HE AIN'T MUCH, BUT HE'S MINE
AL BUNDY .............. ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ........... KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES ......... DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES ......... AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY ........... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY ............. DAVID FAUSTINO
BUCK, THE DOG ......... MIKE, THE DOG
GINGER ................ LIZ KEIFER
RENEE ................. VERNEE WATSON JOHNSON
MOLLY ................. KIMMY ROBERTSON
SONYA ................. BRENDA LILLY
EXT. BUNDY HOUSE - EARLY MORNING
(WE HEAR BIRDS CHIRPING AND OTHER EARLY MORNING SOUNDS AS THE BUNDY HOUSEHOLD STILL SLUMBERS)
INT. BEDROOM - MORNING
(AL AND PEGGY ARE SLEEPING PEACEFULLY. PEGGY TAKES UP THE LARGER PORTION OF THE BED WITH HER KNEE
FIRMLY LODGED IN AL'S BACK AND HER HANDS GRIPPED AROUND HIS NECK. AL'S FACE IS FROZEN IN A SILENT
SFX: ALARM CLOCK
(PEGGY WAKES UP, TAKES AL'S ARM AND TOSSES IT TOWARD THE CLOCK, WHICH IT HITS WITH A THUD, TURNING OFF
SFX: ALARM OFF
(AL WAKES UP AND YELPS WITH PAIN)
PEGGY (STRETCHING) Good morning, honey.
(THEY TRY TO KISS BUT THE MORNING BREATH IS OVERWHELMING. THEY KISS THROUGH THEIR HANDS)
PEGGY Gee, you were great last night, Al. You snored "Vaya Con Dios" in your sleep, while your nose
hairs swayed romantically to the beat.
AL Hey, you were pretty good yourself, Peg. You sweated your silhouette on the sheets.
PEGGY Oh, honey. Let's do something special tonight. Y'know, like we used to.
AL You mean, like I say I don't wanna get married, and you book the hall?
PEGGY Actually, I was thinking we could find someplace romantic and grope each other in the dark.
AL I don't think I could find anything in the dark. None of the important parts are where they
used to be.
PEGGY Actually, you couldn't find them in the light, either.
(PEGGY CHUCKLES TO HERSELF)
AL Pillow talk all you want, Peg, but tonight's bowling night. I can't be with you. I'm gonna
PEGGY Well, it's just as well. I'm gonna be pretty tired after a whole day in the beauty parlor.
I guess we can't put it off any longer. We've both got a lot to do. Come on.
(THEY GET UP)
PEGGY What do you want for breakfast, honey? Bacon and eggs?
AL Ah, that'd be great.
(AL EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM AND CLOSES THE DOOR)
PEGGY Good. While you're at it, make me some, too.
(PEGGY GETS BACK IN BED. SHE SIGHS, CONTENTEDLY)
INT. BEAUTY PARLOR - LATER THAT MORNING
(PEGGY IS QUEEN OF THE BEAUTY PARLOR. SHE SITS REGALLY AT A HAIRDRYER WITH A CROWN OF ROLLERS,
IN A PINK SMOCK. NEXT TO HER ARE MARCY AND TWO OTHER FRIENDS, RENEE AND SONYA)
PEGGY Okay, how about this. How much would it take for you to do the deed of darkness with Garry
(THE WOMEN REACT REPULSED)
SONYA Ten million.
RENEE Twenty if he wants to talk.
PEGGY How about with Sonya's husband?
(THEY "EYWW". A BEAUTICIAN, MOLLY, WALKS BY)
MOLLY (TO MARCY) We'll be with you in a minute, Mrs. Rhoades.
MARCY (TO PEGGY) I'm kind of nervous about this. I don't like new people doing my hair. Oh, why did
Mr. Maurice have to get in that slap fight with Julio?
PEGGY Don't worry, Marcy. You'll look great. They're known for tailoring each hairdo to the
(A WOMAN WALKS BY WITH HAIR DONE JUST LIKE PEGGY. THEN AN OLD WOMAN WITH A WALKER PASSES. SHE HAS THE
SAME HAIRDO. MARCY REACTS)
SONYA So when was the last time you got it, Peggy?
PEGGY Got it, or got it good?
