LIFE'S A BEACH
Al Bundy ............ Ed O'Neill
Peggy Bundy ......... Katey Sagal
Steve Rhoades ....... David Garrison
Marcy Rhoades ....... Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy ......... Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy ........... David Faustino
Buck, The Dog ....... Mike, The Dog
Marilyn ............. Morgan Brittany
Tina ................ Candy Hutson
Sandy ............... Tracy Burton
Wendy ............... Sandra Alexander
Lucy ................ Cristi Allen
Chris ............... Brice Alan
Lifeguard ........... Pete Steinfeld
Betsy ............... Marilyn Pitzer
Mark ................ Gary Mauro
Beach Boy ........... Saman
Kid #1 .............. Michael Faustino
Luana ............... Mary Austin
Jill ................ Amber Susa
INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY
(KELLY AND BUD ENTER. BUD HOLDS A TIN CUP AND WEARS A SIGN THAT SAYS "BUNDY" AND UNDERNEATH IT READS
"PLEASE HELP US". KELLY HOLDS A SIGN WITH A PICTURE OF AL THAT READS, "THIS IS OUR FATHER. PLEASE
GIVE." THEY CROSS TO THE COUCH AND SIT)
KELLY Well, what did we get?
BUD Let's see.
(BUD TURNS THE CUP OVER AND DUMPS THE CONTENTS ON THE COFFEE TABLE)
BUD A marble, a slug, and this quarter I got from the blind guy, when he turned to watch you bend
KELLY Yeah, well, you know, it's amazing how he sensed I was doing that.
BUD Right, Kell. Listen, there's got to be some money in this house. So, you just keep a good
look-out for Mom and Dad. I'm gonna go through their coat pockets.
(THEY GO TO THE CLOSET. KELLY KEEPS WATCH. BUD OPENS THE CLOSET DOOR. WE SEE PEGGY IN THE CLOSET GOING
THROUGH COAT POCKETS)
PEGGY Hi, kids. I'm really glad you're here. Has anyone seen my iron?
(SHE COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET, JINGLING FROM CHANGE. THEY STARE AT HER)
KELLY Mom. We've given up on getting food and guidance, but we need money.
PEGGY Okay, kids. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take this change and throw it up into the air.
Whatever you can grab is yours. You ready? Okay.
(SHE REACHES INTO HER POCKET AND MIMES TOSSING CHANGE IN THE AIR. AS THE KIDS' EYES FOLLOW THE FAKE,
SHE STARTS OUT THE DOOR. THEY GRAB HER)
PEGGY Get off me. Let go. It's mine.
(AL ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS)
AL Kids, stop playing with your mother for a minute. I was just up in the bathroom and I had an
PEGGY You washed your hands this time?
(AL PLAYFULLY RUFFLES KELLY'S HAIR)
AL Anyhow, I'd like to share something beautiful with you. I was up there watching my little
TV and I saw that show that they call "The Eight Family" or something.
BUD You mean "Eight Is Enough"?
AL Yeah, that's the one. Anyway, the fat one they call Dad; he had this great idea where they all get
together, and, uh... well, I don't really know what it was about. But the important thing is
they were all together and they did it as a family. Now, it made me think. See, we could do
more together. For instance, how much do we really know about each other? (TO BUD) Uh...
AL Right. Now, Bud, quick: When's Kelly's birthday?
BUD It was yesterday, Dad.
AL (TO KELLY) Gee, I'm sorry I missed it, honey.
PEGGY Happy birthday, sweetheart.
AL Okay, but we're getting away from the point of this family thing. Do you realize that we don't
have a family picture?
PEGGY Well, you know, we were gonna get one -
AL Ah, we were always gonna. We were gonna get the picture. We were gonna take that vacation. We
were gonna get the kids vaccinated. But something always came up. Not today. Today is going to
be Bundy Family Fun Day. We are going to be the Four Family. The only question is, where are we
(PEGGY OPENS THE DOOR TO STEVE AND MARCY. THEY ARE DRESSED FOR THE BEACH)
PEGGY Oh, hi, guys. Gee, you look great.
