WHO'LL STOP THE RAIN?
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Buck the Dog............Buck
No guest cast.
The Bundy's bedroom.
Al and Peggy are sitting in bed watching the rain outside. It is also thundering and lightning.
Peggy is spraying perfume on herself in hope of turning Al on.
AL Boy, I love the rain. Have ever since I was a little boy. Dad used to say rain is the
sound of Angels flushing. Goodnight, Peg.
PEGGY Oh Allll...
Peggy walks her fingers up Al's arm and looks at him hopefully. Al cringes.
AL Oh no, Peg, I'm tired.
PEGGY Oh come on, honey, you don't have to be awake. Just the usual "I'm done how 'bout you?"
will be fine.
Al doesn't say anything.
PEGGY Oh, come on. Look. Let's compromise. [reaches over Al to get the alarm clock from his
bedside table] I'll set the alarm clock for two. [she does so] That way you can get a
little rest, and I'll while away the time listening to your body ferment.
Peggy puts the clock back on his bedside table.
AL Great, I'm the only guy in the world who has to wake up to have a nightmare. Goodnight,
PEGGY Goodnight. I'll see you at two.
She turns over and pulls the covers over her then Al creeps his arm over to the clock and turns
off the alarm. Then he is about to go to sleep then drops of water from the ceiling begin hitting
him on the face. Al reacts and gets Peg's attention.
AL Peg. Peg!
Peggy turns around.
AL Peg, the roof's leaking, it's raining on the bed!
PEGGY Well, it's nice and dry on my side, honey.
AL You mean you'd switch with me Peg?
PEGGY No. Oh, come on, Al, let's do it! Show Mommy you can beat the lightning!
She leans over him.
AL I'm gonna fix the roof.
PEGGY Now why would you go up there when you can stay here and fix me?
AL Because when I'm done, the roof won't ask me to fix it again!
Al gets out of bed and leaves the room. Peggy sits up, straightens the covers, crosses her arms
and calls for the kids.
PEGGY Bud! Kelly!
Bud enters with a baseball bat, Kelly with a saucepan, thinking there may be a burglar.
BUD What is it, Mom. Creditors?
KELLY I'll go boil the water.
PEGGY No, no, no, not this time. Now, sit down, kids.
Bud and Kelly sit on the bed.
PEGGY Now, look. I know sometimes you feel you don't see enough of your dad, and he may be to
busy to care for us. Well, get ready. 'Cause your father is about to do something that
we'll never forget. And I want us all to enjoy it as a family. Now just look over at
that window, abooouuuuttt... NOW!
At that moment, Al falls off the roof, yelling as he does so. Peggy, Kelly and Bud applaud him.
PEGGY OK, kids, back to bed.
BUD Oh. Thanks, Mom. Tell Dad he was cool.
The kids start to leave but stop in the doorway
KELLY You know, I'm going to do something special for him. I'm going to give him back his
BUD But not the cash...
KELLY We didn't see him land!
Downstairs, Al is heard moaning "ow". Peggy gets her perfume, sprays it on herself, then takes
the top off and tips it out all over Al's side of the bed. She then grabs the clock and resets
PEGGY One fifty-seven.
She turns the alarm on and waits.
Al comes back in and takes off his raincoat, holding his head in pain.
PEGGY Oh, honey, you fell.
AL Yes, Cupcake. I fell.
Al climbs into bed. Peggy makes a kissy face at him.
AL But obviously not far enough.
PEGGY Poor baby. You must be hurt. Why don't you go to sleep now?
Al and Peggy lie back. Al sighs with relief then the alarm goes off Al looks up in horror, Peggy
sits up all happy. Al turns off the alarm.
PEGGY Well, I'll be darned. Is it two already??
Peggy lies flat on her back.
PEGGY All aboard!!
Al just stares at her.
The living room.
Peggy, Bud and Kelly are standing at the backdoor. It is still raining. Peggy walks over to the
PEGGY Boy, look at that rain come down. Not fit for man or beast.
She sits on the couch. Al comes down the stairs wearing his raincoat and a tool belt, ready to go
back on the roof again.
AL Alright! Who's going up with me? Besides Bud.
Bud stares at him.
BUD Dad, if you really want someone to go up one the roof with you, they'd have to be a total
Bud sits on the couch.
KELLY Oh no, I'm not going up there.
PEGGY Al, be sensible. Just call a professional roofer.
AL There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We've lost our spirit for self
reliance. Something's leaking - call someone. Something's broken - call someone. One of
the kids suffers a ruptured appendix - call someone. Whatever happened to the old
American spirit of "I can fix it myself." Whatever happened to rugged American manhood?
BUD We don't know yet, Dad, Kelly's tests aren't back from the lab.
KELLY Chew Dad's sock.
BUD Eat Mom's food!
