SHE'S HAVING MY BABY (PART 1)
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog............Buck
Abraham Benrubi.........Baby (in dream)
Edd Hall................Voice on TV
Peggy is sitting on the couch with a tray on her lap. She is watching TV.
TV) And today on "And Yet It Lived" meet Simian Pathetica, an ape that even evolution
Al enters and stands miserably in front of the door.
Peg looks at Al, comparing him with the ape on the TV.
TV) Note the stooped shoulders and the dull, blank look.
PEGGY) [to Al] Can I have your autograph?
AL) Not today, Peg, I've got some big news.
He giggles and pulls a pencil put of his pocket.
AL) You know how I'm always digging in my ear with a point of a pencil?
PEGGY) Oh my, this is good news.
AL) You betcha! Well today, truly by accident, I found out I was using the wrong end of
the pencil. I discovered that if you turn it around and take off the eraser you can
get a real kind of suction action going. Get a load of this, honey.
Al puts the pencil in his ear, moves it around and pulls it out. There is a big lump on the
end of it.
PEGGY) But honey, it still has an eraser on it.
AL) That's not an eraser!
He laughs again and puts the pencil away and Peggy puts the tray on the table and starts
reading a newspaper.
AL) Ah, what's for supper?
PEGGY) What would you like?
AL) I'd like a nice juicy steak.
PEGGY) Why, that's waiting for ya on the table.
Al looks up eagerly and Peg laughs at him.
PEGGY) Ah, made you look, made you look. Oh, you'll never learn. So honey, I was thinking.
Do you think we need a little savings account? You know, like any moderately
successful thirteen year old?
AL) Hey, don't kid yourself, I've got plenty of money saved up - [looks at Peg] Whoops.
Well, it doesn't matter, you're not getting any. I'm gonna get me a Big Boy Socket
Wrench Set. Man, it's gonna be great. I'll around this house and tighten more
nuts than you did in high school.
PEGGY) Ah yes, and I have the trophies to prove it. So anyway, Al, I've got some news and
I've just been waiting for the right...
The doorbell rings.
AL) Oh wait, honey, I bet that's some of the guys wanting to see my eraser!
Al opens the door to Marcy and Jefferson.
MARCY) Al, Peggy, we have a little announcement. [She and Jefferson exchange a giggle]
Jefferson and I... are pregnant!
PEGGY) Oh Marcy, that's great!
JEFF) Yep, yep, yep. I knew it right away, too. You know Michael Jordan goes up in the air
you just know he's gonna do something special? Well I had the same feeling when I
approached the hoop!
MARCY) There was no blocking that shot, hey baby?
PEGGY) Oh, isn't this wonderful, Al?
JEFF) Yeah Al, I'm gonna be a father. [He gives Al a cigar] Don't you have anything to say
AL) Oh sure. [he puts the cigar in his pocket then points at Jefferson and bursts out
laughing] Ahh-hahhahaha! You're a dead man. It's all over. Today is the first day of
the end of your life.
JEFF) Hey I'm looking forward to being a father. To hear my child say it's first words,
take it's first steps....
AL) Yeah, keep that in mind while you're at the newsstand at three AM praying they'll be
asleep before you get home with your copy of Hiney!
He laughs some more and sits next to Peg.
AL) Ah, what a grand jest. Soon my hell-hounds will be out of the house and I'll be free,
free, free! [points to Peg] Except for her. God, I feel great. I'm almost happy!
Let me revel in it.
PEGGY) Ah Al, I think this may be a good time to tell you...
AL) Ah nah now, babe. [to Marcy and Jefferson] Once my kids leave the house, I'll
finally be able to do what every man is supposed to. I can watch TV. I can [thinks]
... well, I don't know but it doesn't matter. It's still better than having a
screaming, crapping, money-sucking little vampire bobsledding me to the graveyard!
God I feel good!!
PEGGY) Guess what??
PEGGY) I'M PREGNANT TOO!
Al turns from ecstatically happy to a state of complete shock.
Peg gets up and holds her expanding belly.
PEGGY) Oh Al! [she pulls him up] Hold me!
MARCY) How far along are you?
PEGGY) Five months! Well Al, didn't you notice I was getting fat?
AL) [nearly in tears] Well, yeah!
PEGGY) Oh, hold me!
AL) Wait a second!
Al escapes from Peg and jumps over the back of the couch.
AL) That can't be right! When? Why? How!? Wait a second, let me check my journal.
[He flicks through the pages of his journal] Five months ago, you say?
PEGGY) Oh Al, isn't it a dream?
