flowered shirt, is standing in front of a
painted tree. He strums a chord.
JEFF [singing and occasionally strumming a chord] Lemon tree very pretty, and the lemon flower
is sweet. [starts dancing in place while drumming on the guitar's body] But the fruit of
the poor lemon is impossible to eat.
Four scantily clad babes - Topsy, Mopsy, Bathsheba and Salmoe - run up to Jefferson, screaming,
and push up against him.
BATHSH Play it again, magic balladeer!
TOPSY I'm Topsy.
MOPSY I'm Mopsy.
TOPSY We're twins, and we're your biggest fans.
MOPSY We're twins, and we're your biggest fans.
Jefferson laughs stupidly.
SALMOE What a crummy fantasy.
JEFF Yeah, I know, but my wife's mad at me. It's hard to concentrate. Hey, here's a little
something I know you girls have been wanting to ask me. [singing] "Do you wanna dance
under the moonlight?"
The girls start to scream again and begin caressing Jefferson.
JEFF I know, I know.
As Jefferson and the girls slide out of view we fade back to reality. The Bundys are watching
AL He must be in great pain.
We see Jefferson fondling a pillow.
AL Okay, so we're agreed. We show this list to your mother, and we hold firm to our demands
- rights of the born. Can I get a 'woah, born'?
Al holds out his hand, Bud and Kelly put theirs on top of it and they 'woah, born'.
Angle on Jefferson
JEFF [daydreaming, still fondling the pillow] Oh, I - I think you know what you have to do for
backstage passes. [grins widely] Ooh.
AL I can't stand to see him torturing himself like this. Let's throw him out in the street.
Bud and Kelly agree and the three of them get up and approach Jefferson.
A poor Hispanic family's home, somewhere in Chicago
Peggy and Marcy knock and the mother of the family, Mrs. Garcia, opens then door.
MARCY Mrs. Garcia?
MRS. G Yes.
MARCY You'll be glad to know that this is the last stop on an arduous journey to recover the
lost furniture of my childhood.
MRS. G What?
Marcy looks past Mrs. Garcia and sees her three children doing their homework at what used to be
MARCY My desk! My little desk!
Marcy runs over to the desk.
MARCY [to children] Do you mind??
She shoos the children away. Two of them run to their mother and one, Jorge, remains seated.
Marcy pushes everything off the desk, presses her face against it and kisses it.
PEGGY [to Mrs. Garcia] Uh, while my friend is paddling down the river of insanity, perhaps we
Peggy notices a plate with three pieces of chicken in it.
PEGGY Ooh, chicken! May I?
MRS. G Oh, please do. We keep it out for intruders.
PEGGY [talking while eating] Anyway, it's about this desk. You see, my friend would really like
to buy it. It means a lot to her.
Angle on Marcy and Jorge
MARCY [smiling insanely] ...And over here is where imaginary Jennifer would sit. I bet she'd
like some nice, scalding tea in her face. What do you think, Jorge?
JORGE [frightened] Mom!
PEGGY Uh, anyway, we don't have any money, but we have a thousand dollars' worth of shoe
coupons. You see, in this country, my husband is a very powerful man. He's a shoe
MRS. G Really? In my country shoe salesmen are laughed at by beggars and the feeble.
PEGGY Our countries are very much alike. Do we have a deal?
MRS. G Well, I am very touched by your offer, and by your friend's insanity, but to my family
this desk is a symbol of America. It is the very first thing that we bought in this
country, and we wanted to pass it down through generation and generation in our family as
a symbol of - of hope and freedom. For although we are not Americans, our children can
Marcy looks at Mrs. Garcia insanely.
The Bundy living room
Peggy and Marcy enter, Marcy carrying her pink desk.
MARCY All that highfalutin talk about hope and freedom sure didn't last through the threat of
Marcy laughs madly, stroking her desk.
PEGGY You're a mighty sick woman, Marcy.
MARCY Maybe so, maybe so, but I'm a sick woman with a desk.
Marcy looks behind the couch and sees that Jefferson is gone.
MARCY Where's Jefferson??
Al, Kelly and Bud come down the stairs, wearing their anti-baby hats.
AL He's out in the backyard, singing "Tiny Bubbles" to Buck. But that's not important. Me
and the kids have something to say to you, and all pregnoids like you. Tell 'em, kids.
PEGGY [threateningly] What?
Bud and Kelly look at each other. A beat, then:
BUD We love you, Mommy.
KELLY We love you, Mommy.
Al's eyes widen.
KELLY Mom, you should've heard the things Dad was saying about you and the baby.
BUD Yeah, he was gonna make you do the laundry.
KELLY Yeah. He made us wear these hats!
Bud and Kelly take their hats off. Al does too.
AL [horrified] That's untrue! That's untrue!
MARCY [to Peggy] Well, I handled my husband. What are you gonna do?
Peggy and Marcy look at Al and the kids. Flip to:
Jefferson, in his balladeer clothes, is standing in front of the painted tree, being caressed by
the four babes. They're all giggling. We see Al making himself coffee somewhere nearby. Al walks
over to Jefferson and the girls, looking somewhat stunned.
JEFF Hey, Al, what are you doing in my fantasy?
AL I dunno! The last thing I remember a frying pan bounced off my head, and... But don't
mind me, I'm on my way to my own fantasy. [looks around at the babes] Girls, there's...
there's a Porsche in my fantasy.
The girls gather around Al and accompany him offscreen. Jefferson is left alone.
Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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