< Married with Children - 0407 final draft script

0407 (064)


October 12, 1989 Executive Producers Ron Leavitt Michael G. Moye Supervising Producers Katherine Green Arthur Silver Producers Sandy Sprung & Marcy Vosburgh Producer Ellen L. Fogle Co-Producer Barbara Cramer Directed By Gerry Cohen Written By Arthur Silver & Steve Bing AN ELP COMMUNICATIONS PRODUCTION SHOW: #0407 TAPE: 10/13/89 AIR: 11/ 5/89 CAST ---- AL BUNDY ...................... ED O'NEILL PEGGY BUNDY ................... KATEY SAGAL STEVE RHOADES ................. DAVID GARRISON MARCY RHOADES ................. AMANDA BEARSE KELLY BUNDY ................... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE BUD BUNDY ..................... DAVID FAUSTINO BUCK, THE DOG ................. MIKE, THE DOG BRANDI BRANDT ................. AS HERSELF COURTNEY ...................... JENNIFER BANKO OLIVIA ........................ KATE ROMERO ACT ONE SCENE ONE INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - MORNING (KELLY IS DRESSED FOR SCHOOL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH. PEGGY ENTERS AND WAKES KELLY UP) PEGGY Honey, it's time for school. (PEGGY SHAKES HER) PEGGY Wake up. (KELLY WAKES UP) KELLY I wasn't looking at his paper. Oh. Hi, Mom. PEGGY Honey, it's time for school. KELLY I can't go to school yet. I've got a Current Events report due today. I'm waiting for Bud to bring me a newspaper. (BUD ENTERS CARRYING A PAPER) BUD Here we go, Kell. Hot off a bum's face. (PEGGY LOOKS AT IT) PEGGY The National Investigator? BUD Everybody's gonna be using actual newspapers. I've decided our Kelly should go the tabloid route. Okay, Kell. Which one interests you? "Psychic Predicts *Someone* Will Watch Gary Shandling", or "Spuds McKenzie Just Says No To Justine Bateman". KELLY I'll take that one. At least people have heard of Spuds McKenzie. (PEGGY LOOKS AT THE PAPER) PEGGY Look at this! "New Jersey Housewife Wins Eight Point Seven Million Dollars Lottery." And she won it after rubbing the belly of her good luck charm, Tubro, the fat Panamanian God of Money. I need something lucky to rub. BUD How about Kelly? Every guy that rubs her gets lucky. KELLY Oh, grow a face. Now, let me do my homework in peace. (KELLY STARTS TO READ THE PAPER) KELLY (READING ALOUD VERY SLOWLY) "Spuds..." (AL ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS) AL Would you look at this. (OVERCOME) My little girl is reading. KELLY Oh, Dad. You made me lose my place. Now I have to start over. (READING) "Spuds..." AL Look at her go. (HE SHAKES HIS HEAD IN WONDER) AL (TO PEGGY) Well, one Bundy woman is reaching for the stars today. Let's go for two. C'mon, Peg, make me breakfast. (INSPIRING) Crack an egg for Daddy. PEGGY Where would I get an egg this time of day? You're such an idiot. By the way, Al, I want to win the lottery. Can I have a hundred and ninety-five dollars to buy Tubro, the fat Panamanian God of Money? AL I dunno. Is this Tubro any luckier than Chichi, the two hundred dollar, lucky French mule God? PEGGY Okay, Chichi fell off the shelf and broke your foot, but Tubro is for real. AL Peg, you know what a hundred and ninety-five dollars could do for this family? It means food, it means shelter, it means college for my children. KELLY (TO BUD) What's this word? (BUD LOOKS) BUD A. KELLY Oh, just like the letter. AL (TO PEGGY) Or barber school. PEGGY Oh, Al. It's not like I'm asking for something just for me. This is for all of us. I want Tubro. AL I want breakfast. PEGGY Tubro. AL Breakfast. PEGGY Tubro. AL Breakfast. BUD Well, Kell, considering who we came from, I'd say we turned out pretty normal, huh? (KELLY STARES AT HIM, SIGHS, THEN