FINAL DRAFT SCRIPT:
SEPTEMBER 28, 1989
Michael G. Moye
Marcy Vosburgh & Sandy Sprung
Ellen L. Fogle
AN ELP COMMUNICATIONS PRODUCTION
AL BUNDY ................... ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ................ KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES .............. DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES .............. AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY ................ CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY .................. DAVID FAUSTINO
BUCK, THE DOG .............. MIKE, THE DOG
YVETTE ..................... MILLA JOVOVICH
MYRON ...................... RICHARD ISRAEL
HANK ....................... GREGG THOMSEN
BOB ........................ DOUGLAS BRYAN JOHNSON
INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - MORNING
(AL, KELLY AND BUD ARE SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE)
AL Kids, I gotta tell ya, I love the day after Thanksgiving. We've already got that giving
thanks crap out of the way, and we get to have leftovers. Is it ready, Peg?
PEGGY Here it comes.
(PEGGY BRINGS OVER A PIZZA BOX. SHE PUTS IT ON THE TABLE AND OPENS IT. WE SEE A FEW CRUSTS PLUS
SEVERAL SLICES THAT HAVE ALL THE CHEESE AND MOST OF THE TOMATO SCRAPED OFF)
KELLY Daddy, that was a great idea, last night, to only eat the cheese so we'd have the crust
AL Yeah. I bet a lot of stupid families ate their whole pizza last night, and they're
staring at the old cardboard box today.
(THEY ALL GRAB A SLICE. THEY HOLD THE BARE CRUSTS UP TO GOBBLE. THEN)
BUD I can't do it. Dad, I think I speak for us all. This really bites the big one. Why can't
we have turkey like real people?
PEGGY Now, Bud. It's not as if Daddy is a doctor, a lawyer, a bathroom attendant, or a circus
geek. He's just a shoe salesman, doing the best he can.
AL Thanks, Peg. I think we get the message. Obviously, this is the fault of the only person
here who works. That would be... let's see...
(HE POINTS AROUND THE TABLE, THEN COMES BACK TO HIMSELF)
AL ... goldarn it, it's me. Well, what the heck. I'll quit. Then we'll be a eatin', huh?
PEGGY Oh, Al, nobody wants you to quit. We all appreciate what you do for the family.
(PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD LAUGH. PEGGY BANGS THE TABLE, JOYOUS WITH LAUGHTER. AS THEY LAUGH, KELLY
TRIES TO STEAL BUD'S CRUST. HE SMACKS HER HAND)
BUD Well, we might as well face facts. This food thing isn't going to go away. We've got to
come up with some money. There's got to be something here we can sell.
KELLY How about Mom's engagement ring?
AL (NERVOUSLY) Uh, no, Kelly. That ring is a symbol of our love. I mean, how could we put a
price on that?
PEGGY It's true, kids. Like they say, glass is forever.
PEGGY Oh, come on, Al. I had it appraised the day after our wedding. Y'know, when you were
"resting". It was a big day for mommy, kids.
AL Well, like I said, it's a symbol of our love.
(BUD CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN COUNTER)
BUD What about Kelly's school books? We could sell them.
KELLY Oh, yeah. My English book. I ain't got no use for that.
PEGGY Kelly, dear, these school books are important to your future. Oh, who am I kidding?
You'll be a waitress in a bowling alley. Let's see what condition they're in.
(LEAFS THROUGH THE BOOK. SEVERAL PIECES OF PAPER FALL OUT)
AL What are these? Let's see. (READING) "Detention, detention, detention..." Here's
something interesting. "Host a foreign exchange student. Receive five hundred dollars a
month expenses." That's what we'll do, Peg. We'll get us one of those five hundred dollar
PEGGY I don't know, Al. We don't have much room. Where would they sleep?
AL What's the garage for?
KELLY (EXCITEDLY) I know. I know. It's for the car.
AL We'll move it to the side.
BUD It's freezing in there, Dad.
AL Hey, I'm not saying we should sleep there.
(THEY ALL LAUGH)
AL Then, it's settled. We'll call this number and give some poor foreigner all the
advantages of Bundyhood. It feels good to do something for someone else, doesn't it?
AL C'mon, let's go buy a lock for the fridge.
