Ed O' Neill: Al Bundy
Katey Sagal: Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse: Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate: Kelly Bundy
David Faustino: Bud Bundy
Alex Walters: Statue
Josh Carroll: Mark
Andrew Steinfeld: Tom
Kate Morrison: Alice
Cynthia Sullivan: Mildred
Brent Corman: Freddy
(THE BUNDY KITCHEN. AL IS ADDING UP BILLS AT THE KITCHEN TABLE.
KELLY AND BUD ARE IN THE BACKGROUND)
AL Hey, didn't I just pay bills last month??
BUD Just the ones stamped "Final Notice". This month we're doing the ones personally
delivered by the Sheriff.
AL Where's your mother?
KELLY She said she couldn't watch this, it depresses her. So she took her wallet and
she went shopping.
AL Well, if that damn woman isn't here, who am I supposed to yell at?
(BUD PRODUCES A TAPE RECORDER)
BUD She left this. Go ahead, Dad.
(AL LOOKS AT A BILL)
AL YEEOOW! Who could run up a two hundred and sixty dollar phone bill!?
(BUD PRESSES THE 'PLAY' BUTTON)
PEGGY (from recorder) I'm sorry, Al. I made a mistake. It'll never happen again.
AL Well... All right. (LOOKS AT ANOTHER) Yikes!! A hundred and sixty dollars for a
haircut and a manicure???
PEGGY (from recorder) I can explain that one.
AL You better!
PEGGY (from recorder) It was just a one-time thing and it'll never happen again!
AL Alright. AHHH! Who spent fifty dollars on a tape recorder!?
PEGGY (from recorder) Oh Al, I'll never do tha - (THE PHONE IS HEARD RINGING)
Hello? Oh, hi, Mom... No, I'm just putting a tape together for that idiot
husband of mine. Oops! Erase that, Kelly.
KELLY (from recorder) I will, Mom.
PEGGY (from recorder) Don't forget, now.
KELLY (from recorder) I said I will. What do I look like, an idiot?
(BUD STOPS THE TAPE. HE AND AL LOOK AT KELLY)
KELLY Hey, I'm gonna do it!
(KELLY TAKES THE TAPE RECORDER AND ERASES THE MESSAGE. AL SIGHS)
AL Well, that's done. Now, let's see what's left to go in the old savings account.
(DIGS AROUND IN HIS POCKET AND PULLS OUT A NICKEL) Hey, a big nickel! (PUTS IT
DOWN ON THE TABLE) See kids, one day all that'd be yours.
(BUD AND KELLY BOTH DIVE FOR THE NICKEL, BUT AL BEATS THEM TO IT, PUTTING HIS HAND OVER IT)
AL I said "one day."
(AL PUTS THE NICKEL BACK IN HIS POCKET)
BUD Dad, I hate to be the... fly in your Preparation H, but uh, you missed a bill.
KELLY You know, Daddy, you should do what Mom says. You should marry somebody who has
a job. Didn't your mom ever tell you that?
AL No honey. My mom told me to marry an anchor and cling to it as it sinks to the
(AL, BUD AND KELLY MOVE TO THE COUCH. AL LOOKS AT THE LAST BILL)
AL Chico Storage? What the hell is Chico Storage?
BUD Our storage bin.
AL The hell do you mean "storage bin"? Nobody told me about a storage bin. What
could we possibly put in a storage bin?
(PEGGY COMES IN CARRYING A BOAR'S HEAD)
PEGGY (to someone outside) Thanks, Adolpho! Just put the rest in the storage bin.
(SHE SHUTS THE DOOR AND NOTICES THE REST OF THE FAMILY)
PEGGY (hiding the boar behind her back) Oh. (LAUGHS) Hi, Honey.
AL Hi, Pookie. Whatchya got there?
PEGGY Uhh... it's a boar's head.
AL I know, but what do you have behind your back?
KELLY No, I saw it, Daddy. It is a boar's head.
AL Rest, honey. (TO PEG) Peg, why did you buy a boar's head?
PEGGY (showing him) Well, if you must know, it aroused me. Glassy eyes, stuffing for
brains, nothing below the neck. Nail it to a toilet bowl, it could be you.