(THEY ALL LAUGH. AN ATTRACTIVE BLONDE, GINGER, WALKS OVER. THEY STOP AND STARE. GINGER SITS DOWN NEXT
(THEY STARE AT THE GIRL HATEFULLY. MOLLY COMES BY)
MOLLY We're ready for you now, Mrs. Rhoades, and we're gonna make you beautiful.
(MARCY LOOKS AT MOLLY'S PEGGY HAIR-DO)
MARCY Do you sell insurance, like at the airport?
RENEE (TO PEGGY) What's wrong with our husbands anyway? We go out of our way to look beautiful for them.
And all we are are things to strike a match on.
PEGGY I know. The only time Al looks at me is when he wants the cap off his beer. As if his teeth
aren't as good as mine.
SONYA I'll tell you, if I could get the paper boy to come up for some hot cocoa just once, I'd chuck my
husband in a second.
PEGGY (WITH SCORN) Husbands.
GINGER Actually, husbands are wonderful... if they're not your own.
(THIS IMMEDIATELY GETS THE OTHERS' INTEREST)
GINGER Well, they're grateful for the smallest bit of attention, they're horny as all get out and the
best part of it - their spirit's already been broken.
PEGGY Well, isn't breaking it part of the fun?
GINGER No. The fun is the condos, the cars and the sex every night. (LAUGHS) Believe me, the best
things in life are someone else's.
PEGGY Well, when do you get to see him? I mean, how do husbands get out?
GINGER Well, they may appear stupid, but they usually find an excuse to get away. Usually bowling.
(THIS GETS PEGGY'S ATTENTION)
GINGER That's what my current guy says. He is married to a real shrew. She doesn't cook for him, she
doesn't clean for him...
(THIS GETS MORE OF EVERYONE'S ATTENTION)
GINGER It's so easy to please a man who has nothing. Fry him up a burger and you get a twenty-four inch
(MOLLY APPROACHES GINGER)
MOLLY Are you ready for your color now, dear?
GINGER Sure. Now, don't let it go red. He says that color makes him want to throw up.
(THEY EXIT. THE GIRLS LOOK AT PEGGY A BEAT, THEN)
SYLVIA (CALLING OUT) Hey, everybody. Al's cheating on Peggy.
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - THAT NIGHT
(KELLY IS ON THE PHONE. BUD IS READING A COMIC BOOK. PEGGY AND MARCY ARE UPSTAIRS TALKING)
PEGGY (O.S.) Oh, Marcy. Stop Complaining. I think you look great.
(THEY COME DOWNSTAIRS. WE SEE THE DISTRAUGHT MARCY SPORTING "BIG HAIR", SIMILAR TO PEGGY'S)
PEGGY Oh, Marcy. I'm really worried about Al and this other woman.
MARCY Oh, who cares about your petty problems. I'm a helmet head.
(MARCY OPENS THE DOOR. WE HEAR CHILDREN LAUGHING AT HER O.S.)
KID (O.S.) Look. It's the Pope.
MARCY Lick a wall socket.
(MARCY EXITS. THE FOLLOWING CATCHES PEGGY'S ATTENTION)
KELLY (ON PHONE) Don't worry. Just do what I said and your girlfriend will never find out you're cheating
on her. Trust me. I'm an expert. All right. I'll see you tonight, under the bleachers. And this
time, leave your camera at home. Bye.
PEGGY Kelly, I want to talk to you about something.
KELLY (DEFENSIVELY) I'm a good girl, mommy. I said "no camera".
PEGGY Oh, I don't care what you do. This is about me. Bud, get lost.
(BUD GETS UP AND SITS BACK DOWN ON THE OTHER END OF THE COUCH. KELLY AND PEGGY SIT ON THE COUCH)
PEGGY Honey, look. You're obviously been the other woman ever since you learned to slit your
diapers up the side. But tell me. How come their girlfriends never find out?
KELLY Well, you know, people throw the word hussy around, but they don't understand the research and
preparation involved. No guy walks away from me without lessons in the art of cover-up.
BUD And the number of the free clinic.
KELLY Go look in the mirror and twitch. Anyway, the first thing that I teach them is that a woman can pick up
the scent of another woman on her man. So, to get rid of it, I have them rub their hands on
BUD Does he ask you to move or does he just work around you?
KELLY (TO PEGGY) Is there no kennel that will take him?
