0512 (092)


Regular cast:

Ed O'Neill...............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal..............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse............Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate......Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...........Bud Bundy
Buck the dog.............Buck

Ted McGinley.............Jefferson D'Arcy



Al is sitting on the couch between Kelly and Bud, staring into space. 
Kelly and Bud are talking insistently to him. Peg is sitting at the kitchen table 
reading a magazine.
Kelly and Bud talk at the same time

Kelly:  Dad, all my friends are having graduation parties. Why can't I have a Graduation Party? 
        I deserve one.
Bud:    All the other parents are throwing parties for my soccer team. Why can't I
        have a party for my soccer team? 
Kelly:  I graduated didn't I? I want a party, too.
Bud:    My soccer team says you suck! I want a party and I want one now!
K & B:  [together] Money, money, money, money, money!!

Al still staring into space.

Kelly:  Mom, Daddy's gone away again.

Peggy:  Oh, he's just visiting his retirement property.

Kelly:  How are we supposed to know? He's always a veg.

Bud:    Just as well, I'm sick of looking at him anyway.

They go to the kitchen, Peg walks over to Al and sits on the couch.

Peggy:  Honey.

She looks at him, no reply, rolls up her magazine then whacks him on the shoulder.
Al snaps out of it.

Al:     Oh, Peg, not you? I was in a hammock, mourning the anniversary of your passing.

Kelly:  Where were we, Daddy? 

Al:     Well, see kids, it was a dream. You were replaced by 2 six-packs in the refrigerator.

Kelly:  Well, weren't we cold?

Bud:    I was, you were empty.

Peggy:  Oh Al, it's going to take you 20 years to pay off that property. And once
        it's paid off, I'm never going to let you go there. Oh, come on, honey. 
        Take this "How Well Do You Know Your Mate?" quiz.

Al:     Oh, I hate those tests, they're designed to bury men. I'm not playing.

Peggy:  Question one. OK, you have to close your eyes for this one.

Al keeps them open.

Peggy:  What color is my hair?

Al's not sure so he quickly looks at Peg's hair.

Al:     It's red.

Peggy:  Well, good!

She kisses him on the cheek, Al looks disgusted.

Peggy:  Question two. Who would you rather spend the night with? A - your wife, or B -  

Al:     [cutting her off] B.

Marcy comes in wearing a dressing gown.

Marcy:  Peggy, I need some advice. Can we have some privacy?

Bud and Kelly get up from kitchen table and sit with Marcy, Peg and Al.

Bud:    Open up, babe. Tell us what you've got. We're here for you.

Marcy sighs.

Marcy:  Well, I went to a banking seminar this weekend, and I guess the whole
        world knows noone parties like a banker! Anyway, all I know is, I woke 
        up this morning with a man in my bed. I don't even know who he is!

Al:     Well, that's easy. He slept with you, he's the stupidest man on earth.

Peggy:  Al, we're talking about sex. Leave it to those who do it. Now Marcy, this
        is serious. I want you to steady yourself and concentrate. Was he any good?

Marcy:  I don't know! I don't even know what he looks like!

P & K:  Alright!!

Marcy:  Well, when I woke up, his head was buried in the pillow. But I do know one 
        thing. Apparently, I married him. 

Peggy:  You got married?

Al:     Oh, let's not panic. If you married everybody you went to bed with, you'd be
        Mrs. Paper Boy, Mrs. Insurance Man, Mrs. Navy! 

Marcy:  No, idiot, I really married him! Look at this ring! [shows them] And then
        there's this.

She stands up and opens her dressing gown to reveal a shirt. Marcy reads the text on 
the shirt.

Marcy:  "I went to Clyde's - no blood test needed - Wedding Chapel, and all I got was 
        this lousy t-shirt."

The doorbell rings.

Marcy:  Oh my God, it's my husband! Don't tell him I'm here.

Al:     She's here! Come on in!

The handsome new husband, Jefferson, enters.

Jefrsn: I saw a woman come over here. Are one of you my wife?

Looks at Marcy, who looks very apprehensive; then at Peggy, who's gleaming; then at
Kelly, who's twirling gum around her finger.

Jefrsn: All right! [to Kelly] Come on sweetheart, let's go back to bed. 

He takes her hand, Kelly prepares to go with him.

Kelly:  Bye, Daddy!

