WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND
Ed O'Neill...................Al Bundy
Katey Sagal..................Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse................Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate..........Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...............Bud Bundy
Buck/Mike The Dog............Buck
Tiffani-Amber Thiessen.......Heather McCoy
Joel J. Edwards..............Jeff
Bojesse Christopher Graham...Rick
Carol Gustafson..............Principal Ravinko
Mik Scriba...................Mr. Blum
Joshua D. Howard.............Guy #1
Corey Tyler..................Guy #2
Peggy is sitting on the couch, smoking a cigarette, while watching TV.
Al comes in through the front door.
AL Hi, Peg. [hangs up his coat] Gee, you must have misunderstood me this morning. I said
you should buy a vegetable.
PEGGY Gee, and I guess I must have misunderstood you last night when you said; "Brace yourself,
this time it's gonna be good."
Al kisses Peggy's head.
AL Any mail?
Peggy flicks ash into an envelope that she is using as an ashtray.
PEGGY Ooh, yeah, something did come today, let's see, what did it say? "Open Immediately"?
"Urgent"? "Do Not Delay", something like that. Gee, what could it be? [flicks more ash into
the envelope and looks down at it] Oh, [chuckles] here it is!
Peggy hands the envelope to Al. Al snatches it from Peggy.
AL Oh good, [tips up the envelope and lots of ash and cigarette butts fall out] those ashes
from Sharper Image I ordered came. [Al reads the back of the envelope] Hey, this is from
Polk High School! What could they be writing to me about after all these years?
PEGGY Well, maybe they've retired your stall in the boy's bathroom.
AL Hot diggitty dog diggitty [points his finger, as a gun, at Peggy] BOOM what you do to me.
Peggy gives Al a look. Al reads the letter.
AL [excited] Hey, look, they want me to introduce the football team's M.V.P. at the
Homecoming Dance Friday night! "We're seeking one of the great football heroes of the
Chicago land area, that's why we've asked YOU... [look of confusion on Al's face] Mr.
Gail Sayers." No, that's crossed out; [still confused] "Mr. Jim McMahon", crossed out...
"Mr. Walter Peyton, Mr. Mike Singletary, Mr. [with disbelief] ABE VAGODA!?". All crossed
out. Ah, here we go; [muted triumph] "Mr. Alf Bundy". [wipes a tear from his eye] They
PEGGY Oh, Alf!
AL [excited] And I'll bet they're gonna wanna hear a little speech! You know, [goes over to
kitchen table to write] I've got much to say to America's youth. If I could just help one
kid not marry, my job is done.
A hallway in Polk High School.
Bud is putting a book into his locker. He turns around when he hears someone howling like a dog
on heat. Kelly rushes around the corner.
KELLY Did you hear that? You'd think a science teacher would have more dignity. So, Gnome,
everyone's gonna be at the homecoming dance. Where are you gonna be?
BUD Hey, I'll be there... with a date.
KELLY Huh, who's gonna be the girl this year: You, or Joey?
BUD Ho Ho, Won Over Easy. I got me a hot date; Heather McCoy.
KELLY Heather McCoy? The one you were in love with in 6th Grade? The one who took you skinny
dipping and stole your clothes, then ran your underwear up a flag pole???
KELLY Bud, why don't you just go out with somebody who likes you? Oh, I'm sorry... Buck has
outgrown his party dress.
BUD Good one, Human Trampoline. As it happens; Heather is quite taken with me.
KELLY Why would someone as popular as Heather McCoy want to go out with someone as popular as
Heather McCoy comes around the corner, giggling, with a couple of girls.
BUD Hush hush, Sweet Harlot, here she comes.
McCOY Hi, Bud. Are we still on for the dance Friday?
BUD I shall drink in your beauty, as the bee does the nectar of the flower.
Bud kisses the back of Heather's hand. Heather starts to leave.
McCOY [to Kelly] Isn't he a dream?
KELLY How did you do that??
