YOU BETTER SHOP AROUND PART ONE
Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Marcy D'Arcy...............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Jefferson D'Arcy...........Ted McGinley
Buck.......................Buck the Dog
Bob........................John Mallory Asher
The D.J....................Kevin Ryder
Mrs. Gillis................Louise P. Rapport
Cheese Lady................Regina Leeds
INT. BUNDY BACK YARD - DAY
(WE SEE A RADIO ON THE TABLE. NEXT TO THE TABLE SITS PEGGY IN A CHAIR. SHE IS SWELTERING IN
BEACH TYPE CLOTHES. WE HEAR A DISC JOCKEY)
D.J. (V.O.) Hot enough for you folks? It must be a thousand degrees out there. Yep, it's
summer time, and the weather is sizzling. Fish are poppin' and the D.J. is high. I
hope you're all as cool as I am.
(PEGGY SHUTS OFF THE RADIO. WE SEE AL RECLINING IN AN INFLATABLE KIDDY POOL, LEGS AND ARMS
HANGING OVER THE EDGE)
AL I wonder what the poor people are doing today.
(KELLY AND BUD ARE NEARBY IN BATHING SUITS)
BUD Dad, why don't you just buy us an air conditioner?
AL Ah, you don't want to be stuck inside on a day like today. C'mon. Dive in.
(THEY SIGH AND GET IN THE POOL. THEY ONLY HAVE ENOUGH ROOM TO STAND ON EITHER SIDE OF HIM AND
TAKE TWO STEPS. THEY WALK BACK AND FORTH A FEW BEATS)
AL Now, be careful. It hasn't been a whole hour since you've eaten.
BUD Don't worry, Dad. Sometimes you've just got to say "What the hey" and go for it.
KELLY Daddy, I'm sweating cats and dogs. This pool sucks.
AL If you two are bored, let's have a little jacuzzi action.
(BUD AND KELLY RELUCTANTLY START STAMPING THEIR FEET TO CHURN THE WATER)
AL Hey, Peg. A little Tang Margarita, sil vous plais.
(PEGGY CROSSES TO THE POOL)
PEGGY Coming right up.
(PEGGY TAKES AL'S CUP AND FILLS IT UP WITH POOL WATER)
AL You forgot the tang.
PEGGY Look, Al, as much as I applaud your exposing yourself to water, don't you think it's time
we marched bravely into the fifties and bought an air conditioner?
AL Peg, can't a hundred degree day go by without you bringing up air conditioning? Besides,
as soon as we get one, they're just gonna invent something new. I'll be damned if I'll
have one in my house.
PEGGY That's the same thing you said about the toothbrush.
BUD Look, Dad. I know I'm no psychology major, but could the underlying reason for your
reluctance to buy us an air conditioner be that... you're the cheapest man on the planet?
AL Bud, if I was cheap, would we have all this? Now, I'll hear no more about this. Kelly,
let's play sea monster.
(AL MAKES SCARY SEA MONSTER'S FACE, RAISING HIS ARMS OUT OF THE WATER. KELLY SHRIEKS)
KELLY Aaah! A sea monster! (THEN REALIZES) Dadee. Mom, Dad scared me.
PEGGY He scares us all, honey. Al?
AL (SINGS) OH THE SHARK BITES, WITH HIS TEETH BABE, AND HE KEEPS THEM, PEARLY WHITE...
(AL IS FILLING HIS BELLYBUTTON WITH WATER AND TAPPING IT IN RHYTHM)
PEGGY Look, Al, I'm gonna ask you one more time rationally. Can we have an air conditioner?
AL Peg, as long as I have my pool to frolic in, we don't need an air conditioner. As I was
saying... (SINGS) OH THE SHARK, BABE. WITH HIS TEETH, BITES.
(AS HE HUMS AND SPLASHES, PEGGY MOTIONS THE KIDS TO HER)
PEGGY Kids. It's time.
(THEY NOD. THEY EXIT INTO THE HOUSE)
AL (SINGS) INVITE ALL THE SHARKS. TO A PARTY. THEN THEY'LL KNOW THAT BUNDY'S BACK IN TOWN.
