FINAL DRAFT SCRIPT:
October 18, 1989
Michael G. Moye
Marcy Vosburgh & Sandy Sprung
Ellen L. Fogle
AN ELP COMMUNICATIONS PRODUCTION
AL BUNDY ........................ ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ..................... KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES ................... DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES ................... AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY ..................... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY ....................... DAVID FAUSTINO
BUCK, THE DOG ................... BUCK, THE DOG
PEAMON .......................... RAY REINHARDT
MUFFY ........................... KARI WHITMAN
SWENSEN ......................... KERRY BURKE
SHERIFF ......................... DAN TULLIS JR.
FARMER .......................... R. LEO SCHREIBER
STAGE HAND (O.S.) ............... RICHARD DRANEY
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY
(WE OPEN CLOSE ON PEGGY AT THE DOOR. BUD AND KELLY WATCH)
PEGGY Oh, come on. I really don't spend that much. Can't I keep just one of my credit
cards? I'll make you a sandwich.
(WIDEN TO SEE SHE'S HANDING HER CREDIT CARDS OVER TO A SHERIFF)
SHERIFF I'm sorry, ma'am. I had a couple of donuts this morning, waiting for a jumper to
make up his mind. The cards, please.
(PEGGY GIVES HIM HER LAST CARD)
PEGGY Okay. Fine. But you should be ashamed. You have nothing better to do than harass me
when there are real criminals out there? I mean, my husband alone has over a hundred
unpaid parking tickets. But I guess my husband is right. You are too stupid to
(THE SHERIFF MAKES A NOTE. PEGGY WATCHES)
SHERIFF (WRITING) That's Al Bundy, right?
PEGGY Uh huh. Don't tell him you got it from me. Is there any reward for turning him in?
(HE SHAKES HIS HEAD AND EXITS)
PEGGY Creep. (THEN) Let this be a lesson, kids. Marry someone who can afford you.
(THE KIDS NOD)
KELLY Was there ever a time Daddy could have made something of his life?
PEGGY There was a moment back before you were born when we were watching TV and he said "I
wish there was some way to change the channel from my seat." That's as close as he
KELLY It's still not a bad idea.
BUD (TO PEGGY) And you were worried because she was six before she could talk.
KELLY (DEFENSIVE) I had just turned six.
PEGGY Hi, honey. How was your day?
AL Hey, I came home. How good could it have been? But luckily I was able to cheer up the
guys at the gas station. See, after I filled up the old war wagon, I gave 'em my
credit card and they brought out the old switchblade and cut it up. Then we all
laughed and they gave me a hose and made me suck the gas back out of my car. But I got
the last laugh. I swallowed about fifty cents worth.
PEGGY Let's take your mind off it. Here are your bills.
(HANDS AL BILLS. HE REACTS. SHE MASSAGES HIS SHOULDERS)
PEGGY Gee, you're tight.
AL Ed McMahon says I may owe him ten million dollars?
PEGGY Oh, what are the chances of it being you?
(AL REACTS AND OPENS A BILL)
AL Ah, the phone bill. Hey, good news. We qualify for the gold bill.
(PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD REACT EXCITEDLY, SLAPPING EACH OTHER FIVE)
AL Peg, can we keep the festivities till after I'm dead? (READS) "Milwaukee, Milwaukee,
Milwaukee..." I believe that's the town they built around your mother, isn't it, Peg?
AL Look at these toll calls. Who dialed the "Lust Line"?
(THEY ALL STARE AT BUD)
BUD It's not what you think, Dad. It's just naked girls talking dirty to me on the phone.
AL Well, that's okay, then. Now, how about the three pages of calls to the heavy metal
(KELLY LOOKS AROUND, THEN)
KELLY That might have been me, Daddy. But I was saving you money.
AL And how were you doing that, Pumpkin?
KELLY (PROUD) Well, they said it was three dollars for the first minute and then fifty cents
for each additional minute. So rather than get charged extra, I'd hang up after a
minute and then call back.
(SHE STICKS HER TONGUE OUT AT BUD, THEN LOOKS TO AL FOR APPROVAL. AL BURIES HIS FACE IN HIS
PEGGY At least she's trying, Al.
(AL PICKS HIS HEAD UP, STARES AT HER, THEN AT KELLY, THEN AT BUD. THEN)
AL (SOBS) Oh, God.
