FIRST DRAFT SCRIPT:
HERE'S LOOKIN' AT YOU, KID
AL BUNDY .............. ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ........... KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES ......... DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES ......... AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY ........... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY ............. DAVID FAUSTINO
BUCK, THE DOG ......... MIKE, THE DOG
FANNY ................. LaRUE STANLEY
FIFI .................. LUANN LEE
LOIS .................. HEALY CUNNINGHAM
MRS. McGINTY .......... DELORES ALBIN
MARSHA ................ SHIRLEY PRESTIA
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - EVENING
(AL ENTERS AND SITS ON THE COUCH. HE LOOKS AROUND)
AL (CALLS OUT) Peg? Kids?
(NO RESPONSE. HE LOOKS UP)
AL Thank you. No wife. No kids. The way God intended.
(AL SIGHS AND STICKS HIS HANDS DOWN HIS PANTS)
AL Now. I am truly alive.
(PEGGY ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR)
PEGGY Hi, honey. Are the kids home?
PEGGY Oh, good. We can spend some time together.
(AL IMMEDIATELY GRABS THE REMOTE CONTROL AND TURNS ON THE TV)
SFX: TV ON
(PEGGY GRABS THE REMOTE FROM AL AND TURNS OFF THE TV)
SFX: TV OFF
(SHE SMILES AT HIM. HE SMILES AT HER. AL PICKS UP THE NEWSPAPER AND STARTS TO READ. PEGGY TAKES IT OUT OF
HIS HANDS. SHE SMILES AT HIM, HE SMILES AT HER. AL GETS UP TO LEAVE. PEGGY PULLS HIM DOWN. SHE LAYS HER
HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER)
PEGGY Isn't this nice? (BEAT) Let's have sex.
(PEGGY CUDDLES UP TO AL)
AL Wait a second. Didn't we do this last month?
PEGGY Yeah, but let's finish it. Now sit up, shut up and brace yourself.
(SHE KISSES AL ON THE NECK)
AL (YELLING) Help! Help! Help! Save me!
PEGGY No one can help you. Come on, Al. Take me on a thirty second trip to the moon.
AL (WHINES) I don't wanna go. Can't you go without me?
PEGGY Not this time.
(PEGGY GRABS AL AND KISSES HIM. KELLY AND BUD ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR)
BUD Damn! It's Mom's birthday.
(THEY BREAK THE KISS)
AL Kids. Don't ever leave me alone with your mother again. Come sit down. Tell us about your day.
How was your first week of school?
BUD A dim memory. This is our last week of school.
KELLY Uh, oh. I better start going. I hope I didn't miss all the Junior dances.
BUD Don't worry. You'll catch them next year when we'll both be Juniors.
PEGGY Kelly, are you failing again? Say something to her, Al.
AL This is no good, Kelly. Now, go play.
PEGGY Al, let's not forget we're parents. C'mon, Kelly, there must be someone at school you can cheat
off. You have to pass.
KELLY (PULLING HER HAIR) Oh, the pressure. Kelly, go to school, pass, learn to read. How am I supposed
to grow up with all this hanging over my head?
PEGGY Come on, Kelly. You can pass. You're a smart girl.
(PEGGY LOOKS AT AL AND BUD BEHIND KELLY'S BACK AND LAUGHS. THEY JOIN IN, THEN)
PEGGY All you have to do is apply yourself a little bit and you can do anything you want.
(PEGGY, AL AND BUD LAUGH AGAIN)
KELLY You're right. I mean nobody thought I could date the whole football team, ... (PROUDLY) ... but I
PEGGY Atta girl.
KELLY I'm gonna pass. I will not be seen sitting next to my little brother in since class.
BUD That's science, Kell.
KELLY Potato, tomato. What's the difference? I'll learn all that as a Senior. From now on when I go to
school, I'm gonna stay awake. Bud, how do you do that?
BUD Look, Kelly. All you gotta do when you're in English class is open a book...
(BUD OPENS A BOOK TO DEMONSTRATE. KELLY INSTANTLY FALLS ASLEEP. PEGGY ELBOWS HER)
KELLY (STARTLED) Lunch?
PEGGY Oh, Al. She's trying so hard. (THEN) Bud, I want you to help your sister. You know what we say.
When one Bundy is down, the others hop on top. No, that doesn't apply here. What was it? Oh,
yeah. It was that our dream is that neither of you will be the failure that your father is.