(SEES THEM) Hey.
(WE SEE PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD LOOKING SOLEMN. PEGGY HAS A DAISY .22 RIFLE BB GUN. SHE PUMPS IT.
AL GULPS. SHE AIMS. AND FIRES. WE HEAR POPS AND SEE STREAMS OF WATER)
AL My pool! My pool, Peg!
KELLY Nice shootin', Mom.
PEGGY Not really. I was aiming at Daddy.
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATER
(PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD SIT AT THE TABLE, THEIR HANDS OVER A BOWL OF ICE CUBES)
BUD Mom, can we throw a couple more on?
(PEGGY GETS MORE ICE).
PEGGY (WITH MOUTH FULL OF ICE CUBE) This is the last of them.
KELLY Wait a second. There were four cubes in the tray the last time we checked.
PEGGY (MUFFLED) No. There were three.
BUD She's cube hoggin'. I'll hold her, you get the tongs of life.
(THEY START TO STRUGGLE WITH HER. WE HEAR THE SOUNDS OF AL'S CAR PULL UP)
PEGGY (STILL ICED) It's Daddy.
KELLY Our air conditioner! Oh God, at long last we're all gonna be cool. Even you, Bud, for the
very first time.
BUD Yeah, well, it's a long time since you had a first time for anything.
BUD Don't get too cocky, Kell. Remember, Dad went himself.
KELLY It's just an air conditioner. A moron could get an air conditioner. I could get an air
(THE DOOR OPENS AND AL PUSHES IN A MONSTROUS BLACK BOX ON A DOLLY)
AL Kids, come and help me here. Now I can't see. I can't see. Have you got it?
(NO ONE MOVES)
BUD Yeah, Dad.
AL Alright. Good. Now, easy here. It's heavy. Easy. Here we go.
(IT FALLS OFF THE DOLLY OFF THE STEP)
AL Kids, you okay?
AL Yes, family. Look at it. It's a Kaiser. The pride of WWII Germany. Look at it, kids.
Doesn't it just say "Cool"?
PEGGY Actually, it says "Property of Erwin Rommel". Al, I thought you were going to a discount
store to get one of those Korean ones. You know, with names almost like real products.
Like our "Frigi-Door" refrigirator, our R-C-Hey TV...
AL Or my beauty-fool wife. Kids, what you're looking at is the world famous Kaiser air
cooling blatz. The Jerries swore by these. But more importantly, they were at the
forefront of 1942 technology, (PROUDLY) and now this baby's ours, Peg. This is the best
damn seventeen bucks I ever spent.
PEGGY (IN WONDER) God, I must've loved you once.
AL You don't know what love is till you've been kissed by the cool lips of a Kaiser. Bud,
help me out in the car, I wanna bring in the main part. And then we'll be as cool as
I remember myself in High School.
BUD Gee, Mom. Thanks for the precious gift of life.
(BUD EXITS. PEGGY AND KELLY LOOK AT EACH OTHER)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT
(WE SEE THE KAISER NOW IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM. WE SEE ITS THICK CORDS, WHICH RUN OUT THE
FRONT DOOR. PEGGY WATCHES AL ADJUST THE PLUG TO THE KAISER)
AL (CALLS OUT) Bud? You got it all spliced in?
BUD (O.S.) Yeah, Dad. Right into the city's transformer. Dad, is this legal?
AL No. So don't use any names. Bud, come down now. Kelly, keep the flashlight on till he
gets all the way...
BUD (O.S.) Yeoww!!!
(WE HEAR A THUMP)
KELLY (O.S.) He's down, Daddy.
AL No names. (TO PEGGY) Peg. You want to go upstairs and get some blankets and sweaters?
PEGGY Oh, turn it on, Mongo.
(KELLY AND BUD ENTER. BUD HAS FLOWERS IN HIS HAIR)
AL Nice fall, Bud. Now, we are ready. Peg, would you do the honours please.
(PEGGY SIGHS, KNEELS BESIDE THE KAISER, AND TURNS THE HAND CRANK ON THE KAISER)
AL Easy, Peg. You're not having sex with it.
