MARRIED WITH ALIENS
Ed O'Neill .............. Al Bundy
Katey Sagal ............. Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse ........... Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate ..... Kelly Bundy
David Faustino .......... Bud Bundy
Buck the Dog ............ Buck
Leonard Lightfoot ....... Oliver
Phil Fondacaro .......... Alien
Debbie Lee Carrington ... Alien
Tony Cox ................ Alien
Patty Malony ............ Alien
Felix Silla ............. Alien
Susie Rossitto .......... Alien
Peg, Kelly and Bud are sitting on the couch, not doing much. Peg is wearing her
BUD Yeah, well, I'm not going.
KELLY Me neither! Daddy doesn't like me driving his car.
PEGGY Well, I'm not going!
BUD [to Peg] He's your husband, you should pick him up.
PEGGY Kids, we have been arguing like this ever since your father called and said
he'd had a bad fall and hurt his head. Now one of us has gotta go get him.
PEGGY Well, I can wait as long as you can!
Al enters in a foul mood and hangs up his coat.
He has a bruise on his head.
PEGGY Hi, honey. We were just deciding who was going to pick you up.
AL Why don't you use the method you used on our wedding day? You know, have a
couple of uncles baseball bat my knees, throw me in the trunk of the car.
Or were they stuck in Wanker County, where as Einstein would put it,
PEGGY You kids see why I didn't want to pick him up?
AL How was I injured, you ask? Well, there I was, sloshing through the mall's
wishing pond looking for change. I spotted a quarter, way far out. Why
can't they just make a wish and drop the quarter, huh? Why they gotta whip
it way out there? Well, I guess they think that dreams really do come true
the closer you get to the drain. Anyhow, this quarter was just within my reach,
when I slipped on some wishing pond slime, and took a header right into the
granite statue of the Goddess of the Malls: Half Off-ious. Kids, you almost
lost your daddy!
KELLY Well, did you get the quarter?
AL No! It was a pull-tab from a beer can.
PEGGY Poor Al. After such a trying night you must be hungry.
AL Yes, Peg, I am hungry. Very hungry.
Peggy just shakes her head at him, smiling.
AL [sarcastically] Well, goodnight!
PEGGY Goodnight, sweetheart.
Al and Peg are in bed.
Peggy is asleep, but Al is awake.
He gets Peg's attention.
AL Peg. Peg!
He nudges her and she wakes up.
AL Peg, I can't sleep. I keep thinking of all those dimes and nickels that I
passed over to get to that beer tab. It's so typical of my life. I was just
this [holds his fingers about an inch apart] close to that quarter... God,
my head hurts.
PEGGY Well honey, maybe next time you'll wear a helmet before you go a-coin
hunting. Now goodnight.
AL You know what would really feel good, a nice icepack.
PEGGY Oh Al. You always do this. You get the slightest little injury and you get
all whiny. Y'know, like last summer when you were changing the tyres and the
car fell on you? Boy, I really got a lot of sleep that night! "I can't feel
my legs! I can't feel my legs!" You are such a baby sometimes! Now just go
to sleep. Some of us feel okay.
Peg pulls the covers over her.
PEGGY Oh, I can't sleep honey. Rub my tushie.
Al gets a baseball mitt from his bedside table and rubs Peg's bottom. She sighs as
she falls asleep, then Al stops rubbing her butt. He punches into the mitt before
AL [to himself] Yep, once a mighty athlete.
As he puts the mitt away, he looks at the window. A horrified look comes over his
face. There is a little green alien leaning on the window sill.
Al can't believe it and he wakes up Peg.
AL Peg, Peg, look, look!
He and Peg turn around and they look at the window. No one is there.
PEGGY There's nothing there, Al. Now go to sleep!
Peg goes back to sleep.
Al cautiously looks at the window again. The little green alien reappears.
Al puts his hands over his face and peeks through them.
Three aliens climb through the window into the bedroom. Al looks even more scared.
The aliens look around until they find Al's dirty socks. They pick them up and
leave happily. Al follows them to the window, peeks out, then wakes up Peg again.
AL [barely audible] Peg, Peg! Peg. [she awakens] Three little green aliens came
in here, they... they stole my sock!
PEGGY Honey, were they green before or after they touched your sock?
AL No, Peg, they stole my sock! It really happened!
PEGGY Al. Sweetheart, you banged your head tonight. You are having a
hallucination. You are probably seriously hurt and need medical attention.
Now go to sleep.
Peg attempts sleeping again and Al cautiously looks out the window.