PEGGY We're sorry you had a bad day, honey. Would you like some dinner?
PEGGY Gee, I was hoping you'd say "No". We don't have anything.
BUD Hey, Dad. Mrs. Donnelly called. Her slipper won't fit over her bunion and she wants to
know what should she do?
AL Start walking on all fours like God intended her to. Why can't people leave me alone?
You know, if I had a dime for every time they call me for shoe advice... Wait a minute!
I have a vision. I think I have a way to make a fortune. Anybody want to hear it?
(THEY ALL STARE AT HIM. PEGGY YAWNS)
AL All right. I'll give you a hint. What do I do better than anybody else?
KELLY Stink up a shoe?
BUD Sweat through the couch?
PEGGY Miss the toilet in the dark?
(AL STARTS UPSTAIRS)
KELLY Have morning breath all day long?
BUD Fit your whole hand in your ear?
PEGGY Scratch your back with my toothbrush?
KELLY Collect lint in your navel?
(PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD WALLA, "WHAT ELSE, WHAT ELSE?")
INT. STEVE'S BANK - NEXT DAY
(A GRAPH ENTITLED "HAWAII CONTEST" STANDS ON EASEL. THE SIGN ALSO READS, "DEADLINE TWO P.M."
WE SEE A CLOCK. IT IS GETTING CLOSE TO TWO. STEVE, AT HIS DESK, WATCHES AN ELDERLY MAN IN
OVERALLS SIGN PAPERS)
FARMER Thank you, Mr. Rhoades. Your loan saved our farm.
(STEVE USHERS HIM OUT)
STEVE Well, you know our motto. Pay us or we'll shoot your pigs. (LAUGHS) Just kidding. Get
(THE FARMER EXITS. STEVE RUSHES TO A GRAPH OF LOANS AND EXTENDS HIS LINE ON THE GRAPH)
STEVE I'm in the lead. I'm in the lead. I'm going to Hawaii.
(AL ENTERS AND CROSSES TO STEVE)
AL Hey, Steve. I'm glad I caught you. I need a loan. See, I'm about to become a major
player, and I figured, us being friends and all, I'd give you first crack at owning
fifty percent of Al Bundy.
STEVE Here's five bucks. I'll take seventy-five percent.
AL Do you want to hear my idea or not?
AL Okay, here it is. You ready?
AL Okay. I'm gonna buy my own toll line. But this is one toll number that no one's ever
(AL LOOKS AROUN, THEN, IMPORTANTLY)
AL Five-Five-Five-SHOE. What do you think?
AL No, really. What do you think?
STEVE (TO ROOM) Hey, guys. (POINTS TO AL) Five-Five-Five-SHOE.
AL So are you gonna lend me the money?
(STEVE POINTS AT HIM AND LAUGHS)
AL Y'know, you sound just like all the other banks I've been to. Well, I'll get the
money. I won't stop until my face is synonymous with foot problems.
(AS AL STARTS AWAY, SWENSEN, ANOTHER BANKER, HULAS OVER TO THE CONTEST GRAPH)
SWENSEN Hey, Rhoades.
(HE DRAWS HIS GRAPH HIGHER THAN STEVE'S)
SWENSEN I just loaned another seventy-five grand. That puts me up by forty thou, with two
minutes to go. Aloha, Rhoades.
(STEVE CHECKS THE CLOCK AND RUNS AFTER AL. HE STOPS HIM AND HERDS HIM BACK TO HIS DESK)
STEVE Where are you going, Al? You don't know high finance at all, do you? See, I say no,
you convince me.
AL Well, Steve...
STEVE You convinced me. What do you need?
AL Eighteen thousand.
STEVE That's not enough. I want you to have fifty. (SEES CLOCK) Sign this. We'll fill in the
(AL SIGNS WITH A FLOURISH. STEVE GRABS IT, RUNS TO THE GRAPH AND MARKS IT)
SFX: BELL RINGS
(STEVE INDICATES THE GRAPH)
STEVE I won! I won! (CALLS OUT) Tiny bubbles up your nose, Swensen.
(STEVE STARTS TO HULA AS THE BANK PRESIDENT, MR. PEAMON, ENTERS)
PEAMON Rhoades, I want to talk to you.
