IF AL HAD A HAMMER
Ed O'Neill...............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal..............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate......Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley.............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck.....................Buck the Dog
Anthony S. Johnson.......Herb
Bill Cho Lee.............Sony
Al, Peg and Kelly are sitting at the kitchen table. Peg taps a glass with a spoon.
PEGGY Okay everybody. It's time for the Weekly Bundy Baby Progress Report.
Al and Kelly put their heads down on the table in despair.
PEGGY Well, I can sense your excitement, so even though one of us is missing, I think we
should still begin. Uh, let's start with the reading of the minutes from our last
Kelly, sighing, stands up and reads from her notepad.
KELLY At the beginning of the last meeting I suggested we have no more meetings. It was
seconded by Bud, my brother, and Dad, my daddy. We stared dully at Mom and then were
forced into a chorus of "We Love The Baby." Then Mom left to pee, and Dad suggested
that we play a lethal round of "How Fat Is She?" [Al lifts his head, worried, and Peg
glares at him] Dad guessed 415lbs. We all laughed, and Dad said "Don't write this down,
Pumpkin." That concludes my report.
PEGGY Let the record show your father is a weenie. [Kelly notes this] And now can we have a
report from the treasury?
Al stands, reaches into his pockets and pulls out the emptiness from within, then sits and puts
his head on his folded arms again.
PEGGY Let the record show your father has nothing in his pants.
As Kelly notes this, Al looks up at Peg, who smiles smugly at him.
Bud enters, walks towards the stairs, only to look up to see the other Bundys at the table and
he stops in his tracks.
BUD Oh my God, baby meeting!
He tries to sneak back out the door, but Peg stops him.
PEGGY [standing] Get back here, young man!
KELLY Yeah, pay your respect to the feotus just like the rest of us.
Bud reluctantly walks over to Peg and leans down to talk to her stomach.
BUD Oh most glorious inhabitant of the womb, please accept the blessing of this unworthy
one. I love you more than I love myself. Hail baby.
Peg puts a hand on her belly.
PEGGY The baby is pleased. You may sit.
Peggy sits back down.
BUD Listen, I have great news. As the only intelligent living male Bundy [Peg and Kelly nod
their agreement] I am proud to announce that I have gotten a scholarship and am going to
PEGGY And uh, just how does that pertain to the baby?
BUD Thank you. So I decided to start college across town instead of in this neighborhood,
where I seem to have been accused of being a total social failure.
KELLY Oh, don't be so hard on yourself, Bud. I mean, I'm sure lots of cool guys spend their
Friday nights watching Star Trek reruns hoping to catch a glimpse of Klingon cleavage.
BUD Let the record show that I was wetting the screen with my tongue to clean it. To
continue, chicks love new blood, so I'm assuming a whole new identity. As of now my
story is that I'm a bad boy rapper from the streets of New York. Goodbye Bud Bundy,
hello Grandmaster B.
KELLY What does the B stand for?
BUD "Brother of an idiot."
BUD Anyhow, if anyone asks, my parents sent me out here to clean up my act because I either
killed a guy or spray-painted a tree or a bum or something.
PEGGY Uh, excuse me, but isn't that the plot for "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air"?
BUD Well, that's an NBC show, so who would know that? [Peggy nods] So, if anyone asks, I'm
not related to any of you. And I'm coolly dangerous. [the others stare at him] I am not
going to be dateless this year!
PEGGY Now, if you're finished, Bud...
BUD [cutting her off] Uh, "B".
Bud takes a pair of sunglasses and a black baseball cap out of his pocket and puts them on.
Then he crosses his arms like a street rapper.
PEGGY And just yesterday he was in diapers.
BUD I killed a man in New York, you know.
KELLY Oh, forgive me, Ghostbuster B.
BUD It's Grandmaster B.
PEGGY Of course, honey. Now let's get back to the baby meeting. Given the fact - and I'd like
this to go on record - that your father earns nothing, it seems that we are going to be
a little pressed for room when the blessed event comes.
KELLY Hail baby.
BUD Hail baby.
PEGGY Who is loved more than all babies that came before him! Now, since we have limited space,
I would like to move that the baby share a room with Daddy and me. We'll just put a crib
at the foot of the bed.
AL I would like the record to show that I would rather sleep in a bunk bed under Oprah. I
would rather engage in a frolicking threesome with Roseanne and her cool husband. I
would rather play Naked Twister with every one of the Golden Girls, than have that little
screaming doodie geyser at the foot of my bed. I've said my piece, thank you.
