AL BUNDY ................... ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ................ KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES .............. DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES .............. AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY ................ CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY .................. DAVID FAUSTINO
BUCK, THE DOG .............. MIKE, THE DOG
YVETTE ..................... MILLA JOVOVICH
MYRON ...................... RICHARD ISRAEL
HANK ....................... GREGG THOMSEN
BOB ........................ DOUGLAS BRYAN JOHNSON
INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - MORNING
(AL, KELLY AND BUD ARE SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE)
AL Kids, I gotta tell ya, I love the day after Thanksgiving. We've already got that giving
thanks crap out of the way, and we get to have leftovers. Peg, is it ready yet?
PEGGY Here it comes!
(PEGGY BRINGS OVER A PIZZA BOX AND OPENS IT. WE SEE A FEW CRUSTS PLUS SEVERAL SLICES THAT HAVE
ALL THE CHEESE AND TOPPINGS SCRAPED OFF)
KELLY Y'know, Daddy, that was a great idea last night, to only eat the cheese so we'd have the
crust for today.
AL Yeah. I bet a lot of other stupid families ate their whole pizza last night. And today
they're probably just looking at the old empty cardboard box.
(THEY ALL GRAB A SLICE. THEY HOLD THE BARE CRUSTS UP TO GOBBLE, EXCEPT BUD.)
BUD I can't do it. Dad, I think I speak for us all. This really bites the big one. Why can't
we have turkey like real people?
PEGGY Oh, now, Bud. It's not like your father's a doctor, or a lawyer, or a... or a bathroom
attendant, or a circus geek. He's just a shoe salesman, doing the best he can.
AL Okay, Peg. I think we get the message here. Obviously, this is the fault of the only one
here who works around here. That would be... let's see...
(HE POINTS AROUND THE TABLE, THEN COMES BACK TO HIMSELF)
AL ... well goldarn it, it's me! Well, what the heck. I'll quit. Then we'll be a-eatin', won't we?
PEGGY Oh, honey, nobody wants you to quit. We all appreciate what you do for this family.
(PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD LAUGH. PEGGY BANGS THE TABLE, JOYOUS WITH LAUGHTER. AS THEY LAUGH, KELLY
TRIES TO STEAL BUD'S CRUST. HE SMACKS HER HAND)
BUD Well, we might as well face the facts. This food thing isn't going to go away. We've got
to get some money. There's got to be something here we can sell.
KELLY How about Mom's engagement ring?
AL Kelly! Now, that ring is a symbol of our love. (NERVOUSLY) We could we never put a price
PEGGY That's right, honey. Like they say, glass is forever.
PEGGY Oh, come on, Al. I had it appraised the day after our wedding. Remember when you were
"resting"? It was a big day for mommy, honey.
AL Yeah. It was the last day of rest for Daddy.
(BUD CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN COUNTER)
BUD What about Kelly's school books? (BLOWS OFF A LOT DUST) We could sell these.
KELLY Oh, yeah. My English book. Oh, I ain't got no use for that.
PEGGY Honey, these school books are very important to your future. Oh, who am I kidding? Let's
see what condition they're in.
(LEAFS THROUGH THE BOOK. SEVERAL PIECES OF PAPER FALL OUT)
AL Well, let's see. What have we got here? What's this?. (READING) "Detention, detention,
expulsion..." Oh here's something interesting. "Host a foreign exchange student. Receive
five hundred dollars a month expenses." That's what we'll do, Peg. We'll get us one of
those five hundred dollar foreigners.
PEGGY Gee, I don't know, honey. We don't have much room. Where are they gonna sleep?
AL Well, what's the garage for?
KELLY (EXCITEDLY) I know. I know. It's for the car.
AL We'll move it to the side.
BUD But it's freezing in there, Dad.
AL Hey, I didn't say we should sleep the garage!
(THEY ALL LAUGH)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - A FEW DAYS LATER
(BUD AND KELLY ARE LOOKING OUTSIDE. AL AND PEGGY ARE ON THE COUCH)
KELLY I wonder when little Yvette (PRONOUNCED "WHY-VETTE") will get here?
BUD Uhh, Kelly, I believe her name is pronounced "Yvette".