BUD Research. I've been studying her since the 6th Grade, plotting, planning, cataloguing her
likes and dislikes, and now, the time is right to strike, for I am at the zenith of my
studliness... five long years, and now, finally she's mine.
KELLY You still love her, huh?
BUD Nope, I'm after revenge, baby. Sweet, pure, uncut revenge.
KELLY Why bother? I mean, that was 5 years ago, nobody remembers your underwear up on a flag
Two guys notice Bud, they stop, salute and recite a pledge of allegiance.
KIDS I pledge allegiance to the underwear of the United Shorts of Bud Bundy.
They fall about laughing uncontrollably and then leave.
BUD Yeah, no one but the 75 kids who do that to me everyday. That's why I'm gonna get Heather
McCoy. Phase One is now completed.
KELLY What's Phase Two; you touch her on the knee and then start to cry?
BUD Not quite, Oh She Whose Head Can Never Be Seen In A Car. Phase Two comes Friday, we
dance, she's looking up at me - engulfed in the cool that is I, and then, at ten o'clock
sharp; [acting out his plan] I dance her over to the big floor vent - which by Friday
will be set on a timer, and at precisely Ten, an industrial fan whooshes through the vent
- like Dad on a baloney bender, and blows her dress up... AND THE WORLD WILL SEE HER
UNDERWEAR! REVENGE!! REVENGE!!
Peggy is still sitting on the couch smoking while watching TV.
TV Tonight at eight, what's black and white and funny all over? Gary Coleman and Ned Beatty
are "Ethan and The Jackal". Two wrongly fired Harvard professors who love the classics
and hate crime. Come, watch us now!
Peggy switches off the TV. Al enters through the front door.
AL Hi, Peggy. Gee, you know, I was thinking; maybe I ought'a take a picture of your behind.
Then that way, if the couch was ever stolen, the police could match the prints with at
least one of the cushions.
PEGGY Oh, come on Al, you know you love your Honey Buns. Remember, you used to rub them every
night before you went to sleep.
AL Yeah, but it's just that I hate to go to sleep with the smell of feet on my hands. All
right now, be quiet and let me work on my speech here.
Al sits down on the couch and picks up some papers from the coffee table.
PEGGY Look, Al, all they want you to do is announce this year's M.V.P. and then slink off into
the shadows of obscurity where you belong.
AL It's just killing you that somebody remembers me, isn't it? That someone thinks of me as,
as more than just a shoe salesman, or the family wallet, or the running joke at the
beauty parlor. These people want me 'cause I'm a genuine football hero... and they're
probably gonna want to see some mementos too. Where's my old football helmet?
PEGGY Well, judging from the shape of your head, I'd say your scalp grew over it.
AL Ah, you know, when you talk like this; I just wanna get down on my knees and bite your
ankles like a pitbull. [He and Peggy laugh] All right, Peg, let the couch have a little
air and go get that helmet... and other symbols of my heroism.
PEGGY Oh, all right... nobody cares though!
Peggy gets up to search for Al's mementos.
AL Go, go.
[Al stands to read his speech] I am Al Bundy. Pause for applause, [Bud comes down the
stairs] ovation dies down... they sit.
BUD Dad, I need to talk to you for a second.
AL Bud, I'm working on a speech right now.
BUD Dad, when you were in school, did a girl ever do something to you... something so rotten
that it actually ruined your whole life?
AL Yes, and you call that girl "Mom" now.
BUD Well, what if she didn't actually marry me, but still did something real bad? I mean, if
you were gonna get revenge; that wouldn't be wrong, would it?
AL Son, let me tell you something about revenge. Now this is something that you're going to
have to learn, before you can truly call yourself a man: Revenge is great. It's
phenomenal. It's the only thing that separates us from the animals. It's why I stay with
your mother. Now, Son, if you have a chance to get back at a girl who has wronged you --
do it. Do it now, do it good, do it twice! There'll be many women in your life, Son, but
the one you get revenge on, will always be the sweetest of them all.
They hug and pat each other on the back.
BUD Thanks, Dad.
AL Hey! Humiliate her for me, Son.
BUD You got it, Dad.