AL You're missing the point here! I want to inspire you guys to great heights! Bud, you
could be a doctor or a lawyer. Kelly... [looks at her] you could... button your own
coat! I want you to see what one Bundy can accomplish. I want you to say "There's no
task Daddy can't do!"
PEGGY Then they better not ask me!
AL Dent a cushion, Peg. Anyhow, guys. Bundy men have always been masters of their fate.
Remember Grandpa Bundy? He sure knew his way around a tool box. There was a fixin' man!
BUD You mean Grandpa Hook?
AL Well, circular saws were new back then! But damnit, he carved his own hook afterwards;
he carried on. Let's see him calling someone.
PEGGY Well, it would've been difficult for him to hold the phone. You know, he only had one
finger left on his other hand, after that mix up with the nail gun.
AL One finger is all a real American needs. Scoff if you will! But Grandpa Hook's blood
runs in my veins. I will fix this roof and show you all that Daddy can do it.
Al goes outside.
KELLY Does this mean that Daddy's too cheap to call a roofer?
PEGGY Now honey, let's give your father some credit. He may just be too stupid. Now we all know
Daddy's going to fall. You know what you have to do.
KELLY Get the camera.
BUD Get the camera.
PEGGY No. We actually have enough pictures of Daddy on the floor in the wedding album. Go get
the old wading pool out of the garage. Paint "Here comes Stupid" on the bottom of it,
and hold it under him.
BUD Well, that pool's kinda old, won't Dad just fall right through it?
KELLY We'll just hold it closer to the ground. God, you're a moron!
She gets up and walks away.
Peggy is on the couch, looking at some stuff. Bud and Kelly are in raincoats holding the wading
pool outside, ready to catch Al if he falls. Marcy enters with an umbrella and a plastic bag.
MARCY Peggy? You won't believe the good news. Steve just called. He finally got a job. He
sounded very excited.
PEGGY Well what's he going to be doing?
MARCY I don't know, but I bet it's big! He sounded like the old Steve on the phone. Confident,
proud, money-grubbing. Oh, I can't wait to see him. His tie swinging erectly in the wind.
His taut buttocks yearning to break free from their Gabardine bonds... Peggy, I finally
have my Steve back! So here, I'm returning your shower massage.
Marcy hands Peggy the plastic bag.
PEGGY Oh. If only it could take out the garbage, huh?
Steve enters with a shoebox over his head, wet from the rain.
STEVE Oh, hello, Marcy, I'm glad you're here.
Marcy runs over to him and hugs him.
MARCY Bring that second income to Mommy! How much are you making?
STEVE Now, Marcy, it's not how much you make, it's how meaningful the work is to you.
Marcy stops hugging him.
MARCY Sure it is. How much?
She hugs him again.
STEVE Well, actually, [somewhat proudly] I'm making 3 dollars and 40 cents an hour!
Marcy stops hugging Steve.
MARCY What do yo do? Dance in the park in your underwear?
STEVE You happen to be looking at the new pet handler and executive cage cleaner at Slithers!
America's fifth largest exotic pet emporium.
Peggy offers the shower massage back to Marcy.
PEGGY AHEM. I guess you'll be wanting this back.
STEVE Oh Marcy, it's the greatest job in the world! And I brought home a little friend.
Steve opens the shoebox. Marcy looks in it and cringes.
STEVE Now, Scoopie is a Peruvian Devil Gerbil. But don't let the name fool you, he really is
quite harmless. Only the female of the species is actually poisonous.
Steve walks over to the couch and sits on it, and Peggy looks in the box.
PEGGY Oh, isn't he cute! Bud, Kelly! Come see this!
Bud and Kelly drop the pool and come inside, removing their hoods. Al then screams and falls off
the roof and crash lands on the pool. Bud and Kelly take no notice.
BUD What is that, Mom?
KELLY Oh cool, food!
BUD I'll get the mayo!
STEVE Hey hey hey hey. This is not food, you druids! This is love on paws. Look.
Bud and Kelly poke Scoopie.
PEGGY You must be very proud, Marcy.
MARCY Proud as punch! Why, Steve, this is just the beginning. With hard work and study, you
can actually work your way up to cleaning up the doodie of even bigger animals. Maybe
STEVE Now, come on, Marcy. Just let him rest on your shoulder. Bond with him!
Steve puts a small fluffy white thing on Marcy's shoulder and it falls down her back. Marcy
moves to the other side of the room, twitching as she does so.
MARCY Eugh, Steve, he's crawling down my blouse! He's biting me!!
STEVE Oh Marcy, if he's biting you, it'd be a lot more painful, you'd be screaming and
Marcy screams at the top of her lungs and sprints outside; Steve opens the door for her.
STEVE Marcy, he's just playing! DON'T ROLL ON THE LAWN, YOU'LL HURT HIM!!!