(THEY START OUT)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - A FEW DAYS LATER
(BUD AND KELLY ARE LOOKING OUTSIDE. AL AND PEGGY ARE ON THE COUCH)
KELLY I wonder when little Yvette (PRONOUNCED "WHY-VETTE") will get here?
BUD Kelly, I believe her name is pronounced "Yvette". What a break getting a seventeen-year-
old French babe. Oh, the times we'll have. (WIPES A TEAR AWAY)
KELLY Don't go boinging around the house just yet, toad boy. Frenchie's all mine. At last I'll
have like a real sister. A real girl. Not just a boy trapped in a pimple's body.
(SHE PATS BUD ON THE HEAD)
KELLY It'll be great. I'll teach her about American guys, and she can help me by carrying my
school supplies. My tapes, my walkman...
BUD The red light bulb that goes over your head.
KELLY You mean like when I get an idea?
PEGGY Al, do you think we should have picked Yvette up at the bus station?
AL Nah. I hate the bus station. Vagrants, winos... there are people there who would cut your
throat for a nickel.
PEGGY Wow. I hope she doesn't panic and give them our five hundred dollars.
BUD I think I see someone. She's dragging her trunk down the street.
PEGGY Al, give her a hand.
(AL GOES TO THE DOOR AND YELLS OUT)
AL Hey. Over here.
(WE HEAR THE SOUNDS OF A TRUNK THUMPING)
SFX: TRUNK THUMPING
(AL SHUTS THE DOOR)
AL Whoa, it's gettin' cold out there.
(THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. AL OPENS IT TO REVEAL YVETTE. SHE IS WEARING AN OVERCOAT WITH
SNOW ON IT, AND A PLAIN WOOLEN SKI CAP)
YVETTE Hello, I am Yvette, your...
PEGGY Good for you, honey. Where's out money?
(BUD STEPS BETWEEN THEM)
BUD I apologize for ze animals. I'm Bud Bundy, your love interest. This is Mom and Dad.
KELLY And I'm Kelly. You'll be going to school with me, so if there's a hiney to be kissed
around here, it's mine.
YVETTE My, you are so attractive. Are all American girls as beautiful as you?
KELLY In their dreams.
YVETTE Well, I am so happy to be in Chicago, land of the Cubs and the big wind.
PEGGY (ACCUSINGLY) Al!
AL It wasn't me.
YVETTE I would love to talk for hours, but I am tired, and cold. Where will I be sleeping?
BUD My room is this way. The left side of the bed is for you.
KELLY That's because he wets to the right.
PEGGY (FORCES A LAUGH) Those kids. No, dear. You'll be sleeping in our guest room, next to the
AL Now, it may be a little chilly. But we'll try to get that garage door down real soon.
YVETTE I am touched by your generosity.
(PEGGY IS GOING THROUGH YVETTE'S PURSE. SHE PULLS OUT A CHECK)
PEGGY Got it. Here's the five hundred.
(THE BUNDYS GO FOR THEIR COATS)
YVETTE Well, I've had a long flight, and a long walk from downtown, so I'm a little hungry. Do
you think I could have a little bite to... eat.
(THE BUNDYS EXIT WITH THE CHECK, AD-LIBBING GREED TALK. YVETTE REACTS)
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - NEXT DAY
(KELLY AND YVETTE ENTER. BOYS' HEADS TURN TO KELLY, AND SHE WAVES TO THE ADORING THRONGS AS THEY
PASS. YVETTE WEARS THE SAME HAT AND COAT SHE ARRIVED IN)
KELLY And this is the hall where my locker is.
YVETTE Uh, Kelly. We've been at school for hours. Will we be going in a classroom today?
KELLY Look. Do you want to see how it's done in America, or what?
YVETTE I'm sorry. What happens next?
KELLY Well, first, we'll meet some boys.
YVETTE How do we do that?
(KELLY GIVES A SMUG LOOK, THEN TAKES OFF HER COAT. BOYS RUSH OVER, WALLAING "HI, KELLY", THEN
THEY ARGUE OVER WHO GETS TO TAKE HER OUT. KELLY GOES TO YVETTE)
YVETTE You are so popular.
KELLY Yeah, I'm sorta like the Beatles of the twentieth century. Now, do what I did.
YVETTE No. I'm far too shy.
