TABLE DRAFT SCRIPT:
ROUTE 666 - PART I
MARRIED... WITH CHILDREN
"ROUTE 666 - PART I"
APRIL 1, 1991
Michael G. Moye
Ralph R. Farquhar
Ellen L. Fogle
AL BUNDY.............ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY..........KATEY SAGAL
MARCY D'ARCY.........AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY..........CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY............DAVID FAUSTINO
JEFFERSON D'ARCY.....TED McGINLEY
BUCK, THE DOG........BUCK, THE DOG
CODGER #1............CARMEN FILPI
CODGER #2............OWEN BUSH
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY
(THERE'S A BASKET FULL OF DIRTY LAUNDRY SITTING IN ONE CORNER OF THE ROOM. PEGGY IS HUMMING
HAPPILY AS SHE TAKES AN UPRIGHT VACUUM CLEANER OUT OF THE CLOSET. THEN INSTEAD OF SWEEPING SHE
WHIPS OUT A KNIFE AND SLITS THE BAG OPEN. SHE PEERS IN. IT'S EMPTY. SHE KICKS IT BACK INTO THE
PEGGY Damn! If Al made money as well as he hid it, we'd be rich.
(KELLY COMES DOWNSTAIRS. BUD ENTERS FROM THE BASEMENT)
KELLY Well, I can't find Daddy's hidden money anywhere and I've searched my eyes to the bone.
PEGGY It's got to be around here somewhere. Bud, you were downstairs for two hours. Didn't you
BUD Absolutely nothing.
(KELLY LIFTS BUD'S SHIRTS. HIS WAISTBAND IS A VERITABLE FLAK JACKET OF "PLAYBOYS")
BUD Well, someone had to search the damn Playboys.
PEGGY I know he has money hidden. I've had all three warning signs of "hidden Al money". The
ends of my hair started to tingle. Last night, there was a smile on Daddy's face even
after I kissed him goodnight. And the bacon strips on my Grand Slam breakfast this
morning were in the shape of a dollar sign.
(KELLY AND BUD STARE AT HER IN DISGUST)
BUD You had a Grand Slam breakfast?
PEGGY (GUILTILY) Oh, didn't I take you two with me? Oh, that's right. I just ordered things you
KELLY Did I have the sausage, Mom?
PEGGY Double order.
(KELLY LOOKS SMUGLY AT BUD. HE REACTS)
PEGGY Okay, let's get back to work. Daddy's obviously playing for keeps with his money this
time, so it's time to get down and dirty. Kelly, you check his underwear drawer.
KELLY Oh, no. Not me. I already had to look in his bowling shoes. Y'know, under the Odor Eaters
is a whole 'nother world.
BUD It's true, Mom. I dropped a penny in there once. It was twenty seconds before it hit
PEGGY Oh, alright. I'll do the underwear. It's only one pair. Bud, you take the closet...
KELLY Appropriate for you, Bud.
PEGGY And Kelly, you take the basement.
(KELLY STARTS UPSTAIRS)
BUD The other basement.
KELLY Oh. The down one.
BUD Just like your nickname.
ALL (JOINING HANDS) Whoa money!
(THEY ALL MARCH OFF IN GRIM DETERMINATION. A BEAT, THEN AL ENTERS SHIFTILY. HE LOOKS AROUND, SEES
THE ROOM IS EMPTY. HE TIPTOES OVER TO THE LAUNDRY BASKET HEAPED HIGH WITH DIRTY CLOTHES. WAVES
OFF SOME SPIDER WEBS AND DUST, REMOVES THE SIGN THAT SAYS, "PEG, PLEASE DO THE LAUNDRY", DIGS
TO THE BOTTOM AND PULLS OUT A STRONG BOX. HE TAKES IT TO THE TABLE AND UNLOCKS IT AS BUD, UNSEEN
IN THE COAT CLOSET, PEERS OUT TO WATCH HIM. AL OPENS THE STRONG BOX AND TAKES OUT ANOTHER STRONG
BOX AND UNLOCKS IT. IN IT IS ANOTHER BOX. HE OPENS IT AND TAKES OUT A SOCK FULL OF MONEY. HE
STARTS TO COUNT IT, LAUGHING INSANELY)
BUD Hi, Dad.