PEGGY Bud, please. We both know your sister's not a tramp, she's just popular. (TO KELLY) Okay.
Date's over. Your smell's off him. Now what?
KELLY Always make sure they have an excuse, somewhere they've been. The library, their parole
officer, the drunk tank...
KELLY Well, that works for older guys.
PEGGY Your father's out bowling tonight.
KELLY Oh. Well, I mean, I meant people older than Daddy. Are there any?
BUD Hey, Mom, do you think Dad is cheating on you?
PEGGY Of course not.
BUD Good. 'Cause we don't want to see you and Dad break up. We're almost like a family here. You two
should stay together forever. (BEAT) However, if you find that you can't, may I suggest
Mr. Rudnick, the butcher. He makes a nice living, we'd always have fresh meat on the table,
and season tickets to the Cubs. I can't say I like the sound of Bud Rudnick, but, pound for
pound, he's the better father.
KELLY Oh, wait. Not so fast, Bud. I've been scoping out Mr. Fletcher, the dry cleaner. He's got a Porsche,
Cable TV and a bad heart.
PEGGY Kids! Now, your father and I love each other very much, and I'm going to do everything in my
power to make sure we stay together.
BUD Then what did you get us all excited for? Is this another one of your cruel jokes?
(BUD GETS UP AND EXITS UPSTAIRS)
KELLY Yeah. What are we, just playthings for your amusement? Oh, that reminds me. I'm late for my
AL (O.S.) Hi, Kelly. Hey! What are you throwing that grass on me for?
KELLY (O.S.) 'Cause I don't want to be a Rudnick.
PEGGY (LOOKING AT HIM SUSPICIOUSLY) Hello, Al. How was... "Bowling"?
AL Well, Peg. It was... fine.
(SHE STARTS SNIFFING, FIRST HIS NECK, THEN AROUND HIS SHOULDERS, THEN HIS WHOLE BODY. AL RETURNS THE
AL Well, Peg, what's next? We go out, find a fire hydrant and lift our legs?
PEGGY I just wanted to make sure all the smells are where they should be.
(SHE SNIFFS HIS NECK AGAIN AND REACTS)
PEGGY Ooh, and they are. (BEAT) Is that a burger I smell on your breath?
AL No, Peg, it's our wedding cake. That's the last time I ate.
SFX: TELEPHONE RINGS
AL What's going on around here?
PEGGY I might ask you the same thing, Mr. Twenty-Four Inch Sony.
AL Don't call me a TV in my own home. You're a TV.
BUD (O.S.) Dad, it's for you. Some woman.
(AL PICKS UP THE DOWNSTAIRS PHONE)
AL (ON PHONE) Hello? Yeah. Yeah, I guess I can make it. Alright, alright. Bye. (TO PEGGY) That was
Jim Bauer's wife. It looks like he got some kind of stomach flu or something. It looks like I
gotta work for him at the store the rest of the week. Anything for supper?
PEGGY I hate you, Al!
(SHE RUNS UPSTAIRS)
AL (CALLS AFTER HER) Toaster.
(ON AL'S CONFUSED LOOK, WE:)
END OF ACT ONE
INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - SEVERAL NIGHTS LATER
(WE SEE HANDS MAKING A BURGER)
PEGGY I'll show that woman she's not the only one who can cook a burger.
(WE SEE MARCY MAKING THE BURGER. MARCY'S HAIR IS STILL PEGGY-LIKE. PEGGY WATCHES HER COOK)
PEGGY So you, like, reverse it?
MARCY It's called flipping it over. That way it gets cooked on both sides.
PEGGY Gee, I wonder if that would work with pancakes. Oh, Marcy. I can't believe it. I've taken the
best years of Al's life, and this is how he thanks me?
MARCY Peggy, I really don't think Al is cheating on you. I took an impromptu poll of all the women I
know, and as far as his desirability, Al ranked below ALF. Which means they'd rather make love
to a piece of cloth with a man's hand in it than with your husband.
PEGGY What if he is cheating on me?
MARCY Stand by your man. In court. Take him for everything and get yourself another man. A real man.
PEGGY I don't want a real man. I want Al.