AL No, it couldn't. 'Cause unlike me, someone loves him enough to put a bullet in
his head. I can't live like this. I already got a dog and three leeches. What am
I gonna do with a boar's head?
PEGGY Alright. Kids, take that thing to the garage.
(BUD AND KELLY GET UP AND START TO TAKE AL TO THE GARAGE. PEGGY STOPS THEM)
PEGGY Oh, no no no, the boar's head!
KELLY You gotta be a little bit more specific, Mom, because we don't know... (TRAILS
BUD Yeah, usually when you say "that thing" you mean Dad.
(BUD AND KELLY TAKE THE HEAD TO THE GARAGE)
AL Peg, this has got to stop.
(AL FOLLOWS HER INTO THE KITCHEN)
AL Hey, I'm gonna do with that thing what I should've done to you right after the
wedding - strap it to the hood of my car and take it back to the woods where it
PEGGY You can't take it back. I got it at a yard sale.
AL Peg, don't you know that things you buy at a yard sale are just junk?
PEGGY No, they're not! That's where I got your reading glasses, and the brake linings
for your car... and antibiotics for the kids. (AL AND PEGGY SIT DOWN ON THE
COUCH) Besides, you buy a lot of worthless junk too. Like your bowling ball.
AL Peg, I go bowling; you don't go "boaring"!
PEGGY (patting Al on the knee) Well, once every couple of months I do.
(MARCY KNOCKS ON THE DOOR, THEN COMES IN)
MARCY Yoohoo, it's me!
AL You see Peg? This is why I tell you to lock the door.
MARCY Peggy, the most wonderful thing happened. I have a date!
(PEGGY JUMPS UP EXCITEDLY AND SHE AND MARCY DANCE AROUND)
PEGGY Ohhh! Al! Marcy has a date!!
AL Gee, gee, they must be selling parkas in hell right now.
MARCY Well, we can only hope your dad can afford one!
PEGGY So, what's he like? Is he tall? Is he rich?
AL Is he sighted?
PEGGY Al, pick a hole in your head and stick your finger in it. Grown-ups are talking.
(PEGGY AND MARCY SIT ON THE COUCH, EITHER SIDE OF AL)
MARCY Peggy, my mistake was looking for a man to love, when all I really needed was a
man to hurt. I think I found him. He's perfect!
PEGGY Oh-hoh-hoh. Are you gonna have sex with him?
(AL LOOKS AT PEGGY IN DISGUST)
AL Well, you heard her say she wants to hurt him!
MARCY Peggy, this is not something I'd admit in front of a man, but I'm a little
nervous about this sex thing. It's been a long time. Three months.
PEGGY I can do three months standing on my head.
MARCY I'm just so used to Steve. It was his one strength. Well, that and show tune
trivia. But what if this guy's no good at all?
PEGGY Well, you've come to the right place. (PATS AL ON THE KNEE AGAIN) I tell ya, the
most important thing the first few times is to make them feel like they're doing
a good job. Even when they're not. You know, I say things like "Hoh. Honey, I
wasn't laughing at you, I was just thinking of a joke!" or, "You know when it's
the real thing, it only has to take but a minute." Oh, and you should keep a
little glass of water by the side of the bed. Sorta sprinkle your brow, they'll
really think you're into it. I've gotten a few "Suffer, baby"'s from Al with
that one. (SHE AND MARCY LAUGH. AL SINKS INTO THE COUCH) Oh, and then... (LAUGHS)
if you have a free hand, which I always do, you wanna just sorta reach over to
the clock and move it forward. It's a good confidence builder. And always
practice moaning to cover up your yawns. (SHE PUTS HER ARMS AROUND AL'S
SHOULDERS) Y'know, I guess what I'm saying is, you've just gotta leave the man
AL Peg, you forgot about your best secret move. You know, spitting cracker jacks
while you shout instructions? Oh, and the passionate "Remember tomorrow's
garbage day" at just that right moment. (TO MARCY) You know, I can't speak for
all men but that really turns me into a tiger.
(PEGGY LIGHTS UP A CIGARETTE.