(AL HURRIEDLY TRIES TO PUT ALL THE BOXES BACK)
BUD Save the effort for the bathroom, Dad. I saw the money. Pretty crafty, hiding it in the
one place where even Mom has always feared to tread.
AL It's not what you think.
BUD Then you're not going somewhere without us?
AL Well, then it is what you think. But it's not what you think. I'm going to a shoe
BUD I thought after your failed, beer induced shoe D'etat back in Eighty-Seven, you were
barred from the conventions for life.
AL I was. But Jim Thompson wasn't. And that's my new name.
BUD Uh, Dad.
AL Call me Jim.
BUD Jim, surely even a dull man has asked himself, "Why would anyone want to go to a shoe
AL To stay on the cutting edge of the shoe business, son. Exchanging shoe information,
bouncing really trashy shoe groupies on your knee. And the best part is -- and this part
you must never ever mention to your mother -- this year it's in L.A.
BUD L.A. ? You mean the home of Hollywood, sunshine and huge, man-made hooters?
AL And let's not forget their world famous shoestores.
BUD And the city's culture.
(THEY LAUGH HARDER)
BUD Just a hint, here, Dad. Hooters don't come cheap West of the Rockies. You're gonna need
some serious front money.
AL I got it covered, son. I cashed in my complimentary plane ticket, and I'm taking the car.
That'll leave me with plenty of spending money. In forty-eight hours I'll be up to my
neck in sand and strip joints. Now remember, son, utter not a word of this to the rest of
BUD I swear. When do we leave?
AL We? Bud, I seek fun. I go alone.
(HE SLIPS A FOLDED UP NEWSPAPER UNDER BUD'S ARM)
AL You're the man of the house now. Remember, silence for the brotherhood of men.
(HE PUTS OUT HIS HAND FOR FIVE)
BUD (YELLING) Mom! Kelly! Dad's got money and he's planning to have fun without us.
(PEGGY AND KELLY COME RUSHING IN)
PEGGY I knew it! I knew it! The bacon never lies.
AL I'm just going on a boring business trip to a small hellhole of a shoe factory town
somewhere in Shoesconsin.
BUD It's in L.A. Make him take us.
KELLY L.A. ? We're going to Long Island?
PEGGY It's Los Angeles we're going to, honey.
AL No, you're not. I'm going alone.
PEGGY (EXCITED) Can we drive by the house where the Dukes of Hazzard live?
BUD Can we drop in on Hef?
KELLY Can we visit Garfield's house?
AL No. I am going alone. You can scream all you want. You can cry. (TO PEGGY) You can
threaten me with sex. But Jim Thompson has spoken. I am going to L.A. And when my car
pulls out of that driveway -- hopefully for the last time -- I will be in it alone.
EXT. HIGHTWAY - DAY
(THE WHEELS OF AL'S CAR SPINNING AS THE ROAD GOES BY. WE HEAR THE BUNDY FAMILY SINGING "99
BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL")
PEGGY (V.O.) Beautiful country, isn't it?
(WE SEE GARBAGE BEING DROPPED OUT THE WINDOW -- MALT CUPS, POTATO CHIP BAGS, ETC.)
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
(THE WHEELS STILL ROLLING)
KELLY (V.O.) It smells in this car.
AL (V.O.) That's America you're smelling, kids. Just look at its majesty.
AL (V.O.) (SINGS)
WITH A HEY NOW, HO NOW
DERRY DERRY DOWN DOWN
AMONG THE GRASS SO GREEN-O
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
(WHEELS STILL ROLLING)
KELLY (V.O.) Are we there yet, Daddy?
PEGGY (V.O.) Don't bother your father while he's driving, Kelly. Are we, Al? (BEAT) Al, wake
(WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A CAR HITTING GRAVEL, THEN BRAKES SQUEALING, PASSING CAR HONKS)
AL (V.O.) (COMING OUT OF A SLEEPING STUPOR)
NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEER...
Where are we?