STEVE Yes, sir, Mr. Peamon. Right away, sir. (TO AL) Get lost, Al. It's the President.
(AL SHAKES PEAMON'S HAND)
AL (TO PEAMON) I voted for you.
(PEAMON REACTS. AL EXITS)
STEVE What did you want to see me about, sir?
PEAMON Rhoades, do you know how many loans you've written this year that have gone bad?
STEVE One or two?
STEVE Well, I guess that gives me something to think about while I'm on that beach in Hawaii.
PEAMON Well, I hope your zeal to win that trip hasn't affected your judgement. For example,
let's talk about the loan that put you over the top.
STEVE Uh, yes, sir. The Bundy loan. Solid as they come.
PEAMON You really believe in that loan?
STEVE With my heart and soul, sir.
PEAMON Would you put your job on the line for it?
STEVE No, sir.
PEAMON Then I will. If this Bundy doesn't come through, you're fired.
(PEAMON EXITS. AL ENTERS)
AL Hey, Steve, I forgot something. Who do you call to get one of those toll lines,
(STEVE MOANS AND PUTS HIS HEAD ON HIS DESK)
END OF ACT ONE
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - A FEW NIGHTS LATER
(WE SEE A BANK OF PHONES SET OUT ON THE KITCHEN TABLE. STEVE IS ON THE COUCH, HOLDING HIS
HEAD. THE FAMILY STARES AT THE PHONES)
AL Hey, I'm telling you, this idea is going to make us a fortune. Right, Steve?
PEGGY Al, no one is stupid enough to call a shoe hot-line.
AL Oh, yeah? Well, in school, everyone said "No one is stupid enough to marry the big
redhead", but someone was, wasn't he?
KELLY It's Daddy's commercial. It's coming on.
(THEY GATHER ROUND THE SET AND PUMP UP THE SOUND)
SFX: TV ON
(AL, DRESSED AS A DOCTOR, SITS BY THE PHONE)
AL Hi. I'm Dr. Shoe. The man on the side of your feet.
BACK TO THE LIVING ROOM
(AL LOOKS PROUD)
STEVE I'm a goner.
AL Excuse me. I'm getting a call.
(HE REACHES FOR THE PHONE. IT DOESN'T RING. HE HESITATES. LOOKS O.S. HE SHRUGS, PICKS UP THE
PHONE, THEN IT RINGS)
AL (INTO PHONE) Hello, Dr. Shoe.
(AL'S PICTURE IS PUSHED OUT OF PLACE BY MUFFY, A BEAUTIFUL, SEXILY DRESSED, HIGH-HEELED GIRL
IN A BED, TALKING INTO A PHONE)
MUFFY Oh, Dr. Shoe, I don't know what to do! I'm going to a party in five minutes and my
shoes are too tight for both of my feet. Ouch. Can you help me?
(AL STEPS INTO SCENE AND SPEAKS TO CAMERA)
AL Has this ever happened to you? I'm willing to bet it has. As a matter of fact, I'm
betting fifty thousand bucks it has. So if you're anything like Muffy, here, ...
(HE STROKES HER HAIR)
AL ... or even if you're fat and ugly, and you've got a shoe problem, call me on the
Shoe Line. Can I help? Shoe-Betcha.
MUFFY I feel better already.
AL And don't forget, se habla Shoe.
BACK TO LIVING ROOM
(AS THE OTHERS SIT, STUNNED, AL TURNS OFF THE TV. EVERYONE STARES AT AL)
AL I see you're all looking at me a little differently now. Okay. Man your positions by
the phones. Research shows that ninety-eight percent of the calls happen in the first
three minutes. Let's go. Let's go.
(THEY ALL GET IN POSITIONS BY THE PHONE, AL WITH HIS HAND POISED TO ANSWER IT)
INSERT: CLOCK SHOWS NINE P.M.
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - NIGHT
INSERT: CLOCK SHOWS TWELVE A.M.
(AL STILL POISED OVER PHONE. KELLY AND BUD ARE ASLEEP ON THE COUCH. PEGGY IS SITTING AT THE
TABLE. STEVE SITS, EYES WIDE OPEN IN SHOCK)
PEGGY Al, let's just say for a minute this shoe line doesn't work. Now, I'm not being
negative, mind you, it's just that no one called today, and no one will call in a
million years. So honey, just out of curiosity, what did you use as collateral?