He sits down, then stands up again.
AL Hail baby.
PEGGY Alright then, let's have a vote. All those in favor of the baby sharing a room with
Mommy and Daddy?
Peg, Bud and Kelly raise their hands.
Al raises both hands.
AL I must use my veto power.
PEGGY Motion is carried.
AL Veto. Veto, I say!
PEGGY Alright everybody, I'll see you at the next baby meeting. But for now, Mommy must use
the bathroom. [she heads towards the stairs] Al, if you would be so kind?
Al gets up and walks over to Peg.
AL I'm warning you, Peg. You will not make a mockery of my veto power! I am the man of the
house and my will is law!
Peg turns around, choosing to ignore him. Al obliges and puts his hands on Peg's hips and helps
her up the steps.
AL For the record, she's now up to 500lbs.
The Bundy living room.
Bud, as Grandmaster B, enters closely followed by Jill, a hot babe.
BUD This is my temporary crib, babe. Thanks for carrying my books.
JILL Anything to help keep your gun hand free, Mixmaster B.
BUD That's Grandmaster B. And I don't carry a gun anymore, because I have a new life
here in Bel Air, I mean, Chicago. Have I shown you my scar?
They sit on the couch.
JILL You scare and excite me when you talk like that.
BUD Take me.
Jill leans in to kiss him, but stops.
JILL First, do it for me, B. Give me your rap.
BUD Hmmm, alright.
Bud coolly gets up, grabs the phone receiver to use it as a microphone and start making a
hand-to-mouth rhythm beat, then performs his rap.
BUD He came from the streets where everyone's meet
Guns in the night but you wonder where she
Can't love no one 'cause he's one the run.
Sleeps in the alleys, wakes by the sun.
Listen to the sirens, thinkin' they're for me
It's a lonely life for Grandmaster B,
Yes, A lonely life for Grandmaster B.
Bud crosses his arms and drops the receiver. He sits coolly back on the couch with Jill.
BUD And now, you may take me.
JILL Thank you.
BUD No problem.
Bud and Jill start making out. Peg and Kelly have appeared on the stairs. They walk over to
Bud and Jill.
PEGGY Well, look! My little man is getting his first kiss.
Bud and Jill stop kissing.
KELLY You're the coolest, Grandma B.
BUD [through gritted teeth] That's Grandmaster B. [to Jill, leading her towards the door]
Look, babe, I think I'm gonna have to rat my way out of the rent now. You go on home
and wait by the phone, because if I call and you're not there, you go to the bottom of
Jill quickly kisses Bud and leaves. Bud, after a glaring pause, starts screaming at Peg and
BUD WHAT DID I TELL YOU TWO??? I am Grandmaster B! [sounding it out] Grandmaster B! Mommy,
I'm cool! You're ruining it for me, I'm cool!!
PEGGY Gee, I'm really sorry, Grand Marshall B.
KELLY No, Mom, I think it's Bedwetter B.
PEGGY Are you sure? I thought it was Court Jester B.
They laugh and sit on the couch.
Al comes downstairs, carrying a box.
AL Peg! Peg, guess what I found in the attic. It's something of my father's that's served
him well for 20 years. And now will serve me for the rest of my life.
PEGGY A pair of socks?
AL Bud, what do you think I found in the attic?
BUD If it's a rubber woman, Dad, I can explain. You send away for one Archie comic and the
next thing you know they put you on a list and they...
Al raises his arm threatingly to shut Bud up.
AL [to Kelly] Pumpkin?
KELLY You found a pumpkin, Daddy?
AL Well, I guess I'll tell you all, since none of you singly deserve to know... [he picks
a hammer out of the box] I found my father's hammer.
Peg, Kelly and Bud all say "ooooh" sarcastically.
AL This hammer has been in my family for generations. With this my father hit the now
famous Bundy nail. And upon that nail he did hang his hat.
AL My Dad had one great dream. And that dream was handed down from generation to generation
of male Bundys. To build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly,
they all failed.
PEGGY No, genetically they all failed.
AL Well, not me, I'm going to do it! [looking up] Look, Dad, I've got your hammer. Your
little boy is going to build his own room!
KELLY Mom, who is he talking to?
KELLY [waving to heaven] Hi Grandpa.
Peggy looks on in disbelief.
