0502 (081)


Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peggy Bundy................Katey Sagal
Marcy Rhoades..............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Buck.......................Buck the Dog

Guest Cast:

Gerry......................Eric Menyuk
Kitty......................Marla Fries
Motorist #1................Frank Lloyd
Motorist #2................Gita Isak
Motorist #3................Eddie Rio



 The camera is zoomed in on a radio receiver that's sitting on the counter in the Bundys'

RADIO   Hey Chicago, what a day for a daydream. Show me an unhappy man today and I'll show 
        you a -

 Al smashes the radio to pieces with a baseball bat and the transmission is abruptly cut off.

AL      - a shoe salesman, Jim. 20th Century blacksmith. A working man. An idiot. I'll feel
        better after I have a nice cup of coffee.

 Al tries to pour some coffee from the kettle into the mug he's holding, but all that comes
 out are a few blobs of thick brown fluid. Al puts the kettle down, sits at the kitchen table 
 and starts eating what is in the mug with his fingers. 

AL      [with sarcasm] Life is good.

 Peg comes in holding a copy of TV Guide.

PEG     Hi honey. [chuckles] Did you miss me?

AL      With every bullet so far.

 Peg joins Al at the kitchen table.

PEG     Well, maybe you need a bigger gun, sweetheart. Not that I don't love your itty-bitty

AL      What gotcha up before noon, Peg?

PEG     Oh, a foul, evil wind. You were snoring through your nose, mouth and ears. But I 
        forgive you. [excitedly] Because today is the day the new fall preview issue of TV 
        Guide comes out! Oh, look at it, Al. It's still warm! 

AL      Well, pass it over my coffee.

PEG     Are you so jaded that even the new TV season doesn't get you going? I mean, look at 
        these new shows. [reading from the TV Guide] "Everything's Coming Up Maggie": high 
        jinks ensue when Maggie - Chastity Bono - accidentally becomes vice president of the
        United States. Saturdays. Ooh, and look: "We Are Fami-lee": a Chinese family with 
        three children. Oh-ho-ho, I get it! "We are fami-LEE"!

 Peg laughs hysterically. Al forces a short smile, then starts rubbing his temples.

AL      [with despair] Ah, gee.

 Kelly comes in, holding a large yellow envelope.

KELLY   [excitedly] It's here! It's here!

 Kelly runs over to Al and Peg.

KELLY   [proudly] My high-school diploma. I couldn't wait for the mailman to come so I just 
        took it out of his truck.

 Kelly takes a diploma out of the envelope.

KELLY   I am a high-school graduate. 

 Kelly examines the diploma for a short while, than gives it to Peg.

KELLY   [very excitedly] Read it to me, Mom. What does it say? What does it say?

PEG     Oh, Al, isn't this exciting?

AL      Oh, leave me alone!

 Bud comes down the stairs.

BUD     [trying to act cool] Good morning, everybody. Any chicks call for me this morning?

KELLY   Yeah, the Malasyian mail-order bride company called. No takers. Apparently even poor
        hungry women from the third world think they can do better.

BUD     Yuck it up, future welfare mother. The babes will be calling a-plenty soon. I'm a 
        senior now. A mover. A shaker. I'm the man. I've got the juice. Yep, when I was a
        freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore, they flushed 
        my head down the toilet. When I was a junior I was getting cool, so they let me flush 
        it myself. But now I'm a senior, and ready to rule. This year he's back, he's cool, 
        he's dry. 

 Bud joins the rest of the family at the kitchen table.

KELLY   Until he goes to sleep.

 Peg takes Al's hand.

PEG     Oh, Al. Our little man.

 Al shakes his hand free.

AL      Go away.

 Marcy comes in.

MARCY   I'm home!!

AL      Marcy, you don't live here.

MARCY   I know. No one actually LIVES here. I meant I'm back from my two weeks vacation.

 The Bundys look at Marcy blankly.

MARCY   You didn't know I was gone?

 The Bundys continue to look at her blankly.

MARCY   So you didn't remember to air out my house, or water the plants, or feed the goldfish?

 The Bundys wordlessly place accusations on each other.

MARCY   Oh well. At least my life is back on track. I spent my two weeks off at a seminar: 
        "You are what you were." 

AL      So you are a chicken. With a bad haircut.

MARCY   You know, that would've bothered me before, when I was what I'm not. But now that I am
        what I was, I was what I am.

AL      Stand back, she's getting ready to eat spinach and then her tattoo will get all big!

MARCY   You moron, it's not "I yam what I yam". That's '80s. The point is, I'm confident and
        renewed. So confident, in fact, that I stopped by my bank and demanded my old job back.
        And after twenty minutes of frugging on my boss's desk in my slip while the other 
        tellers tossed quarters at me, I am once again what I was. A dignified bank manager!