AL Husband, Father, Speaker. How do I do it all?
Al is still standing, working on his speech.
Peggy enters from the basement. She is concealing something behind her.
AL Hey, did you find any of my football mementos to show the fans?
PEGGY Oh, I certainly did... your athletic supporter.
Peggy holds up a small and dirty athletic supporter.
PEGGY [reads the label on the inside] Gee, "XS". Must stand for "Extra Snug", huh? Now honey,
would you like me to write "front" and "back" on these like I do on your underwear? Or do
you think that this "R-I-P" says it all?
AL Well, as long as we're writing on each other's underwear, why don't you pass me a pair of
yours so I can draw the skull and cross bones?
The doorbell rings.
AL Get that, will you, Sweetheart?
PEGGY Ah ha.
Peggy drops the supporter on the coffee table and goes to answer the door. Al sits down on the couch.
Peggy opens the door and Marcy enters. Marcy walks straight over to Al and sits next to him.
MARCY Hiiii. Hope I'm not interrupting anything. I just wanted you to know I'm holding up well
after being deserted by my husband. What was his name? Oh yes, "Doodie Face".
Al is ignoring Marcy. Peggy sits on the couch, so Marcy focuses her attention on Peggy.
MARCY Anyway, I know you're concerned, despite the fact that you haven't called, or stopped by,
or even veered to the left when I was lying in your driveway.
PEGGY Well, Marcy, it's not that we don't care, it's just that the McNuggets were getting cold.
MARCY Oh, well, no-one could expect you to care about a friend when you've got a greasy bag of
fried viddles a-coolin'. [gets up and walks to the back of the couch] But, to answer the
question "How's she doing now?" the answer is; she's doing fine. The crisis is over! No
more sitting at home for me, na-ha, I'm gonna go out there and grab me a pocket full of
life. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna experience everything this bowl of cherries
we call life has to offer. [building up a great deal of excitement] So watch out world,
here comes Marcy Rhoades!
Marcy's excitement is met with no response. She waits a while, then her excitement vanishes.
MARCY [pitifully, to Al] So, whatchya doing?
AL [impatiently] I'm trying to write a speech for the Homecoming at the High School Dance
MARCY Can I go? I'm so alone, please. Just some sort of human contact, a voice other than my
own. Oh, please God, throw a dog a bone.
PEGGY Oh, Al, my heart goes out to her. We should let Marcy come. She can buy gas... and dinner
AL Oh, all right. Look, as long as I've got you here, let me try a little something out on
you. [Al goes over the dining table and picks up an egg] Now, in my speech, I'm using a
visual aid to point out to the students the pitfalls in life. This is your brain,
[holds up the egg] this is your brain on marriage.
[throws the egg on the floor] Any questions?
The Homecoming Dance.
Marcy is talking to two disinterested, complete strangers.
MARCY ...but to answer the question "How's she doing now?", the answer is, she's doing fine.
The scene quickly shifts to Peggy. She is dancing, alone but enjoying it, while smoking a cigarette.
Principal Ravenko takes to the stage.
RAVNKO Students and fellow Homecomingers, I'd like to introduce our guest speaker. I was hoping
to introduce someone famous or even interesting. Instead, I give you Al Bundy, Polk High's
Most Valuable Player of 1966. Mr. Bundy?
Al appears from behind the stage curtain. He is met with stony silence. Al attempts to adjust
the microphone, but it falls from its stand onto the floor.
AL [picking up the microphone] Thank you.
[places the microphone into it's stand, then holds up an egg] This is your brain...
Bud enters with Heather McCoy.
BUD Here we are, my dear. May I say that's a lovely dress, so light and airy.
McCOY Well, you should get a picture of me in it.
BUD Oh, I will; I already bought the frame.
Kelly enters with a guy named Rick.
RICK Kelly, thanks for coming to the dance with me.
KELLY Why wouldn't I? You're the only one for me, Jeff.
RICK Er, Rick.
KELLY Right. Could you go get me some punch?
Rick walks over to the punch bowl.
