IT'S A BUNDYFUL LIFE (PART ONE)
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Buck....................Buck The Dog
Don Sparks..............Santa Horowitz
Ann Nelson..............Elderly Woman
Thomas Ian Nicholas.....Bobby
"It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas" plays. We see the Bundy house exterior covered
with snow. Inside, Peggy, Kelly, Bud and Buck all look bored. Kelly is twirling her gum, Bud is
playing with straws that are stuck in his nose and Peggy is trying not to fall asleep. Buck has
a stuffed Christmas toy in his mouth. Al's car is heard driving up. The car door closes.
AL [o.s.] Noo-ooohh.
PEGGY Daddy's home.
Bud and Kelly grunt unenthusiastically.
AL I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is "I
want this!", "Get me this!", "I have to have this!"... and then there's the children.
And they're all by my store 'cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his
stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. "Ho,
ho, ho," all day long. So, nice as can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He
takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes
off, all the kids start crying and I'm the bad guy.
Al sits next to Peggy.
PEGGY Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But I'll never leave you, not in a
million years. So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?
BUD Five bowls a-flushing?
PEGGY Four 'roids a-throbbing?
KELLY Three nose hairs waving?
BUD Two children starving?
PEGGY [singing] One un-touched wife!
AL I guess this is what the mean when they say "chestnuts roasting on an open fire," hey,
guys? Now look, I know last Christmas you didn't get what you want. I saw your sad
PEGGY How? You weren't even home. You shot pool with your friends.
AL Hey, your faces were still sad the next day. But this year it's going to be different.
Who here knows what a Christmas Club is?
PEGGY Oh, isn't that when morons put money in the bank to get two percent interest instead of
the normal five?
Al gives Peggy a long look.
AL Uh, yeah. Anyway, I've got one of these Christmas Club things and uh, was able to save a
pretty penny this year. So, in addition to our annual Christmas feast at Denny's... this
year we're getting presents.
The other three Bundys react enthusiastically.
PEGGY Al, this isn't a joke is it? You know, like when we were dating and you said, "Stick
with me, babe, I'm really going places"?
AL Gee, I remember saying that; I just didn't think I said it to you. Oh, anyway. Christmas
is not the time for regrets, that's what anniversaries are for. Come on, let's all have
a little Christmas Whoa Bundy.
They cheer "Whoa Bundy!"
The doorbell rings.
AL That may be carollers; they may want something. Bud, hit the lights. Everybody down.
Al, Peggy and Kelly crouch on the floor. Bud turns off the lights and looks out the front door
BUD It's Mr and Mrs Rhoades. Shall I fix us up a stink bomb?
KELLY No. Let them in, they may have presents.
Bud turns the lights back on and open the door to Steve and Marcy. They all gleefully greet one
another with a hearty "Merry Christmas". As soon as Steve and Marcy step into the house, the
Bundys frisk them for presents. When they don't find anything, they react with disgust and sit
Marcy looks at her hand.
MARCY Okay, who's got my wedding ring?
One of the Bundys (Bud) throws her ring back to her.
MARCY Thank you.
She puts her ring back on.
STEVE Anyway, I just came over to say Merry Christmas, since I won't be here because of a
MARCY Yes. He's spending Christmas with Mommy, you know.
The Bundys all "aww."
STEVE Why can't you and Mother get along, Marcy?
MARCY The woman hangs her coat on me.
STEVE What about your mother and her little "Oops! Sorry, Steve, I didn't know you were in
Steve and Marcy look at each other sternly. Al smiles.
PEGGY Marcy, you want some coffee?
AL Hey, I want some coffee.
PEGGY [standing] Oh, I'm sorry, honey. There's only enough for two. Kids, you want any?
Peggy, Marcy, Kelly and Bud go into the kitchen. Steve sits next to Al.
STEVE Why are wives so jealous of the relationship between a man and his mother?
AL Ah, they see someone who cares for you and it eats them up.
STEVE Yep. My mom even left Marcy instructions on how to take care of me. Still, one week
after we were married, guess who was washing his own hair?
A car horn is heard.
STEVE Oh, that must be my taxi. Merry Christmas, honey. Come give me a kiss.
As Marcy runs over to Steve, his mother is heard calling out.
MOTHER [o.s.] Come on, Steve!
STEVE [immediately heading out the door] Coming, Mother!