 Marcy does a little dance. Peg laughs happily.

PEG     Ah, gee, Al, isn't this great? Everybody has the start of a whole new life except for 
        you and the dog. 

 A white dog with a ribbon on her head comes in and barks several times. Buck comes running
 down the stairs and the two dogs leave together.

AL      Well, that all but throws the dirt on my face. Everybody, I have an announcement: your
        happiness sickens me. Everybody but me is looking at good times. But for me it's been 
        one long, continous year since I got married. Actually, one long month: Hell-uary. But
        I'm not bold enough to expect happiness. I know that wasn't meant for me. But what I'd
        like one time in my life is for something new to happen to me. Something special.

PEG     You're right, honey. You know what you need? A good night job.

 Al gets up.

AL      Is that all I am to you? An oxen to be worked in the field until he drops dead? 

PEG     Well, gee, honey, what did you think you were to us?

AL      Well, perhaps husband, perhaps father, perhaps the man who's about to run amok with a
        meat cleaver if he doesn't have any fun?! Now family, I've just made a decision. We're
        going on a Labor Day vacation. 

 The other Bundys express their protest.

PEG     Oh, no way!

AL      Shut up! 

PEG     But honey, what about the new TV season? I do not want to miss the special premiere of
        "Grandmaster and the Gopher". [reading from the TV Guide] It's an hour drama with comic
        overtones about a rapper who goes to the center of the earth, and raps with the mole
        people. Ooh, and look: Sally Struthers is the queen.

 Peg laughs and shows the TV Guide to Kelly.

KELLY   Ooh, Mom!

 Al takes the TV Guide from Peg and Kelly's hands.

AL      I am talking about vacation, litter of my loins. Now, I shall tell you where we will
        holiday. We're gonna go where people pretend they wanna go when they can't afford to go
        someplace good -- we're gonna see America. We take no map, we'll follow the sun. We'll
        stay in cheap motels and steal what we need along the way. We go west, past the cheese
        factories, where the air is fresh, sky is big, and a man can still kill his dinner with
        his car. Guys, tomorrow we put the pedal to the metal and we ride with the wind. 



 The four Bundys are sitting in Peg's car in a highway traffic jam. The occasional honking of 
 a car horn can be heard. Al is drumming with his fingers on the wheel. 

PEG     Gee, Al, uh, think you could slow down? My hair is just whipping in the wind. [to Bud 
        and Kelly] He's not scaring you, is he, kids?

 Bud puts his hand to his ear.

BUD     [with sarcasm] Sorry, Mom, I couldn't hear you over the 'roar' of the engine.

KELLY   Come on, leave Daddy alone. I mean, how could he possibly know there would be a TRAFFIC
        JAM on LABOR DAY?

 Kelly looks at Al accusingly.

AL      [trying to stay calm] Shut up.

PEG     Al, we have not moved an inch in two hours.

AL      Peg, I can hear that in our bedroom. Now just shut up and let me enjoy myself.

PEG     I could hear that in our bedroom too, honey.

 Al forces a chuckle.

AL      Ah, I'm not gonna let you ruin this for me, Peg. [sounding very forced] Yep, this is my
        vacation, and I'm a-having fun! 

 Al inhales deeply.

AL      I'm loving this!

 There is a short pause, then Al stops smiling and starts vigorously honking the horn.

AL      [with frustration] Move!! Move!! I can't take anymore! Oh God, you're killing me!
        [honking some more] Move!! Move!!

 Al buries his head in the wheel.



 Al's head is still buried in the wheel. Next to him, Peg is flipping through the TV Guide.
 The kids look very bored in the back seat. Needless to say, the car hasn't moved an inch.

KELLY   [to Al] Daddy? 

AL      [without raising his head] What?

KELLY   Are we there yet?

 Al raises his head from the wheel.

AL      If you don't shut up, I'm gonna put the car in park and just sit here.

KELLY   [with mock fear] Oooh!
BUD     [with mock fear] Oooh!

AL      Peg, could you control them? I'm trying to drive.

 Peg is reading the TV Guide.

PEG     Will we be back by next Thursday, honey? [shows Al the TV Guide] Look: "Nun of This",
        about a nun who's had enough. [reading out loud] Karen Valentine is Sister Lash, your
        worst nightmare - a nun with a gun!

AL      Enough already. 

 Al takes the TV Guide from Peg and throws it out of the car.

AL      Now I know what'll take our minds off this. How 'bout a family singalong?

PEG     Well, I don't know, honey. You sure you can sing and pay attention to the road at the
        same time?

