DEAD MEN DON'T DO AEROBICS
Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Mike, the Dog...........Buck
Tom Lahm................Jim Jupiter
Jim Jupiter is on TV, working out, with his two beautiful assistants, Bunny and Lola.
Peggy and Marcy are sitting on the couch eating bonbons. They are eating and licking their
fingers in sync to the voice of Jim Jupiter.
JIM) And one and two and three and four... and one and two and three and four... and one
and two and three and four and... rest!
Peggy and Marcy sigh exhaustedly and put a bonbon back in the box.
JIM) OK, ladies. Let's take a break while I mix up another Jim Jupiter Spirulina and
Wheat Grass shake.
Jim starts to mix up his shake. Peggy and Marcy admire his every move.
PEGGY) Mmm, look at that sweat glistening offa Jim Jupiter's arms. [to the TV] Come on baby,
Mama wants a salt lick.
MARCY) I wouldn't mind being the first woman on Jupiter. Not that Steve is anything to
Marcy and Peggy look at each other, then burst out laughing.
PEGGY) It does seem odd, doesn't it? I mean, Al and Steve look nothing like Jim and yet
they're all lumped together as men.
MARCY) Well, let's not be hasty. Men like Jim Jupiter may not be all they're cracked up to
be. Take away his biceps, triceps, quadriceps, washboard stomach, and what have you
Al comes home from work, with his shirt and tie undone.
AL) Whoa! No more tacos at lunch for me.
Peggy and Marcy stare at him distastefully.
Al takes of his shirt and throws it to Peg.
AL) Peg, can you wring this shirt out? I gotta wear it tomorrow. Any food?
PEGGY) Yeah, there's a six pack in the fridge.
AL) I could use something to wash it down with. Why don't you [pats Marcy's shoulder]
pop this chicken in the oven! Oh, excuse me, Marce, that's an honest mistake.
MARCY) Squish away from me. [to Peggy] You know, I've known him for four years and I've never
seen him dry.
PEGGY) You've never had sex with him. [looks at the TV] Oh, look. Jim's greased up and
AL) Who's the Sissy Mary?
MARCY) That's Jim Jupiter, the healthiest man in Chicago.
AL) Oh yeah? Does he have guns like these?
Al displays his biceps, lifting his arms over Peggy and Marcy's shoulders.
They react to the smell.
PEGGY) Put your arms down, Al, you're killing the plants. [looks at the TV again] Ooh, Jim's
JIM) OK ladies, I guess you all know what it's time to do now?
AL) Dash off to a Judy Garland concert?
Peggy and Marcy shush him.
JIM) It's time to announce the winner of the free Jim Jupiter workout. Yep, Jim is going
to spend two whole healthy weeks with some lucky woman...
PEGGY) Me me me me me me me me me me me!
MARCY) Me me me me me me me!
Jim, Bunny and Lola walk over to a big contest barrel full of entires.
JIM) Now, what lucky lady will spend two weeks with Jim Jupiter, the healthiest man in
Bunny and Lola spin the barrel, then Jim draws out an entry.
He opens the envelope and reads it:
JIM) Ms... Peggy Bundy!
Peggy applauds ecstatically. Marcy stares in shock. Peggy excitedly leaps up and runs around
PEGGY) I can't believe it! I can't believe it. I've never won anything. I've never had
anything. Oh finally, someone special to share my life with.
AL) Uh, Peg, I know you never asked for my permission when we got married or when you
conceived the children, but if you think that fruit loop is staying in my house...
Peggy ignores him and runs back to a depressed Marcy.
PEGGY) Oh, Marcy. Marcy! Jim Jupiter is gonna do squat thrusts for two whole weeks in my
house. Can you believe it?
MARCY) Oh, so what. Who needs him? I already have a real man at my house.
Steve is heard singing loudly outside.
STEVE) [singing] A Wandering Minstrel, I, a thing of shreds... [he pops his head in the
front door] What do you say, Marce? Want to go see "Mikado" tonight? [he enters,
singing] For he's going to marry Yum-Yum, Yum-Yum!
MARCY) [grabbing Peggy] Oh please, let me watch Jim squat. Just once.
PEGGY) OK, but don't touch. Now, I've got to buy a new leotard. I want to look great for Jim.
AL) Forget it, he's not coming, no ma'am, no chance, no way, no how! [Peggy and Marcy
start to leave] Peg, I'm sorry, but this time I just have to say... [Peggy and Marcy
exit] ... I have spoken!
STEVE) Wanna go see "Mikado" tonight?
AL) Who's he fightin'?