Peggy:  Uh, no, no, no, no. You've made a mistake. [stands] I'm your wife! Now we
        can go back to bed!

Marcy:  Oh, shut up! [Peg sits, Marcy runs over to Jefferson] It's me! It's me! 

Jefrsn: You? Oh, yeah! I remember you now! You were the one on top of the All-Girl-
        Banker Pyramid. By the way, my name is Jefferson.

Marcy:  I'm Marcy. 

They shake hands.

Al:     Yeah, I'm Al. So now that The Beatles have been reunited, get the hell out
        of here.

Jefrsn: You know, despite our rocky beginning, I've got a really great feeling about our
        marriage. What did you say your name was again? 

Marcy gives him an unsure look, then looks at the Bundys, then looks back at Jefferson, 
gives a half-hearted smile, and goes to Peggy.

Marcy:  Peggy, can I talk to you?

Marcy and Peggy go into the kitchen.

Kelly:  Bud, come here. 

Bud and Kelly huddle together away from the others.

Bud:    We have enough information to tell the neighbors now, don't we?

Kelly:  To SELL the neighbors.

Bud:    [looks at her, disgusted] Do you do nothing for free?

They leave.
In the kitchen, Peggy is putting coffee in cups.

Marcy:  Peggy, I'm worried. I don't know my husband!

Peggy:  Who does, and who wants to? Face it, Marcy. The average man-woman relationship
        has - tops - 3 weeks of happiness. You know, it's the happiness you feel when
        he still turns away from you to burp, rather than turning towards you and
        saying, "Pull my finger". It's when he at least tries to hit the toilet. 
        And when during sex, you're not lying there thinking, "What the hell is he doing?"
        You know, you're lucky. Who cares who he is? Look at him. [they look] He's
        gorgeous! I say, saddle up, ride, and if he breaks a leg, shoot him!

Cross to lounge.

Al:     Now, Jeff, all kidding aside -- run. Run hard, run now, run silent, run deep.
        Run like Mexican water through a first time tourist, but the key word here is:

Jefrsn: Don't you think she's cute, Al?

Al:     RUN.

Back to the kitchen.

Marcy:  It's just that I can hardly believe that I'm now Mrs... [to Jefferson] Darling?
        What's your last name?

Jefrsn: D'Arcy.

Marcy:  Marcy D'Arcy? Marcy D'Arcy?! What have I done? Maybe I should start
        wearing little dresses with dots on them!

Marcy goes into the living room, Jefferson gets up to meet her.

Jefrsn: Oh, now, what's the matter, Marcy?

Marcy:  Well, besides from the fact that I now have the name of a cartoon character,
        I'm married and I don't even remember the wedding!!

Jefrsn: You remember this, don't you?

They start kissing passionately. Peg walks over to them, looking lonely.

Peggy:  Oh Al!

As they kiss, Jefferson picks up Marcy and she kicks her legs around, they moan and groan.

Peggy:  Oh Al!

She runs to sit next to Al.

Peggy:  Oh Al!

Al:     Oh, please, they're two drunks that haven't brushed their teeth yet! [he and Peg
        stand] Now cut that out you two! We don't do that in our house. And I refused to
        let strangers lay their vile customs on our doorstep!

Jefferson and Marcy finally stop kissing.

Marcy:  [dazed] And the Yankees take the field!

Jefrsn: You know what I was just thinking?

Al:     That hangovers do come true?

Jefrsn: No, no, I was thinking, If you and I want to have a wedding to remember let's
        have one! Let's have the grandest wedding we can afford!

Marcy:  Yes, let's! I have $2000 saved.

Jefrsn: OK, and that brings us to a total of, uh... [checks his wallet] $2040!

Al and Peg look at each other mischievously, then they dream: 
Peg comes down the stairs, Al takes her hand, they are dressed up nicely, Al in a tux,
Peg in a nice dress, they sort of 'dance'.
This whole time, money is floating down around them while dreamy music plays.

Marcy:  And we can book a hall...

Al:     Oh, no, you can't book a hall! I won't hear of it! How impersonal. You will have
        your wedding in God's cathedral... our backyard.

Marcy:  Your backyard is Buck's toilet.

Al:     No, your backyard is Buck's toilet. Now, come on, what do you say?

Marcy:  I don't know. You think we can trust them?

Jefrsn: Of course! They look...