Steve leaves without kissing Marcy goodbye.
MARCY The man's mother came from Cincinnati to pick him up?
BUD Boy, if Weenie Town ever needs a Mayor.
MARCY Peggy, what am I gonna do? We were supposed to go to the party at my bank tomorrow. I
can't go stag, what will people think?
AL Marcy, let me give you some advice.
Al joins Marcy and Peggy in the kitchen.
AL Don't spend time thinking about things you don't have. A good relationship, um... nice
hair... good disposition, a woman's body. Think instead about the things you do have.
And when you do, let me know 'cause I've drawn a total blank! Merry Christmas! [laughs]
PEGGY Al! [puts her arm around Marcy] Aw. Christmas is no time to make fun of someone whose
life is crumbling down around them. Do you know how many people with lives a lot better
than hers commit suicide this time of year? [Marcy looks down] Now, you should say
something nice to her, even if you don't mean it. [to Marcy] You look very nice, Marcy.
[to Al] You see?
Al cringes and turns away.
PEGGY [to Marcy] Now, I'll tell you what you should do. You should go to that party without
Steve. Get wild, get crazy. Pretend you're single again. Dance on the tabletops, chase
after men, rub your red hair up and down their chest like a feather duster, and then
reach out and -
Peggy stops when she realises everyone is staring at her.
PEGGY ... And say, "I'm married," and go home, like I would. [looks back at Al, laughing]
Peggy takes Marcy to the door.
MARCY I guess you're right. I'll go the party but I won't have any fun. This'll be the worst
Christmas I ever had. I'll wind up home alone, sitting the dark. That is, unless some
friends invite me over?
Peggy shuts the door on a saddened Marcy.
PEGGY Poor Marcy. I feel so bad for her. [getting immensely excited] So, Al, we're really
gonna get presents???
The Bundy run into the living room.
AL You betcha! Ha ha. I pick up the money tomorrow morning. Ah, this is gonna be the
greatest Bundy Christmas ever. [laughs]
Carollers are heard singing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" outside.
AL Hit the lights!
Bud turns off the lights. The Bundys crouch down behind the sofa.
CAROLLER We know you're in there.
The Bundys crouch further down so they are completely hidden from view.
Al and Peggy's bedroom.
Al is lying in bed. Peggy is heard calling suggestively from the bathroom.
PEGGY [o.s.] Oh, Al!
Peggy enters. She is wearing a red nightgown and has a huge green bow tied around her.
PEGGY Come unwrap your Christmas present.
AL [sitting up, excited] Where is it??
PEGGY It's me, you feeb.
AL Aw, Peg, how do you expect me to get excited when you just re-wrap the same old junk I
didn't play with the year before?
PEGGY [getting into bed] Oh, come on, Al. Thrill me as only you can. Show Mommy the Christmas
AL Okay, but just this once...
Al opens the bankbook to show Peggy, who has small orgasm.
PEGGY Again Al, again!
AL Ah, it's never enough, is it?
PEGGY Ohhh, you were fantastic. Let's cuddle.
She puts Al's arm around herself and reacts to the smell of his armpit.
PEGGY Ooh! Suppose a shower's out of the question, huh? I don't think deodorant is tough
enough to handle this baby. I'll get the bug spray.
Peggy goes into the bathroom.
Bud saunters into the room. He stops and does a cheesy fake smile. Al smiles back awkwardly.
BUD Dad, I couldn't sleep. I sense you're on the horns of a dilemma. Now, to wit, you have
two hundred and eighty dollars. But how do you split it up? Well, maybe I can help. You
see I hate to tell you this, Dad, but uh, Kelly doesn't love you. Never has, never will.
AL [playing along] But you do, don't you, Son?
BUD With all my heart and soul. But back to Kelly. Now how can we punish her? How? How? How?
I know! I bet spending all the money on me and nothing on her will fix her little red
wagon. So remember Dad, this year when you think Christmas - think Bud.
Bud kisses Al's forehead and leaves. Al sighs. A knock is heard.
AL [without looking at the door] Come in, Kelly.
Kelly comes in.
KELLY Hi, Daddy. Um, I just wanted to tell you I just got a call from the doctor and um, I'm
dying. Yep, I've got Bulgaria. The doctor says that it's terminus.
AL How much time do you have, Pumpkin?