PEGGY Well, we'll know for sure if it quits after ten seconds and asks what's on TV.
PEGGY You know, this could be you. I don't feel a thing.
AL Just keep cranking.
(THE THING STARTS TO MAKE A HIDEOUS CHUGGING NOISE)
AL There. Listen to that. The satisfying hum of fine German engineering.
(A SLIGHT BREEZE STARTS TO COME OUT. KELLY STANDS IN FRONT OF IT)
KELLY (A BEAT, THEN) Brr. Is it just me or is it getting warmer in here?
AL That's because I've got it on Der Low. Let's turn this up. I'll turn this up to
(AL REACHES FOR AN OMINOUS DIAL ON THE TOP, TURNS IT ALL THE WAY. THE MACHINE STARTS TO SHAKE
AL There. What do you feel now?
AL All right. I'll just ease this baby up to "Der Freezin' My Heinie Off." There, that
oughta shut you up.
(SUDDENLY THERE'S AN ESF FLASH FROM THE MACHINE)
AL It's gonna blow!
(EVERYONE DIVES FOR COVER... AND THE LIGHTS GO OUT)
KELLY (SARCASTICALLY) Brr.
(BUD GOES TO THE DOOR AND LOOKS OUT)
BUD Good news, Dad. It's not just our house.
(THEY ALL JOIN HIM THERE)
PEGGY The whole neighborhood's gone dark.
AL Well, at least they don't know it's our fault.
MAN (O.S.) Bundy did this!
(WE HEAR THE SOUNDS OF A GROWING LYNCH MOB OUTDOORS, O.S.)
LYNCH M Bundy, Bundy, Bundy!
KELLY God, where'd they get the torches and the pitchforks so fast?
AL Shut up, and put your weight against the door. They're coming in.
(THEY BRACE THEMSELVES AGAINST THE DOOR AS IT STARTS TO COME OPEN. HANDS REACH IN. WE SEE A
PEGGY Well, Desert Fox... Well, Desert Fox, where will you lead us now?
AL You fools. You think I only had one plan to get us air conditioning and keep us cool?
Ha. No. Trust me. Air conditioning ye want, air conditioning ye shall have.
INT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT
(THE COLD STORAGE DAIRY SECTION: AL AND PEGGY SIT IN LOUNGE CHAIRS. KELLY AND BUD SIT IN
SMALLER CHAIRS AROUND A LITTLE TABLE PLAYING CARDS. AL TOASTS PEGGY)
AL I wonder what the poor people are doing.
(AL TOSSES THE EMPTY CAN BACK TO THE SHELF)
INT. SUPERMARKET - NIGHT
(THE BUNDYS HAVE MADE THE GROCERY STORE THEIR NEW HOME. A SHOPPING CART IS NEARBY)
AL Did I promise you the good life?
PEGGY Oh, honey. If only everyone could be as happy as we are.
AL Everybody doesn't have me, babe.
(THEY KISS. PEGGY SIGHS AND RELAXES. WE SEE A WOMAN WITH A VERY FULL GROCERY CART WALK BY.
SHE LOOKS BEATEN)
PEGGY (TSKS) That poor woman. You know, it just shows that there can be unhappiness in even a
grand place like... what did you call this place again?
AL Supermarket, Peg.
PEGGY Supermarket. Wow. (LAUGHS) A big building with food. What will they think up next?
(A CHEESE LADY COMES DOWN THE AISLE WITH A SAMPLE TRAY. SHE LEANS OVER TO AL)
LADY Free sample?
AL Why thank you, Cheese Lady.
(AL SEIZES THE TRAY FROM THE CHEESE LADY, PUTS IT IN HIS LAP AND BEGINS EATING)
AL (MIFFED) Listen, if you see the lady with the little tray of weenies, tell her we've been
(THE CHEESE LADY WALKS OFF)
AL My hands are all greasy from eating. Where's Kelly with my damn towel?