Peggy, wearing her new leotard, looks out the door window, waiting anxiously for Jim.
Kelly is sitting on the couch.
PEGGY) I can't believe it. I get to watch Jim Jupiter flex and ripple in the privacy of my
Bud comes downstairs.
BUD) Mom, do I really have to share a room with Kelly while that exercise guy is here?
I'm gonna be up all night, what with all those guys babbling, "Hurry up, I gotta get
back to the ship".
KELLY) Oh, it's really gonna be easy for me to sleep either, with you whispering "I love
you" to your hand.
PEGGY) Kids, will you please forget about your empty little lives and think about mine?
Jim Jupiter will be here any minute. Now, how do I look?
PEGGY) Good. I didn't want to send any mixed signals. [the doorbell rings] Oh, he's here!
Now, everybody behave normally, and don't say anything stupid.
[she opens the door to Jim] Come to Mama!
JIM) I know, I know.
Jim comes inside.
JIM) I'm Jim Jupiter, the healthiest man in Chicago.
BUD) Hi, I'm Bud Bundy, the studliest man on Earth.
KELLY) I'm Kelly Bundy. It's a pleasure to meet you, Jim.
Kelly drools at the sight of Jim and wipes her lips with her hand.
Peggy pulls Jim to face her.
PEGGY) [To Kelly] He's mine. [to Jim] Hi! I'm Peggy Bundy. Don't let the wedding ring
fool you. Means nothing to me.
BUD) Jim... [Jim stares] Ah, Bud Bundy, we met a moment ago. I have a question
for you. [He talks quietly to Jim] How do I gain uh, upper body strength?
KELLY) Wear weights on your arms when you squeeze your pimples?
BUD) Stuff a bra!
KELLY) Pick a nose!
PEGGY) Now kids, Jim just got here and I'm sure he'd just like to strip down - Oh. Haha.
I mean, sit down and relax. [Peggy leads Jim to the couch] So go away, dinner's in two
They sit on the couch and Peggy stares at him.
Bud stomps up the stairs.
Kelly starts her way upstairs, stops and drops her bracelet.
She bends over in a deliberate manner to pick it up, her bottom facing towards Jim.
JIM) Uh-uh. The correct way to pick something up is to bend from the knees.
KELLY) What a shame. A body like that and not a brain in his head.
Kelly immediately turns too early and walks into the wall. She straightens herself, then
continues her way upstairs.
PEGGY) OK Jim, bend me, shape me, any way you want me.
JIM) Well, you've got a good, healthy attitude about exercise. I guess we could start
with some warm-ups. [He gets up and moves the coffee table to one side] Get down on
Peggy smiles excitedly.
Peggy gets down on the floor and wiggles her bottom at Jim. He stands over her, holding her
Al enters and sees Jim and his wife in this position.
AL) Hi Peg! [bends down to her] How was your day?
PEGGY) Uh, looking up. Al, meet Jim.
JIM) [holding out his hand] I'm Jim Jupiter, the healthiest man in Chicago.
AL) Then you should heal quick when I pull your spine through your mouth.
Peggy stands between them.
PEGGY) Now, now, now, now boys. No need to fight. We're all adults here. And I think we can
come to an understanding. But I'm warning you, if you two can't come to an understanding,
I'm afraid you'll just have to leave, Al.
AL) Peg, can I see you for a minute over here?
PEGGY) Sure, honey.
They walk about three steps away from Jim.
AL) Now, Peg, as you know I am the man. And a man's home is his coffin.
PEGGY) Don't you understand? I just want what every other woman wants: someone besides her
husband to live with! I mean, what do you think I'm gonna do with him? Lick him up
and down? [looks at Jim, who smiles at her] Nuzzle my head against his rippling,
heaving chest? Plant little angel kisses all over his glistening -
AL) [cutting her off] OK, so it's innocent! But I still don't understand what you need him
for. You wanna bend - dust. You wanna reach - sweep. If you want sex - just let me know
when you're finished, I'll come home! Now Peg, I'm only gonna say this one time. I want
him out of here, I want you in the kitchen, and I want my supper now.
Peggy turns her back on Al and sits next to Jim again.
PEGGY) OK, Jim. Al's going out to dinner.
JIM) [to Al] Instead of going out to dinner, why don't you stay here and work out with us?
I mean, what's the point of having a beautiful, sexy, young wife if you're gonna look
like [distastefully] that?
AL) Listen, Jimbellina. Don't let these slits on my wrists fool you. I'm in great shape,
I was an athlete in high school.
JIM) So was I. I was a gymnast.