(SHE LOOKS AT AL AND THE KIDS. THE FOUR OF THEM LAUGH)
MARCY And your house looks lovely.
(STEVE AND MARCY EXCHANGE A DISGUSTED LOOK)
MARCY Anyhow, as you can see. Steve and I are going to the beach. It's a little tradition we have on
the first sunny day in May, we always go to the beach to shake hands with Mr. Summer.
(STEVE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND MARCY)
PEGGY Yes, our little summer tradition is watching Al sweat through his pants onto Mr. Couch.
STEVE Well, you're lucky, Al. For you, every day can be summer. But I digress. We really didn't come
over to throw our happiness in your face. Actually, I was wondering if you could do me a
AL What? Grab one of your wife's legs and make a wish?
(MARCY STARTS AT AL. STEVE HOLDS HER BACK)
STEVE (TO MARCY) If you have chicken legs, call me Colonel Sanders.
MARCY And ooh, baby, you do chicken right.
(THE BUNDYS REACT WITH DISGUST)
AL Guys, I'll tell ya, if I had eaten something in the last forty eight hours, I'd be showin' you
another little tradition I have. What do you want?
STEVE Well, I had a little fender bender with a rather large gentleman... So I did what any thinking
adult would do. I threw myself on the ground and screamed whiplash. Unfortunately, he and his
carload of children did the same thing.
MARCY You know, Steve, if I hadn't seen you do it before, I really would have believed your spine had
snapped like a twig.
STEVE I had those kids going, didn't I? Anyhow, I, uh, I forgot my insurance card, so I put the
information in this envelope for him, and I was wondering if I could tape it to your door.
PEGGY Why our door?
STEVE I pleaded poverty, and to prove it, I have him your address. Thanks, guys. (TO MARCY) Let's
beach it, babe.
AL Y'know Peg. Steve just gave me a great idea. We're gonna have Bundy Day at the beach!
(BUD AND KELLY REACT WITH EXCITEMENT. PEGGY IS SNIFFING THE AIR)
AL Peg, what are you doing?
PEGGY There's a new odor in this house. Al -
(SHE GESTURES FOR HIM TO COME CLOSER AND SNIFFS HIM)
PEGGY No. That's the old one. I think it's coming from this envelope.
(PEGGY GOES TO THE DOOR)
KELLY Hey, I smell it, too, mom.
(KELLY JOINS PEGGY. AL AND BUD STARE AT EACH OTHER AND SHRUG. PEGGY SNIFFS THE ENVELOPE)
PEGGY It's money. But I don't recognize the denomination.
KELLY Well, then it means that it's more than five. Hey, I hope it's a G-spot.
PEGGY Honey, that's a ten spot.
(SHE RIPS OPEN THE ENVELOPE REVERENTLY)
PEGGY A hundred dollar bill. Gee, the nerve of that Steve. He didn't trust us enough to tell us
there was money in that envelope. Y'know, I am really hurt.
(SHE PUTS THE MONEY IN HER BRA)
AL Kids, now I don't want you to think that everyone is as dishonest as Steve. So to show you that
honesty is the only way, we're going to take Steve's money -
(AL LIFTS THE BILL FROM PEGGY's BRA)
AL - and leave a note for that guy, telling him exactly where to find Steve. (LAUGHS) What a day!
We're gonna have Bundy Day at the beach, we're gonna get a nice picture like that Eight Family,
and then (TO PEGGY) we're going to dinner!
(THE KIDS CHEER)
AL What, you're hungry too? (THEN) Ah, what the hell. Everybody eats!
(THEY CROWD AROUND AL HAPPILY)
INT. ANZIO BEACH - DAY
(TWO KIDS ARE PUTTING THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON A SAND CASTLE BY THE PUBLIC BATHROOM. PROUDLY THEY DASH
AWAY TO TELL THEIR PARENTS)
KID #1 Dad, look what we did!
(AL, PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD ENTER THE BEACH AREA LOADED DOWN WITH BEACH STUFF. EVERYONE IS WEARING BEACH
ATTIRE. AL DUMPS HIS LOAD RIGHT ON THE SAND CASTLE, COMPLETELY DEMOLISHING IT)
AL Well, we're here.
