HOT OFF THE GRILL
Ed O'Neill...............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal..............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison...........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse............Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate......Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...........Bud Bundy
Mike the Dog.............Buck
Sheryl Bernstein.........Voice of TV announcer
The opening scene is of the Bundy kitchen.
As the camera pans around to the couch, we see Buck with his face in an empty bowl.
Peggy, Bud and Kelly are watching a TV report from Fort Lauderdale.
TV Yes, Connie, I'm coming to you from Fort Lauderdale and we're rocking to celebrate
summer's last hurrah, Labor Day Weekend. I don't even know why we're on, because you'd
have to be a real no-life to be home on a picture perfect day like this.
Peggy switches off the TV.
KELLY Oh, Mom, please. Is this how I'm gonna spend Labor Day weekend? Sitting between my mother
and... [referring to Bud] ... a pizza with everything?
BUD The holiday got you down, Kel? Well, let's just pretend it's a normal day. Get up on the
table, dance around and me and Mom will put dollars down your blouse.
Kelly hits Bud on the forehead.
PEGGY Now Bud, not everything Reverend Felcher says from the pulpit is true.
[Peggy pats Kelly on her knee]
AL Greeting, Vultures. Your meal ticket's here. [Buck runs upstairs] [Al laughs]
Guess where I have been?
Al sits on the couch between Peg and Kelly, then puts his arms around their shoulders.
There are huge sweat stains under his arms.
PEGGY Locked in the trunk of your car with a dead cat?
AL And no one understands why I scream on the way home. Anyhow, I was thinking how we could
have a perfect Labor Day, and then it hit me. While all those families of morons are
wasting their time going to the beach, guess where we're gonna be?
KELLY No, not another Family Barbecue.
AL Yes, A Family Barbecue! [holding out a hand] Who's gonna give it a "Whoa Bundy" here?
[no response] ...Eh?
[Peggy, Kelly and Bud get up from the couch and walk away] ...No one? Fine.
PEGGY Oh, Al. Honey, don't get us wrong. It's not like we don't enjoy sweltering in the
backyard, being bitten by horseflies and watching you scratch your sweaty back with our
salad forks. But Honey, just once we would like to do something WE want.
AL Well, we can't do something that you want, and I'll tell you why. Because its, it's Labor
Day, not Leech Day - that's Christmas. It's not Parasite Day - that's Mother's Day. See,
this is a holiday for the working guy. It celebrates all the people who work so that all
the people who don't... [referring to his family] ...get to live longer and have more
than he does. So tomorrow, unless, God willing, I die in my sleep, I get up for me and
celebrate for me. Tomorrow is Al Bun-Day.
PEGGY Gee, I thought that was Al-O-Ween.
KELLY I don't want to sit around the house all day and sleep. It's like being at school.
AL No, the difference between here and school is, you'll be out of here when you're eighteen.
Now, tomorrow, your job is to go shopping.
BUD Why can't we shop today? Traffic too light?
AL Because if you were paying attention all these years you'd know that Al Bundy doesn't
barbecue with day old fixin's. Now, it's your job tomorrow to get me fresh meat, fresh
cheese and fresh charcoal. And watch those chips; I don't want you getting anything that
says "natural ingredients". Now kids, since we're all gonna spend the whole day together
tomorrow, today -- get out. Oh, and don't forget, I don't want my ketchup in those
plastic squeeze things, I want bottles just like the Pilgrims had.
PEGGY I wish you could have seen your father when he was in High School before all this
AL As I recall, they almost did.
Kelly and Bud start to leave.
KELLY I can't wait to have kids so I can make them suffer.
BUD And when they ask who their dad is, you can play Wheel of Father.
Kelly and Bud go upstairs.
Al brings Peggy back to the couch with him.
AL Now, Peg, I don't want you to think that I forgot you in all this, your job is very
important too. You get to bring the benches from the basement, and scrape off the bird
PEGGY Traditionally, the job of the queen.
AL That, and killing and eating her mate. Oh, what a day this is gonna be! Can you feel the
PEGGY Oh Al, I've given up on excitement. I'm going for relief. Which brings us a little
promise you made just last Spring.
AL Sex again? Peg, we've been married seventeen years now. Can't we just be friends?
PEGGY No! I don't like you, I just want to have sex with you.
The doorbell rings and Peggy crosses to the door.
PEGGY Oh come on, Honey, you promised me that when you were rested, we could do it. And
besides, the way you do it, it's just like resting anyway.