AL) A gymnast isn't an athlete. A gymnast is a... like a, like a girl!
The doorbell rings.
Al answers it to Steve and Marcy. Marcy is wearing an exercise outfit.
MARCY) I'm just here to borrow some Spirulina.
She shoves Al out of the way and runs over to Jim, Steve following her.
MARCY) [mock surprise] Jim Jupiter! [to Steve] Look, honey, it's Jim Jupiter! What a surprise.
She shakes his hand.
STEVE) Gee, I bet he came in that van outside that says, "Jim Jupiter".
MARCY) Shut up. [to Jim] Hi, I'm Marcy and this is my husband, Scrawny. [Steve gives her a
look] I mean Steve.
Steve and Jim shake hands.
JIM) Hi, I'm Jim Jupiter. Nice to meet you, Steve. Nice firm handshake.
STEVE) Yeah, well, I played a little sousaphone in high school.
MARCY) Were you two getting ready to exercise? I hate to interrupt.
PEGGY) Well, actually, Jim and I were just getting started...
MARCY) [cutting her off] Good, good, good. Well, I'm all warmed up. Let's get down on the
floor and get pumped.
AL) [To Steve] You believe these two want this guy? You know what he did in high school?
He was a gymnast!
Steve and Al laugh.
Steve puts his arm around Al.
STEVE) Ah, football and the band... that's where the men were in our day, right, buddy?
AL) What say we go get us a pizza, Steve?
STEVE) Yeah, let's eat till we vomit. You know, like men. [as they start their way out the
door, he sings] For we're going to eat yum-yum, yum-yum.
JIM) Let's begin with some in-place runs. You know, to burn off the tension.
Jim starts running in place.
Peggy and Marcy run behind him.
Marcy admires his rear.
PEGGY) [to Marcy] Y'know, you've got a lot of nerve. Did I come over to your house when you
won the Woman In Banking Award?
MARCY) Yes you did. And you stole a whole chicken!
PEGGY) Yeah, but at least I didn't wiggle my butt in front of it when I did it!
JIM) Follow me, ladies.
Jim runs around the back of the couch, Marcy following him and Peggy following Marcy.
PEGGY) You know, Marcy, you're right. There is plenty of Jim to go around, so let's not
forget we're friends. Agreed?
As they run past the door, Peggy shoves Marcy outside, shuts the door and puts the chain on it.
She resumes her place behind Jim, now in front of the couch.
JIM) Three and four and rest! [looks around] What happened to Marcy?
PEGGY) Oh, she lost interest.
Marcy bangs loudly on the door.
MARCY) Let me in, you swine!
PEGGY) OK, Jim, I'm beat. I'm just gonna sit over here while you flex me off to sleep.
She relaxes onto the couch.
JIM) It's not quite how it works, Mrs. Bundy.
PEGGY) Ahh, just how does it work, Jim?
Peggy is running up and down the stairs
JIM) ...one and two and three and four and five and six...
Peggy is using a broom to exercise her arms. She doesn't look happy.
JIM) ...twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen...
Peggy is working out with a set of dumbbells, losing strength and becoming out of time with Jim.
JIM) ...forty-sevem forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty! Fifty-one, fifty-two, fifty-three,
fifty-four, fifty-five, fifty-six, fifty-seven, fifty-eight, fifty-nine, sixty!
Sixty-one, sixty-two, sixty-three, sixty-four, sixty-five, sixty-six...
Peggy is doing sit-ups with one arm behind her head. Jim is holding down her feet.
She is crying.
Peggy is lying on the floor, face down. Jim is still counting enthusiastically.
Only Peggy's arms raise and lower.
JIM) And one ninety-seven, one ninety-eight, one ninety-nine, and two hundred! OK, I think
you're warmed up. Let's get started!
Peggy pulls herself up wearily and stares at Jim.
JIM) No bonbons.
PEGGY) OK, Jim. Let's clear up a few misconceptions. There are two things Peggy Bundy doesn't
do. Number one: cook, clean, sew, vacuum, iron and parent. And number two: exercise.
JIM) Well, Jim Jupiter loves a challenge.
PEGGY) [firmly] Bonbon.
JIM) I'm here to change your whole life, Peggy Bundy.
JIM) Mrs Bundy, you're a strong woman, but I'm the healthiest man in Chicago. I can see
this week is going to be a test of wills...
The Bundy house.
Text on screen: SIX DAYS LATER
Peggy and Jim are sitting on the couch, watching TV. Peggy is smoking. Jim is slumped, and
is now sporting some gut.
