TABLE DRAFT SCRIPT:

0522 (102)

ROUTE 666 - PART I




MARRIED... WITH CHILDREN
"ROUTE 666 - PART I"

TABLE DRAFT
APRIL 1, 1991

Executive Producers
Michael G. Moye
Ron Leavitt

Co-Executive Producer
Katherine Green

Supervising Producers
Ralph R. Farquhar
Ellen L. Fogle

Producers
Kevin Curran
Barbara Cramer

Directed By
Gerry Cohen

Written By
Katherine Green


CAST
AL BUNDY.............ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY..........KATEY SAGAL
MARCY D'ARCY.........AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY..........CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY............DAVID FAUSTINO
JEFFERSON D'ARCY.....TED McGINLEY
BUCK, THE DOG........BUCK, THE DOG
PROSPECTOR...........JOHN BYNER
CODGER #1............CARMEN FILPI
CODGER #2............OWEN BUSH
YOUNG ZEKE...........
ANNOUNCER (V.O.).....


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY

(THERE'S A BASKET FULL OF DIRTY LAUNDRY SITTING IN ONE CORNER OF THE ROOM. PEGGY IS HUMMING
 HAPPILY AS SHE TAKES AN UPRIGHT VACUUM CLEANER OUT OF THE CLOSET. THEN INSTEAD OF SWEEPING SHE
 WHIPS OUT A KNIFE AND SLITS THE BAG OPEN. SHE PEERS IN. IT'S EMPTY. SHE KICKS IT BACK INTO THE
 CLOSET DISGUSTEDLY)

PEGGY   Damn! If Al made money as well as he hid it, we'd be rich.

(KELLY COMES DOWNSTAIRS. BUD ENTERS FROM THE BASEMENT)

KELLY   Well, I can't find Daddy's hidden money anywhere and I've searched my eyes to the bone.

PEGGY   It's got to be around here somewhere. Bud, you were downstairs for two hours. Didn't you
        find anything?

BUD     Absolutely nothing.

(KELLY LIFTS BUD'S SHIRTS. HIS WAISTBAND IS A VERITABLE FLAK JACKET OF "PLAYBOYS")

BUD     Well, someone had to search the damn Playboys.

PEGGY   I know he has money hidden. I've had all three warning signs of "hidden Al money". The
        ends of my hair started to tingle. Last night, there was a smile on Daddy's face even
        after I kissed him goodnight. And the bacon strips on my Grand Slam breakfast this
        morning were in the shape of a dollar sign.

(KELLY AND BUD STARE AT HER IN DISGUST)

BUD     You had a Grand Slam breakfast?

PEGGY   (GUILTILY) Oh, didn't I take you two with me? Oh, that's right. I just ordered things you 
        would like.

KELLY   Did I have the sausage, Mom?

PEGGY   Double order.

(KELLY LOOKS SMUGLY AT BUD. HE REACTS)

PEGGY   Okay, let's get back to work. Daddy's obviously playing for keeps with his money this
        time, so it's time to get down and dirty. Kelly, you check his underwear drawer.

KELLY   Oh, no. Not me. I already had to look in his bowling shoes. Y'know, under the Odor Eaters 
        is a whole 'nother world.

BUD     It's true, Mom. I dropped a penny in there once. It was twenty seconds before it hit
        bottom.

PEGGY   Oh, alright. I'll do the underwear. It's only one pair. Bud, you take the closet...

KELLY   Appropriate for you, Bud.

PEGGY   And Kelly, you take the basement.

(KELLY STARTS UPSTAIRS)

BUD     The other basement.

KELLY   Oh. The down one.

BUD     Just like your nickname.

ALL     (JOINING HANDS) Whoa money!

(THEY ALL MARCH OFF IN GRIM DETERMINATION. A BEAT, THEN AL ENTERS SHIFTILY. HE LOOKS AROUND, SEES
 THE ROOM IS EMPTY. HE TIPTOES OVER TO THE LAUNDRY BASKET HEAPED HIGH WITH DIRTY CLOTHES. WAVES
 OFF SOME SPIDER WEBS AND DUST, REMOVES THE SIGN THAT SAYS, "PEG, PLEASE DO THE LAUNDRY", DIGS
 TO THE BOTTOM AND PULLS OUT A STRONG BOX. HE TAKES IT TO THE TABLE AND UNLOCKS IT AS BUD, UNSEEN 
 IN THE COAT CLOSET, PEERS OUT TO WATCH HIM. AL OPENS THE STRONG BOX AND TAKES OUT ANOTHER STRONG 
 BOX AND UNLOCKS IT. IN IT IS ANOTHER BOX. HE OPENS IT AND TAKES OUT A SOCK FULL OF MONEY. HE
 STARTS TO COUNT IT, LAUGHING INSANELY)

BUD     Hi, Dad.