(BUD AND KELLY COME DOWN THE AISLE BEARING VARIOUS ITEMS. KELLY WEARS SUNGLASSES WITH A
DANGLING PRICE TAG STILL ON THEM. SHE CARRIES A TOWEL AND A HEAD OF LETTUCE. SHE GIVES AL THE
KELLY Here I am, Daddy.
(KELLY SHOWS AL THE HEAD OF LETTUCE)
KELLY Daddy, what's this?
AL Looks like some kinds of vegetable, honey.
(SHE DROPS IT IN AL's LAP. HE PICKS IT UP, STUDIES IT, THEN WAVES IT BACK AND FORTH IN
A FOOTBALL PASSING GESTURE)
AL Bud, go deep.
(BUD IGNORES AL'S PASS AND WE HEAR THE HEAD OF LETTUCE CRASH AND SHATTER SOMETHING O.S.)
BUD Excuse me, here, family, but as the only one among us who hasn't yet been fingerprinted,
do you actually think no one's gonna notice we're living in aisle four of a
AL Bud, we're your parents. You let us worry about what's right or wrong. Now, you go on
over to aisle twelve and get Dad some slippers. Oh, while you're at it, get Mom some
PEGGY Oh, Al. You remembered my birthday.
(THEY KISS. THE STOCKBOY, BOB, COMES OVER. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT DISCREETLY)
BOB Folks? Excuse me. What are you doing here?
PEGGY (INDIGNANT) What does it look like we're doing here? We're shopping.
(PEGGY TOSSES A RANDOM PACKAGE OF FOOD INTO THEIR CART)
BOB You've been here for four hours.
AL Well, we're conscientious shoppers. Peg, you wanna read me the ingredients in those
(PEGGY PICKS UP A BAG OF CHIPS AND STUDIES IT INTENTLY)
AL (THINKS A BEAT) Nah. It's not quite what I'm looking for.
BOB I may be just a stockboy, but I know the look of a family without an air conditioner. I'm
gonna have to call the manager.
AL (GETTING UP) All right now, wait a second, wait a second there.
(AL SHOOTS PEG A LOOK)
AL You look like a smart young guy, I think maybe I can trust you.
(AL PUTS AN ARM AROUND BOB AND TAKES HIM ASIDE)
AL The name's Bundy, Al Bundy. I'm with the National Supermarket Security Agency.
(AL FLASHES HIS EMPTY HAND AT HIM AS IF HE WERE HOLDING A BADGE)
AL There's been a rash of food-related food thefts in the area. That's what I'm here for.
Bundy. I carry a whistle.
(AL NODS SERIOUSLY, THEN GESTURES TOWARD MRS. GILLIS, AN ELDERLY WOMAN PUSHING A FULL CART)
AL (SOTTO) Now act natural. See that woman over there? Don't look. That's Velvetta Annie.
The notorious blue-haired cheese bandit. I'm on her trail since the Dakotas.
BOB Mrs. Gillis? She's been shopping here for years.
AL (PATIENTLY) Kid, don't you know "Gillis" is the underworld name for cheesebooster?
(BUD CROSSES TO AL HOLDING SLIPPERS. AL SHOOS HIM AWAY)
BOB Are you sure about this, Special Agent Bundy?
AL Yeah. Listen, don't look at her now. I think she's making her move.
(AL PUSHES BOB DOWN AND INSTRUCTS PEGGY TO PUT SOME FOOD IN MRS. GILLIS' PURSE)
AL I think we've got her now. Yeah, the eagle has landed. Now listen, I don't want to make
this bust to blow my cover, so you take it, kid.
BOD (SALUTING) Thank you, Special Agent Bundy.
(BOB SAUNTERS OVER TO GILLIS. HE SEES CHEESE IN HER PURSE)
BOB So, how do you like our cheese, Gillis? Hopefully, as much as your like our JAILS. Come
(BOB GRABS GILLIS AND STARTS HAULING HER AWAY)
GILLIS Bobby, what's come over you?
(AL AND PEGGY LOOK AT EACH OTHER UNEASILY)
GILLIS I was your kindergarten teacher!
(BOB GETS GILLIS IN A HAMMERLOCK AND LEADS HER AWAY)
PEGGY Gee, Al. You think we did the right thing?