(AL AND PEGGY START TO LAY OUT THEIR BLANKETS. THEY SMOOTH OUT THE SAND CASTLE. BUD GREASES UP)
BUD Well, Kell. Do I spell 'man' or what?
KELLY Well, if you connect your zits, you might. Well, either that or 'Mississippi'.
BUD C'mere, Kell.
(HE PUTS HIS EAR TO HER EAR)
BUD Yep. I hear the ocean.
BUD Well, I'm buffed and ready. I'm gonna go find me a babe.
KELLY You couldn't find a woman in a gynecologist's office.
BUD Oh, yeah? Five bucks says I get a squeeze before you.
KELLY You're on.
(THEY SHAKE PINKIES)
BUD It's a sucker bet, Kell. 'Cause unlike the dances at school, this time I get to take my top
(BUD WALKS OFF. KELLY TAKES OFF HER JACKET TO REVEAL HER BIKINI AND ALSO WALKS OFF. AL TURNS BACK WITH
AL Okay, everybody. Let's get together for the picture. Kids? Damn. I could have taken that
picture and been home already.
PEGGY Honey, take a picture of me, so you can remember me when I was beautiful.
AL (FRIGHTENED) What, you're gonna get worse?
PEGGY Shut up and take the picture.
(SHE STRIKES A POSE. A BEAUTIFUL GIRL PASSES ON ONE SIDE AND A MUSCLE BOUND MAN PASSES ON THE OTHER.
AL POINTS AND CLICKS THE CAMERA AT THE BEAUTIFUL GIRL AS PEGGY TURNS TO EYE THE MUSCLE BOUND MAN.
PEGGY AND AL FACE EACH OTHER AT THE SAME TIME)
PEGGY Did you get it?
AL Got it.
(AL TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT. A HEAVY WOMAN, BETSY, SITS NEARBY)
BETSY (TO AL) Hey, you're in my sun. I'm trying to get an all over tan.
AL You're asking a lot of the sun.
(SHE REACTS AND EXITS)
PEGGY Okay, honey. Let's get comfortable.
(AL AND PEGGY LAUNCH INTO A SEEMINGLY WELL REHEARSED RITUAL. AL SITS IN HIS BEACH CHAIR, LEGS
STRETCHED LAKEWARD, ARMS HELD OUT TO HIS SIDES AS PEGGY COLLECTS VARIOUS OINTMENTS, POWDERS, AND
PEGGY Foot powder.
(PEGGY SPRINKLES FOOT POWDER ON AL'S FEET)
(AL OPENS HIS MOUTH. PEGGY GIVES HIM A SHOT OF BINACA)
(AL RAISES HIS ARMS. PEGGY SPRAYS EACH PIT)
PEGGY Zinc oxide.
(PEGGY PUTS A DAB ON AL'S NOSE)
PEGGY Bug spray.
(PEGGY GIVES AL A ONCE OVER, SPRAYING HIM FROM HEAD TO TOE)
PEGGY Okay. Here's a little something for you to read...
(SHE TAKES HIS PORTABLE TV AND SETS IT RIGHT BETWEEN HIS LEGS. AL IS A HAPPY MAN)
PEGGY Honey, will you put oil on me?
AL Leave me alone.
(A BEAUTIFUL GIRL, SANDY, WALKS BY)
SANDY (TO AL) Excuse me. Would you mind putting some oil on my back?
AL I'd be honored.
(HE STARTS TO GET UP)
PEGGY Hey, Al. Look at this.
(PEGGY AIMS A REFLECTOR AT AL'S FACE. HE YELPS AND SITS BACK DOWN)
PEGGY (TO GIRL) I'm sorry. He can't right now. He's blind.
SANDY Really? Wait till I tell my friends I made a blind man drool.
PEGGY (SWEETLY) You okay, honey?
PEGGY Al? Let's make out.