Al and Peg are rubbing their hands together, mischievously.

Jefrsn: ... perfectly trustworthy to me and besides, it's a closer trip to the Honeymoon
        suite. Come on, let's pace it off now. 

He takes her hand and leads her out, Marcy smiling, giggling and skipping happily.

Al:     $2000 buys a lot of dreams, hey, babe?
Peg nods, looks into space and dreams about what she'd do with her money.
We hear the Hawaiian chant theme.

Voice:  Oil you up again, Ma'am? I'm sorry your husband fell into that volcano; that he
        couldn't enjoy Hawaii.

Meanwhile, Al is also dreaming. We hear The Andy Griffith Show theme.

Voice:  They sure are biting today, hey, Mr. Bundy? Too bad the wife did a header into 
        that Quarry. She should would've loved your retirement property.
Peggy:  Oh Al!

Al:     Oh Peg!

They embrace.



Al is on the phone, talking. There is noone else in the room.

Al:     Yeah, I want to cater a wedding, I'm expecting about 60 people so I'll need 
        2 pounds of cold cuts... yeah, what's your cheapest price? ... Uh-huh...
        And what kind of animal would that be?... Well, 12 cents a pound's pretty
        steep... Anyway, could you throw in some beaks and claws?... You got a deal!

He hangs up, satisfied. He sits on the couch. 
The doorbell rings and Jefferson enters.

Jefrsn: Hi Al. Hey, did you, did you know there is a little rain cloud that only hangs 
        over your house?

Al:     Yeah, showed up after the kids were born. What can I do for you?

Jefrsn: Ah, listen Al, if Marcy should come by here looking for me, could you tell her
        I went to buy her a gift, okay?

Al:     You're runnin', huh. It's never quite the same when you're sober, is it?

Jefrsn: No, it's not that Al, it's just that I have found a way to tell Marcy that... 
        well, that I have to see my Parole Officer.

Al's smile fades.

Al:     You mean if-there's-only-a-bucket-of-beaks-at-the-wedding-you'll-go-crazy-and-
        start-slashing kind of Parole Officer??

Jefrsn: No, Al, I don't want you to get the wrong idea, I'm not a bad guy, OK?
        I just... I just... well, I stole a bunch of money from people who trusted me,
        that's all.  You're not going to tell anyone, are you, Al? It's not something
        I'm real proud of. Especially since I got caught.

Al:     Well, Jeff, I'll tell you something. Telling Al Bundy is just like telling the

He leads Jefferson to the door.

Jefrsn: Well, thanks Al, I appreciate it.

Al:     That's all right, see ya.

Jefrsn: Right, see ya, buddy.

Al:     Bye.

Jefferson leaves, and Al pauses for a bit.

Al:     Peg! Peg!

Peg enters from the basement.

Al:     [rubbing his hands together] I know a secret!!

Peggy:  [getting anxious] What? What?

Al:     Guess who's been mighty careful not to drop anything in the shower the last
	couple of years?

Peggy:  Who? Who? Don't tell me, don't tell me...

Al:     Charades!!!
Peggy:  Charades!!!

Peg sits on couch, Al stands and for the next 2 minutes we see a classic example of
two people who do not know how to play Charades.

Al:     OK. This is about... [makes hand signal] Our new neighbor... [tugs on his ear]
        ... Jefferson.

Peggy:  [guessing] Jefferson!!!

Al:     Right! [throws his arms in the air] Now, the second part [opens his hands like
        you would a book] ... is about... where he was [makes a 'long' motion] ... before
        he met Marcy [pointing in all different directions] ... OK [rubbing his hands]
        Sounds like [indicates his ear]... 'hissonnnn' [another 'long' motion]

Peggy:  [thinking aloud] Hissonnnn... missonnnnn... kissonnnnn... dissonnnn...

Al:     No! You're not listening to what I'm saying! All right, now try this...
	[makes the 'movie' sign]... What do: Jefferson, Pete Rose and your cousin all
        have in common???

Peggy:  PRISION!!! [stands] Jefferson was in prison!!!

They laugh. 

Peggy:  [delighted] Gee, that's great! Does Marcy know?

Al:     No, No! And we're not going to tell her either! Because then she'll cancel the
	wedding, and I won't get to pay off my retirement property.

Peggy:  Oh, you mean our trip to Hawaii?