(SHE TAKES AL'S HAND)
KELLY (TO BUD) Would you help me pass? I'd be grateful forever. I'd really appreciate it, Zit Warrior.
BUD (BEAT) Ah, why not? Let's get to work, Duh-orama.
(BUD AND KELLY EXIT UP THE STAIRS)
PEGGY Oh, Al. A warm family moment. (THEN) Now, sit up, shut up and brace yourself.
AL Peg, I live braces. But the kids are in the house. If you really want sex they'll have to leave.
And if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.
(SHE PULLS HIM TOWARD THE DOOR TO THE BASEMENT)
PEGGY Al, I want us to have a beautiful expression of our love. So let's go downstairs, throw some
dirty laundry on the ping pong table and disappoint me as only you can.
AL After you, sweetheart.
(SHE EXITS. HE LOCKS THE DOOR BEHIND HER. HE CROSSES BACK TO THE OUCH AS SHE POUNDS ON THE DOOR)
PEGGY (O.S.) Open up, Al. When I get out, we're doing it twice. That means a minute, Al.
(HE SIGHS AND PUTS HIS HAND DOWN HIS PANTS)
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATER
(THE BASEMENT DOOR IS OFF THE HINGES. PEGGY IS PULLING AT AL. HE HOLDS THE COUCH FOR DEAR LIFE)
PEGGY I deserve a beautiful expression of our love, you slug, and I'm going to have it.
(KELLY AND BUND ENTER FROM UPSTAIRS. THEY STARE AT AL AND PEGGY)
PEGGY Oh, hi, kids. I was just checking to see if Daddy's pants go with this couch. So how's the
KELLY Great. We're on our way to the library. Bud's really been helping me. If they'd only teach like
this in school. Did you know when Thomas Jefferson was writing the Declaration of Independence,
he wrote this song? (SINGING THE THEME FROM "THE JEFFERSONS")
WELL, I'M MOVING ON UP,
TO THE EASTSIDE
TO A DE-LUXE APARTMENT IN THE SKYYYYY...
BUD So, you see, she has natural intelligence. She just doesn't use it. Tell us about the
KELLY Well, it's a little known fact, but Thomas Jefferson's wife was black. He and Weezy were poor
once, you know. He was a real Renaissance man. He was an architect and a dry cleaner, and he had
a maid named Florence.
BUD Don't forget, Kel, ... (SINGING) ... THEY FINALLY GOT A PIECE...
KELLY ... OF THE PIIIIIIEEEEE.
BUD Junior no more. Huh, Dad?
(KELLY AND BUD EXIT OUT THE FRONT DOOR)
PEGGY (SIGHS) Well, the world needs fry cooks, too. (THEN) Now sit up, shut up, and brace yourself.
(SHE DIVES ON HIM. A BEAT, THEN MARCY, FANNY, LOIS, MARSHA AND FIFI ENTER)
(PEGGY PICKS HER HEAD UP)
PEGGY Oh, hi, Marcy. I was just seeing if Al's pants go with this couch.
MARCY Peggy, there's something disgusting going on in this neighborhood.
AL See, Peg? Now, everybody knows.
PEGGY Shut up, Al. Every word you say adds thirty seconds to your sentence. What happened, Marcy?
MARCY It was horrible. I was getting into my nightie before Steve got home for a little three hour
(PEGGY LOOKS AT AL. SHE SMACKS HIM IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD)
MARCY When I saw this horrible face in the window. It was a peeper.
MARSHA Men are slime.
MARSHA Here's one.
(ALL THE WOMEN HIT HIM. HE FIGHTS THROUGH TO MARCY)
STEVE Hi, honey. Thought I saw you over here. So, before I deck the whole herd over there, what's
MARCY Oh, Steve, I was peeped. It was awful. He saw me in all my nakedness.
STEVE Uh, how much did he see, honey? Did he see your Jimmies?
MARCY He saw it all, Steve.
STEVE Oh God.
AL You said it. Did they find this guy passed out in the bushes, still twitching from fear? 'Cause I
got the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.
MARCY Anyway, I let out a scream and ran outside. The neighborhood women came to my aid and guess what?
He's been peeping all over the neighborhood. We've got ourselves a serial peeper.
STEVE Did he see... the old man?
MARCY I said he saw it all.
STEVE Oh, God.
FANNY He peeped me last night. Harold and I had just finished foreplay... dinner, and I had just
started a striptease to "Climb Every Mountain", when it happened. I was peeped.
(THE WOMEN GASP)
PEGGY He peeped you?
FANNY Yes. It was horrible.