The three aliens reappear. One of them waves at Al. Al is so scared he huddles
under the covers and shakes with fear right next to Peg. Peg seems turned on by
PEGGY Ooh, baby!
She pulls the covers over her head.
Peg, Kelly and Bud are sitting on the couch again.
PEGGY Well, one of us has got to get Daddy at the doctor.
KELLY Don't look at me, I didn't marry him.
BUD I barely know the man.
Al enters once again in a foul mood, with a bandaid over his bruise.
PEGGY Hi, honey. We were just deciding who was gonna go and pick...
AL Well, don't bother, I'm home. You know, it's funny. After a couple hours I
realised you weren't going to pick me up, so I thought, "Hey, I'm dizzy and
my head hurts, what better time to take the bus?" So after 5 transfers and
a brief jot through gang country where uh, where we stopped briefly so all
the white males could be singled out and beaten, I'm home at last!
PEGGY Did you bring us a TV Guide?
Al hands them the TV Guide and they eagerly look for the Cheers & Jeers section.
AL What did the doctor say, you ask? Well, don't worry. Though it looks bad, it
might have killed me, it's just a painful, nasty bruise. Anybody uh, might
like to see it?
Peg, Kelly and Bud are busy looking at the TV Guide, therefore they don't take any
notice of Al.
KELLY Cheers, jeers! Jeers.
BUD Jeers, cheers!
Al moans and sits on the couch.
AL Anybody call?
Kelly looks up from the TV Guide.
KELLY Yeah! The Loch Ness Monster and Big Foot wanted to know if you're still on
for poker tomorrow night over at Darth Vader's house? The uh, the Klingons
are bringing the chips.
Kelly, Bud and Peg all laugh at Al.
AL Thank you, Peg. Must you tell them everything that goes on in the bedroom?
PEGGY One thing happens in five years and I'm not supposed to talk about it?
Honey, "Coprock"'s on tonight, so we're going to the movies. Come on, kids.
Peg, Kelly and Bud get up and get their coats.
PEGGY We're just going to pick up Marcy. And honey, we may be a little bit late.
It seems the Octopus People have run amok downtown. You know what that does
BUD Uh, Dad, if there's any trouble, blow on this ring. [He gives Al a
ring] The Alien Police will come and save you!
The three of them leave, laughing. Al looks over at Buck who is sitting on the
armchair. Buck goes over to Al and rests himself on Al's leg.
AL What the hell are you looking at? Oh, I guess maybe I didn't really see 'em,
'cause if a great dog like you didn't sense their presence and barked, I
must be going crazy.
Al hears somebody fiddling with the front door. He looks at it in fright.
6 green aliens come in with ray guns and other alien equipment.
Some of the aliens measure Al's head.
AL [to himself] Oh, this is OK! See, I... I've had a, a head injury... you're
not really here. Nope... I don't see any, anyone at all.
He blows on the ring.
With the help of a ray gun, the aliens find the washing basket filled with dirty
washing near the kitchen table. They all rummage through it making alien noises and
find all of Al's dirty socks. They hold them excitedly and then run out. One alien
stops on his way to pat Al on the head. Al reacts and the alien leaves with the
door shutting behind him.
Al is breathing heavily and he talks worriedly into the ring.
AL Help me! Mm-moon men have my socks. Over.
He blows on the ring twice.
Peggy, Kelly, Bud and Marcy enter an empty living room.
PEGGY Al! Al! Well, 'guess he's not home.
MARCY Well, he couldn't be far. The stench of failure is still in the air.
Peggy opens the closet to put her coat away and finds Al huddled in the closet,
holding a baseball bat.
PEGGY Kids, I think you better go upstairs and pack a bag. Father may be "going
KELLY I just know he's going to linger on and eat away at our savings.
Bud and Kelly go upstairs.
Peggy helps Al gingerly out of the closet.
PEGGY Come on out of there, sweetheart, come on.
Al takes Peggy's hand and she helps him out. As soon as he steps beyond the door,
Marcy shouts at him.
Al recoils in fright and returns to the closet, closing the door behind him.
PEGGY Well, now look what you've done!
MARCY Oh, he sells shoes, what's the difference?
Peggy helps Al out of the closet once more.
PEGGY Come on, sweetheart. Marcy just did that because she loves you.
MARCY No, I did it because he calls me "Sergeant Carter hair".
Peggy escorts Al to the couch and the three of them sit.
PEGGY Come on, honey. Come on over here and sit on the couch. Tell us what
AL Well... you'll laugh at me.
PEGGY We won't laugh at you.