Steve runs out after her. Peggy gets up and runs to the door.
PEGGY Oh, poor Marcy!
Al comes crawling in from outside.
AL Help me!
PEGGY Oh, I wish there was something we could do for her, I hate to see people in pain.
AL I'm dying!
PEGGY Al, you're tracking mud on the carpet.
Peggy sits back on the couch and Al stumblingly gets up.
AL Well, it's not all mud. Some of it's colon!
KELLY So, did you fix the roof, Daddy?
AL No, Pumpkin, I didn't. When I got up there, I saw this hole, but I figured it'd be more
fun to take a header off the roof into the yard. Of course I fixed it! I said I'll fix
it and I fixed it! So I guess we all know what Daddy can do now!
The roof over which Al is standing starts to leak. Al cringes and mouths "Oh no".
BUD Loser no more, eh, Dad? Can we call a roofer now?
AL No we can't. I'm going back up there. But this I'm going up with the right equipment.
PEGGY A Wile E. Coyote mask?
AL No, my love. The thing to do is to have the right shoe.
KELLY And the left one too, Dad.
AL Thank you, honey. Now, damnit, I said I'd fix this roof, and fix it I will! This is one
man against nature and that man happens to be Al Bundy. And as God as my witness, I
shall never be wet again!
There are 5 bowls and buckets with water dripping into them. Al and Peg are sitting up in bed,
Al with a frying on his head because of another leak. Peggy is going along with the 'tune' that
the raindrops are making. She starts singing.
PEGGY [singing] I got sunshine. On a cloudy day. When it's cold outside -
AL Shut up, Peg.
PEGGY How many holes did you put on the roof by walking on it in spiked golf shoes? [Al makes
a face] Oh, and honey, this time on your way down, you took out our TV antenna!
AL Sorry, Peg, but I needed something to break my fall. Since there was no live wire or
your neck handy, I grabbed the first thing that hit my face.
PEGGY Now our reception is shot to hell.
AL Well, I'm sorry, Peg.
Al throws out the water in the frying pan onto the floor.
AL Had I known you wanted to watch Dallas tonight, I would've just put my hands behind my
back and slalom head first under the patio.
PEGGY Are you ready to give up yet?
AL I am not! Just so happens I have three unbroken bones left. I'll see y'all, I'll see
y'all drown before I quit. Goodnight, Peg.
PEGGY Goodnight, honey. Turn out the light.
Peggy turns over to her and Al reaches out to turn out the light and gets electrocuted. He
becomes unconscious. Peggy doesn't notice.
PEGGY Oh, and be careful, Al. [smells the air] God, it smells like ham in here!
The living room. There are buckets everywhere.
Peggy is sitting at the kitchen table with an umbrella over her head so she doesn't get rained
on. She has a glass in her hand, so she moves aside and holds the empty glass under some rain
drops to fill it up. Bud and Kelly are sitting on the couch. Bud is wearing sunglasses. He
laughs and points at the TV.
KELLY Bud, what are you laughing at? There's nothing but snow on the TV.
BUD Gee, looks great to me! Too bad you don't have the special TV Reception Adaptor Glasses
like I do.
KELLY Well, I wanna see TV too.
BUD You can't. I've only got one pair. [sneakingly] Would you ah, like to buy mine?
KELLY How much?
BUD For you... twenty bucks.
KELLY I don't trust you.
BUD Fine. Hey! The new Guns N' Roses video is coming on! Does Axl ever wear a shirt?
Kelly can't stand it any longer so she gets 20 dollars from her pocket and gives it to Bud.
KELLY Gimme. Aha!
She takes the glasses and puts them on, looks at the TV and her smile fades.
KELLY Hey, I don't see anything!
BUD Oh great, you broke them. Now neither of us can watch TV.
Bud shakes out his money slyly and goes upstairs. Kelly compares looking at the TV with and
without the glasses.
KELLY Hey, Mom, I broke my reception glasses.
PEGGY Well, be more careful next time.
KELLY Can't we call someone who can fix the roof and the TV?
Peggy stands and folds up the umbrella.
PEGGY Oh honey. Your Dad wants to take one more shot at it. And if I stopped your father every
time he failed, we never would've had you or Bud!
Al comes down the stairs dressed in his football protective gear, a rubber tire around his waist
and has suction caps on the bottoms of his feet. He looks ridiculous.
AL I'm ready. What do you think of Daddy now?
PEGGY Gee Al, you built a Moron-on-the-Roof suit.
AL Good luck, you say? Don't need it. I'm cushioned by your love. I will now proceed to fix
the roof AND the TV! And prove once again, that with intelligence and vision one man
alone can face any challenge. [he tries to move his feet, but is now firmly stuck to the
floor] Now, if someone would just rock me to break the suction, I'll be on my way.
Peggy rocks him and the suction breaks. Al stomps over to the back door and goes outside.