(AL LOOKS AT PEGGY AND THEY BOTH LAUGH)
END OF ACT ONE
INT. ANZIO BEACH - DAY
(BUD THROWS A FOOTBALL TO HIMSELF. HE MAKES A DIVING CATCH, LANDING ON THE SAND RIGHT NEXT TO TWO
PRETTY GIRLS, WANDA AND WENDY, WHO ARE BUD'S AGE)
BUD (CALLING OFF) Hey, nice throw Chip! (THEN) Oh, excuse me there, girls. I didn't notice you
there. So babes... it's nice to meet some cool chicks on a hot day. My name is Bud. Heh, heh,
WENDY Hey, Bud, there's a fly drowning in the oil on what will someday be your chest.
BUD (CALLS OUT) Bud, go long.
(BUD THROWS THE BALL AND GOES TO CATCH IT)
ANGLE ON: KELLY
KELLY Hmm. Let's see. Who should I make the lucky recipient of what's behind bikini number one.
(SHE SPOTS A GUY)
KELLY Lifeguard! Help! Help!
(THE LIFEGUARD RUNS OVER TO KELLY)
LIFEGUA What's wrong?
KELLY I feel sad every time I see an empty spot behind a rock. Would you join me?
(HE LOOKS INTERESTED)
WOMAN (O.S.) Help! Help!
(THE LIFEGUARD HESITATES FOR A MOMENT, THEN SIGHS AND RUNS OFF)
KELLY If they can't swim, why do they come to the beach?
ANGLE ON: AL AND PEGGY
(PEGGY IS ASLEEP ON HER BACK. AL SIPS A BEER, THEN PUTS THE CAN ON A TRAY THAT SITS ON PEGGY'S
STOMACH. HE PUTS HIS HAND DOWN HIS TRUNKS AND SIGHS. A PRETTY WOMAN ABOUT AL'S AGE, MARILYN, AND HER
TWO YOUNG KIDS (SIX AND SEVEN YEARS OLD) BEGIN TO UNLOAD THEIR STUFF RIGHT NEXT TO AL AND PEGGY. AL
PUTS A HAT OVER HIS FACE. MARILYN SEES AL)
MARILYN I know that hand. Al... Al Bundy?
(AL LOOKS UP)
MARILYN Well, don't you recognize me?
AL Marilyn Beamis? It's been a lot of years.
MARILYN It sure has. You still look great, Al. You work out a lot?
AL No, barely eat. Whatcha been up to?
MARILYN Well, I got married; got divorced; had a couple of kids. In that order.
(THE KIDS START TO BURY PEGGY'S BODY IN THE SAND)
AL Uh, kids, listen. Be careful there. Don't get any sand in the beer.
MARILYN Y'know, I think a lot about you, Al. Remember those nights at the drive-in? You used to hide me
in the trunk of the car to save that dollar. And then it'd be right from the trunk into the
back seat. Remember, Al?
(AL CHUCKLES UNEASILY AND WAVES HIS HAND IN FRONT OF PEGGY'S FACE TO MAKE SURE THAT SHE'S ASLEEP)
AL Yeah, those were the good old days.
MARILYN It's a nice day, isn't it, Al?
MARILYN Al, would you do me a small favor? Will you make love to me right here right now?
AL Well, uh, see, I'm married.
MARILYN Well, I don't care.
AL Well, she's right here. (INDICATES PEGGY)
MARILYN I don't care. It'll make it more exciting. Well, I'll send the kids away if you want.
(AL CHUCKLES UNEASILY AND WAVES AT THE KIDS)
AL Yeah, Marilyn, you always were one that would go that extra mile, but, uh, I don't want this
to get out, but, see, I really kinda like my family. I don't think it would be right. Now,
don't feel insulted or anything. I'd say the same thing to my wife if she asked for sex.
MARILYN That's too bad, Al. 'Cause you are, and always will be the one man for me.
(SEES SOMEONE O.S.)
MARILYN Gary? Gary Cain? You still look great. You work out a lot? C'mon, kids. That's a real gold
chain he's wearing.
(THEY GO OVER TO GARY)
AL Ah, I hate the beach.
(MARCY ON A BLANKET. SHE WATCHES A HUNKY GUY GO BY)
MARCY Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Beach blanket bingo over here, babycakes.