JIM) Bonbon. [Peggy passes him the box and he takes one] I like strawberry the best,
PEGGY) Actually, the mocha are my...
JIM) [cutting her off] Ssh! Oprah's on.
Jim puts two bonbons in his mouth. They watch and eat.
Peggy and Marcy walk from the kitchen to the couch with a box of bonbons.
MARCY) Peggy, you look fabulous. That time with Jim really must've paid off. Do you feel
PEGGY) Oh, I certainly do. And Jim said that if I stick with my program, I'll life a long
and happy life. [she eats a bonbon and looks at the TV] Oh! He's on.
They watch the TV.
ANUNCR) And now, ladies, live from Chicago, The Jim Jupiter Show!
Jim is sitting slumped on an armchair, smoking a cigarette. Bunny and Lola sit either side
of him. Jim has even more of a gut.
JIM) Hi, ladies. I'm Jim Jupiter, [puffs his cigarette] the healthiest man in Chicago.
[He puts out his cigarette in a full ashtray. He wearily stands up] Now, let's get that
uh, exercise thing over with, shall we? [coughs, then starts to do arm lifts] And one...
Peggy and Marcy are leisurely doing half-hearted arm lifts as they sit and watch Jim.
MARCY) Put on some weight, hasn't he?
PEGGY) Oh, he's just pumped.
MARCY) In his chin?
PEGGY) Well, don't worry about Jim. He knows what he's doing. He's the healthiest man in
Jim starts coughing. He wipes sweat from his brow, then crosses his arms across his chest and
Peggy and Marcy stop in mid-arm lift and stare at the TV in shock.
Bunny and Lola gather around Jim. Bunny checks his pulse.
BUNNY) Oh no. He, he's dead!
Peggy and Marcy look very worried and are transfixed on the TV.
BUNNY) My boyfriend's dead!
LOLA) Your boyfriend, he's my boyfriend!
BUNNY) No, mine!
LOLA) He's mine!
The two girls grab each other's hair and start fighting.
The TV station stops airing the program and the color bars are displayed.
MARCY) I can't believe it - he looked so healthy when he was here. What could've
happened to him?
Peggy worriedly picks up her box of bonbons and stares at it, then looks back at the TV.
Close-up of a newspaper headline that reads: HEALTHIEST MAN IN CHICAGO DROPS DEAD.
There is a picture of Jim in his prime, smiling happily.
The camera pulls back to reveal Al reading the newspaper sitting on the couch with Peg next
to him and Buck's head resting on his knee.
AL) [reading] "Blood sugar level high enough to kill three horses. Cholesterol level
high enough to dam the mighty Mississip." That's writin'!
PEGGY) Oh, it's my fault, Al. I did it. I killed the healthiest man in Chicago.
AL) Well, you've been killing me and you don't seem to care.
PEGGY) Yeah, you're different. You've been as good as dead for years. But what about our
children? I mean, is our lifestyle killing them? Do we care enough about our kids?
Are we concerned enough as parents?
AL) Where are the kids?
PEGGY) How would I know?
Bud and Kelly enter with bags of burgers.
BUD) Burgers here! Who had the wet and greasy?
Al reaches for the burgers, but Peggy beats him to it. She grabs the bags and tosses them out of
PEGGY) No more burgers for this family.
Buck jumps off the couch and runs quickly out after the burgers.
KELLY) But how do we get our vitamins and rocks?
BUD) That's, that's "minerals", Kel.
PEGGY) Don't you get it? Did Jim Jupiter die in vain? Well, Jim taught me that enjoying your
food only leads to death. And I will not be responsible for the death or enjoyment of
any member of this family. So, from now on, we Bundys are gonna learn from our mistakes.
Bud, you will not be a shoe salesman. And from now on, we're going to start eating right.
KELLY) You mean with forks?
PEGGY) Look, I am trying to show love for this family. So either shut up or get out.
Al, Kelly and Bud casually head out the door, but Peggy stops them.
PEGGY) Get back here! Alright now, I will make the first sacrifice. [she picks up her bonbons]
My bonbons. [She throws the box outside and Buck yelps] Sorry, Buck! And now, we eat
BUD) Nice life. Mom kills some guy and we have to suffer.
KELLY) Yeah, why didn't we have to use forks when Aunt Pearly killed Uncle Dave?
BUD) Well, because that was just an accident. I mean, the ice pick just flew out of her
KELLY) Thirteen times?
Al, Kelly and Bud are seated at the table.
Peggy is in the kitchen, making health shakes.
Kelly picks up a jar of Wheat Germ.