PEGGY Oh, I don't know. Have you ever had a favorite pair of old shoes? They're boring and ugly and
stink to high heaven. But they're yours, you know? They're worn down and broken in, and when
you put them on, it feels like there's nothing's there. That's my Al. (BREAKING DOWN) I've lost
my stinking Al.
MARCY Not yet. I told you. I had Steve wear a disguise, and follow Al since last night. He has nothing
else to do, because he won't go near me with this hair.
(STEVE ENTERS. HE'S DRESSED LIKE A BUM -- OLD TORN CLOTHES, FINGERLESS GLOVES, BLACK SMUDGES ON HIS
FACE, A BANANA PEEL HANGING OFF HIS SHOULDER. HIS POSTURE AND EXPRESSION SHOW HE'S BEEN THROUGH THE
STEVE Hello, Peggy. Bee-woman.
PEGGY So what did you find out about Al?
STEVE I found out that he has the most pathetic life of any creature on this planet. And has nicer hair
than my wife.
(STEVE LAUGHS. MARCY STARES AT HIM HATEFULLY AND GESTURES FOR HIM TO GET ON WITH THE REPORT. STEVE
TAKES OUT A NOTEBOOK)
STEVE Now for my report. (READING) "Subject arrived at work at seven P.M. last night. Wept till
seven-thirty. Then turned on lights. Inventory till eight-thirty. Bathroom till ten. Ten oh
seven, ate dinner consisting of packaged condiments he lifted from Barney-Dog. Ten thirty-one,
the mall security guard comes by, clubs me about the head and ears and takes my watch." So
from here on, I don't know what time anything happens. (RESUMES READING) "Went home."
(HE LOOKS AT MARCY AND CLOSES HIS NOTEBOOK)
STEVE Looked at the sleeping Klingon that used to be my wife -
PEGGY (IMPATIENT) Come on, lice-capade. Is he cheating on me or not?
STEVE Absolutely not.
PEGGY You are a liar. All you men stick together.
MARCY Yeah. You probably weren't even watching Al. Where have you been?
STEVE You got me. An old girlfriend, Kathleen Turner, was in town, so I rubbed some grime and lice on
my body and we went dumpster hopping.
MARCY You hate my hair so much you'd really do that, wouldn't you?
STEVE Well... yeah.
MARCY Well, let's just see Kathleen Turner make melon balls for you.
STEVE I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
(THEY EXIT. A BEAT, THEN AL ENTERS)
AL Hey, Peg. I just saw Steve and Marcy. Boy, Marcy looks ridiculous.
(PEGGY RUNS OVER TO HIM WITH A HAMBURGER)
PEGGY Hi, Al. Honey, look. Look, look, look. I made you a hamburger. And I even cooked it on both sides.
AL Well, Peg, I'm not hungry. I filled up at the store on ketchup and mustard. Besides, I'm
goin' bowling tonight.
PEGGY Oh no you're not. I know what you're up to. You're been making the seven-ten split with
some blonde floozy.
AL That's what this is about? You think I'm cheating on you?
PEGGY Well, what else am I gonna think? You go to work, come home. I'm not blind, you know.
AL Peg, sit down.
AL Honey... you're an idiot. You think that, just because I don't tell you I love you, I don't want
to spend any time with you, and the sound of your voice often makes me cringe, that I want another
woman? You're the only one for me.
PEGGY You really mean that?
AL Well, sure. What do I always say? "Why go out for milk when you've got a cow at home?"
PEGGY Aw, honey. You really do love me. Let's go upstairs and have sex, right now.
AL Aw honey. You know what I always say. No. Now, look, Peg, I gotta go upstairs and wash the
feet off my hands.
(AL STARTS UPSTAIRS)
PEGGY I know you're cheating on me. And I'll find out. Mark my words. I'll win you back. And when I
do, you better pack your bags, 'cause you're outta here.
INT. BEAUTY PARLOR - THE NEXT DAY
(PEGGY STANDS WITH MARCY, RENEE AND SONYA STARING AT GINGER, WHO IS GETTING HER HAIR DONE BY MOLLY)
PEGGY Look at her. Sitting there all blonde and pretty. I bet Al takes his socks off for her.
SONYA Mine doesn't even take the cigar out of his mouth.
RENEE Mine does. He rests it on my forehead.
(RENEE AND SONYA WALK OFF)
PEGGY Oh, what could he see in her?