KELLY Go ahead. Maybe you'll get one.
(YVETTE SHRUGS, TAKES A DEEP BREATH, THEN REMOVES HER HAT AND LETS DOWN HER HAIR. IT IS
BEAUTIFUL. SHE TAKES OFF HER COAT. SHE WEARS A TEENY MINI SKIRT. THE BOYS STOP FIGHTING OVER
KELLY. THEY PUSH HER ASIDE TO GET TO YVETTE. KELLY IS SLAMMED INTO A LOCKER AS THEY FLOCK AROUND
YVETTE. KELLY LOOKS WORRIED)
END OF ACT ONE
INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - THAT EVENING
(THE BUNDYS ARE FEASTING. BUCK IS ENJOYING A FULL PLATE OF HIS OWN. AL HAS AN ENTIRE STEAK ON
HIS FORK. KELLY JUST PICKS AT HER FOOD. AL HOLDS UP HIS FORKED STEAK)
AL To the French. It's a foul little country but they sure can write a check, can't they?
(HE DRAGS THE STEAK THROUGH A POOL OF KETCHUP. PEGGY SNORTS AS SHE EATS AN ENTIRE CHICKEN)
PEGGY Kelly, aren't you gonna eat your dinner?
KELLY I'm not hungry.
(THEY ALL GRAB HER FOOD)
KELLY What's wrong, you ask? Well, I'm socially dead. Yesterday's girl. A Bud.
(THEY SNORT MORE FOOD)
KELLY Why, you ask? Okay, I'll tell you. It's cause the little French poodle you all love is
taking all my action. Oh, Daddy. What's a washed-up has-been supposed to do?
(AL, EATING, INDICATES PEGGY)
KELLY (TO PEGGY) Mom. What kind of a guy will I wind up with when no one wants me?
(PEGGY INDICATES AL. KELLY LOOKS AT AL, GORGING HIMSELF)
KELLY Oh, no.
BUD Oh, come on, Kell. So Yvette makes you look like day old eggs. So what? There's still
hope for you. Why, you could be a coat rack. An ash tray. A speed bump.
AL Listen to your brother.
(AL AND PEGGY INDICATE THE DOOR TO KELLY, GOING "AGNH" AND "HIBBIT", "HIBBIT")
KELLY Sure. I have no life. I'll get it. Maybe it's someone from the future geeks of America
wanting me to join.
(KELLY OPENS THE DOOR. MARCY AND STEVE ENTER)
KELLY Yup, it's the founders.
STEVE Hi, Kelly. Uh, Peggy. Can we talk to you for a second?
(THEY SIGNAL PEGGY TO COME OVER. PEGGY PUTS THE CHICKEN IN HER MOUTH, ANOTHER ON HER PLATE AND
CROSSES TO THEM)
STEVE Peggy, we didn't know how to tell you this...
MARCY Well, I do, Steve. Peggy, Al has a young girl living in your garage. We saw her last
night, burning leaves for warmth in your driveway. The pig didn't even have the decency
to set her up in an apartment.
STEVE Well, it's not that easy, Marcy. You've got to buy money orders under a different name to
pay the rent. Then where do you keep the extra key. And just try to get a phone with an
alias these days.
(MARCY STARES AT HIM)
STEVE Not that I've given it much thought.
MARCY Well, anyways, here are some pictures of her we took. And the name of a good divorce
attorney. Sorry we had to be the ones to tell you.
(STEVE AND MARCY GIGGLE TO EACH OTHER)
PEGGY Oh, I know all about it. She's just a foreign exchange student we're letting live here.
And except for having to honk when we back out of the garage, she's been no problem at
KELLY Oh, yeah. No problem for anyone but little me.
MARCY What's the matter, Kelly?
BUD Oh, it's just that Yvette is dating all her boyfriends and Kelly has the social life of a
PEGGY (TO STEVE AND MARCY) My daughter's a little depressed. Could you handle this? We're
(PEGGY RETURNS TO THE TABLE. STEVE, MARCY AND KELLY SIT ON THE COUCH)
MARCY You mustn't worry over this, Kelly. You may find this hard to believe, but I myself
wasn't popular in school.
KELLY The Hell you say.
MARCY No. It's true. I couldn't get a date with a cool guy no matter how much I put out. I
mean, tried. So I finally started dating a nerd.