INT. ROAD - DAY
(WE SEE A SIGN BY THE ROAD THAT SAYS "LUCIFER, NEW MEXICO. DAYS OVER 100 ° LAST YEAR: 365")
INT. PORCH OF AN OLD GENERAL STORE - CONTINUOUS
(THERE ARE THREE OR FOUR CODGERS SITTING AROUND)
CODGER1 Chill in the air, eh, Zeke?
CODGER2 I thought you were Zeke.
CODGER1 Maybe I am. (SQUINTING) There's something you don't see every day -- people.
(AS THE BUNDY FAMILY COMES WALKING UP TO THE GENERAL STORE)
BUD Are we alive?
AL We must be. I'm not happy. I let Kelly drive for one hour and we end up on Route
Six-six-six. Nice job, breaking the axle, Pumpkin.
KELLY It wasn't my fault. I saw a sign that said "Dip" so naturally I looked at Bud, and the
next thing I knew we were airborne. (SHE LOOKS AT THE LOCALS ON THE PORCH) Look, Daddy.
We've happened upon the shoe salesman convention after all.
AL I'll handle this. (TO LOCAL) Excuse me, Six Tooth, can you tell me where we can get a car
CODGER1 A gas station I reckon.
AL Is there one around here?
CODGER1 Oh, yeah. You just can't see it for the hurly burly of traffic, but it's right across the
(THE LOCALS LAUGH AND SPIT TOBACCO. THE KIDS LICK THEIR LIPS THIRSTILY)
AL Peg, you do the talking. You speak their language. They're like your relatives.
PEGGY Look, gentlemen, there's a cool twenty-five cents in it for you if you can haul our car
to a station.
CODGER1 I believe we're being bribed.
CODGER2 No, we're being tipped... or insulted. A bribe is two hundred dollars.
AL How much money do we have?
PEGGY Cash or in the bank?
PEGGY Including the traveler's checks?
PEGGY Five dollars.
AL Five dollars! What happened to all my money?
PEGGY Gee, maybe we shouldn't have stopped at "See A Live Lizard", and blown the rest of the
wad feeding him peanuts.
AL Well, there's only one thing to do. Peg, call Marcy and have her wire some money. She may
be less than receptive to this, since we borrowed her tires, so tell her the kids are
hurt and near death. And throw in a few of those choking sounds you make when the Bon
Bons get bottlenecked in your throat.
(PEGGY EXITS INTO THE GENERAL STORE)
KELLY Daddy, we're dying of thirst.
(BUD SPOTS AN ANTIQUE COKE MACHINE ON THE PORCH)
BUD Dad, a pop machine.
AL Hey, I remember those. They're antique now.
BUD Put some money in, you fool. We're dying.
AL Oh, all right.
(HE SEES A SIGN ON THE MACHINE THAT READS "COKES 5c")
AL Hey, five cents. How do these hicks make any money?
(AL GETS A BOTTLE OF COKE, THEN LOOKS AROUND FOR AN OPENER)
AL I don't see an opener.
CODGER1 You will when we see five dollars -- rental fee.
AL Five dollars for a bottle opener?
CODGER1 Yep. Unless you want to join our club. Rent it ten times and the eleventh is free.
AL You people are crooks.
CODGER1 Yep, but we ain't thirsty.
(THE LOCALS LAUGH. AL GIVES THEM MONEY, THEY GIVE HIM THE OPENER. AL OPENS THE SODA AND GUZZLES
IT DOWN WHILE THE KIDS WATCH THIRSTILY)
AL Ahh. Good idea, kids. God it's hot. Well, the money should be here any time now.
(HE SITS DOWN AND TAKES OFF HIS SHOES. SEVERAL OF THE LOCALS QUICKLY LEAVE)
END OF ACT ONE
INT. GENERAL STORE - NIGHT
(CODGER #1 AND CODGER #2 ARE ON THE PORCH. ONE IS PLAYING A BANJO. PEGGY IS ASLEEP IN THE YARD.
BUD IS ON THE STEPS. AL IS SITTING ON THE PORCH SURROUNDED BY EMPTY COKE BOTTLES AS KELLY
(KELLY STOPS HER DANCE. AL HOLDS OUT HIS HAND TO THE LOCALS)
AL Put another nickel in, partners.