Peggy opens the door to Steve and Marcy. Marcy is carrying an urn.
Marcy steps into the room and Steve waits by the door.
MARCY Oh, Peggy, I don't know what to do. Steve is an unfeeling cur. As you know, my sainted
Aunt Tuney passed away.
Steve steps inside.
STEVE Sainted, my foot. She used to pay for sailors.
MARCY She was sixty-seven and they wouldn't come for free. Any... [notices that Peggy has
disppeared from her left] Anyway, I was her favorite, and the honor of caring for her
sainted ashes fell to me.
STEVE And the horrible cross to bear of caring for her hundred thousand dollars fell to her
Marcy takes the lid off of the urn.
MARCY Oh, Aunt Tuney. No one understands but me.
STEVE Oh, we understand -- you're insane. Must you carry that urn wherever you go? [to the
Bundys] She sleeps with it, you know.
PEGGY [patting Al's knee] I can't throw stones.
STEVE Look, Marcy, all I'm saying is that it's unhealthy for you to walk around with a load of
ashes while five moth-eaten cats have a bigger Mercedes than I do. Damn nouveau cats.
AL Guys, guys, guys. This should be a happy day, not fighting, and arguing and... having sex
with our spouses. So I'm going to do something that I wouldn't normally do.
PEGGY Use a Q-Tip?
AL Oh, want some loving, babe? [to the Rhoades] Anyhow, us Bundys are having a barbecue
tomorrow and I'm inviting you two to share some of our famous Bundy Burgers.
MARCY Well, I suppose Aunt Tuney would like a day out in the fresh air.
STEVE She got enough of that when we rowed her around the lake yesterday. Thank you, Al, we'll
be glad to come. What can we bring?
AL Well, just the plates, and some food, and some beers and leave the rest to us. Oh, this
is gonna be just great. You know, there's nothing like spending Labor Day with the family,
good food, and good friends. [reality dawns on Al] Oh, God. What a charade.
Al breaks down crying. Peggy comforts him. Al looks at her.
AL Oh God!
The Bundy backyard.
Al is lying on a beach chair with a can of beer. He is singing along with "Who'll Stop the
Rain" playing on the radio.
AL "Still the rain kept falling, while it pounds my ears. And I wonder, still I wonder -
Who'll stop the rain?"
Peggy can be heard moaning off screen.
PEGGY Owww! [Al turns off the radio] This is heavy. Can you give me a hand?
Al gets up, adjusts his chair, then sits back down again.
Peggy enters, dragging a bench into the backyard.
PEGGY Thanks, Al. I can take it from here.
AL Peg, I told you, I gotta conserve my energy if you expect sex tonight.
PEGGY Sex tonight? My legs are aching, my head is killing me, and I feel queasy. Feel like I
already had sex with you. So just forget about tonight. When this day is over, I am going
upstairs and sleep for a week. [Peg laboriously pushes the bench over to the table] This
is the worst day of my life. Lugging and scrubbing, pushing and pulling, dragging and
hauling, washing and wiping. [Peg bends over to scrub the bench] God, my back aches.
[Al moves his head back and forth along with the movement of Peggy's butt] My front aches.
Oh. You know, I could die from this. God, I'm so tired.
Al stands behind Peggy with a big stupid grin on his face. Peg turns to face him.
PEGGY Alright. Now what little dirty job do you have for me?
Al leers devilishly. Peggy notices the look on Al's face.
PEGGY Oh, no. [Al holds Peggy and they lay down onto the table out of our view] I'm so tired!
A short time later.
Al is sitting on the beach chair. Peggy is scrubbing the table.
PEGGY I hate you, Al. I really, really hate you. You know, a gentleman would have said, "Thanks
for the good time, babe. Let me clean that bird doody while you rest." But not you.
You are a pig, Al. And my arms are killing me.
Al is transfixed on Peggy's gyrating butt again.
AL Scrub harder.
PEGGY Oh, it still won't come off... Somebody help me.
Al appears behind Peggy.
PEGGY Don't just sit there, do something.
Al taps Peggy on her shoulder and a horrified look appears on Peg's face. Al indicates a '2nd
time' to Peg, and Peggy clings onto the table as Al drags her away.
PEGGY Oh God, No! Oh, no! I'm so tired! Nooooo!
A short while later.
Peggy is lying on top of the table.
PEGGY [gasping] Water.