STEVE (LAUGHS) You dated a nerd?
MARCY Yes. His name was.. (GLANCES AT STEVE) ... well, his name isn't important. My friends
couldn't believe I had sunk that low. Boy, did they laugh when I let him take me to the
STEVE Wait a second. I took you to the homecoming Dance.
MARCY That's right. You did. (TO KELLY) Anyway, we went on dating and I endured the laughter
and the ridicule, and I came to marry... well, his name isn't important. The point is,
that yesterday's nerd can grow up to be a wonderful, giving man. So if all you can get is
a nerd, I say, try one. (PROUD) I did.
(SHE PUTS HER ARM AROUND STEVE)
STEVE Hey, wait a minute. I know who you're talking about. Well, let me tell you something. You
think you heard laughter. Well, I had some milk bones slipped in my pocket when I was
dating you, too. It was a real thrill for me showing up with you at the Chess Club
MARCY I was pretty. My mother told me so.
STEVE Compared to your mother, you were.
(KELLY ESCORTS THEM OUT ARGUING)
MARCY So now you don't like my mother?
STEVE What's not to like? A sixty year old woman who played the drums?
STEVE Geek girl.
KELLY So that's my future?
BUD Well, that and forty pounds.
KELLY Never. I'll never sink so low as to date a nerd. I may not have much, but I've got my
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - NEXT NIGHT
(KELLY ENTERS WITH MYRON, A NERD WHO WAS HER DATE. THERE IS A DARK STAIN ON HER BLOUSE)
MYRON It's been an illuminating evening, Ms. Bundy. I'm sorry I spilled my prune juice on your
KELLY And I'm sorry I punched you in the pelvis.
MYRON Perhaps I can have the pleasure of your company again next Friday. The museum is having a
quite interesting exhibit on the ever-changing Mollusk.
KELLY Only if you wear your green pencil pouch.
MYRON (PROUD) It turns 'em all on.
(YVETTE ENTERS WITH TWO HUNKS, HANK AND ANOTHER GUY. THEY ARE VERY AFFECTIONATE. THEY CONTINUE
KISSING AS MYRON AND KELLY STAND AWKWARDLY. YVETTE AND THE GUYS FINALLY BREAK)
YVETTE Well, I had a great time guys, but I gotta run.
(SHE KISSES HER FINGER AND TOUCHES IT TO THEIR NOSES. THEY SIGH AND EXIT)
MYRON Kelly, you know what would make this the perfect evening?
KELLY (SIGHS) What, Myron?
MYRON If Yvette would kiss me goodnight.
(KELLY PULLS OUT HIS PEN HOLDER AND STOMPS ON IT. HE PULLS OUT A GREEN ONE AND PUTS IT IN HIS
MYRON You just blew a good thing, baby.
(HE LOOKS YVETTE UP AND DOWN AND EXITS)
YVETTE I am so tired. Thank goodness you taught me how to sleep at school. So, how was your date
with Le Grand Geek?
KELLY We sat around with his parents and they showed me slides of their vacation at the
Ticonderoga Pencil Factory. The number two pencil is the backbone of the industry.
YVETTE That's fascinating.
KELLY It is not! It's the prattle of the dead. Listen, Yvette. I think we need to discuss...
YVETTE I would love to talk to my little American sister, but my next date will be here at any
moment. He told me to wear your leather mini. Do you mind? I mean, you are in for the
(YVETTE LOOKS SMUG AND EXITS UPSTAIRS. SHE CROSSES BUD ON THE WAY DOWN. SHE SMILES AT HIM. HE
LOOKS AT HER APPRECIATIVELY AND COMES DOWNSTAIRS. HE CARRIES A PAPER BAG. HE HUMS HAPPILY. HE
PASSES KELLY AS HE HEADS FOR THE WALL NEAR THE GARAGE)
BUD Hi, Grandma. Oops, sorry, Kell. It must've been the way the light hit your crow's feet.
(BUD PACES OFF A DISTANCE ON THE WALL, THEN TAKES DRILL OUT OF THE BAG)
SFX: DRILL NOISE
(AS HE DRILLS A HOLE LOW IN THE WALL, HE SINGS NELSON EDDY'S "WHEN I'M CALLING YOU", BUT HE
SINGS IT, "WHEN I'M SEEING YOU". KELLY APPROACHES HIM)
KELLY What are you doing?