GOES BACK TO READING) KELLY (READING) "Spuds..." (BUD SIGHS) DISSOLVE TO: ACT ONE SCENE TWO INT. SHOE STORE - DAY (AL IS HELPING A MOTHER, OLIVIA, AND A YOUNG DAUGHTER, COURTNEY, WHO ARE DRESSED IN MATCHING OUTFITS. A SEA OF OPEN SHOE BOXES SURROUNDS THEM) AL (SIGHS) How about these? COURTN I hate them and I hate you. AL What a coincidence. Y'know, you're a pretty, young girl. I bet you're going to make some man very neutered some day. COURTN Mother, this man reeks of failure. Let's go to a classier store. OLIVIA We don't have time, Courtney. We have to pick your father up at the laundromat. (THE MOTHER AND DAUGHTER HEAD OUT. STEVE ENTERS) STEVE Hi. Don't you look adorable in your matching outfits. COURTN Get a life, Geezer. (THEY EXIT) STEVE (TO AL) Cute, eh, Al? I'll tell ya, if I were nine again, I'd be out there right now smashing her head on the concrete. What'cha doing? AL Oh, just trying to kill another sixty years so Willard Scott can say "Hi" to me on TV. STEVE Y'know, Al. Your problem is you don't take time to appreciate the finer things in life. Come with me to a museum, a symphony, an opera. You're never too old to experience... (STEVE SEES A BEAUTIFUL GIRL, BRANDI, ENTER) STEVE ... Hooter alert. (AL TURNS AND SEES HER) STEVE I'll flip you for her. AL I'll kill you for her. (SHE COMES UP TO THEM) AL Miss. Please sit down, and we'll get you some... what do I sell here? Shoes. Yes, shoes. So, you want one? BRANDI Uh, yes. Two, actually. For my feet. (THEY STARE AT HER CHEST) BRANDI They're the things on the floor, y'know with the toes. AL Of course. STEVE Let me handle this, Al. (TO BRANDI) How about something in a man, who'll give you everything he owns. BRANDI I already have a pair of those. Right now I need a pair of stilleto heels, black, size six. AL Get 'em Steve. STEVE Hey, I don't work here. BRANDI Then why are you holding my foot? STEVE I'm not leaving. AL Neither am I. STEVE Okay. We'll both get it. (THEY EXIT INTO THE BACK. WE HEAR SCUFFLING. THEN THEY COME BACK, EACH HOLDING ONE SHOE) AL Here you are. (SHE TAKES OFF HER SHOES. THEY EACH PUT A SHOE ON A FOOT) BRANDI Do you mind if I walk in them? AL I'd rather you dance in them, but it's not mandatory. (SHE SMILES) BRANDI You are so cute. (SHE PATS THEM ON THE CHEEK. THEY WHIMPER. SHE WALKS. THEY WATCH) AL Y'know, I'd swear I've seen her someplace. I just don't know where. (SHE BENDS OVER) AL That's it! Steve, she's a Playmate. From Playboy. Miss October, Nineteen Eighty-Seven. STEVE Can't be. AL Steve. I may not know the color of my wife's eyes. I don't know my kids' birthdays. But I know that's Brandi Brandt. Born in Nineteen Sixty-Eight. Teeny teeny birthmark, three-quarters around bend of left knee. Favorite movie "The Big Bus". Watch. I'll show you. Uh, Miss. Aren't you Brandi Brandt. Miss October, Nineteen Eighty-Seven? BRANDI Why, yes. (AL AND STEVE GIGGLE EXCITEDLY) AL I've always admired your work. BRANDI It is a lot of work. The shot of me leaning against that truck alone took five hours. STEVE I know how you feel. When I was seven our class had our picture taken on a fire truck. It was really big and they let me clang the bell. But when they took the picture I was turned away, so you couldn't tell it was me. But they made me buy one anyway. (BEAT) Can I sit on your lap? (AL AND BRANDI STARE AT HIM) BRANDI No. (TO AL) I love the shoes. How much? AL They're on the house. After all. You made it possible for me and Steve to have sex with our wives. BRANDI Well, thanks very much for the shoes. You've been very kind. (SOTTO, TO AL) The little one should see a doctor. (SHE NODS TO STEVE. STEVE LOOKS SUAVE. SHE EXITS. THEY