KELLY I was pronouncing it in English.
BUD Oh man. What a break getting a seventeen-year-old French babe. Oh, the times we'll have.
(WIPES A TEAR AWAY)
KELLY Don't go boinging around the house just yet, toad boy. Frenchie's all mine. At last I'll
have like a real sister. A real girl. Not just a boy trapped in a pimple's body.
(SHE PATS BUD ON THE HEAD)
KELLY It'll be great. I can teach her about American guys, and she can help me by carrying my
school supplies. You know, like my music, my walkman, my overnight bag... my make-up...
BUD The red light bulb that goes over your head.
KELLY Oh, You mean like when I get an idea?
(BUD GIVES KELLY A PAT ON THE SHOULDER)
PEGGY Al, do you think we should have picked Yvette up at the bus station?
AL Oh, I hate the bus stations. Vagrants, winos... those people there would cut your throat
for a nickel.
BUD I think I see someone. She's dragging her trunk down the street.
PEGGY Al, give her a hand.
(AL GOES TO THE DOOR AND YELLS OUT)
AL Hey. Over here.
(AL SHUTS THE DOOR)
AL Oh, it's gettin' cold out there.
(THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. BUD OPENS IT TO REVEAL YVETTE. SHE IS WEARING AN OVERCOAT WITH
SNOW ON IT, AND A PLAIN WOOLEN SKI CAP)
YVETTE Hello, My name is Yvette.
(PEGGY TROTS OVER TO HER)
PEGGY Hello, welcome to our country. We have so many quesions to ask you. Umm, what's your
country like? Uh, how was your trip? Where's our money?
(BUD STEPS BETWEEN THEM AND TAKES YVETTE ASIDE)
BUD I apologize for ze animals. I'm Bud Bundy, your love interest. And this is Mom and Dad.
KELLY And I'm Kelly. You'll be going to school with me, so if there's a hiney to be kissed
around here, it's mine.
YVETTE Oh my, you are so attractive. Are all American girls as beautiful as you?
KELLY In their dreams.
YVETTE Well, I am so happy to be in Chicago, err, land of the Cubs and the big wind.
(AL AND PEGGY ARE GOING THROUGH YVETTE'S SUITCASE)
PEGGY (ACCUSINGLY) Al!
AL Oh, it wasn't me!
YVETTE I would love to talk for hours, but uh, I'm cold and tired. Err, where will I be sleeping?
BUD My room is this way. The left side of the bed is for you.
KELLY That's because he wets to the right.
PEGGY (FORCES A LAUGH) Now, kids. No, honey. You'll be sleeping in our guest room, next to the
(PEGGY STARTS GOING THROUGH YVETTE'S PURSE)
AL Now, it's a little chilly in there. Don't worry about it. We're gonna try to get that garage
door down real soon.
(PEGGY PRODUCES THE MONEY)
PEGGY Got it. Five hundred dollars.
(THE BUNDYS GO FOR THEIR COATS)
YVETTE Well, I've had a long flight, and a long walk from downtown, so I'm a little hungry. Do
you think I could have a little bite to...
(THE BUNDYS EXIT WITH THE CHECK, AD-LIBBING GREED TALK. YVETTE REACTS)
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - NEXT DAY
(A STUDENT THROWS A CAN AT THE BIN AND DELIBERATELY MISSES. ANOTHER STUDENT TRIPS UP A NERD.
KELLY AND YVETTE ENTER. BOYS' HEADS TURN TO KELLY AS THEY PASS. YVETTE WEARS THE SAME HAT AND COAT
SHE ARRIVED IN)
KELLY And this is the hall where my locker is.
YVETTE Uh, Kelly. Er, we've been at school for hours. Will we be going in a classroom today?
KELLY Look. Do you want to see how it's done in America, or what?
YVETTE I'm sorry. What happens next?
KELLY Well, first, we'll meet some boys.
YVETTE Uh, how do we do that?
(KELLY GIVES A SMUG LOOK, THEN TAKES OFF HER COAT. BOYS RUSH OVER, WALLAING "HI, KELLY", THEN
THEY ARGUE OVER WHO GETS TO TAKE HER OUT. KELLY GOES TO YVETTE)
YVETTE Oh, you are so popular.