PEGGY [to Kelly] I think "wow" just about covers it.
Steve enters, soaked from the rain.
STEVE Ah Peggy. Marcy had a little reaction to the Peruvian Devil Gerbil bite. By the way, I
goofed, I took home the poisonous one. But that's spilt milk. Anyway, she's a little self
conscious. Could you just reassure her she looks perfectly okay? [calls outside] Come
show Peggy, honey.
Marcy enters holding an umbrella. She has a enormous lump on her back and her eyes are squinting
and blinking. And she is trembling. Peggy can't believe it.
STEVE Now, I ask you. Is there any reason this woman should not go to work?
Peggy doesn't know what to say.
PEGGY Ah, gee, Marcy, you look... fine. Very natural. What do you think, Kelly?
KELLY I don't know, I've never really looked at her before.
MARCY I have a hump, you bimbo!
KELLY Didn't you always?
Marcy starts to advance on Kelly but Steve restrains her.
STEVE Marcy, why don't we get to the real reason you're angry here? It's not that awful,
disgusting, pus-filled hump at all! It's your small spirit. You're just jealous because
I'm pursuing my dream.
MARCY What dream would that be, Steve? To have a wife named Igor?
Al falls off the roof again, along with the ladder, outside the back door.
MARCY What was that!?
PEGGY Oh, pay no attention, that's just Al falling off the roof. but I'm really concerned about
the two of you. [Al gets up and waves his fist at the roof] I mean, there's no reason for
a hunchback and a doodie scooper to fight! Now, aren't you ashamed?
Steve and Marcy hang their heads.
MARCY I'm sorry, Steve. Let's go home and cuddle.
STEVE After you, my love.
Steve hands her the umbrella and Marcy leaves. Steve waits, then walks out after her, hunchback
like. Peggy closes the door and sits on the couch. Bud comes downstairs.
BUD Hey, Mom, should we be worried that Daddy's up there with metal tools in a lightning
PEGGY Well, who wants to go tell him?
BUD Well, I'd catch a cold! No.
KELLY My hair will get all messed up...
PEGGY Then I'll hear no more about it.
KELLY Mom, why can't we call a roofer? I mean, if it gets any wetter here, the whole house is
gonna look like Bud's bed.
Peggy looks up at the roof.
PEGGY Hey, wait a minute, kids. It's stopped leaking!
BUD You mean, Dad actually did it?
He runs to the back door.
BUD Hey, Dad! The roof's stopped leaking!
AL [o.s.] Was there ever any doubt??
PEGGY [with the remote in her hand] Honey! Don't forget to fix the antenna!
AL [o.s.] No problem! Daddy can do it! ... How is it?
PEGGY Still fuzzy!
AL [o.s.] How about now?
PEGGY Oh, it's better! Keep doing what you're doing!
AL [o.s.] How about NOW-HOW-HOW-OW-OW!!!
Al is all tangled up in the antenna and comes crashing down, but is left dangling outside the
backdoor. The others don't notice him.
PEGGY It's perfect, Al!! Oh, you know, kids, we ridiculed him and made fun of him...
AL HELP ME!
PEGGY But you know, this time we have to admit: Daddy did it.
AL Help! Help me.
Bud puts arm around Peggy and the three of them watch TV happily while Al is still left dangling
outside in the rain.
EXECTUTIVE PRODUCERS: RON LEAVITT & MICHAEL G. MOYE
DIRECTED BY: GERRY COHEN
WRITTEN BY: KEVIN CURRAN
CREATED BY: MICHAEL G. MOYE & RON LEAVITT
CO-PRODUCED BY: BABARA BLACHUT CRAMER
CASTING BY: TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A.
EXECTUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING: RICK JACOBS
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS & MUSIC BY SMMY CAHN & JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISION: MICHAEL ANDREAS
PRODUCTION DESIGNER: DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR: RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: RICHARD DRANEY
STAGE MANAGERS: STEPHANIE SCOTT & SAL BALDAMAR
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT:KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: SUSAN JANG
EDITED BY: LARRY HARRIS
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: SAM W. ORENDER
DIRECTOR OF PHOTGRAPHY: THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO: LAURA OSBORNE
RERECORDING: MARTI D. HUMPHREY
COSTUMES: MARTI MASAMITSO
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
HAIR: DOTTIE McQUOWN
MAKE-UP: NINA KENT
DOG TRAINER: STEVEN RITT
PRODUCTION SUPERVISED BY: FRAN McCONNEL
PRODUCTION CONSULTANTS: DEBROAH CURTAN & EDUARDO CERVANTES
COPYRIGHT (C) 1989
ELP Communications is the author of this film/motion picture for purchases of Article
15(2) to the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effect thereto.
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
a unit of Columbia Pictures Entertainment, Inc.
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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home on the range