AL) Oh, it better be! Wait, let's see now, April. April, April, ah here we go, April.
[reads from his journal] Week One: sold shoes, watched TV. Week Two: sold shoes,
watched TV, wept. Week Three: sold shoes, had a few beers, passed out...
Peggy has a very guilty look on her face.
Al looks up in horror.
Al) Oh oh, I dreamt I fell in a washing machine, woke up feeling cheap! Peg, WHAT ON
GOD'S GREEN EARTH DID YOU DO TO ME?!?
PEGGY) Well, I couldn't help myself. You looked so cute pulling your underwear up over your
head! Well, I'm not made of stone, you know.
MARCY) Peggy, this is so exciting, we can pregnant together!
JEFF) Yeah Al, congratulations, this is great! Gee, our kids will grow up together,
they'll be old enough to leave the nest together. Gee, I'll be in my fifties when
that happens and you'll be what, a hundred and two?
He laughs hysterically.
PEGGY) Oh Marcy, this is so wonderful. The pitter-patter of little feet after 18 years.
This is a truly joyous day for us all!
Al is pulling out clumps of his hair.
Text: Later that night.
Al is sitting on the couch, still pulling out his hair.
Kelly and Bud are sitting either side of him, staring at him angrily.
KELLY) What - did - you - DO? Can't you control your animal urges?
BUD) Of all the bonehead blunders a middle-aged man with no income can make. God, you
leave him alone for one second...
KELLY) Did you not know the evil implications of your deed? Bad Daddy! Bad, bad, BAD! Bad.
BUD) So Mr. Sow-my-wild-oats-at-fifty, what are we gonna do now?
KELLY) I'll tell you what we're gonna do, we'll be living off the scraps of scraps.
Slipping in puddles of baby juice. Our home and our clothes smelling of the befouled
buttocks of a child born out of middle aged lust! Oh, shame.
BUD) As if what you did wasn't bad enough, but with our MOTHER for God's sake!
KELLY) Well, this is one fine how-ya-doing-fine-thank-you.
Peg enters with groceries.
PEGGY) Hi kids! Did Daddy tell you the news?
Kelly and Bud get up and jump around her.
KELLY) Mommy, Mommy, we're so happy!
BUD) Happy, happy, happy!
PEGGY) Now kids, I don't want you to be jealous of the baby, I'll always have time for you.
After all [she puts a hand to Bud's face] you were my first.
KELLY) Uh, I was your first.
PEGGY) Really? Oh well, what's important now, is the baby.
She goes into the kitchen.
PEGGY) Did you congratulate your father?
KELLY) Oh sure. Way to go, Dad, you sure know, you know? That's great.
BUD) Yeah, Oh, yeah Dad.
Kelly and Bud start playfully punching Al, then they really start to punch and choke him.
PEGGY) Well, I don't know about anybody else, but I've got a hankerin' for a nice cream
cheese and coffee grind sandwich!
KELLY) [to Peg] We love you, Mommy! [to Al] You stink.
BUD) [to Peg] We love you, Mommy! [to Al] You stink.
BUD) Do you think it's safe for Mom to have a baby at her age? I mean, what is she, a
They both hit Al again.
PEGGY) Alright. Now, listen up everyone. Just because I'm pregnant, I don't want you to
think I'm gonna be demanding or anything. Your lives won't change a bit.
Peg is now sitting on the couch with her feet on the table, with Al and Bud rubbing them.
Kelly is reading Peg a children's story.
KELLY) And here's a picture of Mr. Rooster. "Cock-eye-dodle-doh."
PEGGY) Ah, honey, not to me, to the baby.
KELLY) Oh. And the duck went "Quack quack" and the dog went "Boe wow" and the family...
PEGGY) Ah, excuse me, honey. [to Al and Bud] What, are you guys on vacation? Rub, rub!
They rub her feet even more.
BUD) [to Al] Thanks for everything, Johnny Appleseed.
Al is in bed, playing with his football. He tucks it under his arm and smiles proudly.
Then he dreams about his football days.
CROWD) [in Al's head] Bundy! Bundy! Bundy!
COACH) [in Al's head] Bundy! You're going to be a superstar! Just don't blow it, kid.
AL) [in his head] Oh come on, coach. What could possible stop me?
Peg enters from the bathroom in her nightgown, with a sandwich in her hand.
PEGGY) Hi honey.
Al nods miserably and knowingly.
PEGGY) Oh Al, are you as happy as I am?
AL) Well, how could I be?
PEGGY) Well, you should be happy, it's your baby too.