KELLY Yeah, I'm kinda like the Beatles of the twentieth century. Now, do what I did.
YVETTE Oh No. I'm far too shy.
KELLY Go ahead. Maybe you'll get one.
(YVETTE SHRUGS, TAKES A DEEP BREATH, THEN REMOVES HER HAT AND LETS DOWN HER HAIR. IT IS
BEAUTIFUL. SHE TAKES OFF HER COAT. SHE WEARS A TEENY MINI SKIRT. THE BOYS STOP FIGHTING OVER
KELLY. THEY PUSH HER ASIDE TO GET TO YVETTE. KELLY IS SLAMMED INTO A LOCKER AS THEY FLOCK AROUND
YVETTE. KELLY LOOKS WORRIED)
END OF ACT ONE
INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - THAT EVENING
(THE BUNDYS ARE FEASTING. BUCK IS ENJOYING A FULL PLATE OF HIS OWN. AL PUTS KETCHUP ON A BIG STEAK.
KELLY DOENS'T EAT AT ALL. AL HOLDS UP HIS FORKED STEAK)
AL A toast to the French. It's a foul little country but they sure do know how write a check,
(PEGGY AND BUD LAUGH WITH APPROVAL)
PEGGY Kelly, honey, aren't you gonna eat your dinner?
KELLY I'm not hungry.
(THEY ALL GRAB HER FOOD)
KELLY What's wrong, you ask? Well, I'm socially dead. Yesterday's girl. A Bud.
(THEY SNORT MORE FOOD)
KELLY Why, you ask? Okay, well I'll tell you. 'Cause the little French poodle that you all love is
taking all my action. Oh, Daddy. What's a washed-up has-been supposed to do?
(AL, EATING, INDICATES PEGGY)
KELLY (TO PEGGY) Mom. What kind of a guys will I wind up with when no one wants me?
(PEGGY, EATING, INDICATES AL)
KELLY Oh, no.
BUD Ah, come on, Kell. So Yvette makes you look like day old eggs. So what? There's still
hope for you. Why, you could be a coat rack. An ash tray. A speed bump.
AL Listen to your brother.
(AL AND PEGGY, EATING, INDICATE THE DOOR TO KELLY)
KELLY Sure. I have no life. I'll get it. Maybe it's someone from the future geeks of America
wanting me to join.
(KELLY OPENS THE DOOR. MARCY AND STEVE LEAN IN)
KELLY Yup, it's the founders.
STEVE Hi, Kelly. Uh, Peggy. May we talk to you for a second?
(THEY SIGNAL PEGGY TO COME OVER. PEGGY PUTS THE CHICKEN IN HER MOUTH, ANOTHER ON HER PLATE AND
CROSSES TO THEM. AL AND BUD TRY TO GET HER FOOD AS SHE GOES)
STEVE Uhh, Peggy, we don't know how to tell you this...
MARCY Well, I do, Steve. Peggy, Al has a young girl living in your garage. We saw her last
night, burning leaves for warmth in your driveway. The pig didn't even have the decency
to set her up in an apartment.
STEVE Well, it's not that easy, Marcy. You've got to buy money orders under a different name to
pay the rent. Then... where do you keep the extra key? Just try to get a phone with an
alias these days.
(MARCY STARES AT HIM)
STEVE Not that I've ever given it much thought.
MARCY Well, anyway, here are some pictures of her we took. And the name of a good divorce
attorney. I'm sorry we had to be the ones to tell you this.
(STEVE AND MARCY GIGGLE TO EACH OTHER)
PEGGY Look, I know all about it. She's just a foreign exchange student that's living here.
And other than having to honk when we want to get out of the garage, she's really been
no problem at all.
KELLY Yeah, no problem for anyone but little me.
MARCY Oh, what's the matter, Kelly?
BUD Oh, it's just that Yvette is dating all her boyfriends and Kelly has the social life of a
PEGGY (TO STEVE AND MARCY) Kelly's a little depressed. Could you handle this? We're eating.
(PEGGY RETURNS TO THE TABLE. MARCY WALKS OVER TO KELLY)
MARCY Ohh, now Kelly. You mustn't worry over this. You may find this hard to believe, but I
myself wasn't popular in school.
