FINAL DRAFT SCRIPT:
MARRIED WITH ALIENS
Ed O'Neill .............. Al Bundy
Katey Sagal ............. Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse ........... Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate ..... Kelly Bundy
David Faustino .......... Bud Bundy
Buck the Dog ............ Buck
Leonard Lightfoot ....... Oliver
Phil Fondacaro .......... Alien
Debbie Lee Carrington ... Alien
Tony Cox ................ Alien
Patty Malony ............ Alien
Felix Silla ............. Alien
Susie Rossitto .......... Alien
Male Voice .............. Larry McKay
Buck's voice ............ Kevin Curran
Peg, Kelly and Bud sit on the couch. Peggy wears a nightgown and robe.
BUD Well, I'm not gonna go.
KELLY Me neither. Daddy doesn't like me driving his car.
PEGGY Well, I'm not gonna go.
BUD He's your husband. You go pick him up.
PEGGY Kids, we have been arguing like this ever since your daddy called to say he'd
taken a bad fall and hurt his head. One of us has to go get him. There's only
one way to settle this. Once, twice, three, shoot!
Kelly and Bud put out two fingers, Peggy puts out one.
PEGGY [Quickly] Two out of three, two out of three. Once, twice, three...
Al enters, wearing a winter coat. He has a bump on his temple.
PEGGY Hi, honey. We were just deciding who was going to get you.
AL Why not use the method you used on our wedding day? Y'know, have a couple of
your Uncles baseball bat my knees and throw me in the trunk of their car.
Or were they stuck in Wanker County, where, as Einstein would have put it,
PEGGY See why I didn't want to go pick him up, kids?
Kelly and Bud nod, understanding.
AL How was I injured, you ask? Well, there I was, wading through the Mall's
Wishing Pond for change. I saw a quarter, way far out. People can't just
the quarter and make a wish. No, they've gotta whip it out there. I guess they
think dreams do come true when you get closer to the drain. Well, that quarter
was just within my reach, when I slipped on some Wishing Pond Slime, and did a
header into the granite statue of the Goddess of the Malls, Half-ofious. Kids,
you almost lost your daddy!
KELLY Did you get the quarter, Daddy?
AL No! It turned out to be a pull-tab from a beer. Who the hell would throw a
beer tab in a wishing well?
Kelly looks guilty.
KELLY [Defensive] How would I know?
PEGGY [Concerned] Poor Al. After such a trying night you must be hungry.
AL Thanks, Peg, I am hungry. Very hungry. [They stare at him] Well, goodnight.
PEGGY Goodnight, honey.
Al starts up the stairs. He holds his head and exits woozily.
BUD Mom, I'm worried. What if Dad was lying about the beer tab and he really did
get the quarter?
PEGGY We'll know soon enough. With a head injury like that, he can't be conscious
Peggy is fast asleep, Al's wide awake.
AL [Poking her awake] Peg. Peg. I can't sleep. I keep thinking of all
those dimes and nickels I passed up just to get a stupid beer tab. It's so
typical of my life. Always this close [holds up two fingers close together]
to the quarter. God my head hurts.
PEGGY Well, maybe you'll have the sense to wear a helmet the next time you go
a-coinin. Goodnight honey.
AL You know what would make me feel better? a nice icepack.
PEGGY Al, you always do this. One little injury and you get all whiny. Like last
summer when you were changing a tire and the car fell on you. Boy, I got a lot
of sleep that night. "I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs." You are
such a baby sometimes. Now go to sleep. Some of us feel okay. [Beat,
Honey, rub my tushie so I can go to sleep.
Al sighs, reaches under the bed and gets out a baseball glove. He puts it on, and
rolls it over her behind. In a few beats, she's out cold.
Al sighs and takes off the glove.
AL [Sadly] Yep, once a mighty athlete.
He puts the glove away, then
EFX: A FLASH OF LIGHT
AL Peg, Peg. Did you see that?
She's asleep. Suddenly, a head appears in the bedroom window.
Al grabs Peggy's head, turning her face toward the window.
Peggy tiredly looks, but the head is gone.
PEGGY There's nothing there. Go to sleep, Al.
She rolls over, goes back to sleep. A head appears in the window again. Then, another
head. The aliens start crawling in the window. Al stares, frozen with fear. He mouths
"Peg", but no words come.
They walk over to Al's shoes and socks on the floor. They take one of his socks, and
leave. A beat, then Al rushes to the window. He looks out, then rushes to Peggy.
AL Peg! Peg! Wake up. Three little green aliens took one of my sock!