CODGER1 Can we have the little boy stand on his head some more? I can't get enough of that.
AL Sure, but he's getting dizzy so I'm gonna have to raise the price to a dime.
(THEY PAY. BUD TRIES AND FALLS OVER)
CODGER1 That was only worth a nickel. But have the girl do that little jump of hers and we'll
call it even.
KELLY Daddy, I've hot heat prostrate. When's Marcy gonna wire the money? It's been seven hours.
AL Hey, do you think I'm having fun here? This is rough on all of us.
(HE FINISHES HIS COKE AND TOSSES IT ON A PILE OF EMPTIES. AN OLD PROSPECTOR HOBBLES UP)
PROS Hi, Zeke.
(ALL THE GUYS ON THE PORCH SAY "HI")
PROS Well, I just made the last trip I'm ever gonna make to that mine. I've got plenty of
money. All I need now is a car to take me to the big city. (TO AL) Is six million dollars
enough for a good city woman?
PROS Ow. Got a rock in my shoe.
(THE PROSPECTOR TAKES A GOLD NUGGET OUT OF HIS SHOE)
PROS Damn nuggets are everywhere.
(HE TOSSES IT ASIDE)
AL That looks like a gold nugget.
(THE KIDS DIVE ON IT)
PROS Anybody here wanna take this mine off my hands? How 'bout you, Young Zeke?
YOUNG Z Not me. I'm too old to be rich.
PROS (TO CODGER) How 'bout you, Zeke?
CODGER1 Not me. Bad back. Can't bend over and pick up gold anymore. That's why I got this here
bottle opener. Besides, I ain't got a car to trade you.
KELLY Daddy, we have a car.
AL (ASIDE TO KELLY) Don't look too anxious.
BUD What if it's a scam, Dad?
AL Only one way to find out.
(AL GOES OVER TO WHERE PEGGY IS SLEEPING. HE PUTS THE NUGGET UNDER HER NOSE. PEGGY WAKES UP
(AL RUSHES BACK TO THE PROSPECTOR)
AL Look, all I got is a car and the kids and the wife on my back. So, what do you say, Old
Timer? You want to sell?
PROS I dunno. You look like a nice fella. Gold would just ruin your life. You've already got
it all. A wife, kids, uh... well, you must have more than this. Besides, you don't know
what gold does to a man's soul. It turns families into mobs -- brings hatred and
violence. Turns husband against wife, brother against sister.
AL So it'd be just like my life now except I'd have gold in both hands and I'd be yelling,
PROS (RELUCTANTLY) All right. You can't say you haven't been warned. Here's the map.
(AL TAKES IT)
PEGGY Kelly, give the nice man Daddy's car keys.
PEGGY It's a Dodge. It's just down the road, and turn left at the axle.
AL Come on, kids. We're gonna go pick some gold.
(AL AND THE FAMILY START TO RUSH OFF)
PROS You can't go up in these hills like that.
AL You're right. Peg, kids. Stay here. I'll be back as soon as I strike it rich.
PROS No, son. You need picks, mules, guns for bandits. Lots of booze, quarters for the girlie
shows, tickets for the theater. Wait. No. Those last three are for me when I get to the
big city. But you need supplies, and that's gonna take money.
(WE HEAR THE SOUND OF HORSES PULLING A WAGON)
PEGGY Uh oh, that's Marcy getting out of her cab.
(WE HEAR THE HORSES WHINNY)
PEGGY Kids, cripple up. Al, die.
(THE KIDS ASSUME HURT POSITIONS. AL LIES DOWN ON THE GROUND. MARCY AND JEFFERSON RUSH UP)
MARCY We came as fast as we could. Are the children all right?
(JEFFERSON SETS THEIR BAGS DOWN ON AL)
PEGGY I thought you were going to wire the money.
JEFF We decided we should come in case you needed help.
PEGGY But you did bring the money, didn't you?
MARCY Yes, it's right here.
(SHE TAKES OUT MONEY, THEN SEES AL)
MARCY Oh, my God. Poor Al. Look, he's decomposing already.
(AL JUMPS UP AND GRABS THE MONEY)
AL Oh, give me that.
PEGGY He's alive. It's a miracle.