(AL HURRIEDLY TRIES TO PUT ALL THE BOXES BACK)

BUD     Save the effort for the bathroom, Dad. I saw the money. Pretty crafty, hiding it in the
        one place where even Mom has always feared to tread.

AL      It's not what you think.

BUD     Then you're not going somewhere without us?

AL      Well, then it is what you think. But it's not what you think. I'm going to a shoe
        convention.

BUD     I thought after your failed, beer induced shoe D'etat back in Eighty-Seven, you were
        barred from the conventions for life.

AL      I was. But Jim Thompson wasn't. And that's my new name.

BUD     Uh, Dad.

AL      Call me Jim.

BUD     Jim, surely even a dull man has asked himself, "Why would anyone want to go to a shoe
        convention?"

AL      To stay on the cutting edge of the shoe business, son. Exchanging shoe information,
        bouncing really trashy shoe groupies on your knee. And the best part is -- and this part
        you must never ever mention to your mother -- this year it's in L.A.

BUD     L.A. ? You mean the home of Hollywood, sunshine and huge, man-made hooters?

AL      And let's not forget their world famous shoestores.

(THEY LAUGH)

BUD     And the city's culture.

(THEY LAUGH HARDER)

BUD     Just a hint, here, Dad. Hooters don't come cheap West of the Rockies. You're gonna need
        some serious front money.

AL      I got it covered, son. I cashed in my complimentary plane ticket, and I'm taking the car. 
        That'll leave me with plenty of spending money. In forty-eight hours I'll be up to my
        neck in sand and strip joints. Now remember, son, utter not a word of this to the rest of 
        the family.

BUD     I swear. When do we leave?

AL      We? Bud, I seek fun. I go alone.

(HE SLIPS A FOLDED UP NEWSPAPER UNDER BUD'S ARM)

AL      You're the man of the house now. Remember, silence for the brotherhood of men.

(HE PUTS OUT HIS HAND FOR FIVE)

BUD     (YELLING) Mom! Kelly! Dad's got money and he's planning to have fun without us.

(PEGGY AND KELLY COME RUSHING IN)

PEGGY   I knew it! I knew it! The bacon never lies.

AL      I'm just going on a boring business trip to a small hellhole of a shoe factory town
        somewhere in Shoesconsin.

BUD     It's in L.A. Make him take us.

KELLY   L.A. ? We're going to Long Island?

PEGGY   It's Los Angeles we're going to, honey.

AL      No, you're not. I'm going alone.

PEGGY   (EXCITED) Can we drive by the house where the Dukes of Hazzard live?

AL      No.

BUD     Can we drop in on Hef?

AL      No.

KELLY   Can we visit Garfield's house?

AL      No. I am going alone. You can scream all you want. You can cry. (TO PEGGY) You can
        threaten me with sex. But Jim Thompson has spoken. I am going to L.A. And when my car
        pulls out of that driveway -- hopefully for the last time -- I will be in it alone.


FLIP TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

EXT. HIGHTWAY - DAY

(THE WHEELS OF AL'S CAR SPINNING AS THE ROAD GOES BY. WE HEAR THE BUNDY FAMILY SINGING "99
 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL")

PEGGY   (V.O.) Beautiful country, isn't it?

(WE SEE GARBAGE BEING DROPPED OUT THE WINDOW -- MALT CUPS, POTATO CHIP BAGS, ETC.)


DISSOLVE TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

(THE WHEELS STILL ROLLING)

KELLY   (V.O.) It smells in this car.

AL      (V.O.) That's America you're smelling, kids. Just look at its majesty.

AL      (V.O.) (SINGS) 
        WITH A HEY NOW, HO NOW
        DERRY DERRY DOWN DOWN
        AMONG THE GRASS SO GREEN-O


DISSOLVE TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE FOUR

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

(WHEELS STILL ROLLING)

KELLY   (V.O.) Are we there yet, Daddy?

PEGGY   (V.O.) Don't bother your father while he's driving, Kelly. Are we, Al? (BEAT) Al, wake 
        up!

(WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A CAR HITTING GRAVEL, THEN BRAKES SQUEALING, PASSING CAR HONKS)

AL      (V.O.) (COMING OUT OF A SLEEPING STUPOR)
        NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEER...
        Where are we?


DISSOLVE TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE FIVE

INT. ROAD - DAY

(WE SEE A SIGN BY THE ROAD THAT SAYS "LUCIFER, NEW MEXICO. DAYS OVER 100  LAST YEAR: 365")

INT. PORCH OF AN OLD GENERAL STORE - CONTINUOUS

(THERE ARE THREE OR FOUR CODGERS SITTING AROUND)

CODGER1 Chill in the air, eh, Zeke?

CODGER2 I thought you were Zeke.

CODGER1 Maybe I am. (SQUINTING) There's something you don't see every day -- people.

(AS THE BUNDY FAMILY COMES WALKING UP TO THE GENERAL STORE)

BUD     Are we alive?

AL      We must be. I'm not happy. I let Kelly drive for one hour and we end up on Route
        Six-six-six. Nice job, breaking the axle, Pumpkin.

KELLY   It wasn't my fault. I saw a sign that said "Dip" so naturally I looked at Bud, and the
        next thing I knew we were airborne. (SHE LOOKS AT THE LOCALS ON THE PORCH) Look, Daddy.
        We've happened upon the shoe salesman convention after all.

AL      I'll handle this. (TO LOCAL) Excuse me, Six Tooth, can you tell me where we can get a car 
        fixed?

CODGER1 A gas station I reckon.

AL      Is there one around here?

CODGER1 Oh, yeah. You just can't see it for the hurly burly of traffic, but it's right across the 
        street.

(THE LOCALS LAUGH AND SPIT TOBACCO. THE KIDS LICK THEIR LIPS THIRSTILY)

AL	Peg, you do the talking. You speak their language. They're like your relatives.

PEGGY   Look, gentlemen, there's a cool twenty-five cents in it for you if you can haul our car
        to a station.

CODGER1 I believe we're being bribed.

CODGER2 No, we're being tipped... or insulted. A bribe is two hundred dollars.

AL      How much money do we have?

PEGGY   Cash or in the bank?

AL      Either.

PEGGY   Including the traveler's checks?

AL      Yes.

PEGGY   Five dollars.

AL      Five dollars! What happened to all my money?

PEGGY   Gee, maybe we shouldn't have stopped at "See A Live Lizard", and blown the rest of the
        wad feeding him peanuts.

AL      Well, there's only one thing to do. Peg, call Marcy and have her wire some money. She may 
        be less than receptive to this, since we borrowed her tires, so tell her the kids are
        hurt and near death. And throw in a few of those choking sounds you make when the Bon
        Bons get bottlenecked in your throat.

(PEGGY EXITS INTO THE GENERAL STORE)

KELLY   Daddy, we're dying of thirst.

(BUD SPOTS AN ANTIQUE COKE MACHINE ON THE PORCH)

BUD     Dad, a pop machine.

AL      Hey, I remember those. They're antique now.

BUD     Put some money in, you fool. We're dying.

AL      Oh, all right.

(HE SEES A SIGN ON THE MACHINE THAT READS "COKES 5c")

AL      Hey, five cents. How do these hicks make any money?

(AL GETS A BOTTLE OF COKE, THEN LOOKS AROUND FOR AN OPENER)

AL      I don't see an opener.

CODGER1 You will when we see five dollars -- rental fee.

AL      Five dollars for a bottle opener?

CODGER1 Yep. Unless you want to join our club. Rent it ten times and the eleventh is free.

AL      You people are crooks.

CODGER1 Yep, but we ain't thirsty.

(THE LOCALS LAUGH. AL GIVES THEM MONEY, THEY GIVE HIM THE OPENER. AL OPENS THE SODA AND GUZZLES
 IT DOWN WHILE THE KIDS WATCH THIRSTILY)

AL      Ahh. Good idea, kids. God it's hot. Well, the money should be here any time now.

(HE SITS DOWN AND TAKES OFF HIS SHOES. SEVERAL OF THE LOCALS QUICKLY LEAVE)

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. GENERAL STORE - NIGHT

(CODGER #1 AND CODGER #2 ARE ON THE PORCH. ONE IS PLAYING A BANJO. PEGGY IS ASLEEP IN THE YARD.
 BUD IS ON THE STEPS. AL IS SITTING ON THE PORCH SURROUNDED BY EMPTY COKE BOTTLES AS KELLY
 DANCES)

AL      Kelly.