Kelly turns around and runs out of the hall, then immediately returns with another guy named Jeff.
JEFF Kelly, thanks for meeting me tonight.
KELLY Why wouldn't I? You're the only one for me, Rick.
KELLY Right. Could you go get me some punch?
Jeff heads over to the punch bowl, just as Rick is returning.
Al is still ranting on stage about women and football.
AL Sure, before you marry 'em, all women like football, but as soon as you say "I Do"; they
put on 40 pounds, and the only hike you'll see is them hiking up their pants before they
weld their butts to the sofa for the rest of their worthless lives.
I work for a living...
Peggy is stopping the handsome young guys who pass by.
PEGGY Could I trouble you for a light? [The young man lights Peggy's cigarette and then leaves.
Peggy stamps out the cigarette and gets another one from her bag, then she quickly stops
another passer-by] Could I trouble you for a light? [he gladly lights her cigarette] Thank you.
[Peggy watches him walk away] Boom Baba Boom Baba Boom Baba Boom.
A teacher from Polk High approaches Peggy.
BLUM Hi there, I'm Blum, Electrical Shop. What would you say to you and me behind the
PEGGY [disinterested] It would never work out; there's a light back there - I could see you.
Blum, embarrassed, straightens his tie.
Bud and Heather are dancing together.
McCOY You know, I'm really sorry about what I did to you in the 6th Grade.
BUD [lying badly] Did you do something to me in the 6th Grade?
McCOY Yeah, you know, your underwear up the flagpole?
BUD Was that you? I'd totally forgotten.
McCOY Anyway, I was cruel to you, and I'm really sorry.
Heather gives Bud a big kiss.
BUD [in a high-pitched, squeaky voice] Excuse me.
Bud goes over to Kelly, who is dancing with Rick, and taps her on her shoulder.
KELLY [turns around quickly] You're the only one for me... [realises it's her brother that
she's talking to] Bud, what are you doing? Can't you see that I was working?
BUD Kel, I'm thinking about calling it off. I mean, she's, she's sorry and she really likes
me now... she told me so.
KELLY Bud, don't be a sucker your whole life. Let me tell you something about men and women:
We're liars and you're all idiots. Watch...
Kelly stops the first guy who passes by.
KELLY [girlishly and flirting] I really like you.
CLYDE Really? Hey everybody, Kelly likes me!
KELLY Can I have your watch?
CLYDE Oh, well... it's my dad's...
[Kelly gives him a doe-eyed, disappointed look] but sure! [happily hands the watch to her]
wait till the guys hear. [turns and runs to tell the guys] Hey, she likes me!
As soon as he leaves, Kelly tosses the watch away and it lands in the punch bowl.
KELLY The prostitution rests.
BUD So, what you're saying in your own little talking chimp kinda way, is that she really
doesn't like me?
KELLY How could she?
BUD You're right. Tonight at 10 o'clock, the curtain goes up on Heather McCoy.
They high-five in agreement.
Al is still on about football...
AL ...And you wanna talk 'flying wedge', let's talk about my mother-in-law! People overuse
the phrase "as big as the Earth", but kids, try to picture everyone you've ever known
under one muumuu...
Marcy is dancing with a disinterested girl, who is almost falling asleep.
MARCY I love being single. I'm at peace with myself, really. [unconvinced] Oh, God.
Mr. Blum is still trying to sweet talk Peggy.
BLUM Bet you don't know what I've got in my pocket.
PEGGY The rest of your belly?
BLUM No... the key to the teacher's lounge. So, what say to you, me and a whole lotta carpet?
Al is still making his speech, but he notices Blum's moves on Peggy.
AL ...Well, [takes the microphone from the stand and walks across the stage] I can't say
that football is a metaphor for every aspect of life, there are similarities...
[Al clubs Blum over the head with the microphone and Blum collapses] my wedding night,
[returns to center stage] for example...
It is now two minutes to ten o'clock.
AL Shoes. No kind of life for a man...
Bud is still dancing with Heather. He glances over to the clock.