PEGGY [Not looking up] Were they green before or after they touched your socks, Al?
AL No really. They took my sock. It really happened.
PEGGY Al, you banged your head tonight. It must have been a hallucination. You're
probably seriously hurt and need medical attention. Now go to sleep.
She rolls over. Al shrugs, and sighs. Suddenly, one, two, then three green heads
appear in the window. the third head appears in the top of the window peering in
upside down, they wave. Al looks panicked and dives under the covers.
A beat, then Peggy looks up, smiling.
PEGGY Oh, baby.
She goes under the covers. Al whimpers.
Peg, Kelly and Bud are sitting in the living room.
PEGGY Well, someone has to pick Daddy up at the doctor. [The kids look away] Okay.
Once, twice, three...
AL Don't bother. I'm home. Y'know, it's funny. After a couple of hours I realized
you weren't gonna pick me up. So I decided, hey, my head hurts. And I'm dizzy.
What better time to take the bus? So, five transfers later, and a quick jaunt
through gang country where we stopped briefly, so that all the white males
could be singled out and beaten, I'm home at last.
PEGGY Did you remember to bring home a TV Guide?
He sighs and pulls one out. Peggy, Kelly and Bud grab it and pore through it.
AL What did the doctor say, you ask? Well, don't worry. Though it looks
and might have killed me, it's just a nasty, painful bruise. I just need some
rest. [Al sits on the couch] Anybody call?
KELLY Yes. The Loch Ness Monster called. He and Big Foot wanted to know if you're
still on for poker tomorrow over at Darth Vader's. The Klingons are bringing
They laugh at Al.
AL Oh, thank you, Peg. Must you tell them everything that happens in the bedroom?
PEGGY One thing happens in five years and I'm not supposed to talk about it? Well,
we're going to the movies. Come on, kids, we have to pick up Marcy. We might
be a little late, honey. I hear the Octopus People are running amuck downtown,
and you know what that does to traffic.
Bud hands Al a ring.
BUD If there's any trouble, blow on this. The Alien Police will come save you.
They laugh and exit.
Al sighs, kicks off his shoes and props his feet on the coffee table. He sees Buck
staring at him.
AL What are you looking at? Ah, maybe I didn't see 'em. After all, if a great dog
like you didn't sense their presence and bark, I must be going crazy.
Al turns on the TV with the remote. There is static.
SFX: TV STATIC
AL What the hell's wrong with the TV?
The door opens. Six small green aliens walk in. Al reacts. They carry geiger
counter-like tools, and one has a forked rod that leads it around the room.
AL Hey. It's okay with me. I have a head injury, and you're not really there.
Two aliens concentrate on Al, measuring his head, his nose.
AL Nope. I don't see anybody.
Then they take his socks off his feet. Al blows the ring that bud gave him. He looks
pathetic. The alien with the forked rod is drawn to the laundry bag near the kitchen
counter. All six congregate and pull out many of Al's socks. The aliens join hands
and dance in a circle, making glee noises. Carrying socks, they exit. One pauses to
pat Buck. The he pats Al on the head and exits. The TV goes on.
SFX: TV PROGRAM
AL [Into ring] Help me. The moon men have my socks. [Beat] Over.
On his worried look, we:
The living room is empty. Peggy, Kelly, Bud and Marcy enter.
PEGGY Al? Al? I guess he's not home.
MARCY He couldn't be far. The stench of failure is still in the air.
Peggy opens the closet to hang up her coat. We see Al, huddled in the closet,
clutching a baseball bat. With one hand he gives Spock's Vulcan sign.
PEGGY Hi, honey.
AL Take my socks and go in peace.
PEGGY Kids, go upstairs and pack Daddy's bags. He may be going "away" for a while.
Bud and Kelly head upstairs.
KELLY I just know he's going to linger on and eat away at our savings.
BUD Don't worry, Kel. We can just get a pillow and pull a Cuckoo's Nest on him.
PEGGY [Soothing] Come on out, honey.
He hesitantly starts out.
He jumps back in the closet and slams the door.
PEGGY Now look what you've done.
MARCY Oh, he sells shoes. What's the difference?
Peggy opens the closet door. Al is a quivering mass of terror.
PEGGY Come on, sweetie. Marcy only did that because she loves you.
MARCY No, I did it because he calls me Sergeant Carter hair.
PEGGY Shh. Now come on, honey. [He comes out] Good boy. Now sit on the couch and
tell us what happened.
AL You'll laugh at me.
PEGGY We won't laugh.
AL The aliens came back and took my socks.