BUD EMERGES FROM THE GARAGE WITH WHAT LOOKS LIKE HALF OF A WORLD GLOBE)
BUD Dad, there's no more room left in the garage. I had to take this out to get the
boar's head in.
(KELLY COMES OUT WITH A BUNCH OF MAGAZINES)
KELLY Hey, look what else Mom bought. A collection of Danish Dames magazines.
PEGGY Hey, that's not mine.
(EVERYBODY LOOKS AT BUD. BUD IS LOOKING GUILTY)
BUD How, how the heck did those get in there? Damn vandals must have left them. I'll
make sure they're put in the trash where they belong. (QUIETLY TO KELLY) Idiot.
(BUD PUSHES HER BACK INTO THE GARAGE. AL TAKES THE GLOBE FROM MARCY)
AL Peg, what's this?
PEGGY Oh. That's an ashtray that teaches you geography. (SHE LAUGHS AND FLICKS ASH
INTO THE GLOBE) That why you can smoke and learn!
MARCY What a find. Where did you get it?
PEGGY Campy's garage sale.
MARCY How could I've missed it? I was there when they opened. Did you see the
PEGGY Got it.
MARCY Damn. you know, the only thing better about going to a good garage sale is
having your own. When I was a little girl...
AL Oh, help me!
(AL RUBS HIS TEMPLES)
MARCY We'd have a garage sale every summer. My mother would sell anything. Old
lampshades, record albums... the training bra off my back.
AL What were you, about 25?
MARCY I was 13. And making more money than you. (PEGGY AND MARCY HIGH-FIVE) Anyway,
our garage sales were always a big success. We made five hundred dollars
once. My personal stuff was the biggest seller. I guess when you see a little
girl cry, a stranger pry her cherished belongings out of her hands, people
think they're getting a real bargain. Why, the big fifty cents they got for my
dog Chester helped pay for that weekend in the mountain my parents took without me.
But I guess I would've been a real downer, you know, screaming "Chester,
Chester, please come home, I can't live without you." Well, I don't think about
it much. Except for the times I wake up screaming!
(MARCY, NEARLY IN TEARS, HANGS HER HEAD. AL PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND MARCY TO COMFORT HER.
MARCY LOOKS UP FONDLY AT AL. AL LOOKS AT HER FOR A MOMENT)
AL Five hundred dollars, you say? Marcy just gave me a great idea. Peg, scrape the
dog doody off the grass. The Bundy's are having a yard sale!
(AL SMILES HAPPILY. PEGGY SHAKES HER HEAD.)
(AL, BUD, AND KELLY ARE IN THE BACKYARD. BUD AND KELLY ARE SETTING IT UP, AL HANGS UP A
SIGN IN FRONT OF HIS BUNDY BURGERS, AND IT SAYS "BUNDY BURGERS. FIVE DOLLARS."
PEGGY COMES OUT)
PEGGY Al, I can't believe you're doing this. You're selling my life's work.
AL Not your whole life's work, I'm keeping my knotted bowels.
(BUD WALKS OVER WITH A DEAD PARROT)
BUD Dad, what's the price on this?
AL Hmm, ten cents.
PEGGY Winky? You can't sell Winky!
AL Pookie, Winky's dead. Why would you buy a dead bird?
PEGGY Well, they said he could speak over a hundred words.
AL Okay, make it a quarter, Son.
(BUD WALKS AWAY WITH IT. KELLY APPEARS, HOLDING A BIG, PLAIN BLACK PICTURE IN A FRAME)
KELLY How much, Dad?
PEGGY Oh no. You can't sell this painting. It's unique. It's Paris, seen through the
eyes of a dead man.
AL Kids, tie your mommy up.
PEGGY Al, I have spent ten years ?emancing these treasures from the four corners of
the block. How can you... how can you sell these things when there's all that
useless stuff in the house? You know, the vacuum, the stove... your side of the
bed, your second pair of underwear...
(AL POINTS TO THE HOUSE)
AL Be gone, woman!
PEGGY You stink.