AL      [threateningly] Don't make me pull over, Peg. Okay, with me: [singing] Ohhh the cow 
        kicked Nelly in the belly in the barn, oh the cow kicked Nelly in the belly in the barn,
        cow kicked Nelly in the belly in the barn, and the farmer said it would do no harm.
        Second verse, same as the first. Little bit louder but a little bit worse. Everybody:
        [resumes his singing] Ohh the cow kicked Nelly in the belly in the barn -

 A man named Gerry who's driving the car that's next to the Bundys' calls out to Al.

GERRY   Hey, would you shut the hell up?

AL      Are you talking to me?

GERRY   No, I'm yelling at you. Shut the hell up!

 The Bundys look at each other for a moment, then all start singing "The Cow Kicked Nelly"

GERRY   I said "shut up"!

AL      And if I don't?

GERRY   Then you'll be gumming "The Cow Kicked Nelly".

AL      [to Peg] Take the wheel, Peg.

 Al and Gerry come out of their cars and walk towards each other.

GERRY   Now, look, pal, if you wan't trouble with me you -

 Al puts his arms around Gerry's throat, nails him to the hood of the car and starts choking 
 him. The wives come out of their cars.

PEG     Honey! Al! Honey! We are in the middle of the expressway!

KITTY   Yes, Gerry, don't you have anything better to do than to pick a fight with a moron?

PEG     [to Kitty, threateningly] Just who are you calling moron?

KITTY   Your husband, you painted huss-

 Peg punches Kitty in the face, nails her to the hood of the other family's car and starts
 choking her. The kids of both family come out of their cars as well, and the Bundy kids start
 beating up the other family's kids vigorously. This goes on for quite a while, until the 
 roaring of engines is suddenly heard. Peg freezes and straightens up.

PEG     Al, we're moving!

 Both families immediately stop the fighting and hurry back to their cars.

AL      Here we go!

 The cars on the expressway move a few inches forward.

AL      Is that it?!

PEG     Yeah.

AL      Let's go!

 The Bundys come out of the car again. Gerry comes out of his car,

GERRY   Just a minute. We're human beings, right? We're not animals.

 Al punches Gerry in the face and starts beating him up. The other Bundys start beating up the
 other members of Gerry's family who are inside the car.


 The Bundys are sitting in the car. Al is holding a rolled up newspaper and we can hear a fly's
 buzzing. Al swats the fly with the newspaper and the buzzing stops. Al proudly shows the
 newspaper to Peg. Peg rolls her eyes.

PEG     Oh please. 

AL      What's wrong with you people? All right, so I made a teeny little mistake actually
        leaving on Labor's Day, but that's done, we're in hell, let's enjoy it! It's our 
        vacation for God's sake. Just... look around. Tell me what you see.

 Peg and the kids look around.

PEG     I can see our house... [points]

BUD     Great, Dad. Five hours on the road and we're almost home.

PEG     Dope.

BUD     Idiot.

KELLY   Buffoon.

AL      I - I - I got another idea.

PEG     Oh, put up the top so we don't get a wind burn?

AL      [insanely] That's it, I'm fulling it right into this bus!

 The others panic and do their best to calm Al down.

PEG     No no no, Al! Honey, no no no. It's okay. What's your idea, sweetie?

 Peg pats Al's shoulder.

KELLY   We love you, Daddy.

 Kelly strokes Al's shoulder.

AL      Well, I was gonna say: "let's play Geography". You know, I'll name a state or a 
        country, and the next person names one that begins with the letter the last one ended
        with. Sound good?

PEG     Sounds great.

BUD     [with pretend excitement] Oh man, let's play.

KELLY   You start, Daddy.

AL      Okay. Alaska. "A". Peg...

PEG     Asia. Bud: "A".

BUD     Africa. Kel: "A".

 Kelly thinks for a long time. Al thrashes about in his seat with frustration.

PEG     Honey, she's really trying!

AL      I know, I know. [brightening up] Hey, we need some music! That will get us out of this!
        How about some good old American road music?

 Al turns the radio on and we hear some foreign song playing. Al changes the station and we hear
 a song in Spanish. Al looks despaired and buries his head in the wheel. Peg turns the radio off.

PEG     Al?

AL      [nearly whispering] What?

PEG     Honey, I have to go to the bathroom. But don't you worry about it, I'm just gonna run
        back to the house, and I'll be right back.

 Peg leaves. Kelly finally thinks of a word for the Geography game.

KELLY   Alabama. Daddy: "R".

 Al raises his head from the wheel, makes a frustrated face and buries his head in the wheel


 It is now night time. Al hasn't moved.
 Peg makes her way back to the car, greeting the drivers of the cars she passes on her way. 
 She stops by a car that's rocking side to side and peers inside.

PEG     Boy, that takes me back.

 Peg continues on her way and arrives back at the Bundys' car.