AL The only thing we have.
PEGGY Our plunger with a hundred thousand miles on it?
AL That's right, keep on stroking me, Peg. No, this is where I made my most brilliant
move. All I had to do is sign over the house.
PEGGY Good, honey. I was getting sick of living indoors.
(SHE GOES TO WAKE KELLY AND BUD)
PEGGY Come on, kids. It's almost midnight.
(THEY GET UP. BUD EXITS UPSTAIRS. KELLY WALKS OUT THE FRONT DOOR)
AL Steve. You haven't given up on me, have you?
(STEVE STARES BLANKLY AHEAD)
AL Atta boy, Buddy. See, if I had married Steve, I might've been something today.
(AL PICKS UP THE PHONE)
AL (INTO PHONE) Dr. Shoe.
PEGGY It's the doorbell, Al.
AL Well, I'm on the phone. Get it, will ya? (INTO PHONE) Dr. Shoe. Hello?
(PEGGY CROSSES TO THE DOOR. SHE STOPS AND STARES AT AL PICKING UP ALL THE PHONES)
PEGGY (MUTTERS) The government should be paying us. I mean, if he's not disabled, no one is.
(PEGGY OPENS THE DOOR TO MARCY. MARCY CROSSES TO STEVE)
MARCY Well, Steve. You told me not to yell at you about the loan until midnight. Then I'd
see. What am I seeing?
AL (INTO EACH PHONE) Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?
(HE HANGS UP AND PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS)
MARCY Well, Steve?
PEGGY He hasn't spoken in hours, Marcy.
MARCY (TO STEVE) Don't pull that coma stuff with me, Steven.
(STEVE SIGHS AND TURNS TO MARCY)
MARCY You loaned this man fifty thousand dollars? That's a thousand dollars an I.Q. point.
And I can't blame Al. A man gives a gun to a chimp and the chimp shoots someone, you
don't blame the chimp.
AL Hey, that was a hidden cut at me, wasn't it? Well, let me tell you something. The
opera ain't over till the last heterosexual falls asleep. This idea will work.
MARCY How many calls did you get tonight, Al?
AL Dr. Shoe's files are confidential.
MARCY None! You got none!
AL Sure, none today. But tomorrow I'll have twice as many.
MARCY This is what you loaned money to?
STEVE I wanted to go to Hawaii.
MARCY Well, Steve. I guess, much like our honeymoon, it's up to me to finish the job and pay
the bill. Al, I'm going to lend you fifty thousand dollars.
PEGGY We're rich! We're rich!
AL I told you I could do it, Peg.
MARCY Oh, shut up! It's so you can repay the loan and the human dribble glass can keep his
job. I've got a good record at my bank. I can bury one bad loan. Al, I'll be over in
the morning with the paperwork. (TO STEVE) Let's go, Steve. Come home and service me.
And God help you if you screw that up.
(MARCY STARTS OUT)
STEVE (TO AL) This is your fault. You should have to go.
STEVE Yes, dear.
(STEVE AND MARCY EXIT)
PEGGY Boy, if you had to service me every time you did something stupid I'd be as flat as an
all beef patty. Well, at least this stupid idea didn't cost us anything.
AL No, Peg. It doesn't cost Steve anything. We still owe fifty thousand dollars, but it's
just to another bank. So I'll be broke and living in the gutter. But Peg, will I still
PEGGY Of course, Al. You know I'd never leave you.
AL Then I truly have nothing. Well, I'm not going to roll over and play dead.
PEGGY Yes. Please save something for when we go to bed.
AL No, my little thumbscrew. I'm getting an idea. Instead of paying Steve back, I'm
going to re-invest in my Shoe Line. Al Bundy is not going into the gutter owing fifty
thousand dollars. I'm going into the gutter owing a hundred thousand dollars.
That's the kind of man you married.
INSERT TELEVISION COMMERCIAL
AL Hi, I'm Dr. Shoe. Some time ago, I advertised my Shoe Line, but apparently you weren't
watching. So I'm back. You can't tell me you haven't bought defective shoes. I know.
I sell them! So, ... (HOLDS UP SIGN) ... call Five-Five-Five-SHOE. Even if there's
nothing wrong and you just want to talk about feet. Call. I mean it. This is not a
recorded message, I am a human being, dammit. That's Five-Five-Five-SHOE. Let's go!