McCOY You know, I'm really glad I came here with you tonight. You're so decent, a gentleman.
BUD Wearing deodorant too, [holds up his arm] wanna smell?
McCOY That's all right. Listen, let's go someplace, okay?
BUD Hmm, in a minute.
Bud glances down to the large air vent that they are dancing on.
McCOY I know! I owe you a skinny-dip. What do you say? [she bites her lip]
BUD [speechless] An-aun-nin-niy. [looks down at the vent, then at Heather, and forgets all
that Kelly told him] Let's go!
They rush out of the hall.
Marcy, alone, wanders over and stands on top of the air vent.
MARCY Oh, what do I have to do to get someone to notice me?
The giant fan starts and Marcy's dress is blown up. Everybody in the room laughs at her, except
Al, who is revolted by the spectacle.
More time passes and Al is still talking on stage.
AL Now, the moment you've all been waiting for; the recount of my last game at Polk High:
It was a frosty evening in November...
Peggy pushes Al out of the way and takes over.
PEGGY No, no, no. Enough. [into the microphone] Hi, my name is Peggy, er, Smith, and I, like
you, can't take this anymore. So now, I would like to introduce this years M.V.P.
The curtains open to reveal Bud, wearing only a towel, trying to reach his underwear, that
Heather has suspended over the stage. The M.V.P. is seated on stage, asleep. Heather leads a chant:
McCOY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY...
CROWD BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY...
Al doesn't notice Bud, and he thinks the crowd is cheering for him.
The dance is over. Kelly walks into the empty hall.
KELLY Bud, you can come out now. I have a present for you.
Bud crawls out from behind a large potted plant. Kelly gives him his underwear.
BUD Thanks, Kel. I can't believe she did this to me again. How am I gonna show my face in
KELLY Like you always do: from behind a wall of Clearasil.
BUD Aww gee, thanks, Sis, I'm so glad that when I'm feeling low you're always there to make
me feel like ooze.
KELLY Oh, chill out, you little toadstool. Believe me, tomorrow at school, nobody's gonna be
talking about you.
BUD What do you mean?
KELLY Just come to school early and bring a camera. Trust me. Heather and I had a little chat
out in the hall, and we worked things out like ladies.
Heather is bound and gagged to the school lockers. There is a sign beside her that reads:
Don't Mess With A Bundy. Heather has a towel wrapped around her presumably naked body, it has a
rope attached to it and Buck is holding the other end of it in his mouth.
Kelly enters and calls for Buck.
KELLY Buck, come here, boy. Come here, boy.
The school bell rings. Buck runs to Kelly, dragging the towel behind him, just as the school
corridor fills with students.
Produced by Ellen L. Fogle
Supervising Producers Arthur Silver
Executive Producers Michael G. Moye
Directed by Gerry Cohen
Written by Ellen L. Fogle
Created by Ron Leavitt and Michael G. Moye
Co-Producer Barbara Blachut Cramer
Story Editor Kevin Curran
Casting Tammara Billik C.S.A.
Executive in charge of Casting Rick Jacobs
"Love And Marriage" lyrics by Sammy Cahn and
Jimmy Van Heusen
Music Supervision Michael Andreas
Production Designer Don Roberts
Art Director Richard Improta
Associate Director Richard Draney
Stage Managers Stephanie Scott
Production Associate Kitty Rourke
Production Co-ordinator Susan Jang
Edited by Larry Harris
Technical Director Sam W. Orender
Director of Photography Thomas W. Markle
Audio J. Mark King
Re-Recording Marti D. Humphrey
Production Staff Rochelle E. Staten
Ruthie Piper Hardee
Costumes Marti Masamitsu
Property Master Michael Semon
Make-up Nina Kent
Hair Stylist Dottie McQuown
Dog Trainer Steven Ritt
Production Supervised by Fran McConnell
Production Consultants Deborah Curtan
In Charge of Production Ed Lammi
Copyright 1990 ELP Communications
Transcribed by Ade Bundy
Revised by Marriedaniac
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