AL And how was it for you?
STEVE Al, please. The fat and unattractive have rights, too. (TO FANNY) Go on, dear.
FANNY (TO STEVE) Thank you. Anyway, I was so upset. Thank God for the House of Pies.
FIFI I was peeped, too.
AL (INTERESTED) Tell us about it.
FIFI You know, it's disgusting enough that men ogle you like pieces of meat on the street, but in our
own homes? Are we not human beings?
(AL DROPS A NAPKIN. FIFI BENDS OVER TO PICK IT UP. AL AND STEVE OGLE FIFI)
MARCY Fifi is right. We must band together and form a lynch mob.
LOIS No man looks at me and lives.
AL You said a mouthful.
PEGGY Wait a second. He peeped you?
MARCY This swine must be stopped. And we're just the babes to do it.
(THE WOMEN WALLA AGREEMENT AND WALLA "LYNCH HIM.")
MARCY Yes. But before we hang him, we'll take him to my garage. We have a stereo there we can use to
cover his screams. And a screamin' he will be. I know a toenail doesn't seem like much, but when
peeled slowly away from the body with a pair of rusty tweezers, a man could learn the right way
to treat a lady. All right, then. Are we all together on this?
MARSHA Yes. I demand the right to cook and dance and generally languish in the nude in my own home.
(AL AND STEVE ARE DISGUSTED)
PEGGY He peeped you too? Is there anybody he hasn't peeped?
MARCY Just you and old lady McGinty.
PEGGY Well, why would anyone peep her? She's ninety and her one dress is eighty-four.
(MRS. McGINTY ENTERS WAVING HER CANE AND WEARING A HOUSEDRESS)
MRS. M Something must be done. I've just been peeped. I'm sure my body is somewhere on a French postcard
PEGGY He peeped you?
(THE WOMEN RUN TO THE DOOR AND SURROUND OLD MRS. McGINTY. THEY BEGIN TO CHANT)
WOMEN Death to the Peeper!
Death to the Peeper!
PEGGY Oh, Al. No one wants to peep me. Hold me.
AL Nobody wants to hold you either. I don't get it. The peeper's out free, and I got a home where
the buffalo roam.
(THE WOMEN CHANT ON)
END OF ACT ONE
INT. BUNDY BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT
(PEGGY IS PACING BACK AND FORTH IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW. THE LIGHTS ARE ON. AL IS IN BED. THEN, PEGGY
HEARS SOMETHING AND LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN)
PEGGY Al, he's looking at me!
(AL CROSSES TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKS OUT)
AL No, Peg. It was just an owl. Yep, he saw you. He's spinning out of control. He's down. (THEN)
Well, you've killed. Can we close the window now?
PEGGY Al, tell me the truth. I'm losing my looks, aren't I?
PEGGY You're just saying that because you think that's what I want to hear. Now, tell me the truth. Am
I losing my looks?
PEGGY You pig. You know I'm down. The least you could do is lie.
AL Peg, come here. Sit down.
(PEGGY RELUCTANTLY SITS NEXT TO AL ON THE EDGE OF THE BED)
PEGGY But, he won't be able to see me sitting down.
AL Look, Peg. Obviously this guy's crazy. I mean he'd have to be crazy not to look at you. You've
got it all, Peg.
PEGGY (FLATTERED) Like what, Al?
AL Well... like... y'know... I don't know, Peg. I just said it 'cause I'm tired. Let me go to
PEGGY Nobody goes to sleep until I'm peeped.
AL Well, y'know, we are on the second floor and all, and it's probably too hard to get up here and
look in the window. (BEAT) Yeah. That's it.
PEGGY He has no excuse. I left a ladder, and milk and cookies on the ledge.
(AL REACTS. BUD POKES HIS HEAD IN WITH KELLY)
BUD Okay, Kell. Show Mom and Dad what I taught you in science.
KELLY (TO "BATMAN" THEME)
DA DA DA DA
DA DA DA
DA DA DA
DA DA DA
DA DA DA
(SHE LOOKS FOR APPROVAL)
AL That's terrific, honey. Bud, can I see you for a minute?
KELLY I'll just go to my room and try and remember that stuff you told me about how he used to call
the Commissioner on the Einstein phone.
AL Now, son. I know you're having fun with your sister, her being, well, a dullard and all, but if
Kelly never gets out of High School, she never gets a job. If she never gets a job, it means I'll
have to go on supporting you all. And I can't. See, I'm hoping to save us some money to retire
and all. Son, I've got to retire, even if it's only for two days. So you see, Bud, if Kelly
doesn't pass, Daddy just might run amuck. In alphabetical order. Understand... (POINTEDLY) ...Bud?