AL) Oh, happy! I thought you said am I as HEAVY as you are.
PEGGY) Now stop teasing me. You can barely tell that I'm pregnant.
She sits on her side of the bed and Al rolls over, indicating that she has now made the bed
slant a lot.
PEGGY) Get over there!
She pushes Al back onto his side of the bed and takes a bite of her sandwich.
PEGGY) Baloney and Miracle Whip. Want some? Gee Al, I don't know about you but I'm horny as
AL) Well, so am I but you don't see me bothering you with it, do you?
PEGGY) Oh, come on Al, if you don't the baby won't see you fail till you take it work!
She laughs and talks to her belly.
PEGGY) That was a good one, wasn't? Yes. We got Daddy good, huh? [to Al] So what do ya
say, Al? [takes another bite] Are you ready?
AL) Oh sure, I'm all a-fire. I don't know what turns me on more: that sexy failure talk
or the baloney shrapnel that hit me in the eye at ninety miles an hour!
PEGGY) Oh, alright, you big sissy. We don't have to do it. Goodnight.
AL) Ah, goodnight.
Al turns off the light.
AL) Ah, jeez.
PEGGY) Let's talk about the baby.
AL) Why, did he do something cute?
PEGGY) You have a terrible attitude, I'm not talking to you anymore. You stink.
PEGGY) What should we name the baby?
AL) "The Reaper"?
PEGGY) Well, what if it's a boy?
AL) Well, we could name it after my father?
PEGGY) I don't want to name it "Town Drunk"!
AL) Well, then don't ask me!
PEGGY) Al, can we afford this baby?
PEGGY) I didn't think so. Gee, I'm glad I'm not in your shoes. Goodnight.
Al turns over and rests his head on his football.
He starts dreaming.
We see Al in his football uniform acknowledging the cheering crowd.
CROWD) Al! Al! Al! Al!
Peg's voice gradually knocks Al out of dreaming.
Al) [waking up] What??
PEGGY) Honey, you know, I was just thinking, if you wanted to get an extra job, you know
after the baby was born, you could get one delivering newspapers. You know how they
throw them on the porch? You'd be really good at that because you used to play
football, you remember?
The living room.
Peg and Marcy are sitting on the couch, talking and patting their breasts.
PEGGY) Oh, hi honey. You wanna come join us? We were talking about breast swell.
AL) Well, congratulations Marcy, you finally get to go bra shopping.
MARCY) Oh Al, I don't have to tell you how much easier it is to lug around SMALL things.
PEGGY) Now Al, if you have nothing to add to the conversation, just please go sit down.
Al goes to sit on the couch but Peg stops him.
PEGGY) Not here! Can't you see we're pregnant? Now go sit over on the stairs in case I need
AL) This is my home and I will not be relegated to sitting on stairs!
Al sits down on the stairs.
AL) I'll go anywhere I want! Anyone gotta problem with that!? You two are on thin ice!
MARCY) [to Peg] Who are you going to tell the baby he is?
PEGGY) Well, for the first ten years Bud and Kelly thought he was the dim-witted handyman.
So why change what works?
MARCY) Well, at least I have no complaints. My Jefferson can't do enough for me. Would you
believe it? Right now he is out getting me a pie. Sometimes he is so good to me it
just brings tears to my eyes.
Jefferson enters, carrying a pie.
JEFF) Well! Here it is. I drove fifty miles holding it up so the cherries wouldn't settle
on the bottom.
He presents the pie to Marcy.
MARCY) This is not a large. Is this all you think of me? Is this all you think of your
child!? Well, you just march yourself right back to Wisconsin and get another pie,
mister, or you don't love our baby!!
She starts crying.
Jefferson reluctantly leaves.
JEFF) OK, honey, I'll be right back with another pie. [he goes out the door] You stinkin',
flamin'... [trails off]
MARCY) [smiling] He spoils me so.
PEGGY) Well, my Al spoils me too. Al, get me some water.
Al wipes some sweat off his forehead and flicks it towards Peg.
Kelly and Bud come downstairs.
BUD) [pointing to Al] Look, it's Harry Hormone.
KELLY) Use a condom, go to jail, eh, Dad?
Bud and Kelly walk over to Peg and Bud gives her a list.
BUD) Hey, Mom, we made the list.
MARCY) Oh, that's a good idea, I'll make Jefferson make one for me. What kind of list is it?