KELLY Well, I've got 'til Christmas morning. And the only known cure is a good present. You
know, in the 250 to 275 price range?
AL Gee, then I wouldn't have any money to get Bud anything.
KELLY I know. But it's not like he loves you or anything. I mean, when I think of all the
times he's wished you dead... Oh well, I just wanted to tell you that, but whatever you
decide is okay by me.
Kelly does a weak cough.
Bud slinks back into the room.
BUD I thought I'd find you here. What are you doing?
KELLY Loving Daddy. What are you doing here?
BUD Saying "hi" to the man who gave me life and his name. Make way!
KELLY No, he's my Daddy!
Kelly and Bud fights over Al, while leaning on Al.
Peggy comes back into the room.
PEGGY What is going on here??
BUD Kelly's trying to pretend she loves Daddy!
KELLY Oh yeah? Well, Bud's trying to hog all of Daddy's money for himself.
PEGGY Oh, that's it. Both of you, out of here. Daddy is not stupid enough to believe you
really love him. Now just stop your whining. Go on, get out! Daddy's getting us all
presents. Go on!
Bud and Kelly leave. Kelly quickly kisses Al's hand and whacks Bud on the back before she does.
Peggy gets back into bed.
PEGGY You know, if I were you, I wouldn't get them anything. Because I'm the only one who
really loves you. Oh and by the way, Al, I just got a call from the doctor. I may be
Al pulls the covers over his head.
BUD More toaster shake'uns, Kel?
Bud shakes the crumbs from the toaster out onto two plates and gives one to Kelly. They sit and
eat their meal.
Peggy comes downstairs.
PEGGY Daddy gone?
KELLY Mom, it's noon.
PEGGY Only noon? God, I just couldn't sleep from all the excitement. [chuckles]
Peggy opens a drawer and produces a big sticky bun of some sort. She begins to take a bite, but
stops and throws the food in the bin. Kelly and Bud look on pitifully.
PEGGY Oh look, I can't even eat. I'm so excited. We're getting Christmas presents and on
BUD Well, Mom, I hate to put a damper on the festivities, but uh, since Dad's getting us
presents, shouldn't we get him something?
PEGGY God, never occurred to me. It takes the fun out of the whole thing.
KELLY Well, I'm not spending any of my money. I've got expenses.
BUD What, a new shipment of your favorite perfume come in, Kel? You know, Eau de Shore
KELLY Go swim in your sheets.
PEGGY Now kids, we said all this at Thanksgiving. What we've got to do is get Daddy some
presents. And as my mom always said, the best presents are in Dad's closet!
KELLY Well, I'm gonna give Daddy something that he's never used before: his toothbrush.
BUD And I'll get him his underwear.
PEGGY And as his wife, he deserves to get something special from me. I know, I'll get him his
winter coat that Buck's been sleeping on.
They look at Buck, who is lying on Al's coat on the stairs.
PEGGY This is gonna be the best Christmas ever!
The shoe store. The clock reads 2:30.
Al goes over to the store room. Outside, a mall Santa and some kids stop and look in at Al.
SANTA There he is, kids. The man who hit Santa. Tonight we'll all come back and egg his
KIDS Yeah, Santa!
Santa makes a rude gesture at Al and they run off. Al opens the door and calls out after him.
AL Anytime you want it, fat boy!
Al gets hit with a snowball. He goes back inside and checks his watch.
AL The bank. I gotta get to Marcy's bank!
Al fetches his coat. Just as he leaves, and elderly woman enters the store.
AL Oh, Ma'am, I'm sorry, we're closed. See, I've got to get to the bank by three o'clock.
WOMAN We won't be but a minute. [calling] Hurry up, Mama!
And even older (and slower) woman enters the store.
The clock now reads 2:50. Al is very anxious.
WOMAN Fourteen ninety-five, you say?
AL [hissing] Yes. Please hurry.
WOMAN Well, Mama has the money.
Mom looks into her purse.
MOM I don't have any money.
AL Well, who has it??
Mom turns slowly and calls out.
On screen text: Marcy's bank... 2:55. A pop version of "Deck the Halls" plays.