(SHE SEES STEVE O.S. AND GETS UP TO TOWEL HIM)
MARCY Oh, hi, honey. How was your swim?
(STEVE ENTERS. HE PICKS TRASH OFF HIS BODY, AND PULLS A SIX PACK PLASTIC RING FROM HIS TRUNKS)
STEVE Well, the water's a little polluted, but envigorating.
MARCY Steve, you know, I just couldn't take my eyes off you as you emerged from the water.
(THE HUNKY GUY WALKS BY AGAIN. SHE SNEAKS A LOOK)
MARCY The sun glistening off your powerful arms, your blonde, uh, dark hair framing your
powerful shoulders. You move with the easy grace of a jungle cat.
STEVE Well, y'know, my parents toyed with the idea of naming me Tiger. But then the yellow went away
and they went with Steve.
(THEY SETTLE DOWN ON THEIR BLANKET)
STEVE God, it's a beautiful day, isn't it?
MARCY Yes. And a perfect spot. Mother Nature, this one's for you.
(SHE MAKES A TOASTING GESTURE. A BIRD PLOPS DOWN FROM THE SKY, DEAD ON THEIR BLANKET. MARCY SCREAMS)
ANGLE ON: BUD
(BUD IS TALKING TO A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL)
JILL With you?! Ugh.
(BUD TURNS AWAY, HUMILIATED. HE STARTS WALKING AWAY AND COMES ACROSS TINA, A CUTE SEVEN YEAR
OLD SITTING IN THE SAND NEXT TO A PLASTIC SAND PAIL)
TINA My bucket is broken.
BUD Take it easy. I'll fix it for ya.
(BUD TAKES THE PAIL AND FIXES THE HANDLE. TINA IMMEDIATELY STOPS CRYING. SHE KISSES
BUD ON THE CHEEK)
TINA Thanks. You're my boyfriend.
BUD (UNENTHUSIASTIC) Great.
(BUD SEES A CUTE GIRL, LUCY, PASS)
BUD Excuse me.
(HE CATCHES UP WITH HER)
BUD Hi, there. I'm Bud. Bud Bon Jovi. We're doing a rock video for MTV and I think you just got
LUCY (BUYING IT) Really? I'd do anything to be in a rock video.
(SHE RUNS HER FINGERS ALONG BUD'S ARM)
BUD And so you shall.
(BUD LOOKS DOWN AND THERE'S TINA TUGGING AT HIS TRUNKS)
LUCY Aren't you cute?
TINA (BELLIGERENT) He's mine!
(TINA DOUSES LUCY WITH WATER FROM HER PAIL)
LUCY (TO BUD, INDIGNANT) How dare you!
(LUCY SLAPS BUD AND WALKS OFF. TINA LAYS HER TINY HEAD ON HIS ARM)
TINA I love you, boyfriend. Want to play?
(A PRETTY GIRL, LUANA, WALKS UP)
LUANA (TO BUD) Hi, cutie. Do you have the time?
TINA Not for you, tramp.
(SHE TOSSES A BUCKET OF WATER ON LUANA)
LUANA (TO BUD, INDIGNANT) How dare you!
(LUANA SLAPS BUD AND WALKS OFF. TINA SMILES SWEETLY AT BUD. BUD REACTS AS WE:)
ANGLE ON: KELLY
(KELLY IS TALKING TO CHRIS AS SHE PUTS OIL ON HIS BACK)
KELLY Boring? Are you kidding? You're one of the most interesting guys I've ever met. So, tell me
more about your life's work?
CHRIS Well, my quest for the perfect tan started when I was only twelve. I came from a poor family
who couldn't afford a tan.
KELLY Wow. You've overcome so much.
(KELLY ROLLS HER EYES)
ANGLE ON: BUD
(HE AND TINA ARE MAKING A SAND CASTLE)
TINA I love you.
(BUD LOOKS OVER AT KELLY AND CHRIS)
BUD I give up. Look, I've gotta go over and talk to this girl... don't worry, she's my sister.
TINA Can I come with you, boyfriend?
BUD (DEFEATED) Do I have a choice?