AL Well, the Moon Men came back and took my socks!
Peggy and Marcy burst out laughing.
MARCY Isn't it funny how UFOs always visit idiots? Well, I guess they went up to
their last idiot and said "Take us to your leader".
AL Look, you gotta believe me. [very quickly] They came in here and took the
socks off my feet, then they measured my head, then they went through the
laundry basket and took the socks out of there. Does that sound like the
ramblings of an idiot!???
Ask Buck, he was here!
Buck is sitting on his armchair, looking somewhat shocked.
PEGGY Ask Buck? OK. [she leans towards Buck] Uh, Buck, honey, why don't you tell
us what you and Daddy saw. [pause] Uh-huh. [pause] Uh-huh.
[to Al] Well, he says he can vouch for five aliens but you know he's
nothing without his calculator.
MARCY We're sorry, Al. We shouldn't have doubted you. You know, UFO Digest is
pledged to pay one million dollars to anyone with real proof of aliens
having visited. And with your dog's testimony and your standing in the
community, why that million is as good as yours!
Marcy and Peggy laugh at Al again.
AL Alright, laugh if you will, but answer me this: If there weren't any aliens,
how do you explain these??
Al puts his bare feet up on the table.
PEGGY Well, if we were in Russia I'd say "Chernobyl."
The camera pans across a long line of new socks trailing from the window to
Peggy's side of the bed, where Al is sitting poised with a camera. Peggy is
sitting up in bed.
PEGGY Al... Honey, when you fell into that pond, just exactly how long were you
AL Peg, haven't you learned yet that nothing reveals itself in this bedroom
when you're talking?
PEGGY You know, Honey, you've been sitting there for three hours doing nothing.
If you're going to do that, why don't you get a job at the Post Office?
Al gives her a look.
AL [to himself] Come on boys, get me outta here.
The bedroom, now much later.
The camera again pans along the trail of socks, with Al at the end of it in the
same position, only asleep this time. Peggy is also asleep, with her feet propped
up on Al's back. She pushes him off.
PEGGY [in her sleep] Get off me, Buck!
Al falls to the ground and wakes up. The camera flash goes off.
Al decides to go to bed properly.
AL Ah, they're not coming. I give up.
He takes off his socks and relaxes down onto his bed.
A moment later, the aliens arrive and immediately pick up Al's dirty socks.
Al quickly sits up again.
AL They have to be used, huh? [The aliens nod] Of course, the other ones were
new! You, uh, you guys mind if I take your picture?
The aliens eagerly pose for a group shot. Al takes a picture.
AL Saaaaayyy "millions"!
A series of photos with Al and the aliens:
- A group shot with Al in the centre
- A group shot with Al and the aliens with their hands down their pants
- Two aliens standing by Peggy, holding their noses
- Al striking his touchdown pose
- Singing "Cumbaya, My Lord"
- An alien sitting on the bed next to a still-sleeping Peggy, smoking a
cigarette. Peggy has a smile on her face.
- A group shot after a "Whoa, Alien!"
Al takes one last picture of the aliens in the window, who are now about to leave.
AL Guys, just one more thing. You sure you don't want the redhead for your
The aliens shake their heads.
AL I don't blame ya. Well, [he makes the Vulcan sign] Live long and prosper.
I know I will!
He waves goodbye to the aliens and they leave. A delighted Al jumps on the bed.
AL I'm rich! Aha! I'm going to hit the millions!
Peggy wakes up.
PEGGY Did the aliens come, honey?
AL Uhm... No.
PEGGY Well, you woke me up. Rub my tushie.
Al tosses her the baseball mitt.
AL Rub it yourself!
The Photorama store.
Al enters the store wearing a white suit with a Hawaiian shirt, and carrying a
briefcase. He is singing a variation of the Banana Boat Song.
AL [Singing] Day O! Daaaayyy O! Pictures come and I never go home. Pictures
come and I never go home. [He rings the bell in time with his singing] One
blonde, two blondes, three blondes - Ahh! Pictures come and I never go
He keeps ringing the bell until the clerk, Oliver, comes out from the back.
OLIVER Hey, Mr. Tallyman! We don't need the whole song. May I help you?
AL Give me my pictures. I've got planes to catch, cars to buy and families to
AL Bundy. But it'll soon change. [He gives Oliver a ticket] Gimme my pictures!
OLIVER [Looking through some photos] Bundy, Bundy... Is that Al Bundy, 36 exposure,
AL Yes, yes!
Al's delight vanishes.