Al:     [pretending] Yeah! Well, that's what I meant. [Smiles]

Peggy:  Oh, kiss me you fool!

They kiss.



The Bundy Backyard. 
We see people making out. The guests consist of Bud's soccer team and Kelly's modelling friends, 
and a few bikers.
Al enters from around the back with a vendor box around his neck.

Al:     Rice! Get your wedding rice here! Get your rice!

Peg enters from house, wearing a lei.

Peggy:  Al, honey, what are Bud's soccer team and Kelly's modelling friends doing here
        at the wedding?

Al:     Well, I had to cut a deal with the damn kids. They said they'd spill the beans
        if I didn't give them a party! They blackmailed me, Peg!

Peggy:  This lack of ethics. Where does it come from?

Al:     Well, I blame it on TV, myself!

Peggy:  [whispering furtively] You don't think this is going to cut into our profit, do

Al:     That's why I eliminated some of Marcy's guests.

Marcy comes up from behind Al, looking flustered.

Marcy:  Where's my mother?

Al:     Uh, she won't be here and you should hear this from a friend. She doesn't love
        you anymore.

Marcy:  Well, where's Aunt Mary?

Al:     Mary, Mary... oh, she got snowed in. 

Marcy:  She lives in Phoenix.

Al:     Oh, yeah that was Ida who got snowed in. No, Mary's the one who, uh, died. [to
        everybody] Get your wedding pretzels!

Marcy sighs, and approaches a biker.

Marcy:  Welcome to my wedding, are you a friend of the groom's?

The biker's response is a burp.
Back to Al and Peg.

Peggy:  Al, I think Marcy is getting suspicious. We better get this show on the road,
        and get me to Hawaii. I want to be there for the running of the Samoans. 

Al:     Okie dokie!

Takes off the vendor, and they walk over to a radio & speaker. Al picks up the receiver. 

Peggy:  What's that?

Al:     That's the Reverend. That's Captain Hank. Y'see, a lot of these church-
        affiliated, land-lovin' Reverends want money to perform wedding ceremonies.
        But not old Captain Hank. You give him a bottle of Red Eye and a Playboy, and
        he'll marry your mother to a cow!

They laugh, then Al speaks into radio.

Al:     Retirement Property One to Garbage Scow Toxica, come in!

Radio splotches.

Hank:   Toxica here, Al! We've run into a squall. Let's kick this wedding into gear!

Al:     [stands and announces to everyone] OK, everybody, places! Places everyone!

Peg goes inside as everybody else takes their places.

Marcy:  Where's Reverend Appleby?

Al:     Uh, he had an exorcism in Akron. Let's go! Let's go!!

Kelly steps forward.

Kelly:  Dad, this is the bestest Graduation Party a girl ever had! Thank you!

She steps back.
Marcy frowns at Al.

Al:     She's so dumb, she doesn't even know she's at a wedding.

Marcy:  Are you sure you spent the whole $2000 on the wedding?

Al:     You can look at all this and ask me a question like that? Well, the Bridesmaid's
        in place.

He indicates Buck, who is dressed in a girl's wedding hat, looking cute (and stupid.)

Marcy:  That's not my sister!

Al:     Hey, unlike your sister, at least he cares enough to be here! Now, bring on 
        the orchestra!

Peg enters with her accordion, and starts to playing something, horribly. 
She starts to sing, Al is trying to keep a straight face and go along with the music.

Al:     All right, enough with the music now!

Peg stops playing and looks at Al with a saddened expression.

Al:     Okay, now you two, [Marcy and Jefferson] approach the speaker. [They do]
        Captain Hank, you still there?

Hank:   Yeah, but we're taking on water, here. Now the couple join hands.

Al:     [indicating to Marcy and Jefferson to join hands] They're already joined, Hank!

Hank:   Do you take this woman to be your wife?

Jefrsn: I, I do.

Hank:   I can't hear ya!

Al:     [yelling] He did, Hank!

Hank:   Now the broad. Do you take -

Marcy:  [grabbing the receiver and cutting him off] I would now like to read a poem I
        wrote to my love.
        Jefferson, my sudden love, my love so true. My Shining Knight -

Hank:   [cutting her off] Can't hear ya, hon!

Marcy:  [screaming] I DO!