(KELLY STOPS HER DANCE. AL HOLDS OUT HIS HAND TO THE LOCALS)

AL      Put another nickel in, partners.

CODGER1 Can we have the little boy stand on his head some more? I can't get enough of that.

AL      Sure, but he's getting dizzy so I'm gonna have to raise the price to a dime.

(THEY PAY. BUD TRIES AND FALLS OVER)

CODGER1 That was only worth a nickel. But have the girl do that little jump of hers and we'll
        call it even.

AL      Kelly?

KELLY   Daddy, I've hot heat prostrate. When's Marcy gonna wire the money? It's been seven hours.

AL      Hey, do you think I'm having fun here? This is rough on all of us.

(HE FINISHES HIS COKE AND TOSSES IT ON A PILE OF EMPTIES. AN OLD PROSPECTOR HOBBLES UP)

PROS    Hi, Zeke.

(ALL THE GUYS ON THE PORCH SAY "HI")

PROS    Well, I just made the last trip I'm ever gonna make to that mine. I've got plenty of
        money. All I need now is a car to take me to the big city. (TO AL) Is six million dollars 
        enough for a good city woman?

AL      Barely.

PROS    Ow. Got a rock in my shoe.

(THE PROSPECTOR TAKES A GOLD NUGGET OUT OF HIS SHOE)

PROS    Damn nuggets are everywhere.

(HE TOSSES IT ASIDE)

AL      That looks like a gold nugget.

(THE KIDS DIVE ON IT)

PROS    Anybody here wanna take this mine off my hands? How 'bout you, Young Zeke?

YOUNG Z Not me. I'm too old to be rich.

PROS    (TO CODGER) How 'bout you, Zeke?

CODGER1 Not me. Bad back. Can't bend over and pick up gold anymore. That's why I got this here
        bottle opener. Besides, I ain't got a car to trade you.

KELLY   Daddy, we have a car.

AL      (ASIDE TO KELLY) Don't look too anxious.

BUD     What if it's a scam, Dad?

AL      Only one way to find out.

(AL GOES OVER TO WHERE PEGGY IS SLEEPING. HE PUTS THE NUGGET UNDER HER NOSE. PEGGY WAKES UP
 INSTANTLY)

PEGGY   Gold!

(AL RUSHES BACK TO THE PROSPECTOR)

AL      Look, all I got is a car and the kids and the wife on my back. So, what do you say, Old
        Timer? You want to sell?

PROS    I dunno. You look like a nice fella. Gold would just ruin your life. You've already got
        it all. A wife, kids, uh... well, you must have more than this. Besides, you don't know
        what gold does to a man's soul. It turns families into mobs -- brings hatred and
        violence. Turns husband against wife, brother against sister.

AL      So it'd be just like my life now except I'd have gold in both hands and I'd be yelling,
        "Yippee, yippee"?

PROS    (RELUCTANTLY) All right. You can't say you haven't been warned. Here's the map.

(AL TAKES IT)

PEGGY   Kelly, give the nice man Daddy's car keys.

(KELLY DOES)

PEGGY   It's a Dodge. It's just down the road, and turn left at the axle.

AL      Come on, kids. We're gonna go pick some gold.

(AL AND THE FAMILY START TO RUSH OFF)

PROS    You can't go up in these hills like that. 

AL      You're right. Peg, kids. Stay here. I'll be back as soon as I strike it rich.

PROS    No, son. You need picks, mules, guns for bandits. Lots of booze, quarters for the girlie
        shows, tickets for the theater. Wait. No. Those last three are for me when I get to the
        big city. But you need supplies, and that's gonna take money.

(WE HEAR THE SOUND OF HORSES PULLING A WAGON)

PEGGY   Uh oh, that's Marcy getting out of her cab.

(WE HEAR THE HORSES WHINNY)

PEGGY   Kids, cripple up. Al, die.

(THE KIDS ASSUME HURT POSITIONS. AL LIES DOWN ON THE GROUND. MARCY AND JEFFERSON RUSH UP)

MARCY   We came as fast as we could. Are the children all right?

(JEFFERSON SETS THEIR BAGS DOWN ON AL)

PEGGY   I thought you were going to wire the money.

JEFF    We decided we should come in case you needed help.

PEGGY   But you did bring the money, didn't you?

MARCY   Yes, it's right here. 

(SHE TAKES OUT MONEY, THEN SEES AL)

MARCY   Oh, my God. Poor Al. Look, he's decomposing already.