BUD It's like I'm married.
(THEY START OVER TO KELLY)
ANGLE ON: KELLY
(CHRIS IS LAYING ON THE SAND WITH HIS HEAD IN KELLY'S LAP. SHE'S FONDLING HIS HAIR. A BEACH BOY PASSES)
BEACH B Hey, Kell! Wanna go for a Slurpy?!
(SHE LOOKS AT CHRIS, THEN)
KELLY Got one.
(THE BEACH BOY SHRUGS AND CONTINUES DOWN THE BEACH)
KELLY So, Chris, you wanna take me for a ride in your 'Vette?
CHRIS I don't really feel like it.
(MARK, A GOOD LOOKING, WELL TANNED TEENAGER, JOGS OVER TO KELLY AND CHRIS)
MARK Hey, Chris! Wanna take me for a ride in your 'Vette?
CHRIS (GETTING UP, EXCITED) Sure!
(CHRIS AND MARK EXIT ARM IN ARM. KELLY REACTS. BUD AND TINA COME OVER)
BUD Gee. Alone, Kel?
KELLY Yeah. Neither of us did any good today. I guess the bet is off.
TINA He's my boyfriend.
(BEAT, THEN BUD STICKS HIS HAND OUT)
ANGLE ON: STEVE AND MARCY
(THEY'RE SOAKING UP THE SUN. STEVE CHUCKLES TO HIMSELF. MARCY STARTS SMILING)
MARCY What, Steve? What?
STEVE I was just thinking about that moron I smacked into today. I mean, he saw our Mercedes and yet
he thought we were as poor as he was. He was willing to take a hundred bucks. Did you see the
fluids gushing out of the botton of his car? A hundred bucks.
STEVE I kill me.
(THE LIFEGUARD COMES OVER. HE CARRIES A STEERING WHEEL)
LIFEGUA Excuse me. Is this your Mercedes?
MARCY Oh, Steve. I'd recognize it anywhere. It's part of Klaus.
(STEVE SITS UP ABRUPTLY AND EXAMINES THE STEERING WHEEL)
LIFEGUA By the way, the guy with the sledgehammer said your note, "Gone to the beach. Hah, hah, loser,"
doesn't quite cover his damage. Have a nice day. And swim with a buddy.
(STEVE HUGS THE STEERING WHEEL AND STARTS TO WEEP. MARCY TRIES TO CONSOLE HIM, BUT HE TURNS AWAY FROM
ANGLE ON: AL AND PEGGY
(AL IS PLAYING WITH HIS BELLYBUTTON)
AL (MUTTERS) One stinkin' family picture with my stinkin' family. That's all I wanted. But nope.
Too much for you, Bundy.
(PEGGY WAKES UP AND SITS UP)
PEGGY Oh, hi, honey. Gee, I guess I fell asleep.
AL I know.
PEGGY I was kinda hoping we could go swimming together.
AL I know.
PEGGY And you know, if you would have even laid a hand on that Marilyn, I would have killed you.
AL I know. I thought you were sleeping.
PEGGY Oh, honey. You know I can't sleep without my knee in your back. But you know, Al, that was very
sweet, what you said about liking your family. Of course, it would have been sweeter if you'd
said that after your wife, you were ruined for all other women.
AL Well, that's actually true.
(KELLY AND BUD ENTER WITH TINA)
BUD Well, we're ready to go.
PEGGY Hey, wait a minute. What happened here? Another kid. How long was I asleep?
KELLY It's Bud's squeeze.
AL We're gonna have to have little talk, me and you, young man. But not right now. Right now I want a picture.
Kids, go over there behind your mother. Little girl, little girl. Could you stand over there and take
(AL GIVES HER THE CAMERA AND KNEELS BEHIND BUD AND KELLY)
AL Alright. Now, pretend we're not going home together.
AL Oh, man. Just the picture I always wanted.
(TINA SNAPS THE PICTURE. WE SEE THE PICTURE IN A NICE FRAME. EVERYONE LOOKS FINE EXCEPT AL'S HEAD IS
END OF ACT TWO
Modified from the Second Draft script by Nitzan Gilkis
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