AL Well, so an old lady goes to jail. So who gets hurt? This is living, isn't it, Peg?
(BUD WALKS BY ESCORTING TWO GIRLS AS THEY SHOP)
BUTTER Oh, look. Isn't that the family of poor people everyone says is living here?
BUD Isn't it pathetic? (TO AL) Get a job, buddy!
AL Why, you little... (TO PEG) You know, I have half a mind to move us to aisle six and not
KELLY Well, I'm bored. I'm gonna go boost us a radio. Does anyone want anything?
PEGGY Well, how about some plants? Y'know, for ambience.
KELLY How 'bout you, Daddy?
(WE SEE A BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN TIGHT SHORTS WALK BY. SO DOES AL. HE REACHES UP, GETS A PACKAGE OF
FOOD AND TOSSES IT BY THE GIRL'S FEET)
AL Oh, Miss. Excuse me. I think you dropped something.
(NIBBLES BENDS OVER. AL LOOKS ADMIRINGLY)
NIBBLES Thank you, Market Dweller.
(SHE SMILES AND EXITS)
KELLY Do you want anything?
AL Well, yes. I have a strange yearning for some melons.
(MARCY ENTERS WITH A CART FILLED WITH ICE. AL SEES HER)
AL (TO KELLY) And a plucked chicken.
MARCY I thought I smelled shoes. Well, if it isn't the Vanderbundys in their summer home.
PEGGY Hi, Marcy. (INDICATES ICE) Are you having a party?
MARCY Uh, no. Thanks to Al, I and the rest of the block are sweltering to death in our own
AL Are they still mad at me?
MARCY For blacking out the entire neighborhood on the hottest day of the year? Heck, no. In
fact, this has brought us closer together. Why, when we were burning you in effigy, I ran
into people I hadn't seen in years. We sat around. We sang our favorite folk songs like,
"If I Had A Hammer, I'd Drive It Through Al Bundy's Skull".
PEGGY You know, Marcy, we just feel terrible about this whole mess. Don't we, Al?
(AL ROLLS A CAN IN NIBBLES' DIRECTION)
AL (CALLS TO GIRL O.S.) Oh, Miss. I think you dropped your corn.
NIBBLES (O.S.) Oops. Thank you.
AL Thank you.
INT. SUPERMARKET AISLE
(NIBBLES IS SHOPPING. AL STANDS A FEW STEPS BEHIND WITH HIS HANDS IN HIS POCKETS. HE TAKES
SOMETHING FROM A SHELF AND TOSSES IT ON THE FLOOR)
AL Oh, Miss. You dropped your flea fogger.
(NIBBLES BENDS OVER TO PICK IT UP)
NIBBLES Thank you.
AL No, thank you.
(NIBBLES CONTINUES SHOPPING. AL FOLLOWS HER. AFTER A FEW STEPS, HE TOSSES ANOTHER PACKAGE AT
AL Uh, Miss. You dropped your broccoli spears.
NIBBLES Oh. (PICKS PACKAGE UP) Thanks again.
AL Thank you.
(AL FOLLOWS NIBBLES ON. BUD WALKS OVER)
AL Bud, here's something men do. Quick, get me something.
(BUD GIVES AL SOMETHING. AL THROWS IT)
AL Excuse me, Miss. Uh, you dropped your, uh... (LOOKS) Eggs.
(NIBBLES WALKS OVER TO AL AND BUD)
NIBBLES Weren't you the same guy that was rubbing up against me at the bus?
NIBBLES (INDICATES BUD) I meant him.
(BUD HANGS HIS HEAD AND NODS. NIBBLES WALKS OFF. AL HI-FIVES BUD AND TOUSLES HIS HAIR
INT. SUPERMARKET - A SHORT TIME LATER
(WE SEE THE STORE MANAGER TALKING TO BOB AT THE CHECKOUT STAND. THEY STARE IN AL'S DIRECTION)
MANAGER Cheese security?
BOB I saw his credentials. They say he's the best.
MANAGER I don't know. I got my doubts about this guy.