(PEGGY LEAVES. AL TURNS TO THE KIDS)
AL Kids? (BUD AND KELLY JOIN HIM) Put the ad in the paper (BUD AND KELLY NOD) Signs
up around the neighborhood? (THEY NOD AGAIN) Thumbtacks in the street so the
cars will get a flat in front of the house?
(A CAR IS HEARD APPROACHING, THEN THE SOUND OF A PUNCTURE AND THE CAR STOPS)
AL We're open for business.
(AL IS AT THE TABLE, THE KIDS ARE BEHIND HIM. TEXT ON SCREEN: THREE HOURS LATER)
AL Yep, open for business.
(A MAN, TOM, AND WOMAN, MILDRED, WALK OVER TO THE DEAD PARROT)
TOM Look honey, a parrot. Hi, pretty bird!
AL (hiding mouth) WARCK! Take me home. I wanna be part of your family. I love you!
MILDRED (noticing) 'Scuse me. Isn't that you talking??
AL How dare you come into my own yard and accuse me of passing myself off as a dead
TOM Look, we're sorry. Uh, how much?
(MILDRED GRABS HER HUSBAND'S ARM AND LEAVES. KELLY IS STANDING BY A DISGUISED PEGGY,
WHO IS WEARING A BLACK COAT, HAT AND SUNGLASSES, AND BUYING EVERYTHING FROM A RACK OF
PEGGY (disguising voice) And I'll take this, and this and this... Oh my...
KELLY What can I do for you?
PEGGY (disguising voice) How much for this wagon wheel?
KELLY Twenty-five cents.
PEGGY (disguising voice) That's ridiculous. I'll give you fifty cents.
KELLY No, my daddy says twenty-five.
AL Bud, you notice anything unusual over there?
BUD Which do you mean, Dad? Mom dressed like an idiot or uh, Kelly, for the first
time, using the word "no"?
(AL APPROACHES PEGGY AND KELLY)
PEGGY (disguising voice) And I'd like this, and this, and this...
KELLY Hey, Dad, I got a live one here. She'll buy anything. Watch. (HOLDS UP THE BLACK
PAINTING) Twenty dollars.
PEGGY (disguising voice) I'll take it!
KELLY What an idiot!
AL Kelly, go change the newspaper under the dead parrot's cage.
KELLY Soak her, Daddy.
AL Winky's waiting, honey.
AL Hello, Peg.
PEGGY Hi Al. I mean, uh... (disguises voice) Hello Mister.
(AL POINTS TO THE HOUSE. PEGGY RELUNCTANTLY WALKS OFF. WE HEAR A COW BELL)
AL Hey! (PEGGY STOPS) The cow bell.
(PEGGY TAKES THE COW BELL OUT OF HER POCKET AND GIVES IT TO AL)
PEGGY You stink!
(SHE GOES INSIDE. AL GOES OVER TO BUD, WHO IS THROWING THE VERY BURNT HAMBURGERS
(AL STARTS THROWING BURGERS TOO)
AL Son, have I told you not to marry?
BUD Yeah, Dad.
AL Good. Have I told you not to be a shoe salesman?
BUD Yeah, Dad.
AL Well, I just I've told you everything I know then. Son, what do you want to be
when you grow up?
AL (cutting him off) See, I wanted to be a football player. (POINTS TO BUCK) Now I
just wanna be like him. Sure, you have to eat a bowl full of the private parts
of horses, but... then you go to the bathroom on the lawn and someone says you
did good! That's all I wanted. To lie in the sun, run in the grass, see a good
looking bitch through a chain link fence... Ah, what's the use, it'll never
happen. (SINGS) Dog is an animal with big floppy ears. (BREAKS DOWN) Oh God.
(HE HANGS HIS HEAD. KELLY COMES OVER)
KELLY What's with Dad?
BUD He's having the dog dream again.
KELLY (patting Al's head) Good boy.
(AL SITS UP AND LETS HIS TONGUE HANG OUT)
KELLY You know, I can't understand why we can't sell of any of this junk.
AL Well, honey, see, lawn sales are based on the Bigger Idiot Theory. You know,
nothing's so dumb that some bigger idiot won't come along and buy, but the uh,
the flaw on that theory is that eventually you get to the Head Idiot, and uh,
you call her "Mom".