The bank is closed. The party is already in full swing. Everybody is dancing and drinking. Marcy,
wearing a Santa hat and holding a drink, is sitting atop an active photocopier. A man standing by
grabs the pieces of paper as they come out. A hot babe is dancing on the table. Another man
carries a laughing woman over his shoulder. An elderly man chases an elderly woman around the
bank with a piece of mistletoe on a stick. Al appears at the door and finds he can't get in. He
bangs on the door a few times. The guard at the door indicates that is three o'clock. Al points
at his watch and mouths something. Al sees the hot dancer and presses him nose against the glass.
Marcy dances very drunkenly around the room. She spots Al and waves to him. Someone hands Marcy a
drink. Marcy motions Al to wait for one moment. Al mouths "Oh, thank God." Marcy drinks, then
promptly passes out. Al bangs on the door again. The guard waves him off and presses a button.
The security shutter comes down and Al tries in vain to get attention. Marcy is still unconscious
on the floor.
Al, depressed, arrives back at the shoe store.
SANTA There he is, guys.
Al looks up, alarmed.
Five Santas come and beat Al up repeatedly with their Christmas sacks, then run off. Al does his
best to stand up again.
AL Needed some help, hey Horowitz? I guess you're not Santa enough to face me alone.
SANTA Remember, I know when you're sleeping.
AL And I know when you've had beans!
Al makes his way into the store. The clock now reads 3:30. Two people armed with presents pass
the store. Al imagines his family talking.
FAMILY [in Al's head] What did you get us for Christmas, Daddy?
AL [in Al's head] Well, family, the bank was closed. I have no money for presents. You
still love me though, right?
Al imagines a round of gun shots being fired. He sits down.
A woman named Midge and her son, Franklin, enter the store.
FRANKLIN I want toys!
MIDGE Oh, just a minute, honey. Mommy just wants to get some shoes, okay?
FRANKLIN Toys! toys! toys!
MIDGE [to Al] Oh, kids, you gotta love them.
MIDGE Put a cork in it, demon!
Franklin shuts up.
MIDGE Boy, what I wouldn't pay to get rid of him for an hour so I could shop in peace.
Al gets an idea.
A sign inside the store read "Uncle Al's Christmas Tot Lounge. You leave 'em, we love 'em."
A group of children, including Franklin and a girl named Denise, have been tied up with tinsel.
Al sits nearby counting the money he's earned. He hums "Winter Wonderland".
AL Shut up.
He continues humming and counting.
DENISE You'll never get away with this.
AL Oh won't I? You be quiet or I'll send you to the bathroom dungeon like lilt Bobby.
Al resumes humming and counting.
FRANKLIN Hey, Bundy, we want some entertainment.
AL Okay, I'll tell you a nice Christmas story. Gather 'round Uncle Al. [the kids attempt to
move, but can't] Alright, that's close enough. Alright, here we go:
T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
no food was a stirring, not even a mouse.
Stockings were hung 'round dad's neck like a tie,
along with a note that said "presents or die".
Children were plotting all night in their beds,
while the wife's constant whining was splitting his head.
But Daddy had money this year in the bank,
then they closed up early, now Dad's in the tank.
[a short time lapse]
...and all of a sudden Santa appeared,
a sneer on his face, booze in his beard.
"Santa," I said as he laughed merrily,
"you do so much for others, do something for me."
"Bundy," he said, "you only sell shoes,
your son is a sneak-thief, your daughter's a flooze.
Ho Ho," Santa said, "should I mention your wife?
Her hair's like an a-bomb, her nails like a knife."
And he climbs up the chimney, that fat piece of dung,
he mooned me two times, he stuck out his tongue.
And I heard him exclaim, as he broke wind with glee:
"You're married with children, you'll never be free."
The kids look bewildered.
AL Now, who wants to hear about the red-headed grinch who stole Uncle Al's life?
Bobby enters, with some parents.
BOBBY There he is!
DENISE He depressed us.
MIDGE Oh, you beast!
The mothers start beating Al up with their handbags.
Now Al is tied up with tinsel. Midge gives the money back to the other mothers.
MIDGE And here's your money back, and yours, and yours, and yours, and yours. Okay Franklin,
say goodbye to Uncle Al.
Franklin kicks Al in the shin.
MIDGE Oh, good boy!
She kisses Franklin and they leave.
An announcement comes over the mall's PA system.
PA Attention shoppers, the mall is now closing so that our merchants can get home and be
with their loving families. Thank you for shopping with us. Merry Christmas and good
Al, alone, hangs his head.
END OF PART ONE
TO BE CONTINUED...
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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