(AL JUMPS UP AND GRABS THE MONEY)

AL      Oh, give me that.

(MARCY SCREAMS)

PEGGY   He's alive. It's a miracle.

JEF     He's not dead? Then where did that smell come from?

KELLY   Can we get up now? The scorpion Bud's lying on is giving me the heebie jeebies.

(BUD JUMPS UP, HURRIEDLY BRUSHING HIMSELF OFF)

MARCY   And your kids aren't even hurt?

BUD     Well, growing up like this, you can't say we're exactly healthy.

PEGGY   Go play with the Zekes, kids.

MARCY   How dare you call us and tell us Al was dead and your children were hurt. Why, Peggy?
        Why?

PEGGY   (SHRUGS) For gold. Look at this, Marcy. It's a gold nugget.

(JEFFERSON GRABS IT AND LOOKS AT IT)

MARCY   Don't tell me you fools have gold fever? This is Nineteen Ninety for God's sake. What
        kind of idiot still gets gold fever in this day and age?

(WE SEE JEFFERSON, SWEAT POURING OFF HIS FACE, LOOKING INSANE)

JEFF    It's real gold. I love it. I'm keeping it. I want more.

MARCY   (EXCITEDLY) Real gold! (TO PEGGY) Where did you get this?

PEGGY   From the guy with the fleas.

AL      Yeah. And I got it from him. (INDICATES PROSPECTOR)

PEGGY   We bought the mine but we still need money for supplies.

(JEFFERSON GRABS THEIR MONEY BACK FROM AL)

JEFF    Let me handle this.

(JEFFERSON GOES TO THE PORCH AND GETS A COKE. HE SEES THE FIVE DOLLAR OPENER SIGN, TAKES AN
 OPENER OUT OF HIS OWN POCKET AND OPENS THE COKE. HE WINKS AT AL. THEN HE GETS CAGEY)

JEFF    (TO PROSPECTOR) I don't know, Ol' Timer. This nugget doesn't look like it's worth that
        much. (HIS HAND STARTS SHAKING) How many more are there up there like this?

PROS    Enought to keep you and your little fella (INDICATES MARCY) in baseball cards for the
        rest of his life.

(THE PROSPECTOR TOSSLES MARCY'S HAIR)

MARCY   Get your lice infested hands off me, Festus. I'm his wife.

PROS    Oh. Well, if I'm gonna go to the city, I guess I better get liberal.

JEFF    So, how much are you asking for your prospecting equipment?

PROS    Two hundred dollars and the "Little Lady's" bracelet.

MARCY   That's my Mother's...

JEFF    Done.

(HE TAKES HER BRACELET AND GIVES THE PROSPECTOR THE BRACELET AND THE MONEY)

JEFF    We're rich!

AL      You're half rich. We've got the map. You've got the supplies. Looks like we're partners.

JEFF    (LOOKS AT MARCY FOR APPROVAL) Partners?

MARCY   (THINKS, THEN) Partners.

JEFF    (OFFERS HIS HAND TO AL) Partners.

AL      Partners.

(THEY ALL SMILE AND SHAKE HANDS)

ANNOUN  (V.O.) Well, it looks like the Bundys and the D'Arcys are off to them thar hills to
        search for gold.

ANGLE ON: AL

ANNOUN  (V.O.) Will Al strike it rich and finally be able to afford his own bathroom with toilet
        paper as soft as a mother's kiss?

ANGLE ON: PEGGY

ANNOUN  (V.O.) Will Peggy strike it rich and be able to get her own platinum credit card carried
        in the loincloth of a Nubian god?

ANGLE ON: JEFFERSON

ANNOUN  (V.O.) Will Jefferson finally be rich enough to move to a real neighborhood?

ANGLE ON: MARCY

ANNOUN  (V.O.) Will Marcy ever get a decent haircut?

ANGLE ON: KELLY

ANNOUN  (V.O.) Will Kelly trade all her gold nuggets for a shiny new nickel?

ANGLE ON: BUD

ANNOUN  (V.O.) Will Bud steal her nickel?


CUT TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY

(BUCK SITTING ON THE COUCH SURROUNDED BY FIVE OR SIX OTHER DOGS. ALL ARE WEARING PARTY HATS)

ANNOUN  (V.O.) Will anyone find out Buck had all his friends over while he had the house to
        himself and partied till he puked? We'll find out next week on "Married... With Children".

(SUPER: TO BE CONTINUED...)

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO

END OF PART ONE



Scribed by Nitzan Gilkis


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