Al is in the garage, building his room. There are building supplies everywhere. Al holds a
plank of wood. He talks emotionally to his father again.
AL Look, Dad, I'm building my own room! [he walks over to the wall near the door] I dedicate
the first nail to you.
Al holds the plank of wood to the wall and starts hammering.
In the living room, Peggy and Marcy are sitting on the couch, looking through a magazine.
Al's third bash of the hammer goes right through the wall.
AL Damn cheap sheet rock!!
MARCY I can't believe you're going to let that moron move out of your room.
PEGGY Marcy, you're assuming he can actually do this. You know the Bundy legacy - what they
don't finish in 30 seconds, they never finish. Besides, you know, it's important to let
your man fail in front of your eyes. It's a great thing to see. You know the fun we have
watching them fail at sex?
MARCY Like when you say, "It's okay, honey. I'm sure it happens to all men. It doesn't mean
there's anything... wrong with you, does it?"
PEGGY Oh, yeah yeah yeah. Or, or when you say, "It's okay, honey. You're probably just tired
and unsure of your manhood."
MARCY Or, "It's okay, we can just lay here and hold each other. That's just as good." And then,
when they lay their head on you like a child trembling, it is just as good! And you just
want to laugh!
They laugh some more.
PEGGY Well, believe me when I tell ya, it is just as much fun to watch them fail with their
clothes ON. [she sees Al approaching] Watch.
Al enters from the garage, looking upset and frustrated with himself.
AL I can't get the nails to go in straight!
PEGGY Gee, honey, it's probably just because you're tired and unsure of your manhood.
AL I did not fail! I'll build that room, I will! It's just... I've got a lot on my mind
Al goes back into the garage. Peggy and Marcy burst out laughing again.
The Bundy house exterior. On screen caption: One week later.
Al is heard screaming and banging is heard.
Inside, Kelly, Peg and Bud are sitting on the couch listening to the goings on.
KELLY Mom, you think he's actually doing something in there?
PEGGY Oh, honey. Must I remind you of his family tree? Do we not remember Amadeus Bundy?
Who, when Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone, try to patent shouting as a
cheaper alternative? Oh, or how about Wrong Way Bundy? The original inventor of the
shotgun, although he never quite perfected which way to point it? We later called him
BUD But Mom, Dad's not like the others... he sells shoes.
Al calls from inside his room.
AL It's done! Now come in and take your first and last look.
PEGGY Alright now, kids, Daddy has worked very very hard on this and it means a lot to him.
So nobody laugh until I do.
They giggle as they get up.
The garage door.
Peggy enters, followed by Bud and Kelly and they stop in their tracks when they see Al's cool
new room. The room now has green carpet, a couch, table, shelves and a bar with a neon sign
above it. Al proudly displays it.
PEGGY Wow, Al. You did all this with just a hammer?
AL Not just a hammer, Peg. Dad's hammer.
Al hold up the hammer and lights twinkle around it.
PEGGY Well, Al, you're not really thinking about moving away from me and the baby?
AL Thinking of it - I've done it!! [smiles insanely] Be gone, jackals!
PEGGY But Al...
Al holds up the hammer and it again twinkles. Peg, Kelly and Bud back out the room. Al slams
the door behind them and locks all four locks to keep them out. He walks over to his couch.
AL At last. Can do what every male Bundy wants to do.
Al relaxes onto his couch and puts his hand down his pants.
AL Well, they're out of sight. Wonder how long it will take until they're out of mind?
There is a knock at the garage door.
AL Well, that must be that life that I ordered.
Al uses a remote to open the garage door, which of course has pictures of babes on it.
Jefferson is standing outside, with two suitcases. He wanders in.
JEFRSN Hi Al.
Al points for him to leave. Jefferson drops his suitcases and runs over to Al for solace.
JEFRSN Please, Al. Let me stay with you. I'm afraid of Marcy. She wants sex all the time. I
mean, having sex with your pregnant wife is, is like putting gas in the tank of a car
that you've already wrecked.
AL Well, thank God mine pulls into self-service!
JEFRSN Al, Al, I'm begging you. I mean, you remember what it was like when you first got
married. Sex wasn't enough, they always want - god help me - foreplay.
Jefferson breaks down and Al comforts him.
AL Sshhh now, now, now, Al's here. Take it easy now, big fella.
JEFRSN Save me.
AL Okay, but just one night. And on one condition.
AL It's just you and me, and you don't tell one single guy about this place.