Hank:   Okay, I now pronounce you, oh, we just hit a speed boat. You're now husband and
        wife... Full astern, let's get outta here!!!
Al just quietly turns the radio off and faces Marcy and Jefferson.

Al:     You may now kiss the bride.

Marcy:  I may now kill the host! This is the worst day of my life! Where are my guests,
        where's the photographer??

Al:     Well, I did better than that, I got you a wedding artist! Bud.

Bud steps forward, looking professional, and holds up a picture of 2 stick figures,
one of which is holding a flower.

Bud:    Copies will take a couple of weeks.

Marcy gives him a stern look, he steps back. She looks like she is about to kill Al.
Jefferson restrains her.

Marcy:  Al Bundy, you will pay for this! You're a cheat, a thief and a liar!!!

Al:     Well, now! Would it make you feel any better if I got you a wedding present?

Marcy:  Well, it's a start.

Al:     Okay... your husband was in prison!

He kisses her on the cheek and walks off. Marcy turns to Jefferson and gives him an 
evil look.

Marcy:  You were in prison? And you didn't tell me?

Al:     Well, I think it's time to go to the airport now. Kids, turn on the sprinklers,
        wedding's over.

They go in the house.



The living room again. Bud is sitting on the couch eating chips. Al comes in.

Al:     Son! You're looking at the official owner of lot 31, right across the highway,
        with a view of Lake [looks at his brochure] Chicamocomico!

Bud:    Cool, Dad. Where's Mom?

Al:     She's at the airport. Uh, but don't worry, she can earn enough to get home, she,
        uh, took her accordion with her. Where's your sister?

Bud:    Oh, she went to Wisconsin with the bikers.

Al:     Okay.

Jefferson comes in.

Jefrsn: Al?

Al:     Hey, Jefferson, where's the blushing bride?

Jefrsn: Well, she's jabbing a fork into the eyes of the little groom that was on top 
        of our Wedding Twinkie.

Al:     Ah, good, good. Now, Son. See these giant Redwood Trees? [points at brochure]
        Over 1000 years old. I'm going to cut me one of these down and use it for the
        base of a satellite dish!

Jefrsn: Listen, Al, I just dropped by to thank you for utterly betraying my trust. It
        was malicious and foul. But I think it'll turn out to be a blessing, I mean, it
        will help to get our relationship off to a honest, healthy, harmonious start.
We hear Marcy yelling from outside


Jefrsn: Ah, you know in prison, I could've had her silenced for 3 cigarettes. Anyway. 

He starts to leave.

Bud:    By the way, Mr. D'Arcy, what were you in for, anyway?

Jefrsn: [sits on couch] Oh, nothing big. Just a scam to sell property around this toxic
        little waste pond called Lake Chicamocomico. [Al and Bud look up, alarmed]
        The place is so contaminated, it won't be safe for habitation 'til the year 5
        million. It hit the news 4 years ago, would you believe it? Some of the truly
        stupid are still sending in payments [laughs, then leaves] Ah, stupid.

He leaves.
Al and Bud ponder about this for a while.

Al:     Well, it beats going to Hawaii with your mother. Ah, what's 5 million years in
        the scheme of the life of one man?

Bud:    Well, Dad, you've always got your dreams.

Al:     Yeah, right.

They start to dream. The Andy Griffith Show theme plays again.
We see black and white footage of Al and Bud in fishing clothes, walking down a road next to 
Lake Chicamocomico. There is a sign that says: "Lake Chicamocomico: If you can read this,
you're already dead." Both Al and Bud have giant rat-like tails. Bud picks up a rock and skims
it across the lake. They continue on their way, then Al's right arm falls off. They laugh, and 
kick it aside. They keep on walking and get to the edge of the lake. They look around, then Al 
grabs Bud's hair and it comes off in his hand. They laugh yet again and put their arms 
around each other. The music ends.



                STEPHANIE SCOTT
             JOHN BICKEL HAUPT
                  ROCHELLE E. STATER
                  LINDA OTA
                  CARMEN HERRERA
                  R. ANNE BACHUS
                  RUTHIE PIPER BARDEE
                  CARL STUDEBAKER	
                  BERT L. COOK
All Rights Reserved
ELP Communications is the author of this film/motion picture for purposes of Article 15(2)
of the Berne Convention and all national giving effect thereto.

Transcribed by Marriedaniac


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