BUD So, what do we do, Dad? Give up and become Sanford and Son?
AL No. I'll think of something. Remember the Bundy credo. A Bundy never wins but a
Bundy never quits.
KELLY No, Dad, it's a Bundy never eats.
BUD No no no, it's a Bundy never learns.
KELLY Wait, isn't it a Bundy never dies?
BUD No, it's a Bundy never cares.
AL Shut up, the two of ya. Shut up, the two of ya. Just give me one minute to think
about this, and I'll think of a brilliant way to get us out of this.
(WE SEE A SIGN THAT SAYS "BUNDYLAND", WITH CARICATURES OF THE FOUR BUNDYS. AL WALKS
THROUGH THE BACKYARD WEARING A "BUNDYLAND" SHIRT. KELLY IS STANDING AT A STAND SELLING
MORE SHIRTS. WINKY IS SET UP WITH A SIGN THAT READS "ASK WINKY, THE PSYCHIC DEAD PARROT
A QUESTION - 25 CENTS")
AL Ho ho ho. Welcome to Bundyland! The Happiest Place on Earth!
(A YOUNG BOY, FREDDY, IS STANDING NEXT TO BUCK. THERE IS A SIGN NEXT TO HIM THAT READS
"PET THE HAPPIEST DOG ON EARTH". AL WALKS OVER TO THE LITTLE BOY)
AL Having fun?
FREDDY This reeks.
AL (shrugs his shoulders) Just pet the damn dog.
(AL WALKS AWAY. FREDDY PETS BUCK. WE HEAR BUCK GROWLING VICIOUSLY)
AL Bud, how we doing on the Wheel-O-Fun?
(BUD, WEARING A TOP HAT, IS OPERATING A TIRE THAT IS SUPPOSED TO SPIN FOR TWENTY-FIVE
CENTS A RIDE. ANOTHER LITTLE BOY IS WAITING FOR A RIDE)
BUD (bored) Great, Dad. (THE BOY GIVES HIM SOME MONEY) Hold on tight, now!
(HE SPINS A LEVER, BUT NOTHING BUT A CARNIVAL SOUND HAPPENS. A BLONDE GIRL IS TALKING TO
THE DEAD PARROT, WHICH IS KELLY BEHIND SHIRTS, BUT SHE NEVER NOTICES)
BLONDE Why do men treat me like I'm stupid?
KELLY (disguising voice) Beats the hell out of me. They treat me that way too. Maybe
it's because we're blonde. WARCK!
(MARCY ENTERS FROM THE HOUSE, FOLLOWED BY A MAN, AND APPROACHES AL)
MARCY Hey, PT Barnham. So, you didn't think I could get a guy, huh? Well, I did, and
he can't wait to get his hands on me. But I wanted to stop by first, and show
what a real man looks like. Check him out.
(WE SEE A GREASY-HAIRED MAN WEARING AN OPEN NECK SHIRT AND LOTS OF GOLD CHAINS AROUND
HIS NECK. HE IS CHECKING HIS BREATH. HE THEN BRUSHES SOMETHING OFF BOTH OF HIS
MARCY The best thing about him is that he's a one-woman man.
AL And that must be her now!
(MARCY'S BOYFRIEND IS WALKING AWAY WITH THE BLONDE. MARCY GOES CHASING AFTER HIM)
MARCY Roland, get back here. When I buy a guy dinner I expect something for it!!
(PEGGY ENTERS THE BACKYARD)
PEGGY Al, I'm so depressed.
(AL AND PEGGY SIT)
AL Welcome to Bundyland, the Depressingest Place on Earth.
PEGGY I was just at the Feedman's garage sale down the block. You know what they're
AL "Why does your husband go on living"?
PEGGY No, no one knows I'm married. They're saying that all my stuff, my treasures,
AL Peg, I've been telling you that!
PEGGY Yeah. But these are strangers, I care what they think! Oh Al, I've failed me.
(PEGGY LOOKS AROUND THE ABANDONED YARD) As usual, I can see that you're making
AL Alright, everybody, family meeting! (BUD AND KELLY JOIN THEM) Kids, it is with a
heavy heart that I have to report that Bundyland is a complete and total
PEGGY A first for anything named Bundy.