JEFRSN I swear.
Al's room is now full of his buddies Sony, Melvin, Harry, Herb and Norris, who are playing and
throwing stuff around the room. Al sits uncomfortably on the couch.
AL [to Jefferson] Maybe I wasn't being clear when I said "tell no one."
JEFRSN Ah, come on, Al, it's okay. We're just having some good, clean, normal guy fun.
Norris is playing a game with Sony.
NORRIS Come on, pull my finger.
Sony pulls his finger and Norris makes a fart noise with his armpit.
NORRIS Hey Al, it's my arm!
AL [to Jefferson] And I thought I ran with a cool pack in high school.
NORRIS Hey Al, you mind if we turn out the lights and tell some really scary stories?
AL Well, gee, I don't know. I'd thought we'd strip down to our underwear and sing "Puff the
JEFRSN [sheepishly] Al, uh, my underwear's got a hole in it.
AL Well, then maybe you can play the guitar!
Al gets up, outraged.
AL What's wrong with you idiots!? Don't you realise that any second the women are going to
come pouring through that door?? Don't you know they can sense a man smiling a mile
JEFRSN Oh, Al, don't worry about it. I had all the guys promise that they wouldn't tell anyone.
GUYS We swear!
The women, Hariett, Betsy, Nelvia, Melba, have now taken over Al's room. Interestingly, all the
woman are pregnant. And drinking tea. Marcy is sitting among them, holding Al's hammer.
MARCY And so, I move that this room shall be our clubhouse for our newly formed women's group
W.O.M.B. Which stands for Women Owe Men Bupkiss. All in favor?
GUYS [now sitting in the corner of the room] Veto.
MARCY Motion carried. [she uses the hammer as gavel on Al's TV] Now ladies, are there any
complaints that we'd like to share?
NELVIA I got haemorrhoids!
MELBA I've got varicose veins.
HARIET Well, I've got an itch my husband refuses to scratch!
All the ladies start talking at once, and Betsy cuts them off.
BETSY Excuse me, where do we go when we're feeling emotional?
MARCY We can use Al's bathroom.
AL Thou shalt not insult my bowl with pregnant hineys.
He walks to the back of the room.
MARCY Where are you going, Al?
AL Ladies - [to the men] and by that I mean you guys [the guys look ashamed] - I'm going to
tear this room asunder. It is evil. It has been tainted, womaned. It must be destroyed.
Al takes off his shirt and stands between two pillars. He talks to his father again.
AL Keep the gates open, Dad, I got a busload coming for ya!
We hear Al's father from above.
FATHER Go for it, Son.
Al, with all his might, pushes the two pillars aside and the room caves in. The women
frantically collect their husbands and usher them out as Al continues to destroy his room.
Peggy, Al and Kelly are at the table, having another baby meeting.
PEGGY Well, for this special baby meeting, we'd like to welcome Daddy back. A man who kept his
garage up for five hours, which is four hours longer than he could keep his zipper up.
AL Let the record show that the chairperson shares not only the wit, but also the body, of
KELLY Duly noted.
AL Let it further show that Daddy also discovered an important thing today. The true legacy
of Dad's hammer is failure. Dad failed with it, I failed with it and every male Bundy who
comes after me will fail with it. And speaking of failure, where's the other male Bundy?
KELLY You mean the Bushwhacker?
PEGGY No, it's the Burgermeister.
AL No, it's the Buck Minster. What is the difference!? Where is the little boil?
Bud and Jill are in the remains of Al's room. Al's father's hammer is mounted on a plaque
above them. Jill is admiring Bud's neck.
JILL Where did you get this scar? Was it in Desert Storm?
BUD Well, I had my own little desert storm, baby. In the streets of New York. Yep, we're the
warriors who don't get the Ticket Tape Parades.
JILL Oh, Grandflasher!
BUD It's Grandmaster. Now, kiss me before I do.
They start kissing. Al's father's hammer twinkles again and it falls off the plaque, onto Bud's
head. Bud reacts in pain, picks up the hammer and starts crying.
JILL Dustbuster... Dustbuster, are you okay?
BUD Shut up, I'm dying, you buffoon! Mommy! Mommeeeeeeeee!
The hammer continues to twinkle.
DIRECTED BY GERRY COHEN
WRITTEN BY KEVIN CURRAN
CREATED BY RON LEAVITT AND MICHAEL G. MOYE
PRODUCED BY BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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