Peggy and Marcy laugh at him.
MARCY Isn't it funny how UFOs always visit idiots? Well, I guess they went up to the
last idiot and said "Take us to your leader."
She points at him and laughs.
AL Look. You gotta believe me. They walked in, took the socks off my feet,
measured my head, and took the socks out of the laundry basket. Does that
sound like the ramblings of an idiot? Ask Buck, he was here.
PEGGY "Ask Buck?" okay... [Kneels by Buck] Come on now, Buck. Tell us what you and
daddy saw. [Buck stares] Uh-huh... Uh-huh... good boy. Well, he says he can
vouch for five aliens. But you know he's nothing without his calculator.
MARCY We're sorry, Al. We shouldn't have doubted you. You know, "UFO Digest" is
pledged to pay one million dollars to anyone with real proof of aliens having
visited. And with your dog's testimony and your standing in the community,
that million is as good as yours.
Peggy and Marcy laugh.
AL Laugh if you will, but answer me this. If there weren't any aliens, how do you
He holds up his feet.
PEGGY Well, if we were in Russia, I'd say "Chernobyl."
AL Okay, fine. You're officially out. I'm writing it down. No millions for Peggy.
Anyone else got any lip? Good. Now, alert the media, for I, Al, hands across
the universe Bundy, will prove that somewhere out there are six little green
men planning to take over the Earth with my socks.
PEGGY Well, thank God the Earth still has your underwear as a final line of defence.
He sneers at her.
END OF ACT ONE
Bundy bedroom - later that night.
We follow a "sock trail" laid from the window, over to around the corner of the bed.
There, Al crouches, camera in hand. Peggy sits up in bed and watches him.
PEGGY Al, when you fell in the pond, exactly how long were you underwater?
AL Peg, haven't you learned by now that nothing reveals itself in our bedroom
while you're talking?
PEGGY Al, you've been sitting there for three hours doing nothing. If you're gonna
keep doing that, you might as well get a job at the post office. You don't
mind if I sleep, do you?
AL I don't mind if you never wake up.
PEGGY Y'know, honey, there may be a more logical explanation to all this. What you
saw might have been an angel, taking your socks off to heaven. Just hope they
can't talk, or know where you'll be going. Goodnight, sweetheart.
AL Goodbye, Peg.
Bundy bedroom - later.
Peggy is asleep. The sock trail's all still there, and Al is still waiting.
He starts to nod off, then wakes himself.
AL Nothing. I give up.
Wearily, he gets ready for bed, pulling off his shoes and socks.
Instantly, the aliens are there. They crawl in through the window.
The aliens take his worn socks.
AL Have to be "used", huh? Of course! The others were new!
Al starts snapping photos of them.
WE GO TO A MONTAGE
1. Al takes a picture of aliens holding up socks.
2. An alien takes a picture of Al with other aliens on his knees.
3. They take a "team" picture, some on their knees, some behind.
4. Phil and Debbie point at Peggy holding their nose. Sue takes picture.
5. Everyone does a "Whoa, Alien" in succession. Sue takes picture.
6. One takes a picture of Al who takes a football quarterback pose.
7. One is on the bed next to Peggy. He holds an after sex cigarette.
8. They sit in a semi-circle. T.C. holds a guitar. Sue takes picture.
AL Thanks, guys. Before you go, you sure you don't want the redhead here for your
They shake their heads "No".
AL Ah, I don't blame you. Well, live long and prosper. I know I will.
They leave. Al kisses the camera, and jumps up on the bed. He dances gleefully.
AL I'm rich! I'm gonna get the million dollars.
PEGGY [Half wakes up. Sarcastic] Did the aliens come, honey?
AL Uh... No.
He hugs the camera.
PEGGY Well, you woke me up. Rub my tushy, honey.
Al tosses her the baseball glove.
AL Rub it yourself.
He cha-chas out of the room with his camera.
"Photorama" store - the next day.
All around the counter are signs saying "We make memories", "we care... deeply", "Our
mission: your pictures", "Gosh, we care"
AL [O.S.] [Sings] Day-O! Day ay ay O!
Al enters. He carries a suitcase. He wears a white suit, no shirt, a panama hat, and
AL [Sings] Pictures come and I never go home. [He rings the bell] One blonde, two
blondes, three blondes, Uhh! Pictures come and I never go home.
A man, Oliver, enters from the back room. He wears an orange uniform and a big smile.
He puts his hand over Al's hand to quiet the bell.
OLIVER Hey, Mr Tallyman. We don't need the whole song. May I help you?