PEGGY) Well, see, I'm going to be the best mother in the world to my new baby, so I asked
the kids to make a list of everything they never had, so I'll know everything to do
for my little [in a soppy voice] precious-wecious! Although I can't really imagine
what they'd put on this list, they had everything they could possible want as
babies. But let's see what they thought they didn't have. [reads the list] "Milk;
immunity vaccinations; love." Oh, you scamps! "Redding blicks"?
KELLY) That's "reading blocks." I wrote that.
PEGGY) Well, I think that's a good idea. Bud, why don't you be in charge of helping the
baby with those. Thanks, kids.
BUD) Mom, you're just kidding that this kid's going to get all the stuff we never had, I
mean, you're still going to love us all the same, right?
PEGGY) Oh, well, of course I will! We were a family before the baby and we'll be a family
after the baby. Now you're sucking up all the baby's air, go sit with your father.
Bud and Kelly sit on either of Al on the stairs.
PEGGY) I was just born to be a mother.
BUD) Look how far down the chain of love we are. She's got us sitting with [distastefully] him.
KELLY) Oh, what an odious mess we weave when first we practice to conceive.
AL) Now kids, I know you think this is bad for ya. But in a little while you'll be up,
out of the house and on your own in just two, three... [he looks at Kelly whose eyes
are following her gum being twirled around her finger] ... thirty years.
So, as you can see, the only one whose life has truly ended is... Daddy.
The kids cheer up.
Al starts to dream of what might be.
A football field.
Al is dressed in his uniform and gets passed the ball. He breaks through the huddle of other
players, and runs on until he sees Peg, who is wearing a football jersey with "Wife 1" on
it. Al holds out the ball and Peg grabs for it, but Al moves it out of reach and she falls over.
Al keeps going until he sees Kelly, wearing a "Kid 1" jersey. Al points up to the sky and Kelly
looks up, letting Al get by her, she watches him pass her and then checks the sky again. Al
then comes to Bud wearing a "Kid 2" jersey and reading a Playboy magazine. Al runs and steps
right over Bud, crushing him into the ground. He continues on until he comes to a giant man-like
baby wearing a "Kid 3" jersey. Al is scared so he offers the ball to the baby and runs away
but the baby grabs Al and turns him upside down and shakes all of the money and toilet paper
out of him, then throws him into a trashcan. Al is stuck in the bin with his upper body and
legs sticking out. The baby puts his pacifier in Al's mouth.
End of dream sequence.
AL) Oh my God, what have I done?
BUD) You still don't know, do you?
AL) Kids, no matter what the future might bring, it's still nice to know that we're a
family and we'll go through things together. [He holds out a hand] Give me a Whoa
Bundy. [They don't] What do you want from me? I wasn't even awake!!
Al, Kelly and Bud sit miserably on the stairs while Peg and Marcy happily fondle their
Text at bottom of screen: To be continued...
Go to Part 2
CO-EXECTUTIVE PRODUCER: ELLEN L. FOGLE
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: MICHAEL G. MOYE & RON LEAVITT
DIRECTED BY: GERRY COHEN
WRITTEN BY: RON LEAVITT & MICHAEL G. MOYE
CREATED BY: RON LEAVITT & MICHAEL G. MOYE
PRODUCED BY: BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER
STORY EDITOR: STACIE LIPP
STORY EDITOR: LARRY JACOBSON
CASTING BY: TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A.
CASTING ASSOCIATE: STEVEN CRAIG
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
PERFORMED BY FRANK SINATRA
MUSIC SUPERVISION: MICHAEL ANDREAS
ART DIRECTOR: RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR: JIM YARMER
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: SAM W. ORENDER
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY, STEPHANIE SCOTT
PRODUCTION ASSOCATE: KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: CARL STUDEBAKER
EDITED BY: LARRY HARRIS
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: TOM CONKRIGHT
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO: J. MARK KING
CAMERAS: MIKE CULP, MARK LaCAMERA, JILLAYNE PAUTSCH, DENNIS TURNER
RE-RECORDING: ROY PAHLMAN, JOHN BICKLEHAUPT
PRODUCTION STAFF: ROCHELLE E. STATEN, GABRIELLE TOPPING,
R. ANNE BACCHUS, HOLLY HESTER, RUTHE PIPER HARDEE, BERT L. COOK
COSTUMES: MARTI M. SQUYRES
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP: NINA KENT
HAIR STYLIST: DOTTIE McQUOWN
DOG TRAINER: STEVEN RITT
COPYRIGHT (C) 1991
All Rights Reserved
ELP Communications is the author of this film/motion picture for purposes of
Artcle 15(2) of the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effect thereto.
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISON
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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