WATCH, THEN) STEVE What did she whisper about me? AL She wants to have your baby. STEvE I knew it. Al, I must see her naked. Where can I get that issue? AL From me, Steve. I've been collecting Playboys my whole life. My dad started me on the hobby. It was my twelfth birthday. We watched Mom Singapore Sling herself into oblivion. Then we went into the basement and there, in that hallowed spot behind the toolbox, was Dad's stash. Oh, the breasts we saw that night. And when Dad died, he left them all to me. STEVE You've got quite a dad, Al. AL Yeah, I remember when I was seven, he took me to... STEVE Oh, who cares? I want to see her naked while the smell of her shoe is still on my hands. (THEY HEAD OUT) DISSOLVE TO: ACT ONE SCENE THREE INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATER THAT DAY (AL AND STEVE ENTER EXCITEDLY) STEVE (GIGGLING) We're going to look at boobs. Oh, man. AL Shh. Quiet, Steve. I got a family here. I'll be right back. Wait here and look cool. (AL EXITS INTO THE BASEMENT. STEVE SITS ON THE COUCH AND BOUNCES EXCITEDLY. A FEW BEATS, THEN AL STAGGERS IN) AL They're gone. My Playboys. My stable. My women. My life. What could have happened to them? (PEGGY ENTERS HOLDING TUBRO, THE GOOD LUCK CHARM) PEGGY Oh, hi, Al. Look what I've got. I've got my very own Tubro. Oh, happy day. (SHE DANCES AROUND WITH TUBRO) AL Uh, Peg. Can I cut in for a second? Where did you get the money for old Tubro? PEGGY I sold your Playboys. (AL REACTS) PEGGY Oh. Did you want those? (AL HANGS HIS HEAD. STEVE PATS HIM REASSURINGLY) FADE OUT: END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO SCENE ONE INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - A SHORT TIME LATER (AL SITS AT THE KITCHEN TABLE HOLDING HIS HEAD) PEGGY Oh, Al. You haven't said anything in two hours. How about just a little smile. (HE STARES AT HER A BEAT, THEN LOOKS BACK AWAY) PEGGY Oh, what's the big deal? They were just in a box in the basement in chronological order, individually wrapped. How would I know you wanted them. What am I, a mind reader? C'mon, rub Tubro. It'll make you feel better. (AL CHOKES TUBRO. PEGGY TAKES IT BACK. BUD ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS. UNSEEN BY THEM HE EXITS DOWNSTAIRS) PEGGY Get your grubby paws off Tubro. Don't you understand what he can mean to the family, Al? He could bring us money, prosperity and happiness. (TO TUBRO) You can be the man of the house. AL Tubro will never be the man of the house, Peg. Because Tubro can't cry. Peg, how could you sell the family Playboys? PEGGY Oh, Al. You're making a big thing out of something that means nothing to anyone but you. (BUD STAGGERS UP, STILL UNSEEN BY THEM. HE SADLY STAGGERS UPSTAIRS, HOLDING THE BANISTER FOR SUPPORT. HE EXITS) AL Why is it always my stuff? Don't the kids have anything you can get ten cents on the dollar for? SFX: DOORBELL (PEGGY CROSSES TO THE DOOR) PEGGY I can't steal from my children. They lock their rooms. (PEGGY OPENS THE DOOR TO MARCY) MARCY Al Bundy. You sir, are maggot bits. AL If only a man could have two wives. (PEGGY SMACKS AL'S ARM) PEGGY What did he do now? MARCY Well, Steve and I were having a wonderful intimate encounter. As usual my eyes were tightly shut in unmentionable ecstasy. Then suddenly a thumbtack bounced off my head. Steve had tacked Miss October to the headboard of our marital bed. (MARCY BRANDISHES THE MISS OCTOBER CENTERFOLD) AL (EXCITEDLY) He found the issue. (HE REACHES FOR THE MAGAZINE. MARCY PULLS IT AWAY) MARCY Well, I knew that my Steve would never think of such a demeaning thing. So after repeatedly kneeing him to the groin, a teary Steve admitted that the whole thing