OLIVER You know, this has only happened one other time since we've been at this
AL What happened?
OLIVER Well, do you know anything about film developing?
OLIVER Well, neither do we. But, we learn as we go. Today we learned that when the
machine jams, you don't use a flashlight around negatives. Were they
Al looks broken hearted. He then makes a threatening face.
Back at the Bundy house, Al and Peggy are sitting on the couch.
PEGGY When's your court date, Al?
PEGGY Congratulations. It's not everyday a Bundy gets arrested for assaulting a
Photorama clerk. 'Course, you were in the right. I mean, he did lose your
photos of those little green guys.
AL That's right, play with the piranha.
PEGGY Honey, I'm gonna go see your lawyer. He may not realise that a previous Judge
already declared you legally stupid. It may help your defence.
Al looks at Buck.
AL What are you looking at? You know they were real, you were here. If you could
talk you'd back me up, wouldn't ya?
BUCK Yeah, right. Mad men they lock up. Mad dogs they shoot.
The six aliens enter through the font door.
AL Of course. You guys came to see the pictures, didn't ya? [The aliens all nod
eagerly] Well, the Photorama guy lost them. [The aliens throw their hands up
in the air, then pose for another picture] Oh, nah, nah, no more pictures.
Nah, I broke my camera over some guy's head. Guys, there's something you
gotta know about me. Even if I took more pictures of ya, it wouldn't come
out right. Everything I do is wrong. [The aliens all gather around Al on the
couch and console him] Nothing I do seems to matter. I don't know, I try,
but... seems like Al Bundy wasn't meant to count.
Al puts his feet up on the table.
The aliens eye his socks with interest.
AL You want my socks? [The aliens take off his socks] Would you guys mind
coming on Geraldo with me? [The aliens point to their watches and then at
the sky] Gotta go, huh? I understand.
The aliens start to leave.
AL Oh guys, just one more thing. Why my socks?
Text on screen: "FUEL"
Al [Making the Vulcan sing] Mizzoozoo.
The aliens leave.
Space music is heard and then a Star Wars-like slab of text scrolls across the
black screen as a voice announces:
Long ago, in the galaxy
Euryops, a great,
menacing comet was
born. Colossal in size,
deadly in trajectory,
it hurtled unstoppable
through the Universe,
on a collision course
with many inhabited
planets. Among the
doomed was a small
green world called
Earth. But on planet
Philydion they still
sing songs of the man
who made it possible
for the comet to
The man who saved
Earth and a hundred
worlds, by providing
fuel for the ships
which diverted the
comet. And that
We see Al sitting on the couch.
VOICE ... Al Bundy.
Al rubs his armpit, picks his ear, then looks at his finger.
All the while, the music continues to play.
PRODUCER Kevin Curran
SUPERVISING PRODUCER Ellen L. Fogle
SUPERVISING PRODUCER Ralph R. Farqhar
CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Katherine Green
CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Arthur Silver
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS Ron Leavitt and Michael G. Moye
DIRECTED BY Gerry Cohen
WRITTEN BY Ellen L. Fogle
CREATED BY Michael G. Moye and Ron Leavitt
PRODUCED BY Barbara Blachut Cramer
CASTING BY Tammara Billik, C.S.A.
CASTING ASSOCIATE Steven Craig
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING Rick Jacobs
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS BY Sammy Cahn and Jimmy Van Heusen
MUSIC SUPERVISION Michael Andreas
ART DIRECTOR Richard Improta
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR Sam W. Orender
STAGE MANAGERS Richard Draney, Stephanie Scott
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE Kitty Rourke
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR Susan Jang
EDITED BY Larry Harris
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR Tom Conkright
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY Thomas W. Markle
AUDIO J. Mark King
RE-RECORDING Marti D. Humphrey, John Bicklehaupt
PRODUCTION STAFF Gabrielle Topping, Rochelle E. Staten, Linda Ota,
Carmen Herrera R. Anne Bacchus, Ruthie Piper
Hardie, Carl Studebaker, Bert L. Cook
COSTUMES Marti M. Squyers
PROPERTY MASTER Michael Semon
MAKE-UP Nina Kent
HAIR STYLIST Dottie McQuown
DOG TRAINER Steven Ritt
PRODUCTION SUPERVISED BY Deborah Curtan
PRODUCTION CONSULTANT Jeanie Bradley
COPYRIGHT (C) 1990
All Rights Reserved
ELP Communications is the author of this film/motion picture for purposes of
Article 15(2) of the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effect thereto.
IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION Ed Lammi
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT production
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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