BUD Building a home entertainment center.
SFX: DRILLING NOISE
KELLY Bud, I need help. I'm desperate.
BUD No, you're not. Desperate still implies hope.
KELLY Listen, you wouldn't want to help me get rid of Yvette, would you?
KELLY Well, I can't go on like this. I'll have to do it myself.
BUD Kelly, I say this with all sincerity. If you truly, truly want to get rid of her... I'll
kill you. I really will. This is not a joke. Dead.
(BUD RESUMES DRILLING)
(YVETTE COMES DOWNSTAIRS. SHE WEARS A LEATHER MINI)
YVETTE Bud, what are you doing?
BUD Uh, I'm giving you some ventilation. So heat can get through.
YVETTE Oh, it's all right, Bud. I don't care if you peep.
BUD (SOTTO TO KELLY) Yeah. I'll give that up. The day they pry her from my cold, dead hand.
YVETTE What a cute little fellow.
KELLY He's toilet film.
(YVETTE STARTS OUT)
YVETTE Au revoir.
(AL AND PEGGY ENTER)
AL Excuse me, young lady. Where do you think you're going?
YVETTE On a date.
PEGGY Oh, no you're not. I got a call from school today. It seems you're failing all your
subjects. We just can't have that.
KELLY (HOPEFULLY) I'm failing, too.
AL Kelly, please. We're talking to Yvette.
PEGGY He didn't mean that, dear. You have to study too. I suppose. But if she fails she has to
go back home.
AL And we're out five hundred dollars a month.
PEGGY Not that we care about the money. It's you we care about. Why, in the time you've been
here we've learned so much about Sweden.
PEGGY Whatever. The important thing is that we're responsible for you education and if there's
one thing we are, it's responsible parents.
(AL SNAPS PEGGY'S BRA. SHE GIGGLES)
PEGGY Stop that, Al.
AL I can't help it. I feel giddy. It's that darn eatin'.
(THEY HEAD UPSTAIRS. HE TICKLES HER UPSTAIRS. SHE PROTESTS GIGGLING)
YVETTE You Americans have such a zest for life. You're so nice. I wonder why the waiters in my
country spit in your food. Well, I guess we better study.
KELLY I'd love to, but I have to go dust off my accordian for school tomorrow. I've got my
eye on the big fat tuba player.
(KELLY HEADS UPSTAIRS)
YVETTE Oh, please. I need your help. I will beg someone to go out with you.
YVETTE If I fail I'll have to go back to France.
(KELLY SMILES AND TURNS BACK)
KELLY Listen. Why should we both study? Go out. Have a good time. I'll study and when we take
our tests, you can copy off me.
(SHE SMILES EVILLY)
YVETTE You would do that for me?
(KELLY PUTS HER ARM AROUND YVETTE)
KELLY What are little American sisters for?
INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT WEEK - NIGHT
(AL, PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE. THEY ARE EATING PIZZA. BUCK STARES AT A
CRUST OF PIZZA IN FRONT OF HIM)
PEGGY Who wants seconds on crust?
(KELLY RAISES HER HAND)
AL I can't believe it. Yvette flunked every subject. She even flunked French. She must be
the stupidest girl alive.
KELLY I'm mighty stupid, Daddy.
(AL PATS HER ON THE HEAD)
AL I know, pumpkin. But we're discussing something important.
PEGGY What Daddy means is... oh, what's the difference? They'll never give us another exchange
BUD I never got to use my holes.
(HE LAYS HIS HEAD ON THE TABLE)
KELLY What about me? I lost a sister. I'm hurting too.
SFX: HORN HONKING
KELLY Oops. My dates are here. Au revoir.
(SHE EXITS HAPPILY. THEY STARE AFTER HER A BEAT)
AL Au revoir? I dunno, Peg. I mean, okay, so Yvette was stupid, being French and all. But
what happened to Kelly? How could a child of mine be that dumb?
PEGGY (POINTS OFF) Look, Al. A camel.
(AL LOOKS OFF. PEGGY AND BUD TAKE HIS CRUST. AL KEEPS LOOKING AROUND)
END OF ACT TWO
Scribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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