was Al's perverted idea. PEGGY What is it about men that when they have perfectly good wives at home, they have to look at women like these? AL For the same reason everybody who drives a broken down old Dodge stops and drools over a Ferrari. Then at least you can pretend you're in a Ferrari. PEGGY What difference does it make to you? You don't know how to drive. MARCY (TO AL) Well, from this moment on, you're no longer allowed to play with Steve. (INDICATES MAGAZIME) And I never want to see one of these again. AL I'll take it off your hands. MARCY Of course. (SHE TEARS UP THE CENTERFOLD IN LITTLE BITS, THROWS IT DOWN, JUMPS UP AND DOWN ON IT) MARCY Enjoy. (SHE EXITS. ALL GETS DOWN ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES AND TRIES TO PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER) PEGGY Al, do you ever think about other women when we do it? AL Nah. (SHOWS HER A PIECE) Peg, what do you think? Breast, nose or what? PEGGY You really don't know, do you? Well, that certainly explains thousands of disappointing nights. AL Y'know, I'd kill myself, but you'd just sell me before I hit the floor. PEGGY Okay. I can see you're gonna be in a foul mood. When you want to discuss this rationally, I'll be in the kitchen with Tubro, winning the lottery. (PEGGY CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN AND SITS AT THE TABLE. AL STARES AT HER) AL (MUTTERS) I said "I do". What was I thinking? What did I do? I'd already had sex with her. I didn't need that again. (HE LOOKS OVER AT PEGGY. SHE IS RUBBING TUBRO ON HER BODY. SHE CHANTS TO TUBRO) PEGGY Chatta chatta. Tubro yumbro. Chatta chatta. Tubro yumbro. Chatta chatta. Tubro Yumbro. AL Someone help me. Somewhere out there must be somebody who has suffered as much as I have. SFX: TOILET FLUSH (AL TURNS AROUND AND SEES HIS FATHER. HE ENTERS FROM THE FERGUSON, PAPER UNDER HIS ARM, AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO AL) AL Dad? I thought you were dead. AL SR. I thought you were alive. (HIS DAD PUTS HIS HAND DOWN HIS PANTS) AL Gee, Dad. I haven't seen you since your funeral. You look great. AL SR. They make you jog. So how's tricks? AL Great. AL SR. And how are the kids? AL Great. AL SR. And how are my Playboys? AL You know, don't you? AL SR. (SARCASTIC) No, I really care how you and the kids are. How could you let that woman sell our Playboys? AL I couldn't stop her. AL SR. Y'know, everybody up there is laughing at you. AL What do you mean, everybody? Abe Lincoln is laughing at me? AL SR. (NODS) Abe, Socrates, Moe, Larry, Curley. AL The Three Stooges are laughing at me? (BEAT) How about Marilyn Monroe? Is she laughing at me? AL SR. She doesn't even know you're alive. AL Look, Dad. You're surrounded by some great minds up there. Does anybody know anything about women? AL SR. Not a one. Actually, Plato used to have a few theories, but now mostly he just takes young boys camping. Look, kid. Nobody really knows anything about women, and nobody ever will. But one thing we do know. They're the greatest single problem facing the world today. They must be stopped. We're counting on you, son. You must make the stand. AL Everybody in heaven is counting on me? AL SR. Yeah. See, we hid from the women and had a meeting. We decided you have to get her to get your Playboys back. The dignity of all men is riding on you. AL Anybody want me to build an Ark in my spare time, too? Look at her, Dad. I can't even get her to give me a piece of cheese. AL SR. John Wayne thinks you can do it. AL The Duke? Duke wants me to do it? AL SR. He's got a five spot riding on you. (AL RISES, HITCHES UP HIS PANTS AND GIVES HIS DAD A THUMBS UP. HIS DAD