PEG     Oh, hello everybody. Gee, I'm sorry I'm late, but I, uh, I took a nap, and ate... Oh,
        watched the premiere of "All Night Security Dude". [laughs] You know, I think it's the
        part that Erik Estrada was born to play. Did I miss anything?

 Al raises his head from the wheel.

AL      Yes, Peg, you did. Kids, show Mommy what she missed.

 The kids start whining and throwing insults at Al, like "This sucks, Daddy. We hate you" 
 (Kelly) or "You're not my father" (Bud). Then they start chanting "We wanna go home!" together
 while banging on the seat backs. Al motions to them to cut it out.

AL      About four hours of that, Peg. That's what you missed.

PEG     [to the kids] Gee, and you couldn't wait for me, huh. [chuckles]

AL      All right, look. It's almost nine o'clock. Traffic always thins out about now. So
        everybody buckle your seat belts up, 'cause any minute now, we ride.



 It is now morning. The car is still at the exact same spot. Peg and the kids are sleeping. 
 Al is studying a road map. He folds it and puts it away.

AL      Okay, kids, rise and shine.

 Peg, Kelly and Bud wake up.

KELLY   Where are we?

AL      No sense in starting the day with stupid questions.

 Peg and the kids look around.

PEG     Al, we haven't moved.

 Kelly starts crying. Bud consoles her.

PEG     That's it! Come on, kids. We're going home.

AL      Oh, wait a second. Where are you going? You'll miss all the fun!

PEG     Al, you reek.

AL      *I* reek? I? I, who only wanted to share the joy and brotherhood of a family outing,
        reek. Well, let me tell you what reeks, okay?

 Al steps out of the car and stands on its hood.

AL      Now what reeks is this facade that we call "Labor Day". Honk if you hate Labor Day!

 All the drivers on the expressway honk their horns. 

AL      You know what else reeks? Families reek. Honk if you hate families!

 All the drivers honk their horns again, louder this time.

AL      Because they are truly the reason Labor Day reeks. Once a year, they're on these 
        highways and byways. And what do they say? [in a whiny voice] "We hate this. We hate 
        you. Idiot. Moron."

KELLY   Buffoon, Daddy.

AL      [agreeing] "Buffoon daddy." But what about us, the ones who truly labor? We're on this
        stinking road every day, choking and wheezing, marching along like lemmings to a
        horrible, screaming death. Who cries for us, Argentina? Not our families... But we can't
        expect that. The yoke on the oxen feels no guilt... But what we can expect is that on 
        our one lousy stinkin' day off, traffic can move us to our lousy stinkin' pathetic
        destinations. [the other drivers begin to really listen to Al nod in agreement] To our
        polluted beaches, our burning forests, our wheezing grandmas... To our family barbeques
        with Uncle Otto and his runny eye. But does the highway department prepare for us? Are
        they out here helping us? Are they out there in front of us by that first damn car that
        caused this traffic jam, saying, "Step on the gas, you moron! Let the 20 million people
        pass!"??? They are not. Why? Because they don't care. And that, my friends, is what
        really reeks!

 All the drivers on the expressway honk their horns in agreement.

AL      So let's face it: we're not moving. We're just lining up to die. But let's show them that
        the American spirit is not dead. So join me, will you, on this, our Labor Day, and get
        out of your cars, and tear this highway to bits! Go into your trunks, get your tire irons
        and your road flares. Burn, baby, burn! Venegance is ours!!

 All the people have stepped out of their cars and they cheer enthusiastically. They begin
 pounding on the road with whatever means they could find.

PEG     Al, we're moving!

AL      Huh?

 Al looks behind him, then addresses the vandalizing mob.

AL      We are moving. Everyone, we are moving. In your cars, in your cars!

 All the people on the expressway get back in their cars. Al does so too.

AL      Kids, let's go, let's go. See, I told you to stick with me! Now buckle up. Now, we ride.

 The Bundys' car starts moving forward, but soon we hear one of its front tires burst.

AL      Flat tire. Everyone out.

 Al and Peg come out of the car.

PEG     I'll see you next Tuesday, Al. Come on, kids. We can still catch Mark Spitz and Greg
        Louganis in "Swim Gyms". 

 The kids get out of the car and the three of them start to leave.

PEG     It's a story about synchronized swimmers that solve crimes in their spare time.

AL      Fine. Go. I don't need ya. I've got my people.

 Al climbs back on the hood of the car.

AL      People, I've got a flat tire. Who will help me?

 The other drivers start honking their horns angrily. Some of them come out of their cars and
 start throwing things at Al.

AL      There's no, there's no reason to throw things. Get back in your cars. Stay calm.

 The angry mob closes in on Al and his car and the frame freezes just as they are about to start
 beating Al up and wrecking the car.



Transcribed by Nitzan Gilkis


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