BUD I think I understand.
(HE STARTS OUT, THEN TURNS BACK)
BUD So, no "Shakespeare, The Friendly Ghost"?
(AL SHAKES HIS HEAD "NO")
BUD No, "I Love Lincoln"?
AL No, Bud.
BUD Why did you have me?
AL Peg. Why did we have him? (BEAT) Peg?
(PEGGY IS GAZING PATHETICALLY OUT THE WINDOW)
PEGGY (OUT WINDOW) I have cookies. (BEAT) He's not coming. Nobody wants to look at me. Nobody wants me.
Nobody loves me.
(SHE MAKES ANIMAL WHIMPERS)
AL (V.O.) You know what you have to do, Cowboy. (THEN, TO PEGGY) I care about you, Pookie.
PEGGY Really, Al?
AL (LONG BEAT. THEN SIGHS. THEN UNENTHUSIASTIC) Yes. Boy do I ever. Why seeing you at the window
really turns me on. Come to Daddy.
PEGGY Oh, Al.
(THEY GET IN BED)
AL (DISGUSTEDLY) Oh, God.
(HE TURNS OUT THE LIGHTS)
LFX: LIGHTS OUT
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - A WEEK LATER - NIGHT
(AL IS ON THE COUCH AND PEGGY IS ON THE PHONE. SHE HANGS UP)
PEGGY Al, the peeper is still working the neighborhood. Everybody's been peeped twice and here I am
peepless. I'm so depressed.
AL (DULLY) Oh, Peg. Seeing you there on the phone, really turns me on...
PEGGY Oh, shut up, Al. Do you really think I'm really satisfied being squashed by a man in his
underwear and socks, while he watches "Get Smart" on a little TV propped up on the pillow next
AL Hey, I wear earphones. What do you want from me?
PEGGY Well, if I don't get peeped tonight, I'm breaking your TV. I'll be upstairs by my window if you
(PEGGY EXITS UPSTAIRS)
AL Oh, well, I always have my job as a shoe salesman.
(HE PUTS A PILLOW OVER HIS FACE. KELLY AND BUD ENTER)
BUD Hi, Dad. Whatcha doing?
AL Giving silent thanks for all I have. How's the studying coming?
BUD (TO KELLY) What is the Bill of Rights?
KELLY The first ten Amendments to the Constitution.
BUD Right. What are the three main types of clouds?
KELLY There are three. Cumulus, cirrus and stratus.
BUD What is a synapse?
KELLY The junction -- a microscopic gap, actually -- of two neighboring neurons, or nerve cells.
AL (IMPRESSED) Very good, Kelly, now, why don't you take a break and go up to your room.
KELLY Where is my room?
KELLY What are stairs?
BUD I'd better explain this, Dad. See, if you pour a gallon of knowledge into a shot glass of a
brain, you're gonna spill some. Something had to go.
(HE LEADS A CONFUSED KELLY UPSTAIRS)
KELLY What was that?
(BUD LOOKS BACK AT AL, THEN, TO KELLY)
BUD The doorbell.
KELLY Ah. (BEAT) Who am I?
BUD My maid.
KELLY Oh, good.
(BUD AND KELLY EXIT UPSTAIRS, AS AL OPENS THE DOOR. STEVE ENTERS)
STEVE Al, I've got a problem. This Peeping Tom thing is ruining my marriage. Marcy's so upset, she
hasn't let me have sex with her for five days.
AL It could be worse. I've had sex with mine for five straight days. It's like having two jobs. Both
at minimum wage with no benefits, and no chance for advancement.
STEVE Well, I like having sex with my wife. Without sex, I might as well live with my mother and be
happy. At least I'd get my juice and vitamin in bed.
AL Really? My mom would just light me up a Lucky and send me off to school.
STEVE Al, what am I gonna do? I've tried everything to turn Marcy on. Candy, flowers, my Action Jackson
imitation. But nothing. Do you have any idea what it's like to come home to a wife who doesn't
want you to touch her?
AL I dream about it. Well, I would if she'd ever let me sleep again.
STEVE Well, don't worry, buddy. I'm sure as soon as Peggy gets "peeped", things'll get back to normal.
PEGGY (O.S.) He's not coming. Oh, God. I need a man. Let me see. Oh well. Al?
AL Oh, well. O gotta go watch "Get Smart".