GIVES IT TO HIM BACK AND DISAPPEARS. AL CROSSES TO PEGGY. SHE IS SPINNING TUBRO ON THE TABLE) AL Peg. Woman. Pilgrim. Listen up and listen good. Get up, get out, and get my Playboys. PEGGY But, Al... AL Now. PEGGY But... (HE POINTS TO THE DOOR. SHE HANGS HER HEAD AND WALKS TO THE DOOR. SHE STOPS HALFWAY THEN LOOKS BACK SADLY. HE POINTS AGAIN. SHE GOES TO THE DOOR) PEGGY How am I going to get them? AL Don't care. We want our Playboys. PEGGY We? Who's we? AL Me, and all the guys, except Plato. (HE POINTS AGAIN. SHE EXITS SADLY) AL That felt good. I feel the Duke in me. (CALLS OUT) Younguns. Get down here. (AL HITCHES UP HIS PANTS. KELLY AND BUD ENTER FROM UPSTAIRS) BUD What is it, Dad? AL I want my car washed, pronto. (TO KELLY) And you, little filly, are going to cook me a man-sized meal. (KELLY AND BUD LAUGH. THEY START BACK UPSTAIRS) BUD What's with him? KELLY He's old, and confused. (THEY EXIT) AL Boy, they're lucky I wasn't really hungry. (HE SITS ON THE COUCH, PROUDLY) AL (TO BUCK) What are you lookin' at? DISSOLVE TO: ACT TWO SCENE TWO INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATER THAT NIGHT (AL IS IN THE KITCHEN PUTTING TANG ON A BREAD. KELLY AND BUD ARE ON THE COUCH) AL Okay, kids, who wants a tangwich? KELLY We don't like the way you make 'em, Dad. We like the way Mom makes them. She pinches the ends so the orange sand doesn't run out. AL Fine. More for me. (HE TAKES HIS SANDWICH AND CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND SITS WITH THEM) BUD When's Mom coming home? AL When her task is done. Why? KELLY Well, 'cause when we have a problem, we talk to Mom. AL Hey, what's the matter? You can't learn from me? (HE TAKES A BITE OF HIS TANGWICH. THE CRYSTALS POUR OUT ON HIS SHIRT) AL Anything you can ask your mother, you can ask me. Go ahead shoot. KELLY Okay. I'm ovulating and whenever this happens I get this pinching kind of cramp. What should I do? AL Walk it off. And remember. From now on, always stretch before ovulating. Bud? BUD (BEAT) No problems here, Dad. AL Good, good. Now, I must parent some more. It's late and I want you to go right to bed. KELLY Okay, Daddy. (THEY STRETCH AND YAWN AND EXIT THROUGH THE PATIO DOOR WHERE THEIR RESPECTIVE JUVENILE DELINQUENT DATES WAIT) AL (LOOKS UP) You're not laughin' now, are you? (PEGGY ENTERS WITH A WHEELBARROW FULL OF AL'S PLAYBOYS. SHE WEARS A LONG LEATHER COAT) AL My Playboys! My babies. (HE HUGS THE MAGAZINES) AL How'd you get them back? PEGGY I owe it all to Tubro. I was driving around in your car... AL What were you doing in my car? PEGGY Tubro thought it was best. Anyhow, I was driving around with no idea how to get the money for your magazines. So I was rubbing Tubro's belly when all of a sudden, it hit us. AL How to get the money? PEGGY No. A Mercedes. AL A Mercedes hit my car? PEGGY Yeah. But don't worry. I wasn't hurt. Anyhow, the guy in the car gave me enough money to buy our Playboys back. Aren't you proud of me? AL Exactly how much damage did you do to my car? PEGGY Oh, lots. I mean you can probably drive it. Just leave a little early for work, because your car can't turn left anymore. But you wouldn't want to anyway. There's no door on your side. AL (PAINED) But you're okay, right? Ah, it doesn't matter. So you're okay, and I can only drive clockwise, but I don't mind, 'cause I've got my babies back. (OPENS A CENTERFOLD) Look. Brandi Brandt. Isn't she great? PEGGY I don't see what's so hot about her. AL You will when she's tacked to the headboard. Upstairs. Let's go. (PEGGY HAPPILY GOES UP, FOLLOWED BY AL) FADE OUT: END OF ACT TWO

Scribed by Nitzan Gilkis


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