KELLY The Hell you say.
MARCY No. It's true. I couldn't get a date with a cool guy no matter how much I put out. I
mean, tried. So I finally started dating a nerd.
(STEVE LAUGHS NERDISHLY. MARY AND KELLY SIT ON THE COUCH)
STEVE You dated a nerd?
MARCY Yes. His name was.. (GLANCES AT STEVE) ... well, his name isn't important. My friends
couldn't believe I had sunk so low. Boy, did they laugh when I let him take me to the
STEVE Wait a second. I took you to the homecoming Dance.
MARCY That's right. You did. (TO KELLY) Anyway, we went on dating and I endured the laughter
and the ridicule, and I came to marry... well, his name isn't important. The point is,
yesterday's nerd can grow up to be a wonderful and giving man. So if all you can get is
a nerd, I say, try one. (PROUD) I did.
(SHE PUTS HER ARM AROUND STEVE)
STEVE Hey, wait a minute. (THROWS MARCY'S ARM OFF HIM) I know who you're talking about. Let
me tell you something. You think you heard laughter? Well, when I was dating you I had
a few some milk bones slipped into my pocket.
MARCY I was pretty. My mother told me so.
STEVE Compared to your mother, you were.
(KELLY ESCORTS THEM OUT ARGUING)
MARCY So now you don't like my mother?
STEVE What's not to like? A sixty year old woman who played the drums?
STEVE Geek girl.
(KELLY SHUTS THE DOOR ON THEM)
KELLY So that's my future?
BUD Well, that and forty pounds.
KELLY Never. I'll never sink so low as to date a nerd. I may not have much, but at least I
have my pride.
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - NEXT NIGHT
(KELLY ENTERS WITH MYRON, A NERD WHO WAS HER DATE. THERE IS A DARK STAIN ON HER BLOUSE)
MYRON It's been an illuminating evening, Ms. Bundy. I'm sorry I spilled my prune juice on your
KELLY Yeah, and I'm sorry I punched you in the pelvis.
MYRON Perhaps I can have the pleasure of your company again next Friday. The museum is having a
quite interesting exhibit on the ever-changing Mollusk.
KELLY Well, only if you wear your green pencil pouch.
MYRON (PROUD) It turns 'em all on.
(YVETTE ENTERS WITH TWO HUNKS, HANK AND ANOTHER GUY. THEY ARE VERY AFFECTIONATE. YVETTE KISSES
EACH GUY ON THE CHEEK)
YVETTE Well, I had a great time guys, but I gotta run.
(SHE KISSES HER FINGER AND TOUCHES IT TO THEIR FACES. SHE DISMISSES THEM AND SHUTS THE DOOR)
MYRON Kelly, you know what would make this the perfect evening?
KELLY (SIGHS) Oh what, Myron?
MYRON If Yvette would kiss me goodnight.
(KELLY PULLS OUT HIS PEN HOLDER AND STOMPS ON IT. HE PULLS OUT A GREEN ONE AND PUTS IT IN HIS
MYRON You just blew a good thing, baby.
(HE LOOKS YVETTE UP AND DOWN AND EXITS)
YVETTE Oh my, I'm so tired. Thank goodness you taught me how to sleep at school. So, how was
your date with Le Grand Geek?
KELLY Well, we sat around with his parents and they showed me slides of their vacation at the
Ticonderoga Pencil Factory. You know, the number two pencil is the backbone of the industry.
YVETTE Oh. That's very fascinating.
KELLY No it isn't. It's the prattle of the dead. Listen, Yvette, we really to discuss...
YVETTE I would love to talk to my little American sister, but my next date will be here any
moment. Uh, he told me I could wear your leather mini. You don't mind, do you? I mean, you
are in for the evening, no?
(YVETTE LOOKS SMUG AND EXITS UPSTAIRS. SHE CROSSES BUD ON THE WAY DOWN. SHE SMILES AT HIM. HE
LOOKS AT HER APPRECIATIVELY AND COMES DOWNSTAIRS. HE CARRIES A PAPER BAG. HE HUMS HAPPILY. HE
PASSES KELLY AS HE HEADS FOR THE WALL NEAR THE GARAGE)
BUD Hi, Grandma. Oops! Sorry, Kell. Must've been the way the light hit your crow's feet.