STEVE You lucky duck. Well, Marcy's going through a tough time. I should be sensitive. Compassionate.
Then maybe she'll let me feel her up.
INT. BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
(AL AND PEGGY ARE IN BED. PEGGY IS SETTING THE ALARM)
PEGGY Okay, Al. I'm setting the alarm for one o'clock so we can do it again.
AL We don't need an alarm. Knowing this is hanging over my head, I'll never be able to sleep.
PEGGY Stop complaining. You get all the rest you need during sex.
(SHE PEEKS OUT THE WINDOW)
PEGGY Where is he?
(SHE EXITS INTO BATHROOM. AL SIGHS)
AL (V.O.) You know what you've got to do now, Cowboy.
(HE GETS UP, GOES THROUGH PEGGY'S DRAWER AND FINDS A PAIR OF PANTYHOSE. HE SIGHS AND PUTS ONE LEG OVER
HIS HEAD. AS HE STARTS TO EXIT WE SEE KELLY, OBLIVIOUS. SHE CARRIES A TOOTHBRUSH)
KELLY Excuse me, sir. Where are my teeth?
(AL REACTS AS SHE WALKS ON)
INT. BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
(AL'S STOCKINGED HEAD APPEARS IN THE WINDOW. PEGGY IS STILL IN THE BATHROOM. HE TAPS ON THE WINDOW. NO
PEGGY. HE MAKES GHOST SOUNDS. NO RESPONSE. HE TAKES A COOKIE AND SLIPS IT UNDER THE PANTYHOSE AND EATS IT.
HE BANGS ON THE WINDOW AGAIN. SUDDENLY FLOODLIGHTS FROM THE GROUND SHINE UP ON AL'S PANICKED GACE)
(WE HEAR THE WOMEN YELL, "IT'S HIM. IT'S THE PEEPER.")
MARCY (O.S.) Let's get him, girls.
FANNY (O.S.) Get the gasoline.
(AL DESPERATELY OPENS THE WINDOW. PEGGY ENTERS. SHE SEES HIM, PRIMPS AND SMILES, THEN STARTS SCREAMING)
PEGGY Help! Help! Peeper! Peeper! (THEN) It's about time. How dare you.
(SHE GOES TO THE WINDOW AND PUSHES HIS FACE. HE GOES DOWN)
AL (O.S.) Whoaa!
MARCY (O.S.) Now, we've got you.
SFX: CHAINSAW STARTING
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - THE NEXT DAY
(AL IS ON THE COUCH, WRAPPED IN BANDAGES. HE HAS A HUGE BANDAGE COMPLETELY COVERING HIS PANTS HAND. HIS
OTHER ARM IS IN A SLING. HIS HEAD IS BANDAGED. PEGGY SITS NEXT TO HIM)
PEGGY Oh, honey. It was sweet of you to pretend to be the peeper just to make me feel good. You
understand why I couldn't tell everyone you weren't the real peeper. I couldn't stand the shame
of being the only one that wasn't peeped.
AL I understand.
(AL SPITS OUT A TOOTH)
PEGGY You wanna go upstairs?
AL Well, I think the part of me you want is still outside. Just beat around the ashes. I'm sure
you'll find it out there mixed in with my liver and colon.
(BUD ENTERS. AS HE OPENS THE DOOR WE SEE A SIGN "HOME OF THE 'PERVO'")
BUD Well, she's a Senior.
(KELLY ENTERS PROUDLY)
KELLY I passed. (LOOKS AT DOOR) Why does it say "Peru" on our door? We don't live in Peru. Do we?
(THEY LOOK AT BUD)
BUD She took her tests, but on the way home she tripped, landed on her back, and remembered who and
what she was.
KELLY My brain hurts. I think I cramped it writing. But I'm a Senior. Oh, man. Two more years and I
(KELLY AND BUD EXIT UPSTAIRS)
PEGGY Oh, Al. It's so nice for a change that everybody's happy.
PEGGY Well, I'm going shopping. You need anything?
AL If you pass a bellybutton store, pick me up one. A charcoal brown one to match the rest of my
PEGGY Y'know, you ruined a perfectly good pair of my stockings, but I still smile. Sometimes, I think
you don't want to be happy.
AL (SIGHS) Oh, well. At least there's one thing they can't take away from me.
(AL TRIES TO PUT HIS HAND DOWN HIS PANTS BUT IT WON'T FIT)
END OF ACT TWO
Scribed by Nitzan Gilkis
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