JEF He's not dead? Then where did that smell come from?
KELLY Can we get up now? The scorpion Bud's lying on is giving me the heebie jeebies.
(BUD JUMPS UP, HURRIEDLY BRUSHING HIMSELF OFF)
MARCY And your kids aren't even hurt?
BUD Well, growing up like this, you can't say we're exactly healthy.
PEGGY Go play with the Zekes, kids.
MARCY How dare you call us and tell us Al was dead and your children were hurt. Why, Peggy?
PEGGY (SHRUGS) For gold. Look at this, Marcy. It's a gold nugget.
(JEFFERSON GRABS IT AND LOOKS AT IT)
MARCY Don't tell me you fools have gold fever? This is Nineteen Ninety for God's sake. What
kind of idiot still gets gold fever in this day and age?
(WE SEE JEFFERSON, SWEAT POURING OFF HIS FACE, LOOKING INSANE)
JEFF It's real gold. I love it. I'm keeping it. I want more.
MARCY (EXCITEDLY) Real gold! (TO PEGGY) Where did you get this?
PEGGY From the guy with the fleas.
AL Yeah. And I got it from him. (INDICATES PROSPECTOR)
PEGGY We bought the mine but we still need money for supplies.
(JEFFERSON GRABS THEIR MONEY BACK FROM AL)
JEFF Let me handle this.
(JEFFERSON GOES TO THE PORCH AND GETS A COKE. HE SEES THE FIVE DOLLAR OPENER SIGN, TAKES AN
OPENER OUT OF HIS OWN POCKET AND OPENS THE COKE. HE WINKS AT AL. THEN HE GETS CAGEY)
JEFF (TO PROSPECTOR) I don't know, Ol' Timer. This nugget doesn't look like it's worth that
much. (HIS HAND STARTS SHAKING) How many more are there up there like this?
PROS Enought to keep you and your little fella (INDICATES MARCY) in baseball cards for the
rest of his life.
(THE PROSPECTOR TOSSLES MARCY'S HAIR)
MARCY Get your lice infested hands off me, Festus. I'm his wife.
PROS Oh. Well, if I'm gonna go to the city, I guess I better get liberal.
JEFF So, how much are you asking for your prospecting equipment?
PROS Two hundred dollars and the "Little Lady's" bracelet.
MARCY That's my Mother's...
(HE TAKES HER BRACELET AND GIVES THE PROSPECTOR THE BRACELET AND THE MONEY)
JEFF We're rich!
AL You're half rich. We've got the map. You've got the supplies. Looks like we're partners.
JEFF (LOOKS AT MARCY FOR APPROVAL) Partners?
MARCY (THINKS, THEN) Partners.
JEFF (OFFERS HIS HAND TO AL) Partners.
(THEY ALL SMILE AND SHAKE HANDS)
ANNOUN (V.O.) Well, it looks like the Bundys and the D'Arcys are off to them thar hills to
search for gold.
ANGLE ON: AL
ANNOUN (V.O.) Will Al strike it rich and finally be able to afford his own bathroom with toilet
paper as soft as a mother's kiss?
ANGLE ON: PEGGY
ANNOUN (V.O.) Will Peggy strike it rich and be able to get her own platinum credit card carried
in the loincloth of a Nubian god?
ANGLE ON: JEFFERSON
ANNOUN (V.O.) Will Jefferson finally be rich enough to move to a real neighborhood?
ANGLE ON: MARCY
ANNOUN (V.O.) Will Marcy ever get a decent haircut?
ANGLE ON: KELLY
ANNOUN (V.O.) Will Kelly trade all her gold nuggets for a shiny new nickel?
ANGLE ON: BUD
ANNOUN (V.O.) Will Bud steal her nickel?
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY
(BUCK SITTING ON THE COUCH SURROUNDED BY FIVE OR SIX OTHER DOGS. ALL ARE WEARING PARTY HATS)
ANNOUN (V.O.) Will anyone find out Buck had all his friends over while he had the house to
himself and partied till he puked? We'll find out next week on "Married... With Children".
(SUPER: TO BE CONTINUED...)
END OF ACT TWO
END OF PART ONE
Scribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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