(BUD PACES OFF A DISTANCE ON THE WALL, THEN TAKES DRILL OUT OF THE BAG, PUT ON PROTECTIVE GLASSES
AND STARTS DRILLING HOLES IN THE WALL. KELLY APPROACHES HIM)
KELLY Bud, what are you doing?
BUD Building a home entertainment center.
KELLY Bud, I need your help. I'm desperate.
BUD No, you're not. Desperate still implies hope.
KELLY You wouldn't want to help me get rid of Yvette, would you?
KELLY Well, I can't take this anymore. I'll have to do it myself.
(BUD STOPS DRILLING)
BUD Kelly, I say this with all sincerity. If you truly, truly want to get rid of her... I'll
kill you. I really will. This is not a joke. Dead.
(BUD RESUMES DRILLING. YVETTE COMES DOWNSTAIRS. SHE WEARS A LEATHER MINI)
YVETTE Uhh, Bud, what are you doing?
BUD (GUILTY) Uh, I'm giving you some ventilation. So heat can get through.
YVETTE Oh, it's all right, Bud. I don't care if you peep.
BUD (SOTTO TO KELLY) Yeah. I'll give that up. The day they pry her from my cold, dead hand.
YVETTE What a cute little fellow.
KELLY He's toilet film.
(YVETTE STARTS OUT)
YVETTE Au revoir.
(AL AND PEGGY ENTER WITH FOOD. AL IS EATING A BURGER)
AL Excuse me, young lady, but where do you think you're going?
YVETTE On a date.
PEGGY Oh, no you're not. I got a call from the principal today and t seems you're failing all
your subjects. We just can't have that.
KELLY (HOPEFULLY) I'm failing, too.
AL Uh, Kelly, please. We're talking to Yvette.
PEGGY He didn't mean that, dear. You have to study too. I suppose. But if she fails she has to
go back home.
AL And we're out five hundred bucks a month.
PEGGY We're responsible for you education. You know, and if there's one thing we are, it's
(AL SNAPS PEGGY'S BRA. SHE GIGGLES)
PEGGY Ohh, Stop that, Al.
AL I can't help it. I'm giddy. It must be from all this darn eatin'. Come here!
(HE TICKLES HER BUTT ON THE WAY UPSTAIRS. SHE PROTESTS GIGGLING)
YVETTE Well, I guess we better study.
KELLY I'd love to, but I have to go dust off my accordian for school tomorrow. I've got my
eye on the big fat tuba player.
(KELLY HEADS UPSTAIRS)
YVETTE Oh, please, Kelly, you have to help me. I'll beg someone to go out with you.
YVETTE If I fail I'll have to go back to France. And I'll have to give up all your boyfriends.
(KELLY SMILES AND TURNS BACK)
KELLY Listen, Yvette. There's no point in us both staying home. Go out. Have a good time. I'll
study and when we take the test, you can copy off me.
(SHE SMILES EVILLY)
YVETTE Oh, you would do that for me?
(KELLY PUTS HER ARM AROUND YVETTE)
KELLY Ohh. What are little American sisters for?
INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT WEEK - NIGHT
(AL, PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE. THEY ARE EATING PIZZA. BUCK STARES AT A
CRUST OF PIZZA IN FRONT OF HIM)
PEGGY Okay. Who wants seconds on crust?
(KELLY RAISES HER HAND)
AL I can't believe it. Yvette flunked every subject. She even flunked French. She must be
the stupidest girl in the world.
KELLY Well, I'm the stupidest girl in America.
AL We know you are, pumpkin. But we're talking about something important now.
PEGGY Honey, you're important too. Just not as important as five hundred bucks. oh, Al, now
they'll never give us another exchange student.
BUD Yeah, I never got to use my holes.
KELLY What about me? I lost a sister. I'm hurting too.
(KELLY GIGGLES TO HERSELF)
SFX: HORN HONKING
KELLY Oops. My dates are here. (MISPRONOUNCED) Au revoir!
(SHE EXITS HAPPILY)
END OF ACT TWO
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
would you like to contribute a script?
home on the range