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN
(AL POISED AT PHONE. NOTHING. THE FAMILY STARES AT HIM)
INSERT TELEVISION COMMERCIAL
AL Hi, Dr. Shoe again. I've been telling you about my Shoe Line, and nobody cares. So let
me mention something. Five-Five-Five-SHOE also spells... (HOLDS UP SIGN)
Five-Five-Five-RIND, PINF and RGNE. Call me up. I'll talk about them.
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN
(AL STARES AT PHONE. NOTHING. THE FAMILY STARES AT HIM. SO DO STEVE AND MARCY)
INSERT TELEVISION COMMERCIAL
AL Hello, it's Dr. Shoe again. I've made several pleas and nobody's called. So let's cut
the crap and get to it. I want to introduce you to some people. Here's Mrs. Shoe.
(WIDEN TO SHOW PEGGY)
AL My daughter, Kelly Shoe. My son, Bud shoe and Buck, the Shoe dog.
(WIDEN TO SHOE KIDS AND BUCK)
AL We're starving. You don't even have to talk to me. Just call and hang up. It's charity,
for God sake. Kids, you don't even need your parents' permission. It'll be our little
STAGEHA (O.S.) Time's up, Bundy.
(THE FAMILY STARTS TO EXIT)
AL (PANICKED) Call me, please. Let's rap. Want somebody dead? I'll kill them. Please call
me! The number once again is...
(MARCY RUSHES IN)
MARCY This is what you did with my fifty thousand dollars?
(SHE STARTS TO CHOKE HIM)
AL (CHOKING) Call me.
(WE SEE COLOR BARS)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY
(PEGGY IS ON THE COUCH. A BEAT, THEN AL, KELLY AND BUD ENTER. AL WEARS A SUIT, AS DOES BUD.
KELLY IS DRESSED HER NORMAL HOT)
AL Peg. I thought you were gonna meet us down at the courthouse.
PEGGY Oh, was that today?
(SHE LOOKS AT HER APPOINTMENT BOOK)
PEGGY Yup. "Al's sentencing." Right there in black and white. Well, I'll catch the next one.
So how'd it go?
KELLY It was so cool. The Judge laughed at Daddy. Then he got serious and yelled at him.
Then he laughed some more. Then everybody started laughing at Daddy.
PEGGY I can't believe I missed it.
BUD It was great. The trial had everything. Crying -- that was Mr. Rhoades. He lost his
job, you know. There was an honest to goodness fit. That was Mrs. Rhoades. She got
demoted to drive-up window teller.
KELLY Then Daddy, the Judge, and a whole bunch of lawyers, went into the Judge's chambers.
Bring it home, Daddy.
AL Well, after the lawyers got through going, "Hey, did you check out the blonde bimbo in
the red mini? ... "
KELLY (PROUDLY) That was me.
(AL SIGHS, THEN)
AL Anyhow, then we got down to business. I begged for the death penalty, but they felt I
should learn a lesson. So to pay the hundred grand I owe, the banks agreed to extend
my mortgage for a few more years.
PEGGY How many?
AL Oh, a hundred. So, in the year twenty-one fifty-seven, we'll have paid off the second.
Then I can retire.
BUD No, Dad. Then you can start paying off your parking tickets.
AL Yeah. How the hell did they ever find out about them?
PEGGY I bet it was that darn Steve. C'mon, honey. Buck up. No matter what, I'll always be
your Mrs. Shoe.
KELLY And we'll always be your little shoes.
BUD Shoe betcha.
AL Then you haven't lost anymore respect for me?
PEGGY That would be impossible, wouldn't it, kids?
(THE KIDS AGREE)
PEGGY After all, you lost a hundred thousand dollars. How many men who make less than a fry
cook can say they lost a hundred thousand dollars?
BUD A fry cook? Why, Dad makes less than a newspaper boy.
KELLY A street mime.
PEGGY The guy who scrapes dead animals off the highway.
(AL SIGHS, GETS UP AND HEADS UPSTAIRS)
BUD A lab animal.
KELLY A circus geek.
PEGGY A barnacle scraper.
BUD A professional miniature golfer.
KELLY A qualified teacher.
(THEY ALL LAUGH. AL EXITS)
END OF ACT TWO
Scribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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