KELLY) Daddy, if I eat anymore of this "Wheat Gurm", I'm gonna lose my mind.
Al and Bud exchange a look.
BUD) Dad, you think you're the boss, do something.
AL) No can do, Bud. See, your mother's never actually physically killed a man before.
So, I'm afraid we're gonna have to bear with her for a few days.
Peggy brings a bowl of something to the table and glops a spoonful onto each plate.
PEGGY) Okay, family. Home cookin'!
KELLY) What is it tonight, Mom? Bee spit?
PEGGY) Sunflower paste.
BUD) [picking up a rice cake] Hmmm, I'm gonna spread mine on Styrofoam.
PEGGY) That's a rice cake, Bud. Now, isn't this delicious? I'm so glad we're eating healthy.
We're cleansing ourselves. And I do, I feel ten years younger!
[she begins to cry] I wanna live! But not like this!
She drops her plate onto the table.
Al motions the family to sit on the couch.
AL) C'mon, everybody, family meeting. [they all sit] Now, Peg, I know you think you're
responsible for killing Jim. And yet you have no guilt of squashing the life out of me,
but that's another meeting. Anyway, what I'm saying is, you didn't kill Jim. Good health
killed Jim. See, he purified his body so completely, that when finally called on to do
so, he couldn't handle the grease and sugar and toxic waste that we call food. He
rendered himself extinct. See, healthy people are like dinosaurs. They're not fit to
survive. Jim's body couldn't the burgers and bonbons and pastry suckin's like real
Americans. You see, Peg, WE are the truly strong.
PEGGY) You really think so, Al?
AL) Absolutely. See that cockroach over there?
PEGGY) [points] That one?
AL) [points] No, that one. Well, any one of them. You don't see them carrying of a can of
Wheat Germ, do you?
KELLY) Gurm, Dad.
AL) Thank you, Pumpkin. Anyhow, Peg, let's follow the example of our friend the cockroach.
They were before man, they'll be here after man. You know why? They eat crap. And I say,
if it's good enough for the cockroach, then it's good enough for my family!
They all seem to agree with this statement.
PEGGY) Oh Al, you really do care.
AL) Yeah, darn right I do. And I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I'm hungry
enough to block a colon! Grease burgers for everyone, on Dad! What do you say?
They all excitedly get up and head out the door.
The shout things like "Grease!" "Lard!", etc, leaving the living room bare.
Text on screen:
"This show is dedicated to our brother, The Mighty Cockroach. Let him show us the way."
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT
PRODUCED BY: ELLEN L. FOGLE
PRODUCED BY: MARCY VOSBURGH & SANDY SPRUNG
SUPERVISING PRODUCER: ARTHUR SILVER
SUPERVISING PRODUCER: KATHERINE GREEN
DIRECTED BY: GERRY COHEN
WRITTEN BY: KATHERINE GREEN
CREATED BY: RON LEAVITT & MICHAEL G. MOYE
CO-PRODUCER: BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER
STORY EDITOR: ELLEN L. FOGLE
STORY EDITOR: RALPH FARQUHAR
CREATIVE CONSULTANT: RICHARD GURMAN
CASTING BY: TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A.
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING: TIM FLACK
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISION: MICHAEL ANDREAS
PRODUCTION DESIGNER: DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR: BERNARD VYZGA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: RICHARD DRANEY
STAGE MANAGERS: GARY RAMINEZ, STEPHANIE SCOTT
PRODUCTION ASSOCATE: KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: SUSAN JANG
UNIT MANAGER: BOB PLATAK
TECHNICAL MANAGER: HORACE SCOTT
PRODUCTION SERVICES CO-ORDINATOR: TONY NEELY
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: JIM RALSTON
LIGHTING DIRECTORS: THOMAS W. MARKLE, DEBBIE BAIRD
AUDIO: ART MORGENSTEIN
VIDEOTAPE EDITORS: LARRY HARRIS, RON BODER
RE-RECORDING: BLAINE STEWART, CRAIG PORTER
COSTUMES: MARTI MASAMITSU
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP: SUE FORREST-CHAMBERS
HAIR STYLIST: DOTTIE McQUOWN
PRODUCTION SURPERVISED BY: FRAN MCCONNELL
PRODUCTION CONSULTANTS: DEBORAH CURTAN, EDUARDO CERVANTES
VIDEOTAPED AT ABC TELEVISION CENTRE IN HOLLYWOOD
IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION: KEN STUMP
COPYRIGHT (C) 1989
All Rights Reserved
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISON
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT production
Transcribed by Marriedaniac
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