Al comes out of the house holding a can of beer and happily singing.
AL And I wonder, what I wonder, who'll stop the... [speaks cheerfully] Hey Babe!
PEGGY [weakly] Water.
AL No time for that now, babe, gotta get ready for the barbecue. Oh, and listen, Honey:
don't touch my grill.
PEGGY It's filthy, Al. Don't you want me to lick it clean so we can have sex again?
AL No. I like it just the way it is. Last year's grease on the grill, last year's ashes on
the bottom. That's what makes a Bundy Burger special. Oh, Honey, would you clean up that
spot that your hair made when it got caught on that nail? I feel good, don't you?
Al laughs and goes into the house. Peggy gets up and goes to scrub the table again.
PEGGY I hate barbecues. I hate Labor Day. I hate watching buzzards circle while I'm having sex.
Peggy goes to get more water from the garden hose, but when Peggy picks up the hose, it hooks
around one leg of the barbecue. The hose tips over the barbecue, all the ashes spill out and
are blown away by the wind.
PEGGY Oh! Oh! He's gonna kill me. Where, where am I gonna get ashes?
Peggy lights up 3 cigarettes at same time and puffs away over the barbecue.
Kelly and Bud enter and stare at Peggy.
BUD She's turning into Grandma before our very eyes.
PEGGY Kids, kids, Mommy needs a little help. You see, I accidentally knocked over Daddy's
barbecue and lost his ashes.
Kelly and Bud gasp.
KELLY Well, I guess you're out of here, huh Mom? Bud, you're the woman of the house now.
PEGGY No, I, I, I don't think it's gonna get to that. You see, Daddy doesn't know yet and we
have one thing going in our favor. Every other family on the block is having a good time
away from home except us. That means it's open season on their houses. So, I want you to
check barbecues, fireplaces and ovens for ashes. Oh, whoever goes to the McGintys, bring
me a Dr. Pepper. Hurry up.
Kelly and Bud leave.
PEGGY [wailing] I can't stand this anymore.
AL [off screen] I can. Come to Daddy!
Peggy whimpers and trudges into the house.
Later that day in the Bundy backyard.
Kelly is emptying a bag of ashes into the barbecue. Peggy staggers out from the house.
PEGGY I hate Labor Day so much. Did you get the ashes?
KELLY A piece of cake. You know, you can learn a lot about a person going through their house.
You know Mr. Collins, who lives down the block? He must be a real stud. I mean, he's a
bachelor, but his whole closet is filled with women's clothing.
Peggy looks at Kelly uneasily.
BUD Pretty fancy thinking for a dullard, huh, Mom?
Steve and Marcy arrive with bags full of groceries.
STEVE Well, we got the groceries. Thanks so much for inviting us and letting us pay for it. I
think I still have five dollars left if you need something to get the fire going.
MARCY You know, Steve, before we eat, I'm just going to check on Aunt Tuney.
STEVE Marcy, she's dead. Gone, fried, dust. Paying sailors in Hell.
MARCY You know, Aunt Tuney never liked you.
STEVE She didn't like anything that didn't rub it's face back and forth across her pot belly.
MARCY Then, why didn't she like you?
KELLY Mom, we're hungry... and your underwear is under the table. Where's Dad?
PEGGY Uhh, he's getting ready, Honey. And you know what that means.
The Bundy living room/kitchen. "Bad To The Bone" starts playing. Al opens a black case
containing his barbecue gear. He puts on: an apron that reads "Kiss the cook. Kill the wife",
a chef's hat and a tool belt. Al attaches to the tool belt: a spatula, barbecue fork, and
tongs. Al then puts on an oven glove and holds his gloved hand up.
AL Let's cook.
Al steps into the backyard from the house. He stands still and holds up his gloved hand again.
STEVE Finally, we can eat.
PEGGY Not quite yet.
AL Labor Day. What does it mean to us? To answer that question, we hark back [scratches his
back with the barbecue fork] to earlier times. You see, kids... while the cavewoman sat
around getting fat, smoking cigarettes and watching The Phil Jabberman Show, the caveman
braved the elements, risking life and limb and the pre-historic beasts, with only the
hair on his back for protection... [time passes by] ...In 1492, Columbus brought Labor
Day to America... [more time passes] ...and the women STILL did nothing! And that's what
Labor Day means to me.
STEVE May we eat now?
AL Not quite yet.
MARCY What other torture can he possibly inflict on us???