(WE SEE AL -- HE'S NOW POURING A BOX OF COLD CEREAL DIRECTLY INTO HIS MOUTH. BACK TO MANAGER
MANAGER I know I know that face from somewhere... What'd you say his name was?
BOB Bundy. Al Bundy.
MANAGER I'm gonna check him out.
(THE MANAGER STEPS TOWARD AL TO GET A CLOSER LOOK. BEHIND HIM, WE SEE A LARGE BLACK AND WHITE
PHOTO OF AL BUNDY TACKED UP ON A REGISTER BULLETIN BOARD, BENEATH IT THE WORDS, "DO NOT TAKE
CHECKS FROM THIS MAN." AL SEES THE MANAGER APPROACH AND RUNS BACK TO THE FAMILY)
AL (URGENTLY) Yellow alert. Yellow alert.
(EVERYONE SWINGS INTO ACTION, PRETENDING TO SHOP, GRABBING RANDOM NEARBY PRODUCTS AND READING
THE LABELS WITH EXAGGERATED ATTENTION. THE STORE MANAGER WALKS UP)
MANAGER So, you're the dairy spy?
AL Why don't you just announce it to the whole store. You're on report, Buddy. Kelly, get me
(KELLY GETS SOME PENS OFF A DISPLAY)
KELLY Blue or Red?
KELLY Fine point or Husky?
AL Never mind, Pumpkin.
MANAGER Wait a minute... Al Bundy... Of course. You've been dribbling checks all over town.
Listen. Buy something or get out.
AL All rightee. Peg. Checkbook.
MANAGER Cash only, Bundy. And I still want two forms of I.D.
AL You just lost yourself some business, buster. Kids, let's go. We're moving down into the
drug store down the street.
MANAGER Buy something or you'll be moving into the County Jail.
AL All rightee. Family meeting.
AL Kids, you got any money for old Dad?
(THE KIDS GO THROUGH THEIR POCKETS, DEPOSIT A HANDFUL OF CHANGE INTO AL'S OUTSTRETCHED PALM)
AL Eighteen cents. When I said I needed a battery for the Kaiser, you said you didn't have a
PEGGY No, we said we didn't give a damn.
AL Boy, how soon they forget the good times. All right, come on. Let's see what we can buy.
Peg, bring the cart.
(PEGGY CROSSES TO THE SHOPPING CART)
PEGGY How do I work this thing?
AL The same thing you do with me. You just get behind it and you shove.
(THEY GO TO THE CHECKSTAND. MARCY'S THERE, SECOND IN LINE. THE MANAGER LOOKS ON. AL
PROUDLY TAKES A PACK OF GUM FROM THE DISPLAY BACK BY THE REGISTER AND MAKES A SMUG
FACE AT THE MANAGER)
AL Uh, Marce, listen. I've only got a pack of gum. Could I get in front of you?
MARCY Eat hot death.
(AL LOOKS AT THE NEWSPAPER STAND)
AL Oh, the National Enquirer. (PRETENDING TO READ) "Steve Rhoades marries Cher."
MARCY (FRANTICALLY) Where? Where?
(AS MARCY HUNTS THROUGH THE PAPERS, AL PUSHES HER CART OUT OF THE WAY AND STEPS UP TO THE
COUNTER. THE CASHIER RINGS UP THE PURCHASE. A POLICE SIREN BUBBLE ROTATES ATOP THE REGISTER. AL,
PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD ASSUME THE POSITION, HANDS ON HEADS, LEGS APART FOR FRISKING).
CASHIER Congratulations, sir! You're our one millionth customer!
AL Well, what does that mean?
CASHIER You've won a free $1000 supermarket shopping spree.
MARCY Hey, I was the next in line.
AL Well, what are you complaining about? You still are.
(THE FAMILY GATHERS AROUND AL. THEY JUMP HAPPILY)
AL We won! We won!
(NIBBLES JOINS THEM AS MARCY STANDS BY LOOKING DEJECTED. SUPER: "TO BE CONTINUED...")
Modified from the table draft by Nitzan Gilkis
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