AL I want my pictures. I've got cars to buy, planes to catch, families to leave.
AL Bundy. But it'll soon change. Give me my pictures.
Al paces excitedly as Oliver looks through the file.
OLIVER Bundy, Bundy. Is that Al Bundy? Thirty-six exposure, sixteen hundred ISO?
AL Yes. yes.
OLIVER Y' know, this has only happened one other time since we've been at this
AL What happened?
OLIVER Well, do you know anything about film developing?
OLIVER Well, neither do we. But we learn as we go. Today we learned that when the
machine jams, you don't use a flashlight around negatives. But, it could have
OLIVER Could have been mine.
Al grabs him.
AL Look. Those pictures are very important to me and my future. And your future.
Tell me, there's something, anything you can do.
OLIVER [Smiling, reassuring] There is. [Picks up Al's little picture-ticket] Because
you saved your receipt. So we will happily replace your lost film with a shiny
new roll. Sound good?
He hands Al a new roll of film.
Al sits on the couch, just staring. Peggy sits next to him.
PEGGY When's your court date, Al?
AL [Continues staring] Next Thursday.
PEGGY Congratulations. It's not everyday a Bundy gets arrested for assaulting a
Photorama clerk. Of course, "Right" was on your side. After all, he did lose
your photos of little green guys.
AL That's right. Play with the Piranha.
PEGGY Well, honey. I'm going to see your lawyer. He may not know that a previous
Judge already declared you legally stupid. It may help with your defence.
Al sighs, looking over at Buck.
AL What are you looking at? They were real. You saw 'em. If you could talk you'd
back me up, wouldn't you?
BUCK [V.O.] Yeah, right. Mad men they lock up. Mad dogs they shoot.
The door opens. The aliens enter.
AL Of course. [They crowd around Al] You guys came to see the pictures, didn't
you? [The aliens all nod eagerly] Well, the Photorama guy lost the film. [The
aliens shrug, making understanding noises. A couple shake their heads in
remembered similar fashion. Then, they gather into a group pose] Nah, no more
photos. I smashed my camera on some guy's head. See guys, there's something
you have to know about me. Even if I took your pictures again, something would
go wrong. Nothing ever goes right for me. Nothing I do matters. I try, but Al
Bundy just wasn't meant to count.
The aliens put their hands up in a "why me" gesture. They pat his head tenderly. Two
nestle their heads on his shoulder. He nods, appreciating. Then they turn and stare
at his socks.
AL Want my socks? [The aliens bounce in place. Al takes his shoes, then socks,
off] You guys wouldn't mind coming on Geraldo with me, would you? [The aliens
reluctantly point first at their wrists where watches would be, then, up to
the sky] Gotta go, huh? I understand.
The aliens start to go. Al raises a hand to detain them.
AL Tell me just one thing. Why my socks?
The aliens are willing. They hold up Al's socks and say
Al looks at them, of course not comprehending. Nods philosophically.
Then he gives them the Vulcan sign.
The aliens leave.
Aliens are exiting, waving. Al waves back. When the door shuts, he nods sadly, and
picks up the remote, blankly changing channels.
STOCK FOOTAGE: "Star Wars" style shot of a starry night sky
MUSIC: Heroic instrumental
Music lowers as a dramatic male V.O. begins, as the following is also being supered a
la "Star Wars".
Long ago, in the galaxy
Euryops, a great,
menacing comet was
born. Colossal in size,
deadly in trajectory,
it hurtled unstoppable
through the Universe,
on a collision course
with many inhabited
planets. Among the
doomed was a small
green world called
Earth. But on planet
Philydion they still
sing songs of the man
who made it possible
for the comet to
The man who saved
Earth and a hundred
worlds, by providing
fuel for the ships
which diverted the
comet. And that
As moments before when we left him, Al sits dejectedly staring at the TV and flipping
channels on the remote.
MALE [V.O.] ... Al Bundy!!
MUSIC CUE: Heroic music swells
Al sighs, scratches an armpit, flips a channel.
END OF ACT TWO
PRODUCER Kevin Curran
SUPERVISING PRODUCER Ellen L. Fogle
SUPERVISING PRODUCER Ralph R. Farqhar
CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Katherine Green
CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER Arthur Silver
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS Ron Leavitt and Michael G. Moye
DIRECTED BY Gerry Cohen
WRITTEN BY Ellen L. Fogle
CREATED BY Michael G. Moye and Ron Leavitt
PRODUCED BY Barbara Blachut Cramer
Scribed by Marriedaniac
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