GINGER (TO MOLLY) You know how I like it. Just even out the ends but don't lose any length. He likes it long.
That's what turns him on.
(SHE PICKS UP A MAGAZINE AND BEGINS TO READ. PEGGY SMILES)
PEGGY Oh, does it, Al?
(SHE PICKS UP SCISSORS)
PEGGY Marcy, could you subtly distract the hairdresser?
MARCY The one who did my hair? I'll try.
(MARCY CROSSES TO MOLLY. FROM BEHIND, MARCY TOSSES A TOWEL OVER HER HEAD, BUNCHES IT AT THE BOTTOM,
GRABS THE END AND LEADS MOLLY OFF. SHE KICKS MOLLY IN THE LEGS AND LEADS HER OFF, ALL UNNOTICED
BY GINGER. PEGGY COMES UP BEHIND GINGER WITH HER SCISSORS. SHE PLAYS WITH GINGER'S HAIR)
GINGER Remember. Just the ends. Leave it long.
PEGGY (MOLLY-LIKE) Just like he likes it.
(PEGGY TAKES A SIDE OF HAIR. SHE PUTS THE SCISSORS NEAR THE ENDS, THEN SLIIIDES THE SCISSORS UP AS HIGH
AS SHE CAN)
PEGGY (MOLLY-LIKE) So, uh, how many husbands have you stolen?
GINGER Ten, or twelve... but the year is still young. And the best part is I've never been caught.
(GINGER LAUGHS. PEGGY LAUGHS WITH HER, THEN SNIPS A HUGE CHUNK OF HAIR OFF)
PEGGY (MOLLY-LIKE) I guess you're just too smart for 'em, huh?
GINGER You know, I've even had sex in their own beds, while their wives were out shopping.
(GINGER LAUGHS. PEGGY LAUGHS WITH HER, CUTTING OFF MORE HAIR. SHE STARTS HUMMING TO HERSELF. AL ENTERS)
PEGGY (TO GINGER) Just keep on reading, honey, and uh, I'll get right back, and we'll get started.
(PEGGY CARRIES THE HAIR OVER TO AL)
PEGGY Hi, Al. What brings you here?
AL Well, judging by the condition of my bowling ball, I figured you might be in a mood.
(AL HOLDS UP HIS BOWLING BALL. THERE IS A SMALL AXE WEDGED INTO IT)
AL Ah, look, honey. What the Hell. I've been thinkin'. You know, we're married. You deserve a jump every
now and then. So I checked the TV Guide. There's nothin' on Saturday night. So what say we make a date
somewhere between eight and eight-thirty, during Mr. Belvedeer.
PEGGY Well, maybe we could go a little longer if I were wearing this.
(SHE SHOWS HIM THE HAIR)
AL Well, what do I care what you're wearing? I'll just be watching the clock.
PEGGY Come on, I want you to meet someone.
(THEY GO BACK TO GINGER)
AL (TO PEGGY) Who's this?
GINGER (TO PEGGY) Who's this?
PEGGY You mean you're not sleeping with him?
GINGER Please. Even I have standards.
(PEGGY LOOKS AT THE HAIR IN HER HANDS AND REACTS, HORRIFIED)
INT. BEDROOM - THAT NIGHT
(AL AND PEGGY ARE IN BED)
AL So you were really jealous, huh, Peg? Well, who could blame you? A stallion like me only comes
around once a year.
PEGGY Exactly once a year. Yeah, I guess it was pretty silly of me, thinking you were cheating. (LITTLE LAUGH)
How stupid. Like someone else would have you. I feel like such a fool. I mean, you are a middle-aged
shoe salesman. Some woman would have to be pretty darn desperate...
AL Okay, Peg. That's enough of an apology, now. Goodnight.
(HE SHUTS OUT THE LIGHT AND ROLLS OVER)
PEGGY (SEXILY) Al?
AL Leave me alone.
(SHE SMILES AND PATS HIM AFFECTIONATELY)
PEGGY Oh, well. At least it's nice to know I'm the only one you're not doing it with. Good night, honey.
(SHE PUTS HER KNEE IN HIS BACK AND HER HANDS AROUND HIS NECK, JUST LIKE IN THE OPENING SHOT. THEY GO
END OF ACT TWO
Modified from the First Draft script by Nitzan Gilkis
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