A short time passes and we see the Bundys and the Rhoades standing to attention as Peggy sings
The Star Spangled Banner.
PEGGY [singing out of tune] O'er the land of the free, and the home of the brave.
Al wipes a tear from his eye.
AL And the burgers take the field. [Al puts the first burger onto the grill] In exactly
eleven minutes and seven seconds you're gonna sink your teeth into the best burger they
ever yanked out of a cow.
STEVE Ooh, Al, you make it sound so good, but Marcy and I rarely eat red meat so would you mind
fixing up this salmon I brought?
Steve gives Al a package containing a piece of fish.
AL Oh, no problem. [Steve walks off and Al throws the fish over the fence into the Rhoades'
backyard] No fish will ever touch my grill.
Al sees Peggy trying hard to get the ketchup bottle open.
AL Well, we still have three more minutes before it's time to turn the burgers. Come on,
Peg, this is your lucky day!
PEGGY It's open, Al. Really, it's open, and it wasn't hard at all. [Al drags Peggy into the
house] Oh, No...
About 10 minutes later, Al takes in the aroma of the first burgers off the grill before handing
STEVE What happened to my fish?
AL Oh. Well, it fell on the ground. Eat up!
[impatient for approval of the burgers] Well?
BUD Mmm-mmm. The greatest, Dad.
Peggy whimpers, gets up and heads wearily towards the house.
AL Ah, not that. I meant how's your burger?
PEGGY I know what you want. You want me to say that it's tough and chewy so you can have your
way with me again. Well, it's not. It's light and fluffy and melts in my mouth. Ha!
Peggy walks proudly back to the table.
AL [to Steve] Steve. How's your burger?
STEVE You know, I hate to admit it, but this is the best burger I ever had. What's your secret?
AL Well, I sneak over to the nudie place a couple of times a month in order to make it
Steve has difficulty comprehending Al's answer.
STEVE No. I meant about your burgers.
AL Oh, oh. Well, the secrets in the ashes, Steve. You see, I never clean my grill. Ashes of
the past for the burgers of the future. [Al notices Marcy] Marcy, you're not eating?
MARCY How can I eat with you talking about ashes? It only makes me think of my poor Aunt Tuney,
up on our mantle over our fireplace in her little urn.
When Kelly hears Marcy's reply, she immediately stops eating and a worried look appears on her
KELLY Uh, excuse me but, what did you say was in a little urn above your fireplace?
MARCY The ashes of my dead aunt.
Kelly drinks water from a large container, then runs over to the fence and spits out the water
into the Rhoades' backyard. Kelly rushes over to Bud, whom is busy eating.
KELLY Bud, can I talk to you for a second?
Bud's mouth is full and he grunts at Kelly to leave him alone. Kelly whispers in Bud's ear.
Bud coughs and spits out the burger, he wipes his tongue frantically on his shirt. Bud then
leans over to Peggy, and whispers in her ear. Peggy has a similar reaction, then she gets up
and starts chasing Kelly around the backyard. Bud taps Steve on his shoulder and whispers in
his ear. Steve stares intensely at his burger, then a huge grin appears on his face. He takes
a massive bite from the burger.
AL Marcy, come on, you're not eating any. Take a bite, you'll like it.
STEVE [concerned] Uh, Marcy...
MARCY Shut up, Ghoul.
STEVE [unconcerned] Alrighty!
Steve gets up and moves away. Peggy is still chasing Kelly around the backyard.
Marcy sits next to Al, and starts to eat her burger.
MARCY Mmmm, these are quite good. Mmm. You know, Al, I'm sorry to be such a party pooper. It's
just that I loved my Aunt very much. [still eating her burger] Mmmm, these are delicious.
But Aunt Tuney meant so much to me.
AL I know she did, Marce, [Al takes a bite of his burger] but sometimes we've just gotta put
the dead behind us.
MARCY You know, Aunt Tuney loved a good barbecue. I only wish she could be with us right now.
AL If it's any comfort to you, Marce, I'm sure she's with is in spirit. [side-tracked by his
burger] Mm, Mm, Mm, bone. [spits it out] And if she was here, I'm sure she'd be saying
just what we're saying now. These are the best burgers this side of heaven!
Al puts his arm around Marcy and they continue to eat. Peggy has caught Kelly and she is
strangling her on the ground. Bud holds a bag open while Steve puts Aunt Tuney's ashes into it.
Originally Transcribed by Ade Bundy
Revised by Marriedaniac
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