AL Gee, I wish it could be like one of them big Wanker Hoedowns. You know, where
everybody gathers around the still and they play Spin The Cousin! Now, here's
what we're gonna do. We're gonna take everything that's left, and that includes
everything, and dump it in a stranger's yard.
KELLY (still with parrot voice) What if somebody sees us? WARCK!
(KELLY LOOKS CONFUSED, PEGGY AND BUD LOOK AT HER ODDLY)
AL Just mutter something in German, we'll blame it on the Schultzes!
BUD Right, Dad.
(BUD AND KELLY LEAVE)
AL Now, Peg. Have you learned anything this time?
AL Then I'll explain it to you. Peg, you have attended your last garage sale. See
Pookie, we're broke and you're stupid. And the combination just doesn't work out
for the family. Peg, don't you realise that we don't need all this stuff to be
miserable? We've got each other!
PEGGY Oh Al. I know you're right. I know I have to stop. But I can't. It's like that
stuff just beckons to me and I feel like I have to buy!
AL And yet you never feel the need to cook a meal or wash a sock, clean a room.
PEGGY Hey, what am I, sick?
AL Alright, Peg, let's start clean. Clean garage, clean yard, separate beds. I
know! We'll even start eating. (AL GETS SOME CHANGE FROM HIS POCKET) Honey, I am
going to give you... ten dollars. (HE GIVES HER THE MONEY) Now I want you to
buy. No animal heads or paintings or Hoss Cartwright ceramic memorial hats. Just
food. (HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER) Do you think you can do that, Pookie?
PEGGY I can do it, Al. I've bought other things. I can buy food! Al, you're looking at
a whole new Peggy!
AL Yeah, maybe this one won't be able to find her way home.
(PEGGY IS WALKING DOWN A STREET, TALKING TO HERSELF)
PEGGY Must buy food, must buy food. I'm gonna buy food. I'm gonna buy food. I'm gonna
(SHE STOPS BY A STORE WINDOW, LOOKING AT A GOLD HUNKY STATUE. THERE IS A SIGN THAT READS
"$5,000, only $40.00 DOWN." SHE HEARS IT TALKING)
STATUE Buy me.
STATUE Buy me.
PEGGY I have to buy food!
(THE STATUE TURNS TO HER)
STATUE Buy me.
PEGGY Well... okay!
(PEGGY RUNS INTO THE STORE)
DIRECTED BY GERRY COHEN
WRITTEN BY MARCY VOSBURGH & SANDY SPRUNG
CREATED BY MICHAEL G. MOYE & RON LEAVITT
CO-PRODUCER BARABARA BLACHUT CRAMER
STORY EDITOR KEVIN CURRAN
CASTING TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A.
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING RICK JACOBS
"LOVE & MARRIAGE" MUSIC AND LYRICS BY SAMMY CHAN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISION MICHAEL ANDREAS
PRODUCTION DESIGNER DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR RICHARD STEIR
STAGE MANAGERS ROCHARD DRANEY, STEPHANIE SCOTT
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR SUSAN JANG
EDITED BY LARRY HARRIS
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR SAM W. ORENDER
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO J. MARK KING
RE-RECORDING MARTI D. HUMPHREY, JOHN BICKELHAUPT
PRODUCTION STAFF GABRIELLE TOPPING, ROCHELLE STATEN, LINDA OTA, DEBORAH MCCARTHY,
WENDY WOTHERSPOON, RUTHIE PIPER HARDEE, CARL STUDEBAKER
COSTUMES MARTI MASAMITSU
PROPERTY MASTER MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP NINA KENT
HAIR STYLIST DOTTIE MCQUOWN
DOG TRAINER STEVEN RITT
PRODUCTION SUPERVISED BY FRAN MCCONNELL
PRODUCTION CONSULTANTS DEBORAH CURTAN, EDUARDO CERVANTES
COPYRIGHT (C) 1990 ELP COMMUNICATIONS
All Rights Reserved
IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION ED LAMMI
Transcribed by Justice and Marriedaniac
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